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Feeling Neglected - 3 Sacred Moments in Marriage Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 263 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

• 0:07
  Daniel Moore: And you know, a lot of times I think that that can happen because what we know is normal, sometimes we feel like that's the best it's going to get.
• 0:17
  Daniel Moore: And a lot of times that's just how life goes and how relationships are, and that's how our mind works.
• 0:22
  Daniel Moore: We know if we really sit there and think it through that it there's better things and it could be better.
• 0:28
  Daniel Moore: But for some reason, when we get stuck in those ruts like that, we almost get to the point where we accept what's there and just take it for what it is, and we don't try to make things any better.
• 0:40
  Daniel Moore: And when that happens, you can actually go backwards, and it can just continue to get worse and worse if you don't do something about it.
• 0:47
  Daniel Moore: This week on Marriage Life and More, we continue our series on marriage reset as we kick off episode five of that series.
• 0:56
  Daniel Moore: We'll be back to get into that right after this.
• 0:59
  Daniel Moore: Hey, hey.
• 1:48
  Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us this week.
• 1:49
  Daniel Moore: If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandmore.com.
• 1:53
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• 1:56
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• 2:01
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• 2:07
  Daniel Moore: If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe.
• 2:09
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• 2:18
  Daniel Moore: As we mentioned in the intro here, we have reached episode five of this extended series that we've been doing called Marriage Reset.
• 2:26
  Daniel Moore: And this is just an attempt to pour into you about being soulmates in your marriage because sometimes we get to a point of being stagnant, kind of being a rut, and it kind of feels like we are living with a roommate instead of a soulmate.
• 2:43
  Daniel Moore: And so that was the whole intention of this series.
• 2:46
  Daniel Moore: Hope you guys have gotten something from it so far as we've gotten through the first four episodes.
• 2:50
  Daniel Moore: This week we're going to start episode five, and this week we're going to be talking about feeling neglected, three sacred moments in marriage.
• 3:11
  Michelle Moore: Diane Soly once said, Love doesn't commit suicide.
• 3:17
  Michelle Moore: We have to kill it.
• 3:19
  Michelle Moore: Though it's true that it often dies of our neglect.
• 3:23
  Michelle Moore: Mia felt like she was living out her dream with Alex.
• 3:27
  Michelle Moore: Their story started when a coworker introduced them at a mutual friend's birthday gathering.
• 3:34
  Michelle Moore: From the very beginning, their connection was strong.
• 3:38
  Michelle Moore: They both shared a passion for nature and loved spending weekends discovering new trails or taking spontaneous road trips.
• 3:47
  Michelle Moore: Alex had a way of making Mia feel seen and heard.
• 3:52
  Michelle Moore: In every conversation, he was fully present.
• 3:55
  Michelle Moore: Their personalities balanced well.
• 3:58
  Michelle Moore: Alex's vibrant and social energy complemented Mia's more reserved, thoughtful nature.
• 4:05
  Michelle Moore: His unexpected proposal on a hillside during one of their weekend adventures was straight out something Mia only imagined.
• 4:15
  Michelle Moore: Their wedding, filled with joy and close-knit loved ones, marked the start of a new chapter.
• 4:21
  Michelle Moore: Returning from their honeymoon, immersed in the glow of newlywed life, they felt ready to take on the world together.
• 4:29
  Michelle Moore: Not long after, they welcomed a baby into their home, followed eventually by two more.
• 4:37
  Michelle Moore: Slowly but surely, life got fuller and more complicated.
• 4:43
  Michelle Moore: The long talks that they used to enjoy faded into hurried exchanges about school pickups, work meetings, grocery lists, and who was grabbing dinner on the way home.
• 4:56
  Michelle Moore: Even though they still cared deeply for one another, the romance and sense of an adventure took a back seat to the pressures of family life.
• 5:06
  Michelle Moore: Their mornings began in a rush, ending with half-hearted goodbyes.
• 5:11
  Michelle Moore: Evenings consisted of managing work, temper tantrums, and to-do lists.
• 5:18
  Michelle Moore: Frequently, one fell asleep on the couch while the other scrolled through their phone.
• 5:24
  Michelle Moore: Both mentally tapped out from the day.
• 5:27
  Michelle Moore: Intentional connection became rare, with their only shared ritual being the last glance at their phones before sleep took over.
• 5:36
  Michelle Moore: Mia often voiced a growing sadness.
• 5:40
  Michelle Moore: She felt invisible, like Alex had to become emotionally distant.
• 5:45
  Michelle Moore: He's always glued to the TV, she lamented.
• 5:48
  Michelle Moore: On the other hand, Alex believed he had to become an afterthought, edged out by the kids, deadlines, and seemingly endless obligations.
• 6:00
  Michelle Moore: Mia barely looks up from her phone when I'm around, he would counter.
• 6:05
  Michelle Moore: Sometimes it's burnout.
• 6:14
  Michelle Moore: While you're running on fumes, there's little left to give.
• 6:18
  Michelle Moore: Other times the rhythm of life gets too noisy, muting the subtle signs that each spouse sends when they reach out for connection.
• 6:29
  Michelle Moore: When those cues are missed repeatedly, the conversation becomes transactional and interaction shallow.
• 6:38
  Michelle Moore: Here, it's important to recognize what's happening between Mia and Alex.
• 6:43
  Michelle Moore: They're drifting apart not because of the act of disdain or hostility, but due to subtle indifference.
• 6:51
  Michelle Moore: This form of neglect isn't fueled by anger or resentment, but by an unintentional choices made daily, turning toward work, errands, or screens instead of one another.
• 7:05
  Michelle Moore: It might seem harmless, but over time it creates a silent wedge.
• 7:11
  Michelle Moore: They've unconsciously allowed their relationship to drop down on the priority list, believing they can come back to it later.
• 7:20
  Michelle Moore: When work calms down, when the kids are older, or when there's finally space in the budget for a night out.
• 7:28
  Michelle Moore: The real danger lies not in their packed schedules, but in how they choose to spend their rare moments of quiet.
• 7:36
  Michelle Moore: Rather than leaning into those opportunities for connection, they surrender to do what could be called relational distractions, activities and habits that crowd out meaningful interactions while offering easy, guilt-free escapes.
• 7:54
  Daniel Moore: I'm gonna have you stop right there for just a minute.
• 7:56
  Daniel Moore: So as we started out this episode, as you've been reading this story, I've already kind of fan flashbacks about when that when we were married and had all the kids at home.
• 8:10
  Daniel Moore: And I think that probably a lot of people can that are listening right now can probably resonate with this.
• 8:16
  Michelle Moore: That's exactly what I was thinking.
• 8:17
  Daniel Moore: You know, especially when the kids come into the equation and you know, jobs and busyness and that kind of thing.
• 8:24
  Daniel Moore: We've we've talked a little bit about busyness already um in this up in this series, I should say.
• 8:30
  Daniel Moore: But you know, a lot of times when kids come in, they do kind of take over.
• 8:36
  Daniel Moore: And it's real easy to, you know, put all your time and effort into the children.
• 8:43
  Daniel Moore: And with especially if they're all young, you know, a lot of sometimes uh couples will have kids real close together.
• 8:48
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 8:49
  Daniel Moore: So all three of their, they might have two or three at a time that are still in diapers or whatever, you know.
• 8:54
  Daniel Moore: It's like um if if you have them real close, then the younger they are, a lot of times the more they demand when they're that young.
• 9:03
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, I think whenever, you know, I look back at our relationship and where we've come from, our kids weren't that young necessarily, but they still took a lot of time and a lot of effort, especially coming into a blended situation because we had to be more intentional and spend the extra time trying to mesh the family together with the kids.
• 9:28
  Michelle Moore: When we had that time.
• 9:29
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, when we had that time to do that, you know, and and your kids to get them try to get them to a point where they considered me a stepdad and liked me, and my daughter, where she considered you a stepmom and liked you, and then just you know, school and sports and all the activities that take place.
• 9:44
  Daniel Moore: And you know, it's real easy when you have all that kind of stuff going on to get burnout and to get exhausted and tired, like we've talked before in in this series.
• 9:56
  Michelle Moore: As as you're talking, I'm sitting here thinking of the moms that literally stay home or do stay home and do homeschooling.
• 10:07
  Michelle Moore: I mean, that's a lot when you're doing that and you're home and you're trying to take care of the house at all times and just handle everything, you know, why the husband goes out to work or vice versa.
• 10:20
  Michelle Moore: I mean, I sit there and I think that'd be easy.
• 10:23
  Michelle Moore: And my personality, I would get burnt out easy.
• 10:26
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 10:27
  Michelle Moore: That would be a lot for me personally to take on.
• 10:30
  Michelle Moore: But I just think about everybody, you know, all the moms and even dads, you know, once you have your children, it does change everything.
• 10:39
  Daniel Moore: Mm-hmm.
• 10:39
  Daniel Moore: And I know if you know, you bring up the homeschool situation, I know a lot of times with the homeschooling, that parent that stays home all the time likes to occasionally get away because they're constantly attached to home with the children.
• 10:55
  Daniel Moore: It's like a 24-7 thing for them almost, where the husband or the wife, whichever direction it goes, whoever's being the stay-at-home parent, uh, the other one's usually out working and gone all the time.
• 11:08
  Daniel Moore: So then you have the scenario sometimes where the parent that stays home occasionally wants, you know, I want to get out of here tonight.
• 11:15
  Daniel Moore: Let's go do something, you know, get me away from all this.
• 11:18
  Daniel Moore: I've been stuck here all week with the kids and I'm ready to go out and do something.
• 11:22
  Daniel Moore: And and the other spouse, like, well, I've been gone all week.
• 11:25
  Daniel Moore: You know, I've been working constantly and I'm ready to sit under my chair and take a break, you know.
• 11:30
  Daniel Moore: And so you have those scenarios sometimes that kind of work against each other, too.
• 11:35
  Daniel Moore: And so it there's a lot that can happen in a relationship when things start getting more complex and more complicated.
• 11:46
  Daniel Moore: And so it's something you really have to be conscious about.
• 11:50
  Daniel Moore: And as you were reading this story here that we have for an example, an illustration, you know, they were it kind of went back and forth, you know, between the two of how they were feeling and what they were thinking about it, you know, the growing sadness that was coming up between them.
• 12:08
  Daniel Moore: They knew it was happening.
• 12:09
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 12:10
  Daniel Moore: They could see it, but they weren't really being too uh proactive to try to stop it.
• 12:17
  Daniel Moore: You know, they they continued to, it almost put they almost got in a rut with it, um, as far as this story goes is going so far.
• 12:25
  Daniel Moore: Um, they've kind of gotten into a rut with it.
• 12:28
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, a lot of times I think that that can happen because what we know is normal, sometimes we feel like that's the best it's going to get.
• 12:38
  Daniel Moore: And a lot of times that's just how life goes and how relationships are, and that's how our mind works.
• 12:44
  Daniel Moore: We know if we really sit there and think it through that it there's better things and it could be better.
• 12:50
  Daniel Moore: But for some reason, when we get stuck in those ruts like that, we almost get to the point where we accept what's there and just take it for what it is, and we don't try to make things any better.
• 13:02
  Daniel Moore: And when that happens, you can actually go backwards, and it can just continue to get worse and worse if you don't do something about it.
• 13:09
  Daniel Moore: And so a lot of times, you know, when you have these relationships where the two spouses do feel like they're just cohabiting, it's it's sometimes it's not, you know, you have your times when it's just because you're too busy or you're too exhausted, you know, you got other other things that are going on, but sometimes uh it can be because a spouse is getting neglected.
• 13:33
  Daniel Moore: And it it may not be intentional that that's happening, but when everything else starts piling on, we start neglecting each other to try to take care of all the stuff from the outside, and we don't realize that all good things usually come from the inside out, you know.
• 13:50
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and so you you kind of have to brill yourself back and think about this stuff.
• 13:54
  Daniel Moore: And you know, in this this episode here, we're not addressing neglect rooted in bitterness or willful abandonment.
• 14:01
  Daniel Moore: Um, that kind of emotional distancing, we'll discuss that in a later episode.
• 14:05
  Daniel Moore: But right now, our focus is more on the subtle form of neglect, what we might call soft or unintentional neglect.
• 14:11
  Daniel Moore: And this happens when a couple gradually stops investing in their relationship, when the marriage begins to lose its place on the priority list.
• 14:19
  Daniel Moore: And most often this shift comes from two common causes, which is overwhelming daily demands and a lack of thoughtfulness around meaningful relationship moments.
• 14:30
  Daniel Moore: And as we've talked about in our four laws of love series that we've done, this is where the priorities really need to be paid close attention to.
• 14:42
  Daniel Moore: Because if you don't keep the priorities in the right order, then, you know, we talked about where a lot of people put kids in front of their marriages, their spouses, but you can put a lot of things in there.
• 14:54
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 14:54
  Daniel Moore: You know, you could effectively put the the husband and wife could effectively put themselves five or six spots down from God, you know, because depending on what is more important to you at that moment and what you're going to invest all of your time into at the expense of neglecting each other, those are the things that are going to pile up between you two.
• 15:15
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 15:15
  Daniel Moore: And then you're going to have this distance that's going to grow bigger and bigger because you have all of these other things that you've piled up there in front of yourself.
• 15:22
  Daniel Moore: And then you do, you you unintentionally neglect each other, not thinking about it.
• 15:28
  Daniel Moore: And before you know it, it's too late, and you have a relationship that's not that great.
• 15:34
  Daniel Moore: And that can make you very unhappy in that situation.
• 15:37
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 15:38
  Daniel Moore: You know, this kind of neglect doesn't usually come from cruelty or anger.
• 15:41
  Daniel Moore: Rather, it shows up in small decisions made without much thought.
• 15:45
  Daniel Moore: A spouse choosing to check emails instead of engaging in conversation, or turning to a screen instead of turning toward their partner.
• 15:52
  Daniel Moore: These choices may not be made with bad intentions, but over time they chip away at connection.
• 15:57
  Daniel Moore: So as you were talking here about this couple, Mia and Alex, you know, their lives, they were packed with responsibilities, but it's not simply their busy schedule that's the issue.
• 16:08
  Daniel Moore: The real challenge is the pattern they've developed, one where they consistently pass up chances to reconnect.
• 16:14
  Daniel Moore: When those rare windows of free time appear, they don't take advantage of them and instead they allow distractions or the things that we like to call sacred space invaders to still away the moments that could be building intimacy.
• 16:28
  Daniel Moore: And so when you think about what they've done here by allowing this pattern to be developed in their relationship, can you look back at what we went through and see patterns that we allowed?
• 16:43
  Michelle Moore: I mean, yeah, us, but I mean, in all reality, if you think about it, anybody with kids, this is gonna be something that's challenged.
• 16:51
  Michelle Moore: And you know, whether you know your kids are small and you have adult children, grandkids, or whatever, there's a lot of times that this is very easy to get into.
• 17:01
  Michelle Moore: I mean, but yes, when we definitely had our children, it was it was just I hate to say this, but it was easy not to turn to the intimacy of communication.
• 17:16
  Michelle Moore: It was easier to deal with the children and like for example, I come home this evening.
• 17:21
  Michelle Moore: I don't have we don't have little kids anymore, but you know, I come home and I'm checked out.
• 17:26
  Michelle Moore: Like it's been a long day at work, and I'm just like, I just want everything to be quiet.
• 17:32
  Michelle Moore: I come in the house, I go out the back door, and I lay down on the sofa outside or a little outside chair thing.
• 17:39
  Michelle Moore: And I'm like, nobody talk to me.
• 17:41
  Michelle Moore: I just need, you know, you came in, you you talked to me, but I was like, I am not into it for the communication tonight.
• 17:49
  Michelle Moore: Like, you know, so it's easy to do that whether you have children or not.
• 17:53
  Michelle Moore: It's just the intentional part of recognizing, hey, this is what's going on.
• 17:59
  Michelle Moore: I think you have to have a healthy relationship too, sometimes to check, you know, check my box of saying, hey, that's not healthy.
• 18:08
  Michelle Moore: We need to change this because I don't feel like we were in a healthy environment back then and we would have never recognized being intentional on communication at all.
• 18:19
  Michelle Moore: Do you agree with that?
• 18:21
  Daniel Moore: I agree.
• 18:21
  Daniel Moore: And it is, it's a pattern that we create within our lifestyle.
• 18:27
  Daniel Moore: And they say practice makes perfect.
• 18:30
  Daniel Moore: So the more often that you allow something to happen and take place in life, regardless of what it is, it's not just secluded to marriage by any means.
• 18:40
  Daniel Moore: It can happen anywhere, but it's definitely dangerous when it happens in a marriage where you allow certain things to continue happening to train yourself to all of a sudden be into a pattern of a neglect, a sort of neglect that you would have for each other as spouses.
• 18:59
  Daniel Moore: It's something you never would have allowed at the very beginning of your relationship.
• 19:03
  Daniel Moore: But because life has happened and so much stuff has just overwhelmed.
• 19:07
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, like you're talking about work, you know, you and I both have this is the first of the month, and it's very, very stressful the first of the month for both of us.
• 19:17
  Daniel Moore: And if we got a trip coming up, we're getting ready to go on, so that adds the pressure because we're trying to make sure we get everything done that we need to before we leave.
• 19:24
  Daniel Moore: And there's only so many days in a week and so many hours in a day, you know, and so it does, it makes it tough, and so we have to be careful of those patterns that we can allow to take place in our life and create those issues.
• 19:38
  Daniel Moore: So as we were talking, we we called those sacred space invaders.
• 19:57
  Daniel Moore: We're gonna talk about those for a little bit here.
• 19:59
  Daniel Moore: And if you guys remember the classic arcade game from the 80s called Space Invaders, I used to love playing that game.
• 20:05
  Daniel Moore: I mean, it was a very, very basic, simple game, but it was pretty fun.
• 20:10
  Daniel Moore: The objective was simple, you use your laser cannon to eliminate waves of incoming alien attackers.
• 20:15
  Daniel Moore: They actually were little blips on the screen.
• 20:17
  Daniel Moore: They were.
• 20:18
  Daniel Moore: But as the game went on, their pace increased, the music intensified, and the pressure mounted.
• 20:24
  Daniel Moore: Inevitably, if you couldn't keep up, the aliens would descend and take over.
• 20:28
  Daniel Moore: Well, in much the same way, modern relationships face their own version of these invaders.
• 20:33
  Daniel Moore: They may not be pixelated enemies on a screen, but they are just as persistent.
• 20:38
  Daniel Moore: Distractions, demands, and interruptions that creep into your daily life.
• 20:43
  Daniel Moore: These modern day invaders swarm the space between you and your partner, threatening to take over valuable moments of connection and intimacy.
• 20:51
  Daniel Moore: Unlike the arcade game, this challenge isn't safely contained within four walls in a joystick.
• 20:58
  Daniel Moore: It's real and it's happening every day.
• 21:01
  Daniel Moore: As we talk about these space invaders, these things that can come in and overwhelm us and take us over in our marriages.
• 21:09
  Daniel Moore: Won't you give us a few uh ideas here of what those distractions could look like?
• 21:14
  Michelle Moore: Um, your smartphone?
• 21:16
  Daniel Moore: The big that's number one.
• 21:17
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 21:18
  Michelle Moore: Children?
• 21:19
  Daniel Moore: Yep.
• 21:20
  Michelle Moore: Television, DVRs, YouTube, Netflix, and countless of other streaming services.
• 21:28
  Michelle Moore: Work interruptions, computer or tablets, needy extended family members or friends, neighbors, or coworkers, social media, and video games.
• 21:41
  Michelle Moore: That's a good list.
• 21:43
  Daniel Moore: That's a very good list, very good list.
• 21:45
  Daniel Moore: Really just a small list.
• 21:46
  Michelle Moore: And actually I could probably add tons more to that.
• 21:49
  Michelle Moore: Not just that, but I'm sitting here thinking, oh, that's me.
• 21:52
  Michelle Moore: Oh, that's me.
• 21:53
  Michelle Moore: That's me.
• 21:55
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 21:56
  Michelle Moore: It's I think I mean I do it in a healthy hel a healthy way.
• 22:00
  Michelle Moore: I mean, especially if you're up here working or doing something, I will, you know, watch my Netflix or something, you know, a show or something.
• 22:10
  Daniel Moore: But you know, it's it's so it society's almost made it easy for us to do this.
• 22:16
  Michelle Moore: Anyway, you know, back then we wouldn't have social media, the smartphones and stuff like that.
• 22:22
  Michelle Moore: So I I always often think of what the numbers were like back then versus what they are now, because you know, divorce rate is a lot higher now than what it was back then.
• 22:33
  Michelle Moore: Well, you didn't have all the distractions back then.
• 22:36
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 22:37
  Daniel Moore: Well, you think of a Roku stick or a smart TV.
• 22:41
  Michelle Moore: I look at how you had a D VR.
• 22:43
  Daniel Moore: Look at the countless Well, DVR, there's a lot of people that D VR shows and they'll sit there and binge them constantly.
• 22:49
  Michelle Moore: I didn't even think about that.
• 22:50
  Michelle Moore: That tells you how much I we just don't do that.
• 22:53
  Daniel Moore: We don't use one very we have one, but we don't hardly ever use it because we don't watch but we do have you know Netflix and a couple of things like that.
• 23:01
  Daniel Moore: And you can just as easily sit on one of those for eight straight hours and just binge series after series if you're gonna be able to do that.
• 23:08
  Michelle Moore: Some series that we do that, yes.
• 23:10
  Daniel Moore: And but if you look down through your list on a Roku stick or on a a smart TV, the the amount of apps that are available today uh that have every movie that you can think of or series that you can think of.
• 23:23
  Daniel Moore: You can actually play games on some of them now.
• 23:25
  Daniel Moore: They'll let you download games and you can play games on those smart TVs with those apps.
• 23:31
  Daniel Moore: And there's just so many interruptions that can come in between you, and it's just idleness and it's not really good, I don't think, for all of us to sit there and just do that.
• 23:45
  Michelle Moore: But it's good to put out there to recognize some of that.
• 23:50
  Daniel Moore: Sometimes we have to be reminded, you know, of what we're doing with our time because it's super, super easy to blow a whole evening, you know, four or five hours of an evening.
• 24:01
  Daniel Moore: It is super easy to just blow through that and think, man, where'd that time go?
• 24:06
  Daniel Moore: You know, I just started sitting here watching this four hours ago and now it's almost midnight time to go to bed.
• 24:12
  Daniel Moore: And that time flies by so fast.
• 24:14
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, if you think about it, what could that time have accomplished if you could have, you know, just took that spend time with your spouse or you know, your family, um just to have some family time and that kind of thing.
• 24:27
  Daniel Moore: Uh all the positive things that could have came out of that.
• 24:31
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, it's it is, it's just a good reminder to remind us how easy it is to neglect each other, how easy it is to neglect our family and uh our social, you know, surroundings that we have.
• 24:45
  Daniel Moore: Um, there's just so many things out there that is designed to take your time.
• 24:50
  Daniel Moore: And in today's fast-paced, always connected world, distractions are everywhere, um, just as shown by that list that we just shared, and there's so much more we can add to that list.
• 24:59
  Daniel Moore: They compete for our attention day and night, showing up right when we're trying to focus on our partners.
• 25:04
  Daniel Moore: These distractions can sneak into our time together, just like the advancing waves of an old arcade game, fast moving, relentless, and capable of overtaking our relationship if we're not careful.
• 25:15
  Daniel Moore: But we're not saying that you need to eliminate them entirely.
• 25:18
  Daniel Moore: Uh that's both unrealistic and unnecessary.
• 25:21
  Daniel Moore: You can't ignore your kids.
• 25:23
  Daniel Moore: You know, one humorous quote we've heard says we've identified the biggest threat to intimacy, and it sleeps down the hallway.
• 25:30
  Daniel Moore: Children, they take an enormous energy and seem to have an uncanny way of interrupting just when you and your partner are carving out a moment alone.
• 25:38
  Daniel Moore: And a lot of people let their kids sleep with them, you know, and that that creates a big huge issue too with intimacy.
• 25:44
  Daniel Moore: So no, you're not likely to move off the grid to regain focus, and it wouldn't be wise to avoid your workplace responsibilities or cut off connection to extended family friends in the digital world.
• 25:54
  Daniel Moore: These elements are woving into our life these days, and the issue isn't about removing them completely, it's about learning how to guard the moments that matter, how to preserve time for connection when these distractions show up.
• 26:07
  Daniel Moore: And we have here two main reasons that one or both partners might feel neglected or why the marriage starts to lose priority.
• 26:16
  Daniel Moore: The first is what we would call unintentional intrusions.
• 26:20
  Daniel Moore: What are those unintentional intrusions?
• 26:24
  Michelle Moore: They're disruptions that happen without you seeking them out.
• 26:27
  Michelle Moore: You're not inviting them, they simply burst in.
• 26:31
  Michelle Moore: Maybe you're trying to have a meaningful talk and your toddler cries out from bed again.
• 26:39
  Michelle Moore: You're enjoying a show together when an unexpected work message lands in your inbox.
• 26:45
  Michelle Moore: Or you could be a nurse, a doctor, or in a job that requires responding immediately, and those calls come in during dinner.
• 26:54
  Michelle Moore: Perhaps a friend drops by right in the middle of a heart-to-heart with your spouse.
• 27:00
  Michelle Moore: Maybe you're enjoying a quiet time on your porch when a stranger knocks, asking for help with their stalled car.
• 27:08
  Michelle Moore: Or you're walking hand in hand on a rare date night only for your grown child to call in the middle of a personal crisis.
• 27:16
  Michelle Moore: That would be us.
• 27:18
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 27:19
  Michelle Moore: Even an ex-spouse may need to discuss a parenting concern while you're trying to unwind.
• 27:25
  Michelle Moore: In all of these instances, you and your partner are trying to connect, but something unsought and beyond your control cuts into that space.
• 27:36
  Michelle Moore: Your attention is broken and the moment is lost.
• 27:40
  Michelle Moore: Not because you chased the interruption, but because it found you.
• 27:46
  Daniel Moore: So these previous examples that you just gave, and there's so many more that can be added to that list.
• 27:51
  Daniel Moore: And what's funny is I can resonate with a lot of those that you just read.
• 27:55
  Daniel Moore: And I know or I know people that have that issue, you know, that have different things like that happen, it seems like.
• 28:02
  Daniel Moore: But, you know, now we're going to look at what we call intentional or deliberate interruptions.
• 28:08
  Daniel Moore: And those moments when the is when the disruption comes from your own choices.
• 28:13
  Daniel Moore: And this doesn't mean that you're trying to intentionally disregard your spouse, but the result is still the same.
• 28:18
  Daniel Moore: The time you could have spent connecting is diverted elsewhere because of something that you chose to engage.
• 28:24
  Daniel Moore: The most common culprit in these situations is technology.
• 28:28
  Daniel Moore: In fact, there's even a term that describes this exact phenomenon.
• 28:33
  Daniel Moore: It's called technoference.
• 28:35
  Daniel Moore: It refers to the regular everyday ways that phones, tablets, or other digital tools interrupt time a couple spends together.
• 28:43
  Daniel Moore: For example, a spouse might take a call or check an incoming text during a conversation.
• 28:48
  Daniel Moore: In that moment, attention shifts from the relationship to the screen, breaking the flow of connection between partners.
• 28:56
  Daniel Moore: As one author put it, by allowing technology to interfere with or interrupt conversations, activities, and time with romantic partners, even when unintentional or for brief moments, individuals may be sending implicit messages about what they value most, leading to conflict and negative outcomes in personal life and relationships.
• 29:17
  Daniel Moore: And I know that when we talk to other people, it's not even our spouse, like we're talking to a friend or uh maybe it's just an acquaintance that we're staying there having a conversation with.
• 29:28
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, I know for myself, if somebody's really engaged with me and they're talking about some deep subject that they're really uh into and they're really wanting me to hear what I have what they have to say, you know.
• 29:43
  Daniel Moore: And if my phone goes off or something, even though it might be something very important, I do that does run through my mind.
• 29:52
  Daniel Moore: Where do I look or do I not look?
• 29:54
  Daniel Moore: Because I don't want to make it look like I'm not interested in what they're telling me, you know, because that's usually what happens.
• 29:59
  Daniel Moore: That's that's the insinuation you get when you're talking to someone and they start sitting there looking at their phone and you know reading stuff or whatever.
• 30:09
  Daniel Moore: How do you how do you feel about that?
• 30:12
  Michelle Moore: There are times though I will look and I'm sorry, my allergies have been the worst today.
• 30:18
  Michelle Moore: Um there are times that I will look at my phone depending on the conversation.
• 30:24
  Michelle Moore: But if it's a deep conversation, I flip my phone over or I put it somewhere where I cannot see it.
• 30:31
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 30:32
  Michelle Moore: And you know, smart watches, you know, it it's a distraction just as much because if you see the uh it's an extension of your phone.
• 30:42
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, the text message come across and you even glance at it, then you see something, it's like, oh gosh, I you know, it takes your mind off that and it's not fair to the person trying to talk to you.
• 30:52
  Daniel Moore: Well, I think the watch is even worse because then they're they might even think, well, are they like looking to see what time it is and they're because they're so bored.
• 31:00
  Daniel Moore: You know, I always think about that because I look at my watch like you were saying because it buzzed, you know.
• 31:07
  Daniel Moore: So I know there's something there.
• 31:09
  Daniel Moore: But when I do glance at it, I think maybe I shouldn't have done that.
• 31:14
  Daniel Moore: Because now they're gonna think I'm not, you know, I'm like supposed to be somewhere else or whatever.
• 31:18
  Daniel Moore: My mind, you know, all that stuff starts running through your mind if you re if you were gonna be restricted.
• 31:23
  Michelle Moore: Now that you've said that, I'm gonna be like, oh gosh, I'm not ever gonna look at my own.
• 31:26
  Daniel Moore: Being intentional to not look at it.
• 31:28
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's because watches are used for so many different things now, they don't just tell some of them just tell time, but you know, these smart watches, they do everything else with that.
• 31:38
  Daniel Moore: And so you never know if somebody's like watching the clock, say, okay, I'm done with this conversation, I'm ready to go home or something, or are they just trying to read a text or whatever, you know?
• 31:47
  Daniel Moore: And so I I am very self-conscious of that sometimes I might do it and then catch myself like maybe I shouldn't have done that, you know, because they're gonna think I'm not interested.
• 31:57
  Daniel Moore: And that's the last thing I want because that's not the case.
• 32:00
  Daniel Moore: But but that's that's just an example though, how it just creeps in and just becomes part of you, you know.
• 32:07
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and so there's another growing issue in modern relationships, and it's something known as fobbing that's spelled with a P H.
• 32:15
  Daniel Moore: So P H U B B I N G.
• 32:17
  Daniel Moore: The fusion of the words phone and snubbing.
• 32:21
  Daniel Moore: When one person disengages from their partner in favor of their phone, it's a blend of two ideas, being on your phone and unintentionally brushing off the person in front of you.
• 32:32
  Daniel Moore: So here's an example.
• 32:34
  Daniel Moore: Picture this, you're out to dinner, and midway through the conversation, your partner starts scrolling through messages or casually checks football scores.
• 32:41
  Daniel Moore: Or maybe you're settled in for a movie night and they're more interested in a social media feed than what's happening on screen.
• 32:48
  Daniel Moore: The impact is subtle but powerful.
• 32:51
  Daniel Moore: It sends the message, even if it's not spoken aloud, that the screen matters more than the person beside you.
• 32:58
  Michelle Moore: So what do I say when you're on your phone and I turn around and look at you and I'm I'm done with it?
• 33:04
  Michelle Moore: What do I always say?
• 33:07
  Daniel Moore: Put your phone down.
• 33:08
  Michelle Moore: No.
• 33:09
  Michelle Moore: Obviously, I don't say it enough, but I always say, I'm not gonna compete with your phone.
• 33:16
  Michelle Moore: I always say that.
• 33:18
  Daniel Moore: I'm just like I'm you actually said that in some episodes.
• 33:20
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 33:20
  Michelle Moore: I'm not gonna do it.
• 33:21
  Daniel Moore: It just doesn't happen real often, so I kind of forget.
• 33:24
  Michelle Moore: So now I'm gonna say, okay, fubing is fubbing.
• 33:27
  Michelle Moore: I don't like that.
• 33:29
  Michelle Moore: I still don't like I'm not competing with your phone.
• 33:33
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 33:33
  Daniel Moore: Well, the issue with these kinds of interruptions goes deeper than just distractions.
• 33:38
  Daniel Moore: First, they send a message of disregard, and whether it's intentional or not, your spouse may begin to feel invisible, quietly wondering if they matter less than whatever is happening on your screen.
• 33:48
  Daniel Moore: Over time, this sense of being overlooked leaves people feeling less valued.
• 33:52
  Daniel Moore: The second consequence is that the relationship loses moments of genuine face-to-face connection, the kind that builds closeness and intimacy.
• 34:00
  Daniel Moore: So think about smartphones.
• 34:02
  Daniel Moore: You and your partner can be in the same room sitting side by side and yet feel completely disconnected.
• 34:08
  Daniel Moore: Studies suggest that we check our phones every six minutes or around 150 times a day.
• 34:13
  Daniel Moore: Wow.
• 34:14
  Daniel Moore: With constant alerts, buzzing apps, social feeds, video clips, news updates, and streaming options, our phones constantly compete for attention like a clingy third wheel in your relationship.
• 34:26
  Daniel Moore: And that's an interesting way to look at that, of being a third wheel.
• 34:30
  Daniel Moore: But, you know, with uh the the technology that we have, uh, it does, like you mentioned earlier, it it does make you wonder, you know, what was a well we know what it was like before we had them because you and I are old enough to remember that, but we weren't necessarily in full blown have smart TV.
• 34:51
  Daniel Moore: We weren't in full-blown married relationships during that time.
• 34:54
  Daniel Moore: I remember when I got my first uh bag phone is what it was.
• 34:59
  Daniel Moore: I was like 21 probably, something like that when I when I got my first one.
• 35:04
  Daniel Moore: And then it was a few years later on, you know, before they finally came out the wireless phones.
• 35:09
  Daniel Moore: But those weren't smartphones.
• 35:11
  Daniel Moore: Those only called, those only made phone calls.
• 35:13
  Daniel Moore: And so it wasn't like you could just sit there and scroll on it all the time because there wasn't nothing to see.
• 35:18
  Daniel Moore: So I do kind of remember, you know, I remember what it was like back before that.
• 35:22
  Daniel Moore: And I do remember growing up, yeah, we didn't have a TV for until I was like 12 years old.
• 35:28
  Daniel Moore: And so we were outside, we were forced out, you know, to be outside a lot playing and being, you know, constructive and uh, you know, creative and all that kind of thing.
• 35:38
  Daniel Moore: And unfortunately today a lot of kids don't know what that looks like, they don't know what that means.
• 35:44
  Daniel Moore: And so I think that we're probably raising a generation of kids today that it's probably gonna be just getting worse with marriages and stuff because they've been trained from a little kid how to be distracted on a phone or a tablet all the time.
• 35:59
  Daniel Moore: And so it's just gonna make it worse.
• 36:02
  Daniel Moore: And so to be clear as we close up this episode for this week, we're not it's not an attack on technology.
• 36:18
  Daniel Moore: It's not what we're after here today.
• 36:20
  Daniel Moore: Michelle and I use ours all the time as well.
• 36:23
  Daniel Moore: Not all screen time is harmful.
• 36:25
  Daniel Moore: You know, in many cases, digital communications like text, video calls, or messaging apps can bring couples closer when they're physically apart.
• 36:34
  Daniel Moore: A thoughtful message during the work day or a shared meme can brighten your spouse's day and reinforce connection.
• 36:40
  Daniel Moore: You know, we've got family members that are military.
• 36:43
  Daniel Moore: That's one thing that I can think of that this technology comes in, you know, great because if you've got a spouse that's overseas somewhere or whatever, and they've got FaceTime now and that kind of thing, if they've got access to all of that, that's a good way that you can actually talk to each other, you know, not face-to-face, but you're face-to-face on the screen, so you actually get to see each other.
• 37:05
  Daniel Moore: And I think that helps a lot in those situations.
• 37:08
  Daniel Moore: So it is, it's it's one of these uh necessary evils, as they call them.
• 37:14
  Daniel Moore: Uh they're they have goods and they have bads.
• 37:17
  Daniel Moore: You know, there's just depending on how you use them.
• 37:20
  Daniel Moore: So the real danger isn't really in the technology, it's in the timing.
• 37:24
  Daniel Moore: When you're with your spouse, those sacred moments of togetherness can quietly be eroded by distractions.
• 37:30
  Daniel Moore: The problem often isn't grand, loud, or intentional.
• 37:33
  Daniel Moore: It's just a slow fade, like we've talked about towards the beginning of this series.
• 37:38
  Daniel Moore: And that fade happens when you allow attention stealers to slip into the moments designed for connection.
• 37:44
  Daniel Moore: Couples who unintentionally drift into being roommates often fail to guard those moments.
• 37:50
  Daniel Moore: But those who want to shift from simply married to genuinely connected learn to protect those sacred spaces.
• 37:57
  Daniel Moore: These moments are the relationship's home base.
• 38:00
  Daniel Moore: If distractions destroy that, the bond becomes vulnerable.
• 38:05
  Daniel Moore: So don't let the outside interruptions win.
• 38:08
  Daniel Moore: You need to protect your connection like you defend something precious because that relationship that you have with your spouse is definitely that.
• 38:15
  Daniel Moore: So good.
• 38:16
  Daniel Moore: It is precious.
• 38:17
  Daniel Moore: And so I think that, you know, if anything, with this episode of this half of it that we've, you know, shared this week, the takeaway from this probably is mainly just to remind us that we do have a human being sitting opposite of us, you know, all the time when we're together.
• 38:40
  Daniel Moore: And we have to, again, this is something you have to be intentional.
• 38:44
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 38:45
  Daniel Moore: You've got to be proactive.
• 38:46
  Daniel Moore: Uh that and which makes it even better because if you do make sure that you don't let those things take the place of your spouse, that makes the spouse feel that much better about their relationship because they know you're being intentional and that you do want to talk.
• 39:01
  Daniel Moore: You'd rather talk to them than be on your devices all the time.
• 39:05
  Daniel Moore: And I think, you know, as we go through all of this, and Michelle and I have to watch this just as much as anybody does.
• 39:12
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 39:12
  Daniel Moore: Uh you have to, you know, try to figure out your uh processes of of how you spend your time and how you're going to navigate through the use of technology or having your moments, you know, talking together.
• 39:26
  Daniel Moore: Because there's times when both of you are doing opposite, you know, separate things.
• 39:31
  Daniel Moore: You could be sitting in the same room, but like no, like you, there's TV shows and stuff that you like to watch where I'm not particularly wholly interested in that, but I still want to be in there with you.
• 39:43
  Daniel Moore: And so I might sit there and play a game on my phone or something while you're watching the show.
• 39:48
  Daniel Moore: And you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with that because we are both doing something at that moment that we're enjoying, and we but we're still there together.
• 39:57
  Daniel Moore: And if we have something to say, we can look at each other and talk or whatever.
• 40:01
  Daniel Moore: And that's to me, that's a certain kind of a bonding moment that I have with you.
• 40:06
  Daniel Moore: But we also have all of our moments where those devices aren't in the equation, also.
• 40:11
  Daniel Moore: You you gotta have a balance in all of that.
• 40:14
  Daniel Moore: So next week, when we come back, we're gonna finish this episode and we're gonna be talking about protecting sacred moments, and we're gonna be talking about uh three different types of sacred moments that are worth recognizing and protecting.
• 40:31
  Daniel Moore: So you don't want to miss that.
• 40:33
  Daniel Moore: Or is there anything that you want to add to this week's episode before we take off for this week?
• 40:38
  Daniel Moore: No, okay.
• 40:39
  Daniel Moore: Well, we're gonna go ahead and call it a wrap then for this week's episode, and we'll look forward to hearing seeing you guys here next week as we come up with the next half of this episode.
• 40:51
  Daniel Moore: So until then, we just pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer.
• 40:56
  Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.