Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Gentle Parenting is a Hoax | Janine Harouni | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣

Transcript

Gentle Parenting is a Hoax | Janine Harouni | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's very nice to be here.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's nice to be back doing stand-up because I took a little break last year.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Me and my husband, we had our first baby.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have to stop saying that though.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have to stop saying that we had a baby.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: We did not have a baby.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I had a baby.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a god.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: My husband is an ingredient.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I also have to stop telling people that I had a C-section because I said that the other day, and my husband's friend just went, took the easy route, popped that baby out the sunroof.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yeah, I popped that baby out the sunroof of a car that doesn't have a sunroof.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because it is major abdominal surgery that you're awake for, by the way, and nobody tells you this, but after the baby comes out, they wheel the baby away.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Your husband leaves, and then you were left there alone, just listening to yourself have surgery.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And because I went to a teaching hospital, at one point I heard the senior doctor say to the junior doctor, hmm, now what I would have done differently there.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we have the kid, we like the kid.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: His name is Miles, which is very apt because he's a big boy.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I looked it up.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: The average weight of a three-year-old boy is 32 pounds.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: My son's a year and a half, he weighs 39 pounds.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I'm weirdly proud of that.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I just hold him up in photos like he's a big bass that I caught.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I finally understand why men send dick pics.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, look at this big thing my body made.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: He's sweet.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: He started talking, and for no reason at all, this kid inexplicably speaks in an Italian accent.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Mamma, no.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: He actually talks to me like a little Italian man who's angry that I don't speak Italian.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like this morning he woke up, he opened his eyes, the first thing he said is he just went, acha.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, a and he went, atcha.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, apple, and he went, ah, acha.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, ice cream, and he went, yeah.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: He's very cute.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: He uh he looks nothing like me.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I am I'm half Arab, half Irish, which makes me, I don't know, Italian, I'm not really sure.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: He looks exactly like my blonde husband.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I look like the nanny.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a disaster.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And people will tell you that.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: They will come up to you in the streets and be like, oh my god, he looks just like his dad.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: He looks nothing like you.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that is such a weird and disrespectful thing to say to a woman who has carried and birthed this baby.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I've started doing.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: If people come up to me and go, oh my god, he looks just like his dad, I just go, Oh yeah, that's why I'm so attracted to him.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh, I love my son, but it's tough.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Parenting's very tough.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have any parents in?
• 2:58
  unknown: Woo!
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's the right level of enthusiasm to have there.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's just exhaustion and excitement that you're not with your children right now.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's very hard, and nobody tells you how hard it's going to be.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: All my friends who had kids before me, they all said the exact same thing.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: They all just went, you have to have a baby.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: You will never know joy, like the joy you feel when you meet your child.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then I had a baby who has not slept through the night in a year and a half, and all those same friends are like, oh yeah, parenting sucks.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever noticed the only people who want you to have kids are people who have kids?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's a pyramid scheme.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And grandparents are at the top.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: The minute I turned 30, it was like my parents were running a multi-level marketing scam.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, Can we talk to you about an amazing investment in your future?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: My mom wanted me to have a kid so bad, she said, I just want you to experience what I've experienced.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And the greatest thing I ever did in my life was give birth to you and your brothers.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then I had a kid, and I was like, Ma, this is hard.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And she just went, I know.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Stop talking shit about media therapists.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: My mom flew over to help with the baby, and that's great because you need the help.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: No one is less prepared to take uh care of a new baby than a new mom.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if a new mom applied to babysit your son, she would not make it past the interview.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just this haggard woman stumbles in, like, full disclosure, I just had major surgery, so I'm on a number of drugs.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't slept in weeks.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what day it is or who I even am anymore, but I do feel an immediate bond to the boy, and I think he should suck my tits.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: You would be like, go to bed.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: So my mom came to help, and when you have a baby, what you really need is another mom.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because when it comes to babies, moms just do more and know more, and dads get such a pass.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was on a flight recently, and I was standing in line for the bathroom, and there was this dad in front of me with his daughter.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And she looked about my son's age, so I said, Oh, she's cute.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: How old?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And he gave me the most dad reply I've ever heard in my life.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: He just went, I don't know.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Changes every month, it's hard to keep track.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he said it with no sense of guilt or shame.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: He was just like, My wife isn't here, why would I have access to that information at this time?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And moms do all this extra work, but we always get depicted in things as the nags and the killjoys, and dads always get depicted as the fun, loving, good time, and nothing exemplifies this more than the song The Wheels on the Bus.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so we all know this song.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've been listening to it on repeat.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: My son hates it, but I think it's a jam.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it goes through all the people on the bus.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what it says the mommies on the bus say?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Shhh shh.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: It says the mommies on the bus say shh shh shh.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's aggressive.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what it says the daddies on the bus say?
• 5:50
  unknown: I love you.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: It says the daddies on the bus say, I love you.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: First off, that is not what the daddies on the bus say.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: The daddies on the bus are like, babe, did you bring a diaper bag?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have extra formula?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know where the baby is?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I said that last week at a gig.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Do you know what the daddies on the bus say?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And a woman from the back row just shouted, They're not there! A lot's expected, a lot's expected of you when you become a mom.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I breastfed, I did not enjoy it, I found it very painful, so I don't miss having to breastfeed, but I do miss having breasts.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because after you have a baby, you get the boobs of your dreams.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And the person I feel worse for in all of this is my husband.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because it was like he was living in a Greek myth.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: It was like he went to the gods and they were like, We shall grant your wife the breasts you so desire, but at a cost.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: But while you may view the breasts, she will find them so painful you may never touch the breast.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is, my husband is a boob man, and I I am not a boob lady, and I thank you for looking, sir.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the way I found this out was uh well, I think the best way to explain it to you is to just do a little impression.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't normally do that, but you guys want to see it?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so in order to do this, I'll just need to borrow some glasses.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think I could borrow your glasses?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Is that alright?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone in the front row is so young, no one has glasses on.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, okay, so I found out my husband was a boob man while we were on a walk, and we saw this very beautiful, very large-breasted woman who was walking towards us, and she was not wearing a bra.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband was talking about hanging floating shelves, and the irony did not escape me.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband said, the thing about hanging floating shelves is, and then she got near, he went, you have to find a stud or an anchor.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then she walked past and he went, and that can really damage the structural integrity.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I immediately called him out.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, You only put your glasses on just to check that woman out, and he had no memory of doing that.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: He remembers it now.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I bring it up a lot.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also, to be fair to my husband, he's never done anything like that since we got married.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: He uh he did get laser eye surgery, so thank you very much.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Round of applause for this woman.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, we're trying to be good parents.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying my son's a toddler now, so we're trying to do gentle parenting.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Have people heard of gentle parenting?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so if you've not heard of it, basically uh if a kid threw a tantrum back in the day, my grandparents' generation would hit a kid.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: My parents' generation would yell at a kid, and our generation is meant to gentle parent, which means you're meant to get down on the same eye level as the kid and say, you're the mommy now, you can punch me in the throat.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's what it is.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: My parents did not gentle parent.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: My parents, they had one motto, I heard it my whole life growing up, there were three kids under four years old.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: They said the same thing to us.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: If we tantrumed her through a fit, they just went, we do not negotiate with terrorists.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And me and my brothers are half Arab, half Irish, so there was a precedent there.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: My mother was so strict with me, she told me I wasn't allowed to shave my legs.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: She said, if you shave your legs, the hair will grow back thicker, but if you leave it, the sun will bleach it and it will disappear.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Have other women heard this from their mothers?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, just so you know, yes, this is a lie that mothers tell their teenage daughters to keep them from getting uh laid.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Truly, like I think maybe my mom had good intentions.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she thought I would take after her side of the family, the Irish side.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: She's very fair, she has no body hair.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: That did not happen.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, in the hair department, I took after my Arab father.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: When I was 13 years old, I just became my father's back.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was just walking around middle school like a chia pet.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember one day it was a super hot summer, I was 13 years old, my mom wasn't home, and I went up to my dad and I said, Dad, I want to wear shorts and go outside, but I'm embarrassed.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can I shave my legs?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad said, Your mother was very clear.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: She told me, You're not allowed to shave your legs.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: But she never said, I'm not allowed to shave your legs.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: So the first time I shaved my legs, my dad did it for me.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Is that weird?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: But is it weird that he still does it?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or is that?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: No, I think it was sweet, and in the end we were smiling and laughing, and my dad just looked at me and said, now what do you say we do something about that mustache?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've been Janina Roney.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.