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8 - Sexual Containment: Closing the Container · Masculine Containment

• 0:00
  Hi, I'm Alex Schroffin, and this is the Masculine Containment Podcast.
• 0:03
  And this is the first episode in a five-part series around one of the most important aspects of masculine containment, which is sexual containment.
• 0:11
  This episode is Closing the Container and Why It Matters.
• 0:15
  See, most men, most people think that sexual energy is just about sex, and I don't believe that it is.
• 0:21
  Sexual energy is actually your drive, your ability to focus, your ability to create, and your creativity, your presence, even your leadership of yourself, the people around you, in your position as a job, maybe you run a company.
• 0:34
  All of these things are influenced and enhanced by your ability to contain your sexual energy.
• 0:41
  Because sexual energy is life force energy.
• 0:43
  And I came across this because I'm someone who's obsessed with optimization, who's obsessed with getting more done in less time and making a bigger impact and having a bigger life and doing more things that help people around me and making a contribution.
• 0:58
  And I came across this idea by reading about those things.
• 1:01
  And eventually it led me to the study of sexual energy.
• 1:05
  Because across cultures and throughout history, this has been something that's been understood.
• 1:08
  This isn't new information.
• 1:10
  It's just information I'm bringing to the fore, hopefully, to higher levels of awareness and understanding.
• 1:15
  See, in traditions like Taoism, sexual energy is called Jing, and it's your core life force, something to be cultivated, protected, directed, so that we can get more done, so that we can be more of who we are.
• 1:27
  In Tantra, sexual energy is seen as creative life force itself, not something to suppress, but something to expand and move consciously.
• 1:34
  Even in psychology, Carl Jung talked about libido, not just as sexual desire, but as psychic energy that can be transformed into creativity, into purpose, into growth.
• 1:45
  Napoleon Hill in Think and Grow Rich wrote about sexual transmutation as one of the most powerful drivers of success.
• 1:51
  He didn't give a lot of details.
• 1:52
  I'll try and give more here.
• 1:53
  Nikola Tesla even spoke about conserving his energy to increase clarity and output.
• 1:58
  These are different languages, different times, different parts of history, but the same patterns.
• 2:02
  The belief that sexual energy is not just about sex.
• 2:06
  It's one of the most powerful forms of energy we have as men.
• 2:09
  And most of us are leaking this energy constantly.
• 2:13
  A lot of us, I know I was, without even realizing it.
• 2:16
  So the real question isn't, are you using your sexual energy?
• 2:20
  The real question is, are you containing it or leaking it?
• 2:24
  Let's jump into this.
• 2:25
  See, here's what I've come to believe and what I've come to embody and understand and have like actually affect and change my life is that when we do work at the level of sexual energy, we're actually doing work at the base of our psychology, at the base of our shadows, at the foundation of shadow work is sexual energy.
• 2:42
  Because so many of the challenges that we face of men sit on top of this layer of sexual energy.
• 2:48
  Things like lack of self-confidence or fear around making decisions, not feeling good enough, not feeling seen, not feeling heard.
• 2:54
  When you start working at the root, you can start toppling the things that sit above it.
• 2:58
  And so when we work on sexual energy, we often work on a lot of things that are affecting us as men.
• 3:02
  And we can experience massive transformation in a much shorter period of time than if we try to address the symptoms and not the foundation.
• 3:10
  So let's get to the foundation.
• 3:12
  See, here's what I started to see in relationships.
• 3:14
  The more I studied relationships, the more I studied intimacy, the more I actually studied women, the more I listened to information that women put together for other women, the more I listened to conversations with women, the more that I listened to what really goes on in relationships, and the more I paid attention, I started to realize something that changed everything for me.
• 3:33
  Women know.
• 3:35
  Whether you're saying anything about where your sexual energy is or not, they know.
• 3:39
  They know when you're not present.
• 3:41
  They know when you're out of integrity.
• 3:43
  They know when your attention is scattered.
• 3:45
  They know when you're leaking energy outwards and it's not contained.
• 3:50
  And when that happens, it creates a lack of safety.
• 3:53
  It challenges connection.
• 3:54
  It changes intimacy.
• 3:56
  It weakens polarity.
• 3:57
  And I'll tell you that I actually felt this in my own relationship.
• 4:00
  There was a start period in my relationship with my wife, Katie, where I started to be aware and be more aware of how much I was objectifying outside of my relationship.
• 4:10
  how much I was actually leaking sexual energy, how much I wasn't present, how much I wasn't contained.
• 4:15
  And it wasn't something that I was consciously thinking about.
• 4:19
  It was just something that was happening automatically.
• 4:21
  It was this pattern that had been installed in me by society, by my childhood.
• 4:25
  And as I started to see it, I also started to feel something else.
• 4:28
  And this was intense.
• 4:29
  I could feel that Katie, my wife, felt it.
• 4:33
  I could feel a subtle distance or disconnection.
• 4:35
  I felt a lack of ease.
• 4:37
  And as I began to reduce my leaking sexual energy, as I began to move into the space of containing my sexual energy,
• 4:47
  Something really changed.
• 4:48
  It shifted.
• 4:49
  I could feel my wife's nervous system become more comfortable around me.
• 4:52
  There was more openness, more connection.
• 4:55
  Her attraction to me increased in a way that surprised me.
• 4:57
  And my attraction to her increased exponentially.
• 5:00
  And I was already madly head over heels in love with her.
• 5:03
  But looking back at it now, at first it surprised me.
• 5:06
  But now it's obvious.
• 5:08
  Because as a man, when I was leaking my sexual energy, when I wasn't in my body, when I wasn't fully present, when I wasn't grounded, I wasn't everything that I could be around her.
• 5:17
  And she felt it.
• 5:18
  And she actually felt that instability.
• 5:20
  She felt that leaking.
• 5:21
  She felt that energy going outwards and not being contained.
• 5:25
  She felt that lack of capacity in holding the energy that I had.
• 5:29
  When I began to contain my sexual energy, I became more stable, far more present.
• 5:34
  far more intentionally directed.
• 5:36
  And I've always been directed and successful to most people's standards.
• 5:40
  But this changed everything.
• 5:42
  It showed me and Katie that I had more capacity, more capability.
• 5:46
  It actually helped me step into my masculinity, which is something that I never thought I would ever say.
• 5:51
  And I didn't just see it in moments.
• 5:53
  I saw it over time.
• 5:54
  By practicing masculine containment and focusing specifically on sexual containment, something else shifted in our relationship.
• 6:03
  For a long time, and this is intense, there was an imbalance in sexual preference.
• 6:07
  And I think this exists in a lot, if not most, relationships.
• 6:11
  For a long time, I wanted more sex and I thought she wanted less.
• 6:14
  And this was this imbalance, this impasse that was very difficult to deal with.
• 6:18
  It was hard to understand what to do.
• 6:20
  It was hard to understand what we could shift.
• 6:24
  And it doesn't look like a direct solution, but as I practice masculine containment and more importantly, sexual containment, my attunement with Katie increased exponentially.
• 6:35
  And what happened next really surprised me.
• 6:37
  It was the outcome I had been looking for our entire relationship.
• 6:40
  Our preferences, me wanting more, her wanting less, started to normalize, actually started to equalize.
• 6:46
  And sex and intimacy became aligned between us.
• 6:50
  It actually became more playful, more exciting.
• 6:52
  It created polarity in our day-to-day lives.
• 6:55
  And not just when we were having sex.
• 6:57
  And the attunement between us created this connection and this
• 7:01
  equality of preferences where now I feel fully satisfied in our relationship.
• 7:08
  And I don't mean like satisfied by just saying I'm satisfied.
• 7:11
  I mean, there is satisfaction in the relationship that I have with Katie and she's communicated to me that she feels the same way.
• 7:18
  Here's why this is so important and what it means to leak sexual energy.
• 7:22
  And I want you to understand, this is important.
• 7:24
  This isn't about morality.
• 7:25
  This isn't about being a good guy or a bad guy.
• 7:28
  For so long, I looked at it that way and there was shame involved and judgment involved.
• 7:33
  it doesn't need to be that way.
• 7:34
  This is actually about awareness and capacity.
• 7:37
  Sexual energy leaks in ways that most men don't even realize.
• 7:40
  I know I didn't.
• 7:42
  I wasn't aware of it.
• 7:43
  I knew it was happening, but I wasn't aware that this was me actively and repeatedly over and over again leaking my sexual energy.
• 7:49
  And it follows a pattern.
• 7:51
  It's like attention constantly being pulled outwards and scanning and objectifying women and constant fantasy or pornography or compulsive self-pleasure, all things that I dealt with.
• 8:02
  And for me, this actually started early.
• 8:04
  For a lot of them, it started early.
• 8:07
  I found pornography when I was way too young, eight or nine years old, before it was widely available.
• 8:11
  And even before that, my father had a habit of objectifying women and pointing them out to me.
• 8:16
  It was something he joked about.
• 8:17
  It was one of the ways where we connected, one of the few positive ways where we interacted.
• 8:22
  So from an early age, this pattern for me was normalized.
• 8:26
  It was like, from that point forward, objectification became automatic and normal, and it felt natural.
• 8:34
  And it wasn't something I questioned.
• 8:35
  It wasn't something I was even really aware of.
• 8:37
  I just, it was just how I saw the world.
• 8:39
  It was just how I existed.
• 8:40
  And I know I'm not alone in that.
• 8:42
  Most men have been exposed early.
• 8:44
  And this pattern became a pattern that ran in the background of our lives.
• 8:48
  And here's the truth.
• 8:49
  We're actually conditioned to do this.
• 8:51
  If you look at the world around us, objectification is everywhere.
• 8:54
  Sex is used to sell just about anything.
• 8:56
  It's in the media we consume.
• 8:58
  It's in the advertising.
• 8:59
  It's on social media.
• 9:00
  Objectification is literally surrounding us.
• 9:02
  So not only does it become normalized, it feels benign.
• 9:05
  It feels like this is just what men do.
• 9:08
  But nothing could be further from the truth.
• 9:10
  Because see, here's what happens when you leak your sexual energy.
• 9:13
  When a man is leaking sexual energy, he doesn't just lose energy, he loses capacity.
• 9:19
  Man, did I feel this.
• 9:21
  Internally, we end up with fragmented attention, lower focus, less presence, less central nervous system regulation.
• 9:28
  I know there was long periods in my life where I felt like I couldn't focus, like I needed more time, more discipline, more structure, more something.
• 9:35
  And looking back now, I can see it clearly.
• 9:39
  The reason I felt like I needed more was my attention was scattered.
• 9:42
  My energy was being pulled in a dozen different directions.
• 9:45
  And I was leaking far more than I realized.
• 9:48
  Because in my relationships, here's what happened.
• 9:50
  It created less depth, created more neediness, more pressure, less polarity, less attraction, especially in my relationship with my wife, Katie.
• 9:59
  And most men don't connect these dots.
• 10:01
  I know it took me decades to put them together, but they feel the outcome and they don't understand the cause.
• 10:07
  We go chasing every solution there is when this could actually be the solution.
• 10:11
  And here's why we don't see this.
• 10:12
  Most men have never experienced an alternative to leaking sexual energy.
• 10:17
  Even deeper than that, most men don't know there is an alternative to leaking sexual energy.
• 10:23
  In fact, in many environments, leaking your sexual energy and objectifying and checking out women is actually seen as masculine.
• 10:29
  It's normalized.
• 10:30
  It's actually encouraged.
• 10:32
  I've even had people publicly say that when I talk about not objectifying women, that what I'm actually sharing is a feminized version of masculinity.
• 10:42
  So not objectifying is somehow a feminized version of masculinity.
• 10:47
  So many men don't question this.
• 10:49
  They just live inside this place of a leaky container.
• 10:53
  They struggle.
• 10:54
  They know what they should be doing, but they don't do it.
• 10:57
  They procrastinate.
• 10:58
  They have trouble getting things done.
• 10:59
  Their attention feels scattered.
• 11:01
  They feel like they need more time, more focus, more discipline, just like I did.
• 11:04
  And most men think I just need to try hard.
• 11:06
  But what if that's not the problem?
• 11:08
  What if the reality is that is meant we are leaking so much of our energy that it creates all of these symptoms?
• 11:15
  Here's what closing the container actually means and how it can be a solution for this.
• 11:19
  Here's what I mean when I say closing the container.
• 11:21
  It means you're no longer allowing your sexual energy.
• 11:25
  your attention, your focus, your motivation to constantly leak outwardly, unconsciously, and uncontrollably.
• 11:34
  Containing your sexual energy and closing the container means you bring that back into your body.
• 11:39
  You contain it.
• 11:40
  You hold it.
• 11:41
  You direct it.
• 11:42
  Your body becomes the container.
• 11:44
  Your awareness becomes the boundary.
• 11:46
  Instead of something that controls you, this is something that actually increases your capacity to do everything in your life.
• 11:52
  This isn't suppression.
• 11:53
  We're not just pushing it down.
• 11:54
  We're not just white knuckling.
• 11:56
  This is ownership of the most important energy that we have.
• 12:00
  And when you close the container, it's actually not the end.
• 12:02
  It's the beginning of a whole new way of life.
• 12:05
  Because when you stop leaking your sexual energy, you don't lose it.
• 12:11
  You actually reclaim it.
• 12:13
  And now you have a choice.
• 12:14
  When you reclaim that sexual energy, you can direct it into your focus, into your presence, into your mission, into your leadership, and into your relationship.
• 12:24
  Because when your energy is leaking outward, it's not available for you.
• 12:27
  It's not available for your partner.
• 12:29
  And intimacy suffers.
• 12:30
  I think it's part of the reason for so much disparity in heterosexual relationships is when we're leaking our energy, we don't have it for the most important relationship that we have.
• 12:41
  And intimacy is not what it could be.
• 12:43
  It feels flatter, less connected.
• 12:45
  Sometimes it feels forced.
• 12:46
  Sometimes it feels like it's happening out of obligation instead of desire.
• 12:50
  But when you close the container,
• 12:52
  and you direct that energy towards her, everything changes.
• 12:55
  As a man, your ability to be present deepens significantly.
• 12:59
  Your connection with her strengthens.
• 13:01
  Your attraction increases.
• 13:03
  Mine has gone through the roof.
• 13:05
  I'm so crazy, head over heels in love with my wife, but I'm also extraordinarily attracted to her.
• 13:10
  She is the most intensely exciting thing in the entire world.
• 13:14
  And that creates more passion.
• 13:16
  It creates more excitement.
• 13:18
  And at times, it is ecstatic.
• 13:21
  Because now, when you contain your sexual energy, you stop leaking it.
• 13:25
  It's serving your relationship instead of competing with your relationship.
• 13:31
  Let that sink in.
• 13:32
  When you leak your sexual energy outwards, it's actually competing with the sexual energy in your relationship.
• 13:38
  So here's what you do.
• 13:39
  You close the container.
• 13:40
  It's simple in concept, like so many things, but it's difficult in execution.
• 13:45
  This is actually a discipline, a martial art, if you will.
• 13:48
  I've been a martial artist my whole life, and this is one of the most intense disciplines I've ever learned.
• 13:53
  I remember the first time that I did this.
• 13:55
  I remember the first time I interrupted the pattern of leaking my sexual energy.
• 14:00
  It felt weird.
• 14:01
  It felt strange.
• 14:02
  It was unfamiliar.
• 14:04
  But I realized something.
• 14:05
  I had never stopped leaking my sexual energy before.
• 14:08
  I had never consciously said, I'm going to stop this in this moment.
• 14:11
  So what I did in a moment of objectification or leaking sexual energy, I paused.
• 14:16
  I put a hand on my chest, a hand on my stomach, closed my eyes, and I apologized to the person that I objectified.
• 14:22
  I said, I'm sorry.
• 14:23
  I apologized and then I sent love.
• 14:25
  Then I apologized to myself.
• 14:26
  I'm sorry.
• 14:27
  I apologized to my inner child and I said, I'm sorry, I'm not going to do this anymore.
• 14:31
  We don't need to.
• 14:32
  And I'd said, I'm here, I'm safe, and we don't have to do this anymore.
• 14:36
  That's how you repattern with a pattern interrupt.
• 14:38
  And when I first started this discipline, this martial art, I did it often.
• 14:42
  And it helped me realize just how often I was objectifying.
• 14:46
  And what happened was,
• 14:47
  The more that I paused, the more that I slowed things down, the more that I put a hand on my chest and a hand on my stomach, the more I apologized and held myself and committed to not doing it again, the more capacity I had, energy I had, the more creative I was, the more I saw opportunity where I hadn't seen it before, the less time I wasted, the less procrastination there was, the more focused laser-like clarity there was around what I needed to be doing and the energy was there to get it done.
• 15:16
  So here's an invitation for you in understanding closing the container and stepping into this work, stepping into this practice, stepping into actually pausing and breaking the pattern, using a pattern interrupt every time you feel it happening so you can bring yourself back to yourself, contain your sexual energy and capacity, contain your life force so that you can direct it and focus it.
• 15:38
  Take a breath right now.
• 15:39
  Think about what would happen if you got all of your energy back, all of the energy that's leaking out today, all of the energy that's consciously and less than consciously being directed at objectification, at pornography, at compulsive masturbation, at not being present, not being in your body and safe and directed and ready to get things done.
• 16:00
  What would your life look like if you stopped leaking the very energy that creates everything you want?
• 16:06
  Sit with that for a moment.
• 16:07
  Because if you, like me, have the realization that everything would change and you get so much time and energy and capacity back, this is a discipline I invite you to step into.
• 16:18
  Because most men are trying to build better lives while leaking their most powerful energy.
• 16:23
  And when you close the container, you don't just change your relationship, you change your capacity for everything in your life.
• 16:31
  Thanks for being here with me today.
• 16:33
  I hope that this episode landed for you.
• 16:36
  I hope you felt it in your body.
• 16:37
  I hope it made you think about your day-to-day life and how much more you can get done and how much more of a contribution you can make to the world if you step into this practice.
• 16:47
  And I want you to know you don't have to do this alone.
• 16:50
  I run an organization called the Brotherhood Society, and we are an international group of men that are learning masculine containment together and learning sexual containment together.
• 16:59
  And if you're interested in doing this work in a brotherhood where you're not alone,
• 17:03
  and understanding the concepts and the tools and the rituals and the somatic experiences that will help you actually step into this work and make it real, you can go to thebrotherhoodsociety.com and sign up for the wait list for our next container.
• 17:17
  I'd be honored to walk this path with you and have you as a member of the Brotherhood and help you understand masculine containment and sexual containment so that you can change everything in your life for the better.
• 17:27
  Thanks for being here today.
• 17:29
  If you can, take a minute and subscribe and leave me a comment.
• 17:32
  I read every single one of them personally.
• 17:34
  I appreciate you.