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Single & Set Apart: Singleness the Second Time Around · For Such a Time as This

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to another episode of Conception Times This is a podcast about calling, timing, and trusting God in the season that you're actually in, not just the one you hope to be in.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: My name's Bethany and I'm your host.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: This season is our second season.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's called Single and Set Apart.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm talking to um Christian singles or people that were single kind of later in life but aren't single anymore.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I'm super excited for what you guys might learn in this season.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um so let's just sit back, relax, and see what God might have for you in this episode.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Hey guys, welcome back to another episode.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: This is my friend Ashley.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Ashley, thank you so much for being on.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so excited to have you.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, thank you for having me.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's just jump right in.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: So tell us about your like singleness journey, where you are now, how you got here.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, going right in.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: We should start right off the bat here.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I will say my singleness journey, God has brought me from hopelessness to what I feel now is like a peaceful expectation.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it singleness kind of hits differently when it's your second time around.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, now being a mom or a parent and being previously married and now a divorcee.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um you've had that experience before, maybe it be good or bad.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you've had the experience of having a partner and now you're doing now you don't.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um so doing it alone and kind of redefining this air that you never thought you would be in.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um I grew up really um always having that desire of marriage, yeah, um, wanting that family.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in a home that was divorced as well.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when I was a teenager, I was super on fire for God.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um and was committed to being absent, committed to um doing it the god God's way.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but also didn't know who I was yet.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what I wanted or what that looked like for me.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um and being a divorcee, a child of divorce, um, I had something I was missing.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I felt like I was looking for love um that I was no longer getting from that close relationship that I have with my dad.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um how old were you when your parents got divorced?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was 12.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um so during that middle school and high school age, um, when you're trying to figure out who I'm her who are you in general.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that I feel like took a real big toll on where my relationship at that point went into what I was looking for.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so at a young age, I got into a relationship that ended up being that long-term marriage.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I thought it was it.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I thought this was I was gonna, you know, have the happy ever after.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that this is what love looked like.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and quickly that relationship that I had with God started to dwindle.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I made that relationship and that person an idol.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I didn't know that then, but what I knew was I was trying to make something work that I wanted for so long.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that quickly turned into a relationship that was very unhealthy.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I wasn't trying to give it up.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to fight through it and um made decisions that eventually did not honor what I'd always wanted to honor with God.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um and although I got two blessings out of it, um, it held a lot of shame.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: It held a lot of um regret and failure.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: So when that relationship ended, um, and the way that it ended, I was left with all of those feelings of failure, feelings of um hopelessness and what's wrong with me?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Am I not lovable?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And all of those things.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um how long were you guys together and then how long has it been that you've been separated?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: We were together, I was 18, so um total of 18 years and we were married, sorry, total of 13 years and we were married for four.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so already we were together out of woodlock for eight years.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then after that long time, yeah.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it was um over a decade of my life.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: That was uh all that I knew.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: It was that relationship you're like transitioning between like you're when you're grown up, like when you turn 18 and you're like, oh, growing into someone.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I literally went from my family home to college and in that relationship to a marriage.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I never was got to experience my own or experience who I was um as Ashley.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um so when that ended, I was left with who am I?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like other than a wife, other than a mom.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that family that I cherish so much was gone.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and all the memories and things that I held on to, you know, either good, bad, or indifferent.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think that people don't talk about how you have grief and sorrow after divorce.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's literally like a death.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and um I remember one night I was in my bed and my kids were downstairs and I was crying my eyes out.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was um I felt so hopeless.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I felt like like, what is my future like from here?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't see anything other than this.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Everything that I had and I thought was was tied to that person.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I remember literally just crying out to God and him physically embracing me with his presence.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and what I thought, I felt like I was lost and I had been in a place where I didn't think that he saw me anymore, that I made too many mistakes, or I didn't hold my promise to him.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Even through that relationship, I tried to keep fighting for my relationship with God, but I held that relationship too higher than him.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so when I felt that, like I remember feeling like, oh, he does love me.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that although I felt lost, I was never missing from him.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so from there, that singleness or this singleness journey has been um really just my journey back to him, back to the father.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like um he's equipped me, he's grown me, he's healed me in ways that I would have never been if I was still in that relationship.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he's saved me from a lot of that relationship.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, it's not been easy, it's not been something that I saw, but I've never not been grateful for.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think now, um, like looking back at what I thought was the end, it was just a new beginning that I created.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I'm very grateful in this area and just um seeing how my singleness have been a place where I've grown so much.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm starting to know who Ashley is.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I do know.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, good, good.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm glad.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: How long has it been that you've been single now?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, when did you guys get divorced?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we got officially separated in 2021.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then um divorce was final in 2023, so three years now.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think has like been the hardest or most tension-filled part of your like singleness since the last three years?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um I would say like transitioning from being a two-parent home to being a one-parent home.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, where now I had to, I didn't have someone to lean on for decisions.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have um another person to strategize or figure out or deal with a a rough time with our kids or anything like that.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: It was really all on me.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I only again, this is my first time um or was but my first time having to be on my own.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm also raising two kids.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So um getting the tension of feeling like it's overwhelming, um, like I don't want to fail them.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, then I'm also trying to figure out what um life looks like with just raising them on my own, stewarding them, making sure that um I'm creating a life that is best for them.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but also God has shown me in his character in so many ways that that's not I'm not on my own.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: He has been countless times been my source, been my provider, um, been a covering since I didn't have a covering anymore, been our protector.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he's progressively in every experience that I've had since then showed me who he is.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think just that peace and being able to like daddy, this is yours.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You you love them more than I do.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You love me.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he's definitely just showed his love and his goodness so much that it's given that peace.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's so good.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Do you um so like looking into like getting into a new relationship, do you have like a conflict between um like the faith of like hoping for something new and also still being content in where you are?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I think for a while it did take a while for me to get to accepting that I wanted something new.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like I said, it was a decade of my life.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So having to like heal through that relationship before I was even ready to start to date, it's like a couple years for me to get to that point.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, right now I would say that I'm I mean I'm definitely open to dating.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've definitely um have been.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm expected of that now.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know that he's gonna redeem what I lost.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I know that the time that I've put into it and the things that he has put me through these last um few years have only been to equip me um to be in that future marriage and be the wife that he's called me to be.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I think just putting seeing that difference between the time that's giving myself that time, um, and that it's not a delay in any way, it's just him readying me.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um do you like struggle looking around at other people's timelines of like, oh, those people are married, those people are in a relationship, oh they have a whole family, all that kind of stuff.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: How do you deal with that kind of struggle?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh that can be really hard sometimes.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um and especially when you are in those stages where those loneliness times are really hitting you.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then also seeing your previous partner in a relationship, in a marriage.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you're like, God, like, where's mine?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've I'm I've been in a place of obedience and coming back to you and doing the things I I know you wanted me to do before getting back into that place of marriage.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and seeing it around you, you're like, I I feel like it should be time.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I think God has really placed this one verse particular on my heart um that's really helped me through that, is that not yet that it lingers, um, or that it lingers, although it lingers, it will come yet and it will not delay.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Habakkuk 2, 3.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that like regardless of what I see around, the time that it's taking for it to happen for me, it will happen.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And um I've learned just to celebrate others.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like I love love, and I love seeing that for other people and love seeing it for the people around me and my friends.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And um, it actually more so now gives me hope that like you know it happened for them.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: It will definitely happen for me.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Good.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm glad that's like the mindset that you have about it.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um how or like what are some specific examples of how you've seen God meet you or change you in this season?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I mean, countless.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um he's definitely showed me who I am and given me an identity identity that wasn't attached to anyone but him.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um like I said, I I didn't have the opportunity to kind of figure out who's Ashley.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: So he showed me um just things that I like, things that who I am, what I val, my worth, um, things that I deserve in my life.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he's changed my perspective of what love looks like.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when you've been in an unhealthy relationship relationship, that's all you've seen, that's all you've known.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so really putting that first Corinthians 13 and making it real to me, um, just alone from his love and being experience it for myself.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um change my perspective on dating in general, like what I'm looking for.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: He's definitely changed that over time.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just the funny, tall and handsome guy.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Who is his character?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is his hero?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: What is um, how does he care for others?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: How does he worship?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: How does he serve?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like things that matter that will not only um support me in the relationship, will also not allow me to compromise.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not willing to compromise my relationship with God or um how far he's come just to be in a relationship.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, where I value marriage, um that desire has never changed, but how I look at it now.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just, you know, to be have a relationship, it's a calling, and it's something that he's definitely placed in my life.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and what he has for me, it will be for me, and I will be in the right place for that.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So when you say it's a calling, like touch on that more.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um I know that he's made me to be a wife, he's created me to be love and to love.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think what hit more that although I was in a long-term relationship, and you would think that you wouldn't want to, you know, desire that more.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't want to desire that after you had something so hard and um something that had so much damage attached to it.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um he's never dwindled that for me.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's always been that this is for you, it just is not what I intended at that time.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I know that part of my ministry will be connected to my future marriage.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's something that he's definitely has um revealed to me over this time for sure.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I I know that every lesson that he's put me in and and dating as Barons in such general, he's made it a specific lesson for me to learn from um to be ready for that.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to go back because you touched on um 1 Corinthians 13.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: And something I heard, um, I don't remember where or when, but someone at one point said, like, you should be able to replace your significant other and your own like name with like love in that like passage.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh so good.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like Ashley is love, Ashley is kind, etc.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: And um like when I heard that, I feel like was either during like my like long period of singleness or maybe even at the end of my like last relationship.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And at that time, I was like, people can't live up to that.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, it's not, which is true.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: People can't 100% live up to that, and it's like because we're not perfect, but at the same time, I was like, no one is like that.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: But now I've ex I've met so many new people and experienced so many things that I'm like, oh, there are nice people, yes, genuine kindness, like people that are patient, that are gentle.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um when you experience that, you realize that like, oh, it's not always like yes, this is actually out here.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um and we experience people, especially in the church community, that are on fire for God, that love him, that um that that's just within them because of him.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um so to know that that is um possible, yeah, um, and at least after it's our normal.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, for males especially, because like I've had female friends where I'm like, yeah, that makes sense.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: But like, I don't know.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Before I got to union where we go to church, now I don't know that I experienced very many graced men where I would be like, oh hey, you actually are kind, yes, and gentle.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, especially when you're dating in the world and like on the dating maps and you see what's on social media and all of that, those expectations.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: You don't it can get kind of like, oh, um dirty water.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like for sure, sure.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you don't think that you know people can be what God has intended love to look like.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: Hey you guys, it's me again.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, I'll be right back with our guests.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you so much for spending time with us today.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you're enjoying the episode so far.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: Let's sit and think about what might have been said that can relate to your life today.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're enjoying it, make sure you like, subscribe, follow, comment, all the things you can find us on YouTube for such a time as this with Bethany Garner, or you can find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's get back to them.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Were there any like beliefs you had about yourself or your situation that you had to kind of unlearn to make it into the new season that you're in?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think first being a single mom and being a divorcee, especially in the church community, uh, it can be like a stigma to it that you're just less significant or you're um forgotten.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Which I just wanna it's awful that we say in the church community, especially in the church community, like that should be the place where you should be the most accepted.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: And yet we're sitting here saying, especially in the church community, that's hard, and that's just so sad.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I'm sorry.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, you're completely right.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's changed my mindset in union, though, because what I've experienced and been in exposed to the single nights and um single groups, there's been people like me in the same circuit that have been embraced.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think that's also really helped yeah, change that mindset.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that God's like, you know, you aren't forgotten.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: He, you know, he's El Roy, but everyone else still sees you.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um kind of changing that mindset that like I don't have baggage, I have just a higher different standard of requirement.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just because I um have children, I have, you know, expectations that are different than other singles.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um doesn't make me less.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And uh my worth is very much um, like you said, at like a more than rubies, like it's it's not something that I should be ashamed of.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um and embracing who the love that I know that I can actually have.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do you um find there's moments where you are still like resisting surrendering to God, where you're still like trying to control like your own scenario when it comes to dating?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think I've definitely several times been in that place.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh when I say that peaceful expectation, I feel like now I've completely made him my shepherd.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: I've really been trying to like completely live out Psalm 23 in every area of my life, but even in dating.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um it took a minute, it took a while to like not want to put my hands in it.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: How should I date?
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the what I'm looking for, having that list of things.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I used to, you know, write down my qualifications of what I needed my husband to be in, um, and you know, asking God for those things.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: And he's kind of just once I started surrendering that and surrendering the desire altogether um to him and allowing him to work it out.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, he can only do the best things that way better than I can.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and allowing myself to have confidence in him alone, knowing that he is Yahweh, he's a promise-keeping father, that he is he's not gonna t give me this desire or um allow me to go through everything I went through and not redeem it.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so once I was able to like fully surrender that, I mean, it takes the pressure off of me.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: It takes the pressure of time.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, that's true.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: It takes the pressure of like feeling like I'm behind or um whatever, because I know that the time, the blessing is gonna be so much greater if I surrender it to him and allow him to do what only he can do.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because when you let go and you're like, okay, you can do it, then he's gonna give you immeasurably more and ask or imagine.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yeah.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: And he's done it so much.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: I've seen him countless times doing it in other areas.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: Why wouldn't he do it in this?
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: Right, exactly.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so how are you navigating dating in today's world?
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: What does it look like for you?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think it has been an has has had its ups and flows.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's definitely been harder this second time around.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think just one learning how to date, um, you know, the dating apps and um also being a mom and a working mom and juggling life in general and having time for it.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um trying not to put so much pressure on myself.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think I've learned a lot.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've I read um Pastor Stephen's book, so it helped me to focus on the fun part of it, not like I gotta get married tomorrow.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like that that's the goal and that's the desire, but like it you should have fun with it.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um so trying to just allow him to do it in a different way, be open to um different opportunities that can come, um, not just sticking to the dating apps or other things like that.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, I'm he's not allowing me to be on it right now.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but just as a detraction.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: But like I think he's like, look, just I'm I got this part.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um all the other things of life that I'm having to focus on.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: He's allowing me to put my energy there, um, and just being open.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: When so you were you were on the dating apps, but we're taking a break right now.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, alright, or we're done.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's quite I'm leaving it up to him.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I try to pick that phone up and like do it, um, he's like, mm-mm.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: So um, I've done it multiple times and you know, it's a lot more misses than hits.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: For sure.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think because my standards are getting not standards, but like what I'm truly looking for has gotten more restricted.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know the word.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's a more you have higher standards.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Higher.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um and what I'm looking for.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it's it's harder to look out in the world.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's the challenge.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like where do you go?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's you know, besides church or right other things.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: So just trying to figure that out.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and allowing him to make something new.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: Are you like actively trying to go in like environments where you can meet people, or are you just like going with the flow?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um last year I was in a serious relationship and something that I thought was like, oh, this is it.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was confirmation after confirmation.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so when that kind of um ended, I left me like, God damn, am I not live hearing you?
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is this not did I miss something?
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: Did I um see the situation differently?
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and he kind of just set me down, was like, look, every other time I've made things a lesson to you, let's look at what we learned from this.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so things that I thought I had dealt with, um, they kind of like uprooted in that relationship and allowed me to heal through that.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, things that I couldn't have done it without being in that relationship.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, he's definitely pruned that.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: So he revealed a lot of things in that area.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so since then he's like just kind of set me apart and put my focus to other things, like I said, just allowing him to lead.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I think right now I'm very open to dating.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm open to just letting it be, um, and um allowing myself to put myself in different situations, but not like majorly focusing.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I wonder, so I don't know, you'll have to speak to whether this relates to like what you were talking about.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: But um I was exclusively dating somebody last year.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: We never like put a label on it.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: But um, but at that time it was the same like, oh, this is like a man of God, and I hadn't dated a man of God before.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: And um there were there was like confirmation after confirmation.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so, but there was a time where we had a conversation, me and him, and I was like, I don't understand because whenever I asked God, like, I'm supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be here.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: And this was when we were like having a hard time and we were like probably gonna end things.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: And he he was like, Okay, God told you to be here, but did he tell you I'm your husband, or did he just tell you you need to be here?
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because like maybe this is just a lesson for both of us.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Yeah, he actually, yeah, he never told me to like marry you.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: He just said whenever I would ask, it would be be patient, just sit here.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: Which then I'm like, I go back and I'm like, Well, God had to go through all that need to learn it, but okay.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: But so I don't know if that's similar with confirmation after confirmation.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, yeah, yeah.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oof.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it was also the first time I was with a true man of God and someone that just said, Hey, I'm a Christian.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um but it's like your person you're supposed to be with, the confirmation will be different.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yeah, yeah.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was and I noticed I was unsure at the beginning.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like he was more sure than I was.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I feel like maybe that influence of like, I mean, I did go to God and pray about it, and things that I felt and then certain things that I had said only in the my quiet pace with God he had said, but um that still doesn't mean that it's exactly again.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like it could have just been that that you were supposed to learn those things.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like for me, I know like I had been very single for like four plus years at the point where I was exclusively dating last year, and that relationship like showed me so much of what I didn't heal yet.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I saw it I had, so I know like, yeah, that was there for a purpose.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_01: So it still did something, yeah, for sure.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: I and God specifically said that there were certain things that I couldn't carry into my marriage.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: So um, I remember my mom saying something right before I got with them that um related to my stepdad, and she was like, right before that, I was in love with someone and I thought he was it.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: And God revealed that sometimes a counterfeit comes right before the blessing, and that really just hit me.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: And he God reminded me of that afterwards.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, you were right, you were right.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, so knowing that I can come.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yeah, yeah, that's good.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: Do you um at what point in like talking to someone do you like reveal that your mom do you just off the bat?
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, off the bat, yeah.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not just for me, but for them as well.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like I respect people's preferences when it comes to that.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I need to know that's information that requires for me to know that I need to pre or want to per continue to pursue this.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so off the bat, I'm very honest about that.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and wanting to know not just do you like kids?
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um Right, yes.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: That and you stop exactly but there is a difference.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: Some people will be like, oh yeah, I like kids, but being in a relationship with someone that has kids, it comes it's just a different dynamic than not.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um and a qualification too is do you want to be a father?
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, is that something you desire for yourself?
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're married to me, you'll be a parental figure to them, not necessarily their father, but someone that they will value in that way.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and wanting to have a relationship with them matters to me.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, is you don't just come with me, you come with them as well.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's two amazing kids that you get to be a part of.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, it's something you know in the talking stage that is disclosed very soon.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: How do you navigate like guarding your own heart, but also like guarding your kids' heart?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like you have a certain point where you're like, you don't introduce them to anyone until it gets.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't think it's an exact science to everyone.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think that, yeah, for sure it's based on um the relationship and how it's progressing.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, for me, I'm super protective of my kids, but I'm also very honest with them.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've been, um, both of my parents are obviously divorced and have had relationships, and I've been on the both sides of that where I kind of was like, surprise my stepdad.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then two, um, being able to build that relationship alone with the other person without having that force, like, I know that they're gonna be a permanent part of my life.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um so kind of finding that balance in my own dating experience.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, but um and seeing how it's progressed, seeing how the other person is ready for that to be added to it.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, wanting to have a foundation in our own self before introducing them.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but also just making sure that my kids are aware.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like mommy is dating with them.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been very open with them because for me knowing that they are, you know, second priority to God for me, I need to know that they are okay with it.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um they're old enough to have their own subprinting time.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: They're what, like nine and thirteen?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: They're 10 and 13.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's important.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they are.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: And they've been also like the another big confirmation for me that like God is gonna do this.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: They want this, they they want it for me, but they want it for them too.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they want that family dynamic, they want to have that relationship that they know is feels safe and feels loving, that feels respected.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I think that's also like even more feels good that my kids want that.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's good.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's important.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: Do you um so not our church specifically, but just like the church as a whole?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_01: What's something that you think that the church could do better at or say more clearly when it comes to not just singleness, but like divorce?
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, absolutely.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, it's hard because it divorces one of those like buzzwords that you know people either don't want to talk about or don't know how to express it, don't know how to deal with it.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and how it is presented in the church can make a lot of divorcees feel kind of like shame.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think it should be placed on that.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know the situation, and God has a way of always redeeming things.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: So um allowing us to have the spaces, like when you're talking about singles, include, you know, single moms, single fathers, divorcees, widows, like um, that we our life is not over just because we've had a relationship to end.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and having that support, like connect roots and or just different events that involve singles, um, allowing us to feel seen.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it definitely helps.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: And for us, it's hard for us to get out there um alone.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: So to expose ourselves in our situation in church um can be kind of uncomfortable.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: But in my experience now, um, it's what's helped me to, you know, meet other singles that are going through it and relate, like we're dealing with the same things in maybe different circumstances, but we can support each other, we can pray for one another, we can um have uh build those relationships that can bring those new things into our life.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: So um I think it just needs to be more support, yeah for sure.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, good.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you touched on a couple already, but do you have like specific scripture that has been like your go-to in your singleness?
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um the Habakkuk 23 has been really big.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I would also say um Isaiah 42, just um knowing that God is creating a new thing for me.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not to forget the past, um, but when he does do it, he will announce it to me.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: He will make it make it known and make it clear um that I don't have to, you know, not realize that he's he's working in the background all the time, um, that he hasn't forgotten me, that he has um prepared before me um and gone before me before I even have put in situations.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so he knows over and over and over again um how I just um just to really refine me and what is required for me as the wife of my future husband.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, just knowing that he holds time too.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think the pressure of, you know, I'm getting older and I there's so many dreams that I still want, um, that yeah, I want to have with my future husband on all those things that but I don't hold time.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: He does.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm not behind.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um so just reminding myself of that for sure.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: Two last questions that I'm gonna ask you to answer, like and speak to people that are like in a similar situation as you.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_01: So the first one is um what is something that you know that like people that are like divorced looking for their next um step?
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what's something that you know that they're believing that they need to stop believing to find like peace and be ready to move forward?
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, that's good.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: I would definitely say for the single moms for sure, um, that you're not alone.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think we get so wrapped up in how am I gonna get through life with raising kids and having to um, you know, work and and to steward them and steward the things that he's God has provided for you, um, that we feel that we have to put dating or relationships aside, um, or we feel like we just don't have the capability of of doing that on top of the thousand other lists of things that we have.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and just knowing that like we can have support, like look for your support that you have available, your church community, your family, your friends, um know that God is your source, like you don't have to put all that pressure on you.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and the things that he provides for you is not just you know financially, he will provide what you're asking for um and the seed everything that you've asked for.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um really just like allowing that peace of confidence in him and who he is.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, just focus on your obedience and um just leaning into his presence and he will make open doors where I mean countless times I've seen it that you never imagined.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: All right, last question.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, who could um talk to Ashley from three years ago?
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_01: What would you tell her?
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: I would tell Ashley um that you are so loved and that you have a future and you you don't have to feel like nothing will ever happen to for you.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: Take your time and trust God, do not let go of him, do not let go of him, and the love that you experience is so much greater um that your best days are ahead of you and not behind you.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, um that's good.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, aw.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's all right, babes.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's it's a blessing to see who I am today.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's completely different than who I was.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, sure.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_01: So it's good to well, thank you for being vulnerable and thank you for coming on.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm really loved having you.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_01: All right, bye guys.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys so much for spending time with us today.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: I really loved having you here.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_01: If you liked this episode, make sure you share it with someone you know.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'd also love if you guys would comment any questions you might have that we can answer on future episodes.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that each one of you was born for such a time as this.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.