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Should you have single time in between relationships? · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: So this is a head Noise podcast episode, and you
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: might have noticed upon stumbling across this episode that there
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: are two uploads that have just come out on today's episode.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: And the reason I've done this.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Normally, when it's a head Noise or a listener question episode,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: i'll bunch you know, three or more questions together in
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: one episode. The reason I have chosen to split them
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: up into two.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Is because while both these.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Questions are asking a personal question, they also asking a
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  Speaker 1: much broader question, which would be something that I could
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  Speaker 1: speak to the general population about. So I thought, well,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: this is more than just a listener question. It's that
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  Speaker 1: plus asking for quite a big chunk.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Of general advice.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: And because when you search for podcasts, I wanted to
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: make the titles really searchable. That's the only downside of
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: my Head Noise episodes. They're not very searchable when people
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: are looking for advice on a certain topic, and weirdly,
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: when it comes to podcasts, they're just not the most
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: search friendly things. So, no matter how descriptive I am
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: in the episode descriptions, that actually does not come up
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: when you search. It's whatever is in the title. This
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: is why I've separated them into two episodes for the.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: Day, so they might be shorter.
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  Speaker 1: But there is another episode after this one, specifically talking
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: about how to support a family member who is going
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: through or not necessarily family member, but someone that you
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: care about who is in a coercive, controlling relationship.
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  Speaker 2: That's going to be in the next episode.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, this episode today is about the importance of having
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: a gap between relationships and should you have a gap
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  Speaker 1: between relationships, what is the downside of jumping from one
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: relationship to another. I'm going to play the listener question first,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to address his specific situation, and then of
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: course I'm going to go into the general kind of
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: whatever of the episode. Also, for those of you that
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: are relatively new here and you haven't yet already, please
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: go check out my substack notes on the mind dot
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: substack dot com. I just fucking love substack. It's my
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: new My new place to scroll is substack, And weirdly,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I've gone into this weird kind of algorithm on substack
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: where people share photos of their morning walks and their
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: gardens and things that they're growing. And I don't know,
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: because I don't grow things and everything I try and grow.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: I murder.
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  Speaker 1: Well, i'd say manslaughter because I don't mean to kill them.
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  Speaker 1: But yeah, I don't know why I've fallen into that,
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: but I'm here for it.
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  Speaker 2: I love it very relaxing. Okay, let's start with the first.
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  Speaker 1: This is a voice note from my listener.
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  Speaker 3: HI met this girl. She was in an eleven year relationship.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: She split with this guy and got with me a
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  Speaker 3: month after. It went long distance for six months. I
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  Speaker 3: was in Canada then I then I moved her to Canada.
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  Speaker 3: We were there for a year before we're doing a
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  Speaker 3: pretty much trip and then back home to Australia once
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  Speaker 3: he went in Australia, we were there for a month
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  Speaker 3: before she split and she said she doesn't know who
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  Speaker 3: she is and then she needs to work on herself now.
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  Speaker 3: She said she started pulling away midway through the relationship,
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  Speaker 3: but didn't tell me. I know that in that time
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  Speaker 3: in Canada, I did burn out. I did stop doing
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  Speaker 3: the cleaning and that kind of thing. Five months after
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  Speaker 3: the breakup, she is now with another guy. And I
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  Speaker 3: said that it will be the first guy that she
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  Speaker 3: that it hangs around and it just is.
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  Speaker 2: So Number one how the hell.
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  Speaker 3: Do I disconnect Because We've been broken up enough for
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  Speaker 3: eight months and I'm still holding on and she's already
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  Speaker 3: said she doesn't want to get back with me. Then
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  Speaker 3: that's now been with the new guy. And also, can
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  Speaker 3: we go into the importance of actually being single, because
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  Speaker 3: that was eleven years, was from the age of fifteen
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  Speaker 3: to twenty six. That's the form of years. So the
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  Speaker 3: actual being single, finding herself and healing, rather jumping from
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  Speaker 3: relation to relationship and in return hurting more and more people.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you, I'm mail, by the way, I.
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  Speaker 1: Love I love that last, but I'm male, by the way,
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  Speaker 1: very masculine voice. I've gathered you were Now okay, let's
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  Speaker 1: let's let's talk about this. I am going to go
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: into the importance of being single in between relationships.
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  Speaker 2: I actually do think it is very important.
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  Speaker 1: Not that it's like a it's not the end of
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  Speaker 1: the world if you haven't done that. And if you're
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  Speaker 1: listening right now saying, oh, well, but I've gone from
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  Speaker 1: a relationship relationship and it's actually been fine. I'm not
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  Speaker 1: talking about the anecdotal here or they're talking about general populations.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to go into the benefits that you will
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  Speaker 1: get from having time just to yourself in between relationships.
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  Speaker 1: So that will follow what I'm going to talk to
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  Speaker 1: I want to talk to you specifically about your situation.
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  Speaker 1: You're talking about how do you disconnect. Obviously, what's going
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  Speaker 1: on right now is that you haven't fully let go
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  Speaker 1: or moved on or decided that this is absolutely the end.
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  Speaker 1: I also sense a mix between missing her, missing the relationship,
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  Speaker 1: and maybe also part of you is thinking it could
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  Speaker 1: have been better. Maybe we both could have navigated things differently,
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  Speaker 1: and the end result would have been something better, Maybe
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  Speaker 1: we would have stayed together.
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  Speaker 2: If things had gone differently.
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  Speaker 1: But then there's also a frustration that you are experiencing.
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  Speaker 1: I think you are feeling that you were on the
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  Speaker 1: receiving end of her jumping from relationship to relationship, not
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  Speaker 1: really knowing what she wants, and then you were hurt
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  Speaker 1: in the process. But then you're going and seeing her
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  Speaker 1: do that again, and you're just getting frustrated, being like, well,
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  Speaker 1: you kind of feel a little bit like victimized by
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  Speaker 1: what's gone on, which is fine to feel, but I
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  Speaker 1: feel there's that mix of like disappointment, frustration, maybe a
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  Speaker 1: bit of anger, but more that frustration. Will this happened
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  Speaker 1: to me and if you had actually healed and done
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  Speaker 1: the right thing, then I probably wouldn't have been hurt.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe if we had met later on after you've done
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  Speaker 1: your healing, things could have worked out.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe maybe maybe what if?
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  Speaker 1: What if?
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  Speaker 2: What if?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, the first thing I recommend is we have to
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  Speaker 1: eliminate the what ifs.
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  Speaker 2: All you can do is look back.
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  Speaker 1: If you're going to look back and ask yourself, what
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  Speaker 1: could I take from this that is a really good
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  Speaker 1: lesson for me moving forward, and if it's something that's
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  Speaker 1: a lesson for her to learn. Unfortunately, you don't have
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  Speaker 1: control over that. The amount of fucking lessons that I
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  Speaker 1: could apply to all my exes and say, you know what,
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  Speaker 1: you should have learned this. You should, But it's not
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  Speaker 1: my business anymore. They're not in my life anymore. It's
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  Speaker 1: up to them if they're going to learn that lesson,
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  Speaker 1: if they're going to take on that learning or not. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: So I think for you it's really important too, as
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  Speaker 1: frustrating it as it is, always bring it back to
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  Speaker 1: what is within your control and what you're going to
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  Speaker 1: do about it. Now you have to kill hope for
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  Speaker 1: this relationship. It's got to go because she is with
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  Speaker 1: someone else, and whether it's true love or whether she's
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  Speaker 1: just trying to use a band aid, or whether this
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  Speaker 1: or whether it's not your problem anymore. It doesn't matter
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  Speaker 1: the reason, whether it's fair, whether it's unfair, whether she's
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  Speaker 1: making a stupid decision, whether it's it does not matter
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  Speaker 1: anymore to you. It's not relevant to you.
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  Speaker 2: And we will do it.
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  Speaker 1: And we, by the I mean by the general population,
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  Speaker 1: we will do everything in our power to stop ourselves
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  Speaker 1: from actually facing the fact that something is over and
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  Speaker 1: we have to actually do the healing. And we will
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  Speaker 1: come up with all these reasons.
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  Speaker 2: But she, but he but this, but that I've done it.
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  Speaker 1: I've been where you are and it's fucking annoying and
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  Speaker 1: it's frustrating, and I know how it feels. But you
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  Speaker 1: have to say to yourself, it is not my business
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  Speaker 1: anymore what she chooses to do. My focus has to
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  Speaker 1: be one hundred percent on moving on from this relationship. Now,
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  Speaker 1: another thing is that you've got to look at your
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  Speaker 1: relationship and say, there's probably many things here that was
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  Speaker 1: a recipe for this to probably not work out anyway. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: Number one you yourself are saying, she didn't heal from
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  Speaker 1: this eleven year relationship, and she jumped straight into a
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  Speaker 1: relationship with me. So that's probably one thing, a common
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  Speaker 1: theme when people jump from relationship to relationship I'm talking
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  Speaker 1: about in general. Okay, So there's you know, is when
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  Speaker 1: someone does that, they're often putting their happiness, at least
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  Speaker 1: their romantic happiness, in the arms or the responsibility of the.
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  Speaker 2: Person that they're dating.
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  Speaker 1: So, for example, you break up, your heart broken, and
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  Speaker 1: then you find someone who sweeps you off your feet.
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  Speaker 1: So in this scenario, it was you. You came in,
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  Speaker 1: it was exciting, she'd only been single for one month.
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  Speaker 2: It's this passion.
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  Speaker 1: So you've now been the cause of her happiness, at
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  Speaker 1: least in a romantic sense. She now is getting excited,
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  Speaker 1: it's happy, it's this. So you brought her happiness back. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: because she didn't properly you know, heal or recover or
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  Speaker 1: whatever from that eleven year breakup, then things start to
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  Speaker 1: go a bit pair shaped.
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  Speaker 2: There's the long distance.
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  Speaker 1: You yourself said, you went through burnout, you weren't pulling
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  Speaker 1: your weight on certain things.
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  Speaker 2: So she was feeling like a bit let down by you.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe the long distance kind of already put a dampener
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  Speaker 1: on it by the time she got there.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe there were other things at play.
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure she also had responsibility on certain things, as
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  Speaker 1: did you, and then that kind of start to fade away.
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  Speaker 1: So now she starts thinking instead of thinking either we
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  Speaker 1: are not compatible, or we both need to pull our
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  Speaker 1: weight a little bit more or xyz, she's probably thinking
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  Speaker 1: you don't make me happy anymore. So you go from
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  Speaker 1: thinking you made me happy. Now I'm not feeling happy,
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  Speaker 1: so it must be you that's not making me happy anymore.
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  Speaker 1: So I now need to end this and find my happiness.
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  Speaker 1: And then, unfortunately for people that go from relationship to
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  Speaker 1: relationship to relationship, that version of happiness that they're looking
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  Speaker 1: for is on the next thing, the next thing, the
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  Speaker 1: next thing, the next thing. So this is possibly what
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  Speaker 1: has happened for you. She looked at you as being like,
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  Speaker 1: you've provided my happiness, and then when she stopped feeling happy,
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  Speaker 1: she probably thought, well, the solution to this is to
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  Speaker 1: cut out the person that no longer makes me happy,
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  Speaker 1: instead of thinking, well, my happiness actually hinges on many things.
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  Speaker 1: My relationship is one of those things. But I can't
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  Speaker 1: say you make me happy and you take away my happiness.
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  Speaker 1: You can't give that power to anybody other than yourself.
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  Speaker 1: And yes, you can acknowledge when a relationship no longer
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  Speaker 1: serves you or is unhealthy, or you're just not compatible,
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  Speaker 1: or you're just not the right whatever. But if you're
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  Speaker 1: always thinking, well, you know, I'm not happy anymore, it
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  Speaker 1: must be this person, then you're always going to be
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  Speaker 1: jumping to the next, to the next, to the next,
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  Speaker 1: to the next, because you're thinking that's where my happiness
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  Speaker 1: comes from. And this is now when I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: delve into the importance of being single in a relationship.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to go into it.
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  Speaker 1: But for your sake, what I recommend that you do is,
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  Speaker 1: even though you're going to feel very validated by what
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: I say moving forward in this episode, it still should
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  Speaker 1: be irrelevant to you moving forward in the sense that
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  Speaker 1: I don't want you to focus on what she's doing.
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  Speaker 2: It's not going to help you.
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  Speaker 1: And what I address now, I just think it's a
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  Speaker 1: really good question that you've asked me, so I actually
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  Speaker 1: do want to touch on it, but it's not going
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  Speaker 1: to help you focusing on what she does.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: This new guy.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Whether it lasts or whether it doesn't, so be it
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  Speaker 1: it like what you know, You've got to remind yourself
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: there is nothing to be proved.
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  Speaker 2: I don't need.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Anything to be proved. She doesn't have to prove anything
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: or disprove anything. I don't need to prove anything to her.
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  Speaker 1: This woman is on a journey, and let that journey
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: be whatever it will be. But you're on your own
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  Speaker 1: fucking path. Okay, So you need to cut like you've
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: got to not hold onto hope. You've got to start
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: to grieve the relationship. You can only start to heal
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: from a breakup when you acknowledge it is fucking done.
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  Speaker 1: If there's a part of you, a glimmer that's holding
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: onto hope, you are delaying when you can start to grieve,
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  Speaker 1: and you only fully heal after you've grieved. So it's
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: got to be acknowledgment that it's over real.
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  Speaker 2: Acknowledgment.
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  Speaker 1: You've got to kill the illusion, kill the hope, kill
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: all of that. When it comes to relationship, not hope
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: in general, people think I'm even want to say that,
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: and then you have to actually grieve it. Process it,
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: allow yourself to grieve. If you're gonna get upset, allow
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: yourself to be upset. If you want to cry, you
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: have to allow yourself to cry. You've got to really
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: grieve it. You've got to close that chapter and then
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: you heal. Then you're like, Okay, now I can grow
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: from it. Now I onto the next Okay, I mean
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: onto the next thing in life, not person.
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: Now.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about the actual importance of being single in
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: between relationships, because I actually think it is huge, right
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: its major. The first thing is personal growth. There is
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: so much to be said about that in between time
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: between relationships, whether you're the one that broke up with
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: someone or whether someone broke up with you. When a
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: relationship ends, I think, whenever possible, it is very healthy
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: to allow yourself to have that downtime to regroup. Because
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: relationships are such a massive part of your life. I
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: don't think people acknowledge how much influence a romantic partner
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: has in your life, especially if you're living together, especially
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: if it's a long term thing where so many aspects
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: of your life kind of blend together and it's hard
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: to pull apart. What's exactly yours and theirs, and what's
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: together and what's not, you know, you end up you're
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: living your life side by side with this person. So
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: when that drops out, you feel a massive void, and
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: a lot of people people look at that void and say,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I need to fill this void. Now, there's three ways
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: you can fill the void. One by doing a lot
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: of self discovery. Two by jumping into another serious monogamous
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: relationship straight away. Or three by you know, hitting the
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: dating scene hard and not getting serious but like sleeping
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: around at this and that and dating and really letting.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Your head down and having it all blah blah.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: And then well, I guess for a combination between one
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: and three, where you are self discovery and you're kind
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: of you know, playing the field a bit. Okay, So
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: the one that I think is the worst is to
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: jump straight into another relationship. Now, I am going to
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: say there are exceptions to the rule. Yes, I personally
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: know people that have done it and have really succeeded
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: and it's been long term. I also know successful relationships
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: who have are the product of an affair. Right that,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: there's always going to be an exception. So you have
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: to look at general advice. When people give general advice,
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: it's you're looking at the general masses and the general population.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: Most couples that are a product of affair, there's shit.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: That's gone down and it's going to affect the relationship.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: Most people that jump to a relationship without doing healing
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: are bringing that baggage into the next relationship. So we're
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: talking about generalizations here. So when you have that downtime
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: after a relationship ends, this is not only a good
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: time for you to learn about yourself, but it's also
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: a good time for you to learn what it means
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: to heal yourself, to not put your healing in the
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: hands of somebody else, especially when you've been really hurt
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: by somebody and you want someone else to fix that pain. Okay,
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: when you've been hurt by somebody, this is a really
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: good time for you to do this like internal healing,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: and understand what it means to truly become resilient to
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: rebuild yourself after either abandonment or neglect, or being cheated
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: on or being treated poorly or all these things. You
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: start to really learn what is important, what matters. You
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: also get really good at pattern recognition if you're someone
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: that jumps from relationship to relationship. We all know a
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: friend who's gone from relationship relationship, and you kind of
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: start to think, the fuck did they break up with
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: that person only to get into a relationship with someone
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: that seems really fucking similar to their ex or the
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: last four people that they dated are just one big
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: blow because they're all quite relatively similar. It's because these
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: people don't give themselves enough time in between relationships to
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: really identify or to learn pattern recognition, knowing what is
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: a red flag what to keep away from, versus what's
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: the excitement in a person that's the initial turn on
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: but actually is the ultimate red flag or actually is
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: the thing that is hurting them. So that's a really
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: big one. Pattern recognition goes out the window. If you're
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: jumping from relationship to relationship, you also aren't allowing yourself
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: to delve back into and to give and receive into
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: your other relationships. This time when you're single, in between
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: relationships is really, really, really really good time to lean
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: back into your really strong friendships and you know, all
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: all your other relationships, whether it's like your family relationship
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: and your friendships, that healing where you're getting over things
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: and you're doing more fun things with your friends and
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: you're having opportunities to go on more advantagres or do
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: things that maybe you normally wouldn't have done in the relationship.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: That's a really nice time to strengthen your friendships, and
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: then you really learn a lot about yourself. It gives
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: you opportunities to evolve as a person. You don't always
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: have to change, you don't always have to evolve, but
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: it opens up the window of opportunity that if you
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: did want to evolve. This is probably when you're doing it.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: When your friends are like, Hey, do you want to
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: come to this thing that I've got going on. Normally
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: you'd be like, Nah, my partner and I are doing
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: whatever maybe, but in this scenario you're like, yeah, fuck it,
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: I'll just go and do that random thing that you've
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: invited me to. And then you start to discover new people,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: new things, new.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: Activities, new whatever.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: So I think it's really important that you use that
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: time to lean into your other relationships. Another thing is
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: the ability to rely on yourself. Now, this is not
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: to be confused with hyperindependence, because I've been there. I
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: think a lot of us have been in that hyper
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: independent phase where you break up with someone and you
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: go the other way of someone who kind of swings
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: from relationship to relationship where you think, fuck relationships, I'm
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: never getting to one again. We want the sweet spot
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: and the ability to rely on yourself doesn't mean you
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: can't accept help from anyone else, but it's the ability
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: to rely on yourself emotionally. I need to be the
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: one that can create my own happiness. Again, if you
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: create a pattern in your life where you think that
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: you can't be the creator of your own happiness or
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: that you can't feel complete unless you are in a relationship,
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: then you're always going to have a problem. You're always
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: going to be seeking it from the external, and when
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: you need something from other people, you then don't really
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: have control over it. When you need something from other people,
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: you get what you're given. If you can provide something
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: for yourself.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: Then you can be picky. You can you know this
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: beggars can't be choosed.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Is if you're like, well, I have to help it
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: from someone else, then you take what's whatever's available at
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: the time. Whereas if you're like no, I'm able to
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: heal myself. I'm able to find happiness within myself. I'm
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: able to create all these things for myself. Then when
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I do look for a relationship. I don't have to
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: find the next best thing that comes along. I have
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: to find the best thing that comes along, and there
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: is not necessarily a timeframe.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: Now, a lot of people.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: Say to me, oh, well, I just don't feel complete
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: unless I'm in a relationship. There are different kinds of complete.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: There's the ideal version of your life where all these
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: things come you know, into play, where say you want.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: A partner and children and whatever.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: And then there's the kind of complete within yourself as
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: an individual. You should always be able to feel complete
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: as an individual, even when there's other things in your
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: life that you would like to have that have not
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: yet manifested into your life. Okay, So the reason I
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: say this is because there's many things in our life
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: that we really want that is a human need that
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: is really important, like a partner, or if you want
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: to have children, or you know, other things but that
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: are not in our control. Ultimately, statistically, you're probably going
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: to find a partner, right Statistically, you probably wild, But
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: when I don't know, and what if you are someone
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: that ever finds that partner, you have to be able
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: to feel as complete within yourself as you possibly can
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: in that timeframe, and ironically, the people that feel the
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: most complete, the people that provide their own happiness, the
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: people that can do things for themselves, rebuild themselves, grow,
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: create stronger friendships, you know, give back to those bonds
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: that they have outside of their romantic relationships. They're the
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: ones that find it easier to then enter a healthy
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: relationship next because they don't have to have the next
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: thing that comes along. They're like, you know what, I
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: can wait, i can take time. Ironically, it's the ones
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: that don't really have to have it that find it
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: easier to get into another healthy relationship when the time
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: is rapped. Okay, another thing, and this is more so
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: for the benefit of the other person that you're dating.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: It stops you from bringing your baggage you're a bullshit
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: from the other relationship into the new relationship.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: Those lines are very.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: Blurred when there's no kind of wash out period. You
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: need a wash out period in between relations ships if possible,
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: because it allows you to recognize what was wrong, what
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: was right, what was specifically that person and not a
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: generalization of the population. It allows you to like wrap
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: that up close that chapter and then enter a fresh relationship.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: If you're someone that had maybe trust issues in your
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: last relationship. You come into this next one red hot,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: being like, well, you know, I can't trust people that
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: let me check your phone, and this is just what
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: It's just me, it's just what I do. It's just
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: what I do.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: That's you bringing in your baggage from the last relationship
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: into the new one, or these expectations that people have
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: to behave in a certain way and whatever. You need
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: that wash out period, so you make sure I don't
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: bring this old stuff. And if I've got trauma or
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: unresolved shit, it is my time now to work on
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: it before I enter in your relationship and drag this
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: other person that I'm dating into it. Now, everything that
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: I'm saying here, I want you to realize this is
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: different to if you've started dating someone when you were
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: fifteen and you're dating that person your entire life. This
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: is obviously different because when not talking about you know,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: breakups and healing and baggage from one into the night.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: That's completely different. And that's perfectly fine. Okay.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Now, like I said, there are going to be people
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: that are like, well, I've you know, swung from a
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: branch of a relationship into the next my entire life,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: and I've had no problems. You may feel that way,
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: but I'd be interested to see what all your exes
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: have to say if they also feel that same way too,
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: And if you're happy with it, then fucking do you do?
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: You right? Honestly, like, you've got to do what you
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: want to do.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, if you're someone
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: that always has this perpetual dissatisfaction in relationships, and you're
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: someone that swings from one to the other, to the
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: other to the other, and in the last ten years
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: you can't think of a patch of more than maybe
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: just a couple of months when you were single, then
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: maybe this is something that you need to look at.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: And if the opportunity if you being single comes up again,
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: maybe you need to press the pause button and spend
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: some time with a bit of self reflection.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Maybe go and do something.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: That's kind of out of your like norm, Maybe try
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: somethingmpletely different, course, traveling, moving cities, whatever, something that's like
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: I need to do something that I never would have
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: the opportunity to do if I was in a relationship,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: or it'd be a lot harder to do if I
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: was in a relationship. I say this to my friends
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: all the time, because I was talking to my friends
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: recently and one of my good friends, Lizzie, she's got
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: some friends who are currently our age, like mid thirties
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: and a single and the here in Australia like killing
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: it in their jobs, like just fucking killing it.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: But they're like in this crossroads of like what am
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: I doing?
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, I love Australia so much and this
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: is where I'm going to spend the rest of my
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: life long term. But if I was single right now,
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: in my mid thirties, especially doing the podcast, where I
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: could work that fuck, I'd be living in Paris right now,
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: and that's what I love Sydney.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: But it's like, there are times.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: In your life where you're like, this opportunity can only
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: happen if I'm only thinking about myself.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: If you're always stuck between relationship relationship relationship relationship.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: You might miss some airpic decisions that you could make
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: that only where you only have to factor in yourself. Okay,
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: so this is the time to go and book that
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: fucking flight and go overseas anyway, That's kind of what
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about the importance of being single
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: in between relationships. I think if you're someone that's at
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: a crossroads and you're kind of seeing people, but you're like, oh,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: but this is the chance that you need to stay single. Okay,
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: just stay single for a little bit, a little bit
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: to stretch it out a little bit longer. Learn about yourself,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: learn how to heal, learn how to provide your own happiness,
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: learn how to actually be heartbroken and sit with the heartbreak.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: That is character building shit, and it's so good for you.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: And ironically, after going through a heartbreak, it makes the
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: subsequent heartbreaks. Hopefully you don't have subsequent heartbreaks, but it
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: makes them not necessarily easier, but more manageable. You feel
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: like you have it under control. I remember my first
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: heart heartbreak. I was out of control. I could not
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: manage anything in my life. I was just devastated. I
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: thought I could never And then my second heartbreak, which
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: is arguably is so much worse because of how it
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: went down, I was I managed it very well, very
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: well because of the first one, and that time spent
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: like three years single after that. Anyway, that is the
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: episode of today. I really hope that that was helpful.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: I hope that was helpful for the listener that actually
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: asked the question.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: I appreciate that question, and I.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: Hope it was helpful for anyone that's currently going through
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: this right now. That is all for this episode, and
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: now tune into the part two of this head Noise
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: where it's a completely different topic altogether and it's all
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: about coercive control and how to support a relative, a
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: friend that is in a coercive controlling relationship.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: Anyway, I love you so much. As always, remember becan't yourself,
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: but CAUN'TI your brain.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: from yourself.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Dunker