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Sober Talk SA - Ian C. · Sober Talk SA

• 0:01
  Hello, my name is Ian and I'm an alcoholic.
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  Alcohol for me started off as a medicine, almost as a s therapy,
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  it really worked for me. It it gave me a sense where I
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  didn't have to think or care. So when I was a child, I felt
• 0:33
  like I never fitted in properly. I seem to be always different
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  from all the other children around me.
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  I was quite sick when I was a baby and I didn't feel like I
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  connected to the other children, always felt unwanted.
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  I was told by my mum that I I wasn't wanted that she wished I
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  hadn't been born and that that feeling went with me into my
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  teenage years and into my adulthood always a sense of
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  being disconnected or different throughout High School, I
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  suffered bullying. I was beaten up most days of my
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  high school years. So Certainly wasn't a happy time
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  for me. Most of the time, I didn't
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  provoke the other students who were doing the bullying and my
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  parents essentially, blamed me that I must be doing something
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  to them to be beaten up like this.
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  It got to a point where my dad started calling the police.
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  When I would come home injured from the other children at
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  school. So my, my teenage years, I feel
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  were quite troubled and I couldn't wait to get out of
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  school and I eventually got an apprenticeship which enabled me
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  to escape from school, which I was very Very happy about.
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  At the end of my teenage years my father passed away.
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  He was diagnosed with a terminal illness and died.
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  When I was 20 years old, that had a huge effect on me and on
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  my family, you know, the shock of that really hit home and
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  that's where my drinking really kicked off it.
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  Really escalated and also I started smoking marijuana daily.
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  It was anything that could stop me thinking or feeling emotions.
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  That's what I did drinking became a release for me so where
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  I didn't have to feel feelings or think about emotions, I could
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  just drink. And Escape it really became it.
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  An escape for me and I quickly noticed that I wasn't drinking,
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  like other people, my age were drinking, you know, we would get
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  drunk, but they wouldn't repeat the process over and over again.
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  You know, they wouldn't have a drink for months afterwards, you
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  know, but for me, it became it an obsession.
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  And it really gave me a no care attitude.
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  I used to be very concerned with what other people thought of me
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  or when I drank it really gave me a no care attitude.
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  And drinking enabled me to sweep emotions and feelings of
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  rejection aside, sweep, all those negative issues under the
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  carpet. And that's what I proceeded to
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  do. Drinking gave me a lot of
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  bravado confidence. It was my escape from the - of
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  my childhood. So you to start With it was a
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  medicine for me, but slowly, but surely things got worse and
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  worse and the consequences got worse and worse, along with
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  that. I didn't drink a lot to start
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  with, but slowly but surely that increased because the effect of
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  the alcohol had little had little effect on me, the more, I
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  drink, the more I The more I needed to drink towards the end
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  of my drinking. I felt like, I desperately
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  needed to drink. And drinking slowly, but surely
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  it became an obsession and mind Obsession, and that Obsession
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  overruled all other ideas. When I knew, it wouldn't be a
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  good idea to drink, I still drink anyway.
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  And when I knew that, I shouldn't drink, I still drink
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  anyway, the obsession to to drink became all-powerful and
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  overruled. Every other thought it was like
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  alcohol had stepped into my head and taken control.
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  It certainly had me around the throat.
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  I definitely feel like I was drinking against my will I knew
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  drinking was harming me, but I carried on anyway.
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  And I couldn't understand this. Every other area of my life was
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  fairly normal. But the drinking had become well
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  and truly, an established Obsession.
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  And I drank, when I didn't want to drink, I just had to keep
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  drinking and hiding, my drinking from family from friends, from
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  work colleagues, that had become my number one priority is
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  keeping hidden. How much I was drinking.
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  Because I was drinking more than most people.
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  And not wanting my family or friends to know how abnormal my
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  drinking had become. I wanted to self isolate because
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  other people, they got in, in the way of me drinking.
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  So I pushed away, almost all friends and I pushed away my
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  family. No one in.
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  Else in my family drinks alcohol.
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  Or if they do it's very minimal and I was ashamed of what I had
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  become and you know countless times I would wake up hungover
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  to the eyeballs. Wondering why have I done this
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  again? And why have I punished myself
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  like this? And I couldn't understand it.
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  and eventually I found myself in prison and that was a huge shock
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  for me through driving offenses, you know, I was drink driving
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  Even though I knew I shouldn't but the obsession to drink was
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  stronger and going to prison. Quite literally scared the life
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  out of me. I had Grand ideas that I would
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  be in low security, but that wasn't the case.
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  And of course, once again, I swore off the drink.
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  While I was in prison, I found there was no Rehabilitation at
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  all. The officers told us, we were in
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  there for punishment, not to re hit habilitated.
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  So when I was released from prison, I thought because I've
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  been off the alcohol for a little while that I could go
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  back to drinking normally and I did go back to drinking but
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  slowly and surely I was drinking tea specifically to get drunk
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  once again after the experience of going to prison and the
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  shame. Shame.
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  I felt for that was incredible. You know, I felt like I had let
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  my family down again and I done that many many times and the
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  shame that goes along with alcoholism was, was grinding me
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  down. But when I returned to to
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  drinking things, certainly didn't get worse.
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  This is a progressive disease and things progressively got
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  worse, and worse, and I drank more and more, even though I
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  desperately didn't want to drink, and I could see that it
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  was harming me physically mentally emotionally and
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  spiritually. It was, overtaking me. and I
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  could see the harm that it was doing to me, however, I still
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  continue to drink I think for the next 10 years, I thought I
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  could fix myself. I was certainly to pry proud to
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  ask for help and I thought that I had a lot of willpower and a
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  strong will power and time and time again.
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  I thought that I could eventually fix myself.
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  I swore off the alcohol. Hundreds, if not thousands of
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  times honestly, and swore I would never drink again, but
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  within a week or two weeks, I would find myself drunk.
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  I went through the cycle of getting into some sort of strife
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  through drinking swearing off my drinking.
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  Are we? And that would, you know, I'd
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  swear off drinking forever and that forever would last anywhere
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  between 20 minutes and two weeks.
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  And after, you know, a period of sobriety a couple of weeks, I
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  would get a false sense of Wellness.
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  I would feel better mentally physically, the fog would begin
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  to lift. And I would be begin to think
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  that I was okay and didn't have a problem.
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  A false sense of helplessness, I guess you could say.
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  And I would talk myself into another drink that this time, it
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  would be different. And this time, I would be able
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  to control my drinking as I saw other people around me doing.
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  But that very, very rarely happened.
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  And once I had one drink, it was like I always had to have
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  another drink. It triggered off, a craving that
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  overall other rational thought. And
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  I guess, I thought that I could cure myself using willpower and
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  using my own strength. Enough.
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  I tried every way to stop drinking that didn't involve
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  other people because I was too proud to admit to anyone that I
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  was alcoholic. I feel that I knew myself.
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  I knew that I was alcoholic and that's just through lived
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  experience of trying to stop drinking, but unable to stop.
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  You know, I would go over and over and around and around the
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  cycle of swearing off booze white-knuckling it for a couple
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  of weeks. And by that, I mean, Just trying
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  to use my own will power. The only thing that changed was
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  I wasn't drinking. And during that two weeks I
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  would increasingly become agitated and little things would
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  agitate me and frustrated frustrated with myself and
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  frustrated with the rest of the world and little by little, I
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  would become more and more irritable.
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  I found the further. I got from my last drink.
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  The more I could see the faults in others.
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  And by the end of the two weeks, I've become so agitated that I
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  would say, oh, I need a drink. And so I would repeat the whole
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  sorry process over and over again.
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  And I went round and around in that cycle for a public close to
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  12 years. And that grind, you down it
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  weighs you down, it gives you a sense of no self worth.
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  Eventually I would cave in and drink.
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  In June 2018, I drove while disqualified from driving and
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  this wasn't the first time I had done that.
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  So I was facing an even longer prison sentence.
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  And for me, that was Rock Bottom, that's that filled me
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  with a lot of fear. And a lot of anxiety and a lot
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  of depression knowing that I had let everybody down again.
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  A month or two after that episode, I finally put my pride
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  down long enough to go to my doctor and ask for help.
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  And for me that was a big step. You know, I was as nervous as
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  could be sitting in the doctor's waiting room and I eventually
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  said to my doctor, I can't do this any longer.
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  I need some sort of help. Help.
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  My drinking isn't just having a couple too many on the weekend.
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  My drinking was destroying my life.
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  And my doctor recommended seeing counselors.
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  He put me on a mental health care plan to see a psychologist.
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  And ironically, he explained to me, that in his younger years.
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  He also had a problem with alcohol.
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  The doctor also recommended giving Alcoholics Anonymous a
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  try. And by this stage, I was Broken.
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  I wanted to give anything a try. I knew I couldn't go on living
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  as I was leaving. So I did give Alcoholics
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  Anonymous a try and thank God. I did.
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  I was very nervous heading into my first meeting.
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  I arrived with one minute to spare so I wouldn't have to talk
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  to anyone before the meeting. But because I arrived at the
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  last minute, the only seat available was front and center
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  which is exactly where I didn't want to be.
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  But when people started sharing, and when I hear heard other
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  people stories, they were essentially telling my story.
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  I didn't know people felt the same way as I did.
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  I truly felt I was all alone while I was drinking.
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  But to hear other members of Alcoholics Anonymous, tell my
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  story and they were very understanding and they knew what
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  this alcoholism game was all about.
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  And so from that very first meeting, I met a man who was to
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  become my sponsor And he also had been through legal
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  proceedings. So he knew where I was coming
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  from and I didn't want to use Alcoholics Anonymous as a
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  get-out-of-jail-free card. I wanted this to be a lifelong
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  permanent solution for me. So, within weeks, me and my
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  sponsor Launched into the working aa's, 12 steps.
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  My sponsor said there was no reason to delay getting well and
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  getting sober and recovering. So that's what we did, we
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  launched into the stamps. And I think the steps are a
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  course of action. Just knowing the steps or
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  reading about aa's program or believing aa's program for my
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  kind of alcoholic wouldn't work. I needed to actually put the
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  action in. And that wasn't necessarily
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  easy. What I did need was a lot of
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  honesty, and I wasn't honest with anyone really especially
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  myself previously, I needed a lot of honesty and cut the crap,
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  and, and be real. I also needed to approach this
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  way of living with an open mind. You know, I'd always thought my
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  way was the best way. Well, the way my life was
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  obviously my way wasn't working. So I had an open mind to
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  approach Alcoholics Anonymous, with maybe that their way will
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  work for me. And of course, I needed the
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  willingness to work this program to the best of my ability.
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  And to work this program, wholeheartedly, For me and my
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  type of alcoholic, a half-assed effort, just wasn't going to
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  work. I needed to grab the bull by the
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  horns and and put my everything in to working this new way of
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  life. So it turns out that desperation
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  that I felt when I first started a that turned out to be a
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  blessing because that desperation was the kick up the
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  backside. I needed to work this program
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  honestly and thoroughly. I've done a lot of things in my
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  life that have been half-baked. And haven't put myself
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  completely in two, but I feel that I've given everything I can
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  to working the program of a and my very first meeting.
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  I heard a man read, if you follow this simple program, you
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  need not drink again. And that's exactly what I wanted
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  and needed. Because I certainly felt like I
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  needed to drink, and the Miracle is, uh, I haven't needed to
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  drink since. AAA has given me a peace of
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  mind, which I did certainly didn't have before.
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  I was full of anxiety. My psychologist diagnosed me
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  with high scale anxiety, but the program of a has given me.
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  A peace of mind. It's given me serenity.
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  It's given me self-worth. A sense of calmness.
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  Really AA, gives us a design for living and that's clearly
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  spelled out in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
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  Is simple but not necessarily easy, but it's been more than
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  worth it because AA has given me my life back.
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  Alcoholics and Alcoholics Anonymous has rearranged my
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  priorities. And given me a sense of self
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  purpose and self-worth. And these days now, I'm able to
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  help other alcoholics. Through sharing with what has
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  worked for me and sharing the program of AA.
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  So I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones.
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  One of the lucky ones that has gotten their life back and I
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  know not longer need to drink. At first II helped me with my
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  alcoholism. But these days a a helps me with
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  living a sober life and You know I've got self-respect now and my
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  family can't. Thank AA enough for what they
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  have done for me and IAA has also given me a power that's
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  higher than and myself. A power, that's much more
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  powerful than me. So, I'm very grateful member of
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  a, I know it works if you work the program thoroughly.
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  I haven't met anyone in a who has needed to drink again, who
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  was working the program thoroughly, and to the best of
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  their ability. Not necessarily perfect.
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  But to the best that they can do, and I'm a very grateful
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  member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's been my experience.
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  So, thanks for listening.