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Parenting with Grace Instead of Pressure · Grounded Growth

• Grounded Growth: ⁓ to Granite Growth. I'm Stephanie Petrie. I'm Nicole Gerardi. today we are discussing parenting. and so parenting with grace instead of pressure. We're also gonna talk why parenting feels so pressured all the time. ⁓ what happens when we parent from a place of pressure ⁓ and what grace based parenting actually looks like. simple ways to parent with grace instead of pressure and also just God made us parents. And so He's the one that provides us with grace. So how do we practice that in parenting? And pour so much love into our kids and somewhere along the way the the love starts feel like pressure. I don't know if you feel that way, but I know I do. ⁓ So most moms are not lacking effort. They are lacking the room to breathe. so maybe the real question ⁓ not how to parent perfectly, ⁓ but how to parent from grace. and I think that, you know, we do feel pressured because we put a lot of expectations on ourselves. and we confuse our role with God's role. ⁓ you know, our kids are blessings from God, but and they are our responsibility, but we also cannot control every outcome with our child. and so we feel responsible not only for guiding our children, but for guaranteeing those outcomes. and really that's only God ⁓ that can guarantee that. ⁓ there was a book by Ted Tripp, Shepherding a Child's Heart. this one was recommended by a great friend of mine who has been through parenting. And it's a book that's been around for a long time, but it talks about how parenting is ultimately about shepherding your child's heart. ⁓ the pressure increases when we're focused solely on behavior instead of the deeper heart issues driving that behavior. And we were just talking about how important it is to have our whys for things. ⁓ that that includes our kids and explaining why we're making the choices or why we're requesting these actions from our kids is just as important as the actual behavior or task. sometimes we put pressures on ourselves too, because believe our children's successes or failures are a report card to our parenting, that it's a reflection on us. and ⁓ grace-based parenting, it us that our children are ultimately recipients of God's grace, not projects for us to perfect. and at the heart of parenting is remembering our goal isn't raising. Nicole Ghirardi: Hi, welcome to Grounded Growth Podcast. I'm Nicole Girardi. And I'm Stephanie Petry. We believe that grounded growth comes from being intentional about compassionate connections that are beautifully balanced while flourishing in faithfulness. Each week we will share real conversations, encouragement, and simple systems to help build a life that feels steady, aligned, and grounded. So sit back, maybe grab a coffee, and join us where clarity meets calm and growth feels intentional. Stephanie Petry: And I'm Stephanie Petry. We believe that grounded growth comes from being intentional about compassionate connections that are beautifully balanced while flourishing in faithfulness. Each week we will share real conversations, encouragement, and simple systems to help build a life that feels steady, aligned, and grounded. So sit back, maybe grab a coffee, and join us where clarity meets calm and growth feels intentional. Before we dive in, if you want to make sure you never miss a conversation, hit that subscribe or follow button. Grounded Growth: Impressive children. It's helping them learn to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. And I feel like I know with me is that I always felt the pressure to get parenting exactly right. And that when every choice feels like it could shape our child forever, even the small decisions always constantly felt so heavy. And that's where my perfectionism really took over and like tries to tell us that there is only one way. Nicole Ghirardi: Before we dive in, if you want to make sure you never miss a conversation, hit that subscribe or follow button right now on whatever app you're listening on. Stephanie Petry: right now on whatever app you're listening on. Grounded Growth: To to parent. And when the truth is, grace leaves so much room for so many ⁓ ways of being able to do it. ⁓ comparison makes us ⁓ measure kids ⁓ and against everyone. I feel like comparison, I we bring it up in so many of our episodes. and it really does get into the way ⁓ of of we're supposed to be doing. So it steals the joy of every you know, moment that we have that we're just trying so hard to get it right all the time. And we're usually comparing behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel. So, you know, good old social media is great with that of, my gosh, Stephanie took, ⁓ know, ⁓ Travis to go get ice cream and then, you know, ⁓ and then Lori took the kids to, you know, vacation. And then like you want to be able to compare yourself. And that's just Nicole Ghirardi: you for joining us for another episode of Grounded Growth. We hope today brought you clarity, encouragement, and a gentle reminder that you're not walking this journey alone. If this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it, subscribe, and leave a review. We'll see you next week. Until then, Stephanie Petry: Thank you joining us for another episode of Grounded Growth. ⁓ We hope brought you clarity, encouragement, and a gentle reminder that you're not walking this journey alone. If this episode spoke to you, we'd love for you to share it, subscribe, and leave a review. We'll see you next week. Until then, Nicole Ghirardi: stay grounded and keep growing. Stephanie Petry: stay grounded keep growing. Grounded Growth: That's just not how we're supposed to live our lives. So we carry that mental load that really never turns off. And, you know, we hold the invisible to-do list, like for everything that runs in the back the background of our day and that we just can't ever shut it off. And so that constant low hum of responsibilities makes it hard for us to e ever feel like we're off the clock. ⁓ and so there's a book called Fair Play and it names that this invisible mental load ⁓ and that it talks about how it shows that the naming it is the first step to sharing it instead of carrying it alone. And I feel like us women, we already have a hard time talking about what we feel like are our expectations and what we feel like is the right thing to do in comparison that we have to be able to say it out loud and talk to other women, ⁓ being able to do that. So you know, and I feel like we often parent the way that we work. and it normally it's by pushing harder and harder and harder. And that's not what we're supposed to do. And that we feel that that drive helps us succeed. ⁓ and it can quietly turn into the parenting and so ⁓ more thing to manage and to perform for ⁓ actually spending the time that we need to give us the grace of parenting. So ⁓ Kids do not need a high performing manager. They need a present and steady parent. And that is so hard for a lot of women for us. And I know it's hard for me that I for the longest time, you know, it was this is the right way of doing it. And all I really needed was was God's word. And you mentioned something that I was going to mention too. It's called ⁓ just your conscious bias as well. So like being able to have conversations of why you choose what you choose without that need to compare. So we need to normalize that in conversations with other women ⁓ explaining the how to's of why you choose what you choose for your family ⁓ that you can still learn and gleam off one of one off of one another. And you don't have to do it exactly like they do because the circumstances are different. But there could be some wisdom that you could learn from another situation. And so It doesn't always have to be like to glorify yourself. it doesn't always have to be to compare either. You can share simply what it is that you're trying and what you're doing and what are you noticing about it because it might really help another friend that you have. So that's going through something similar. ⁓ when I think of Grace and parenting, I think of this not so beautiful story of ⁓ Travis and I got it and we are very much like one another. And we go to bed and I'm still fuming, and so is he. And Adam like and tucks Travis into bed, and Travis is just like bawling, ⁓ like he finally he just broke down and bawling. and then like Adam comes to our bedroom and to come talk to me and I am sitting there bawling. And so was like, Y'all need to talk. Like you need to this out. So ⁓ so we did. So I went in there, I got in bed with Travis, and we just started talking. ⁓ And ⁓ he to through his tears, and I think he was probably like six at the time, he was like Mom, it's just so hard to be a kid. I've never been a kid before. No. And I said, babe, I said, it is so hard to be a mom. I've never been a mom before. And like, I feel like that's such a great picture of grace because you're figuring out how to parent for the first time for this child. Even if you have multiple children, even if you have been in that age range before, it's different because our our Our God makes them so unique and we have to respond in a unique way that speaks to their hearts. and so and the relationship is gonna be different. So, ⁓ anyway, so I just think that that's a really great glimpse of of grace in parenting. and when we parent from a place of pressure or comparison or even control, ⁓ it become more about managing the outcomes ⁓ rather the bigger purpose, and that is shepherding the souls and hearts of our kids. And so what happens when we parent from pressure? there's tons of different things that happen. And I think one of them is that we start reacting more and responding less. ⁓ that's when we become into that reactive mode versus versus that proactive mode. So the pressure definitely shortens my fuse. We snap easier with the kids on the small things instead of staying steady of where we need to be. ⁓ and that reacting in the moment usually creates a mess where we have to repair it later. And most of the time we have to repair it immediately. And so it's really that that's the what pressure really does is that it puts us into a whole f like fight or flight mode. And where we get we get snappy and we lose lose our control when we're trying to stay that steady. ⁓ another thing it does is that it ⁓ the gets traded for correction. So versus us connecting with the kids like Stephanie and Travis did at that moment, we immediately want to correct the kids. And so when we are stressed, we manage the behavior instead of nurturing the relationship underneath it. So it's just like taking an aspirin for a headache versus figuring out why you really have that headache. You got to get to the core and that the nurturing of that relationship is what's the important part. ⁓ it also makes the kids feel the difference between being corrected and being known. and you know, and that's so important for the kids because they've never been kids, like Trav said, and that they're learning throughout this all too. And if we're constantly correcting or we constantly I think the big thing is is that we always say no, no, no, no, no, ⁓ know, it that plays a huge factor of how who the kids become, and that's that's not what we want to do. ⁓ it also gets the guilt becomes the background noise of our parenting. So the pressure tells us nothing we do is ever quite enough. And so the guilt follows us everywhere. And it rarely makes us better parents. It just makes us more tired ones. So then we're exhausted. And when we're exhausted and we don't have the energy, that's when the moodiness and the snappiness and everything comes in my place because that's that's what my brain is triggering for me. So And a big thing is that our kids absorb the stress we carry. They they watch us completely. I mean, we are their role models that they see every day in and day out. So children can read our tone immediately. They can see the tension long before they understand our words. ⁓ you know, body language is such an important thing, too, that the calm we want for them usually has to start with the calm we give ourselves. So it's not the problem with the kids, it's the problem with us. And the problem that's what we have to fix for anything is is that it all comes before before them. It's us that we have to the correct and fix. And when you are coming from a place of like a fear-based parenting, because you're afraid of how you're gonna be perceived to outward, you know, the outward effects of your child, that can produce obedience for the moment. but in the long term, but it rarely produces wisdom or genuine heart change. and so when we are focusing on grace-based parenting or, you know, even disciplining through the gospel, which we'll talk about here in a minute, I just think that, you know, it is it's a long term discipleship of your child. and that's really what it is too, is being able to build that and teach them about God's way and ⁓ ⁓ preach to your feelings. ⁓ children begin to feel like they are loved for their performance ⁓ of secure in their relationship with us when we have that fear-based parenting. ⁓ and pressure can cause us to react in anger. ⁓ and as Tripp reminded us, ⁓ that human anger may create fear, ⁓ it does not produce biblical righteousness. And I think this is where sometimes we misunderstand grace because grace is not lowering the bar or letting everything go. It is parenting from a place of peace instead of that pressure. so grace-based parenting, ⁓ is a book by Tim Kimmel. grace-based starts by remembering that our children are image bearers, not interpretations. ⁓ it means asking what is happening in my child's heart before jumping straight to the behavior management. and so Ted Tripp teaches that communication must go deeper than rules and We want to understand what our child is believing, what they're fearing, what they're wanting, or even worshiping in that moment. It is all a teachable opportunity. grace-based parenting doesn't ignore discipline, it combines loving correction with meaningful conversations that point children toward Christ. ⁓ using the gospel of As your like almost as like your template. ⁓ so explaining you know that we ⁓ that all sin and fall short for the from the glory of God, ⁓ and and ⁓ naming sin that's happening. This is a sin of pride because, or this is a sin of being a sluggard, or this is a ⁓ you whatever it might be. and and able to say that, you know, the that Jesus came to save sinners. And so, you know, he has called you his beloved. He has given you the fruit of the spirit of of patience, and and self-control. And so we have to be stewards of that. And we have to honor God by doing this. So you know you kind of walk them through the ⁓ the the gospel as you are disciplining. it's all within your words and your actions because there might still be a consequence in in the action that they chose, ⁓ it doesn't end there. ⁓ have to explain the why and you have to remember it's teachable. And so Tim Kimmel in Grace-Based Parenting talked about creating three things in our children: secure love, significant purpose, and strong hope. ⁓ Our need to know that they are loved, that they're valued and pointed toward God's purposes, even when they struggle. ⁓ and so these are things that are going to be able to be instilled in your children long after childhood. I love that. you know, I I feel like this is kind of going back to kind of what I've said, but grace ⁓ that connection before the correction, like we talked about, is connecting before we start that you know, immediately going to the behavior. ⁓ when the kids feel connected to us, they are far more open to our guidance. versus immediately correcting their behavior, they're not going to open up to us. And so correction lands best on the foundation of a secure relationship. grace is also about progress, not perfection. ⁓ we are raising growing humans ⁓ not finished products. So and that growth is a messy by design and it's it's purposeful that way. ⁓ that, you know, I was talking to Steph about this earlier about a book a business call I did this morning that, you know, it's we we have to fail to learn. And, you know, kids are learning to be human. So they're gonna have to fail and make the mistakes. And we have to nurture that as accepting that, where it's it's part of life. And that is why we're constantly growing and nurturing them. So then that way they can be growing messy, not, you know, not by perfection. so there's a book from Carol Dwack. it's called mindset. and it talks about a growth mindset says abilities are built over time and praising effort over outcome shapes how our kids come to see themselves. ⁓ so that's really taking that in and and really digesting that is that we have to be able to Acknowledge that ourselves, that our kids are not going to be perfect. And our kids are not going to be the same. And our kids are going to learn from that and be able to grow and to be the humans that we want them to be. grace is also about repairing instead of pretending. So the goal is not a home with no rupture. ⁓ it's it's about a home that knows how to repair. So we want to constantly be growing and learning and making the mistakes because. This is an ongoing issue. saying I'm sorry to our kids teaches them more than always being right, ever will do that. And that that is something hard for us just as humans to apologize and acknowledge where we made fault. ⁓ if we can't do that in front of our kids, ⁓ are we supposed to expect our kids to do it for us or even for their friendships and their relationships that they have when they're in in their childhood and or even in their adulthood. well as grace extends to us as the parent too. So we cannot pour grace onto our kids from a tank that is running on guilt and shame. And the kindness we give ourselves ⁓ becomes kindness our kids learn to give themselves. And that is so, so important. ⁓ So Brene Brown from Daring GREATLY reminds us that we cannot give our children what we do not have. So our own self-compassion is part of the work. ⁓ And that is where we have said time and time again in our podcast, we have to work on ourselves before we can ⁓ ever. work on anyone else and especially our children. We want to be those role models and for them to be able to look at us and see what we can give ourselves or they're not going to give it to themselves or to others. And thankfully building that kind of home doesn't require perfection. It happens through simple choices made consistently over time. So how do we actually build it into that everyday busy reality of parenting? I have four practical ways like I always do. before reacting. I feel like a simple deep breath before we respond can change the entire direction of a hard moment. ⁓ And is not even just for parenting. I feel like this is for adulthood altogether. but also, you know, watching ⁓ having the watch us do that is is is important. They're learning from us. So ⁓ the pause where we choose the parent we want to be instead of the reacting on autopilot. Okay. so one of my favorite books, it's not a parenting book, but I always find something in there for the parenting is the James Clare Atomic Habits. It's all based on habit ⁓ stacking and you know, creating. but he says you do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems. So a calm response is a rhythm or routine we build in advance, ⁓ not the we summon in the moment. So that's that's really, really important to kind of take in and digest for for that because we have to be able to have the systems for ourselves to let our kids then watch us do. lowering the bar from perfect to present. And this one was hard for me. And this one still is hard for me because I feel like perfectionism is something that I ⁓ and battle with every day. but our kids are will not remember a perfectly run house. ⁓ They will remember whether we were there with them. So, you know, it's the moments of do your kids remember when they you're when they're asked for childhood, was your parent always working? Were, you know, was it that they always had to do chores and they they feel like that that there was never those present enjoyable moments? And that's really hard because as moms, We have so much on our list of things to do that, you know, I try to make chores fun, but chores are not exciting to kids. And it's finding the times to be present versus being perfect in the household. So let the laundry not be done so you can sit and watch a movie with the kids if that's what they need. the presence is the thing that they are actually asking for when they tug on us. So, you know, it's it's stopping in the moment and not saying we will, we'll see. Maybe later it's okay, I'm gonna stop what I'm doing now because it's not a life or death situation. The laundry will always get done, the dishes will always get done. We only have so much time with our kiddos. repairing quickly after hard moments. So a quick I am sorry, I ⁓ I should not have s snapped at you teaches the connection and the humility at the same time for both sides. ⁓ repair turns a hard moment into a lesson instead of a wound that constantly gets reopened with the kiddos. so you know, and the last thing I really want to say is let go of comparison. I feel like we compare on ⁓ angle of our lives ⁓ we have to stop. Our children are not behind, they on their own timeline, and so are you. And so is the thief. Of time, I truly believe, because we spend so much time doing it. And that the only home you were responsible for is your your own. and so I found this ⁓ quote and I thought it was really interesting with Theodore Roosevelt. comparison is the thief of joy, and it's so true. nowhere is that more true than in parenting. ⁓ And, you just take the time with the kiddos, leave everything else aside. I think, Something that was missing ⁓ when I was growing up was the reflection of why. ⁓ and it was just, I told you so, therefore do it. and so I felt like that was something I wanted to be a little more intentional about was questions. and so focus on heart questions, not just the behavioral questions. For example, what were you wanting? ⁓ what were you believing? Or what even made that choice seem right in that moment? and it allows them to justify their choice that they made, even if they realize it was probably not the right choice. and then that'll help with the conversations that are following it. ⁓ when you create an environment ⁓ where children have that freedom to be honest about struggles without fear or condemnation, that's where love is. I mean, that is how. ⁓ They are seen and known and heard. it takes the intentionality of asking them the questions. look for opportunities to affirm who God made them ⁓ rather consistently highlighting what needs improvement. and you there are times where I have to just tell him, like, I am so blessed to be your mama. Like you are such a compassionate boy and that just brings me so much joy. Or you are so funny and you make me laugh, like belly laugh. just noticing it in those moments is important. ⁓ your children to discover their God-given strengths and their purpose rather than comparing them to other children. ⁓ love how you said that your kids are not behind. I loved that. They're right where God needs them to be right now. And it doesn't mean they aren't going to grow. and it doesn't mean that it doesn't take intentionality from both of you to help them grow. but I really love that. build family rhythms that encourage communication and prayer and confession and forgiveness and discipleship, all of my favorite words. but it is a rhythm. And what I I love about rhythms, ⁓ other than being a music teacher, is that they are patterns and the pattern doesn't have to stay the same. so it just it kind of depends on your circumstance, situation, season, time of day, any of those things can change that rhythm. But what needs to stay constant is that you're coming back to communication. It may not, you know, maybe in that moment it's too much, you guys are too heated. So communication might not be the thing that you that you need right then and there. You just might need to take a breath. but then also being able to pray, confess, ⁓ forgive, ask for forgiveness if you overreacted. so you know, and and what's neat is is that the Lord will start. changing how you're responding when you start practicing these things. you'll know where your threshold is and they'll know where theirs is. And you're going to learn that about each other. And so it's okay to say, hey, I can't talk about this right now. Can we come back to it in about, I don't know, 10 minutes? and then set that timer to hold you accountable. Remember that correction should always be connected to relationship. Children learn best when they know that they're deeply loved. And you do deeply love them. No parent wakes up and says, I'm gonna be the worst parent I can be today. may not have the tools or the knowledge of how to be better. ⁓ but that's where, you know, your tribe of your church is gonna come alongside you. And that's where those conversations come into play. Hey, we're really struggling with, ⁓ know, Travis being disrespectful and talking back. ⁓ do you you know, how did you experience that and how did you guys deal with that? So I think that that's you know, seeking wise counsel from others is another good tip. ⁓ And at some point, grace stops being just a parenting strategy and becomes something we receive before we give it. ⁓ brings us to our scripture for our podcast today. So that is Psalms chapter 103, verses 13 through 14. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame. He remembers that we are dust. This passage reminds us that God fully knows our weaknesses and loves us anyway. one of the best, one of the best pictures, of the gospel is parenting. I remember, again, not so great of a story, but Travis was. young one, maybe two. We'll say two for terrible twos, right? terrible threes is really what it is. And I just remember he just was I like just constantly screaming, just screaming, screaming, screaming, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I started screaming. and then it scared him. then I started bawling because I'm like that's not what I But I just did not have the self-control at the time. And in that moment, I'm cradling him. We were on the stairs, I remember, I'm apologizing, I'm so sorry. I you know, and and he's calming down. And then I just remember praying and remembering like, God, this is this is me. Like I'm hold I'm holding this is how you feel, but you don't yell. ⁓ Right. ⁓ You don't react in that way. ⁓ and just me how much I needed him to get through. The hardships too of parenting. So God's not surprised by our failures as parents. ⁓ He knows our limitations and responds with compassion. so that needs to be a model of what we should do, ⁓ when we don't do it. grace-based parenting is really about raising our children the way God raises his children with truth and correction, ⁓ mercy, and love. and when you practice mercy, like it, label it that. and know, there's times where, you know, we do have mercy in a situation where Travis knows that he was wrong in something. ⁓ And we conversation, Adam and have decided we're not going to punish him for it. ⁓ We had conversation instead. And so we're showing ⁓ you a ⁓ by not you a consequence in this. But there's the lesson that you also learned. So think it's important to make sure you are teaching them the vocabulary too. God doesn't motivate us through shame. He transforms us through grace. ⁓ And more our children experience secure love and significant purpose and strong hope in our homes, ⁓ the they begin to understand the character of their heavenly father. So yeah, we're role models, but we should be role models of how we keep seeking God in all things. our children need to see parents who repent. We need to repent in front of our children. they need see parents that ask for forgiveness and that depend on Christ, ⁓ not parents pretend to have it all together, not parents that just show up to church on Sunday, but then don't practice their faith throughout the week. ⁓ At the end of the day, our greatest goal isn't behavior modification. It's introducing our children to the God whose grace can transform hearts. And we best from grace we have received, ⁓ not the pressure we manufacture. So We can only give our kids the grace we have first let ourselves receive. and striving leaving leaves us empty while the grace is what keeps the tank full for us. God's strength shows up most in our weakest parenting moments. ⁓ And so the we feel less equipped are often where his grace is the most evident in the situation. So we don't have to be a perfect parent. Because we are pointing our kids to a perfect God instead. when grace becomes the atmosphere of our homes, parenting starts to feel less like carrying a burden alone and more like partnering with God in the work that He's already doing. Absolutely. So wrapping this podcast up in a little pretty lovely bow is start by extending grace to yourself first. you cannot pour out what you have not allowed yourself to receive. speak to yourself the way you want your children to speak to themselves. ⁓ that is so important. you don't have to be a perfect parent to be a good one. Okay. Your kids do not need the perfection. They need your presence and your love. The fact that you care this much is already evidence that you are doing better than you feel. another thing is this connection matters more than getting it all right. So years from now, the relationship is what will remain, not the tidy house or the flawless routine. So stop doing the laundry and go do something with the kiddos. and last but not least is peace grows when grace leads instead of pressure. So pressure ⁓ try harder. And the grace says you are already enough in Christ. So when grace leads the home, ⁓ the hard parenting days carry steadiness that the pressure never could. And if you're feeling overwhelmed as a parent, just remember that God never asked you to be your child's savior. He already sent one. and success in parenting is not about producing perfect children, it is faithfully pointing your children to Christ over and over again. ⁓ your child needs your presence more than perfection, just like you said. And I think keeping with conversations, keep praying, keep correcting with love, and keep extending grace. Some of the seeds that you're planting today may not bear fruit for years, but God is always working beneath the surface. And parenting is one of the greatest discipleship opportunities that God has given us, and his grace is sufficient for every season of it. So I am going to just us into next week's episode. And I just you to remember that you're doing better than what you think. So in our next episode, we're gonna talk about friendship in different seasons of life. ⁓ because the way that our friendships shift through every stage is something so many of us feel but rarely talk about, or even different types of friendships, I feel like. So that'll be a fun episode. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.