Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Season #3 - Teens (Pt. 2) | Ep. 09

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Parenting Season #3 - Teens (Pt. 2) | Ep. 09 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:00
  Cheryl (2): So we're back talking about teens again this week and you know, I've still got two teens at home and you know, it's just hard.
• 1:09
  Cheryl (2): It's tricky because every day is a new day and, and some days you're just thinking.
• 1:15
  Cheryl (2): Girl.
• 1:15
  Cheryl (2): What are you thinking
• 1:17
  Ellen: sometimes in the same hour?
• 1:18
  Ellen: Yes.
• 1:19
  Cheryl (2): Because it will do that kind of a.
• 1:21
  Cheryl (2): You've ruined my life.
• 1:23
  Cheryl (2): Why don't you let me you're destroying my life and all that.
• 1:26
  Cheryl (2): And then they go to their rooms and then come back in a few minutes and say, oh mom, would you call with me?
• 1:32
  Cheryl (2): I really want to pick out an outfit or a gift or something, please.
• 1:35
  Cheryl (2): Can we go together?
• 1:36
  Cheryl (2): And maybe he could stop and get an ice
• 1:38
  Ellen: cream or what's even worse.
• 1:40
  Ellen: My friend just do this horrible thing and you side with him and go, yes, that was really horrible.
• 1:45
  Ellen: Oh, talk about
• 1:49
  Cheryl: Dare you attack my friend.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: This is real.
• 1:53
  Cheryl: So actually there is a scientific explanation for some of this and it really does have to do with the brain.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: Just like what you said, there is a something, in the brain, this loyalty thing that they have and they can trash their friends, all they want, but we better not because instead of saying you're right.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: That makes sense.
• 2:14
  Cheryl: Which they might've done at eight years old or at 28 years old, but in the teen years, because of the way their brain is wired, there's a loyalty thing that kicks off and you become the enemy.
• 2:26
  Cheryl: If you attack even a bad friend.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 2:29
  Ellen: That doesn't necessarily work for us.
• 2:31
  Ellen: They're not always loyal to us.
• 2:34
  Ellen: And that's just my mother.
• 2:36
  Cheryl (2): And one of the things we're saying here is all this contradiction and it's up and down and up and down.
• 2:40
  Cheryl (2): And you don't know whether you're going to get the, oh mom, I just love you.
• 2:45
  Cheryl (2): You're just like my best friend.
• 2:47
  Cheryl (2): Or a different response and what Ellen's just mentioning, it actually has to do again with what's going on in the brain.
• 2:55
  Cheryl (2): And so we kind of understand little ones coming up, but what happens in the teen years that I think is really a kind of a causative root for so much of the challenge.
• 3:08
  Cheryl (2): Is, it has to do with the very front part of your brain and it's called the prefrontal cortex.
• 3:14
  Cheryl (2): And so the PFC, and this is the decision-making judgment thinking things through how to respond appropriately.
• 3:26
  Cheryl (2): I need to do this and not do this.
• 3:28
  Cheryl (2): All the things that we think of as a Y.
• 3:30
  Cheryl (2): Mature person that's, what's developing.
• 3:33
  Cheryl (2): And so what's really confusing I remember with my teens in one circumstance, they could be so mature and I would trust them wise decisions like being in charge of things.
• 3:46
  Cheryl (2): Particularly involved in different like food pantries or babysitting and, and even significantly above that.
• 3:56
  Cheryl (2): They talked with me, and we interacted on such a great level.
• 4:00
  Cheryl (2): And then they do something completely out of context and ridiculous, you know, with their siblings and get petty and all of that.
• 4:10
  Cheryl (2): And the maturity.
• 4:11
  Cheryl (2): Wasn't a smooth progress.
• 4:13
  Cheryl (2): If remember human may be a little bit young, but do you remember when cell phones first came out back in the day, you would choose your carrier because of their coverage.
• 4:25
  Cheryl (2): So for example, here in Oklahoma city, uh, whatever 18 team I'd have really good coverage, unless you went down a hill.
• 4:33
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 4:33
  Cheryl (2): My friends lived in the country and you would go down a hill and you'd lose it and drop the call or be fine in the city.
• 4:40
  Cheryl (2): But as you had, let's say south to Dallas.
• 4:43
  Cheryl (2): You'd be out in the countryside for maybe 30 minutes without any cell coverage.
• 4:48
  Cheryl (2): So it'll spotty and sometimes it would light up and sometimes it wouldn't.
• 4:52
  Cheryl (2): And actually that's what they say, this development of the prefrontal cortex it's supposed to be finished by 25, but that's what threw me off is such incredible maturity or wisdom or.
• 5:06
  Cheryl (2): Capacity as a person and them, and then they jump
• 5:10
  Deleisse: off a roof.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: It's a
• 5:15
  Christie: lot like toddlers, you know, you see the growth and maturity and toddlers, and then you leave the room and they're cutting, you know, the dog's hair with, you know, you thought you could turn your back one second with the safety scissors in their hand and know you, you should know better.
• 5:28
  Christie: It's just clumsy and not consistent,
• 5:31
  Cheryl: but you can't treat a teenager.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: So why you do a toddler, right?
• 5:36
  Cheryl: And there's the
• 5:37
  Deleisse: challenge.
• 5:37
  Deleisse: The goal is to release to
• 5:39
  Christie: adulthood.
• 5:40
  Ellen: Unfortunately we all know being an adult means a lot of mistakes.
• 5:44
  Ellen: Yes.
• 5:44
  Ellen: You know, as you mature, it may not be the same level as it was when you were younger, but we're all learning every day, changing every day and having different challenges.
• 5:55
  Ellen: So you know, how much more for our kids that are just entering and trying to leave the teen years, we're trying to give him as much preparation as we can, but it's still never going to be enough because some things they just have to do.
• 6:08
  Deleisse: Um, you mentioned availability.
• 6:10
  Deleisse: I think that, that goes so hand in hand with being authentic and being aware.
• 6:14
  Deleisse: Yeah.
• 6:16
  Deleisse: It's so important to be available in that.
• 6:19
  Deleisse: You know, for me personally looked like a lot of time, but that's not, that's not everyone's case.
• 6:24
  Deleisse: It doesn't always have to be time.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: We don't have to be
• 6:26
  Deleisse: present all the time, but when we are, we need to be fully present.
• 6:30
  Deleisse: You may be a working mom who is exhausted and who is not home very much and your child is with someone else.
• 6:35
  Deleisse: But when you're with your child, if you, if you take the time to know their hearts, Be available so that they know when they need you, they can come in and you're going to stay up and talk or you're going to not judge them.
• 6:48
  Deleisse: And you're going to sit and listen.
• 6:50
  Deleisse: And that, that availability you just, you start when they're young doing that.
• 6:56
  Deleisse: And then as they come into the teen years, you've, you've earned this voice in their life, in this place where they know it's a safe place to land and that you'll be there.
• 7:06
  Deleisse: So that availability is not just having a lot of time, which is nice.
• 7:11
  Deleisse: If you can.
• 7:12
  Deleisse: You can't always.
• 7:13
  Deleisse: So the, the availability is being fully present when you are able to have at the time.
• 7:18
  Cheryl: Well, that's tough because you just said, if you've developed a track record, that's wonderful, but not all of us develop the track record, you know, just in general, not all of us develop that trust.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Because regardless of your situation, everybody has full lives.
• 7:34
  Cheryl: How do we do it?
• 7:36
  Cheryl: What are ways that we can develop and grow with our teen years and what would it look like to be available by being very present with our kids?
• 7:49
  Christie: Well, you know, I mean, we're all trying to get it all in trying to, you know, we're all short on time in some capacity or another, and I've heard someone say.
• 7:57
  Christie: If you want them to talk about the big things you need to listen to the little things.
• 8:01
  Christie: And so I think when we're wanting to be fully present, you may not care about the Lego creation or, you know, the, the Minecraft game or whatever it is that your child's interested in.
• 8:12
  Christie: You might be having to hear them narrate a soccer game or, you know, things that you just aren't that excited about.
• 8:18
  Christie: But when they know, and you're building that trust, that mom cares about the things I'm saying.
• 8:24
  Christie: Then it opens that door for them to come and say, you know, this friend hasn't been treating me very well or whatever, heavier things that you want them to talk to you about.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: That's really good because although they don't want to admit it, insecurity is a huge part of being a teenager, What you just said that, oh my goodness.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: I actually may be safe enough if she'll listen to that, maybe I can actually venture a little bit to say, you know, I'm really scared because everybody else seems to have a best friend and I have to go by myself.
• 8:58
  Cheryl: Just like you said, there's so many issues to be talked about and just, yeah,
• 9:02
  Christie: and I contact doesn't take any more time, you know, to stop and look in their eyes and hear and validate.
• 9:08
  Christie: And, um, we can do that in the same five minutes.
• 9:12
  Christie: Driving to the dance studio is as if we just sat and turned on the radio
• 9:16
  Cheryl (2): Um, the friends, I know that developed good relationships with their sons during the teen years, the guys would come in when they're fixing dinner or something.
• 9:27
  Cheryl (2): And so you've got your back to them.
• 9:29
  Cheryl (2): You're busy and they just sit there at the counter or whatever.
• 9:32
  Cheryl (2): And talk, while you're not even looking at.
• 9:34
  Cheryl (2): But that wonderful thing of letting them process with you, whether it's a boy or girl and
• 9:40
  Christie: that back to awareness and being a student like Dudley said of your child and their personality and how they connect best.
• 9:47
  Deleisse: So I think, um, you know, sometimes it might be that what you were saying about coming in and sitting in the kitchen, it's not a commitment.
• 9:53
  Deleisse: You didn't got a coffee and you have to sit here and talk for 30 minutes.
• 9:58
  Deleisse: It's not a commitment.
• 9:58
  Deleisse: You're just there hanging out.
• 10:00
  Deleisse: And if you want to talk, you talk, if you don't, you don't.
• 10:02
  Deleisse: And so that, that probably is why they.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: We'll tend to do that.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: Like you were, it takes the pressure off them in the driver's
• 10:09
  Deleisse: seat
• 10:09
  Ellen: because sometimes I think they don't know what they want to talk about.
• 10:12
  Ellen: They just kind of want to be there and then it kind of unfold.
• 10:17
  Ellen: Is your chatting, then the thing that's really maybe bothering them, they might not even know that it's bothering.
• 10:22
  Ellen: They're able, they feel, okay, this is safe.
• 10:25
  Ellen: My mom's kind of busy, but she's really listening and yes, she's present.
• 10:30
  Ellen: And I always liked it when my kids would occasionally say to me, mom, you're not listening.
• 10:35
  Ellen: I go, I'm listening.
• 10:37
  Ellen: No, we can tell.
• 10:38
  Ellen: We can tell by your eyes.
• 10:41
  Ellen: Okay.
• 10:41
  Ellen: Yeah, you're right.
• 10:42
  Ellen: I'm not listening.
• 10:43
  Ellen: I'm daydreaming while you're doing, you know, and I had to say, I'm
• 10:46
  Christie: sorry.
• 10:47
  Christie: And I've heard this phase of parenting being, uh, called houseplant parenting because you just kind of sit around and wait until they're ready to talk, you know, in a lot of ways.
• 10:57
  Christie: And so you feel a little bit like a houseplant, sometimes waiting for them to open up, but when we're available, then when the time comes.
• 11:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:05
  Christie: We'll be ready.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: Christy that goes to, we have to have margin.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: So whether like, you know, three quarters of my teen parenting was done as a widow when we lost bill.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: So I know the pressure that there is and trust.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: Not just physical time, but the emotional bandwidth that you just don't have but in order to do what you're talking about to be a good houseplant, I've got to have the some margin and a half to save up some energy, because it does seem to be unlike little ones.
• 11:41
  Cheryl: They're chatty getting up in the morning and all this teens tend to.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Uh, switch and it's more later at night or it's the off times or the busiest
• 11:52
  Ellen: time, right in the middle of 5,000 things.
• 11:55
  Ellen: And that's when they have the important thing they want to ask you.
• 11:59
  Deleisse: We're aware of that ahead of time.
• 12:00
  Deleisse: If you, if you know, going in that you're going to need to need this extra time, then it's a lot easier to
• 12:07
  Cheryl: set it aside, particularly if you're an internal processor.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: But everybody you get tired.
• 12:12
  Cheryl: And one of the things in doing this, wanting to be available, wanting to be very present all of that as teens, they would come in and
• 12:23
  Cheryl (2): so I might be involved in something, whatever it was reading a recipe in the kitchen, and they come in, expect me on the.
• 12:32
  Cheryl (2): To be available to them right then.
• 12:35
  Cheryl (2): And so they just come in and start talking though.
• 12:37
  Cheryl (2): You never listen for me to be aware and in control of myself to respond to them instead of lecturing them and telling them, this is the way you show people, respect them.
• 12:51
  Cheryl (2): And I don't know why my mama I've done that wrong one, but the one I found that was much more effective is to say, I really want to hear what you are going to say.
• 13:01
  Cheryl (2): I was in the middle of something.
• 13:03
  Cheryl (2): You're so important right now.
• 13:05
  Cheryl (2): I can't give all of myself to you when I finished this, when I'm done that or after supper, whatever it is.
• 13:11
  Cheryl (2): Then I want you to tell me, so don't forget it.
• 13:13
  Cheryl (2): Remember what you wanted to say, and then I tried to intentionally get time back to do it.
• 13:19
  Cheryl (2): And it could be that we only have five minutes, but at least what you're saying to Lee's fully present in that five.
• 13:27
  Cheryl (2): And, you know,
• 13:27
  Ellen: sometimes kind of a little different way.
• 13:30
  Ellen: Um, some of them are my children that had more deeper thoughts and, and more and more sensitive.
• 13:36
  Ellen: I just have them write me a letter, which sounds kind of strange, but for what everyone said, why don't you just write it out to me and then I can read it.
• 13:45
  Ellen: And that was a really good, positive thing.
• 13:47
  Ellen: Sometimes the letters were kind of shocking because they really did pour out all their feelings.
• 13:53
  Ellen: Oh, I didn't know you felt that way.
• 13:55
  Ellen: And so it was a really good springboard for discussion and hopefully a little comforting.
• 14:01
  Ellen: And if, if your child has a disposition to write things out, that can be a really cause then it's not the.
• 14:08
  Ellen: The child has to gather up all their courage to try to express it, but they're willing to write it out and said, dah, dah, dah, dah.
• 14:14
  Ellen: I can
• 14:14
  Deleisse: see where that would feel safer to some kids, because they're not going to have to worry about your response right away.
• 14:19
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 14:20
  Ellen: And it gives you time.
• 14:21
  Ellen: Yeah,
• 14:21
  Christie: exactly.
• 14:22
  Christie: That'd be helpful for me to not have to worry about.
• 14:26
  Christie: Yes.
• 14:26
  Christie: Well, I've said
• 14:27
  Ellen: that difference before, if you can't express it in words, just write it or text it to me, what you're feeling, you know, they didn't want to share something, but they could share it in a text or, you know, and sometimes in marriages, sometimes that's worked, you know, we'll write out to your husband what you're feeling, because it's too much right now to just say all the words.
• 14:47
  Cheryl: And one of mine we realized during the teen years was an auditory.
• 14:52
  Cheryl: And an auditory processor, even though not a huge extrovert.
• 14:57
  Cheryl: And I just got kudos.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: I did not deserve by going ahead and cooking dinner and saying and not responding really except to be there and be listening and thanks, mom.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: That was great.
• 15:14
  Cheryl: And all I did was be very.
• 15:16
  Cheryl: And available and let them do it.
• 15:19
  Cheryl: And I didn't do it.
• 15:20
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 15:20
  Cheryl (2): We didn't know what we're doing.
• 15:23
  Cheryl (2): And so this was a learning curve for me Not just our kids, but the more we practice this kind of understanding and it's loving them well, just learning more how to and to make what's important to them important to me, because like you're saying that trivia about a soccer game or whatever it is, I'm still in this learning.
• 15:45
  Cheryl (2): right.
• 15:46
  Deleisse: We should all always be on that learning curve because they're changing and we're changing and the relationships require that we have to be intentional.
• 15:54
  Christie: But I think that buys us a lot of equity with them when they do know that we're listening and that we're willing to grow.
• 16:00
  Christie: And, and change and, um, learn new things.
• 16:04
  Christie: And then the
• 16:05
  Ellen: rewards are, you have fun times with your adult children?
• 16:09
  Ellen: I think all my adult children think of me as their mother friend, you know, and we do things together, both my sons and my daughters It's a really exciting thing.
• 16:19
  Ellen: If you can have good relationships with your adult children, but it doesn't always work or it takes time.
• 16:25
  Ellen: And even though I would say I made a million mistakes in the teen years and my teens would agree.
• 16:32
  Ellen: And as adults, they would agree and they've told me the mistakes I've made, but, um, I understood that and was able to apologize and say, I was sorry, because they were usually right.
• 16:44
  Ellen: Um, It's a work in progress and some, some moms out there, maybe you don't right now have great relationships with your older children.
• 16:54
  Ellen: Um, but nothing's impossible.
• 16:57
  Ellen: And as you continue to look towards their best interests, that can sometimes mend some fences.
• 17:03
  Ellen: And I
• 17:03
  Christie: think.
• 17:04
  Christie: Coming to terms with the fact that we may not always agree on everything and being okay with that and being humble before each other enough to say, you know, we don't come to the same place on, on whatever this issue is, but we want to fight for a relationship with one another.
• 17:20
  Christie: And I've
• 17:20
  Ellen: always told my kids, you know, um, if we're doing my adult children, I'd say if I, if I had that to do over again, this is how I would do it.
• 17:29
  Ellen: I just didn't know.
• 17:31
  Ellen: And, or didn't understand, and I think you're doing a good job and I'm glad you, you understand that.
• 17:36
  Ellen: Cause I, you know, that's why I did it that way.
• 17:38
  Deleisse: I think it's important to, for everyone to realize that, um, it's, you can start it today.
• 17:44
  Deleisse: If you have a horrible relationship, like we've talked about, you know, building this equity, you don't have to have equity, you can start it today.
• 17:51
  Deleisse: You can start showing that you're available in your authentic and you're aware of them and their feelings and the person that they are today.
• 17:58
  Deleisse: No matter how old they are and build that.
• 18:01
  Deleisse: And then have something
• 18:02
  Christie: beautiful and then you're giving them a chance to extend forgiveness and acceptance if someone Hmm.
• 18:08
  Cheryl: That's fantastic.
• 18:09
  Cheryl (2): Look, this is too good.
• 18:11
  Cheryl (2): We all come back and again, and let's talk some more about the 10 years to do that.
• 18:15
  Cheryl (2): All right.
• 18:16
  Cheryl (2): So remember moms, hang in there.
• 18:18
  Cheryl (2): Even during the teen years, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth.
• 18:24
  Ellen: Yes, it is