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234. If You Can't Answer "What Do You Want" · The Wholeness Network

0:01
Speaker 1: This is the Wholeness Network, a space for people who
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are done performing wellness and ready to actually feel it.
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I'm Michelle Wingel, and every episode, we're going deep into healing, identity,
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the spiritual stuff nobody talks about, and what it really
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means to come home to yourself.
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Speaker 2: So let's go.
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Speaker 3: All right, everyone, this is an interesting episode. that I
0:33
constructed in the car when this idea popped into my head.
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And I want to start with a scenario. So someone
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asks you what you want for dinner. We've all been there,
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done that. And you say, I don't care, whatever you want.
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And maybe that's true. Maybe you're easy. Maybe you're tired.
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Or it's just a Tuesday and it's food. but I
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want you to notice something with me. That is the smallest,
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it's really low stakes, want that a human being can have,
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what you want for dinner. Nothing is riding on it.
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Nobody is going to leave you over tacos. And still,
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we can't say it out loud sometimes. So what if
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that has nothing to do with dinner? What if the reason,
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what do you want, in quotes, is such a hard question,
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is that somewhere along the way, we learned that needs
1:39
are allowed and wants have to be earned. When I
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was pregnant, my husband let me know that we were
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going to dinner with his brother and wife, and we
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would probably get hires, which is my favorite hamburger joint
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still to this day, and they have built one half
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a mile from my house, so I'm in big trouble.
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But it's really, really good. And I think at the time,
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you know, I'm pregnant and I had a lot of cravings.
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So I was looking forward to this. But when we
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got to their house, the truth was more, let's decide
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where to go. And I didn't speak up. I didn't
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say anything.
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Speaker 2: Until we were on our way home.
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Speaker 3: And I was crying. And I remember saying, you don't understand.
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I don't feel good all the time. And food is
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the one thing that I have that brings happiness in
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my life. I was way overreacting. And that reaction was
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a clue. that I didn't really get for years to come.
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I didn't really understand it. I just thought I was
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just having that moment. I was just crying over a cheeseburger.
3:13
On that note, before we get to the juicy meat
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of today's topic, I want you to consider joining me
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each month for the Wholeness Healing Circle. It's really good stuff.
3:24
I'm really proud of what is happening each month. There's
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a link in the bio and you can come for
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free and then pay what you want and what feels
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right to you when it's done. I told the first
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circle that that's part of the experience is for you
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to really practice what you want and I want to
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be in that with you. But today I want to
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teach you something that really reorganized how I think about
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the chakras, the energy body, and really my own life.
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It's been a practice and a study to decode this
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for myself.
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Speaker 2: So here it is.
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Speaker 3: When you're thinking about the chakras, your needs live in
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your root chakra and your wants live in your throat chakra. Now,
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this is what showed up to me in the car
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and it made sense. So this episode is making sense
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of that.
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Speaker 2: Aha moment. So think about this. Your needs are non-negotiables.
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Speaker 3: The food and the sleep and the safety and the belonging,
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those live at the base of you. They are foundational.
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And that is what the first chakra is. They are
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vital to your physical thriving. Your wants, the longings, the preferences,
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the I would love to, whatever, whatever. What I actually
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want is those live in your throat, in the fifth chakra.
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And when you understand the chakra system, that is the
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foundation of your spiritual thriving, which I thought was fascinating
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as I decoded this episode. And a lot of times
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we are running one of those systems while starving the other.
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So let's go to that root first, because that's where
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everything really has to start. So the root chakra, and
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I'm not going to say this right, muladhara, muladhara is the,
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I think, Sanskrit word for the root chakra. It sits
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at the base of the spine. Now, I love the chakras.
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I use them all the time. I think everybody understands
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the chakras and life gets a little easier, but I'm
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not familiar with all the Sanskrit pronunciations, so bear with me.
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But that name translates to something like root support. Its element,
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each chakra has an element, is earth. Its body territory
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is that pelvic floor, the legs, the feet, the bones,
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the the immune system, the adrenals. Really, it's like everything
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that holds you up and keeps you here is part
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of that root chakra. At its core, the thing it's
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built to establish is, I have the right to be here.
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I have a right to have. That's the message of
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the root chakra. And what's interesting to me is that
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this message chakra is really the first chakra to come
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online in the first year of life before language, which
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means that your very first relationship with need was pre-verbal.
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You didn't have to ask. You cried and someone came
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or they didn't. And that's important. And we'll come back
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to that. So again, needs are non-negotiable. Food, water, sleep, shelter,
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physical safety, touch, belonging, money enough to not be in
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threat about money. And here's how you know something is
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a need.
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Speaker 2: The body does not ask for your permission. It escalates.
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Speaker 3: Think about when you're hungry. It does not go away.
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It escalates and becomes shaky. Fatigue becomes illness.
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Speaker 2: It escalates.
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Speaker 3: Loneliness becomes depression. A need that goes unmet doesn't quietly disappear.
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It gets louder in a language you cannot ignore. That
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makes sense, right? When we go chronically unmet, the nervous
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system moves into survival. And survival of that nervous system
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narrows things.
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Speaker 2: It's efficient.
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Speaker 3: It scans for threat and strips out everything else that
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isn't load-bearing. And this is really what I want you
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to hear because desire is the first thing survival usually deletes.
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You cannot hear a subtle longing while your body is
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scanning the room for exits. And you really can't feel
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a soft or gentle pull towards something. You can't dream
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and fantasize when your whole system is braced. And I
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think this is why so many people say, I don't
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even know what I want anymore. It's usually not that
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the wanting is gone. It's that the ground got so
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unstable that wanting became a luxury that the body, the
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nervous system really could not afford. In this root chakra,
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this physical thriving lives here. Energy, sleep, digestion, resilience, capacity.
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And if we meet the root chakra, it doesn't make
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life meaningful. It makes life possible. It really is the base.
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Speaker 2: It's the floor. It's not the whole structure. It's not
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the house.
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Speaker 3: So if you take a moment right now and focus
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on your tailbone, the bottom of your spine. and maybe
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you plant your feet on the ground. If you're driving,
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don't worry about this right now or in a place
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that this isn't possible. But when you do that, maybe
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just in your mind, focus on that part of your body.
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What happens when you focus there? And we're just here
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to notice. Bring awareness to your feet, to that tailbone,
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to your legs, and notice.
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Speaker 2: The throat.
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Speaker 3: Is where wants live. The throat chakra, now here we
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go again, visuda, visuda?
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Speaker 2: The shuda, the shuda.
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Speaker 3: Sits at the hollow of the throat, so right in
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that throat. And its territory in the body is the neck,
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the jaw, the ears, the voice, the thyroid. Its element
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is either space and sound moving through space, sound. So this, uh,
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core value of this area is I have a right
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to speak. I have a right to be heard. And
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here's the thing that really connects those. This is really interesting.
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A need can be expressed without language. An infant can cry.
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A need feels in your body. A need is communicated,
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you know, whether at the shaking or this getting sick.
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That's root chakra stuff. That's pre-verbal. A want cannot. A
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want requires you to form it into words. I want
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is a sentence that you have to build and you
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have to build it specifically because a vague want isn't
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really a want yet. I want to be happy is
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more like a wish. I want to stop working weekends.
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Speaker 2: Is a want.
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Speaker 3: And the more precisely you say what you want, the
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more of yourself you've shared. And that's a good thing.
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You create your place in the world as you speak.
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I want to repeat that one more time. You create
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your place in the world as you speak. And that's
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why it goes through the throat. The throat really is
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the gate between what's inside you and what's out loud.
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And everyone has to pass through that because no one
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else knows until you tell them. I recently put in
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the library, the wholeness library at thewholenessnetwork.com, a video of
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a healing session that I had with Alea that we
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talked about in last month's episodes. She offered to give
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me a session because she was grateful for the opportunity
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to spend that time together.
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Speaker 2: And it was a gift.
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Speaker 3: And we did most of the work on this throat
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chakra section of my body. It wasn't our intention, but
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it was really fascinating how that was part of so
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much of my life that I didn't know was running
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the show. So I really invite you to go and.
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Speaker 2: Check that out.
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Speaker 3: So the chakra system is cut into really two places
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with a bridge in the middle. The bottom three, which
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are the root, the sacral, and the solar plexus are
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all very human experiences, physical world type things. And then
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the upper chakras, the throat, the third eye, and the
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crown are considered spiritual aspects with the heart, as a
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bridge in between, which I think just by itself is
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a beautiful way of looking at it. And did you think, though,
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that your wants were spiritual? I really think that they are.
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The throat is really the root of those upper chakras.
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Without an open throat that speak your truth, including your wants,
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the foundation for your intuition, and the foundation for a
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connection to higher realms, it gets lost. You literally need
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a you, an individual you, to see and to know.
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Those are functions of the third eye chakra between your
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eyebrows and the crown that sits just above your head.
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And you can learn again all about those chakras and
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how to support them in the Wholeness Library. The chakra
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system is a little magical because they are tied to
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different experiences. And when you're having a difficult time, let's
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say feeling supported, feeling like you're stable, you start doing
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some root work chakra support and it changes things. It's
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really fascinating. I love the chakra system. So you can
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get the support and understanding there in the library. There's
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a whole channel about chakra support. So think about this.
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Every human needs sleep. Every human needs to belong. Your
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needs are what make you the same as everyone else,
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and they are the core of the species, the human species.
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It's beautiful, but it's not really personal. It's your wants
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that are yours. Nobody else wants exactly what you want
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in exactly the combination you want it. Your wants are
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the soul saying, this one, this direction, this life, and
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not that other one. Wants are how you individuate. Did
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you ever think about that? They are the compass of
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becoming who you are.
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Speaker 2: Being an individual.
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Speaker 3: If you really strip a person's wants away and, you know,
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you don't get a saintly person You get a person
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with no direction. It's kind of like the handshake that's
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just kind of mush. It doesn't really leave a great impression.
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It's just blah, meh, things like that. We are really
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heavily trained out of wanting, though. Wanting gets coded as
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greedy or selfish or materialistic or unspiritual. And especially, I think,
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for women... or for caretakers, and maybe where anyone who
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grew up in a system where being easygoing was how
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you stayed safe. Easygoing isn't caring for your wants. So
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we develop workarounds because we needed to stay safe. We
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needed to stay, and when I say stay safe, you know,
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touch people.
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Speaker 2: Belonging.
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Speaker 3: Those are root core needs. We need those. That's what
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I mean by staying safe.
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Speaker 2: Those are needs. They're biological needs.
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Speaker 3: So we develop those workarounds, like I say, so that
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we can get those needs met by giving up some
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of our wants. We disguise wants as needs to make
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them legitimate. When we do decide we want to speak them,
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we say, I need a break. We say, it's not
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a big deal. And one of the most sophisticated versions,
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one of the things I see in spiritual communities or
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metaphysical communities that really drives me crazy, not everyone that
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says it, but there's times it gets said and my
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body just has a little reaction. And it's, I've released
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my attachment to outcome. Now, This can be real liberation.
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I am not doubting that everyone that says it doesn't
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mean it. And sometimes it's really intentional.
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Speaker 2: I believe it.
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Speaker 3: But sometimes I think it's easy for people to use
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I've released my attachment outcome as a way of saying
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I'm afraid to want something I might not get. It
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becomes a bypass rather than than a true belief running
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in the system. Think about jaw tension, chronic throat clearing,
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pain in the neck that will not go away, over-explaining,
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which this actually happens when you don't trust that your
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wants are allowed. So you over-explain.
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Speaker 2: Resentment.
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Speaker 3: Those are residues of unspoken want. Every time, every single time.
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If you're resentful, go looking for what you want. and
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didn't say. That's simple but true. Now, interestingly enough, our
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instinct is to hierarchy this. We want needs first, wants later.
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Kind of like wants come after you've earned it, after
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you get your life together, and then you're allowed to
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want things. And that's really not what the chakra system
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is saying. That's not what this is. It's not a ladder.
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It's more like a circuit. So a depleted root closes
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the throat. When the body doesn't believe it's safe, asking
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for something is completely dangerous. Because to ask is to
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risk a no. And a no from someone you depend
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on especially when the ground is already shaky, your nervous
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system is going to read that as a threat to
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your literal survival.
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Speaker 2: So you don't ask.
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Speaker 3: You stay easy. You say whatever you want. And honestly,
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that's not weakness. That really is an intelligent system protecting you.
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But it also runs the other way too. And I
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don't think I had thought about this before now. Your
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needs get met through your throat. Almost none of your
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adult needs are met by anyone noticing. You're not a
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baby anymore. Nobody's monitoring your cries. If you need help,
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you have to say it. If you need rest, you
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have to ask for it. The mouth is how the
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root gets fed in adulthood. And more than that, unspoken
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wants matter. turn into resentments. And resentments corrode the exact
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relationships that hold your foundation up. So the throat isn't
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a luxury sitting on top of the root. The throat
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protects the root. And I want to just say that again.
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So many times we spend a lot of time feeling
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bad or guilty or frustrated ourselves when we're carrying resentment around.
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And I've said in the past, and I'll say it again,
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once the resentment shows up, that's a result of something else.
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Getting rid of that isn't the issue. Don't put your
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energy in getting rid of the resentment. Put your energy
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into preventing resentment. And using your voice is one of
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the most effective ways that we can prevent that.
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Speaker 1: Resentment.
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Speaker 3: So think about the root without the throat. It's like
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a house that's a foundation and no one's living in it.
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It's solid, it's stable, but it's empty. The throat without
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the root is a signal with no ground. And we
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all know what that looks like. We got big desires,
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big visions, big dreams, big manifesting. And it's happening on
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four hours of sleep and no savings. And that is
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not spiritual thriving. That's a tree putting out branches with
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no root system. And that first whirlwind is going to
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take it. So we need both. We need a ground
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and we need a signal. We need a foundation and
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we need a direction or a dream. And I'm going
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to complicate something for just a minute. Because I've wanted
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to talk about this for a while, and I thought
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maybe it fits here.
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Speaker 2: Because wants get spoken. That's true.
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Speaker 3: It's a simple instruction. And really, for some of us,
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that's easier said than done. It's easier in some relationships
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than it is in others. But we all can kind
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of feel that little twinge inside ourselves about declaring our wants.
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Speaker 2: I know you are.
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Speaker 1: I am.
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Speaker 3: And there's a reason for this, and it's not always
24:12
personal wounding. Some of it is what we would call
24:16
a family dialect. So there are really two communication cultures
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most of us were raised inside. And when I saw
24:26
a video about this, I went, aha. And I think
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that's been a couple years ago, so I wanted to
24:32
talk about.
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Speaker 2: It for a long time.
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Speaker 3: But I think it's fascinating. And it made sense to me.
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So here's what it is. We have an ask culture.
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So your dialect in your family is more of an
24:45
ask culture. And you grow up with the message, it
24:48
can't hurt to ask. You might get a no, and
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a no is fine. A request is just a request.
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And it's information, not pressure. So you say the thing directly,
25:00
and you trust the other person to handle their own
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answer to tell you what they want. You're saying what
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I want, you tell me what you want. Or another
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dialect is guess culture. So here you go up learning
25:15
to read the room. You put out feelers, you hint,
25:19
you circle, you mention, and you only ask directly when
25:25
you're sure it's already fair and the answer is already
25:30
going to be yes. Because in guess culture, the asking
25:34
is is the rude part. Asking directly corners someone and
25:39
it hands them the job of refusing you. So the
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story I heard in the video I watched, she talked
25:47
about a couple in New York and they had a
25:50
small apartment. And a woman they know, they didn't know
25:54
her so well, she emails and asks whether she could
25:56
stay with them for part of her trip. And she'll
25:59
be out all day, she says, and dates are flexible,
26:02
just let me know. And the husband was furious, not
26:07
about her staying, about her even asking. He calls it presumptuous.
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He says he would never do that. And at most,
26:18
maybe he would mention he's going to be in town
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and see if any offer comes in. So he took
26:25
it to the internet and the answers really split almost
26:28
perfectly in half into these two categories. So one half said,
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just say no. She asked a question, answer it. No
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is a complete sentence. You don't owe her a reason.
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The other half says, don't say no. That's brutal. Tell
26:43
her you'll be out of town. Say the apartment isn't
26:46
set up for guests. Let the email quietly go unanswered.
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And these are really two ways of speaking. And that's
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why I love this video that I watched because It's
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something that happens under the surface. So let's bring it
27:03
up that there are askers and there are, I don't
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even know the other one because I think I'm more
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of an asker.
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Speaker 2: The guessers, that's it. But to an asker, an ask
27:17
is free. It costs nothing.
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Speaker 3: Again, worst case scenario, you get a no and you
27:22
go on with your day. They don't hold their identity
27:26
or or self-esteem to the no or yes. To a guesser,
27:32
being asked or asking is more expensive. So here's where
27:37
that meets what we've been talking about. So think about it.
27:41
Guessing is fundamentally about safety. It protects the relationship. It
27:48
avoids a rupture. It keeps belonging intact. And belonging is
27:55
a root need. if your foundation was ever shaky, guessing
28:00
is brilliant. You learned how to get your needs met
28:03
without ever risking the connection that was meeting them. And
28:07
that's not dysfunction. That's really good engineering, honestly. But the
28:12
throat's job is being specific. And guessing really is unspecific.
28:20
And maybe a want gets close, it It circles around it.
28:29
It stands near it, but it never actually arrives. And
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underneath every hint, there's a second want that never gets
28:41
said or even looked at. And it's, I want you
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to guess. I want you to notice without having me.
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Speaker 2: To be exposed.
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Speaker 3: I want to receive it without having to ask for it.
28:56
Because if I have to ask for it and got it,
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some part of me won't count it. And when they
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don't guess because they're an asker and they're standing there
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genuinely wanting and waiting for you to ask, the guesser
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doesn't read it as a missed signal. The guesser reads
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it as you saw me and you didn't choose me.
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And that's abandonment.
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Speaker 2: That's root abandonment.
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Speaker 3: That's how two people who love each other end up
29:25
in resentment while both of them are certain they were.
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Speaker 2: Doing it right.
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Speaker 3: And here's the thing, though. It's not like directness is
29:38
a healed version and better. because it isn't. A direct
29:43
ask delivered to a guesser can flood them. It reads
29:48
as demand. And the demand to someone whose safety has
29:52
always depended on being agreeable produces a yes that they
29:56
didn't mean, which is the throat-closing. not the throat opening.
30:03
So think about this. A boss who asks, can you
30:06
take this on? Thinks he's offering a choice. The employee
30:10
who's a guesser hears an expectation with her standing in
30:15
the company attached to it. He walks away with certainty
30:20
and he thinks the exchange was clean when it isn't.
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Speaker 2: It wasn't.
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Speaker 3: And I want to say, Because I think that a
30:30
lot of us are guessers. That guessing really is a skill.
30:34
It's an attunement. It's reading the field. It's sensing what
30:38
somebody needs before they have words for it. And that's
30:41
a gift. That's not really a deficit. So for many
30:45
of you, it's the thing that makes you good at
30:47
what you do. The problem was never the sensitivity. The
30:53
problem is when it's the only setting that you have.
30:57
And then that setting starts running it and running your
31:00
own life. And this, it's not a personality type. It's
31:06
really a spectrum, you know, and it depends on who
31:09
you're with. A lot of times, most of us can
31:12
ask pretty directly with our closest people, with our children.
31:18
And then it gets really kind of guessy with the
31:21
middle zone and coworkers and bosses, dates, acquaintances, wherever. it
31:26
gets most triggered is in the relationships where we're least
31:33
sure of our footing, when things are a little unstable,
31:39
which tells us something. We guess where the ground feels
31:44
least stable, which is root. That's root chakra energy. I
31:50
remember asking my dad for things growing up, whether it
31:53
was school lunch food or a new pair of shoes, whatever.
31:59
Speaker 2: Like I say, I'm more of an asker.
32:02
Speaker 3: And I really did have that idea where, I mean,
32:05
I didn't want him to just say, no, how dare
32:08
you ask? But I, you know, was prepared for a no.
32:14
I would have preferred maybe someday or let's think about that.
32:20
That's what I would have loved. But I was still
32:23
willing to ask for what I wanted. But he would laugh.
32:28
And he would say, wow, you are quite the opportunist.
32:33
He would say that to me all the time. He'd
32:35
be laughing and in awe. I never really knew what
32:40
he meant by that because I was just standing there
32:43
with my hand out like, and? But I'm pretty sure
32:48
he probably thought more like a guesser. And so my
32:54
ask is, was odd to him. And I think he
32:59
laughed because here I was, this cute little girl asking
33:03
straight out, and it was just.
33:05
Speaker 2: Kind of funny.
33:06
Speaker 3: But at the same time, he said that, you're quite
33:10
the opportunist. You're quite the little opportunist. I can just
33:13
hear it in my mind right now. Okay, two things
33:16
when it comes to the guessers and the askers. One,
33:23
name your default out loud to the people close to you.
33:26
Speaker 2: I'm a hinter.
33:28
Speaker 3: If I'm circling something, just ask me straight out. Or
33:31
I ask directly. If I ask you something, it's no
33:35
cost to me. So please use it. One sentence, it
33:39
can prevent years of misreading. And what's funny is that
33:43
as much as I was an asker to my dad,
33:48
I have a daughter who's very much an asker. And
33:52
I felt the discomfort of, you're just going to ask
33:55
me right out for that. You're going to make me
33:58
actually just full on say no. But we had to
34:02
have this conversation. And I said to her, you know,
34:08
asking her about this idea. And she was like, oh, yeah,
34:11
you just ask. And there's been time and time again
34:14
when there's a group text with my husband that either
34:17
she has to say, remember, I'm just asking. Or I
34:21
have to say to him, remember, she's just asking. We
34:25
can say no. And she's said that multiple times. And
34:31
I get what she's saying because I want the right
34:33
to ask.
34:34
Speaker 2: That's how I feel. I want to be able to ask.
34:37
I don't want to.
34:38
Speaker 3: Sit there and feel shame about wanting something. So it
34:44
shows up differently in different relationships. The second thing is
34:49
to notice yourself. when you're choosing. So am I hinting
34:53
because it's genuinely kinder here? Sometimes it is, right? Or
34:57
because I don't want to be exposed or I'm feeling unstable.
35:03
Or am I being direct because it's clear or because
35:07
I don't want to do the work of noticing? The
35:10
goal isn't to convert anybody. It's to become bilingual, assertive
35:16
and gentle instead of rigid and avoidant. And I would
35:21
say I had to learn that the hard way. I
35:24
was probably more of a direct person and I hurt
35:26
people's feelings. And it's still kind of tricky for me
35:31
because there are times when directness is important and that
35:35
is my default, but I'm a little sensitive to hurting
35:40
someone else or causing a problem, you know, a ruffle.
35:46
So it's a constant question inside ourselves. All right, I
35:52
kind of want to do something a little practical because
35:54
a lot of us can't genuinely tell which is which anymore.
36:00
So it's always to the body. The body doesn't lie.
36:03
A need can feel like pressure, urgency, a closing in,
36:11
and it gets louder the longer you ignore it. We
36:13
talked about that. And when it goes unmet, you get depletion.
36:20
You get symptoms. You get breakdown. You get a short fuse.
36:24
You get sickness. A want feels like a pull, a
36:30
lean toward something, a widening, maybe a lift. And it
36:36
gets quieter the longer you ignore it. And when it
36:41
goes unmet, you don't get symptoms. You get flatness, I think,
36:47
at best. So nothing's really wrong. but nothing's alive. And
36:53
that's a tell. Depletion is a root signal. Flatness is
36:59
a throat signal. If you're exhausted, look at your needs.
37:03
If you're bored, look at your wants. So there's two
37:08
traps though. Trap one is promoting a want into a
37:13
need so it's allowed. Like I need a vacation. You
37:18
probably don't need it. You want it. So say you
37:22
want it and then take it just as seriously. A
37:26
want doesn't require an emergency to be valid. Let's sit
37:32
with that for a minute. What if you spoke things differently?
37:36
That you wanted things rather than needed things. The second
37:41
trap is the opposite. We demote a need into a
37:46
want so that we can dismiss it. I just want
37:51
a little rest.
37:52
Speaker 2: No, you need rest.
37:54
Speaker 3: Calling it a want gives you permission to skip it. Okay,
38:08
some homework for you. Ask yourself two questions every day.
38:13
Not one, but both. And see how your life changes
38:17
in three weeks' time. Ask, what do I need right now?
38:22
And then handle it. Needs get scheduled. They are on
38:27
the list. Then ask yourself, what do I want right now?
38:33
And then say it out loud to someone. Wants get spoken.
38:38
I felt like that was really beautiful when I was
38:43
putting this together. Wants get spoken. Needs get scheduled.
38:48
Speaker 2: That's the assignment.
38:51
Speaker 3: And I know that some of you, that could feel hard,
38:56
but I promise you, it gets easier. And it only
38:59
gets easier with practice. There's really no magic wands for
39:04
this one. The first few times, difficult, and then it
39:08
becomes a little easier. Okay, I want to widen this
39:14
out before we do a little practice because there's something
39:17
underneath both these chakras that I don't want to miss.
39:22
And I had this all written out and planned and
39:26
highlighted when I thought of this third piece that I
39:32
think is important to label. So needs and wants actually
39:37
have one thing in common. Both of them are about
39:41
what's missing, right? It's bringing something to us. It's a gap, right?
39:47
A need is the distance between where your body is
39:52
and where it runs out. So hunger is a gap
39:55
between now and empty stomach. And it only exists because
39:59
we're moving through time and space. We are having a
40:04
human experience. A want is the distance between here and there,
40:10
between the life you're in and the one you want,
40:14
the car you want to drive. the meal you want
40:17
to eat, you need to eat, and what do you
40:22
want to eat. And that is being somewhere else from
40:27
where you are right now. There's time and space required,
40:33
if that makes sense. So what happens when we take
40:37
time and space out of the equation? Because once we
40:41
pass on, that's exactly what happens. There is no need
40:46
because nothing's depleted. There's no, all space and time is gone.
40:53
I know this is confusing, but being in a space
40:56
where we feel like everything's okay in the world, where
41:00
our needs and our wants are probably taken care of enough, honestly,
41:07
to the point that we are in full gratitude, we're
41:10
in that full Zen space. I feel like that's when
41:15
we touch outside of time. And I think that's available
41:20
to us. And I think that's what some people that say,
41:24
I have no attachment to the outcome are, you know,
41:27
speaking at. And it's a beautiful place to live.
41:32
Speaker 2: It really is.
41:34
Speaker 3: To be in this space of no wanting or no needing,
41:38
being completely fulfilled. And I would say feeling whole, really
41:44
embodying wholeness for a few minutes.
41:48
Speaker 2: There's no gap.
41:49
Speaker 3: There's nothing missing. There's nothing coming. It's just being. And
41:57
when we slow down, we can touch that space. And
42:04
it doesn't mean that we're putting aside our wants and
42:07
our needs. And I just want to point that out
42:11
because that's someplace we want to be at as well
42:15
in this world. But again, I don't know if we
42:17
can get there when our needs and wants are being
42:21
completely sidelined, especially our needs. If you're hungry or sleepy,
42:27
then that's taking over. And, you know, so think about that.
42:33
I think all of you have been there when you
42:37
lost time a little bit, you transcend, you know, maybe
42:42
I know holding a sweet baby that's fallen asleep on you,
42:46
I think that touches it. Or there's a time sitting
42:51
next to the ocean when your wants and needs just
42:56
move to the background and you're just in that oneness.
43:01
Maybe it's a piece of music, but you know what
43:05
I'm talking about. And I just wanted to touch on
43:07
that because I think it's important to know that that
43:11
is is a valid and important part of this conversation too.
43:18
That having this time and a space where needs and
43:21
wants go away is available, but it's okay to have
43:28
needs and wants. Our human experience is beautiful too. So
43:32
if you connect with that piece, whether it was the music,
43:37
the ocean, the baby, I think you can touch that
43:40
for a minute. Let's go there for just a little bit.
43:47
Let's be in that space. And while you're there, I
43:54
think you can tell that feeling of not wanting anything.
43:59
And it wasn't because everything you wanted had finally been
44:03
handed to you. It was that there's no space.
44:09
Speaker 2: There's no gap.
44:11
Speaker 3: In those moments that you long for or want or need.
44:19
And that feeling isn't just the metaphor for timeless.
44:23
Speaker 2: That is it.
44:25
Speaker 3: You have been outside of time. And in those moments
44:28
where you're in that feeling, a lot of times we
44:31
just come back and we file it into a nice
44:34
afternoon or wasn't that cute. But it's really touching beyond
44:41
this world beyond our humanness. So here's where we have
44:46
to be really careful, though, because again, this is this
44:51
place where spiritual teaching sometimes goes sideways. So we don't
44:56
want to say needs and wants aren't real, so the
45:00
goal is to stop wanting. That's not what this means.
45:04
Your soul doesn't need anything. It really never did. And
45:08
we can touch that in moments. It isn't hungry. It
45:11
isn't tired.
45:12
Speaker 2: It isn't lonely. It's never once been afraid. Can you
45:18
think about that? It's never once been afraid.
45:22
Speaker 3: And maybe, maybe that's exactly why it came here, is
45:26
to feel what that feels like, to want something, to
45:31
be afraid, to anticipate.
45:34
Speaker 2: To be hungry, to be tired.
45:39
Speaker 3: That kind of the feeling of when we want to
45:41
kind of go back to high school with all that
45:42
we know now. I think that's how it shows up.
45:46
We want to come and have these parameters because there's
45:51
so much that can happen. All the excitement happens here
45:55
with our needs and our wants as the puppet strings
45:59
in a way. Outside of time and space, there is
46:04
no longing. There is no distance. You can't really know
46:08
what reaching for something feels like. You can't make a
46:11
goal because a goal requires time. I want to get
46:16
from here to there. That is within time and space.
46:22
So again, your needs and wants aren't really evidence that
46:26
you're not spiritual or that you're unfinished.
46:30
Speaker 2: They're the tools.
46:32
Speaker 3: That this life is all about. Hunger, you know, it's
46:36
not a fall from grace. It's what love feels like
46:40
when it has a stomach. And desire, that pull, the lean,
46:47
the I want that one, we don't want to transcend that.
46:52
That's the thing you came for. That's the experience you want.
46:57
That's the excitement of this plane.
47:00
Speaker 2: It's both and.
47:03
Speaker 3: And that's kind of what I wanted to bring in
47:05
and talk about. It's not one or both. And it's
47:09
not just needs and it's not just wants. It's needs
47:12
and wants and outside of needs and wants. We really
47:16
are built for those two environments. And I hope you
47:20
do take time to drop into that timelessness, whether it's
47:23
in meditation or prayer, in a healing session, maybe again outside,
47:29
and then you come back. And your body will say,
47:33
feed me. And your heart will say, I want more
47:35
of that. And neither one of those is a failure.
47:39
And I would say traditions that encourage you to eliminate wants,
47:45
let alone needs, some even needs, are asking us to
47:51
be something that we just are not made to be.
47:56
When we eliminate either of those, we're living a half-life.
48:00
We want to be in wholeness, having our wants and
48:06
needs and moments outside of those to exist at the
48:11
same time. I remember one time I was on the
48:16
back of a motorcycle, my husband's motorcycle, and if you've
48:21
ever been on the back of a motorcycle or driving
48:23
a motorcycle, I've never done that, but it's really interesting
48:27
how the world shows up in 3D. The temperature changes,
48:33
the smells change, and you're in it. And one time
48:37
I was on the back of the bike and I
48:38
was looking out and I think we were up in
48:41
the mountains. And I just fixated on one of the
48:45
trees and I felt like I heard, look at me.
48:49
And then it was interesting because the tree next to
48:52
it said, look at me. And I just started to
48:55
feel all these trees say, look at me, look at me.
48:57
Speaker 2: And they were so proud, completely. proud of who they were.
49:03
Speaker 3: And it didn't matter if the tree next to them
49:05
was bigger, if they had branches that had dead leaves,
49:09
they were completely whole within themselves. And then my attention
49:15
moved down to the side of the road and I
49:17
saw little bits of grass that had grown up between
49:20
the cracks of the asphalt. And it was as if
49:24
every blade of grass were saying, look at me, look
49:29
at me. And they were not in competition with anything
49:35
or anyone.
49:36
Speaker 2: It was a timeless moment.
49:39
Speaker 3: That I look back to all the time because they
49:44
didn't need anything. They didn't want for anything. And I
49:48
could feel that. And it was a beautiful moment.
49:53
Speaker 2: And then you know what?
49:54
Speaker 3: In the next minute, I was thinking about where are
49:57
we going to stop for lunch? So it's both. It's
50:01
not just the transcendence that's important. It's the return to
50:05
this human experience that we're having. So let's experience a
50:11
little bit of both. This practice has two halves, one
50:15
for the root and one for the throat. And the
50:19
second one only works because we have the first, even
50:22
though it's not hierarchical. But find a seat, put both
50:26
feet on the floor if you can. If you're driving,
50:29
keep your eyes open and just listen. And come back
50:33
to this later if you choose, if you want to.
50:37
So let your weight drop.
50:38
Speaker 2: Feel good.
50:39
Speaker 3: Where your body meets the chair or the floor, the ground,
50:43
notice that it's holding you and it doesn't require anything
50:47
from you. And then breathe and not up into your chest,
50:55
breathe down into your pelvis, deep down into that base
50:58
of who you are, your body. And then let the
51:02
exhale be a little longer than the inhale. For just
51:17
a few minutes, I want you to notice, maybe take
51:19
a little inventory of what's here. And I want you
51:23
to name three things that are met in this exact moment.
51:28
The first one could be your breathing. There's air in
51:32
your body and your body knows what to do with it.
51:36
Maybe you're warm enough or full enough. Whatever those are,
51:40
what is being met in this moment? And this isn't
51:45
a gratitude practice. isn't positive thinking. We want evidence this time.
51:51
Your nervous system really needs real grounded evidence. And that's
51:56
what we want to do. We want to hand it some.
51:59
So just stay here for a few minutes, breathing down deep,
52:03
deep into that root chakra. Maybe you imagine air flowing
52:08
in and out of the Now bring one hand low
52:18
or the base of your spine, whatever you can reach,
52:21
and the other one to your throat and make the
52:24
one on your throat light, just kind of barely resting there.
52:29
And feel both the base and the gate. And imagine
52:36
one line moving between those two points, your throat and
52:42
your root. Then take a deep breath in and on
52:48
the way out, hum.
52:51
Speaker 2: Any pitch. Low is usually better. But let it buzz
52:55
in your throat.
53:02
Speaker 3: One more. And just notice the jaw. Let it be loose.
53:06
Let your teeth be apart. Let your tongue be soft. Ah.
53:17
Speaker 2: Do it as long as you need to. I don't
53:20
want to make you listen to my hum.
53:25
Speaker 3: But humming is sound moving through that channel so that
53:29
that channel remembers that it's open. Let the air express
53:35
out in sound. And now with your feet still on
53:40
the And take the first small honest thing that surfaces.
53:51
Don't go looking for your life purpose. Let the answer arrive.
53:56
And when it does, say it out loud. Right now,
54:01
in the car, in your kitchen. And use this form.
54:05
Speaker 2: I want blank. Now say it again.
54:12
Speaker 3: And this time, don't add blanks. because or make sure
54:16
no justification pops in. Just the want.
54:20
Speaker 2: Naked. There all by itself.
54:23
Speaker 3: I want. And as you say it, notice what happens
54:29
in your body when you do that. For a lot
54:33
of us, we might not have said the justification, but
54:37
we had a flinch. Maybe there was a little grip
54:40
in the throat or the belly or like something's about
54:45
to come and take it back. And that flinch is
54:49
a teacher. That's the exact place where the root doesn't
54:54
feel safe enough for the throat to speak. But nothing came.
55:01
You said what you wanted, and the ground is still
55:03
under you. So that's good evidence. Take one more breath
55:09
down deep into that base. And then we'll come back.
55:17
I want to leave you with a few questions to
55:18
ask yourselves. What's a need you've been calling a want
55:23
so you could keep skipping it? And what's a want
55:27
you've been dressing up as a need so it would
55:29
be allowed? Think about are you an asker or a guesser?
55:36
And what would change if you told the people closest
55:38
to you which one you are? Ask yourself, when was
55:44
the last time you lost track of time? And what
55:46
did your body ask for the moment you came back?
55:50
That's information. Who is one person you could say a
55:55
real want to out loud this week? One you'd normally soften, shrink,
55:59
or attach a because to? As we finish, I want
56:05
you to know your needs are not a burden and
56:08
your wants are not a character flaw. They're two different
56:12
kinds of information from two different places in you. The
56:16
root tells you what your body requires to stay here.
56:20
The throat tells you what your soul came for. One
56:24
keeps you alive and the other makes it your life.
56:28
And neither of them is the part of you that's unfinished.
56:35
You are already whole. The part of you that lives
56:39
outside of time and space is not missing anything. And
56:44
that part chose this. It chose a body that gets
56:48
hungry and a voice that has to risk something to
56:52
be heard. That's what brings your soul joy. So don't
56:58
spend this life trying to want less. Spend it learning
57:02
to say what you want out loud with your feet
57:06
firmly planted on the ground. Remember, needs get scheduled, wants
57:12
get spoken. Before you go, if this episode resonated with
57:18
you and you're craving a place to go deeper, I
57:21
want to invite you into the Wholeness Library. It is
57:24
our membership community where we do this work together. Resources, support,
57:29
and a space where we don't have to figure things
57:31
out alone. You can find a link in the show notes,
57:34
and I'd love to see you there.