Latest / Afzal's Reset Entropy Podcast / Why You Keep Asking for Permission to Decide

Transcript

Why You Keep Asking for Permission to Decide · Afzal's Reset Entropy Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's podcast is going to hit at a different core level.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: You made a decision.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a message you need to send.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a conversation you have to do.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's something you want to start building.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: You thought about it.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know why it matters.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: You may even know exactly what your first step is.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then you ask someone else what they think.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: They ask or they tell you it sounds good.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: You feel better.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: But a little later you ask another person or you rewrite the message.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or you search for one more example of how someone else handled it.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: The decision is still there.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't moved.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about that moment today.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because asking for another opinion can look like being very careful.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a good thing to ask for opinion.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes it's not about being careful.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you are no longer looking for information, you are looking for permission.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know that moment personally.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: For years I struggled to speak up even when I knew what I wanted to say.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I could think about the words, the timing, how the other person might respond, all that thing playing in my head.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I told myself I would act when I felt completely ready.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Very often I stayed quiet.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Afterwards, I would regret it and I would ask myself a question.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: That was much more harder than what should I have said.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why couldn't I back my own decision?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know what happened slowly.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: This started creating doubt in my own head because I was not believing or trusting my own words.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now let me be careful or you can say clear about something.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Other people's perspective matters.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: There are decisions where you need expertise for sure.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: There are times when someone close to you can see a consequence, you must because they can see from a third person view.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: There are moments when talking something through help or taking help from someone, you hear your own thinking, you start analyzing, oh, I must have messed up on this.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I still do that.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I take opinions as in when necessary.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: The difference is in what you're asking the other person to do.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Are you asking, is there something I haven't considered?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you asking, can you make it safe for me to choose?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, you don't directly say, Can you make it safe for me to choose?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: But because no one can promise you that a conversation will go perfectly, how much ever you'll rehearse, some it will be a natural show of conversation.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: No one can promise that a project will succeed, no one can promise that everyone will understand why you made a particular choice.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when certainty is the thing you are trying to get from them, the relief often lasts only a short while.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: You ask, they reassure you, you feel ready for a moment, then a new doubt appears and you need reassurance again because it has become a habit and a pattern in itself.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the last decision you took to several people you asked, What did you actually learn from each conversation?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Did someone give you a useful fact or a perspective you hadn't seen, or did you hear several versions of yeses, you can do it and still find yourself waiting.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then no need to judge yourself to answer, just notice the difference.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: It tells you what kind of help you are looking for, and that will tell you the truth on its own.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: When I look back at times, I had back from speaking, you know, the problem wasn't always that I lacked words, sometimes I had the words.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: What I struggled with was the possibility of what would happen after I said them.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Would I be misunderstood?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Would I be judged?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Would I be disagreed upon?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Would I wish I explained it differently?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: That fear of thinking just kept me locked in that position.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I kept working on the part I could control.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I worked on the sentences, I waited for a better moment, I tried to feel more certain.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: The preparation could be useful for a while, but eventually it becomes a place to stay.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Every time there'll be something new that you would want to integrate or make it better, and that itself turns into perfection.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm waiting for that perfection.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I want this to be perfect.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I could keep preparing without finding out what would happen if I actually spoke, and that is the crucial part.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is a difficult thing to admit when you see yourself as capable.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can handle responsibilities in other parts of your life.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: People may come to you for decision, yet one particular conversation, message, or personal choice can leave you unable to move.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't make you incapable, it is a reason to look more closely at what that choice means to you.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: For one person, disagreement may feel especially hard.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: For another, the fear may be disappointing someone, for else, maybe afraid of owning the outcome if the decision goes badly.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Many times our external scenario have trained us against the idea of failure in totality.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: There is just a big fear of failure through what you have learned in the education system, and there is very less different viewpoint of taking things as feedback and improving upon it, and that fear always creeps in now and then.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Call it whichever sector of your life, from work, relationship, family dynamics to your age to your life, anything.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you which one applies to you from here.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's why the specific moment matters more than a general label.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Examine to be honest.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Choose a recent moment where you had nearly decided and then went looking for one more opinion.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't start with your whole life, choose one moment, the recent one, whichever section, like I mentioned, work, relationship, family dynamics, anything, income, anything.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: What was the decision?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: What happened just before you pulled away from it?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: What did you imagine might happen if you went ahead?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: What did you do next?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you sent the draft to a friend, maybe you open another tab, maybe you told yourself I'll do it tomorrow.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you started scrolling, maybe you started going on YouTube thing overthinking about it.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then ask what did that next action give me.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps it gave you information, perhaps it gave you a little relief, a little relaxation, perhaps it let you delay a feeling you didn't want to face yet.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you started playing a game and it kind of started giving you relief in other manner.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I mean when I talk about an invisible pattern, not some mysterious force controlling your life.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean a familiar response that becomes easier to see when you slow the sequence down, and that slowing of sequence down and getting the gap is where the change lies generally.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Something happens, you give it a meaning, a feeling comes up, you respond in a way that has become familiar for a moment.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: That response may help, then you find yourself back in a similar situation, maybe in other region of your life, but similar situation, facing the same difficulty again.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: The development of procrastination, overthinking, and a lot of clarity missing, decisive issue, a lot of things, some way or the other, comes from here, you can say.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: If seeking reassurance has become your response, it makes sense that you keep reaching for it.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: It may have helped you through uncertain moments before.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: The question is whether it is helping you make this decision now or have you gotten used to that part.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: The next time you want to ask someone what they think, pause before contacting them.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Write down three short answers.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: First, what do I already know?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Write the facts you have, write what matters to you, write the choice you are learning towards, even if you are reluctant to admit.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Second, what am I genuinely missing?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Be specific.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you need to know the cost, ask about the cost.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you need legal or professional advice, get the right advice.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: If another person will be affected, talk with them.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Third, what am I hoping their answer will make me feel?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to feel less alone, maybe you want to feel sure, maybe you want to know you won't be blamed.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can still speak to someone after doing this.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: The exercise isn't a rule against asking for help, it helps you make a clearer request.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: One, and second, it also lays down a lot of things in front of you that you yourself can start slowly and steadily believing your own decision and choose consciously from the laid-out display of things.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: You might say, I'm leaning towards this.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Can you help me see what I am missing?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: That invites perspective because now you have clarified what exactly you're asking for, or you might realize I know enough to take the next or small step.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking because I want someone else to carry the uncertainty for me.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you one more thing here, which is very important.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: The initial part which I told the mixed confused manner is something what we tell AI nowadays.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: We just blindly tell everything, and that AI does cross-question with you sometimes or directly gives a pointed out version to you.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now that is one of the skills I have noticed people are losing to curate or articulate what is that they are looking for, they just tell everything to the AI and AI helps them figure out.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, AI sometimes can be wrong, and that is where we also get deviated because we have stopped that thinking process altogether.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let me come back to that.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: If that's what you notice, start with a decision small enough to practice on first.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Send the straightforward message, choose the first step at the project, state a preference where the stakes are low, whatever is there, choose that, then stay with the choice long enough to learn from it.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a perfect result for the experiment to matter.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: What you are practicing is making a considered choice and remaining present afterward.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you might feel that it might be taking a lot of your time, a lot of thinking, but I can tell you this is something that will give you stillness and will free you from a lot of things.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, some decisions genuinely need a conversation.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship cannot be run by one person deciding everything alone, but there is still a difference between inviting someone into a conversation and waiting for them to tell you what you are allowed to need.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: For example, before a difficult conversation, you can decide what is true for you.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: This has been bothering me.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I want us to discuss this.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't yet know what the solution is.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to predict their entire response before saying those things, just a simple thing, and that overcomplicated thinking of what will happen, how will they respond, is what actually takes away your time, your energy, and drains you mentally.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just see the difference now.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: So for those who think that you know it's a time-consuming process, initially, yes, I would agree because it slows the thing down, but as you progress, when this becomes your automated response, everything will start happening smoothly for you.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: The energy you will be conserving here can be utilized a lot more nicely at somewhere else, what you're actually trying to build.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, this is where self-trust becomes practical.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't the belief that I will always choose correctly or express myself perfectly, it is the willingness to be honest about what I know, listen to what I don't know, and take responsibility for my part of the choice.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because only after admitting if there is a chance or there is a place where you get a thing to learn, only then you will learn.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: But the first part is admitting, isn't it?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that can feel uncomfortable, especially if you have spent years looking outside yourself for the signal to begin.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: So go gently but be honest.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Notice when another person's opinion is giving you new understanding.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Notice when you are asking them to settle a feeling that may return as soon as the conversation ends.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: If something in this episode felt familiar, I want you to leave with one question.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I looking for permission when what I really need is to make a choice?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Take one situation, write down what you know, what you are missing, and what you hope reassurance will give you.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then choose a manageable next step.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't overcomplicate anything, just a small manageable next step.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: That is one way to begin seeing the pattern in real life.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: In the Invisible Pattern Masterclass, we go further into how familiar responses form, how to recognize them while they are happening, and how to practice a different response.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can find the next step in the link below.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Break the loop, reset your reality.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you on Thursday.