Latest / Motherhood Uncut / “What the F is self care?” | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 1 Episode 7

Transcript

“What the F is self care?” | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 1 Episode 7 · Motherhood Uncut

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Motherhood Uncut Podcast.
0:02
SPEAKER_00: We are so glad you're here.
0:04
SPEAKER_00: Each week, Deb Rubin, and I'm willing to bring to you all kinds of uncut stories from motherhood.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Moms of teens, our symbols.
0:12
SPEAKER_00: We're going to bring to you stories of our heartbreak, our wins, our challenges, our confusion, our motherhood.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: We're also going to be bringing to you tons of research and data and clinical expertise.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: So pull up a chair.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: Join us.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: Nobody should ever mother alone.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: We've got you.
0:51
SPEAKER_00: Also, Deb Rubin at the Mother Daughter Journey has some amazing, amazing mother daughter workshops coming up this fall.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: Head on over to her website to check that out.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: And finally, the Abundance Approach app.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: Go on over to anywhere you get your apps.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: Jump on in.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: We are tackling mom guilt this month.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: We're so glad you're here.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: Happy Podcast Day, Dad.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: Happy Podcast Day.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: Here we are again.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: How are you?
1:21
SPEAKER_00: You know, I've had a kind of long and depleting day, and my my mothering my mothering bucket is a little empty.
1:33
SPEAKER_02: I hear you.
1:35
SPEAKER_02: I have to say this stage of parenting right now is heartbreaking and amazing all at the same time.
1:43
SPEAKER_02: And and and today for me has been particularly brutal.
1:47
SPEAKER_02: Totally.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: Which is a perfect way to bring on our topic for today.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, you want to tell our listeners what our topic is?
1:56
SPEAKER_02: So we got a little angst in our topic because it is what the fuck is self-care anyway?
2:04
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
2:05
SPEAKER_02: This is self-care, it's such an interesting word.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: Controversial.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: I would say this idea in motherhood brings up so when I when when I talk about it in my office or when I talk about it with friends or colleagues, there's almost always angstiness and controversial controversy and conflict because people eye roll, right?
2:30
SPEAKER_00: Self-care, who the fuck has time for self-care?
2:33
SPEAKER_00: So I think today we should redefine.
2:38
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: We need to help folks understand why self-care has to be a non-negotiable in mothering, in our ability to be good mothers or good enough mothers.
2:53
SPEAKER_00: Right.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: And maybe talk a little bit about what it's not and how self-care is truly just the act of taking care of ourselves in pretty simple ways.
3:10
SPEAKER_02: Simple, bite-sized, realistic, unique to you ways.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: And then I think back to how my day started.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: Right?
3:32
SPEAKER_00: I woke up, I meditated, I read some inspiring books, which I do every morning, I got outside, I got a good night's sleep last night, I drank water all day, and I still feel exhausted.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: And I think about where would I be if I hadn't done those things?
3:51
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: Like it's hard enough to stay steady and mothering when I'm filling my tank.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: Hallelujah.
4:00
SPEAKER_02: And and this is why you brought up this idea that it is non-negotiable.
4:06
SPEAKER_02: Non-negotiable.
4:07
SPEAKER_02: This the the idea of taking care of ourselves with love and respect to self is actually the most important thing we need in order to show up for our kids.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: So I love what you just said because the source of self-care is self-love.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: We do not take care of the people we don't like.
4:35
SPEAKER_00: And when I talk to folks in my office about these non-pharmaceutical prescriptions, which maybe we will go through today as a form of self-care, and people are like coming in and they haven't done them those things.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: What we find to be the biggest roadblocks is a person's sense of worthiness or sense of love towards themselves.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: So people, we can all start taking care of ourselves, but we are gonna lose steam quickly if those actions aren't coming from a place of self-love and self-respect.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: So that's an interesting kind of perspective to start with today.
5:14
SPEAKER_00: Self-care is not practical, it's emotional and it's psychological.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: Are we willing to take care of ourselves, to give to ourselves that way, and receive that way?
5:22
SPEAKER_00: And that's a big question.
5:24
SPEAKER_02: That is a huge question.
5:25
SPEAKER_02: And it it brings up the same idea that if we if we do not tend to all the parts within us, or any, or even like just a little part that's popping up, then we literally cannot tend to our families.
5:42
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
5:42
SPEAKER_02: It's in it's actually impossible.
5:44
SPEAKER_02: So to your point, you had this amazing day of self-care in all your different ways.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, and I think that's an interesting term.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: I mean, at this point, at this stage of my life in mothering, I would just call it my standard.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: Right.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: Right?
5:58
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't even an amazing day of self-care.
6:00
SPEAKER_00: It was like brushing your teeth.
6:01
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
6:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:02
SPEAKER_02: It was like you literally and I'm like that with meditation as well.
6:05
SPEAKER_02: Like I, if I can if I do not get it in, it feels I feel off.
6:12
SPEAKER_02: There, and I am not able to totally show up in a way that feels authentic to me.
6:18
SPEAKER_02: And and so here you are, you had this morning, you sat, you read, you got outside, you drank water, and luckily we had a moment of laughter to like talk about our shitty days.
6:32
SPEAKER_02: Well, because self-care for me is also connection.
6:34
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
6:35
SPEAKER_02: So we had connection.
6:36
SPEAKER_02: Yep, yeah.
6:37
SPEAKER_02: And and it was still really hard.
6:39
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
6:40
SPEAKER_02: Because motherhood is hard.
6:42
SPEAKER_02: Motherhood is so hard sometimes.
6:45
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes.
6:46
SPEAKER_02: A lot of the time.
6:47
SPEAKER_00: So let's back up for a minute, Deb, and just maybe create a container for what we're talking about.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: And you and I both practice and consult and provide therapy to folks in this what clinically is called a biopsychosocial model.
7:05
SPEAKER_00: And what that means is that our perspective on mental health has to do with someone's biological health, right?
7:14
SPEAKER_00: How healthy is their body, including their brain, their psychological health, how healthy are their emotions, their thoughts, their beliefs, their social health, how healthy are their connections, their relationships with themselves and others.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: And I've actually recently added spiritual health because what the data actually says, which is fascinating, is that people who have what is called in the data of a spiritual core, an essence of belonging to something bigger than themselves, being held in something bigger than themselves, which has love and purpose and all those important, important terms, those folks actually are less likely to be depressed and anxious in their lives and engage in substance abuse and all those things.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: So we can add that here too if we want.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: But when I think of self-care and motherhood, I think of are you mom tending to your biological health, your psychological health, your social health, and your spiritual health?
8:12
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to run a marathon in all of those four areas, but there needs to be some inquiry, some curiosity, some intention, and some action in those areas.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: It's like putting gas in the tank.
8:25
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: We pause in this because this is one of those moments where when you're a clinician or a mom of teenagers with this kind of experience, this becomes so obvious, right?
8:42
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: But the truth is that when you're in it and all of your focus as a mom is on your kids and the environment and holding all the shit together, that can feel that statement I just felt made can feel incredibly overwhelming.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: It can.
8:58
SPEAKER_02: And I think I even got actually overwhelmed with that.
9:00
SPEAKER_02: I bet you did.
9:01
SPEAKER_02: So I think there's two things coming up for me.
9:04
SPEAKER_02: One is one way that I really play with self-care are what are the little things I can do throughout my day that give me a sense of freedom.
9:16
SPEAKER_02: And the reason I use the word freedom is because when I feel entangled either in my kids' lives or my partner's lives or life, or even in my work life, where I can't actually give myself space from that, that's when I start feeling really depleted.
9:35
SPEAKER_02: Interesting.
9:35
SPEAKER_02: And so the ways that I like to entangle is simple things like stepping outside in between sessions and feeling the sun on my skin and not checking my phone.
9:48
SPEAKER_02: Or just taking five deep breaths as before I pick up the phone to call someone, or before I walk in the house, literally taking off my shoes and putting my feet in the grass and feeling the power of the earth holding me.
10:03
SPEAKER_02: And in those moments, they're just little things I pepper in throughout the day in order to help me kind of have space from the people I'm caring so much about.
10:14
SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
10:15
SPEAKER_02: And that is it's and then and then I feel free because I know for so particularly when I'm thinking about my kids, which I think the brain gets my brain gets really activated and can go into worry mode.
10:29
SPEAKER_02: When I have that space, I'm remembering that they are on their own journeys, and and I am here to be a container.
10:38
SPEAKER_02: And in order for me to be a strong container, that's when I have to take care of myself.
10:43
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, strong container and a and a secure attachment figure, right?
10:48
SPEAKER_00: So we may talk about attachment and attachment styles at some point on this podcast, but I think what's so important for our listeners to know is that a healthy, secure attachment, which is what we want with between parents and caregivers, mothers and children, is requires a healthy, secure adult.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: And I don't know about you, but I don't feel healthy or secure if I am depleted, hungry, tired, um, thirsty, stressed, isolated.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: Isolated.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: I can't provide that secure base, which is why I go back to that statement, which I know is so hard for us to, we don't want to shame and blame when we say this at all, and we don't want to kind of offend, although I do think it can feel offensive, is that it's really important that when we're considering whether or not we are providing good mothering to our children, whether or not we're showing up as a good mom, whether or not we're taking care of ourselves.
11:51
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: Because if we're not, we can't mother well.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: It's impossible.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: Full stop.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Not because we're bad people, but because we literally don't have the fuel to do that.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:02
SPEAKER_00: I think I'm just thinking out loud here, but I think it might be helpful for me to describe here the non-pharmaceutical prescription that we that I use with my clients as sort of a launching pad for us to talk about the more simple ways to access self-care, which again, cliche overused term, but we're just talking about ways to take care of ourselves, our whole selves, our bio, psychosocial, spiritual selves, right?
12:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: And so maybe what we could do, we're gonna play with this a little bit.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: Let's play.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: Is that we can talk through this prescription.
12:37
SPEAKER_00: By the way, for our listeners, um, the prescription literally looks like a prescription pad, right?
12:43
SPEAKER_00: And what's on the prescription pad are things that the data have told us are important for brain health and mental health, right?
12:54
SPEAKER_00: So all these things on this non-pharmaceutical prescription pad are things that we know we need to do to take care of our brains, okay?
13:02
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna tell you what's on there, and then maybe we can go through and riff off each other about what we do.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: All right.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: So what's on our non-pharmaceutical prescription is sleep, nutrition, exercise movement, that's one category.
13:15
SPEAKER_00: Okay, breath mindfulness is one category.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: Um, social support, play, and nature.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: Seven things.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: I think I may have said six, but there are seven things.
13:26
SPEAKER_02: I love those.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: Those seven things literally come from decades of research around mental health and wellness and what happens in our brain when we do or do not engage in those things.
13:40
SPEAKER_00: And so let's use that as our definition of self-care.
13:44
SPEAKER_02: Do we want to keep the word self-care is a great question?
13:49
SPEAKER_02: Because when I'm listening to you and we're talking you we're using metaphors like fuel and showing up and holding container, like I think of a car.
13:59
SPEAKER_02: And it sounds to me like we're talking about maintenance in the sense of how we take care of a car.
14:06
SPEAKER_02: We give it tune-ups, we give it oil, we charge it in the electric charging machine.
14:11
SPEAKER_02: Like, I mean, we give it gas.
14:13
SPEAKER_02: Like there's this is where my brain is going.
14:17
SPEAKER_02: So, because to going back to what we were saying before, that when we taught where it roots from is self-love, which has to involve care.
14:25
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
14:26
SPEAKER_02: But that that word can actually bring up kind of, I think, a tricky resistance sometimes.
14:34
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
14:34
SPEAKER_02: Which goes kind of down another avenue of what gets in the way of loving yourself.
14:42
SPEAKER_02: That's a whole better podcast.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: But I love what you're saying because if we continue to use a term that people are gonna like close their ears to, yeah, what's the point?
14:52
SPEAKER_02: So, what if it was self-maintenance beautiful based on self-love in order to show up as a good enough mom?
15:02
SPEAKER_00: Right.
15:03
SPEAKER_00: In order to be able to drive.
15:07
SPEAKER_02: In order to be able to get from A to B.
15:09
SPEAKER_02: In order to be able to get from A to B.
15:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
15:11
SPEAKER_02: To function.
15:12
SPEAKER_02: To function.
15:12
SPEAKER_02: Like this is so basic that we need to function.
15:15
SPEAKER_02: And I think when the expectation is you're gonna function with no fuel, it's just a huge setup.
15:20
SPEAKER_02: And then there's like this cycle of being mad at oneself that comes up when you're not functioning the way you want to be.
15:27
SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is so good.
15:29
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
15:29
SPEAKER_00: So we are actually now presenting a model for self-maintenance.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: That's required for functioning as a good mother.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: Good enough mother.
15:42
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: Well, right, good enough.
15:45
SPEAKER_00: Isn't that your thing?
15:45
SPEAKER_00: Good enough?
15:46
SPEAKER_00: Will a cut?
15:47
SPEAKER_00: It yes, winnicut.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: But uh, but I think we're never gonna talk about perfect mothering.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: Good.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: So just good enough.
15:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm with you.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: We'll use that term.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
15:56
SPEAKER_00: So so I told you the seven things, and let's go through them.
15:59
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: Okay, and maybe I could start by offering up some science behind these things, and then you can share your insight, and maybe we can add a couple of ideas of what it might look like.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: Sounds good.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: So for the purpose of the filling out this prescription, and if you're listening, you might want to give listen later or right now.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: Get out a notebook and a pen because we're gonna talk you through this.
16:19
SPEAKER_00: The goal is to say, right, if a doctor gives you a prescription, they don't start with the highest dosage.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: They don't give you a horse pill, six horse pills, because you're not gonna freaking take it, right?
16:30
SPEAKER_00: So when we go through these, the question is what's the minimum amount you know that you need to be mentally well enough?
16:37
SPEAKER_00: That is realistic.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: So it has to be realistic, but it also probably has to be a little more than you're comfortable with.
16:45
SPEAKER_02: Right.
16:46
SPEAKER_02: Like there has to be intentionality around and discipline.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: So the first one is sleep.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: And what we know, what the what the brain science tells us is that most brains need a minimum of at least a chunk of four hours of sleep in a 24-hour period to prevent sleep deprivation.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: This isn't just one night.
17:07
SPEAKER_02: Four hours in a row.
17:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, four hours in that uninterrupted.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you get one night of not enough sleep, that isn't necessarily gonna make you sleep deprived, but if you cumulatively get that much.
17:17
SPEAKER_00: So we want to aim for at least one chunk, ideally more, of four hours of uninterrupted sleep.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: That's gonna be easier for a mom with older kids than babies.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: But even with babies, we coach kids moms on this.
17:30
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
17:31
SPEAKER_02: And older to what degree?
17:32
SPEAKER_02: Like it's when they get older and they're going out, then the phone might be next to the bed again.
17:38
SPEAKER_02: Right.
17:38
SPEAKER_02: Where we're trying to get phones out of the bedroom, one clock plug.
17:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
17:41
SPEAKER_02: Um, then it's like then it comes up again.
17:44
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
17:45
SPEAKER_02: Right.
17:45
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
17:45
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
17:46
SPEAKER_02: So what do you do?
17:47
SPEAKER_02: What's your sleep?
17:48
SPEAKER_00: Oh, my sleep is well, first of all, I've got two teenagers.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: I want everyone to remember that, right?
17:53
SPEAKER_00: I also, as I know you are, the sleep is at the top of this list because it is infinitely the most important for all of our other systems in our body.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: Top of my list.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm a nine-hour night gal.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: I'm so jealous.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: I know.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: This is a conversation you and I are.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm a great sleeper.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm a great sleeper.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: And my sleep routine is that I am in bed by nine.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: If it's later than nine, I start to like get irritated with everybody around me.
18:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm now in bed before my kids are.
18:20
SPEAKER_03: Uh-huh.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: I read.
18:22
SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
18:22
SPEAKER_00: I have to read before I go to sleep.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: It sort of shuts off my brain, and I read really yummy, juicy novels, the book kind, not on the Kindle.
18:29
SPEAKER_00: And then I fall asleep.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: And then I'm up at six.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: And I wake up during the night sometimes, but I am a pretty solid sleeper.
18:36
SPEAKER_00: What's your sleep routine?
18:37
SPEAKER_02: Well, it's very similar, but I would say realistically, I'm in bed at 10.
18:41
SPEAKER_02: That just is because I am still tucking in my littlest one, and like, and she everything's just been later lately.
18:48
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
18:49
SPEAKER_02: And I that feels really important for me.
18:51
SPEAKER_02: But I do, I actually, I actually turn off at 9.
18:56
SPEAKER_02: Like my brain, and so I actually just thought of this recently after a conversation with a friend that nothing good happens in my house after nine.
19:05
SPEAKER_02: So I just told my kids this recently.
19:07
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, don't ask me for things after nine.
19:09
SPEAKER_02: We're not shopping after nine.
19:12
SPEAKER_02: Like, I actually can't really problem solve after nine, which is tricky because sometimes the kids really want to like process at that time, and then I can kind of get it up for them in those moments.
19:21
SPEAKER_02: But like, really don't ask me for things.
19:25
SPEAKER_02: You won't get the answer you want.
19:26
SPEAKER_02: So I'm starting to learn.
19:28
SPEAKER_02: At nine, my boundary comes up and I like start to wind down, screens are off.
19:33
SPEAKER_02: I I take my GABA max, um, which I love, all natural supplement, and and I wash my face, and then I get into bed and I literally read one page and go to sleep.
19:45
SPEAKER_02: Oh, and I discovered an eye mask for those people out there that are light sleepers.
19:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm actually a really light sleeper and I realize I'm light sensitive.
19:52
SPEAKER_02: And when I started using an eye mask, game changer.
19:56
SPEAKER_02: Amazing.
19:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: So that's interesting.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: Let's just a little plug for sleep hygiene, right?
20:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: Um, what all the data says is to be off a screen within an hour of wanting to fall asleep, right?
20:08
SPEAKER_00: Dark room, limited noise, cool temperature, yeah, right?
20:13
SPEAKER_00: Those are some really useful things.
20:15
SPEAKER_02: That is really useful.
20:16
SPEAKER_00: Also for those anxious moms out there, doing a brain dump right before bed is something I talk about a lot.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: Just get a piece of paper, pen, write, take a minute, just write all your thoughts down.
20:26
SPEAKER_00: That could be a really helpful way to get all your thoughts out.
20:29
SPEAKER_02: I would add for all the couples out there that might be listening, is a stress-reducing conversation.
20:34
SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
20:35
SPEAKER_02: Can happen sometime in the evening, not maybe right before, but that is where you set a timer and one person just names all the stressors in their life.
20:43
SPEAKER_02: You go back and forth and for five minutes each, and it doesn't, it's not about the relationship, it's not about problem solving, it's just bringing your partner up to speed, so you're not necessarily alone with your stress.
20:55
SPEAKER_02: And the listener's job is just to listen and validate.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: So, what we're actually saying, which is worth naming, is that sleep is the most vulnerable time for animals.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: So we will not sleep well if there's any part of our nervous system that's activated towards threat.
21:14
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: So if there's stress left over from our day, right, if our body is, I always say to folks, you don't pull your kid off the playground and stick them in bed and close the door and be like, night night, right?
21:24
SPEAKER_00: You have a whole routine to settle your nervous system.
21:27
SPEAKER_00: And so any activities that settle nervous system um are so important.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: Yes, right?
21:33
SPEAKER_00: And so settling it between partners, with yourself.
21:37
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I love it.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: Okay, what's next?
21:39
SPEAKER_00: Nutrition.
21:40
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: So I we talk about nutrition for our brains, not nutrition for our bodies, right?
21:45
SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: This is where I often bring up that serotonin, which is that neuro uh transmitter, neurotransmitter responsible for mental wellness in our brain.
21:53
SPEAKER_00: It's a brain chemical.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: Many people have heard of it, is not free forming in our bodies, right?
21:58
SPEAKER_00: So we um serotonin.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Requires building blocks from proteins, amino acids, in order to be produced in our bodies.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: And so I'm often talking to folks about how important a really dense protein-based diet is for brain health.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: Not over protein, but enough protein.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: And many of us, when we're moms, we're so stressed that we just grab whatever we can super quickly.
22:22
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: So what do you know about yourself in nutrition?
22:26
SPEAKER_02: Oh gosh.
22:27
SPEAKER_02: I mean that feels like a whole other podcast.
22:29
SPEAKER_02: I think there it's so interesting.
22:32
SPEAKER_02: What's coming up from me is how many different, how many different messages there are around nutrition.
22:37
SPEAKER_02: And I think it's that was Darwin shaking his collar.
22:41
SPEAKER_02: That I think for me it is about eating early.
22:47
SPEAKER_02: Um that like just not eating right before bed is actually really important for my glycemic index to not spike throughout the night.
22:56
SPEAKER_02: Um I'm a big fan of fats and really bringing that in to settle my system.
23:03
SPEAKER_02: I'm really into chewing my food, and so that is another form of self-care.
23:08
SPEAKER_02: When I stop and sit and actually chew my food slowly and taste it, it wakes up my my mouth to pleasure.
23:16
SPEAKER_02: It wakes up my ideas of slowing my system down.
23:20
SPEAKER_02: It's it's it's really what helps me with nutrition.
23:24
SPEAKER_02: Mindful eating.
23:26
SPEAKER_02: And for so many years I stood and ate and ate quickly before the baby was needing to nurse or needing something.
23:32
SPEAKER_02: And I mean, I had to really retrain myself to chew my food.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:37
SPEAKER_00: That's really interesting.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: I actually think that one of the things that can happen for moms is that they they we can forget to eat because we're so busy.
23:46
SPEAKER_00: And again, feeding for our brain, we have to feed our brain.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: If we haven't eaten all day, we're gonna be cranky.
23:51
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be less patient.
23:53
SPEAKER_00: Yes, we're gonna be less creative, right?
23:55
SPEAKER_00: That is such a big one.
23:56
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: Hydration is next, and this is interesting.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: Yes, it is.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: Because dehydration and anxiety go hand in hand are correlated.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: It's one of the first things I hear actually in my office with new moms who are really anxious, they're not drinking any water.
24:11
SPEAKER_02: And that is an interesting when we discovered that research, that was a game changer for my motivation to drink more water and my clients as well.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: It brings energy, clarity of thinking.
24:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
24:22
SPEAKER_00: Want to make sure you're, you know, doing those electrolytes in there, but that is a big one.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: And actually, some of the women that I work with in my practice, now it's like so interesting to see that they will always have a glass of water with them.
24:35
SPEAKER_00: We're in the beginning, or a water bottle, where in the beginning they were like, Water?
24:39
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: What water?
24:40
SPEAKER_00: That's so good.
24:41
SPEAKER_00: It's so good.
24:42
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: Okay, breath and mindfulness.
24:47
SPEAKER_02: So I think it's important to remember that mindfulness can come in so many shapes and sizes.
24:51
SPEAKER_02: And a really simple thing is to, when you're doing the dishes, to just do the dishes.
24:58
SPEAKER_02: Whatever you're doing, pay attention.
25:00
SPEAKER_02: Feel the water on your hands.
25:02
SPEAKER_02: Notice when you put soap on the scrubby.
25:04
SPEAKER_02: Like I'm literally just thinking about myself this morning.
25:06
SPEAKER_02: When I see the dishes in the sink and I'm overwhelmed, that is a way to slow it down and make it mindful.
25:13
SPEAKER_02: It wakes up the brain, it changes the neural pathways, it allows me to be more present in that moment.
25:18
SPEAKER_02: And when we practice in those small everyday moments, then we can bring it out into the moments where we actually really need it.
25:25
SPEAKER_02: And when we're scared or threatened or the things that actually we practice for.
25:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the science around mindfulness is fascinating, right?
25:34
SPEAKER_02: Another podcast.
25:35
SPEAKER_00: Yes, right.
25:36
SPEAKER_00: But that mindfulness practice literally changes the way our brains work.
25:39
SPEAKER_00: And when we're feeling anxious, we're thinking about something in the past or depressed, we're thinking about something in the past or something in the future, we're not in the moment, right?
25:47
SPEAKER_00: So those practices and bringing us back to the moment.
25:49
SPEAKER_00: I know for me as a mom, save me.
25:52
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
25:52
SPEAKER_00: Save me, save me.
25:54
SPEAKER_00: I will often say to folks who get overwhelmed by the idea of starting a mindfulness practice or a meditation practice is just take three deep breaths every morning.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: Put a sticker on your mirror, it says three deep breaths, and if you start your day with three deep mindful breaths, it's actually going to set your nervous system up for a whole different way of being for the rest of the day.
26:14
SPEAKER_02: I love it.
26:14
SPEAKER_02: Another thing I tell clients is right when you get out of bed, put your feet on the floor and say thank you.
26:21
SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's so good.
26:22
SPEAKER_02: Something to bring gratitude.
26:23
SPEAKER_02: It's an mindfulness is just a discipline of being aware of your thoughts.
26:29
SPEAKER_02: It's having some focus of something.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
26:33
SPEAKER_02: So having whatever works for you, like bring something in that is daily.
26:37
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
26:38
SPEAKER_00: Meditation, which we won't get into, is also a practice in learning how to sit with discomfort.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: And we know how much discomfort there is in motherhood, like we said in the beginning of this podcast.
26:46
SPEAKER_00: So having those practices, super important.
26:49
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
26:50
SPEAKER_02: Exercise and movement.
26:52
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
26:52
SPEAKER_02: So I think this is so important for bite-sized experience of this.
26:57
SPEAKER_02: Exercise can be so triggering for many.
27:00
SPEAKER_02: It can often feel like a chore.
27:04
SPEAKER_02: Um, and and you know, we live in Boulder, Colorado, where exercise is extreme.
27:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:10
SPEAKER_02: And many of the moms get caught up in the what that looks like and how that doesn't always feel authentic to them and us.
27:17
SPEAKER_02: And I would say get outside every day and just start with taking a walk on your block.
27:26
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
27:26
SPEAKER_02: Like for so many reasons.
27:28
SPEAKER_02: Feeling the sun on your face or feeling the coldness, having that bilateral movement of your feet walking back and forth, having quiet.
27:36
SPEAKER_02: If if I actually really think that that quiet is really healthy.
27:41
SPEAKER_02: I know a ton of people will listen to something while they're walking or moving, and that's totally fine.
27:45
SPEAKER_02: But check in with how you feel afterwards.
27:48
SPEAKER_02: Did you did that fill you up or did that make you more scattered?
27:52
SPEAKER_02: You know, and that's gonna be different for everyone.
27:54
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
27:55
SPEAKER_00: The other two things I guess is worth mentioning about exercise and movement is that um you know, energy that stores up in our body, emotion and energy that stores up in our body needs to be moved.
28:06
SPEAKER_00: Yes, right?
28:07
SPEAKER_00: And depression is often a uh a pressing down of that energy, it gets stuck, right?
28:14
SPEAKER_00: And an anxiety is often a bubbling up of that energy, right?
28:17
SPEAKER_00: It needs to move.
28:18
SPEAKER_00: And so um, you know, we actually limitless data, right, on how exercise is both preventative and treatment based for both depression and anxiety.
28:28
SPEAKER_00: We're the only animals that don't shake it off after a stressful moment.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's actually something I do every morning after my meditation.
28:36
SPEAKER_02: I fucking shake.
28:37
SPEAKER_02: I do too.
28:38
SPEAKER_02: I love the shake, and it's so good for like thyroid and all these other things too.
28:43
SPEAKER_02: And remember, uh the another thing about exercise is it's so loaded because there's so much body image around it.
28:50
SPEAKER_02: And like Kate said earlier, this is like you said earlier, this is about brain health.
28:56
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
28:57
SPEAKER_02: Right.
28:57
SPEAKER_02: And so bringing it back to exercise is for brain health, not you know, there will be a body health that comes with it, but that's not the priority right now.
29:07
SPEAKER_02: No, that's right.
29:07
SPEAKER_00: Okay, and exercise can look, as you said, like jumping jacks or dancing in the kitchen or it can look any way.
29:14
SPEAKER_00: Moving our body, right?
29:16
SPEAKER_00: Amazing.
29:17
SPEAKER_02: Okay, uh, social support.
29:19
SPEAKER_02: Oof.
29:20
SPEAKER_02: Oh, this is like my favorite thing.
29:22
SPEAKER_02: I mean, when we feel connected to another being where we have a safe place to be totally authentic, we are more integrated with ourselves over and over again.
29:35
SPEAKER_02: And that is where we tend to ourselves.
29:38
SPEAKER_02: You know, having some kind of connection is essential.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: It's essential.
29:44
SPEAKER_00: The brain science around it is also fascinating.
29:47
SPEAKER_00: Moments of connection when we are feeling connected with ourselves, with others or the environment, our parasympathetic nervous system turns on, rest and digest.
29:55
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: When we are feeling and have an experience of disconnection with ourselves, others, and our environment, our sympathetic nervous system turns on.
30:03
SPEAKER_00: Fight, flight, and freeze, right?
30:05
SPEAKER_00: So often people who are walking around in that hyper agitated, anxious nervous system state are not having enough moments of connection in their lives.
30:15
SPEAKER_00: And by the way, connection can look like actually looking the clerk at the grocery store in the eyes when you say thank you.
30:22
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
30:22
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to mean you're going on a date night or having going on a girls' trip, or it's just those moments of connection.
30:30
SPEAKER_02: Yes, engagement.
30:31
SPEAKER_02: And I'm so glad you brought up eyes because that is actually a way that we co-regulate.
30:37
SPEAKER_02: Ideally, it's with a safe person, not maybe not you're not co-regulating with the registered person at the grocery store, but to find someone where you can look at them in the eye and it actually makes the nervous system settle.
30:49
SPEAKER_02: And the other thing, I love your science piece, because I I'll bring in this other float, this other piece that I don't think is scientifically based, but what I see over and over again is when someone feels known or feels like someone else has their back, the nervous system settles.
31:09
SPEAKER_02: And when the nervous system settles, we have so much more capacity to manage stress, to communicate clearly, to say how we feel, to have patience.
31:19
SPEAKER_02: So that is right there with you.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: Right.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: So finding something to connect, some way to connect with yourself, could be your hand on your heart, right?
31:28
SPEAKER_00: Your environment, that could be walking barefoot in the backyard and feeling your feet on the floor, or like feeling the sun on your face, or other people, eye contact, a hug, a an important conversation, phone call, all of those things are super important.
31:43
SPEAKER_00: Okay, play.
31:45
SPEAKER_01: This is I'm not, you guys, I am not always a good player.
31:49
SPEAKER_01: It's me, it's Kate and my biggest joke.
31:51
SPEAKER_01: I'm working on being better at play.
31:53
SPEAKER_01: You are getting so much better at play.
31:55
SPEAKER_01: I have fun playing with you.
31:56
SPEAKER_01: Yes, you have.
31:58
SPEAKER_02: Um, I I love play.
32:00
SPEAKER_02: Let's define play.
32:01
SPEAKER_02: Well, Brene would say it's when we lose track of time.
32:05
SPEAKER_02: You're doing something that you enjoy and lose track of time.
32:08
SPEAKER_02: I love that definition, actually.
32:11
SPEAKER_02: Because that it's yeah, that just speaks for itself.
32:14
SPEAKER_02: What's your definition?
32:16
SPEAKER_00: So, my understanding of play play is that it involves three important things.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: It involves a non-purposeful activity, so you're not doing something to achieve a goal.
32:25
SPEAKER_00: It involves a letting go of your ego, so you're involved, that's the losing yourself in something, right?
32:32
SPEAKER_00: You're in you're involved in something that it that sort of has your like your like you know, letting go of all worry about what everyone's thinking about you.
32:41
SPEAKER_00: And it's pleasurable that you're actually enjoying that experience that you're having.
32:47
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I love it.
32:48
SPEAKER_00: Okay, play.
32:49
SPEAKER_00: What's your form of play?
32:50
SPEAKER_02: Um, I mean, I I love live music, I love sports, um, I love comedy, watching comedy, playing games, going on walks, um, having a glass of wine.
33:06
SPEAKER_02: I love laughing.
33:07
SPEAKER_02: Like I just really have you guys heard Debs laugh yet?
33:11
SPEAKER_02: Now I'm gonna laugh on call.
33:13
SPEAKER_02: It can be a little annoying sometimes.
33:14
SPEAKER_02: That's so good.
33:15
SPEAKER_02: But I can't help it.
33:16
SPEAKER_02: It's um I think it's actually when I notice that I'm not finding things funny, I will create that in my life, which is why like a good, I think, comedy or something that is that helps instill humor.
33:29
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I'll go back and watch this video of one of my kids like doing this really funny thing about using the bathroom, and it just literally makes me laugh out loud all the time.
33:38
SPEAKER_02: So I actually think I want all our listeners to find something that you know you can rely on that's going to make you laugh.
33:46
SPEAKER_02: Sometimes my sister will send me like random texts with just a funny memory, and I need that.
33:51
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes finding laughter is hard if you're really struggling, but we get to remember we can struggle and find laughter or humor at the same time.
34:00
SPEAKER_02: Oh yes, I cry a lot too.
34:01
SPEAKER_02: You do.
34:03
SPEAKER_00: Crying people laughing hand in hand.
34:05
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
34:06
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
34:06
SPEAKER_00: Wait, there was something else I was gonna say about Oh, I know.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: My thing for play?
34:09
SPEAKER_00: Yes, dancing in the kitchen.
34:11
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
34:11
SPEAKER_00: I'm a big like turn, my girls kind of want to leave as quickly as possible, but that's my form of play.
34:18
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I love it.
34:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm a solid gold dancer in a in an alter ego life.
34:22
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
34:22
SPEAKER_00: So good.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: Our last one is um what is our oh nature.
34:28
SPEAKER_00: So much fascinating data around nature.
34:30
SPEAKER_02: Share what you've recently learned.
34:32
SPEAKER_00: So being in nature, and I think actually it's interesting, it incorporates many of the things that we're talking about, right?
34:38
SPEAKER_00: It incorporates mindfulness because it's re there's so many senses when we're in nature that we're more we're attuned to what's happening in those five senses.
34:45
SPEAKER_00: So it includes mindfulness, includes being outdoors, right?
34:49
SPEAKER_00: Obviously.
34:49
SPEAKER_00: It involves moving our bodies so often, right?
34:53
SPEAKER_00: But the science keeps telling us over and over that when we are engaged outdoors in nature, our nervous system settles pretty quickly, right?
35:02
SPEAKER_00: So there's even this fascinating data that says that if we're looking at photos of nature or smelling things related to nature.
35:11
SPEAKER_02: Because sometimes people live in in a city where there's almost always a way to find a tree, but like you're not gonna have access to a trail.
35:18
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
35:19
SPEAKER_02: That the actually the data around photos is fascinating.
35:24
SPEAKER_00: It's fascinating.
35:25
SPEAKER_00: So I don't think most of us, I mean, we live in Boulder, so it's sort of in our backyard, but most of us don't think of nature as medicine.
35:33
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what we're saying.
35:34
SPEAKER_00: That's why we're calling it a non-pharmaceutical prescription for mental health or self-maintenance or self-care, right?
35:40
SPEAKER_00: Is because these things are medicine for our brains.
35:43
SPEAKER_00: If we want to feel good, we have to be doing these things, taking these things in in small doses.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: And so um, people don't always realize the power of nature.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: And that can literally mean, even if you're in a city, to your point, going outside and standing by a tree.
35:59
SPEAKER_00: Yes, and putting your hand on the bar.
36:01
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
36:02
SPEAKER_02: Just feeling the energy of the tree.
36:04
SPEAKER_02: And the thing about nature, no drama.
36:06
SPEAKER_02: No drama.
36:07
SPEAKER_02: Nature just does its thing, it does its thing, and it just like things are things die, things grow, it's just endless.
36:14
SPEAKER_02: We can count on it, it's consistent, it's always changing.
36:18
SPEAKER_02: No drama.
36:19
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
36:20
SPEAKER_02: And one last thing I'll say, and I said this earlier in my routine putting your feet on the earth is actually an incredible practice.
36:29
SPEAKER_02: Even and taking off your shoes, like just feeling your feet on the earth for a minute is enough.
36:36
SPEAKER_00: We do an amazing job so much of the time taking good care of our kids.
36:42
SPEAKER_00: That's what we think good mothering is.
36:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
36:45
SPEAKER_00: Take good care of your kids.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
36:47
SPEAKER_00: And I want our listeners today today to actually shift that perspective a little bit.
36:52
SPEAKER_00: And to think about, as I said earlier, good mothering is taking care of yourself first so that you can take care of your kids.
37:00
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
37:01
SPEAKER_00: And this template we said we gave today is just one way of beginning to think through what it looks like to maintain your health and wellness.
37:11
SPEAKER_00: Many different ways of doing this.
37:13
SPEAKER_00: People will probably have actually love to hear comments from folks on our Instagram account about what ways you take care of yourselves, but let's redefine this as something that we just do.
37:24
SPEAKER_00: We create habits around it.
37:26
SPEAKER_02: Yes, habits, exactly.
37:28
SPEAKER_02: And one thing to add is you, as you've been listening to this, you might actually realize that you are already doing some of this naturally.
37:36
SPEAKER_02: So now you can actually, I want you to take a moment to write down the things that you are doing habitually without even knowing it, and put it in your self-maintenance kind of file that look at you, you're already doing it, and bring intentionality to it and know that it's healing and helping you.
37:52
SPEAKER_02: And sometimes when we remember that something's actually good for us, it makes it land deeper.
37:58
SPEAKER_00: And that mom guilt thing that happens when we feel guilty about going out to see that friend or taking that hike instead of being home or whatever it is.
38:07
SPEAKER_00: I want everyone to remember that every single time you do something that tends to your health and wellness, you are taking care of your kids.
38:15
SPEAKER_00: 100%.
38:17
SPEAKER_00: Cheers.
38:18
SPEAKER_00: Cheers.
38:18
SPEAKER_00: What are you gonna go do to take care of yourself right now?
38:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to back to school next.
38:24
SPEAKER_00: It's not self-care.
38:26
SPEAKER_00: All right, let's commit.
38:28
SPEAKER_00: We don't even need to say what it is, but with intention, let's commit to both doing something to fill ourselves up on the way to back to school next.
38:35
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
38:36
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
38:36
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
38:37
SPEAKER_01: Love you.
38:39
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so for listening.
38:41
SPEAKER_01: Bye.