Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / 5 Types of Loneliness in Relationship Breakdown, Separation & Divorce

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5 Types of Loneliness in Relationship Breakdown, Separation & Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrandry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is all about loneliness, but specifically about five types of loneliness we see and experience during relationship breakdown, separation, divorce, even afterwards.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness is something that many of my clients and those in the wider reflect community you reflect on or share with me as a real thing.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that I work on a lot with my one-to-one clients, and I posted recently on Instagram about loneliness as a part of separation divorce, and my DMs blew up just a little bit, so I know it definitely touched a raw point for some of you.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And to be really honest and clear and transparent, it's one reason, one of the reasons, I decided to create a group coaching experience to build support and connection at a really tender time, a time when it feels like support and connection are just being stripped away from you in so many ways.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, at a time when you're losing perhaps the safe space that was your marriage or your relationship, you're losing connection, yes, with this person who is soon to be your ex-partner, but also with a whole range of other people and communities.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness rears its head in a number of ways during seasons of our relationships that feel more challenging.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, this can be relationships other than intimate partner relationships, right?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: If your relationship with your parent or your sibling or your child feels strained, it can trigger an intense loneliness.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, this episode is really specific about separation, divorce, and loneliness, but it applies to all relationships.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: When we're feeling challenged in or by a relationship, we can feel intensely lonely.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So when we're asking those hard questions, like is this a season or am I really done with this relationship?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Should I stay?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Should I leave?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: When we're navigating all that comes with separation or divorce, it's hard and it can be intensely lonely and isolating.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or we can actually isolate ourselves because maybe we don't know what to say or what to tell people, or we don't want to tell people, we don't want to share something that is so raw and tender, feel ashamed, at fault for all of the reasons.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Navigating relationship, separation, divorce challenges can be isolating and lonely.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when a relationship that was perhaps once happy and connected, loving and joyful, something that was a source of comfort and companionship and connection begins to unravel, the emotional landscape can shift dramatically and suddenly, and you find yourself disconnected, isolated, lonely, even while you're still in the relationship.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness can strike so intensely during these significant life moments because, at its core, loneliness isn't just about being physically alone, although that's one part of it.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's really about feeling emotionally unsupported, misunderstood, disconnected, and particularly in this context from that person who was once upon a time your chosen person, a soulmate, a partner, a friend, your cheerleader, your champion, your lover, and feel disconnected from that and also from the wider world around us.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: When we're in a relationship, there's often a sense of identity and security and belonging that comes with being in that relationship, being in a partnership.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So when the relationship starts to unravel and the bond between you and a partner is weakened or eroded, it can create a void in just your day-to-day life, but also more deeply in your sense of self.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: So navigating relationship changes, challenges, the ending of a relationship, separation, divorce will disrupt our connection to self as well as our connection to other people.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: It disrupts familiar patterns, ways of moving through the world, hopes, dreams, vision of the future, the loss of that shared life, the life you thought you'd be living, the story you thought you would be telling yourself or that you'd written for yourself, and the grief around that, even if it's you who is choosing to end the relationship, combined with all of the fear of what's coming and the uncertainty, the concept of facing that future alone exacerbates, amplifies, ramps up all those feelings of loneliness and isolation.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not even considering what can come from externally, from outside, the judgment of others, the stigma that still in 2024 can come with separation or divorce and isolate us even further and make it really, really hard, really difficult to reach out for support from those who we might normally turn to.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: All sorts of reasons.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to speak to that a little bit more later in the episode.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: But really key here is to understand and appreciate and accept the different ways that loneliness might manifest for us, for you, as you navigate this uncertain kind of space.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: To not be blindsided by it or taken down its vortex, not to fall down that rabbit hole of loneliness and sit in there for extended periods, to accept, to allow, to know that loneliness is a part, one part of the journey, but that it also doesn't have to be a big part.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be the only part of the journey in the story for you.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, to the five types of loneliness that pop up during relationship challenges, separation, divorce, let's go through them one at a time.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: First one is loneliness while you're still in.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness while still in the marriage or the relationship.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Even when you are in a relationship, you can feel isolated, disconnected.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're rolling through a rough season in your relationship, if you're asking the hard questions, wondering whether to stay or leave, having those same arguments or discussions on loop, it can feel pretty lonely.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And this type of loneliness really is arises or it's rooted in emotional needs.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional needs repeatedly not being met in the relationship.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, there's a little bit about self-abandonment in there too.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: When we self-abandon in a relationship, when we stop asking or expecting our needs to be met and our feelings, thoughts, opinions validated, that can make a relationship feel intensely lonely.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: When there's a lack of meaningful connection, even when we're physical, physically present with a partner, it's a pretty lonely space to be.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is a real emotional loneliness, the absence of being in meaningful relationships where there's a lack of that deep emotional connection support.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's physical loneliness, and this is pretty obvious, and it's what most people think of when they connect loneliness and being single or navigating separation or divorce.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And just because it's the most obvious doesn't actually make it any easier to navigate your way through.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is the loneliness we feel when engaging in daily activities, normal daily, usual activities alone.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean things like eating a meal or by yourself, whether that's at home or in a cafe or a restaurant, but sitting down every night to eat alone, drinking your morning coffee alone when it had always been two cups of coffee, attending events, going out to things without a partner, whether that's going to a meeting at a school or sporting event for one of your kids, or going to a family function, or going to a work function, whatever it is, doing the things you used to do as a couple, or doing the most boring, mundane, everyday things that you used to share, even if that is hanging out, the washing or making the bed.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And let's face it, making the bed, changing the linen, rotating the mattress is much easier with two people.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: So it can hit you in the face at really strange, unexpected is really the word I'm looking for.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Unexpected moments like making the bed.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: That loneliness can really hit you in the face.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: The physical loneliness of not having someone else there, the absence of a familiar presence can be felt deeply during these moments, even if you don't really want that person in your life anymore, even if you were the one to choose to end it.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: That physical absence can really be painful, it can really sting.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: The third type of loneliness I want to speak to is loneliness with self, loneliness with ourselves, and this really commonly pops up after separation or divorce.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: We can feel a really deep disconnection from ourselves.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So we feel and experience a real loneliness with and within ourselves.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: It is often rooted, again, like what I mentioned earlier, in self-abandonment where we run away from ourselves, we avoid confronting our own truth or facing after our own emotions.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: It can really manifest as a desire to run away from our thoughts, our feelings, even our identity.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's compounded by self-judgment, blame, shame, creating this cycle where you're really unwilling or even unable to sit with yourself.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes the inner chatter, the internal dialogue, the inner critic pipes up and becomes really, really loud.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that feeling of being disconnected from who we are intensifies.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to listen to that inner critic without shutting it down and trying to run away from it.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Really hard to find calm and peace in our own company.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness with self can also stem from feeling disconnected or having that internal struggle with your own identity after separation and divorce.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you might ask the questions, who am I?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I without this other person?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I without this relationship, this marriage?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I without the future story I had written for myself?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just that constant questioning of self can lead to feeling really lonely with yourself.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes you feel like you want to escape yourself, escape your own thoughts and your life, just run away from yourself, from your mind, from your thinking.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's about really not wanting or feeling comfortable to sit with yourself, to be with yourself, to sit with your own truth.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, maybe it is that you were the one who called it on the relationship, maybe you were the one that had an affair emotional, or physical, and sitting with all of that, the guilt, the shame, just feels too hard, and it tips you into that shame spiral, something you'd rather not deal with.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you disconnect, you're lonely, and experience a disconnect from or a loneliness within yourself.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: You don't really know, or perhaps you don't like at the moment, or feel compassion for the person you are, so you disconnect.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: There's also in this an element of sort of existential loneliness, that deep sense of separateness from everybody else and the wider world while you navigate this really hard stuff by yourself.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I call loneliness with self.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's social loneliness or loneliness in family, loneliness in friendships.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, questioning a marriage or relationship during the breakdown of that relationship through separation, divorce, it can be really hard and challenging to know who to safely share your thoughts and feelings with.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel really unable to fully connect with friends or family if you're sitting in or navigating that space.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there can be a sense of or a fear of being misunderstood or judged or blamed, a fear of sharing your truth, your true feelings that you will be judged, or maybe your partner will be judged if you do.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: There might be reasons you find it really difficult to being honest with the people who are closest to you, whatever your story is.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: You might want to protect them from the story, or protect yourself from telling the story, or even protect your partner, you seem to be ex from telling others the truth, especially if you're in that questioning phase, you know you can't, or perhaps don't want to share with too many people, so you hold back from connecting, you disconnect from others.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And there is often in my experience, through working with so many people who've navigated this, a feeling or perception that no one else really gets it.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: If the things I'm talking about in this podcast episode are resonating with you and you want to explore deeper support with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can also sign up for the wait list for my group coaching program, Decide and Thrive, so you will be first to know when I next launch that program.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm honest, there's some truth in that.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to get it if you've never actually lived it.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: So feeling like no one else gets it because they don't or they can't as much as they love you, they don't have lived experience, so they just can't get it on a really deep level, so you feel unheard, unseen, and that's lonely.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: There is often, unfortunately, also judgment, shame, blame that comes from external sources, friends, family, all the people, right?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: People that you think or thought would be supportive, loving, nurturing, understanding are not as you expected them to be.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be surprising, and also it creates that deep loneliness, that social loneliness.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: The last form of loneliness I wanted to speak to is a broader loneliness, loneliness in our culture or loneliness in our society, loneliness in our wider community.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this last type of loneliness that is a common experience as we separate, divorce, and even afterwards is again about feeling misunderstood, unsupported, and particularly judged by the larger, wider society that we live in and operate in.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: It might be our family culture, religious culture, or just general, generally society as a broader whole.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Our world in many ways is set up to function really well for those of us who are coupled, particularly coupled in heterosexual, heteronormative relationships, right?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's deeply ingrained.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Grow up, get a job, find a partner, get married, buy house, have kids, grow all together.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: That is the story, that is the narrative.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: All of this expectation and conditioning can contribute to feelings of isolation and and I'm gonna say to isolation, not just feeling it, but real isolation, especially when everyone else seems to be in stable relationships, leaving you feeling like you are the odd one out.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Our society is built to function for couples.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: There is a strong element of that that runs through the way societies operate.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And being outside of a couple can feel lonely, isolating, like you're outside the club.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: It can also manifest when somebody expresses shock at you telling them that you're separating or they respond with surprise.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, this type of loneliness runs deep, and it's not just about missing the relationship itself, but also feeling disconnected from a community, from societal norms, expectations that perhaps once provided you with a sense of belonging, even if you didn't realize it at the time, you belonged, and it can make it really difficult to share your experiences or find the support you really want and need.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this type of isolation is, as I said earlier, intensified when it seems like everyone around you is still part of that club, friends who are married, family members who uphold the traditional views, or communities that perhaps even prioritize staying together, staying together for the kids, staying together over personal happiness.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: So this can create a really profound sense of being on the outside, looking in, making the experience, the lived experience of separation or divorce, even more lonely because you lose that sense of belonging to a community, belonging to a club, being accepted.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And all of this, all of this is why I finally decided to open up a group coaching experience to offset some of this, to offset this sense of aloneness and isolation and loneliness, and to connect my clients with others who are navigating similar experiences, others who actually get it because they're in it, they get it because they're right in it.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, what to do if you're experiencing relationship separation or divorce loneliness?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, of course, I'm gonna say join the group.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sign up to the wait list for decide and thrive, and you will find your people.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: You'll share with others, you will support and uplift one another, and you'll have me in there supporting and holding all of you.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Practically, I invite you not to run away from, minimize or suppress your loneliness.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's a real thing, it is part of the journey, you are going to experience it, so don't run away from it, don't minimize it, don't suppress it.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sit with it.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make it wrong, don't make it bad.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a bad thing to feel lonely, but we're told by society that it is.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a bad thing, don't make it wrong or bad.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Allow it to be part of your story for a little while, for as long as you need it to be.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And also, don't jump over it and try to skip to the good parts or try to fill life with busyness or dating relentlessly or even the opposite in retreating, self-isolating, numbing.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't jump over or try and fix your loneliness.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sit with it for a while, learn to accept it and be with it.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sit with it and in it.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: It won't last forever.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it is also part of your healing.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can help ease it by focusing on being in the moment, mindfulness, living in the present.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can embrace each day with gratitude, look for commit moments of joy, even moments of connection with other humans.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can also go inward and use this as a tool, as a trigger to rediscover who you are, how you like to spend your time, what lights you up.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Get out and do things that you enjoy, engage in activities that bring you pleasure, happiness, satisfaction, all of that can really help offset or make your loneliness more manageable.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: For some clients, for some people I work with, they say that getting out actually intensifies the loneliness.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's true, it can at times.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: You get out, you get out and about, and you're looking for couples.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like this negativity bias, right?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're looking for the thing that disconnects and isolates you.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: So switch your switch your view, switch your focus, and try and look for the things that bring you joy, regardless of what anyone else is doing or who they're doing it with.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Really learning to enjoy being on your own in your own company is key.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Learning about yourself in your loneliness is absolutely healing.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: It allows you to know yourself or get to know yourself on a really deep level before you get to a point where you're welcoming new people, dating, new relationships.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Learning about yourself in your loneliness and learning to enjoy your own company is key, even if at times you feel lonely.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Easing of separation, divorce, loneliness comes by finding peace, finding solace, acceptance, being okay in our own company, and also then consciously seeking out and cultivating connections that do help us heal and move forward.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like-minded, values-aligned people, people who are going through or are even through their two, five, ten steps ahead of you, but they get it.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: They have lived experience, they're either in it or through it.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: So find your people, find a supportive community.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I'd love that to be decide and thrive for you, but it might also be a cycling club or a book club or whatever is your thing.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Go out, enjoy doing your thing, and find your people.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Connect with like-minded individuals who are navigating similar experiences.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: It might be in real life, it might be online, or it might be specialized programs and groups like Decide and Thrive.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever works for you.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Find a community that provides the support that you need to feel heard, to feel seen, validated, to move forward, to do the hard things because doing hard things is made easier when you don't have to do all of it all by yourself.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Doing hard things is made easier in community, as is healing.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: We heal as humans, we heal in connection with others and community.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're seeking that support and you would like to explore it being decide and thrive, there's a link in the show notes where you can join the wait list, find out the details, or book a call with me to talk about your options.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: In closing, loneliness is absolutely a part of divorce for sure.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's no minimizing it, there's no avoiding it.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of the story.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: And there are healthy ways you can support yourself and move through it, heal, and create a rich life of your own design that isn't filled with loneliness.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's filled with hope and joy and freedom and all the things that you want for yourself in your life.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've gained something from this episode.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who would be supported to listen to this, please share it with them.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if you'd like to join the wait list for Decide and Thrive, I'd love to welcome you in.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Until then