Latest / Silver FM 100.6 / How honest should you really be? Tips for sharing good and bad news

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How honest should you really be? Tips for sharing good and bad news · Silver FM 100.6

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I'm Kevin Roos.
• 0:00
  Speaker 2: And I'm Casey Newton.
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  Speaker 3: Hey, it's Mariel Cigarra. You're listening to Life Kit. Was
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  Speaker 3: there ever a time that you said something to someone
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  Speaker 3: and you wish you hadn't? Or maybe you thought about
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  Speaker 3: saying something to somebody and you didn't, and then you
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  Speaker 3: regretted staying quiet. It's the kind of thing that can
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  Speaker 3: keep you up at night. Should I say something? Vanessa
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  Speaker 3: Bonds is a social psychologist at Cornell University, and she
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  Speaker 3: wrote a book on this very topic. It's called Should
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: I Say Something? The Science of What to Share and
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  Speaker 3: What to Keep to Yourself.
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  Speaker 4: I'm obsessed with advice columns, you know, whether you should
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  Speaker 4: tell your friend that you saw their partner cheating on
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  Speaker 4: them or whether you should tell someone they're not, you know,
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  Speaker 4: really your child. And I started to notice a pattern
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  Speaker 4: in advice columns, which was that the really big questions
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  Speaker 4: that people seem to wrestle with are, should I say
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  Speaker 4: something at all?
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  Speaker 3: Vanessa's interested in the science behind this question. And the
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  Speaker 3: reason it feels so high stakes when we debate whether
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  Speaker 3: or not to tell someone something even if it's just
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  Speaker 3: that they, you know, have spinach in their teeth.
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  Speaker 4: We're desperately trying to predict what the reaction might be
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  Speaker 4: to us saying something so that we can maintain our
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  Speaker 4: standing in the group and our relationships with other people.
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  Speaker 4: But the choice of saying something at all communicates so much.
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  Speaker 4: It says, I see you. I care about your suffering.
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  Speaker 4: I want to help you in some way. And that
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  Speaker 4: alone shows for many people, is the most important piece.
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  Speaker 4: It's not so much the content. It's that someone actually
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  Speaker 4: made the effort to say something at all.
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  Speaker 3: On this episode of Life Kit, reporter Andy Tegel talks
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  Speaker 3: with Vanessa about how we can decide whether it's worth
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  Speaker 3: saying something, if and when to be honest, the best
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  Speaker 3: ways to share good and bad news, and what to
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  Speaker 3: say when it feels like there is no right thing
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  Speaker 3: to say. That's after the break.
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  Speaker 7: Can we start with honesty? I've heard that it's the
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  Speaker 7: best policy, but what does the research show us? Is
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  Speaker 7: that really the case in all settings? Do people really
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  Speaker 7: want to hear the truth from us?
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  Speaker 4: It depends, right? So there's times when honesty is the
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  Speaker 4: best policy. And those times tend to be when we
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  Speaker 4: have something actionable that we can give another person. Like
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  Speaker 4: I have information that is going to help you perform
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  Speaker 4: better or avoid embarrassment or learn something that you really
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  Speaker 4: genuinely want to know about yourself. And you're asking for
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  Speaker 4: that advice. So something that someone can actually take with
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  Speaker 4: them and use. On the other hand, you know, honesty
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  Speaker 4: is not the best policy if whatever we say is
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  Speaker 4: going to be honest without any kind of instrumental value.
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  Speaker 4: So one thing to think about is what is this
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  Speaker 4: person going to do with this information if you tell
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  Speaker 4: it to them?
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  Speaker 7: I feel like it can still be really hard to
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  Speaker 7: be honest with someone even if you know they need
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  Speaker 7: to hear it. Why is it so hard for us
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  Speaker 7: to give people feedback?
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  Speaker 4: There's a phenomenon called the mum effect. It's called the
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  Speaker 4: mum effect because it stands for minimizing unpleasant messages. And
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  Speaker 4: the idea here is that we don't like to give
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  Speaker 4: honest feedback because we know it's going to embarrass another person.
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  Speaker 4: It could potentially hurt them. And it pains us to
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  Speaker 4: embarrass and hurt other people. So it's just this really awkward,
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  Speaker 4: uncomfortable thing to give difficult, honest feedback. And so That
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  Speaker 4: means that even in situations where people would really like feedback,
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  Speaker 4: like imagine that you have something on your face or
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  Speaker 4: you have toilet paper on your shoe, these really obvious
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  Speaker 4: situations where you want someone to tell you that, people
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  Speaker 4: will hesitate to do that because of that awkward initial
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  Speaker 4: moment where you're going to make someone feel bad. You're
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  Speaker 4: going to embarrass them. And so when researchers have looked
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  Speaker 4: at this, they've sent research assistants out into the world,
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  Speaker 4: And they've put like globs of lipstick or globs of
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  Speaker 4: chocolate on their face, had them talk to just strangers
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  Speaker 4: on the street and asked them to participate in a survey.
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  Speaker 4: And they've looked at how many people will tell the
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  Speaker 4: person that they have something on their face. And it
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  Speaker 4: turns out when they had like 150 people who were
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  Speaker 4: in this study, only about four said anything to this person.
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  Speaker 4: This is something they could clearly have done something about
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  Speaker 4: and would have wanted to know. And that's, you know,
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  Speaker 4: this really blatant situation where it's clear that there is
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  Speaker 4: something there that could be changed. And so you just
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  Speaker 4: imagine in a situation where it's a little more sensitive,
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  Speaker 4: where you're not entirely sure that the person would be
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  Speaker 4: open to this feedback. It just makes it that much
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  Speaker 4: more fraught.
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  Speaker 7: Takeaway one. Consider whether the feedback you give is actionable
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  Speaker 7: before weighing in. Oftentimes, If there's something someone can change
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  Speaker 7: or advice they can act on, they're more likely to
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  Speaker 7: want to hear your feedback. In some cases, the choice
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  Speaker 7: is pretty clear cut. If not, Vanessa has a few
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  Speaker 7: more research-based interventions that can help.
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  Speaker 4: One is remove yourself from the situation. Imagine that you're
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  Speaker 4: not the one who has to give the feedback. Imagine
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  Speaker 4: that someone else really good at giving feedback is going
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  Speaker 4: to be the one to give this feedback. Now ask yourself,
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  Speaker 4: should this feedback be given? And that way we're not
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  Speaker 4: anchoring on our own discomfort or our own worries about
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  Speaker 4: kind of being inarticulate or not particularly good at giving
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  Speaker 4: this feedback. But that will often give you the answer
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  Speaker 4: about whether someone really should give it and whether maybe
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  Speaker 4: in this case it's you, if you're the one with
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  Speaker 4: the information. The other thing that they try is having
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  Speaker 4: people imagine that they were in that situation. So of course,
• 7:27
  Speaker 4: when we think about, you know, what if I had
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  Speaker 4: something in my teeth? What if I had something on
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  Speaker 4: my face? we would want someone to tell us. And
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  Speaker 4: so once you kind of put yourself in the other
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  Speaker 4: person's situation, you realize, oh, you know, despite any momentary awkwardness,
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  Speaker 4: it's far worse to go around all day with no
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  Speaker 4: one having told you that. Let's imagine that someone comes
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  Speaker 4: in for an interview at your job and they do
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  Speaker 4: a really terrible job at the interview. And then let's
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  Speaker 4: imagine two possible outcomes. Maybe they still get the job
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  Speaker 4: even though they had this terrible interview and now they're
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  Speaker 4: your colleague. Should you tell them that their interview was terrible?
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  Speaker 4: Probably not at that point, right? What is that going
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  Speaker 4: to do?
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  Speaker 5: What does that serve? Exactly.
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  Speaker 4: But on the other hand, what if they don't get
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  Speaker 4: the job and now they're interviewing other places? There, it
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  Speaker 4: makes a lot of sense to ask them, would you
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  Speaker 4: like some feedback on your interview? You know, I was
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  Speaker 4: in the room. I have some thoughts if you'd like
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  Speaker 4: to hear them. And then they can actually use that information.
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  Speaker 7: Put yourself in the other person's shoes before sharing your
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  Speaker 7: full and honest opinion. Would you want to hear the thing?
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  Speaker 7: Would you want to hear it from you? And now?
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  Speaker 7: And in that way? If you're still not sure, take
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  Speaker 7: away two.
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  Speaker 5: Don't assume.
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  Speaker 7: Don't shy away from the conversation. Just ask.
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  Speaker 4: So we are not very good at figuring out what
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  Speaker 4: other people can handle and what they want to hear.
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  Speaker 4: So we can err in different directions. We can be
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  Speaker 4: kind of patronizing. and tell ourselves, oh, you know, I
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  Speaker 4: have some feedback, but I don't think that they could
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  Speaker 4: really handle it. Or I don't know if they could
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  Speaker 4: really take this feedback and run with it. And we're
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  Speaker 4: kind of making a decision for them that they're not
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  Speaker 4: ready or able to hear this honest feedback. On the
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  Speaker 4: other hand, we may just jump in and give feedback
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  Speaker 4: when it's not asked for this unsolicited feedback and not desired.
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  Speaker 4: So I did this myself recently, even having written this book,
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  Speaker 4: you know, I had a friend who was talking about
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  Speaker 4: this venture they were doing, and it was very close
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  Speaker 4: to my expertise. And I just started jumping in and
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  Speaker 4: giving feedback. And they were like, you know, I don't
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  Speaker 4: have the time to implement these things. And now I
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  Speaker 4: just feel bad about it. Like I missed all this stuff.
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  Speaker 4: And so to avoid those situations where you're holding back
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  Speaker 4: on feedback someone really wants or giving feedback they really
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  Speaker 4: don't want, the simplest way is to just ask someone,
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  Speaker 4: would you like some feedback on that? And then Put
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  Speaker 4: them in the driver's seat. You give them the autonomy.
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  Speaker 4: and then you respect their decision, whatever it might be.
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  Speaker 7: That's great advice. And then on the far other end,
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  Speaker 7: what about just abstaining from the conversation at all? Ghosting
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  Speaker 7: is something you talked about in your book. Why should
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  Speaker 7: that not be an option?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, ghosting is one of these things where we think
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  Speaker 4: that when people ghost, it's because they don't care. But
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  Speaker 4: it's often because they care and because it's so awkward
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  Speaker 4: to have a hard conversation with another person and tell
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  Speaker 4: them that they didn't get the job or that you
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  Speaker 4: don't want to date them anymore. And so we ghost
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  Speaker 4: because it just makes us feel so bad to hurt
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  Speaker 4: another person. But the other person ends up feeling like,
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  Speaker 4: not only am I being rejected, but I'm also being
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  Speaker 4: disrespected because this person is isn't even interacting with me
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  Speaker 4: and telling me why I'm being rejected. There's this element
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: of uncertainty. And so that silence can itself sort of
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  Speaker 4: mean something. We tend to worry so much about getting
• 11:00
  Speaker 4: the words right, but that actually means less to people
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  Speaker 4: than the fact that you actually made the effort to
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  Speaker 4: say something at all.
• 11:09
  Speaker 7: After the break, the art of good questions, sharing good news,
• 11:13
  Speaker 7: and the line between creating intimacy and oversharing.
• 11:21
  Speaker 8: Midlife brings a lot of changes. Your Turn with Alison
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  Speaker 8: twists and turns. From health and relationships to creativity and purpose,
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  Speaker 8: we can help steer your next chapter with Your Turn
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  Speaker 9: How might President Donald Trump's repeated attacks on the integrity
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  Speaker 9: of voting systems affect the midterm elections? Check out Fresh
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  Speaker 9: Air's interview with two election experts about what to expect.
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  Speaker 1: Every county election administrator, every person working at a local
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  Speaker 1: polling place might be on edge.
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  Speaker 9: Listen to Fresh Air on the NPR app or wherever
• 12:04
  Speaker 9: you listen to podcasts.
• 12:08
  Speaker 7: Let's talk about when to ask questions about other people's lives.
• 12:12
  Speaker 7: I think there can be a fine line between being
• 12:14
  Speaker 7: curious and friendly and maybe being a bit too nosy.
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  Speaker 4: So the research suggests that people like you more when
• 12:24
  Speaker 4: you're curious about them and want to get to know
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: them and ask in particular follow-up questions when you're having
• 12:31
  Speaker 4: a conversation, you know, so they start telling you a
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: story and you ask follow-up questions and they get to
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: talk about themselves and You get to know them. And
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: that's a really great way to increase closeness. And in fact,
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: the kinds of questions that increase closeness tend to be
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: more personal than we expect. So people feel more comfortable
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: sticking to these sort of everyday small talk pleasantries. But
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: if they actually go deeper and ask questions about like
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: the last time you cried or the person in your
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: family whose death is going to affect you the most.
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: Like these really personal questions. People tend to feel a
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: lot closer to the other person pretty quickly, especially when
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  Speaker 4: you're doing this kind of reciprocal disclosure.
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  Speaker 7: Takeaway three. Don't be afraid to go deep quickly when
• 13:23
  Speaker 7: you're trying to get to know someone. Asking the real
• 13:26
  Speaker 7: follow-up questions, cutting past politeness and the weather and getting
• 13:30
  Speaker 7: straight to the good stuff is a great way to
• 13:33
  Speaker 7: build intimacy. especially if those questions go in both directions.
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  Speaker 4: But then there's always this kind of boundary I like
• 13:40
  Speaker 4: to add, which is that you don't want to turn
• 13:42
  Speaker 4: into an interviewer and you don't want to treat someone
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: like a curiosity. And so you want to kind of
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: ask yourself, am I asking this to get to know
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  Speaker 4: someone better to the point where I want to keep
• 13:54
  Speaker 4: interacting with this person? Or am I asking this to
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: satisfy my own curiosity? And it's like, once I find
• 14:02
  Speaker 4: out the answer to this, I'm kind of done with
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: this person. And so my husband has this story about
• 14:08
  Speaker 4: right before he met me, he was dating this woman
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: who was six feet tall. And she said the reason
• 14:13
  Speaker 4: that she liked him initially is that when he started
• 14:18
  Speaker 4: talking to her, he didn't say anything about her height.
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: He didn't ask her if she played basketball or volleyball.
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: And she was like, everyone asked me about, you know,
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: the visible feature that distinguishes me from other people, this
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: thing that they're just curious about. But he just asked
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: her about what she thought of what they were doing
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: and about her opinions. And so he actually got to
• 14:37
  Speaker 4: know her instead of treating her like a curiosity.
• 14:40
  Speaker 7: What about sharing good news? I feel like it can
• 14:42
  Speaker 7: be challenging to not come off as braggy.
• 14:45
  Speaker 4: When I was researching this and back in the day
• 14:47
  Speaker 4: when I was interested in social support and close relationships,
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: I imagined social support as who you turn to when
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: things are going badly, right? When I'm having a hard time,
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: I lean on people. But I came across this research
• 15:04
  Speaker 4: by Shelly Gable and her colleagues. And it's all about
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: social support when things are going right. And it's who
• 15:11
  Speaker 4: you turn to when you're succeeding or you have happy
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  Speaker 4: news to share. And having people around you who are
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: there to celebrate the good things, it turns out, is
• 15:21
  Speaker 4: just as important as having people around to support you
• 15:24
  Speaker 4: when things are going poorly or things aren't so rosy.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 15:29
  Speaker 7: Absolutely. That promotion at work is so much sweeter when
• 15:31
  Speaker 7: you get to share it with your mom at the
• 15:33
  Speaker 7: dinner table and when you get to take everybody out
• 15:35
  Speaker 7: to dinner, that kind of thing.
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 15:37
  Speaker 4: The way I think about sharing good things now is
• 15:40
  Speaker 4: giving other people an opportunity to bask in your reflected glory,
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: to basically feel like, oh, I know someone who's doing
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: good things. And we all like to brag about our
• 15:51
  Speaker 4: friends and family who are doing cool things, like my
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: friend who's on Jeopardy or my cousin who works at NASA.
• 15:58
  Speaker 4: So it kind of gives people bragging rights and makes
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: them feel good by association.
• 16:04
  Speaker 7: Takeaway four. Your people aren't just there to help you
• 16:08
  Speaker 7: on the bad days. A support system can and should
• 16:12
  Speaker 7: celebrate your successes with you too. Maybe it feels a
• 16:15
  Speaker 7: bit vain to toot your own horn, but there can
• 16:18
  Speaker 7: be a real benefit to sharing your wins with other people.
• 16:22
  Speaker 7: It's a phenomenon called capitalization. It's this idea that when
• 16:26
  Speaker 7: we share good things with other people, we expand that goodness.
• 16:31
  Speaker 4: It's interesting because when researchers have asked people to recall
• 16:35
  Speaker 4: something good that happened to them and they just kind
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: of write it down or think about it to themselves,
• 16:40
  Speaker 4: you don't get the same happiness boost as when you
• 16:43
  Speaker 4: share it with another person. So it's not just about
• 16:46
  Speaker 4: reliving a good thing or reminding yourself that this good
• 16:50
  Speaker 4: thing happened. There's something really special about sharing it with
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: another person who reacts enthusiastically, and it just makes everybody happier,
• 16:59
  Speaker 4: including the other person.
• 17:01
  Speaker 7: Can we talk about disclosure and sharing bad news? I
• 17:06
  Speaker 7: know that the research tells us that being vulnerable with
• 17:08
  Speaker 7: other people can create connection, but how much of yourself
• 17:13
  Speaker 7: is too much to share with, say, a coworker or
• 17:16
  Speaker 7: a new acquaintance?
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so when we share things, we often worry that
• 17:23
  Speaker 4: if we share a failure or a vulnerability or something
• 17:28
  Speaker 4: that's happened to us that we think might paint us
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: in a bad light, that we worry that other people
• 17:33
  Speaker 4: won't like us as much. And it turns out that
• 17:36
  Speaker 4: that worry really does not bear out. So when we
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: share vulnerabilities, people tend to like us more. And that's
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: because when we share something, we're really sharing two things.
• 17:46
  Speaker 4: We're sharing the content of the information And then we're
• 17:50
  Speaker 4: also saying something by virtue of sharing something at all.
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: So we're saying, I trust you enough to share this
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: with you, which makes the other person feel good. And
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: I am a trustworthy person because I'm willing to be
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: open about these things. And that makes people like us more.
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: But the flip side, as you said, like sharing with
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: a coworker, there is some research suggesting that there are
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: times in which sharing can make people sort of question
• 18:15
  Speaker 4: your competence and whether you're really up for, you know,
• 18:19
  Speaker 4: a particular project right now, for example. So let's imagine
• 18:24
  Speaker 4: right before this interview, I tell you, you know, Andy,
• 18:28
  Speaker 4: my dog died yesterday. And my dog is fine, by
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: the way, but imagine that I said that.
• 18:34
  Speaker 7: Glad to hear. Yeah.
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: And you probably would feel closer to me suddenly, like
• 18:40
  Speaker 4: you kind of lean in, feel empathy. And that could
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: create this kind of bond and increase liking, right? Because
• 18:49
  Speaker 4: we lean in towards people who are suffering in some way.
• 18:52
  Speaker 4: At the same time, you might have in the back
• 18:55
  Speaker 4: of your head, like, oh, I hope this interview goes okay.
• 18:58
  Speaker 4: I hope she's up for this. And you might be
• 19:01
  Speaker 4: surprised if I turn around and actually can push through
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: it and do a good job. And so it kind
• 19:06
  Speaker 4: of shows the trade-offs of sharing vulnerabilities that people can
• 19:11
  Speaker 4: both feel closer to you and be a little worried
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: about your ability to get the job done.
• 19:18
  Speaker 7: Sometimes you can't help but have a bad day to overshare.
• 19:20
  Speaker 7: You go through a bad breakup. Oh no, we've become
• 19:22
  Speaker 7: too vulnerable. Is there any way to walk it back?
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: Yeah. So I mean, this is kind of like you've
• 19:28
  Speaker 4: become a Debbie Downer. And there is research showing that
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: basically negative outweighs positive. And so if we want to
• 19:38
  Speaker 4: think about like keeping kind of the balance of life
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: and just being authentic and sharing things. It's not really
• 19:45
  Speaker 4: a one-to-one balance, The negative stuff we complain about or
• 19:48
  Speaker 4: share sticks with people more than the positive. And so,
• 19:51
  Speaker 4: for example, if you've been complaining a bunch, a really
• 19:55
  Speaker 4: helpful thing is to audit, like, okay, what are the
• 19:58
  Speaker 4: last 10 conversations I've had with someone or five conversations?
• 20:02
  Speaker 4: And see if you've talked about more positive things or
• 20:06
  Speaker 4: shared more positive information than negative. Because that will feel
• 20:10
  Speaker 4: more balanced.
• 20:12
  Speaker 5: Takeaway five.
• 20:14
  Speaker 7: Being vulnerable with other people can foster connection. But before
• 20:18
  Speaker 7: opening up to someone, consider the setting as well as
• 20:21
  Speaker 7: your priorities for that conversation or relationship. If you want
• 20:25
  Speaker 7: to project professionalism and competence at the office, for example,
• 20:29
  Speaker 7: maybe gossiping in the hallway for all to hear right
• 20:32
  Speaker 7: before that staff meeting isn't the best idea. And negative
• 20:37
  Speaker 7: interactions are stickier than positive ones. So be mindful of
• 20:41
  Speaker 7: the picture of yourself you're painting for other people. Finally,
• 20:45
  Speaker 7: takeaway six, sometimes. The answer to, should I say something,
• 20:51
  Speaker 7: isn't black or white. When you're faced with all good
• 20:55
  Speaker 7: or all bad options, take a pause and then let
• 21:01
  Speaker 7: your personal values guide you.
• 21:04
  Speaker 4: I'd say the starting point is to buy yourself time
• 21:06
  Speaker 4: and actually take time to consider all your options. And
• 21:11
  Speaker 4: there may be more than two, which is a really
• 21:13
  Speaker 4: sort of important note. Take time to consider all your
• 21:16
  Speaker 4: options so that you feel like you actually processed, you
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: didn't just rush into something or make sort of a
• 21:22
  Speaker 4: gut decision, which is something that can lead us to regret,
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: particularly a difficult decision. So once you've taken time to
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: sort of consider your options, you can apply these classic
• 21:34
  Speaker 4: ethical frameworks. One is consequentialism, which is basically looking at, okay,
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: which of these two decisions helps the most people and
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: hurts the least number of people? Let's imagine that your
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: boss confides in you that a friend at work is
• 21:52
  Speaker 4: going to be laid off. And he says, please don't
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: share that with anybody. So you make this promise to
• 21:57
  Speaker 4: your boss that you're not going to share this information.
• 22:00
  Speaker 4: And then that friend at work comes up to you
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: and says, hey, do you happen to know anything about
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: the layoffs? Do you know if I'm getting laid off?
• 22:08
  Speaker 4: And so now you're in this bind, right? And it's
• 22:10
  Speaker 4: a right versus right bind because it's right to honor
• 22:13
  Speaker 4: the promise you've made and it's right to care about
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: your friend and want to do something to help them.
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: And so you could ask yourself, who's gonna be hurt
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: more by either of these decisions, by either breaking my
• 22:28
  Speaker 4: promise and sharing the secret or keeping the secret to myself?
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: you could ask yourself, what's a general rule that I
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: should use in this situation? And a lot of us
• 22:37
  Speaker 4: just kind of have a general rule in our minds,
• 22:39
  Speaker 4: such as you should always keep your promises. Some people
• 22:45
  Speaker 4: would say that in itself is a rule that you
• 22:48
  Speaker 4: just want to follow in all situations. Or some people
• 22:52
  Speaker 4: might say you should always be loyal to your friends.
• 22:54
  Speaker 4: And so they might say, that's the rule that's most
• 22:56
  Speaker 4: important to me. And then the last one is the
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: golden rule. And that's ask yourself if you were in
• 23:02
  Speaker 4: this person's position what would you want them to do
• 23:06
  Speaker 4: and so that also can kind of illuminate these dilemmas.
• 23:09
  Speaker 7: A little bit Vanessa Bonds thank you so much thank
• 23:12
  Speaker 7: you all right let's recap takeaway one to decide whether
• 23:19
  Speaker 7: to say something consider the value and the purpose behind
• 23:23
  Speaker 7: the truth you want to share is this information actionable
• 23:27
  Speaker 7: if the shoe was on the other foot is this
• 23:28
  Speaker 7: something you would want to hear takeaway two If still
• 23:32
  Speaker 7: in doubt about whether or not to share feedback, just ask.
• 23:36
  Speaker 7: Takeaway three. If you're really trying to get to know someone,
• 23:40
  Speaker 7: don't waste time on fluff. Ask the question that's really
• 23:43
  Speaker 7: on your mind. Get curious about their hopes or fears
• 23:47
  Speaker 7: or childhood. But make sure the interest is reciprocated. Making
• 23:51
  Speaker 7: someone feel like they're in a hot seat or a
• 23:53
  Speaker 7: fishbowl isn't a great way to build closeness. Takeaway four.
• 23:58
  Speaker 7: Don't be afraid to brag about yourself now and then
• 24:00
  Speaker 7: to the people you care about. Good news shared with
• 24:04
  Speaker 7: good company is sweeter for all involved. Takeaway five, vulnerability
• 24:10
  Speaker 7: can create connection. But be discerning and intentional about it.
• 24:16
  Speaker 7: There are better and worse times for opening up to
• 24:19
  Speaker 7: other people, especially in workplace settings. Finally, takeaway six, sometimes
• 24:25
  Speaker 7: there's no right way to answer if you should say something.
• 24:29
  Speaker 7: In those scenarios, let your own moral compass guide you.
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: That was LifeKit reporter Andy Tegel. One more thing before
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: we go. Do you follow LifeKit in.
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• 24:40
  Speaker 3: Why not go ahead and do it right now? Just
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• 24:45
  Speaker 3: of LifeKit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. It was
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: edited by Sylvie Douglas. Our digital editor is Malika Garib
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: and our visuals editor is CJ Rikalan. Megan Cain is
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: our senior supervising editor and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer.
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: Our production team also includes Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: from Simon Laszlo Jansen. Fact-checking by Andrea Lopez Cruzado. I'm
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: Mariel Cigarra. Thanks for listening.
• 25:43
  Speaker 5: Hi there, I'm Brittany Luce, and not to brag, but
• 25:46
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• 25:49
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