Latest / Something to Say / Ep 07: The Situation with Situationships

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Ep 07: The Situation with Situationships · Something to Say

• 0:26
  Hello, everyone.
• 0:28
  Welcome back to another episode of Something to Say with me, Curry Badshah, AKA Amrutha.
• 0:36
  Okay, I am wondering if today's topic, the title of today's episode, is something that really reeled you in and went,"Oh, I gotta listen to this one." If it is, then I'm even more excited that you're here, because it's gonna be a good one.
• 0:52
  And if you're just a pal and you've just been here and following along, I still very much appreciate you because today is a good one.
• 1:03
  But before we get into it, we have to time stamp this.
• 1:05
  Let's start.
• 1:06
  It is...
• 1:07
  Today at the time of recording, it is September 15th.
• 1:10
  Now, September went by it just started and it's also gone by so quickly.
• 1:15
  I am actually...
• 1:17
  This is coming out September 16th, mainly because the first two weeks of this month went by so fast for me, and I also have already recorded my, my next episode with a guest.
• 1:29
  It's a good one.
• 1:29
  Stay tuned.
• 1:30
  But for my solo episode, I was like,"Oh my God, I haven't even put that out yet.
• 1:34
  I have to record." And I've had this topic in mind for a minute, but I just haven't sat- I don't know, I just haven't had the time to sit down and get this recording done.
• 1:48
  But I've made time for it today.
• 1:49
  So yeah.
• 1:50
  It's gonna be a quick turnaround for record and publish and- it's a good one.
• 1:55
  What else?
• 1:56
  If you're Hindu like me, it was recently Ganesh Chaturthi.
• 2:00
  I'm wearing my, I have a chain that I always keep with me, and it's from my grandfather, who's passed away now for many years.
• 2:06
  But I always used to...
• 2:07
  It has a Ganesha on one side and Murga Kartikeya the other side.
• 2:13
  And I, for some reason, always have considered it a lucky I don't know, like a lucky chain, a lucky coin kind of thing.
• 2:24
  And when I was little, I used to stick it in my mouth all the time.
• 2:26
  I don't know.
• 2:27
  It's obviously you're not supposed to do that because God.
• 2:30
  But yeah, I don't know why I used to stick it in my mouth all the time, and now I always carry it with me.
• 2:36
  It's always in my wallet.
• 2:37
  And every now and then I'll take it out and wear it.
• 2:40
  And every time I think I've lost it, I have always found it, even to the extent that one time I was wearing it in college, and I was wearing it for a dance performance.
• 2:54
  I was in a collegiate dance team.
• 2:56
  Side note about Best of the Best coming out on Netflix very excited for that'cause I was on a collegiate dance team.
• 3:02
  But I was on a dance team.
• 3:04
  We had performed, and I guess I was wearing it, or I think I...
• 3:08
  I think what happened was I took it off.
• 3:09
  I stu- stuck it in my pocket to just put back on later'cause otherwise it was gonna hit me in the face when I jumped and danced.
• 3:16
  And then, as you did in college, you went to after-parties and went to, whatever.
• 3:22
  And I was like,"I lost the chain." And I backtracked my steps from, like, where we performed to where we went to party and was like, out on the grou- looking all over, and I couldn't find it.
• 3:37
  But then it turned out that someone found it while cleaning or whatever.
• 3:42
  Some-someone cleaned it.
• 3:43
  Someone cleaned the space, told the organizers,"Hey, we found this chain," and I got it back.
• 3:49
  So I don't know.
• 3:50
  I...
• 3:51
  That's not just the only story, but every time I've think I've lost it, I have found it.
• 3:55
  And so I keep it in my, I keep it with me at all times, or most of the time.
• 4:03
  And even though I'm not wearing it, but it was easy for me to be like,"Oh, it's Ganesh Chaturthi.
• 4:08
  I should put this on at least."'Cause I didn't really, quote,"celebrate" any other way.
• 4:13
  I did get some Sonpapdi from a neighbor, and shout out to Shruti.
• 4:19
  And- It was orange songpyeon.
• 4:23
  Now, when I say orange songpyeon, you're like,"The color of it was orange, like a saffron or whatever." Yeah, that's what I thought, but it was flavored orange, and that was a trip because I was not expecting it.
• 4:38
  I just went,"Oh, great." You know what?
• 4:40
  I didn't go out to buy mittai and stu- and I was...
• 4:42
  I don't make...
• 4:43
  i've helped my mom make modaks at at home, but I live far away from my mom, so I didn't make any or buy any or anything like that.
• 4:52
  So I was like,"Oh, it's fine.
• 4:53
  Oh, at least I've got some solan papdi that's pretty good." And I go to eat it, and I was like,"This tastes...
• 5:00
  It almost tastes like it's orange soda flavor in a solan papdi." I don't know how to explain it, but it was weird.
• 5:10
  I'll probably eat a few more pieces.
• 5:12
  I don't have the heart to throw it away because I did technically offer it.
• 5:17
  Like the most that I did was just, I don't know, just'cause I felt like I should do something was like I lit an incense and I said some prayers and I had sweets, so I was like,"Offer to God, of course," and all that.
• 5:32
  And then I ate and I was like,"Whoa, that's weird." So again, I don't have the heart to throw it out because it's prasad.
• 5:38
  But like it's offerings.
• 5:40
  But that's gonna be tough to finish.
• 5:44
  Or maybe I'll get used to it.
• 5:45
  I don't know.
• 5:45
  I guess stay tuned, we'll find out.
• 5:47
  But speaking of also dance and Best of the Best and being in college on a dance team I am also a Bharatanatyam dancer and so I also went back to dance class recently.
• 5:58
  I've been dancing for 30 years,'cause I was five when I started.
• 6:01
  I'm 35 now.
• 6:02
  And if you are in your 30s and are consider- were a dancer or are a dancer and go to class, like a regular class, like kudos to you because I think the best thing about being in a weekly dance class in your mid, in your 30s in general I guess, is the fact that there's no mom nagging you to practice.
• 6:29
  But that means that when you're a disappointment it's solely, like it's p- it's 100% on yourself that you're the disappointment that you did not practice.
• 6:38
  So that's where, that's me.
• 6:41
  I do not practice enough, which is not good.
• 6:44
  I, 90% of the time if I have practiced it's that I watched the video the day of class on my way to class in the parking lot just before going in for class, so that I'm not 100% not knowing what's happening.
• 7:00
  But but yeah.
• 7:02
  So- Shout out to dance class.
• 7:05
  Shout out to dance class and other other listeners who go to dance class or any other class, just to keep up with something.
• 7:15
  That's why I go still is not for any big reason, but just to remind my body how to do it, how to do the art form.
• 7:25
  And I almost consider it the bare minimum of a workout.
• 7:30
  Which is also something that I need to be better about is just working out in general.
• 7:34
  But we have up and down weeks of productivity at the gym.
• 7:41
  If you listened to my last episode with my guest, Vaidehi, you know a little exclusive that I went on a first date with a guy that I met at the bar.
• 7:51
  If you are also following me on Instagram and remember that some time ago I said I met a really hot guy at a bar and I was like,"I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again, but ten out of ten interaction," and I'm happy about that.
• 8:09
  We went on our first date some time ago, but since then we've had many dates.
• 8:16
  We also celebrated his 40th birthday together.
• 8:20
  He knows about the podcast, and I'm also seeing him tomorrow.
• 8:25
  So that's to say that everything's going really well so far.
• 8:30
  And when there is something more to say or that I want to say, will share it.
• 8:35
  But for now, I'm really enjoying this bubble.
• 8:37
  But what I will say is that I wouldn't be who I am today and how I function with my current romantic interest if it wasn't for today's topic, the situation with my situationship.
• 8:53
  So I've known for a minute that I want to talk about situationships, and it's possible that I just-- I, I know it gets such a bad rap but m- I'm wondering if it's just my situationship was unique and I don't know.
• 9:12
  The situationship that I had was actually really beautiful, and it contributed really heavily to me honestly being who I am today.
• 9:21
  Like- There is a part, and there's gonna be a lot of Sex and the City tie-ins to this, or maybe not a lot, but, like, when rewatching, I was like,"Ah,""I understand." But Carrie asks a question of do we think previous relationships are haunting?
• 9:40
  And I personally do think every previous relationship, whether it's casual, friendship, hookup, situationship, et cetera, I think they're always a lesson learned.
• 9:53
  And that's just everything in life, right?
• 9:55
  Everything is a lesson learned, and it informs who you are today and how you might respond tomorrow to something, as opposed to how you typically end up responding.
• 10:09
  I think my particular situationship worked quote, worked because I think I was the problem or the toxic one.
• 10:23
  You hear a lot about the guy being, like, wishy-washy or breadcrumbing or whatever, and the girl just being like,"Oh my God, he can't, like, fricking commit," or whatever.
• 10:36
  But I think I was the toxic one where I very specifically didn't see him as a partner or having partner potential.
• 10:47
  And I was only interested in, the chemistry that we had.
• 10:52
  I even had some, some friends recently be like,"Yeah, I did not understand also what you saw in him." And the, the funny thing is that I also I yes, I was attracted to him, but I also did tell him, I was like, t- typically I would not be.
• 11:06
  I don't know what it was.
• 11:08
  I think just the, his charisma and something was really electric there.
• 11:13
  That chemistry was just We both felt it.
• 11:17
  And, that's fun, and you like That's a fun high to ride when that chemistry is just there.
• 11:24
  So I was very open with him about the fact that"Hey I'm looking for something very specific." I was like,"He's not South Asian," and I was like,"I'm interested in someone South Asian for a serious relationship." And and not only is that what my family wants, but that's something that I want.
• 11:45
  And I don't know.
• 11:47
  I think I I had limited myself, and I was open with him about,"Hey I'm going on a date." Or, I was still on Vilmil going on dates.
• 11:56
  And I did eventually learn that he he has been in polyamorous relationships before.
• 12:02
  And so I'm sure that is also another contributing factor that he was just okay with it.
• 12:07
  He was very chill, and we had a lot of trust between each other.
• 12:11
  But yeah, I was still on Vilmil going on dates insisting I was trying to find my husband, and he was like,"Cool." And he'd be like"Hey, do you wanna hang out tomorrow?" And I'd be like,"Oh, you know what?
• 12:21
  I have a date, so maybe not," or whatever, and he'd be like,"Oh, okay, cool." And he would actually ask me,"So how'd your date go?" And I would talk to him as though he was, like, a girlfriend bestie, and be like,"Oh my God, you would not believe.
• 12:34
  This guy da..." And he would always be willing to come to my rescue.
• 12:39
  There was this one instance where I went out with a guy who I was like,"Oh my God, he smelled so bad." But I felt bad because otherwise the guy was, like, really genuinely nice and all that, but I could not focus because the s- the, the smell was just intense.
• 12:55
  And I was feeling guilty, and I was like,"Do I say something?
• 12:59
  Maybe I'm willing to go on a second date with him because the first...
• 13:02
  maybe this doesn't count," and all this stuff.
• 13:05
  And he was very...
• 13:06
  He was like,"Why were..." He was like,"First of all, why'd you spend an hour with this guy?
• 13:10
  You could have made it 30 minutes, and then came up with an excuse and left." Or you could, like...
• 13:15
  He was like,"You could have ca- you could have told me SOS, and I would have come and pretended to be a crazy ex or something like that to bail you out." But then he also was like,"Hey let's be real for a second.
• 13:28
  Guys gotta...
• 13:29
  men have to know how to show up on a date.
• 13:31
  You shower, you k- carry deodorant with you.
• 13:34
  S- spray some, spray yourself just before you get out of the car.
• 13:38
  Come on.
• 13:38
  Every sitcom has, every sitcom we watched growing up has, has the guy s- spraying his breath or spraying his pits to make sure he smel- smells good for the ladies." And he's like,"That's not an excuse, and you have to keep your standards up." And I was just like,"Yes.
• 13:55
  This is stuff I need to hear." And this is this man that I was, like, in this situationship te- like, telling me that.
• 14:03
  He was like,"No, you deserve this good...
• 14:06
  you deserve the best, and you de- you don't need to make excuses for this guy.
• 14:11
  It's okay." And I was like,"You're so right." We just had that kind of what's the word?
• 14:18
  I ke- I keep using the word chemistry'cause I don't know what else to use, but we had that kind of friendship And then what like the ro- romantic or sexual chemistry, let's just say, let's just say it once at least, that would like, it would like flip a switch, and we'd be so into each other, and then we could go back to joking and being like besties.
• 14:42
  So it was crazy how simpatico we just were.
• 14:47
  And it was just comforting also.
• 14:51
  There was something about that relationship that was comforting.
• 14:54
  We both did not hook up with other people also.
• 14:59
  So the weird like exclusivity component in that was just there, and yes, I do trust him and believe him because I also was like,"I have no reason to distrust him." Because I was also like, even if he did hook up with someone else, I'm like,"We're not in a committed relationship with each other." So like who...
• 15:17
  Like even if he does, like that's fine.
• 15:21
  But...
• 15:22
  And I the funny thing is that like we would say to each other once in a while like, you could hook up with other people." And we'd be like,"Yeah, I know." It was like,"But I haven't.""Okay." Like that, we just didn't.
• 15:38
  And I did later on ask him also"Did you ever?" And he was like,"No, I really didn't." He was like,"I never really was like-" Looking at other people like that or anything, like it just...
• 15:49
  He's like,"It, I wasn't trying and I wasn't not trying.
• 15:52
  I just, it wasn't a thing.
• 15:53
  I was pretty content with what we had." And so isn't that crazy?
• 16:00
  That's that's again, it was a situationship because we literally never talked about being together as girlfriend and boyfriend.
• 16:10
  As a romantic couple, he, like we always showed up for each other and supported each other in so many ways, and he would always refer to me as his date, and I would also be like this, and I followed suit and I'd be like,"Yeah, this is my date." Friends did not get it.
• 16:26
  He told me people in his life were like,"Yeah, your girlfriend." He'd be like,"Whoa whoa.
• 16:30
  She's not my girlfriend, okay?
• 16:31
  We are just dating." And I would tell my friends"He's not my boyfriend." I would actually refer to him as my practice boyfriend, and that it was a reminder of, to myself what it was like to have one, and to get comfortable with like the acts of service and just having a man around for stuff.
• 16:52
  And like reminding myself how good cuddles feel.
• 16:55
  But otherwise until then I was always like pushing them out or away because I was just used to being on my own and just getting what I needed out of guys and being like,"Cool, bye." So it took Mr.
• 17:13
  DJ, it was my code name for him to really come in and then I, it was a practice that I would be able to say,"Hey, can you do this for me?" Or,"Can you do that for me?" Or what it was like to just- Be with someone while I was still in pursuit of someone else, right?
• 17:33
  Toxic.
• 17:34
  What a red flag.
• 17:35
  Me, I was the red flag.
• 17:40
  But Carrie and Aidan speaking...
• 17:44
  like referring back to Sex and the City, she tell- Carrie tells Aidan at some point like if he starts helping her out and she gets used to that, and then things don't work out, what will become of her?
• 17:56
  And that's also very much how I was, speaking of like pushing men away, is that I would be like,"I don't wanna r- rely on a man to do these things for me, or be my comfort, or be my joy, or anything like that, because then if that goes away then I have to do all the work anyway.
• 18:19
  So I might as well just keep doing the work." And so in some ways it's like, yes, I know what makes me happy, I know what brings me peace, I know what makes me content, so I know how I want another person to contribute to those things.
• 18:33
  Or if I'm like,"Hey, in this particular instance, I know that this will bring me peace, so I need to go do that on my own." Or is it that,"Hey, this particular bring thing brings me peace, so if you can't do that for me, or with me, or encourage, or support, or whatever with me then we need to talk about that." So but Carrie does eventually learn that a boyfriend can really be there for you to help you if you let him.
• 19:01
  And so that is what I think my learnings the lessons learned with Mr.
• 19:10
  DJ, like I think that's really what that was that like learning that someone can really be there to be your comfort, and joy, and just kinda take care of the little things.
• 19:22
  Because the thing that I really started to realize with him was also that I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• 19:32
  So- With Mr.
• 19:35
  DJ, I kept expecting there to be something that he was gonna do or say or something that would make me go,"And that's why we couldn't be together.
• 19:49
  That's why I couldn't actually be with him." Yeah, he's great.
• 19:52
  Yeah, he's great in all these other ways, but there's gonna be that one thing, just watch, that's coming.
• 19:57
  And yeah, there were other little things that really annoyed me, but I would keep saying"But we're not together-together, so that doesn't bother me because it doesn't...
• 20:04
  It's not gonna directly affect my future." He vaped a shit ton Vaped so much and to the point where it was, like, under his pillow.
• 20:13
  And I'd be like,"My God." And he was like,"I know.
• 20:15
  It's like baby needs his pacifier.
• 20:17
  I know it's bad." But as much as I hated it, I was like, whatever.
• 20:21
  Not...
• 20:22
  it's not gonna contribute to my future, and his health, his future health problems are not my concern'cause it's not my future.
• 20:31
  So I w- kept looking for that thing...
• 20:35
  Or not looking.
• 20:37
  Sorry, that's wrong.
• 20:37
  I wasn't looking for the thing.
• 20:39
  I just kept expecting the thing to come.
• 20:42
  There was one thing where he said that he didn't want to...
• 20:45
  And I knew this pretty early on, that he didn't see himself being a, a father until he was in his 40s, and he was a few...
• 20:51
  He was, like, two years younger than me.
• 20:53
  And but that also was something that I was like,"Whatever." Again, doesn't concern my future'cause we're not together.
• 20:59
  And the other factor of that, though, is that he was so good with kids and really liked kids otherwise that would just warm my heart when I would see that.
• 21:09
  But again,'cause I wasn't thinking about the future with him, I...
• 21:13
  It didn't matter.
• 21:15
  But the other things I experienced with him were really wonderful.
• 21:20
  He genuinely made me happy.
• 21:22
  I found myself appreciating him a lot.
• 21:26
  He would reach out and apologize for being busy.
• 21:28
  If it would have been a few days he would be like,"Hey, I'm sorry I've been so busy." I was never worried about is he ghosting?
• 21:36
  He would show up on his own.
• 21:37
  He would call.
• 21:38
  He would text, and he would be like,"Hey, I've been busy with X, Y, and Z," and he would give me the whole story and be like,"And then this thing and then that thing and then this thing and then that thing, but, like, how are you?
• 21:47
  What's going on with you?
• 21:48
  I miss you." He would literally tell me that he missed me.
• 21:52
  He's even left me messages letting me know that"Hey, I know you're busy doing X, Y, Z with fa- whatever, but I just wanna let you know I miss you.
• 22:00
  Okay, bye." Like- I feel like I sound insane.
• 22:06
  But despite all of that, I still was like,"Nah, we can't be together." Insane.
• 22:14
  I thought about it a few times.
• 22:15
  There were some instances where it- we would get...
• 22:18
  end up being very couple-y.
• 22:20
  Like, and I would think"Oh, this is so nice." And"Maybe we could be a thing," or, I don't know.
• 22:27
  I would have those thoughts of,"Wow, we really feel like we're, like, a full-fledged couple right now." But then I would keep getting that nagging feeling of no, watch him be a disappointment, watch something happen, and i'm just...
• 22:42
  I, it's just cuffing season, and so I...
• 22:44
  it feels good to have someone, so that's why.
• 22:45
  I would make excuses for myself.
• 22:49
  But I did eventually wake up and realize, and by the time I realized that actually all of this dating, all of this other pursuits, like, noth- nothing is going right.
• 23:05
  But this guy is really amazing, and like rubbing my back when I have period cramps, and just coming o- like, bringing me lemonade when I ask for it, coming over to just cuddle just because I feel like shit.
• 23:19
  And I'm like, next thing you know, a y- a whole year has gone by since I first met him.
• 23:25
  Maybe we should have a real conversation about being together.
• 23:32
  Nothing else is working but he's really great, and I found myself comparing other guys to him thinking that like, ugh, we're not even together, but yet he can do all these things.
• 23:44
  Why can't these other guys?
• 23:46
  'Cause it seem, it doesn't seem that hard.
• 23:48
  But yeah, by the time I had that thought and said, let me talk to him about it," he said the most heart-shattering thing.
• 23:57
  He said,"I met someone, and I wanna give it a real shot with them and be in a relationship." And it happened on the day that I was planning to essentially ask him out and be like,"Hey, we should go on a date and talk about us,'cause I think we could actually be something more real." And to hear that he wanted to be, quote, something more real with someone else, man, I took that really hard, and it was such a big lesson in the fact that we can really get in our own way sometimes in not realizing something great when it's right in front of us.
• 24:50
  And with all that I think I, I'd like...
• 24:56
  not I'd like to think, but I do think that it was the lesson I needed in getting out of my own way.
• 25:11
  There's another point in the, in Sex and the City as well, where Carrie said it's like towards the end, I believe, of the series, where she's like she doesn't wanna have a fling, she feels too old for it, and realizes that when we're younger we're more about having a great time, and when you get older you're trying to find your you're less likely to just try to have fun and try something out because you prefer the promise of something certain.
• 25:37
  And this whole experience with Mr.
• 25:41
  DJ honestly ended up making me more, quote,"shy", which is such a weird thing to say because I'm clearly not a shy personality, right?
• 25:55
  I'm on here talking.
• 25:56
  I'm really chatty and I gesture a lot.
• 25:58
  I just...
• 25:59
  What happened was that I have...
• 26:02
  I'm not as flirty as I used to be because I'm no longer just seeking the fun of it all.
• 26:12
  Not being able to see the great thing in front of me when I had it Is me getting in my own way because I kept looking for something else.
• 26:22
  So I needed that growth, that certainty that we crave as we get older, or at least in my situation as I got older, I was like,"Oh, yeah, I do want that certainty." But I think...
• 26:36
  But for me I needed this lesson to realize that, that certainty is also something that we can ask for, and not only ask for it, but be truly ready for it The guy that I am seeing now, I know I said I was gonna talk too much about him, but it does inform things.
• 26:58
  Even though it's still relatively new-ish, I know exactly where he stands.
• 27:03
  And ironically, I know exactly what he wants because he is the one who asked me.
• 27:09
  I told you that he recently turned 40, or I mentioned that he recently turned 40, and so I think something about him being the older one and knowing what he wants, and him being the upfront one about it, put me at ease to be like,"Okay, not only have I told you exactly what I'm looking for," because he asked me.
• 27:34
  He asked me"What are..." He asked me early in"What are you looking for in a future partner?" I assume based on, with my answer and all that, he's like you're probably ready to get married in the next couple of years." And I was like,"Yeah I am if it works out with the right person and all." And he asked about kids.
• 27:55
  I was like,"Absolutely want kids, gotta have more than one.
• 27:58
  I have a sibling." I always believe that there's that, I love having a sibling, and so I would want to have two kids at the very least.
• 28:05
  He also has a sibling, and so he's"All right, cool." And then because trauma's hard to just kick it took three, four dates for me to be like,"Hey, you know how you asked me all those things and I told you'Yes, I want all these things?' I'm just gonna verify with you that you also want those things," because I didn't want it to become a thing where you asked me those questions and you got the answers from me, but then it's just"Oh, I understand that you want it, but I don't want it.
• 28:29
  But I was just clarifying with you that's what you want." And it turns out that's not what he wants.
• 28:34
  And he just kinda looked at me and was like, y- yes, I would also like to get married and have kids.
• 28:44
  Is that okay?" And I was like,"Okay, good.
• 28:47
  Yeah.
• 28:47
  Yeah." But that certainty is there.
• 28:53
  So in asking for that certainty or clarifying all that certainty, like we are able to just enjoy getting to know each other.
• 29:03
  And I don't know, I guess that's a little bit of like extra advice also is that like you might as well get that certainty.
• 29:09
  But it's really funny that, That the tables were turned almost in that way, that he got it out of me as soon as he possibly could.
• 29:21
  So while my situationship had its own situation, I credit it a lot to who I am today and how I am today.
• 29:33
  And mind you, it's been like two or three years.
• 29:38
  So since that situationship since then I started podcasting.
• 29:44
  I deleted all my dating apps and decided that, you know what?
• 29:48
  I, because I met Mr.
• 29:49
  DJ in the wild, I was like, granted it didn't end the way that I wanted it to, anybody that I've met organically has been, has contributed to my growth and made me feel more fulfilled than anybody that I met off an app.
• 30:06
  So I th- I started to realize that you know what?
• 30:08
  Maybe that's the factor there.
• 30:10
  Maybe I need to meet someone organically.
• 30:12
  And so I deleted all my dating apps.
• 30:14
  I started journaling a lot more.
• 30:15
  Of course, I was going to therapy.
• 30:18
  I also stopped hooking up.
• 30:20
  I stopped seeking it.
• 30:21
  I stopped wanting it.
• 30:22
  I stopped needing it.
• 30:23
  I stopped needing that thrill.
• 30:25
  I stopped needing that itch, like or, needing to scratch that itch.
• 30:30
  I didn't desire meaningless hookups anymore.
• 30:34
  I stopped, quote,"living for the plot," and I just really focused on myself and really zeroed in on what I truly want and what am I doing to work to towards that, that thing, the things that I want.
• 30:52
  What am I doing to contribute towards that being the outcome?
• 30:57
  And it took time, obviously.
• 31:00
  And I don't ever think we're ever...
• 31:04
  We, I don't think we ever achieve 100% because I think we are ever-evolving as people, and life is always, up and down.
• 31:12
  The needle always moves.
• 31:14
  So I don't think we ever get 100% to anything, but I do feel really great about the direction that I'm going in.
• 31:25
  So with that, I hope today's topic and story was entertaining and maybe opened your eyes or ears to something that you needed.
• 31:39
  Thanks for listening, and I'll see you in the next one