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Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the Just -Humility and the Trap of Entitlement 3.23.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

• 0:00
  All right, Kashini, who is Filata El Bano?
• 0:05
  It is fundamental when you talk about how a person applies
• 0:10
  humility in action. So we discussed literally how
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  you carry yourself physically, how you walk, talk and sit,
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  which means if you walk in a heavy way and such a thing as
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  walking in a heavy way, it's a real thing.
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  Arrogant people know exactly how to walk, when to walk in, how to
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  walk in with the head out eye. That's a real level of
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  arrogance. Talk is clear, being
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  intimidating. People don't really recognize
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  this. If a person is an intimidating,
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  scary person, then they may just be an old timer, find something
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  else. But if they're a regular person
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  and somehow people are afraid to talk to them, people are nervous
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  when they're around them. There's an indication that the
• 0:54
  person we were referring to has a strong degree of arrogance
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  because if he's intimidating, that means you're afraid he's
• 1:00
  going to lash out. It means you're afraid that he's
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  going to be upset at you. It means you're afraid of what
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  he thinks. These all reflect him carrying
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  himself, and you're sort of judgmental, sort of strong, sort
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  of. I believe I'm in power.
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  Wait. And it's the final.
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  The other idea was regarding sitting where you sit, literally
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  where you sit, which means ensure if you feel the band the
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  front row or by event or by even a holiday meal.
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  If you're very particular about sitting in the front and you say
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  it because you don't want to be out of the action, but it's also
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  because you don't want to be disrespected and you don't feel
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  like you should be behind whenever else is front.
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  All the radio classic arguments people make for their humble
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  reason of being sarcastic. The humble reason the.
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  Bad girls for the mourners. Bad girl I understand, but the
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  less less less. So I can understand your person
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  avoiding that, but even that's not true.
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  When does the mourner, they sit there, but really it's not true.
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  But this idea a people demand a certain level of treatment and
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  the way they sit as an example of that reflects A mindset that
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  I deserve better. That's not the way I walk or the
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  way I talk. That's the way I sit.
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  In other words, what I feel I deserve.
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  And that right there is a sense of entitlement.
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  And entitlement is a reflection of arrogance because entitlement
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  means that I have something coming to me.
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  Entitled to mean translator, who is entitled to mean I am
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  entitled? Something has got me here.
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  Something has provided that I should be in this position.
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  And what that means is I believe I'm well off.
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  I believe I'm famous other than I should be.
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  Excuse me, I believe I should be recognized and all these things
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  reflect our degree of ours. And it's clear, quite simple.
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  If someone feels entitled to be served first, to sit in the
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  front, to be treated with respect, to be given the first
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  Aaliyah, all right, He's all collections to be addressed
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  first in a conversation, wherever it may be.
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  These are all examples of 1. Believing it's coming to him and
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  coming to you means you feel entitled and you feel entitled.
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  That reflects arrogance so far. When?
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  There's an old man's in the front row.
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  Someone that you? Old man.
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  In other words, you know you have say no he want to teach the
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  people to miss or ah, he's an important people.
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  Why does a person go from the back to the front floor?
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  Beautiful. First of all, you hardly ever
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  want to demand it. That's probably one.
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  And second of all, you are right, which is a fundamental
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  point. And that is this topic of
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  respect from our point of view. Well, sometimes real conflict be
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  a conflict to the topic that I just told you, which means if I
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  have a person who's great, let's say you take even an elderly man
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  or a great rabbi or your grandparents.
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  And the, the, the requirement is that when they're walking to the
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  room, the whole family stands up, right?
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  Or at least everyone addresses him and respects him.
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  And you say, but from, from their point of view, that's the
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  case. But from your point of view,
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  should he be demanding that? Shouldn't his mind he be
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  expecting that? And in a certain sense, kind of
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  terribly, yes, not demanding, but he should be expecting that.
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  And that should be the proper protocol from both points of
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  view. How does it play into inside the
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  of arrogance? And the answer is when you're in
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  a position of respect, usually the respect is not for you.
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  The respect is for what you represent, general.
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  So a father is a father figure, not so much me, but the father
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  figure and the grandfather. Same thing, a rabbi, it's a
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  tada. Not the rabbi, it's a tada.
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  Which means the way the mindset should be is that what I'm
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  giving respect to such a person? I'm respecting what they
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  represent. When they're receiving their
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  respect, they should be thinking I didn't do anything to deserve
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  this. I'm blessed because how does a
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  grandfather have this same mind, which is thank you Arshan for
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  being in this position for the grandchildren that I'm gifted
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  with. At the same time, that
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  grandfather also is commanding and demanding respect.
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  How does how does that humility and that sort of demand playing
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  to each other? The commonality is in scenarios
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  of respect. The theme is just that.
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  The theme is that arrogance. The theme is that I deserve it.
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  The theme is those people should be given respect to that title.
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  Now I may be the person carrying that title and that therefore
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  means I deserve the respect in the position that I'm in, but it
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  is not coming from power, arrogance, entitlement and stuff
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  like that. It's rather coming from they
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  should be giving respect to that title.
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  I am the one carrying along that title and that therefore means I
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  get respect. Should I be humble?
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  Sure. This is a Godzilla door who
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  walks with the room and 20,000 people jump up fame once in a
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  while. Should he work on his humility?
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  Of course he does, and of course he has to.
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  Shouldn't matter if he doesn't. He is running a great risk.
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  Literally to David's point. Because if he ever in his mind
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  believes that I'm walking into a stadium and I deserve that
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  cheers and that standing up and that singing a song my name and
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  he believes he deserves it, wow, that's dangerous as extremely,
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  extremely dangerous. That can easily translate into
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  the arrogance. Most of these people could care
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  less for this stuff, but then what's the process?
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  Instead? It's a process of respect.
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  It's a different category. It does cross over to a person
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  deserving to be treated well, which may seem like demanding
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  covert, and it might seem like demanding a play into my
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  arrogance. Hopefully they stay separate and
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  hopefully it's not an individual being entitled, waving his
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  power, saying I deserve it and that road.
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  Instead, it's a situation of where they need to give respect.
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  And I understand I'm the one who's carrying that title, which
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  deserves respect. And therefore I'm going to take
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  it. And therefore I'm even going to
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  enjoy it. And I relish in the fact that my
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  grandchildren treat me well and that they stand up for me.
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  And I'm going to like the fact that a rabbi gets respect, not
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  that I get respect or that I feel like I deserve it because
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  what I've done in my life, that's a problem.
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  See the difference there? Is that a clear difference?
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  Do they have the potential of crisscrossing and creating your
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  problem? Sure they do.
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  Does a A, for example, I'll give you a clear example.
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  If a rabbi would, let's say, walk at the room and he's a big
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  guy door, excuse me, and they don't treat him well.
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  All right, getting upset. There's another animal we'll get
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  to in a second, but even mine is getting upset simply if he feels
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  bad that they didn't give him the due respect.
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  That right there is where this is Chris crossing.
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  Which means he's telling to himself, I feel bad for Hashem.
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  OK, you're right. I feel bad for myself that I
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  didn't get the respect that I really deserve.
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  I normally get that right there. You just hit them buying of
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  entitlement and you you know you're missing the concept and
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  not entitled and you should never expect it, demand it or
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  lion because they ain't coming if that's the case, but I didn't
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  he feared but he should feel except if he walks in and no one
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  stands up, not because of himself.
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  But because the. Patient doesn't know the respect
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  to our respect for the rabbi, sure, but he should try to
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  figure out what he did wrong. Maybe maybe or maybe not showing
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  me that that there's also joints just.
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  Arguments and things and maybe. They don't know he is, really.
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  They know his words, right? Maybe they don't know what he's
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  wearing. Time.
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  Where my uncle and people disrespect him all the time of
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  course and he served the respect and he just walked away like
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  nothing, OK. So as an example, right as an
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  example, maybe in certain rooms they didn't feel the treat or
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  might, they didn't treat or might.
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  And I ever, if a person gets upset at that situation, he's to
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  me running the risk of misappropriating, misapplying
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  the causes of respect. It's supposed to remain its own
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  category. It's not supposed to remain
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  entitled. That's the thing all right now,
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  but thinking that you're entitled is direct error.
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  Now 455 it comes back as you he says, please write into what you
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  just mentioned there. And that is another way you
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  notice how humble a person is, is how much he can take the
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  heat, how much you can handle embarrassment.
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  It's direct connection to the topic of respect that was
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  brought up. How much you can handle being
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  embarrassed being even disgraced at times, a lack of respect, a
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  lack of being treated as well be treated like a regular guy.
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  All those themes that right there is a translation of
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  humility flat out. In fact, it's probably in my
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  book the strongest indicator of how humble a person is is how
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  much you can take it, which means play all the examples out
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  in your mind. Someone comes at you and the
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  yelling all right, someone comes at you and they're strong to
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  you. Someone says something that's
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  insulting. Insulting is her for hurtful you
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  save my emotion. Keep it on arrogance and
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  humility. Someone you have a million of
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  these examples. Someone says something
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  insinuates that you're not worth much.
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  Someone makes themselves as there a big deal in your
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  presence, which is trying to make you seem small on and on
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  and on on on fact, probably if I can say majority, but maybe not
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  majority, but a big percentage of what people do today in their
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  conversations, especially if they're a little insecure, is
• 11:09
  that they try to find ways to make themselves look good.
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  It's very often if you're in the conversation and you relate to
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  it is trying to make you look bad.
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  It's that simple. It's done by siblings, it's done
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  by spouses, it's done my parents done my children.
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  It's a cross board. The way people talk in the
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  modern day. Oh, it's only the modern day,
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  but probably I was always been this way.
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  The way insecure people talk around you is they want to make
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  themselves feel good, which very often at initially at the basic
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  level makes you feel smaller. And if they're more direct, they
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  want to make you feel small in order to build themselves off.
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  It's basically levels of Haziq. If they're level 1 of Haziq,
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  they just make themselves look good, which makes you feel
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  small. If they're either stronger level
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  Haziq to be honest with you, and they have to put you down to
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  build themselves up regardless, life is a sea salt and people's
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  conversations are sea salt always all right.
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  Either they have to, like I said, lift themselves up.
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  This is a decent decently insecure person.
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  Lift themselves up and put you down.
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  If they're very insecure, they put you down to lift themselves
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  up. Regardless, it's the nature of
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  people. When sisters talk, when families
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  have conversations by Shabbat table, when people talk about
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  themselves and shul, when when, when friends get together.
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  This is just the nature of people.
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  If there's insecurity in the ranks, get ready for somebody to
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  put you down. It's the way they do it.
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  I don't think I'm over speaking, you know?
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  Am I right? I think this is the structure.
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  That being the case, your test of how humble you are in your
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  actions is what's your reaction? What do you say back?
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  Do you just take it? Do you look the other way?
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  Do you say yourself, thank God I'm blessed?
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  In fact, the only reason why they're talking straight to me
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  is because I'm blessed. Do you have a response which can
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  help you? I'll tell you something.
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  I think this is fundamental in this concept of response.
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  There is of course, this is a whole chapter of humility and
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  the way to respond in your mind is with humility or just lack of
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  reaction. I have a humble, arrogant way to
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  respond, OK. And personally, this is my
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  method, OK, When someone does this type of insecurity around
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  me and I see it all day long and I deal with it all day long very
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  often and I recognize it is I can notice it when it's coming
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  and they do this insecurity thing around me.
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  To me, I want to be humble, but I have a little bit of a trick.
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  It's humble arrogance. What does that mean?
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  Humble arrogance. I can immediately detect like a
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  spy on this area. I can immediately detect on
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  someone who's talking them insecurity always.
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  I can read it in a second, talking about what they done,
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  what they're doing with the coming, with the going, how
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  great they are, all that action, right?
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  Insecurity, straight up, how much money they're making, how
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  things are going. Insecure.
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  They're talking about the kids and how great the kids are and
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  how proud they are. The kids in school, hint
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  insecurity. It's all those things, right?
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  My basic reaction, if it bothers me because it bothers everyone
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  and the reality is in our community, it's one of the main
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  areas of our conversations. Make people walk away with a
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  little funny feeling in your stomach.
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  You walk away from a conversation very often, but
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  he's big get togethers, he's big action where everyone, by the
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  way, gets along. Everyone loves each other and
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  everyone wants to be there initially.
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  Then you walk away like, why the holiday meal not go the way I
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  plan? What?
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  Was there anything wrong? I just don't feel so good.
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  Why? Because my kids are misbehaving,
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  which is always the case. That's how we feel.
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  And so and those kids, I can't believe how well they behave.
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  What are they doing in the house?
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  All right. And then in the conversation,
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  she said, right, She said, you know, she has a system, she has
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  bedtime and it's like clockwork as she said her kids are well
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  over slept. They rest well.
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  They're always organized and that's why they're doing so
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  well. And your wife walks away,
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  daughter walks away and she's like, I feel like I'm doing
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  everything wrong. And you say, oh, come on, how?
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  Because so and so she's doing everything right.
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  She feeds them well, She makes me go to bedtime.
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  Well, she never allows them to, you know, take a minute when it
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  comes to bedtime. They better go upstairs or else.
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  And she has a structure. We're not a structure.
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  We're doing something wrong. All right, OK.
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  It sounds like I know this system too well.
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  What I do in this situation is my humble brag situation and
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  that is identify why they told you about the bedtime.
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  Why do you think they cared to share that information?
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  You think they're trying to give you a tip?
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  No, or they are showing you is that they need a pat on the
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  back. They need you to know how great
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  they are. Not every time, but often times.
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  Therefore, in fact, they're insecure and you should go home
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  and say to yourself, I am more secure than them because I
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  didn't feel the need to decide my children's success and like
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  based on how well they sleep or how well organized I believe my
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  house is. I didn't feel the need to
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  publicize how good a job I'm doing on my own.
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  In fact, I remained quiet, aware of that.
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  Show humility. That shows confidence because
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  they're the same. I thought you were going to say
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  a compliment. That's a move to move, you know,
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  because because he's saying that they're looking for a pat on the
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  back. Yeah, I do all the time.
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  I'm with you on 100%. Takes a lot of strength to go
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  that far for these women to sit together and one is talking
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  about like ducks in a row. They make the children seem so
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  beautiful. They always are clean.
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  They never misbehave. They never yell.
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  They never fight. Somehow all the markets fight.
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  They kids never fight right. They always sit by the table.
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  They always sit by the table. They always ready in the morning
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  to go on the bus. These kids are like that, Mother
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  is. Really working hard a.
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  Blue don't, don't share with me. Don't make me know.
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  I because you know what you're saying every time.
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  Dagger, dagger, punch, punch. That's what you're trying to
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  say. That's what you're saying.
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  I you know what? Why can't you be proud of your
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  children on your own? Why do you need the broader
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  family to know how great you're doing?
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  Because I tell you a little news flash that is hard to say and
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  it's hard to absorb, but it's reality.
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  Nobody is able to stomach other people's success in scenarios
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  where it reflects their failure. Now, if you're good at this
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  game, the game of life, you're strong enough to say their
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  success does not reflect my failure.
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  The wealth does not mean my life is not worth anything.
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  There are good children doesn't mean my wild because they're a
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  problem, They're amazing. Marriage doesn't mean to my
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  marriage in its own way is a problem.
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  No, they have theirs and I have mine.
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  The classic Yamada, and I'm not a big Ayana, not a but there's a
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  classic Yamada that talks about the fact that there was a rabbi,
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  the person with a hard time having children, hard time
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  having children. And he was asked, they were
• 18:20
  asked how did Shalom bite? How did Shalom bite is literally
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  wow, unbelievable. OK, I have an idea.
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  Fight publicly. Let someone see how you guys
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  fight. What crazy, What crazy idea is
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  it? Don't let everyone see that
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  things are all rosy. And by the way, this is a
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  practical, practical thing to do in the homes as well.
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  You buy a person by the in laws and they're sitting and then
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  whispering to their wife and all I guess.
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  And so and so is having ups and downs.
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  Don't whisper. Don't do kilo.
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  You know you're you're, you're just so cozy and awesome doing
• 19:00
  your own time. You can whisper at home.
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  Don't remember, there are people in the room whose lives are not
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  fun always at all times. There are people in these rooms
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  whose lives are challenging at least in one area.
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  So don't talk about your wealth and your children and and your
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  Shalom and how things are going and wow, he went on that
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  vacation. I said I got I recommend these
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  are the people there right When people recommend what they're in
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  a sense of saying is I haven't figured out.
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  I recommend you should go on this because they know you can't
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  go. You can't afford it to.
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  I recommend that you should go to Paris.
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  It's great for you. What you are saying is you
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  haven't figured out you know what you're saying to me that
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  I'm not really worth and my situation is not as awesome as
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  yours. All these things make you feel
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  small and I think the only way to handle it is like he's
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  telling you, first of all, you can eat it, you can absorb, you
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  can handle a great sound of your Moody.
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  But you do need confidence to have a method in your mind to
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  respond. If you're an Uber humble person,
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  no need for any response in your mind, any, any confidence, just
• 20:07
  take it and go on. But if you're a practical person
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  in the modern day, you need in your mind some response.
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  And our response for me over the years has always been they could
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  have theirs, they can enjoy it. I'm going to take it.
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  But I think I am more blessed than they are, not in every way,
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  but in my ways. And the truth is we can all have
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  that translation because every one of us in our own way is more
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  blessed than somebody else. You never want someone else's
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  package. It's not a person in the
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  community and you want their situation, not one that's a
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  strong same in the state, but it's a fact, right?
• 20:44
  It's not one person in the entire community that you want
• 20:46
  there. As they say in Yiddish Chapeka,
• 20:48
  you never wanted their packages ever.
• 20:50
  That means and God gave you exactly what you like.
• 20:54
  You don't want my problems and I'm wondering a lot of.
• 20:56
  Times you give advice to them, yeah, that you have good meaning
• 20:58
  most because you you're really good and good advice Exactly.
• 21:01
  So you're not. Advice.
• 21:03
  I was to go on vacation. Like no.
• 21:05
  See it? We're not giving.
• 21:06
  Out of negative, We're telling you because I agree.
• 21:09
  When you told me to go to Israel and when he when and I went and
• 21:13
  when you you guys told me to go on vacation.
• 21:16
  I'm fully understanding. First of all, from a convent to
• 21:19
  a rabbi is not seen as equals because rabbi is bigger than a
• 21:23
  convent. It's just a different style of
• 21:24
  life. So because of that, it's same as
• 21:26
  a worker to a boss or a child to a parent, though they never
• 21:30
  considered equals. And a sister tells her sister to
• 21:34
  go on vacation and she knows that that sister and her husband
• 21:37
  has different work schedule. What she is saying is my
• 21:41
  husband, he's awesome. Your husband.
• 21:45
  She may not try to be saying that and she might be saying
• 21:48
  that every time, but there is that element too.
• 21:50
  And you are right. Advice often times includes
• 21:54
  recommendations and these recommendations might have come
• 21:57
  for you try and work in your life.
• 22:00
  So you might be recommending. Listen, I think the movie is
• 22:03
  never waver on your children. 830 give them you know they tell
• 22:07
  you this classical line. Let them sleep late at 9 o'clock
• 22:10
  9:00 is 9:00. Nine O 1, it's nine O 2.
• 22:13
  It's 9:00. What they're saying is they have
• 22:15
  that figured out. And what they might be saying,
• 22:17
  if you hear it the wrong way, is you don't know what you're
• 22:20
  doing. Or maybe at times they're
• 22:21
  telling you. I write a book.
• 22:23
  I heard a class I went to a lecture, I heard a thing so a
• 22:27
  video. Here's an idea they have how
• 22:30
  they do that by the way, they have it all figured out when
• 22:32
  they're telling me to you. But if you're in their house and
• 22:34
  bedtime is 9 O clock not got get 9 O2.
• 22:37
  Those kids are still in general that's the case.
• 22:39
  Ask people with. Experience or really right now
• 22:41
  so. That's it.
• 22:42
  If they're real, if they're real and it's not so common, if
• 22:45
  they're real, they're absolutely call like I would.
• 22:48
  I want to hear, by the way, those people can tell as a
• 22:52
  listener is interested or they can tell as a listener just got
• 22:55
  stuck in a situation that he can't get out of by listening to
• 22:57
  this conversation. So.
• 22:59
  So this community is so much good advice.
• 23:00
  Give it sure. There's so much, sure.
• 23:03
  But a lot of the best advice comes with people that are not
• 23:06
  in the same wavelength. That's the best areas, right?
• 23:09
  Or friends that are really rooting for each other, same as
• 23:13
  siblings. But a lot, a lot, a lot of
• 23:16
  opinions. I'm not saying it's but all, but
• 23:18
  a lot of the opinions out there and recommendations are
• 23:22
  different coded ways of saying I'm awesome and you're on your
• 23:26
  way. That's basically what they're
• 23:27
  saying. That's arrogance upon arrogance.
• 23:29
  A person's got to really avoid saying that and from this point
• 23:33
  point of view, avoid hearing it and caring.
• 23:36
  Just recognize where it came from.
• 23:38
  Just ideal stuff. It's.