Latest / Privycast / Ep. 81 The Jolliest of Interruptions with the Jolliest of Saint Nicks (Privychat 14)

Transcript

Ep. 81 The Jolliest of Interruptions with the Jolliest of Saint Nicks (Privychat 14) · Privycast

• 0:01
  >> Speaker A: Twig and Berry is hanging full out and just turns
• 0:04
  straight around and goes and just shakes his
• 0:06
  head, and what can you do, you know?
• 0:15
  Welcome back to privy. Privy is a
• 0:18
  podcast about bathrooms
• 0:20
  recorded from a bathroom.
• 0:23
  I'm your host, hunt or hoover, and I like
• 0:26
  bathrooms. Um, merry Christmas, everybody.
• 0:29
  I wanted to just, uh, kind of kick off this
• 0:32
  episode. I'm going to give you my, um, top ten
• 0:35
  Christmas snacks here. I know you've been
• 0:37
  waiting, and I promise we'll get to the
• 0:40
  bathrooming, but merry Christmas. Um,
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  so, my top ten Christmas snacks. I want to
• 0:45
  kick this off. Try to keep it light hearted.
• 0:48
  We're just trying to stay calm and cool.
• 0:52
  We're really just trying to vibe and
• 0:55
  have a relaxing
• 0:58
  Christmas here at privy. And so my top ten
• 1:01
  holiday stacks. Number one here, and
• 1:04
  this is going to be frustrating for some people, but
• 1:07
  probably not, uh, is divinity. Now, if
• 1:10
  you've never had divinity, it's like special
• 1:12
  marshmallows. Um, I'm pretty sure it's just whipped egg
• 1:15
  whites. And as I understand it, you have to let
• 1:18
  the divinity kind of set in such a way where
• 1:21
  it's both fudge like and,
• 1:24
  uh, has this consistency that you've been
• 1:26
  chewing on something almost too long.
• 1:29
  And so divinity is,
• 1:32
  by far, for me, a number one. Number two,
• 1:35
  you would think it would be a Christmas cookie.
• 1:38
  But the problem with the Christmas cookie is they're overdone,
• 1:41
  and there's too much variation. And really, the
• 1:44
  good Christmas cookie is all about the right shape. And
• 1:47
  so if you get a shape that has too many pieces that are going to
• 1:50
  be busting off, that's not a high
• 1:53
  quality Christmas cookie. What you really want to
• 1:55
  get in a good
• 1:58
  Christmas cookie is you want something that's got a lot of girth at the
• 2:01
  bottom of it, really built like
• 2:04
  a pear, you know what I'm saying? Really got, like,
• 2:07
  an apple bottom to it. And that's the
• 2:10
  type of Christmas cookie that you really want to vibe with. But my
• 2:13
  number two pick here is
• 2:15
  traditional fudge without nuts.
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  Now, for those who put walnuts, chopped
• 2:21
  walnuts, in their fudge, that's fine.
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  Now, my mom used to put chopped walnuts in
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  some of the fudge, and it wasn't that it was
• 2:29
  bad, but there's something about fudge
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  that it's kind of brown and smooth, that
• 2:34
  it's just right. Um,
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  now, the flavored fudge is a different game. Now, I know that
• 2:41
  there's people that are making, like, peppermint bark fudge, and
• 2:44
  it's pretty good, but I'm really just a fan
• 2:47
  of traditional chocolate fudge.
• 2:50
  It's real nice. And
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  I don't know, there's something about eating, like, three to five
• 2:57
  pieces of chocolate fudge and then having a
• 3:00
  canker sore because your mouth reacts to the amount of
• 3:03
  sugar and chocolate you just tried to put in it. Um, or
• 3:06
  maybe that's just me, but that's my number two, my number three
• 3:09
  pick here. And this one's going to be
• 3:12
  like, I know I keep saying it, but
• 3:14
  you're going to be, oh, that's not a Christmas treat. So
• 3:17
  number three. And this one's going to be
• 3:20
  frustrating to some.
• 3:22
  >> Speaker B: Um.
• 3:25
  >> Speaker A: But it's checks mix. Like, just
• 3:28
  traditional checks mix with almost too many
• 3:30
  of those, uh,
• 3:34
  strange rye chip pieces. Those are
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  it. If you get a plate full of Christmas
• 3:39
  goodies and they're like, oops, all rye
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  chips, you've done it, right?
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  You're okay with that every single time.
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  Nobody's mad when they're getting, oops, all rye chips.
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  That's all I'm going to say about that. And
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  the other thing about chex mix is they have
• 3:57
  cheddar. Um, they
• 4:00
  have that salt and pepper black bag. I think it's just called
• 4:02
  bold. Um, but there's variety,
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  and it mixes up what is otherwise a pretty sweet
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  palate of treat.
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  Finally, um, we're almost halfway through this
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  list. Number, um, four,
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  the christmas cheer is in full swing.
• 4:19
  Um, but number four on the list, uh, and
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  this is where I introduce, like, what could
• 4:25
  possibly.
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  >> Speaker B: Hey, are you in,
• 4:29
  uh. Hello? Hello?
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  Where are you? I know you're in here.
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  >> Speaker A: Oh, my gosh, it's Santa.
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  >> Speaker B: I am mad. I am so
• 4:39
  upset. Uh, why did
• 4:42
  you put x lax in my cookies?
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  Oh, I had to change my
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  pants the very moment I ate those
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  cookies. Can, uh, you believe this? Those
• 4:53
  kids of yours, if I would have known that
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  they'd put that in there, would have made me. I wouldn't have
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  eaten them. Mrs. Claude
• 5:02
  had, uh, to change my suit. Uh, I had to get her to
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  get an elf to bring me a whole new suit. Do
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  you know what happened to my sleigh and
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  the reindeer? They were. Oh, my.
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  Even.
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  >> Speaker A: Wait.
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  >> Speaker B: We had to have counseling for the reindeer. They had to have
• 5:17
  counseling because there was so much flow coming through.
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  >> Speaker A: Wait, Santa, Santa,
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  I didn't put any x lax in your cookies.
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  >> Speaker B: You.
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  >> Speaker A: I didn't.
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  >> Speaker B: Well, who did? Wasn't you.
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  >> Speaker A: I, uh, may have told
• 5:35
  every child to do it, but why would you.
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  >> Speaker B: Tell them to do that? Why? What are you trying to
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  do? You trying to catch me. You can't catch me. I'm
• 5:43
  Santa.
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  >> Speaker A: Yeah, and I didn't hear any reports that anyone caught you, so
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  it's exactly.
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  >> Speaker B: All I did was poop myself all night and used every
• 5:51
  bathroom one. I need to apologize to the
• 5:54
  Johnsons. I'm sorry about your bathroom and the way that
• 5:57
  smelled and looked. Afterward, I'll send you a
• 6:00
  cleaning lady to come to your house. I hope that
• 6:02
  helped. But still,
• 6:05
  um. Uh, it made for a
• 6:08
  very long night. Let's say that the elves have
• 6:10
  nightmares of dingleberries that they had to pick out.
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  >> Speaker A: Oh, gosh. Wait, why were you having the
• 6:15
  elves pick out your dingleberries, Santa?
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  >> Speaker B: Mrs. Clauscher wasn't going to.
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  >> Speaker A: I feel like.
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  >> Speaker B: And they're small. Those tiny little hands could grab them and get
• 6:22
  them.
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  >> Speaker A: Um. Oh, my goodness.
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  >> Speaker B: And several of them. They're going to
• 6:27
  have a lifelong time
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  of counseling after what they've seen down there.
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  >> Speaker A: And you've actually answered one question, which is,
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  does Santa have an excessive
• 6:39
  amount of hair in the.
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  So of course I do.
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  >> Speaker B: I'm Santa. I'm a man. I have hair everywhere, which
• 6:46
  is obvious.
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  >> Speaker A: Fair enough.
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  >> Speaker B: I'm m not one of those little snowflakes that shaves everything
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  and thinks they're all cool because they shaved
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  everything.
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  >> Speaker A: Could you have an elf shave it, though?
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  >> Speaker B: I can't reach back there. Who else is going to shave it? Mrs. Claus ain't going to
• 7:00
  do it. She already said no. I asked her several times.
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  >> Speaker A: Mrs. Claus seems unwilling to help you
• 7:05
  in that area. Yes, it sounds
• 7:08
  know. I'm glad that we can all agree that you should be
• 7:11
  mad at Mrs. Claus and not me.
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  >> Speaker B: Uh, I didn't say I was mad at Mrs. Claus. I love her very
• 7:16
  much, and she does lots for me. Except
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  for shave, which, I mean, I don't
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  blame her, but that's why we have little helpers all over the
• 7:24
  place.
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  >> Speaker A: She likes the fur.
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  >> Speaker B: She does? Well, rubs her hands all up in
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  it.
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  >> Speaker A: Santa, I think
• 7:33
  it was all in good fun. I really was just.
• 7:36
  >> Speaker B: Fun for who?
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  >> Speaker A: Well, I mean, for me. Now that I know
• 7:39
  that you did chaz yourself royal.
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  >> Speaker B: Um, that's one way to put it, yes.
• 7:44
  >> Speaker A: Wait, you went to the bathroom inside the sleigh?
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  >> Speaker B: Uh, no comment.
• 7:50
  Let's just say that the sleigh, now, uh, is
• 7:53
  different.
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  >> Speaker A: Okay.
• 7:55
  >> Speaker B: Was a specific color. Now it's a different color
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  because we had to have imported fabric come in.
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  >> Speaker A: Imported? Oh, my gosh.
• 8:03
  Um, well. And you're positive
• 8:06
  that it was mine? Not
• 8:09
  mine. That it was the flag.
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  >> Speaker B: That was your freudian slip, I'm sure
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  not yours.
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  >> Speaker A: Uh, yeah. Um, well,
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  I would say I apologize for telling all the children
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  to do, uh, that. But
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  if I'm not. Sorry. Do I still get presents?
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  >> Speaker B: Oh, you'll have a present. It'll be a lump of something.
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  >> Speaker A: Okay. Um, well,
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  I'm not sure. Uh, this is awkward
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  because I was really banking on never having to own
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  this and, um, just letting Santa poop
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  himself. But you know, Santa, since you're
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  here, and I guess we're not
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  doing the top ten. Sorry,
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  kids, but
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  you might have noticed I'm recording
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  and.
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  >> Speaker B: Mhm.
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  >> Speaker A: You figured it out, uh, pretty quickly.
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  >> Speaker B: Yeah.
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  >> Speaker A: Uh, so I have some questions. Since you're here, we might
• 9:06
  as well that I ask everybody who is on
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  privy whether or
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  not you consent. As you know,
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  I'm pushing for. You just have to take what I
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  give you so I will power through.
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  That's what Mrs. Claus said.
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  Um, how did you know? So, the first
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  Santa, I'm curious. What type of toilet paper
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  do you or you and Mrs.
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  Claus use at the North Pole?
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  >> Speaker B: Uh, the same as everybody else uses.
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  Charmin the chain.
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  Charmin. That's how we pronounce it.
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  >> Speaker A: Char Charmin.
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  >> Speaker B: This is why. This is why when you were three, I
• 9:48
  didn't get you the toy that you asked for,
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  okay? The little Tommy figure
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  that you were wanting.
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  >> Speaker A: Tommy. The turbo trank tabo.
• 9:57
  >> Speaker B: The turbo trank tank. Tank,
• 10:00
  not trank. What was that? That was right.
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  >> Speaker A: Maybe I asked for the wrong one.
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  >> Speaker B: Maybe you did because you couldn't pronounce it right. Dang it. That's
• 10:08
  probably.
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  >> Speaker A: I knew Santa checked my spelling. I knew you were.
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  >> Speaker B: I do. I always do.
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  >> Speaker A: You hear that?
• 10:13
  >> Speaker B: Gotta be perfect.
• 10:14
  >> Speaker A: Pay attention in school. Stay in school.
• 10:17
  So, the big, beautiful bears. Um.
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  >> Speaker B: I see you seem distraught by my
• 10:26
  toilet paper choice. What is wrong
• 10:29
  with char?
• 10:30
  >> Speaker A: Oh, there's nothing wrong with Charman. I think it's very high end.
• 10:32
  But, um.
• 10:34
  >> Speaker B: Oh, you're saying I'm too uppity. I see. Okay.
• 10:38
  >> Speaker A: I was wondering if there was enough snow at the North Pole
• 10:41
  where you wouldn't even need it, but I think we've kind of
• 10:44
  resolved that.
• 10:45
  >> Speaker B: Yeah, no, there's lots of snow up there, but, uh, doesn't
• 10:48
  feel so hot. You
• 10:51
  could say it's a little cold. Little icy.
• 10:54
  Little icy. I've never really enjoyed the
• 10:57
  icy bung.
• 10:58
  >> Speaker A: Okay. Hey, that's fair. And it sounds like Mrs. Claus
• 11:01
  doesn't either.
• 11:02
  >> Speaker B: Um, definitely not.
• 11:07
  >> Speaker A: I'm going to involve your wife as often as I can.
• 11:09
  Um, do you and Mrs. Claus fold it over or
• 11:12
  under. You can interpret this however you want.
• 11:15
  >> Speaker B: There's only one way. It always goes
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  over. Always. So if
• 11:20
  always flows over, there's no other way to do
• 11:23
  it over. I think the trend under
• 11:26
  you're not very smart. Well, over.
• 11:28
  >> Speaker A: The real question is if
• 11:31
  somebody's putting it under. Let's say that there was a person
• 11:34
  on this planet who was putting it under.
• 11:36
  >> Speaker B: That's what. Uh, they're obviously on the naughty
• 11:38
  list.
• 11:40
  >> Speaker A: But is that like, a deal breaker?
• 11:43
  >> Speaker B: Of course it's a deal breaker.
• 11:44
  >> Speaker A: Ah, yes.
• 11:45
  >> Speaker B: I will change it. You don't know how many bathrooms I've
• 11:48
  been in, and I've changed the toilet paper roll because of this
• 11:51
  incident this year that you've.
• 11:54
  >> Speaker A: Because you had to use a lot of toilet paper.
• 11:55
  >> Speaker B: I had to use a lot of toilet paper. And not everybody subscribes
• 11:58
  to Charmin.
• 11:59
  >> Speaker A: That's true.
• 12:00
  >> Speaker B: Which is unfortunate for me and
• 12:02
  my, uh, bleeding. I'll leave it there.
• 12:05
  Never mind.
• 12:06
  >> Speaker A: Are we talking about red bag charmin or blue bag
• 12:08
  charmin?
• 12:09
  >> Speaker B: They're the same.
• 12:10
  >> Speaker A: No, but red bag is, like, thicker and blue bag is
• 12:13
  softer.
• 12:15
  >> Speaker B: I don't think I've ever noticed.
• 12:16
  >> Speaker A: Okay. The big, beautiful bears.
• 12:18
  >> Speaker B: The big, beautiful bears.
• 12:20
  >> Speaker A: Uh, Santa, when you shower yourself,
• 12:23
  do you use bar soap or liquid
• 12:26
  soap?
• 12:26
  >> Speaker B: Bar soap all day.
• 12:29
  Bar soap, of course. And aloofa, it
• 12:32
  lasts longer.
• 12:33
  >> Speaker A: What's aloofa made out of in the north Pole? Is it just like
• 12:35
  aloofa like everybody else?
• 12:37
  >> Speaker B: Uh, yes, it is. And
• 12:40
  pine cones. That's how
• 12:43
  I get rid of some of the excessive
• 12:47
  skin. Uh.
• 12:49
  >> Speaker A: Santa's skin. Uh,
• 12:53
  ever,
• 12:55
  uh, do you ever carve
• 12:58
  messages in the bar soap for Mrs. Claus or any of
• 13:01
  the elves?
• 13:02
  >> Speaker B: Uh, I carve certain,
• 13:04
  um, rocket ships
• 13:07
  sometimes.
• 13:08
  >> Speaker A: Do the rocket ships have Mickey mouse ears?
• 13:11
  >> Speaker B: Yes, they do. And is that an exhaust
• 13:14
  launch to.
• 13:15
  >> Speaker A: Know, but the exhaust is coming out of the,
• 13:18
  um. Does. Is that for
• 13:21
  Mrs. Claus or the elves?
• 13:23
  >> Speaker B: Yes.
• 13:24
  >> Speaker A: Okay. Um,
• 13:26
  hey, if you're one of Santa's elves and you're listening
• 13:29
  and you need help,
• 13:32
  privycast@gmail.com
• 13:36
  Santa, what scent of soap do you use? What scent is that
• 13:39
  bar of soap?
• 13:40
  >> Speaker B: That scent is, uh,
• 13:43
  cedar, one of my favorite. Know, like, that
• 13:46
  pencil shaving smell. It's really good wood. I
• 13:49
  like that wood.
• 13:50
  >> Speaker A: Fresh wood.
• 13:50
  >> Speaker B: Fresh wood.
• 13:51
  >> Speaker A: I was curious, uh, if you ever
• 13:54
  rocked, like, a peppermint
• 13:57
  bar soap or.
• 13:58
  >> Speaker B: Maybe even, like, you know, you would think that I would. I
• 14:01
  don't.
• 14:01
  >> Speaker A: Right.
• 14:02
  >> Speaker B: I mean, I like peppermint to freshen my breath when I'm
• 14:05
  talking with people, like right now, I wish I had one,
• 14:07
  but I'm sure my breath is
• 14:10
  not, uh.
• 14:11
  >> Speaker A: I mean, if I tell you no, do I get on the nice
• 14:13
  list?
• 14:15
  >> Speaker B: Uh, no, but it might get you closer. I might move
• 14:18
  you one tick closer. How many about it?
• 14:20
  >> Speaker A: Am m I away? After last year? That's the real, uh.
• 14:25
  >> Speaker B: Okay. Always keep
• 14:28
  you.
• 14:29
  >> Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Santa, how do you feel about
• 14:31
  baths? Are you a fan of baths?
• 14:34
  >> Speaker B: I love baths. They're my favorite.
• 14:36
  >> Speaker A: Go for it.
• 14:37
  >> Speaker B: I love them. I just love getting in a tub of water
• 14:40
  and feeling the water cascade over my
• 14:43
  whole body. And, um, I especially
• 14:46
  love it when the elves come in and help.
• 14:47
  >> Speaker A: I was just going to ask about the elves.
• 14:50
  >> Speaker B: I can't wash my back. Who else is going to do it? Miss Claus,
• 14:53
  obviously. She's not willing to, uh, help me in a
• 14:56
  lot of areas, but again, our elves
• 14:59
  definitely come in and help me. Do you reach
• 15:02
  areas that I can't reach?
• 15:03
  >> Speaker A: Have you ever taken a bath with a reindeer?
• 15:05
  >> Speaker B: With a reindeer? Yeah. Have I ever
• 15:08
  taken a bath? I mean, who's all listening
• 15:11
  to this?
• 15:12
  >> Speaker A: Um, from what I can tell, it's mostly guys between the
• 15:15
  ages of 18 and 30 who are
• 15:17
  various degrees of. In a relationship with a woman. Or not
• 15:20
  at all.
• 15:21
  >> Speaker B: Or not at all. Okay. Uh, then yes, of course I
• 15:24
  have very much so.
• 15:28
  >> Speaker A: So good. Which reindeer? Uh,
• 15:31
  it wasn't Rudolph.
• 15:33
  >> Speaker B: Uh, well, he, ah, was one
• 15:35
  time, but we'll save that for another time.
• 15:38
  >> Speaker A: Right?
• 15:39
  >> Speaker B: Um, it was. Dasher is the one I like to hang out
• 15:41
  with. Dasher's. Dasher.
• 15:43
  >> Speaker A: Dasher's a good hang.
• 15:44
  >> Speaker B: Yeah, he's good. Um, it's not anything
• 15:47
  weird. I mean, we just know. Getting to a bath
• 15:49
  together, taking a bath. Two dudes taking a bath. What's wrong with that?
• 15:52
  I mean, a dude and a reindeer? Whatever.
• 15:55
  >> Speaker A: It's not like it's fine.
• 15:56
  >> Speaker B: It's no big deal.
• 15:57
  >> Speaker A: The elves are there attending you, so it's like.
• 15:59
  >> Speaker B: Yes. So there's lots of eyes. Chaperone. So there's nothing
• 16:01
  perfect nefarious going on there? Um,
• 16:04
  big word. I know. I'm sorry for you little 18 to 30.
• 16:07
  >> Speaker A: I know who spelled
• 16:10
  Tommy the train. Something
• 16:13
  trunk wrong? Uh, so, Santa. See,
• 16:16
  you remembered it better than I do. I didn't even know what I wanted.
• 16:18
  Um, do you have any bathroom pet peeves?
• 16:21
  Things that Mrs. Claus or one of the elves do
• 16:24
  that just grind your gears?
• 16:28
  >> Speaker B: That grind my gears. The things that really grind my
• 16:31
  gears. Obviously, the first one is when you don't put
• 16:34
  the toilet paper going the correct way.
• 16:36
  >> Speaker A: Oh, yeah. We're back on this.
• 16:37
  >> Speaker B: The other thing, I think
• 16:40
  I've trained them well enough, my wife and the elves, uh,
• 16:43
  to be able to put it the right way. And when they don't, we
• 16:46
  talk about it. And I'll lay the smack down if I have to.
• 16:49
  >> Speaker A: Okay, shoot.
• 16:51
  >> Speaker B: Yeah, I will. The other thing is that I don't like
• 16:54
  is when. Why can't I leave the toilet seat up?
• 16:57
  Seat up? Yeah, why can't I. Why do
• 17:00
  I have to put it down? Let's think about this for a second.
• 17:03
  >> Speaker A: My wife, uh, if you're listening, should.
• 17:06
  >> Speaker B: Put up the toilet seat for me, right?
• 17:08
  Because how many times a day do I actually go into the bathroom as
• 17:11
  compared to her? Right? She always sits down.
• 17:14
  It's always down. So when she's done, she should lift the
• 17:17
  toilet seat for me.
• 17:19
  >> Speaker A: Right? Mrs. Claus?
• 17:20
  >> Speaker B: Am I wrong? I mean, honestly. Come on, guys.
• 17:22
  >> Speaker A: Santa, uh, do you have
• 17:25
  the magical capabilities of making the toilet go up on
• 17:28
  its own? I'm just curious. I'm not
• 17:31
  trying to make you the victim or make
• 17:34
  Mrs. Claus the victim, but I'm just curious if you
• 17:37
  have the magical capabilities of that.
• 17:39
  >> Speaker B: Only once a year.
• 17:41
  >> Speaker A: Oh, fair enough.
• 17:42
  >> Speaker B: Uh, only once a year.
• 17:44
  >> Speaker A: Uh, man. Well, Mrs.
• 17:46
  Claus. Yeah,
• 17:49
  I'm sorry. So
• 17:53
  any other pet peeves?
• 17:56
  >> Speaker B: Uh, when someone pees on the floor, especially elves.
• 17:59
  Uh, we've got those little step stools. So when you're stepping in
• 18:02
  pee, obviously that's not cool.
• 18:04
  >> Speaker A: Yeah.
• 18:04
  >> Speaker B: So especially when it's cold, nobody likes stepping in that.
• 18:07
  >> Speaker A: Oh, yeah. That's no good.
• 18:10
  Um, Santa, do you ever get out to
• 18:13
  eat? Are you ever able to go out to
• 18:16
  a restaurant? Do they have restaurants? I mean, you
• 18:19
  have a sleigh. You can fly.
• 18:20
  >> Speaker B: We do, I guess. Yes, we can. We can fly.
• 18:23
  You.
• 18:24
  >> Speaker A: What's your and Mrs. Claus like? Go to restaurant.
• 18:27
  >> Speaker B: Go to restaurant. Has to be
• 18:29
  Applebee's. Applebee's.
• 18:31
  >> Speaker A: Applebee's.
• 18:32
  >> Speaker B: Yes, Applebee's.
• 18:33
  >> Speaker A: What do you get when you go to Applebee's, Santa?
• 18:35
  >> Speaker B: Ah, the two for 20. Always. It's just such a good deal.
• 18:38
  >> Speaker A: Santa's on the two for 20. He's hard in the
• 18:41
  paint. Um, he's hard in. Uh.
• 18:44
  Do you ever. Does
• 18:47
  Applebee's ever do you dirty, like, just foul up
• 18:50
  the bathroom situation after, uh.
• 18:52
  >> Speaker B: Every time. Every time. It's also
• 18:55
  the place I hate the most because
• 18:59
  it's the two for 20 and it's Applebee's. And so you
• 19:02
  can eat something there one day and it'll be all right. And you're not
• 19:05
  going to duke, um, eat yourself or feel like you have
• 19:08
  to right after you eat. But, uh, sometimes
• 19:10
  it just is. It's there.
• 19:13
  >> Speaker A: Are we confident that you didn't have Applebee's on Christmas
• 19:15
  Eve last?
• 19:16
  >> Speaker B: Very. Yes. Yes, I was out delivering toys.
• 19:20
  Uh, it's a pretty big world.
• 19:21
  >> Speaker A: That is damning evidence.
• 19:24
  >> Speaker B: Yes. Um, and the fact that I ate
• 19:27
  cookies and almost instantaneously, I don't know how much
• 19:30
  you, uh, decided to put into them. I mean, your
• 19:33
  kids. Quote, quote.
• 19:34
  >> Speaker A: I just told all listeners to catch.
• 19:38
  I said if you wanted to,
• 19:42
  if you could. Um,
• 19:45
  okay, so is
• 19:48
  that the restaurant that messes you up the worst,
• 19:51
  then?
• 19:51
  >> Speaker B: Yes.
• 19:52
  >> Speaker A: Okay. Really?
• 19:53
  >> Speaker B: Does you.
• 19:53
  >> Speaker A: Foul.
• 19:54
  >> Speaker B: So that tells you how often we go?
• 19:56
  >> Speaker A: Yeah, not very often. Once a
• 19:58
  year?
• 19:59
  >> Speaker B: Yeah, usually just before,
• 20:02
  but not this last year.
• 20:04
  >> Speaker A: Yeah, that's interesting. Um, do you and
• 20:06
  Mrs. Claus often do things just but once a
• 20:09
  year?
• 20:10
  >> Speaker B: No, we go out all the time out in the North
• 20:13
  Pole. There's lots to do up, getting
• 20:16
  ready for next year. Right. Christmas, toys, all of
• 20:19
  that. Duh. Um.
• 20:20
  >> Speaker A: Um, yeah, that's interesting to me.
• 20:23
  >> Speaker B: And I got to manage elves. I mean, that's my job.
• 20:26
  >> Speaker A: It sounds like the elves have some specific jobs,
• 20:29
  too.
• 20:29
  >> Speaker B: Yes, they do. They're my personal
• 20:32
  elves.
• 20:33
  >> Speaker A: Yeah, they sure are. Um, Santa, have you ever
• 20:36
  had one of your personal elves help you take a dark
• 20:38
  shower?
• 20:39
  >> Speaker B: A dark shower? What's a dark shower?
• 20:42
  >> Speaker A: I think it's better not to explain it.
• 20:45
  Um.
• 20:46
  >> Speaker B: Is that where I take a shower in the dark?
• 20:48
  Sure. That doesn't leave me
• 20:51
  feeling good, I'll tell you that.
• 20:54
  Uh, dark shower.
• 20:58
  I think I know what you mean by dark shower now. I think it
• 21:00
  just is coming to me. Is that where someone, like, poops on
• 21:03
  me?
• 21:04
  >> Speaker A: Oh, gosh.
• 21:09
  >> Speaker B: No.
• 21:10
  >> Speaker A: We're here if that was the
• 21:13
  case. Have you.
• 21:15
  >> Speaker B: I plead the fifth. Okay, I know
• 21:18
  that's an american thing. You're american?
• 21:20
  >> Speaker A: I was going to say, do you have the fifth amendment in the North Pole?
• 21:23
  >> Speaker B: Not in the North Pole, but I know you do.
• 21:25
  >> Speaker A: So you plead the fifth?
• 21:27
  >> Speaker B: I plead the fifth. In your country.
• 21:30
  >> Speaker A: Um.
• 21:31
  >> Speaker B: Wow.
• 21:32
  >> Speaker A: Have you ever.
• 21:32
  >> Speaker B: Me and Mrs. Claus do in secret.
• 21:35
  >> Speaker A: Okay, very good. Have you ever eaten an orange in
• 21:38
  the shower as if it was an apple?
• 21:40
  >> Speaker B: No.
• 21:41
  >> Speaker A: Would you?
• 21:43
  >> Speaker B: No.
• 21:45
  >> Speaker A: No further questions. Santa, have you
• 21:48
  ever. And then I proceed to ask you another
• 21:50
  question. Um, Santa, have you ever
• 21:53
  performed a waffle stomp?
• 21:55
  >> Speaker B: A waffle stomp? No, it's a
• 21:58
  waffle stomp.
• 21:59
  >> Speaker A: Um, well, so traditionally, you mean, by.
• 22:01
  >> Speaker B: Waffle, what's a waffle, like, as in the food waffle, like
• 22:04
  a.
• 22:06
  >> Speaker A: That we could only hope it would be.
• 22:08
  So, a waffle stomp.
• 22:10
  >> Speaker B: I'm talking about blue waffle.
• 22:12
  >> Speaker A: No, we are not doing that. All right,
• 22:14
  Santa,
• 22:16
  uh, next question.
• 22:20
  The waffle stomp, um, is when
• 22:23
  you are in the shower, and the urge to
• 22:26
  purge hits too much.
• 22:28
  >> Speaker B: Well, yeah, of course I've done that. Absolutely. I've done
• 22:31
  it at my high school.
• 22:33
  >> Speaker A: Wait, Santa, where did you go to high school?
• 22:37
  >> Speaker B: South Albany high school.
• 22:41
  And I may or may not have been the only one who's done the waffle
• 22:43
  stomp there.
• 22:48
  When the urge is there, you got to go. And where else are you going to do it?
• 22:51
  You got to stomp it through the. Yes, yes, I
• 22:54
  have. At least you're in the shower.
• 22:57
  >> Speaker A: Were you delivering toys to south Albany the night that
• 23:00
  you walked?
• 23:00
  >> Speaker B: Oh, this was just before I was an apprentice, so I had to go to
• 23:03
  school. This was before my secret identity.
• 23:06
  Before.
• 23:07
  >> Speaker A: This was before you murdered the previous Santa to
• 23:09
  become.
• 23:10
  >> Speaker B: Course. Yes.
• 23:11
  >> Speaker A: Got it. Got it. Um, because
• 23:14
  if I've learned anything from Tim Allen, that's how this
• 23:17
  happens.
• 23:18
  >> Speaker B: Yes.
• 23:18
  >> Speaker A: How do you feel about Tim Allen sharing that secret
• 23:21
  with everybody?
• 23:22
  >> Speaker B: Uh, well, I mean,
• 23:25
  are you more.
• 23:26
  >> Speaker A: Mad at Tim Allen for sharing that secret or more mad at me for
• 23:29
  telling or supposedly telling kids to give you X
• 23:32
  lax?
• 23:32
  >> Speaker B: Uh, X Lax. Right now, for sure. Okay. Because that's
• 23:35
  still fresh in my mind.
• 23:36
  >> Speaker A: Yeah, it's fresh.
• 23:37
  >> Speaker B: You did bring that up. So you're bringing up all these old wounds, which
• 23:40
  makes me feel trauma.
• 23:43
  Yeah.
• 23:44
  >> Speaker A: I'm not being trauma informed.
• 23:45
  >> Speaker B: Definitely not. I need a teddy bear to hug right now.
• 23:48
  >> Speaker A: Please have some elf make you one.
• 23:51
  >> Speaker B: Well, I should have.
• 23:54
  >> Speaker A: So you've performed the waffle stomp, but would you ever
• 23:57
  perform the toss? This is an act where
• 24:00
  you poop into your hand and then toss it
• 24:02
  outside into the toilet.
• 24:06
  >> Speaker B: Yes.
• 24:07
  >> Speaker A: You would do this act?
• 24:09
  >> Speaker B: Uh, well, have.
• 24:10
  >> Speaker A: Okay, no further questions. No further questions.
• 24:13
  Um, I do have, actually,
• 24:16
  one. No, go
• 24:19
  for it.
• 24:19
  >> Speaker B: Do it. Come on. You know it's there. Everybody wants to know. All
• 24:22
  inquiring minds want to know. Do it.
• 24:25
  >> Speaker A: I think all the inquiring minds are going to find out
• 24:27
  something later anyway. Um,
• 24:33
  if somebody performed a waffle stomp or
• 24:36
  a toss, would that put them on the naughty
• 24:39
  list that year?
• 24:41
  >> Speaker B: Not in and of itself.
• 24:44
  Kind of depends on the circumstances
• 24:47
  of the toss. Waffle
• 24:50
  stomp.
• 24:51
  >> Speaker A: So if they don't get all the stomp down the
• 24:54
  drain, if they toss and miss,
• 24:57
  we're talking naughty list, then.
• 24:58
  >> Speaker B: Yes, very much so.
• 25:00
  >> Speaker A: You hear that, kids? Feel free to stomp
• 25:03
  one down and or upper deckers.
• 25:06
  >> Speaker B: Those are just as acceptable. So don't forget
• 25:09
  to do the upper decker. No. Yeah. No. Uh, you can
• 25:11
  do that. That's fine. Well, let m me think about
• 25:14
  it. If it's at your mom's house, don't do it.
• 25:17
  Right. But, um, that would put
• 25:20
  you on the naughty list for sure. If you did it at your parents house or your grandparents house.
• 25:23
  Because they don't know. Right. They can't clean that.
• 25:26
  They're not going to want to touch that.
• 25:28
  >> Speaker A: But, like, if you're at your brother's place.
• 25:30
  >> Speaker B: But if I'm at my brother's place, that's fair game.
• 25:32
  Yeah. And if you don't do it, then.
• 25:35
  >> Speaker A: You'Re on the naughty list.
• 25:36
  >> Speaker B: Yes.
• 25:36
  >> Speaker A: Perfect.
• 25:37
  >> Speaker B: And.
• 25:37
  >> Speaker A: Or.
• 25:37
  >> Speaker B: Oh, here's the other thing. Yes. Uh, if you have
• 25:40
  a friend who has a cat and they
• 25:43
  keep that litter box in the bathroom.
• 25:46
  Same. Uh, more. If you do not put a log
• 25:49
  in that litter box.
• 25:50
  >> Speaker A: Oh, bless up.
• 25:51
  >> Speaker B: Yeah, you need to do that now,
• 25:54
  Santa. Uh, I may or may
• 25:57
  not have done that a couple of times to a couple of the children, uh,
• 26:00
  who've been on naughty lists.
• 26:01
  >> Speaker A: Okay.
• 26:02
  >> Speaker B: Uh, yes, well, I don't have a cat. Yes,
• 26:05
  I know, but I am aware.
• 26:07
  >> Speaker A: Yeah, I do have a follow up question that's totally unrelated to the
• 26:10
  previous comment. But, Santa, do you have a cat?
• 26:13
  >> Speaker B: No.
• 26:14
  >> Speaker A: Does Mrs. Claus have a cat?
• 26:16
  >> Speaker B: No.
• 26:18
  >> Speaker A: Is there a cat at the north Pole that poops in a
• 26:21
  litter box? Uh, Santa, have you ever
• 26:24
  hit up a litter box?
• 26:27
  >> Speaker B: Yes.
• 26:28
  >> Speaker A: Perfect. Because of the cat, it
• 26:30
  purred. Um, Santa,
• 26:34
  which one of the reindeer have the biggest droppings?
• 26:38
  >> Speaker B: Uh, well, we know it's not Dasher, right? Because
• 26:41
  just little dashes here and there. Uh,
• 26:44
  Francer, he, like, hops when he does it.
• 26:46
  >> Speaker A: He's real fruity about.
• 26:48
  >> Speaker B: Way more fruity. It just seems a.
• 26:51
  >> Speaker A: We. I feel like this is
• 26:54
  like claim to.
• 26:56
  >> Speaker B: Uh, he's. Well,
• 26:59
  you would think that, but Comet actually is
• 27:02
  the one.
• 27:02
  >> Speaker A: Yeah.
• 27:03
  >> Speaker B: Um, it comes out of him like hot snakes.
• 27:07
  Just big, giant hot
• 27:10
  snakes. Yeah.
• 27:12
  Comment. Sometimes
• 27:15
  it makes you want to vomit.
• 27:18
  >> Speaker A: The vomit. Comet.
• 27:19
  >> Speaker B: Yeah.
• 27:19
  >> Speaker A: Um, okay. Uh, and I
• 27:22
  think I already know the answer to this question, but for the sake
• 27:25
  of you're here, I've trapped
• 27:28
  you. Uh, it's all part of my elaborate ruse.
• 27:33
  >> Speaker B: Yes.
• 27:34
  >> Speaker A: Do you ever make the elves clean the toilets at the north
• 27:37
  pole?
• 27:37
  >> Speaker B: Always. Especially after this last
• 27:40
  year, uh, we, uh, had to replace three
• 27:43
  toilets. Um, and
• 27:46
  counting and counting
• 27:48
  because it's caused this
• 27:51
  whole issue. I don't know if you've known, but I had to go to the doctor
• 27:54
  and get some stuff checked. Oh, uh,
• 27:57
  why didn't you just have.
• 27:58
  >> Speaker A: Mrs. Claus check it out?
• 28:00
  >> Speaker B: Well, because Mrs. Claus has a limited
• 28:02
  knowledge, uh, on, uh,
• 28:05
  well, Santa's Billy and what goes on inside of there.
• 28:08
  She feeds him cookies and all these really good things, um,
• 28:12
  which sometimes I definitely
• 28:14
  don't eat, but, um, she tries
• 28:17
  her best.
• 28:18
  >> Speaker A: How do you know that Mrs. Claus didn't x wax you?
• 28:21
  >> Speaker B: Uh, well, because she loves me, first of
• 28:24
  all, and I haven't done anything to, uh,
• 28:27
  excuse my language, piss her off.
• 28:30
  That I know of at this point.
• 28:33
  Except for maybe when this, uh, podcast comes out,
• 28:36
  then we might have a different story.
• 28:38
  >> Speaker A: Um, uh,
• 28:41
  so, Santa,
• 28:44
  so we talked a lot about cookies. What is your
• 28:47
  favorite snack to get from little kids on
• 28:50
  Christmas?
• 28:51
  >> Speaker B: Fudge. I love the fudge. With
• 28:54
  walnuts.
• 28:54
  >> Speaker A: With walnuts.
• 28:55
  >> Speaker B: I'm a walnut fudge guy. Yes,
• 28:58
  fudge.
• 28:59
  >> Speaker A: Santa.
• 29:00
  >> Speaker B: What
• 29:03
  it is, what it is. I love it. I love the
• 29:05
  walnuts. They're tasty.
• 29:07
  >> Speaker A: Santa, if you had to give me top three
• 29:10
  favorite Christmas desserts,
• 29:13
  obviously fudge is on there. Now.
• 29:15
  >> Speaker B: Fudge is on there. Number one for me personally.
• 29:17
  >> Speaker A: Perfect.
• 29:18
  >> Speaker B: Number two with walnuts, though, with walnuts, it's got to have
• 29:21
  walnuts for me. Okay.
• 29:22
  >> Speaker A: It's just not right.
• 29:24
  >> Speaker B: I know that's how you feel. That's okay. You can have that
• 29:27
  differing opinion.
• 29:28
  >> Speaker A: How do you know, though?
• 29:30
  >> Speaker B: Well, because, uh, how do you know.
• 29:33
  >> Speaker A: That'S how I feel?
• 29:34
  >> Speaker B: Uh, well, obviously by how you're reacting to me. Right?
• 29:37
  Fair. First of all, that's fair. Uh,
• 29:39
  so my second would be, ah, kalua
• 29:42
  pie. I love a boozy pie.
• 29:45
  Santa is so good.
• 29:47
  >> Speaker A: Santa's got a brand new bag.
• 29:49
  >> Speaker B: I do. That helps. Know sometimes you need a
• 29:52
  little nip just to keep yourself warm.
• 29:55
  Uh, and a kalua pie will help you with that.
• 29:58
  >> Speaker A: Oh, my gosh.
• 29:59
  >> Speaker B: That's number two, uh, pun
• 30:02
  intended.
• 30:05
  Poop joke. Um, also,
• 30:08
  can I do a Santa joke?
• 30:11
  >> Speaker A: You're Santa.
• 30:12
  >> Speaker B: That's true. I guess I could, um, I don't actually
• 30:15
  have one. I just was saying, like, dad joke because, you know,
• 30:18
  but Santa, it's fine. Do you guys
• 30:21
  get it? Does everybody get it?
• 30:22
  >> Speaker A: I think everybody thought it was funny.
• 30:24
  >> Speaker B: I'm sure they're still laughing right now. I can
• 30:27
  tell. And, uh, if you're not, you're on the naughty
• 30:29
  list. Get to laughing.
• 30:32
  >> Speaker A: So number three on this snack list.
• 30:35
  >> Speaker B: Number three on the snack list.
• 30:37
  >> Speaker A: Yes.
• 30:37
  >> Speaker B: Uh, tillamuk pepperoni. Hands down,
• 30:40
  favorite, favorite Christmas snack. Favorite
• 30:43
  Christmas snack. Tillamuk pepperoni.
• 30:45
  >> Speaker A: Tillamuk pepperoni.
• 30:46
  >> Speaker B: It fuels you gets know, little bit of fat, little
• 30:49
  bit of protein, little bit of salt. And
• 30:52
  ironically, Rudolph loves them.
• 30:54
  >> Speaker A: That's interesting.
• 30:55
  >> Speaker B: It is. I don't know why he decided to start eating
• 30:58
  tillamook pepperoni, but he does, and he loves
• 31:01
  it.
• 31:01
  >> Speaker A: Do you think it's a bad idea to feed him that, though?
• 31:03
  >> Speaker B: Uh, I'm wondering if that's what keeps his nose glowing red.
• 31:06
  >> Speaker A: I don't bet.
• 31:08
  >> Speaker B: I bet it's not the booze like you would think, right? It's
• 31:10
  not the booze. It's not the kalua pie at all. You would think that,
• 31:13
  but no, that's not what does it.
• 31:16
  Wow.
• 31:17
  >> Speaker A: Well, you know what, Santa? I really appreciate you
• 31:20
  dropping in here and completely forgiving me for what I did to you
• 31:22
  last year. Um, I m don't know if I.
• 31:25
  >> Speaker B: Said that, but okay.
• 31:26
  >> Speaker A: Uh, I'm sure that you are tired from last night's
• 31:29
  deliveries and would love to go home to Mrs.
• 31:32
  Claus.
• 31:33
  >> Speaker B: Um, yes. Right. I
• 31:36
  love Mrs. Claus.
• 31:37
  >> Speaker A: Mrs. Claus, say yes. Uh,
• 31:43
  let the record show that was Santa pretending to be Mrs.
• 31:46
  Claus. M well, Santa,
• 31:48
  I'm going to close out the show. This is the awkward part where it looks like I'm
• 31:51
  a dog pooping in the backyard.
• 31:53
  >> Speaker B: Um, kind of do look, like, weird.
• 31:56
  >> Speaker A: Yeah, that's the one fortunate part
• 31:59
  about this not being a video podcast is nobody
• 32:02
  has to see the unfortunate fact that we are in a bathroom. Um,
• 32:06
  or what I look, uh,
• 32:09
  to that on me?
• 32:12
  No, Santa, the beard's looking real strong. This,
• 32:15
  uh, didn't. I didn't even notice
• 32:18
  that you had diarrhea all year. Um,
• 32:22
  but this has been another.
• 32:23
  >> Speaker B: Just smelled it, I'm sure.
• 32:25
  >> Speaker A: Sweet Lord, this has been another episode of Privy. Thank you so
• 32:28
  much for joining us. Um, as always, you can follow us on
• 32:30
  social media. We're at Privycast. Anywhere you're on social
• 32:33
  media, send us an email,
• 32:35
  privycast@gmail.com.
• 32:38
  Santa's getting pretty rowdy as he leaves. Bye,
• 32:41
  Santa.
• 32:42
  >> Speaker B: Bye.
• 32:44
  >> Speaker A: Our music is from Pottington Bear and Kevin
• 32:47
  McLeod. Thanks, Pottington and Kevin. And
• 32:49
  now, as always,
• 32:52
  don't forget to flush.