Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #630 This Week in Parenting

Transcript

#630 This Week in Parenting · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, if you have children who do something awesome, or
0:14
Speaker 2: you have children that you love, give them a hug,
0:16
Speaker 2: give them a high five, beers familiar with them as
0:18
Speaker 2: you want, not going to do any damage at all.
0:20
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
0:24
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:24
Speaker 2: How cool is it having teenagers? Don't you just love them?
0:27
Speaker 2: Totally different set of problems, totally different set of stresses
0:30
Speaker 2: and all that sort of stuff. But teenagers. Actually, I'm
0:33
Speaker 2: even watching our little Emily, who's eight and a half
0:36
Speaker 2: years old now, as she's puzzling through how humor works.
0:39
Speaker 2: She's trying out all these different jokes.
0:41
Speaker 1: And making them up all along the way, doing.
0:43
Speaker 2: The very best that she can to get a laugh
0:45
Speaker 2: out of us. But as the kids get older, the
0:47
Speaker 2: way that you interact, the quality of the conversation, the humor,
0:51
Speaker 2: the delight, it all shifts. And I feel like, just
0:54
Speaker 2: recently we've started to move into this brand new phase
0:57
Speaker 2: of life with three adult kids, three kids finish school,
1:01
Speaker 2: another two that are in high school. It just kind
1:04
Speaker 2: of feels fun to be around the kids. We can
1:07
Speaker 2: sit around the dining table and talk or laugh or
1:09
Speaker 2: play games, and it's a different kind of fun.
1:13
Speaker 1: If you haven't played the game Cover your Assets. Yeah,
1:17
Speaker 1: highly recommend so much fun. Highly recommend it.
1:21
Speaker 2: I think that's our favorite at the moment.
1:23
Speaker 1: Yeah. Our big girl brought it home with her from
1:25
Speaker 1: one of her visits and he's fun Emily. Yeah, eight
1:30
Speaker 1: years old and she has got this fame down pass.
1:33
Speaker 2: So good, so good. This is out this week in
1:36
Speaker 2: Pairenting Podcast. I need to let you know we've got
1:37
Speaker 2: two cracking news stories to talk about in a sect.
1:40
Speaker 2: But you had a funny interaction with our eighteen year
1:43
Speaker 2: old just the other day.
1:44
Speaker 1: So the other day you brought home some random stranger.
1:47
Speaker 1: We've never met him before, he's visiting from the States,
1:50
Speaker 1: and in him over for lunch.
1:52
Speaker 2: So here's the thing, right, So when I travel sometimes
1:54
Speaker 2: I've got a lot of work to do and I
1:56
Speaker 2: don't want to be bothered by anyone. But every now
1:57
Speaker 2: and again, especially if I'm traveling across a weekend, it's
2:01
Speaker 2: just nice to connect with people. So I've bumped into
2:03
Speaker 2: this guy, said, hey, where are you from? He's from
2:05
Speaker 2: Saint Louis, Missouri, and I said, oh, we've traveled in
2:09
Speaker 2: the States a little bit, been through Missouri. I haven't
2:10
Speaker 2: spent much time there, but great spot. You're here for
2:13
Speaker 2: a conference. What have you got on this weekend? He
2:15
Speaker 2: said nothing. I'm in my hotel room and it's raining.
2:18
Speaker 2: I said, why don't come over to our place for
2:20
Speaker 2: a barbecue, come and have some lunch, and he's like really,
2:23
Speaker 2: So he came over Aaron hanging out with us, and
2:26
Speaker 2: he says, actually, I need some help at the conference.
2:28
Speaker 2: I don't suppose any of your daughters would like to
2:31
Speaker 2: would they be available to earn some money at this
2:33
Speaker 2: conference at the stand that I'm operating. And so our
2:36
Speaker 2: eighteen year old daughter picked up the picked up the gig,
2:39
Speaker 2: got a couple of days of work.
2:40
Speaker 1: So the morning of she's come out. Man, She's gone, Mum,
2:45
Speaker 1: I have to wear something that's business casual. And I've
2:51
Speaker 1: looked at it.
2:51
Speaker 2: He's not a business casual kind of kid.
2:54
Speaker 1: This is beach bum eighteen year old. She just loves
2:58
Speaker 1: being down at the beach and a surfy, big baggy
3:00
Speaker 1: T shirts. And to be honest, none of us really
3:04
Speaker 1: have anything that would kind of fit that genre at all.
3:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I mean, you like your linen stuff. And
3:11
Speaker 2: she's got a big sister who's not living at home,
3:12
Speaker 2: and another big sister who works in childcare. She doesn't
3:15
Speaker 2: have business clothing, so there was literally.
3:18
Speaker 1: In the house or one pair of pants that I
3:20
Speaker 1: thought might work. And she's gone through outfit after outfit.
3:24
Speaker 1: She's coming out and she's getting slightly better. This is
3:28
Speaker 1: just so not her area at all. And she keeps
3:31
Speaker 1: coming out and I'm like, no Ella, that's not going
3:32
Speaker 1: to work. And I'm like, you need to find those pants.
3:34
Speaker 1: So she finds the pants and she puts them on.
3:36
Speaker 1: I said, perfect. Now we just got to try and
3:38
Speaker 1: find a shirt or She's thrown on shirts left, run
3:41
Speaker 1: center and nothing is working. I've raided her sister's cupboard
3:44
Speaker 1: and there is literally in the house one shirt that
3:48
Speaker 1: might work. She puts it on, she says, I can't
3:50
Speaker 1: do it, said I won't wear it. So anyway, I've
3:54
Speaker 1: gone off to hang the washing. She's come back and
3:56
Speaker 1: she's going, there's nothing. I can't wear anything. I said,
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Speaker 1: you just need to wear that. Can I see it
4:00
Speaker 1: on you? She said, you just want me to look
4:02
Speaker 1: like a thirty year old woman. That's what it is.
4:03
Speaker 1: Isn't it thirty years old?
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Speaker 2: She put it on and I.
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Speaker 1: Took one look at I said, no, that's casual business.
4:08
Speaker 1: That's perfect.
4:09
Speaker 2: Yeah, and she's thinking, I look like a dramm.
4:11
Speaker 1: If I had have known this is what I was
4:13
Speaker 1: going to have to wear to do this job, I
4:14
Speaker 1: would have said no.
4:16
Speaker 2: Of course. She came back from the conference. It was
4:17
Speaker 2: like best job ever. I believe it. That was so good,
4:20
Speaker 2: she said, I loved it. It's time for this Week
4:23
Speaker 2: in Parenting. I love this podcast episode. We only do
4:29
Speaker 2: it once month, so I really should be this Month
4:30
Speaker 2: in Parenting. We could do it weekly, but I sort
4:32
Speaker 2: of just scoured the internet find crazy stories about parents
4:35
Speaker 2: doing weird stuff and we need to talk about it.
4:41
Speaker 2: So the first one that I want to share with
4:43
Speaker 2: you is there's a psychologist. It's been around for a
4:46
Speaker 2: very very long time. His name is doctor John Rosemond.
4:50
Speaker 2: He's written a bunch of books and he's just this
4:53
Speaker 2: really provocative, old school kind of guy. And here's what
4:57
Speaker 2: he has written in the last week. You should high
5:00
Speaker 2: five children because they're not our equals and they'll probably
5:04
Speaker 2: start disobeying you if you do. The high five is
5:08
Speaker 2: a gesture of familiarity to be exchanged only between equals.
5:13
Speaker 2: I love this. In the column that he wrote, he
5:15
Speaker 2: explained how he refused to high five his grandson when
5:18
Speaker 2: he was five years old, much to his adult son's confusion,
5:21
Speaker 2: adding that respect for adults is important for a child's
5:24
Speaker 2: character development, and the high five is not compatible with respect.
5:28
Speaker 2: I love this. Check out. This is a direct quote.
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Speaker 2: The child who was allowed to high five an adult
5:32
Speaker 2: has tacit permission to talk to said adult as if
5:36
Speaker 2: they are peers. Do not wonder why if you high
5:39
Speaker 2: five your child, he often talks to you as if
5:40
Speaker 2: you are his equal, he wrote, and then he concluded
5:43
Speaker 2: with the more adults and children co minglers if they
5:46
Speaker 2: are equals, the more problematic become their relationships. Why should
5:49
Speaker 2: a child obey an adult who high fives him? And
5:51
Speaker 2: make no mistake, the happiest kids are also the most obedient,
5:54
Speaker 2: the research says, so as does one's common sense. He
5:57
Speaker 2: sort of writes like he's in the eighteen hundreds, I think,
6:00
Speaker 2: but wow, I love this. I love this. My pro
6:05
Speaker 2: tip high five as many kids as you possibly can,
6:08
Speaker 2: because I don't think it's actually going to hurt anyone
6:10
Speaker 2: In the long run.
6:11
Speaker 1: Wow, I'm speechless.
6:16
Speaker 2: This is one of the weirdest things that I've ever
6:19
Speaker 2: read in the world of parenting. But this guy, he's
6:24
Speaker 2: known for doing these kinds of things. He's really hardcore,
6:27
Speaker 2: really old school, one of those strictly parenting kind of guys.
6:31
Speaker 2: And I don't know. I mean, I hear a story
6:34
Speaker 2: like that, and I think, unfortunately, there are people who
6:36
Speaker 2: will listen to this guy, and there's just no research.
6:40
Speaker 2: There's no research to support this. I mean, involvement and
6:43
Speaker 2: warmth and nurture. If you've got a kiddo who's struggling
6:47
Speaker 2: with something and they achieve it, give them a high five,
6:49
Speaker 2: give them a hug.
6:50
Speaker 1: I think about the people have been most influential in
6:52
Speaker 1: my life, especially as a child, whether it be a teacher,
6:56
Speaker 1: you know, like a family friend. They haven't been the
6:59
Speaker 1: people who treated me like a subordinate. They've treated me like,
7:04
Speaker 1: in some ways, like I was equal to them, that
7:07
Speaker 1: I was human and deserved, you know, the same rights
7:10
Speaker 1: as they did.
7:11
Speaker 2: I feel like I should really struggling divine words.
7:14
Speaker 1: I'm blowing away that this has even been published.
7:17
Speaker 2: I feel like I should give you a high five
7:19
Speaker 2: after that comment. And I feel safely able to do
7:22
Speaker 2: it because you're not one of my children. So high five, Kylie. Yeah,
7:27
Speaker 2: so that's my first story this week in parenting. If
7:31
Speaker 2: you have children who do something awesome, or you have
7:34
Speaker 2: children that you love, give them a hug, give them
7:37
Speaker 2: a high five, be as familiar with them as you want.
7:39
Speaker 2: Not going to do any damage at all. I just
7:41
Speaker 2: want to undo the damage that the John Roseman's of
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Speaker 2: the world are doing by telling us not to hype
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Speaker 2: five kids.
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Speaker 1: You know his statement about the happiest kids are the
7:50
Speaker 1: most obedient kids, And I even refute that. Yeah, while
7:54
Speaker 1: ever our children are being obedient, where's the learning.
7:58
Speaker 2: Coming or where's their voice? My kids will be happy
8:01
Speaker 2: if they're obedient, there's no doubt, but the reasons for
8:04
Speaker 2: their obedience.
8:05
Speaker 1: About internal motivation as opposed to the extensic motivation that
8:09
Speaker 1: they receive in order to be obedience.
8:13
Speaker 2: Wow.
8:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a doozy to start the week. Oh.
8:16
Speaker 2: I've got a friend who has a collection of John
8:18
Speaker 2: Rosmond quotes from his column. He says stuff like this
8:21
Speaker 2: all the time. It's just a crack up, And I
8:23
Speaker 2: wanted to highlight love your kids, not to your kids.
8:26
Speaker 2: Ignore people who say dumb things like that. There's no
8:29
Speaker 2: research evidence to support it at all. It's just annoying.
8:31
Speaker 2: A second piece of research. I love this. Now this
8:34
Speaker 2: is not the doctor's desk, but I am going to
8:36
Speaker 2: talk about research, not news, because it's research news. It's
8:39
Speaker 2: a bit both. Don't roll your eyes at me. It's
8:40
Speaker 2: really funny. You're gonna love this in news That may
8:44
Speaker 2: not surprise some parents. Parents of boys age faster than
8:49
Speaker 2: parents of girls. This is why we look so good
8:52
Speaker 2: six daughters, which is so funny because I think girls
8:56
Speaker 2: are so hard, such hard work, compared to boys. I
8:59
Speaker 2: don't know what's going on here. New study by researchers
9:01
Speaker 2: at Columbia University in New York and Charles University in
9:03
Speaker 2: Prague found parents with at least one son showed a
9:06
Speaker 2: faster rate of cognitive decline compared to those with daughters. Oh,
9:10
Speaker 2: that's what it is. So the girls keep you on
9:12
Speaker 2: your toes, that's what it is.
9:14
Speaker 1: Yeah. I was just thinking about all of the risk
9:16
Speaker 1: taking that boys will take.
9:18
Speaker 2: So they're not measuring gray hair. They're not saying you
9:20
Speaker 2: look older. They're saying that as a cognitive decline issue.
9:23
Speaker 2: So published in the published in the Journal of Psychiatric Research.
9:27
Speaker 2: Research is assessed thirteen two hundred and twenty two parents
9:30
Speaker 2: aged fifty and above, asking them to complete a series
9:33
Speaker 2: of tasks like memory, recall, maths and counting backwards. Have
9:36
Speaker 2: Those assessed more than eighty percent had at least one son,
9:40
Speaker 2: and sixty one point six percent of respondense were women.
9:42
Speaker 2: Tests were conducted every two years over an eighteen year period. Wow,
9:46
Speaker 2: and the results weren't great news for those with sons,
9:48
Speaker 2: especially multiple sons. Similar results were seen in both male
9:51
Speaker 2: and female participants, and as the research has adjusted results
9:54
Speaker 2: for any socio economic factors, they found that the child's
9:56
Speaker 2: gender played a role in the decline. Parents they said
9:59
Speaker 2: of it lea one son had a faster rate of
10:02
Speaker 2: cognitive decline in comparison to parents without any son. Our
10:05
Speaker 2: results also suggest that cognitive decline was faster among parents
10:08
Speaker 2: of multiple signs compared to parents with only daughters.
10:11
Speaker 1: I've heard that you use it or you lose it, Yes,
10:14
Speaker 1: and I'm wondering whether or not the fact that generally speaking,
10:19
Speaker 1: girls include you in their life a lot more, and
10:22
Speaker 1: you've got to deal with so much more emotion than
10:25
Speaker 1: boys in general, and as a result, you're using all
10:30
Speaker 1: of those cognitive processes so much more because of that involvement.
10:34
Speaker 2: You don't have a psychology degree, and you haven't seen
10:36
Speaker 2: this article. This is the first you've heard of it,
10:38
Speaker 2: but have listened to what the researchers said to help
10:41
Speaker 2: to explain why it might be happening. See if you
10:43
Speaker 2: notice any similarities between your comments and theirs the researcher
10:47
Speaker 2: who headed the study, Katrine will Fover. So the results
10:51
Speaker 2: suggest the effects are due to socializing issues, not biological issues. Quote,
10:57
Speaker 2: daughters provide more social and emotional support.
11:02
Speaker 1: I don't know if i'd use the word You don't
11:04
Speaker 1: use the word support, but you were talking about social
11:06
Speaker 1: and emotional stimulation.
11:07
Speaker 2: I guess social and emotional taxing work. They're requiring more
11:11
Speaker 2: of you socially and emotionally. But they've said daughters provide
11:14
Speaker 2: more social and emotional support than suns and often become
11:17
Speaker 2: informal caregivers. So you've come at it from a different angle.
11:20
Speaker 2: I tend to agree with yours, but I haven't gone
11:22
Speaker 2: through the whole thing.
11:22
Speaker 1: I'm watching obviously as our eldest daughter. She's left home
11:25
Speaker 1: now and she is very much that emotional and social
11:29
Speaker 1: support for me now, and I can see that happening
11:33
Speaker 1: as the kids get older. But in those early stages,
11:35
Speaker 1: definitely it's not supportive. Yeah, so you're doing this support.
11:38
Speaker 2: It doesn't say anything about whether you look, doesn't say
11:41
Speaker 2: anything about whether you look younger or older. But I'm
11:44
Speaker 2: going to take it anyway and run with it and say, yeah,
11:46
Speaker 2: having so all those.
11:47
Speaker 1: Years everybody said I was missing out on something because
11:49
Speaker 1: I didn't have sons, I can I can just water
11:53
Speaker 1: off a duck's back.
11:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, one hundred percent. Now. The last article that I
11:56
Speaker 2: want to talk about briefly is one that's in The Atlantic.
11:58
Speaker 2: The Atlantic is one of the one of the best
12:00
Speaker 2: publications in the world. I love reading their articles often,
12:02
Speaker 2: not always, but often, and this one says, we long
12:06
Speaker 2: for the most difficult days of parenthood. Older parents are
12:09
Speaker 2: always telling parents of young children to cherish every second.
12:13
Speaker 2: It will be gone in a flash. But it's very
12:15
Speaker 2: difficult advice to follow in the thick of it. And
12:18
Speaker 2: I just thought, what a great story, what a great reminder.
12:20
Speaker 2: Because just as we've been doing the podcast in the
12:23
Speaker 2: last week or so, we've had a couple of conversations
12:24
Speaker 2: where we've talked about how awesome it is to have
12:26
Speaker 2: older kids, and how the conversations change and the amount
12:30
Speaker 2: of freedom that we have changes. There's so many really
12:32
Speaker 2: exciting changes that occur once you've got older children. But
12:36
Speaker 2: there is something so special about having toddlers that are
12:39
Speaker 2: crawling around on the floor and that you can grab
12:41
Speaker 2: their feet and pull them back while they're wearing their
12:42
Speaker 2: little jumpsuits and all that kind of stuff. Going to
12:46
Speaker 2: the grocery store with little kids is not nearly as
12:49
Speaker 2: fun as it is with big kids, Like little kids
12:52
Speaker 2: in the shops are literally the worst. But there's something
12:55
Speaker 2: about that thing. Do you ever find yourself looking at
12:57
Speaker 2: friends and saying, I enjoy enjoy those little kids because
13:01
Speaker 2: they will grow up and it's just not the same anymore.
13:03
Speaker 1: I may have said it once or twice, but I
13:05
Speaker 1: remember so many people saying it to me, and it
13:07
Speaker 1: just felt so dismissive of what I was experiencing at
13:10
Speaker 1: the time, so I don't tend to say it as much.
13:13
Speaker 2: Okay, well, I think it the article and we'll link
13:16
Speaker 2: to it in the show notes. The article was in
13:18
Speaker 2: The Atlantic, and it's just a beautiful reminder of even
13:22
Speaker 2: when you're in the thick of it if we can
13:24
Speaker 2: stop and smell the roses, so to speak, something magic
13:28
Speaker 2: about parenting. And I think that's really there's a lesson
13:30
Speaker 2: in that for all of us, and that is that
13:32
Speaker 2: parenting is kind of what we make it in a
13:34
Speaker 2: lot of ways. You might have a child that's got
13:36
Speaker 2: additional needs. You might have a whole lot of current
13:39
Speaker 2: economic pressure because it's hard to find a place to rent,
13:42
Speaker 2: or the mortgage has gone up and they're worried about
13:44
Speaker 2: with it or not you can continue to pay the bills.
13:46
Speaker 2: Or it could be that there's learning difficulties, or there's
13:48
Speaker 2: problems at school, there's teething issues, you're not sleeping through
13:51
Speaker 2: the night, all that stuff. But it happens at every age.
13:55
Speaker 1: But whether you've got children or not, there's challenge. That's
13:58
Speaker 1: part of life. That's you know, you don't really feel
14:01
Speaker 1: like you're living unless there's some give and take, and
14:04
Speaker 1: the learning takes place in the.
14:05
Speaker 2: Hard precisely precisely. In fact, as I consider the hard
14:08
Speaker 2: things we've been through recently with our kids, I think
14:11
Speaker 2: that it's made me a better parent. I feel like
14:13
Speaker 2: I'm seeing parenting differently in the last few weeks to
14:16
Speaker 2: how I've ever seen it. I'm seeing things now that
14:18
Speaker 2: I've never seen before. I feel like my parenting is
14:21
Speaker 2: going to a whole new level just in the last
14:22
Speaker 2: few weeks because of the hard things that we've.
14:24
Speaker 1: Experienced for the last twenty three years.
14:27
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, but it's twenty three years of it and
14:30
Speaker 2: counting we've still got at least another ten to go.
14:32
Speaker 1: What do you mean that we don't have another ten years?
14:34
Speaker 1: It's going to go forever.
14:35
Speaker 2: Well, ten ten years of kids being in our house
14:37
Speaker 2: dependent on us, like the kind of thing.
14:39
Speaker 1: Well, then the grandkids come, well, I.
14:41
Speaker 2: Know, but we can send them away. But the whole
14:44
Speaker 2: this week in Parenting, I just wanted to highlight this
14:46
Speaker 2: article and send people to it to read it. I
14:48
Speaker 2: think it's a beautiful article. It's a great reminder that
14:50
Speaker 2: there will always be challenging trial savor every stage. There
14:54
Speaker 2: is something though about kids in the early stages of
14:58
Speaker 2: childhood that you just want to cherish, even when it's hard.
15:02
Speaker 2: Just cherish it. That's out this week in Parenting. Not
15:05
Speaker 2: not quite as explosive as the last one, but a
15:08
Speaker 2: great conversation about high fiving, really fascinating idea that you
15:11
Speaker 2: age bore if you have boys than girls, and can
15:14
Speaker 2: we just enjoy parenting because parenting it's where we find
15:17
Speaker 2: abundance in life. That's it.
15:20
Speaker 1: I love it.
15:21
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15:23
Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Creig Bruce is our executive producer. We so
15:26
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15:28
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16:01
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