Latest / The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson / The Freedom of Not Having to Prove Anything

Transcript

The Freedom of Not Having to Prove Anything · The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson

• 0:42
  Welcome back to The Humanistic Leader. I'm Craig Nathanson, and today we're
• 0:47
  having another conversation from the park bench.
• 0:51
  I've been thinking about something lately.
• 0:53
  Looking back over my life, I've come to realize that I became something of an
• 0:57
  expert at being lost in the middle of it.
• 1:00
  Now, that's probably not the kind of expertise you put on your resume.
• 1:04
  But it's true. For much of my life, I was trying to figure out where I was going
• 1:08
  and what I was supposed to accomplish and whether I was doing enough.
• 1:12
  And here's the funny thing. Even when things were going well,
• 1:16
  I could still feel a little lost.
• 1:18
  There were responsibilities, goals, opportunities.
• 1:23
  From the outside, life could look perfectly fine. But inside,
• 1:27
  there was often another question.
• 1:29
  What's next? What else should I be doing? What else do I need to prove?
• 1:34
  Maybe you've asked yourself those questions, too. Maybe you've been somewhere
• 1:38
  in the middle of life, working hard, doing your best, and wondering why it always
• 1:45
  doesn't feel like enough.
• 1:47
  Well, pull up a seat. I think we have something worth talking about.
• 1:52
  I spent a good part of my professional life in corporate America,
• 1:55
  and in that world, there was always something to measure.
• 1:58
  Performance, Recognition, title, you know, results Now it's hard,
• 2:04
  I pursued opportunities, I kept moving,
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  But here's something I really didn't fully appreciate at the time There's a
• 2:12
  difference between enjoying achievement and needing achievement to feel good
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  about yourself Sometimes that line becomes awfully difficult to see.
• 2:22
  I remember how easy it was to measure a day by what I had accomplished rather
• 2:26
  than how I'd actually experienced it.
• 2:29
  The next objective was always waiting. If I put myself back into my corporate
• 2:34
  jobs, I remember how every day I had a mixture of anticipation and pressure.
• 2:41
  You know, what would I accomplish today? Who would notice? I hope I don't make
• 2:44
  any mistakes. Who am I being evaluated against?
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  But there was always this kind of little bit of anxiety Of feeling like there
• 2:51
  were just things I couldn't control day to day,
• 2:55
  I don't regret working hard though I don't regret wanting to succeed I do wonder
• 3:00
  how many moments though I missed Because I was so focused on whatever came next,
• 3:06
  Maybe you spent years yourself trying to be the dependable employee The successful
• 3:11
  manager, the good parent The person who always has the answers There's nothing
• 3:16
  wrong with any of those things.
• 3:18
  Until you begin to believe that your worth depends on continuing to prove them.
• 3:22
  And the strange part is that nobody may be asking you to prove anything anymore.
• 3:27
  Sometimes we're the ones still keeping score.
• 3:31
  I also find there's something interesting about achievement.
• 3:34
  It always doesn't come with a finish line.
• 3:37
  You accomplish something, and before you've had time to enjoy it,
• 3:40
  another possibility appears, another position, another project,
• 3:44
  another opportunity, another way to improve yourself.
• 3:49
  I've spent years teaching people about personal growth, and I still believe in it deeply.
• 3:54
  But lately, I've been asking whether personal growth always has to mean becoming more.
• 3:59
  Maybe sometimes growth means becoming more comfortable with who we already are.
• 4:05
  Not long ago, I was walking along a trail when I overheard a woman talking about,
• 4:11
  you know, the estimated trade value of a car.
• 4:14
  And I started wondering what my own estimated trade value might be.
• 4:20
  I'm a professor, a writer, husband, a dad.
• 4:24
  I've accumulated, you know, some mileage A few dents,
• 4:28
  along the way The maintenance record, though, is reasonably good,
• 4:33
  I'm just not sure who's mine I laughed, but the thought stayed with me Because
• 4:38
  isn't that what we spend so much of our lives doing Increasing our trade value,
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  Another degree, another skill Another accomplishment,
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  another improvement Even personal development can begin to, you know,
• 4:52
  sound like a maintenance schedule.
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  And I began wondering whether I needed to keep upgrading myself quite so aggressively.
• 4:59
  Maybe this version of me is doing okay.
• 5:02
  Not perfect, not finished, but okay.
• 5:06
  Here's another little experience that made me laugh. I picked up recently a
• 5:09
  copy of one of my books, Joyful Work, The Five Stages in Midlife.
• 5:13
  I was going to use parts of it with my students. And I discovered that this
• 5:18
  particular copy of this book had been printed backward. That's right, backward.
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  Not upside down, backward.
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  The last page came first, and the first page came last.
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  Of course, I fixed it. I'm still me.
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  But there was something, I don't know, something wonderfully appropriate about it.
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  For someone who had spent so much time trying to figure out what comes next,
• 5:40
  here was a book where everything came next in the wrong direction,
• 5:45
  It reminded me that not every unexpected turn can be a disaster,
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  sometimes it's just a story Sometimes you could laugh, fix what needs fixing, and keep going,
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  And sometimes when life refuses to follow the order you expected,
• 5:59
  it gives you a chance to ask a better question.
• 6:02
  I remember teaching in China. I had carefully planned an entire program,
• 6:07
  40 hours of teaching, activities, discussions, and exercises.
• 6:12
  Everything organized, just like I like it. And then life intervened.
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  One day disappeared because of an unexpected event. Another day,
• 6:21
  the building lost power.
• 6:23
  Suddenly, a substantial part of my carefully prepared program was gone.
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  I panicked, at least, you know, for a little while. And then I adjusted I shortened
• 6:33
  some things Moved others around Changed the sequence You know,
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  improvised And everything was fine.
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  I remember though In the moment I did panic for A couple minutes I was like
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  Oh my gosh What am I going to do With my students now,
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  I could take them outside Except it was 10 degrees Fahrenheit Too cold There
• 6:54
  was no No heat left Or electricity left In the building It was dark,
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  And I froze But within two minutes.
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  I figured out Many, many solutions So that experience taught me something important
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  I can make a plan without requiring life to obey it,
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  But I'm beginning to think There's an even deeper lesson Maybe freedom isn't
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  just knowing we can change the plan Maybe sometimes freedom is not needing a plan at all,
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  That brings me back to the park bench. Not long ago, I was out walking and I
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  had a question on my mind.
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  What am I still waiting for permission to do?
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  I thought it was a pretty good question. Surely there must be something,
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  some new direction, some opportunity, some change I needed to make.
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  But I couldn't come up with an answer. And then I saw a man sitting on the park
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  bench where I usually like to sit.
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  Now, I realized I don't actually own this bench, but I had become rather attached
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  to it. And this man was doing absolutely nothing.
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  He wasn't reading. He wasn't looking
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  at his phone. He wasn't listening to anything. He was just sitting.
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  And I realized something. That's what I wanted to do. Nothing.
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  So I found another bench and I sat down. And for about 15 minutes,
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  I looked at the trees. I felt the wind. You know, I watched the people pass by.
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  I wasn't planning. I wasn't preparing.
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  I wasn't trying to become a better version of myself. I wasn't even trying to
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  have some profound insight.
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  I was simply there and it felt wonderful.
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  It felt wonderful to slow down. I felt the wind on my face. You know,
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  I looked at some trees and saw leaves blowing. I found a bush that was really pretty.
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  I noticed a few houses on the blog I hadn't noticed before.
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  Looked up at the clouds, which I hadn't done since maybe when I was a kid,
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  and see if they could move.
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  For much of my life, I had been looking for permission to do the next thing.
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  But maybe the permission I needed was permission to stop looking,
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  at least for a little while.
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  Imagine that, a whole 15 minutes that didn't need to produce anything.
• 9:00
  Not long after that, I came home tired. I wasn't feeling particularly well.
• 9:04
  And I had a plan. Take a nap.
• 9:07
  Natasha was home and she said, have your lunch. I told her I was going to nap.
• 9:12
  She encouraged me again.
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  Have your lunch. You'll feel better.
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  I resisted. After all, I had a plan.
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  But then I ate. She had prepared a beautiful lunch and I took it outside and I sat in the sun.
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  And there I was. Enjoying lunch Feeling a little bit better And laughing at
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  myself The nap could wait Or maybe it wouldn't happen at all.
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  You see, nothing dramatic had changed. I hadn't discovered a new career,
• 9:38
  reached some grand milestone, or solved a major problem.
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  I had simply allowed the day to answer back.
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  And that's kind of a freedom, too. The freedom not to optimize every moment.
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  The freedom to notice something good that's already in front of us.
• 9:53
  So let me ask you something. What are you still trying to prove? And to whom?
• 9:59
  Maybe you're trying to prove you're successful. Maybe you're trying to prove
• 10:03
  you made the right career choice.
• 10:05
  Maybe you're trying to prove you're a good parent, a good partner,
• 10:08
  or simply someone whose life has mattered.
• 10:11
  Or maybe you don't even know what you're trying to prove anymore.
• 10:14
  You just know that you're tired from trying.
• 10:17
  I understand that feeling. I do. I don't think there's anything wrong with ambition.
• 10:22
  I still love teaching. I still love writing. I still get excited about,
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  you know, new opportunities.
• 10:28
  I don't want to stop growing, but I want to enjoy the life I'm living while I'm growing.
• 10:32
  I don't want every accomplishment to become merely the starting line for the
• 10:35
  next one And I don't want every quiet moment to begin another opportunity for self-improvement,
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  Maybe you don't need to make a major change today Maybe you don't need to find
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  a new career Move somewhere else, reinvent yourself Maybe the first thing is
• 10:51
  simply recognizing that you have value before you accomplish the next thing,
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  You don't have to earn the right to enjoy your own life,
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  I wish I'd understood some of this much earlier But perhaps.
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  That's part of being human.
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  Perhaps that's, you know, we just discover that we learn things when we're ready to learn them.
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  And sometimes we have to spend a long time searching before we realize what
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  we've been searching for.
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  So wherever you are in your life right now, especially if you're feeling a little
• 11:23
  lost, I hope you remember something.
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  You don't have to have everything figured out. You don't have to know exactly
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  where you're going. And you certainly don't have to prove your worth to me.
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  You're welcome on this bench just as you are.
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  Maybe that's enough for today. And before I go, thank you to everyone who's
• 11:43
  been listening to The Humanistic Leader.
• 11:45
  I've been looking at our podcast statistics, and it's wonderful to see that
• 11:49
  these conversations are reaching people in different parts of the world.
• 11:53
  If you've enjoyed, you know, our time together, I'd love for you to follow the
• 11:56
  podcast on your favorite listening app.
• 11:59
  That way you'll know when our next conversation is ready.
• 12:02
  And if someone in your life might need a little more time on the park bench,
• 12:06
  Perhaps you'll share this episode with them,
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  Because sometimes one conversation at just the right moment can make a difference,
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  Until next time, I'm Craig Nathanson Keep learning,
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  keep growing Most importantly, keep finding the joy in being human I'll see you on the park bench.