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Triggers and Self-Respect · We Are The Same

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, I hope you've had a beautiful week.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: In today's episode, we're going to conquer part of a massive topic, which is the concept of respect.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: More so, when you're being triggered, how do you know if it's for the higher good or if you should have more self-respect?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or if someone is saying things to you that are hurtful, is it a lack of self-respect to not speak up?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: When you're in a tumultuous relationship and the emotions are turbulent, when is enough enough?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, what is self-respect?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: The term respect is completely subjective, for what you deem as respectful may be abhorrently different than what another does.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: We see this very clearly when it comes to social norms from culture to culture, even boiling down to table manners.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, self-respect and being triggered are not mutually exclusive because they both have to do with the ego and the processing of information based on trauma.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you're against drinking alcohol because your father was an alcoholic and you end up dating someone who drinks alcohol, there's no doubt that you're going to be triggered.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: But is having self-respect to not ever date someone who enjoys drinking?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it that you hope to change the person you're dating by asking them to give up alcohol?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: What if the person you're dating is nothing like your father when they drink?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your father was angry and aggressive when he drank, but your partner is sad and emotional.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: In this case, you're being triggered by just the consumption of alcohol.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: But does that mean that you're not having self-respect if you continue to date someone who drinks?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: When we talk about self-respect, we have to actually speak about the value system that we hold, because this is where the crux of the term self-respect comes from.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: What you value is what ultimately becomes your gauge for what self-respect is.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So when someone says to you, you need to have some self-respect, what they really mean is to do what they would do in the situation.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: It has zero to do with self-respect in all reality, because it is completely subjective based on that person's egoic value system.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you value consistency, stability, and routine, you're going to feel a lack of self-respect if you are with someone who is impulsive and likes to travel or move a lot.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because to your ego, their values are not matching up to yours.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you stay with this person having different values, you are clearly not respecting yourself because they won't change for your happiness, right?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Triggers on the same hand are simultaneously occurring because you're being triggered by the fact that this person that you're with has different values than you, which ultimately make your value system seem invalidated.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: All you want is consistency, stability, and routine.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with that?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing is wrong with that.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: But this other person values freedom of movement, freedom of choice, and ephemera.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with that?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing is wrong with that either.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: You may be triggered by their desire for physical movement, just as they may be triggered by your desire for physical stagnancy.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: But either way, are you both not respecting yourselves for wanting to be with each other?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: What you're both doing is expecting the other's ego to be more like yours, in turn, validating your own ego's value system.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Triggers and self-respect are one and the same thing.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you are triggered by something, you are simply not aligning with the values of another.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you may not agree with those values, and that's completely fine.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: But every ego has its own journey, traumas, and reasoning.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And believing that you are having a lack of self-respect by not speaking up when your ego feels as if its value system is under attack is not actually self-respect.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: In actuality, it's a very quick processing of the brain in which the ego says, I care about this person, this person is saying something that is just like so-and-so said to me, which created a trauma response, I feel out of control, I would never make this other person feel this way or say these things, this person's values don't line up with mine, I'm disrespecting myself if I don't stand up for what I believe.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Here is the harsh reality that no ego wants to actually acknowledge, because it would start to dismantle the ego's belief in its ultimate power.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what people say to you.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what people think of you.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: It only matters to the ego because the ego likes to feel like it is the most important thing in the world, which is why it comes up with concepts such as self-respect, boundaries, self-esteem, self-confidence, and selfishness, which are all subjective.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: For a relationship to work, however, it is important that you be upfront about your value system.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Self-respect is simply what the ego is willing to accept, based on its previous trauma responses and programming.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: In the case of alcohol drinking, you have every right to say to someone, I value a completely sober partner and this is what I want.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: But you also can't claim that you're not being respected or having self-respect if you willingly enter into a relationship with someone who you know drinks, whom you had hoped would change, but now you're pissed off at and triggered because they didn't.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's not self-respect when you decide to leave them, but rather having not been honest with yourself and having had expectations for the other to become what your ego wanted them to be.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: It was not caring about their value system, whether your ego agrees with said value system or not.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Self-respect is a construct the ego creates when it doesn't want to deal with something anymore that's causing it pain.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's also a societal construct that we hold on to because we want to fit into society.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not attached enough to a situation where someone is arguing with you, are you lacking self-respect if you just listen to them and don't respond?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: No, and that's because you don't hold the same values as they do about this particular situation.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So you can see it for what it is, them being triggered and valuing something you don't really care about.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: You have to figure out what your ego values and what it's willing to work through when it's triggered.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you practice mindfulness and non attachment enough, your ego won't believe every time something uncomfortable happens that you're not respecting yourself, because it won't actually be painful to the ego anymore.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, all of my best and highest vibrations to you.