Latest / The Mami Collective / How to Be the Mom Your Child Can Always Come To with Amanda McDonnell
Transcript
- Paulina: If you're a mom who needs just one night that's all about you, I need you at Mama Name Easy, the Mommy Collective Summit on October 1st at the Mayfield in Chicago. We're talking incredible food and drinks, local vendors, live music, amazing raffles, inspiring conversations, and our signature panel featuring moms who are building careers, businesses, and lives they love. Plus, I'm excited to announce that Anna Belleval will be joining us as our surprise guest for a live conversation and audience Q<unk>A. Trust me, you don't want to miss this one. Grab your tickets now at theMommy Collective.com. I'll see you there. Welcome to The Mommy Collective. I'm Paulina Rowe, radio host, TV contributor, writer, and mom of one. This is where ambitious moms come to keep their identity intact while navigating motherhood. Here we talk about the real stuff, career, Money, relationships, identity, and everything that gets messy in between. You won't find sugarcoating or cliches. What you will find are unfiltered conversations, real resources, and proof that you don't have to lose yourself to be a good mom. The mommy collective is here to remind you you can be ambitious, you can take up space, and you can thrive in motherhood and in everything else that makes you you. Before we get into the episode, make sure you're following the mommy collective on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram. And share this podcast with a mommy in your life who Needs a little inspiration or just a reminder that she's killing it. Also, don't forget to sign up for our newsletter and leave us a review so we can keep showing up and reach every ambitious mom out there doing big things. Let's get into it. It is the Mommy Collective, Paulina here, another episode. And I'm so excited to have you today. I have Amanda McDonald joining me. How are you, girlfriend? I'm so good. Thank you for having me. Thanks for being here. So, Amanda, you're a licensed professional counselor, registered plate therapist, school counselor. And you've experienced working with children, teens, family, anxiety, depression, trauma, all the stuff that I feel like one way or another, yeah you've dealt with it, you're dealing with it. Is that kind of true? Totally, yes. I started ⁓ getting my master's in counseling and then worked inpatient for a little bit. ⁓ didn't necessarily intend on working with teenagers, but like life just like all these job opportunities kept being teenagers. And then before I knew it, I was like, okay, this is a fun demographic. Never intended to end up in a school counseling role. ⁓ really enjoyed doing like clinical, public health setting kind of things. And then this school role has just been fabulous. So that's been my pivot in the last like decade or so. ⁓ that's awesome. So what made you wanna understand how people, specifically now with teens, right, how people think and feel? What kind of like gravitated you towards that? So I always wanted to not always, I was really interested in working with families, especially kids. didn't think I could be a teacher. That is like they are the most special breed of all people. And I did not think I would have the patience for that and learned through school that in counseling you can still work with kids, right? I you still have to work with the families, which is great. But you get to be kind of teaching adjacent. And so that's how this whole thing got started. And then as I got further into it, I noticed that a lot of people have really interesting takes on therapy. Some are just not into it at all, which I totally understand. All it takes is n one kind of not great experience, and then you don't want to go back. And I really enjoyed kind of building stronger rapport with people using neuroscience to bridge kind of some of the woo-woo therapy concepts that people like deep breaths. It's like I'm tired of being told to take a deep breath. And it's like, but wait, if I could tell you what it does. on a neuroscience level and how we're literally rewiring your brain when we do these sort of things. And I just really started to enjoy anchoring kind of the practice of therapy in some pretty clinical stuff that I think got me some buy-in from people that wouldn't have necessarily wanted to try therapy. There's so much to unpack there and I'm really excited to do that here. No, because I'm like I have so many questions. But I am curious, like, was there like a moment maybe too early in your career when you realize like just how much children or kids carry like I think When you think about it, you're like, there's a kid. ⁓ kid plays, kid falls, kid laughs. But I feel like it's more complicated than that. Absolutely. There it was my first play therapy class, truly. There's a wonderful man. He actually just passed away. His name's Gary Landrith. He's like a real life Mr. Rogers. Not that Mr. Rogers wasn't real, but this was like one that was around. I got to meet him, just the most lovely man. And my play therapy professor also became a mentor of mine. And he's got a book and it's called The Art of Play Therapy. Truly I wish like parents would read it. It's just wonderful. And it just talks about like how play, and I'm a registered play therapist, that play is really like a kid's first language. And something about that really spoke to me and understanding that you can play with a kid and really get to a place where they can't name the names or label the feelings, but that play is so important to them. And just watching him, my mentor, learning in classes, realizing, ⁓ my gosh, this actually works. And then also I'm sure you felt the same way with radio, realizing like, and I'm kinda good at this. Like I can do this, you know? And obviously imposter syndrome is always a thing, but just that beautiful joining of like, I'm good at this, I can help people, this is a passion and a purpose, and I see it working and I want to be part of it. Absolutely. And also you completed an internship, I believe, right? Was this in Dallas that I read about? ⁓ yes. So y Yes. Yeah. My my first internship was at the Dallas Children's Advocacy Center, which I'm sure Chicago's got a number of these too. I mean, they're just these incredible, longstanding nonprofits that are doing the Lord's work when I tell you this. I mean, and that was an incredible opportunity. I still can't believe as an intern that you're able to help at such a deep level like that. But these community services need it. Obviously with a lot of oversight and things like that. But this was an organization that was meant to help kids who had been physically, emotionally, sexually abused in some way. And it was really interesting because at the beginning we got to work with the police officers and within the building there would be the CPS kind of section and the Dallas police section and then everyone working together. And again, just another completely new lens of like it's open twenty four seven. You know, this stuff never stops. And again, I think once you find a way to help, like actually tangibly help, it feels so good that you just can't help but keep going. ⁓ absolutely. And how do you feel like that experience? 'Cause I I'm a big I'm a big advocate and believer of of like internships. It doesn't even matter like what industry, right? Like we have different industries that you and I are in, but like we both, you I'm just putting out that we both intern and and done that role. So I'm curious how that's kind of shaped you into the counselor that you've become. I it's hard not to preach my own path because I really, really appreciated it. And I think it's led like yielded me a really successful position now because getting through a lot of the really hard internship hours and kind of earning your keep in that way. When you have the energy and the youth, a lot of the times to do it can be awesome. But no, I think internships are so important. And at one point I remember thinking that I would never see an intern level therapist. But after going through it, I realized, if anything, that intern is the most honored you've ever been. I mean, you remember your intern days, like you are there to impress and to show up and they're always being supervised by somebody. it was just a beautiful experience. So I definitely I encourage anyone to just Dip your toe into things when you can. I mean, 2026 looks a lot different intern landscape than I know when I was going through it. Mine was unpaid. That's another thing, is you just have to really hustle. But and I begged for that job afterwards, actually, by the way. And I was not bilingual, so I didn't get it, which is totally fair. But I remember at the time that also gave me like some new insight that I still am like, man, I wish I'd paid attention longer in Spanish because I really think like that's so important in this role. But anyways, I wanted that job so badly and it didn't work out, but totally like rejection is protection in that way. I a hundred percent agree. ⁓ no, that's that's very valid. That's a hundred percent valid. And then what about ⁓ but you're a mom of two, right? So you have two little girls. they are five and I'd say almost three, right? Yes, you're good. Okay, because your brother always says she's three. I'm like, she's not three. No, no, but she and G G are close. Yep, that's how I know. I know. I was like, I don't think she's three, but okay, I'm gonna go along with that. Sure thing. So being a mom of two with a five year old and right, like a two and a half year old, which I'm sure is just So not overstimulating at all, ever. I'm curious for you if if becoming a mom has changed the way that you do work with like children and families. Beyond. I'm probably gonna butcher this, but being mom has made me a better therapist. Being a therapist has not made me a better mom. I struggle with all of the exact same things that everybody else does, but my empathy has just gone through the roof. I look back at pre-kids and all the families I worked with and I I was never negligent. That's not it, but so flippant in the way that, you know, I remember parents coming to me really having a hard time with bedtime and just thinking like it was so easy to just we just gotta keep walking them back to their room. And you just gotta keep walking them back. And it's like, ma'am, have you had to do this at two AM, three a.m, four a.m. when you have a meeting at six A.m. You know, and it my advice hasn't changed, but I think my tone, my delivery, my time with parents. I really want to make sure parents feel supported more than I ever have before. I always appreciated obviously a family system. But since having kids, like you you just can't treat them in isolation. That doesn't, it doesn't work. ⁓ so I think I've just grown a better mentality to including like the more the merrier. Who else can we bring in to help your kid with things? But certainly I've just it's it's been humbling and it has slowed my role a little bit. ⁓ I'm sure. No, I mean it's I I can totally see that a hundred percent happening. Do you ever feel maybe like I don't know the word, a extra pressure, let's just call it that, to like raise, I'm gonna say quotations, right? Emotionally healthy kids or maybe like a certain kind of child when like 'cause this is literally your profession. Do you ever feel pressured or is that out the door? ⁓ beyond. I mean, I feel like I tr you know my sense of humor. I have set the bar low for everyone. I'm like, they are the counsellors' kids. They're gonna be so messed up. Like let's just Let's just go from there. And everyone's like, ⁓ my gosh, no, that's not the case. But it's true. I mean, my kids are definitely gonna have their own quirks because I overthink a lot of things. And obviously, like all of us parents are overthinking a lot. As long as the goal is just keeping happy and healthy kids, I think you're gonna be okay. But yes, I worry. For example, my daughter, we've got a neighbor who's a few years older. And so my daughter has been like privy to kind of more second grader things and she's only in kindergarten. And this is very normal in a lot of family dynamics once you have an older sibling. ⁓ but so she has started watching the descendants, which can be like kind of racy. Like it can be a little like some of the dolls are looking like kind of funny and like, you know, all these different things. And she wants to carry them around everywhere. And I'm like, ⁓ my God, of course they're like the counselor's kid is obsessed with these like, you know, dolls in these mid drifts with like fishnet tights and all these other things. And I'm like No, I'm just trying not to make a thing of it. Cause once you make a thing of it, then they want it even more, you know. But I I certainly worry that I don't know, they'll be more like progressive in some ways or just, I don't know, whatever could come of being having a counselor is your mom. Yeah. I mean, I thought about that because like, you know, I work with somebody as well ⁓ on the show that I'm on the Fred Show, and her mom is a is a therapist, right? And she what you're saying, she has said about her mom. And I'm always like, can't be a thing, but it kind of most certainly does sound like it, you know? And I it might be. It might be, but I mean honestly, like at the end of the day, this is my theory about motherhood profession, whatever that may be. Like we're all truly trying the best that like we we can. We're all giving it like our all at the end of the day, you know, we're doing the best. Yes. And that it truly can look so different. Like being an excellent mother can look so, so different to every person for a number of reasons. I've had situations where we've had a parent who has need to needed to, you know, Uber Eats at night and maybe their child was in the car with them and someone took a problem with their kid being in the car late at night. And it's like that mom is doing everything she needs to do to keep that kid safe who and and to, you know, provide for her family. That child's not in danger. Who are we to say that that is not adequate parenting? And so it's just again, broadened my perspective taking beyond. Yeah. No, I was gonna ask about that too. Like you You are ⁓ definitely an empath. I think to be in the position that you're in, like you have to be, you know, and I'm I'll I'll die on that hill no matter what. I'm curious, how do you sort of separate some of the the hard situations, right? The hard cases, I'm gonna, you know, like overall, right? The the hard s part of your job. How do you separate that and like go home and get into mom mode, right? Or wife mode or just Amanda mode when you've carried like let's say so much all day, you know, or like just something really hard is like weighing on your heart. That happened with a child or a student. Totally. I think experience has helped. Luckily, I found in my situation, most things end up okay. And that you've learned that any little impact you could make during the day is better than nothing. And also just it's so cheesy, but all the self-care stuff, right? Just making sure that you've got somebody to talk to and that you're getting your energy out and exposed in some way. I have to prioritize sleep. And it's at the detriment of like hobbies and reading and catching up on shows, but like And honestly, probably at the detriment of having like, you know, conversations with my husband at night and things like that. But we just know that right now that is the best way to manage kind of the balance of an empath in this job and not. But yeah, always just having somebody to talk to and figuring out what you can actually do that helps you feel better. I love that advice. And though it's not cheesy, the self care stuff is so important. I it I always say for moms, like you gotta fill your cup before you fill theirs, you know, otherwise, ooh, what are you gonna pour, right? Yeah, exactly. No, not So obviously you're human like the rest of us, right? So when you may have moments that you're not super proud of, right? Let's say your daughter, you know, did something, my kid put paint on the wall the other day, right? And it just was a it wasn't a great day overall. And I I, for example, me, you know, I'm talking about me, I lost my temper just just a little bit. I understand that she's two, but I think it happens, right? We lose patience, parents yell, something you know, something goes wrong. But how do you kind of handle that guilt, right, that comes after reacting in a way, or or how can we as parents sort of handle that when it doesn't really align with the parent that we wanna be? Totally. So I know that I try to practice what is written in all of the things and it's that repair is more important than anything else. So honestly, like if you have a blow up or any sort of situation like that, it's okay, you're human and it's actually okay for your kids to see you fumble every now and again. There's actually ⁓ a lot of research too showing that we don't want them to just watch perfection that is impossible standard to live up to and it's not very healthy. So I just always try to first off, my husband and I definitely have like a kind of a look or it's like just go outside for a minute. And so one of us will just kind separate and then always make sure that we reconnect with the kid. Like, hey, mommy was I'm I I'm so sorry. I was so fussy. We use the word fussy a lot. And so it's like I'm so sorry that I was fussy. You didn't deserve to have me like act like that towards you. Like I love you and I think you're a wonderful girl. And so I just always try to focus on the repair. I will say my problem is I I like belabor it. I'm like so worried that I broke ⁓ after like one interaction, which is just not the case. Like not the case at all. They're totally resilient. And again, like it's okay for them to see you fumble because also we're modeling what that looks like when they make mistakes with their friends and with, you know, in school and all these other things. If they don't see it, they don't know. what that looks like. So always good to just model, you know, any sort of repair after something like that. You just really helped heal a little part of me because I feel like my outbursts have been a little more frequent than I would like. And I'm like, I'll never be that parent. I'll never be that parent. But it just happened. So no, for me right now, I would rather a cry than a whine. There is a specific whine right now that my dear maybe my baby has. And she's not even a baby, right? We were just saying she's like two. There is a wine. That just sets me off in a way. And I'm like, ⁓ my gosh, what is this rage? Like, what is where did this come from? But yeah, self-awareness is the key and certainly not holding yourself to a standard that you're gonna be perfect all day. I think that's just not it. What do you feel like is the line between giving kids space, right, to like feel their emotions, what they're going through, and then just like letting them run the house or the show. I feel like a lot of time You know, like whe where's that line? Totally. And again, like just know that this is all easier said than done. I feel like when we check in on me in a little bit, this advice may change, but you're allowed to be mad. You're not allowed to be mean. That's a big thing, is kind of separating an emotion from an action. You're allowed to be upset. You can't hit anything, you can't break anything. You know, I think is we really talk about the importance of words too. And I always try to remind parents, like, you're the parent, you are the adult, and the kids actually feel Better and safer when they have boundaries and they know that you are in control. Again, much easier said than done. You I've got these itty biddies. I'm not home with a teenager who can get mad at you and get mean at you, and they're big by that point. Like, not that they're gonna come at you, but that's a lot more intimidating than a an itty bitty who's smaller. But yeah, so I always try to say, just reminding, like, you are the parents that clear expectations, we want to be firm and fair. That's kind of the consistent messaging is And ⁓ the other thing I really, really like the language I like to use with littler ones, even honestly adults and teenagers too, is when you choose to do this, you choose to have this consequence. So when you chose not to listen to mommy, you chose to whatever it is, the consequence that you've set. Because it's reinstilling that they have like onus and power in what they're doing. In terms of like not letting emotions kind of like run the house, I think I I mean I want my kids to know they can feel what they feel. And we just don't need to be scared of our emotions. Like if you feel sad, that's okay. Let's get it out. And then we have like a little reset button that Polly has drawn on a piece of paper. And it's literally like her just a circle and she wrote reset on it. And so we put that somewhere and then she like whether and it's not because she's resetting after doing something wrong or having a consequence, but just learning how to be resilient. And so when she's done, if she's having a hard time kind of shaking it off, we'll be like, All right, let's go hit the reset button. And that physicality of like touching it. really kind of helps her and then we just move on. And so again, all of this is easier said than done, but I think finding what works for your family, giving the grace to your kid. And if you do notice a consistent pattern where like they really are having a hard time regulating themselves, talk to your pediatrician, talk to the school counselor. There's a million different people who can help you. And especially if you're in a public school, there are a lot of resources available to help you with that sort of thing. Cause your school counselor also, I mean it's a plug for me, but like A lot times it's a free resource, so it's a great place to start. Or I a pediatrician. Always a nice safe place to. ⁓ yeah. I feel like I've built a relationship with mine just because I I've always had questions since day one. I think once I'm I hate this story, but it's so funny. But like I like my daughter is like I I I was like bathing her or something and something looked off on her back. I I was like, this looks really off. I don't I don't know what this I I I I would call like two in the morning. I was that mom, I'm not gonna lie. But I went in and I was like, I don't know what this is and the doctor looked at me, she was like, That's her butt crack. And I was like, funny, like I just looked at them. And it like the night before it looked funny to me. And I'm like, no, we don't get it. It looked funny. It like dark. Like something was happening on her back. But when it's your baby, I mean every little thing. Yes, that's love for sure. But yes, no, I just always think it's nice. Just ask. What's the worst they're gonna tell you? Is your crazy mom? Sure, then so be it. Right. Literally. I mean, I'll take it. I totally get it. So you mentioned like words that you use and that you say, right, with your daughters. What words, if there are any, would you refrain parents from using? And I'm I'm asking specifically too about certain words. For example, I'm trying to be careful with sorry in terms of like I'm not trying to overuse it. I mean, obviously I mean it when I say it's my daughter, but I don't want to overuse it. And then this is like thinking very ahead, but I also don't want my daughter to grow up thinking just because someone says sorry That like it's okay, let's forgive it. You know what I mean? Because that person, this is like, I don't know, I'm too deep, maybe. But I start thinking, well, what if that person just says sorry and gets away with it? Whoever it is, a friend, a boyfriend, or whatever, right? In the future. So I'm like thinking like way ahead with this, but I'm like, I gotta stop using sorry. So and I I only say that word because I that's the one I I can think of, but other words that we shouldn't use or overuse, what do you think? ⁓ I don't know. That's a tough question. I don't know that there's necessarily like words that I would say not to use I just think always be curious. Like if you're wondering why you don't want to say sorry too much, like what is that for you? You know what I mean? And then also like maybe with her my husband and I are both external processors. We can talk your ear off. I mean it is of no surprise that these kids my kids are talkers. Like we just that's kind of the how it's been for us. But so if we talk about like saying sorry, I really will talk it out with them. Like why am I sorry? And you know, is what not to belabor the point by any means, but they don't know what sorry is. And so like they don't know what words are, like what these what the meaning to these things are until you show them and give them meaning to it. So we just talk, I mean ad nauseum sometimes, just about what does that mean? Or I'll even remember like I again, I'll probably talk too much, but I'll be like, I don't know if there's another opportunity that something comes up and I had made a mistake and did something, you know, wrong the last time I'll be like, ⁓ I remembered. Like last time I did that, and now I'm gonna try to remember not to do that. ⁓ it sounds a little Miss Rachely in a little sing-song-y, which I'm sure some people don't like, but I think the overall point I'm trying to make is just stay curious. Ask them, like, what does it mean when somebody says sorry? ⁓ has anyone at school ever said sorry to you? Like you can use whatever moment you're dealing with then and kind of broaden it into something else, especially if your kid's in school. I always like to ask Polly too, like if there's maybe To your original question, things that I don't want that parents maybe shouldn't do or shouldn't say. Sometimes I'll notice Polly will be saying something that like we don't say in our house. And I'm like, where'd you get that from? And we'll just talk about when like I wonder when that came up and like what does that mean to you? You know, and then we just talk about whether or not that's something that we say in our house. I the part of me that overthinks, because I have a lot of experience with disordered eating and not personally, but just in working with teenagers. I've gone to a lot of conferences and I like really hate things being labeled as healthy and unhealthy. And so that's something that I kind of struggle with is like making sure which as you know for kids, you just want them to eat. But I so I also but I can tell in in school they obviously label like your vegetables as healthy and they try to get you to eat your vegetables before you eat your pizza or whatever it is. And I'm trying to kind of manage that at home. Whereas even Colin and I, we I try really hard not to talk about weight in front of kids. I think so again back to like maybe not a word, but I think weight. I think being thoughtful about keeping the news on all the time in the background. That's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. Even if you're like, ⁓ they don't know what it is, it's like, yeah, but they don't have any context either. So it just doesn't it's yeah. Like they they don't know what to do with it. So again, just being thoughtful about some of these things that like it they're heavy context and maybe give again pulling again from other times like your experiences in their life when they've heard it or experienced it and what does it look like? Is that that was a wind long winded answer? No. That was a perfect answer. No, I I and I completely agree with everything that you're saying. I'm trying to be mindful too, like the weight or just things like that. Like, I mean, obviously I'm not talking about my two year olds' weight, but for me, if I say something, I'm like, where where do you think she's like gonna learn it? Where do we learn it from? Right? I think back then it was a little more normal to talk about weight. Like openly, whether it was like being critical or whatever. It's it was just so normal. And I don't want that for my kid. You know, I know you don't either. It's No, I think back to like the spritz salad dressings and like like literally in the spray bottles. You know, I mean, growing up in the nineties and two thousands was just a wild time for disordered eating. And obviously we're still seeing some of that now, but that's a different conversation. But yeah, no, there's just certain things that I'm like, ⁓ she's gonna figure it out at some point. I just wanna make sure we've got a really solid foundation. So maybe some topics that are helpful to just like come up with a shared language with in your family. ⁓ but no, I'm I love that I will say I'm pretty lax about like You can say no to your kid. You can, you know, you they're allowed to be sad about a consequence. Natural consequences are important. I just saw another and I d wish I could remember the name, but kind of one of the like TikTok Instagram psychologists, but a good one, ⁓ was mentioning that now the pendulum has swung in the way that we're like too reactive towards kids' emotions. Now they're like afraid to feel sad or afraid to feel anxious. When in actuality, like these are healthy emotions we need to teach them to feel. So I try also like let your kids have a feeling. It's okay if they're sad. It's okay if they're mad. They just can't hurt other people or hurt themselves. But allowing them to feel that way and you as the adult regulating yourself even when they are kind of like all over the place. Yes. Yes. Then you also mentioned as it was kind of my next point too, and I'm glad that you brought it up, but you sort of mentioned like you're very open, right? Like you you're in in the sense of like you'll you want your daughter to ask questions and stuff like that. So We have a lot of listeners that also have kids who are older, right? Who have kids that are teenagers, like you work with teenagers and then, you know, the the empty nesters or the twenty something. So it it's a w wide variety, which I absolutely love. And I'm curious of when that time comes, right? When our daughters will start asking questions. How do we create a welcoming kind of environment for that? Because I'm not gonna lie, Amanda, I have no idea how I'm gonna handle a lot of these questions. I mean, I know we're only two years old in this house, but That day is going to come, right? And there's multiple like layers of questions. I mean, think of us, like life, right? When you're 12, 13, 14, 15. So how do we sort of a start the conversations and then B, how do we kind of welcome them so our kids aren't necessarily hiding things or embarrassed? And I'm not saying that every kid is gonna do that, but you know, every kid's different, but or you know, teen is different. But how do we do that? Totally. So okay, back to my whole easier said than done. I just wanna like make sure that that is totally noted. ⁓ you know, I've always been told if you don't talk to ⁓ about the little things when they're little, then they won't talk to you about the big things when they're big. So you ask kind of how do we invite that and welcome that. I think you start that from a very young age. And that is something as easy as rose and thorn at the end of the day, right? What was your highlight, your peak and pit, rainbow or cloud, like what was your favorite part of your day and your least favorite part of your day? And you as the adult buying into that also, like you being equally as excited at bedtime to go over your rose and thorn and My God, of all the things that parents are supposed to do these days, I know it's a lot. A little ritual like that, starting from when they're young, can be really, really helpful. Just setting the tone that like I'm here and I I I am interested in your day and what you're doing. I also think too trying to not be on your phone when they're talking to you. They ⁓ if the teens tell me anything, they are like my parents have more of a problem with their like devices than I do. Like I mean, it's just So and and that that's really sad to hear is like they want to have connections with their parents, but they feel like they're always busy. And again, empathy in our school we have primarily to income households. So I completely understand like bills have to be paid. If there is a way to prioritize that, I think we forget that the kids are always watching and always listening, no matter the age. So I would say start when they're young. If you feel like ⁓ that chip has already sailed, it hasn't. A lot of times when I talk to parents of teenagers, they think they're not even listening anymore. They totally are. They are absolutely listening. They are still your baby. And quite honestly, that prefrontal cortex, like that last part of their brain to develop, is not even there yet. So it's just continuing to remember that if they come to you with heavy things also that we don't give like an initial reaction, like we're disappointed. I can't imagine how hard that's gonna be later. Like again, I will say I cannot imagine. But typically that's what the teens will come to me is I'll like, I know you can talk to your mom. I know your mom. She's or your dad. They're super chill. And they'll like, no, no, no, no, no. Cause last time I tried to say something, they freaked out and blah, blah, blah. ⁓ you know, and so and we are built to be creatures that learn patterns, ⁓ to keep ourselves safe. And so again, easier said than done. But I think if we can create some of these habits earlier and making sure that if we tell them you can call me at any time and I'm not gonna get mad that we really don't get mad when they call us at at any given time. Yeah. Just trying to like hold up to the standards that we set. What do you think? as far as the the teens that you work with, right? And maybe that kind of age group. What do you feel like is the number one reason or like the number one issue in today's society, right? For teens? I know like when we grew up, like, yeah, we had cell phones, but it's nothing like today, right? So I know we're in a kind of a different world for being honest. What do you feel like is the hardest thing that you that you hear your teens talk about? Well, and to preface, I'm at an academically super rigorous, it's a pretty bougie school, honestly. ⁓ and I mean that with like the utmost respect. I think the kind of issues that come up here are different than some of the ones that I had when I was an inpatient where we were talking about kids who were in CPS. I will say that I think some of the issues though that my the upper schoolers will come to me for can honestly be a little bit more complicated. And I don't mean that lightly. I mean sometimes for some of the people it was truly access to a meal, getting, you know, access to medication, having somebody to listen to them, being rehomed, whatever it was. By no means is that easy, but it was at least we were able to provide some consistence consistency pretty early. A lot of times with our kids, they just feel lost in this world. And that is like some deep heart work, you know. A lot of times ⁓ the kids that I see here, they have a house. They have not always the income, but enough. Typically access to, you know, food and medical care and thin and an education and things like that. But it's just feeling overwhelmed. I think that I I hate to be this way, but the comparison on social media like doesn't help. I think that's gonna be a narrative for a while. Again, they just don't ⁓ we as parents can tell them all day it doesn't matter, but again, that part of their brain's not there. So they're not really able to see it that way. AI has been freaking some of my kids out recently because they find that they just immediately open up like chat or Claude or whatever to help them with things. They kind of they feel like they've lost some of the initiative to like pause and think for themselves. I really feel for them on that. That's how these things were built to run and they've wor they've worked, you know? So just but again, that's all just kind of a common thread of anxiety. And I think just these kids wanting to make sure that they're doing all the right things at the right time, that we have a lot of first gen kids. That has been so eye-opening to me. Just all of the layers of being a first gen kid. You know, families not necessarily understanding like what homecoming is or prom is or what do we wear to this or you know, a corsage or a mom. Like, you know, we still do mums here. And like they it's so it's just it's a myriad of things, but a lot of it is like they're just feeling lost and looking for a belonging and a connection with someone. And I'm just hoping it's not Chat GBT, right? I'm like, keep going to the humans. Keep going to the humans. Yes. Always go to the humans. ⁓ Totally, totally. That's real. Yeah. I mean at the end of the day, like, you know, mine is let's say the smartphones and maybe AI, like I still feel like the common, you know, thread would just truly be like belonging, you know. And I think any teenager at any point of of history has probably felt that, right? Like, do I belong? People like me, you know, things like that, right? Am I fitting in, right? Like I I really do think it kind of stems down to that. A lot of times. I do think though in general, this is like a probably a really broad thing to say, but like I do think the kids are okay for the most part. Like I've been doing this since through COVID, as of a lot of obviously how many other clinicians out there. I was really worried for a little bit and like I just I do see the I've said this already, but I do think the pendulum often swings like one way or another. And I do think like we're not we don't allow phones in high school, in our upper school. Yeah, a lot of the kids have gone back to like, you know, digital cameras and like some of them brought walkie talkies and like we use a paper planner again and like they all like write out, you know, we're doing like junk journaling and I don't know, some of them are like they just don't even want social media anymore. Like I don't know, we're we're get I think we're getting there. Again, I'm sure something else will happen. But for now I feel like it's a pretty resilient group. Like and they I don't know, their peers seem to know how to take care take care of themselves, which I'm grateful for. That's great. ⁓ I'd love to hear that. Amanda, before we wrap up, ⁓ my last and final question for you is what do you hope that your girls, right? Your kids remember about how it felt to be raised specifically by you? my gosh, Paulina, that's like a huge question. ⁓ just loved. Just loved. I don't know what that will feel like to them, if that's like the physical stuff, the words, the presence. I just like want them to feel love. That's all. I think that's so beautiful. And I couldn't agree more. Like that's my answer to I mean, true. I was gonna say what's yours for Gigi. Same thing, just loved. I want her to know that she was always loved. Like, yes, like I know like you you're the same way, like you know, you're ⁓ such a busy mom, and obviously like you help like I I I don't do your kind of work. We're not even close. Like you help you actually help like families and kids and and teenagers and like I'm I'm just talking on the radio about, you know, Kim Kardashian's ass or something. And it's and great, it's fun. I just feel like I want my daughter to know, like, yeah, like despite all the different hats that I wore and and you know, everything that I do on a daily basis, like and whoever that I'm, you know, interacting with, like, I love her more than anything. And like I'm just so proud to be her mom. Like that's my number one job and dream, you know. To be her mom. So she knows it. Are you kidding me? She's so lucky to have you. ⁓ my god, stop it. Your girls are lucky to have you. I hear the funniest stories about them, by the way. Like I they're just they're so funny. It makes me want to have two. I'm tempted. I don't know if I'm gonna do it, but I'm tempted. We are finally seeing like the light at the end of the tunnel for sure. Like I was I those first couple of years are just brutal, but we're sleeping now. And I feel like that is huge, huge. Yes, you are on the other side. Yeah, it's good for you. I know, I know. I love it. ⁓ awesome. Amanda, I appreciate you so much and thank you for joining us today. Thank you. Thanks for having me.