Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 439. How to put someone in the past and leave them there for good

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439. How to put someone in the past and leave them there for good · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:22
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:26
Speaker 1: So this episode is about how to put someone in
0:30
Speaker 1: the past, leave them there, and move the fuck on. Okay, That,
0:36
Speaker 1: in a nutshell, is what today's episode is going to
0:38
Speaker 1: be all about. This goes for friends, It goes for xes,
0:42
Speaker 1: especially x'es. It goes for anyone, anyone that you might
0:47
Speaker 1: deem falls into that category. It could be a relative
0:49
Speaker 1: that you've cut out but you keep like this gear
0:52
Speaker 1: is back and forth and this and that, whoever the
0:55
Speaker 1: fuck it is. It could be a colleague that gave you,
0:57
Speaker 1: like so much animosity that you can't get out of
0:59
Speaker 1: your head, that you harbor so much hatred for and
1:02
Speaker 1: you're like, I'm just why can't I move past this thing?
1:05
Speaker 1: Whether it's hatred, whether it's sadness, whether it's whatever it is.
1:08
Speaker 1: How to put someone in the past and move the
1:11
Speaker 1: fuck on? Okay, Any strong emotion before we get into it,
1:16
Speaker 1: I've got to let you know that any strong emotion
1:18
Speaker 1: that you feel is going to keep you tied to
1:22
Speaker 1: that person, whether you like it or not, whether it's
1:25
Speaker 1: intentional or not. You might want to be like I'm
1:28
Speaker 1: done with this person, I'm done, but if you keep
1:30
Speaker 1: harboring all these feelings of like resentment, animosity, hatred, they're
1:37
Speaker 1: staying in your awareness. They're taking up space in your mind.
1:41
Speaker 1: What is it like real estate in your mind? And
1:43
Speaker 1: you're choosing to do that unintentionally. Sometimes it's an unintentional choice.
1:47
Speaker 1: You don't realize it's a choice, but you're doing that. Right. So,
1:51
Speaker 1: another thing that's really going to cause that is feeling
1:55
Speaker 1: owed something by someone. It's really hard to let go
1:58
Speaker 1: of someone and leave them in the p if you
2:00
Speaker 1: think that someone owes you something, because owing is it's
2:04
Speaker 1: like you're tethered to that person until they've repaid that debt.
2:09
Speaker 1: I can't forgive them. I can't forget about this, I
2:12
Speaker 1: can't get over it. I'm not gonna be able to
2:14
Speaker 1: move on. They owe me money, they owe me an explanation,
2:17
Speaker 1: they owe me justice, they owe me whatever this person
2:22
Speaker 1: owes you, you're gonna stay tired to them. Now, you
2:26
Speaker 1: might be in a situation where you're like, well I
2:27
Speaker 1: actually need to have that thing back. Well okay, fine,
2:30
Speaker 1: but you're still gonna be tied to them until they
2:32
Speaker 1: repaid that thing. Okay. Just know it that if someone
2:34
Speaker 1: owes you something. It's gonna be really difficult to completely
2:38
Speaker 1: leave them in the past and keep them in the past. Okay.
2:42
Speaker 1: The best way to move forward when it comes to
2:47
Speaker 1: detaching from someone emotionally is to create as much indifference
2:52
Speaker 1: as possible. The aim is indifference. I don't have to
2:56
Speaker 1: love this person. I don't have to start being like, oh,
2:58
Speaker 1: all the best finger no, no, no, Okay. I'm also
3:02
Speaker 1: not here to kid myself. I'm not fucking diluted, and
3:05
Speaker 1: I have to come up with all these compliments for
3:07
Speaker 1: some cunt that I actually like, don't ever want to
3:10
Speaker 1: deal with again. But I can be indifferent. I can
3:13
Speaker 1: be like, have the day you deserve. I'm in different
3:17
Speaker 1: whether that be good or bad, that's up to you.
3:19
Speaker 1: Like I'm indifferent, Okay, that's the aim. If you then
3:22
Speaker 1: want to get all like sunshines and rainbows and everything's peaching,
3:25
Speaker 1: I now have to really like this person that's on you.
3:27
Speaker 1: That's not what this podcast is about, because I'm not
3:28
Speaker 1: some mother Teresa. I'm just talking about indifference. So you
3:32
Speaker 1: can move forward. Now, why do these people stay in
3:36
Speaker 1: our lives? Now? Unfortunately, this episode isn't exactly going to
3:40
Speaker 1: be targeted at people that have like shared custody with
3:43
Speaker 1: an ex that they hate, Because this is different. If
3:45
Speaker 1: you want to deal with that, go listen to my
3:48
Speaker 1: episode on how to deal with cooked duds that are
3:51
Speaker 1: stuck in your life. I think is the name of
3:52
Speaker 1: the episode. I'll try and get Shanaia to link it
3:55
Speaker 1: in my show notes, but there is an episode for
3:57
Speaker 1: how to deal with people that are actually stuck in
3:59
Speaker 1: your life this and it. So if you're like, yeah,
4:01
Speaker 1: well I hate my expert, we have kids together, this
4:03
Speaker 1: is not the episode for you. This is for when
4:05
Speaker 1: I can actually get rid of someone in my life
4:07
Speaker 1: and I don't want them in my mind. I want
4:09
Speaker 1: them out of my head. I want them to stop
4:12
Speaker 1: infiltrating my thoughts, which then impact my decisions and my behaviors,
4:16
Speaker 1: and I think, oh, maybe I shouldn't do that because
4:17
Speaker 1: they're gonna No. I want peace. Okay, Now, why do
4:21
Speaker 1: these people stay in our mind and stay in our
4:23
Speaker 1: life so much? We don't realize how active we are
4:28
Speaker 1: as players in keeping someone in our awareness. A lot
4:32
Speaker 1: of it is unintentional, but a lot of it is
4:35
Speaker 1: also like behaviors that we actively do that keeps these
4:40
Speaker 1: people in our lives. Talking about them for the twenty
4:44
Speaker 1: thousandth time, that's one of them. Stalking their social media.
4:48
Speaker 1: That's another big one. Reviewing images from your past and
4:53
Speaker 1: messages from your past, rehashing, going over, rehashing, going over,
5:00
Speaker 1: putting up a post in hopes that this person sees it.
5:06
Speaker 1: You know, I want my friend to realize that, and
5:08
Speaker 1: I now have all these friends. And if your intention
5:11
Speaker 1: of uploading, whether it's a first trap, whether it's just
5:14
Speaker 1: a post to get someone jealous, whether it whatever it is,
5:16
Speaker 1: if in the back of your mind you're saying the
5:19
Speaker 1: reason for this is so, and the outcome equals someone
5:23
Speaker 1: else having a like an emotional reaction to that, you
5:27
Speaker 1: are intentionally keeping that person in your life. Now there
5:30
Speaker 1: are there is a time and place for the first
5:33
Speaker 1: trap and for the post. And I'm going to tell
5:36
Speaker 1: you when that is because that is part of the
5:37
Speaker 1: healing journey. And that's okay, But it's how long are
5:40
Speaker 1: you doing this for? Because there's people that carry on
5:43
Speaker 1: with this fucking bullshit for too long? Right, I'm all
5:47
Speaker 1: for all the spectrum of weird, toxic behaviors that we
5:50
Speaker 1: do when we try and get rid of someone in
5:52
Speaker 1: our lives, because they all play a role. Okay, I'm
5:55
Speaker 1: not saying, oh my god, you've got to like break
5:57
Speaker 1: up with this person and be the bigger person. Who's
6:00
Speaker 1: to be the bigger person when wearing pain? No one.
6:02
Speaker 1: So there's certain behaviors that whatever, it's not the end
6:05
Speaker 1: of the world if you do them. It's if I
6:08
Speaker 1: stay doing this thing and I'm stagnant and I'm not
6:11
Speaker 1: continuing out of that behavior into something healthier, that's when
6:14
Speaker 1: the problem is. That's when the problem arises. Okay, we
6:19
Speaker 1: do this, this keeping them in our lives because, whether
6:23
Speaker 1: you realize it or not, it is cathartic. Okay, you
6:28
Speaker 1: don't want to admit it. It's not pleasant, but part
6:31
Speaker 1: of that pain keeps us attached, It keeps us, it
6:35
Speaker 1: fuels us, and it's almost addictive, Okay, even though we
6:39
Speaker 1: don't acknowledge that it's addictive. It strengthens our concept of
6:44
Speaker 1: that person playing that particular role in our life. It's
6:48
Speaker 1: a huge part. It becomes like a huge part of
6:51
Speaker 1: our own identity as well. Okay. When you spend so
6:55
Speaker 1: much energy in making them a part of your life,
6:57
Speaker 1: keeping them there, not actively letting go, then it's kind
7:00
Speaker 1: of hard to be like, Wow, I need to now
7:02
Speaker 1: completely change part of this identity. They're completely gone. I'm
7:05
Speaker 1: going to stop gossiping about them. I'm going to stop
7:07
Speaker 1: bringing the drama to my friendship group, being like and
7:09
Speaker 1: now that's what happened. I've got to like choose something
7:12
Speaker 1: else to talk about, you know, Like it's sometimes it's
7:16
Speaker 1: kind of hard to let go of the drama because
7:18
Speaker 1: the drama provides a lot of like highs and lows
7:21
Speaker 1: and entertainment, and we feed of that energy whether we
7:25
Speaker 1: like it or not. So your question is is it
7:27
Speaker 1: surface level drama that it doesn't really negatively affect me?
7:31
Speaker 1: Then fine, be my guest, do gossip if you want
7:33
Speaker 1: to gossip, But if it's negatively affecting your life, and like,
7:36
Speaker 1: I actually need to move past this because it's not
7:38
Speaker 1: letting me enter into new romantic relationships, it's not letting
7:40
Speaker 1: me you know, have mental peace. It's like they're taking
7:43
Speaker 1: up too much of my thoughts. Then you need to
7:46
Speaker 1: be changing your behaviors. Okay, now how are we going
7:52
Speaker 1: to do it? So the first thing, there's a whole
7:55
Speaker 1: bunch of things that how are you going to start
7:56
Speaker 1: to move this person into the fucking past and leave
7:59
Speaker 1: them there. But the first thing Number one is of
8:00
Speaker 1: course time, but it's not just time specifically, and way
8:05
Speaker 1: more importantly, it's what is happening in that time. Okay,
8:10
Speaker 1: so if I just had a breakup, it's going to
8:13
Speaker 1: be difficult for me to put this person in the
8:15
Speaker 1: past and never think about them again the very next day.
8:18
Speaker 1: But a year later or six months later, it's a
8:21
Speaker 1: lot more feasible. However, if every day between the breakup
8:26
Speaker 1: and six months later, or the fight with my friend
8:29
Speaker 1: who we're never going to resurrect the friendship, and six
8:31
Speaker 1: months later, if every single day I'm like, they're gonna
8:34
Speaker 1: call me, They're gonna this, They've got to they owe
8:36
Speaker 1: me this, They're gonna come crawling back. I'm gonna put
8:37
Speaker 1: up a THIRSD stripe. I'm gonna put up this. I'm
8:39
Speaker 1: gonna put up that. I've got to get them. By
8:42
Speaker 1: the six month mark, that time has meant nothing because
8:44
Speaker 1: you've been working backwards against yourself, against your healing, against everything,
8:49
Speaker 1: with your fucking spiraling behaviors. The difference is if you think, okay,
8:56
Speaker 1: six months time plus healthy behaviors is going to equal
9:02
Speaker 1: you know, putting them in your past. So you've got
9:05
Speaker 1: to ask yourself what am I going to fill the
9:07
Speaker 1: gap with. There's always a void when someone lives your life.
9:10
Speaker 1: There's a void. So you've got to say, am I
9:13
Speaker 1: going to fill that void with spiraling thoughts and first traps?
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Speaker 1: Or am I going to fill that void with something
9:21
Speaker 1: that makes me feel really good? Maybe I'm going to
9:24
Speaker 1: start hanging out with this other group that I could
9:26
Speaker 1: be hanging out with a lot more, but I just
9:28
Speaker 1: never did because if I I was prioritizing this person
9:31
Speaker 1: or these people, maybe it's time that I can start
9:33
Speaker 1: doing this course or do whatever it is, whatever the
9:35
Speaker 1: fuck it is. But that void something needs to be
9:38
Speaker 1: done with it. If you don't fill that void with something,
9:41
Speaker 1: then your subconscious is going to do that job for you.
9:44
Speaker 1: And that's where the spiraling comes in. That's where the
9:46
Speaker 1: unhealthy behaviors come in. That's where the behavior is where
9:48
Speaker 1: we think we're doing something practical but it's not actually
9:52
Speaker 1: practical comes in all right, So this is really important.
9:57
Speaker 1: Think of someone right Okay. An example of this is
9:59
Speaker 1: think of someone right now that you used to date
10:03
Speaker 1: that when you broke up, or maybe a friend that
10:06
Speaker 1: when the friendship broke up, you were like, I will
10:08
Speaker 1: never get over this. I will never get over this. This
10:10
Speaker 1: is the biggest drama that's happened yet in my life.
10:11
Speaker 1: This is so extreme. But now you can look back
10:14
Speaker 1: and be like, oh, come on, like that was you know,
10:16
Speaker 1: that was you know, childhood love, or that was young
10:18
Speaker 1: adult love, or that was oh my god, you know,
10:20
Speaker 1: I'd never date that person now, And you've got to
10:23
Speaker 1: realize that time has helped heal that. But also you
10:26
Speaker 1: evolved as a person. Had you stayed the exact same person,
10:30
Speaker 1: you probably would still be experiencing a level of that pain.
10:32
Speaker 1: But because you grow and evolve and change, by the
10:35
Speaker 1: time you look back at that relationship from five years ago,
10:37
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, I'm a completely different person.
10:39
Speaker 1: I could never like that. That no, you know, And
10:42
Speaker 1: then you feel like even if they hurt you, you're like, yeah, whatever,
10:47
Speaker 1: Like you don't, it doesn't really affect you that much
10:49
Speaker 1: because of the growth that you've had and of filling
10:51
Speaker 1: that void with healthier and healthier and healthier things that
10:53
Speaker 1: make you feel good. Okay, since since the main take
11:05
Speaker 1: home from that first point is how are you feeling
11:08
Speaker 1: that void? Am I stalking am I baiting them? Or
11:13
Speaker 1: am I replacing? Am I replacing with healthier things? You know?
11:17
Speaker 1: The next thing is learn to move through anger effectively. Okay,
11:23
Speaker 1: So that way you are not in desperation. So anger
11:27
Speaker 1: it's a secondary emotion. And what I mean by a
11:29
Speaker 1: secondary emotion is that we feel anger in response to
11:32
Speaker 1: a primary emotion, whether it's I'm feeling attacked, I feel vulnerable,
11:37
Speaker 1: i feel unheard, I feel there's all these feelings, and
11:41
Speaker 1: then because I feel this, the way of expressing myself
11:43
Speaker 1: is through anger. Okay. However, anger is not completely pointless.
11:49
Speaker 1: Anger is can be a very helpful emotion, very useful
11:53
Speaker 1: if used properly. I don't think there's any emotion out
11:57
Speaker 1: there that is pointless because they all so as some
12:00
Speaker 1: sort of teacher or indicator. As long as we know
12:03
Speaker 1: what to do with that emotion, then you're good. So
12:06
Speaker 1: if you feel fearful and completely disempowered, that's important to
12:11
Speaker 1: know that that's an alarm bell and that's your body
12:14
Speaker 1: saying this is a very unhealthy position for me to
12:16
Speaker 1: be in. What can I do to change it? And
12:18
Speaker 1: then you've got to move into a more empowering emotion.
12:21
Speaker 1: It's all about taking the next empowering emotion to feel better,
12:25
Speaker 1: better and more and more in control of your life.
12:28
Speaker 1: When you are heartbroken from a friendship breakup, a family breakdown,
12:33
Speaker 1: a romantic breakup, a lot of the time you have
12:38
Speaker 1: a lack of control over the circumstances. You feel either
12:42
Speaker 1: really heartbroken, devastated, really sad, powerless, fearful, and that position
12:47
Speaker 1: that you feel like you hold no power. It's extremely frustrating,
12:51
Speaker 1: it's scary, it's sad. We all know how it feels. Okay,
12:55
Speaker 1: this is where anger comes in handy. Anger feels empowering.
13:01
Speaker 1: Anger feels a lot better than feeling completely disempowered and fearful.
13:06
Speaker 1: So sometimes you know, you're like, You're like, I don't
13:09
Speaker 1: want to get angry. I'm trying not to be angry.
13:11
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get angry because what angry makes you
13:14
Speaker 1: feel is it it lets you be pissed off with
13:16
Speaker 1: this person, Okay, instead of sitting in desperation, which is
13:21
Speaker 1: a really low vibe feeling, it's going to move you
13:24
Speaker 1: into you know what, fuck that can't, fuck that caun't
13:27
Speaker 1: and then you start thinking of the things that they did,
13:29
Speaker 1: and then it puts the fucking fire under your ass,
13:34
Speaker 1: It gets you to move, it gas, it wakes you up,
13:36
Speaker 1: and you think no, no, no, no, no, no, no no.
13:38
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, wait a fucking minute, do I actually
13:41
Speaker 1: need this person in my life? Remember the time they
13:43
Speaker 1: did this and then this, and the there and the
13:44
Speaker 1: height of them to say this thing? And can you
13:46
Speaker 1: fuck the belay? Just ge yourself up every once in
13:48
Speaker 1: a while to bring the power back. Once you feel empowered,
13:53
Speaker 1: being like, oh god, now I'm fucking white now I'm
13:57
Speaker 1: Then you think, okay, good, good, Now I feel a
14:00
Speaker 1: bit more empowered. Now I'm a bit more in control.
14:02
Speaker 1: Now I realize, wait a minute, this person's a fucking
14:05
Speaker 1: they've had their counting moments. I don't have to have
14:07
Speaker 1: them in my life. Okay, yes I miss them, but
14:10
Speaker 1: also fuck that, and my life doesn't have to revolve
14:12
Speaker 1: around this person. And let's let's get let's get get angry,
14:16
Speaker 1: get emotional, get empowered. But don't stay there because if
14:22
Speaker 1: anger then festers, then it's still all negative, negative, negative, negative,
14:26
Speaker 1: So you don't want to hover in anger. Anger is
14:28
Speaker 1: a beautiful kind of stepping stone into a more empowered feeling. Okay,
14:34
Speaker 1: so use it as a tool. Once you've used it.
14:38
Speaker 1: You can then be like, Okay, what can I do
14:41
Speaker 1: now with this? With this anger, I've now realized that
14:46
Speaker 1: we're more on an even playing field. I don't need
14:49
Speaker 1: them to survive. Now that I've expressed how I feel,
14:52
Speaker 1: I've gotten a bit of my power back. I've gotten
14:54
Speaker 1: a bit of my mojo back. I realize that there
14:57
Speaker 1: is still life breathing in me. And now with that anger,
15:02
Speaker 1: I'm going to move from anger into maybe, you know, curiosity.
15:07
Speaker 1: What can I do next? What can I now be
15:09
Speaker 1: doing with my time? I can move from anger into
15:12
Speaker 1: you know, maybe a feeling off. You know, you're not
15:19
Speaker 1: going to be necessarily happy, but maybe slightly optimistic. I'm
15:23
Speaker 1: now optimistic thinking that given that this person fucked me
15:28
Speaker 1: over and this and that whatever, I could probably also
15:32
Speaker 1: achieve this without this person in my life. Given that
15:34
Speaker 1: this person is no longer in my life and swept
15:36
Speaker 1: the rug out from underneath my feet, It's now given
15:38
Speaker 1: me the opportunity to do this other thing that I
15:40
Speaker 1: probably never would have done. So you don't have to
15:42
Speaker 1: be super excited and happy, but you start to get curious.
15:44
Speaker 1: You start to think, okay, okay, now I'm a bit
15:47
Speaker 1: more level headed. Now I've kind of even the playing
15:49
Speaker 1: field a little bit, I've got a bit more control
15:51
Speaker 1: over my life. What could this look like moving forward? Okay,
15:54
Speaker 1: just don't sit in anger. Anger is a tool, and
15:57
Speaker 1: especially when you've gone through abandonment pain, you can use
16:00
Speaker 1: that tool quite creatively, but you have to move through
16:03
Speaker 1: it because sitting in it will get you absolutely nowhere.
16:07
Speaker 1: And if you sit in anger for too long, it
16:09
Speaker 1: then makes you quite pessimistic, and then eventually it can
16:12
Speaker 1: make actually make you drop back down into feeling powerless
16:14
Speaker 1: because you realize these emotions got me nowhere, and now
16:17
Speaker 1: I feel even sadder and even more powerless. So be
16:19
Speaker 1: careful with how you use anger. But if you're in
16:22
Speaker 1: a position of like I've lost all control of my life,
16:25
Speaker 1: get angry and then get empowered, and then think, well,
16:28
Speaker 1: now that I'm angry, where do I actually have control
16:30
Speaker 1: in my life? Where do I hold the power? Okay?
16:34
Speaker 1: The next thing you want to do is focus on
16:38
Speaker 1: this evolution of you. Okay, looking back at other things
16:43
Speaker 1: that have happened in your life, not necessarily, not this
16:45
Speaker 1: particular thing of this person who's left your life. I
16:48
Speaker 1: want you to look back at other examples where things
16:51
Speaker 1: haven't gone well and think due to that, how did
16:55
Speaker 1: I evolve? There might be certain things you're like, oh,
16:57
Speaker 1: I wish I did differently, but there's gonna be a
16:59
Speaker 1: lot of things that you're like, had that thing not happened,
17:01
Speaker 1: I would have never done that thing, and I would
17:03
Speaker 1: have never done that thing, and it allowed this crazy
17:05
Speaker 1: evolution of myself that would have never happened or would
17:08
Speaker 1: have happened completely differently if it wasn't for the breakdown
17:11
Speaker 1: of that thing. Okay, So given that, how could I
17:16
Speaker 1: evolve now? And the reason I'm telling you to do
17:19
Speaker 1: this mental exercises, this hypothetical exercises, is because it takes you.
17:24
Speaker 1: When we keep someone in our life and fester and
17:26
Speaker 1: bait them and whatever you're living in the past. You
17:29
Speaker 1: are living in the past. You are saying to yourself,
17:31
Speaker 1: I'm going to cock block you from growth, thank you
17:33
Speaker 1: very much. You're not going fucking anywhere. Your ex friend, partner, whatever,
17:37
Speaker 1: is off growing living their best life. But I'm going
17:39
Speaker 1: to sit here and I'm going to fucking fester, and
17:42
Speaker 1: I'm going to do nothing with my fucking time other
17:44
Speaker 1: than be bitter. That's what you're telling yourself. So this example,
17:48
Speaker 1: this exercise is really good because you start to think,
17:51
Speaker 1: what could my next evolution be, Like, what could that
17:55
Speaker 1: look like? Looking back at the other times that I've
17:58
Speaker 1: had to evolve and what unfolded, what could be the
18:02
Speaker 1: next evolution for me? Okay, the next thing is trying
18:06
Speaker 1: to identify kind of a level of peace around what happened,
18:14
Speaker 1: even if you still think that they were wrong. So
18:17
Speaker 1: for me, one thing that's really valuable for me you
18:20
Speaker 1: can still acknowledge it someone's account that they are fucked
18:24
Speaker 1: in the head, that they're narcissistic, whatever, but not harbor
18:31
Speaker 1: so much hatred or anger towards that person. Because when
18:34
Speaker 1: we harbor that hatred or anger for a prolonged period
18:37
Speaker 1: of time, they ultimately still have control over you. So
18:41
Speaker 1: when it comes and if you don't like call it
18:43
Speaker 1: forgiveness or not, some people are like, no, I can
18:45
Speaker 1: never forgive this person. However you feel about forgiveness, that's
18:48
Speaker 1: a whole nother it's literally a whole episode. That's a
18:50
Speaker 1: whole other thing. But the point is, if I'm harboring
18:53
Speaker 1: these feelings, at the end of the day, they are
18:55
Speaker 1: controlling my day to day life. You know, they are
19:00
Speaker 1: controlling my emotions. Therefore, they are controlling me to an extent.
19:03
Speaker 1: Whether they're doing it intentionally or whether I'm doing it
19:05
Speaker 1: in my mind, the power is in their hands. Okay,
19:09
Speaker 1: So you start to think, okay, how can I develop
19:13
Speaker 1: peace around what's happened? And developing peace around what's happened
19:17
Speaker 1: does not mean saying that what they did was okay,
19:22
Speaker 1: that you accept completely what they did. Oh no, but
19:26
Speaker 1: it must have been for the Instead, it's saying everything
19:29
Speaker 1: that I feel could be true. They could be the
19:32
Speaker 1: biggest assholes, or they could have wronged me so much,
19:34
Speaker 1: or they could have technically owed me all this stuff. However,
19:38
Speaker 1: I can kind of look at it through a different lens.
19:40
Speaker 1: I can acknowledge that we both don't share the same morals,
19:45
Speaker 1: that we don't share the same values. I can acknowledge
19:48
Speaker 1: that as much as I wished we thought the same way,
19:50
Speaker 1: we actually didn't think the same way. So here I
19:53
Speaker 1: am getting hurt that they could hurt me the way
19:54
Speaker 1: they did. But what they value, as you know, how
19:58
Speaker 1: they treat people is difference to how I do. How
20:02
Speaker 1: they see how they treat people through a certain lens,
20:04
Speaker 1: and I see it through a different lens. Instead of
20:06
Speaker 1: me trying to wish that they saw it the way
20:08
Speaker 1: I saw it, I should just accept that I was
20:12
Speaker 1: dealing with a person who views life completely differently to
20:15
Speaker 1: how I do, and from my perspective, it's extremely unfair
20:19
Speaker 1: and cruel and mean and whatever. But at the end
20:21
Speaker 1: of the day, the truth is we just view life
20:24
Speaker 1: completely different to each other, and that gives me a
20:26
Speaker 1: level of peace around, like of allowing myself to accept
20:31
Speaker 1: I can accept that this person, as far as my
20:33
Speaker 1: caliber of people go, was not really a good person,
20:36
Speaker 1: and that's okay. I don't have to fix them. I
20:40
Speaker 1: don't have to get them to see things through my lens.
20:43
Speaker 1: I don't need an apology, because what's the point of
20:46
Speaker 1: getting an apology from someone who I know doesn't align
20:49
Speaker 1: with me in any way, shape or form as far
20:50
Speaker 1: as values and morals go. What's the point. We're just way, way,
20:55
Speaker 1: way more different than I ever gave it credit, ever
20:58
Speaker 1: gave this thing credit. You can be in a position
21:01
Speaker 1: where you still want nothing to do with that person
21:03
Speaker 1: because you're like, I don't like their character, but where
21:06
Speaker 1: it doesn't fuel you with all these crazy emotions, Like
21:09
Speaker 1: I can look at let's say my exes of the past.
21:13
Speaker 1: There's several exes that I could very easily have a
21:16
Speaker 1: very civil, lovely conversation with and it would be so
21:18
Speaker 1: fine and great and I would be really happy to
21:21
Speaker 1: see them do it. And then there's other exes that
21:23
Speaker 1: I'm like, they're just not a nice person, right, I
21:25
Speaker 1: don't harbor any hatred or whatever, you know, nothing like that.
21:29
Speaker 1: But because they're just not a nice person and I
21:31
Speaker 1: don't really like their character, I don't want to be
21:32
Speaker 1: around them. That doesn't mean that I'm harboring anything. So
21:35
Speaker 1: you can still have that feeling of like, I know
21:37
Speaker 1: where I draw the line, and I don't need to
21:39
Speaker 1: ever see this person again. But I could have that
21:41
Speaker 1: acknowledgment of like, no, just they're just not a nice person.
21:45
Speaker 1: But I'm also not angry anymore. I'm not because I
21:49
Speaker 1: acknowledge that they're so different to what I wanted them
21:53
Speaker 1: to be or to the romantic idea I had of
21:56
Speaker 1: them at one point. This could be with the friend
21:58
Speaker 1: as well, like eventually this friendship completely disintegrated and broke
22:03
Speaker 1: down because ultimately we did not see eye to eye,
22:05
Speaker 1: and that is okay. I can't control how other people behave,
22:11
Speaker 1: or act or see things. So therefore I have to accept. Okay.
22:16
Speaker 1: When you can't control something, you've got to learn to
22:20
Speaker 1: somehow accept it. You don't have to accept it in
22:24
Speaker 1: your life, but accept it as a reality. Okay. So
22:27
Speaker 1: that's what this is. When you start to develop peace
22:31
Speaker 1: around what happened, even if it was wrong, even if
22:33
Speaker 1: they were an asshole, you start to calm right down,
22:36
Speaker 1: and then you start to think, you know, it's not
22:38
Speaker 1: about having to everyone has to be friends, everyone has
22:40
Speaker 1: to be whatever. It's okay to have relationships that have
22:44
Speaker 1: a falling out and that you're not able to bring back.
22:47
Speaker 1: That is life that happens. But if I sit here
22:50
Speaker 1: and hold on to it and think, you know, like
22:53
Speaker 1: now I need to make them suffer, or now they
22:55
Speaker 1: need to apologize or now, then you yourself are going
22:58
Speaker 1: to suffer for a very long time, okay. And then,
23:01
Speaker 1: of course the last thing is indifference, which is the
23:05
Speaker 1: key to moving on. In difference is the key to
23:07
Speaker 1: moving on. It comes from knowing that there is space
23:12
Speaker 1: for every single person in this world to live a
23:15
Speaker 1: life that they deserve, Okay, And it's not up to
23:19
Speaker 1: me to decide what that person deserves. It's not up
23:21
Speaker 1: to me. Okay, it's up to me to decide who's
23:24
Speaker 1: in my life and who's out of my life. But
23:26
Speaker 1: if someone's walked out of my life and I'm keeping
23:28
Speaker 1: them in my life, in my head by being like,
23:30
Speaker 1: how can I beat them? How can I how can
23:32
Speaker 1: I they owe me this? I can't move on until this.
23:34
Speaker 1: Telling yourself, I can't move on until this person's done this,
23:38
Speaker 1: you are choosing to keep this person in your life.
23:41
Speaker 1: So in difference comes from you saying there is space
23:43
Speaker 1: for everyone to live the life that they deserve. Okay,
23:46
Speaker 1: it's not up to me. I'm not some greater being
23:50
Speaker 1: that can control what happens in their life, whether they
23:52
Speaker 1: deserve it or not. That's not my job. My job
23:55
Speaker 1: is to control what is in my control and to
23:58
Speaker 1: control my life. Okay, Because at the end of the day,
24:01
Speaker 1: you could be doing everything in your power to try
24:03
Speaker 1: and get this person to see something, or to apologize,
24:05
Speaker 1: or to get them back into your life, or to
24:07
Speaker 1: the you know, to try and forget that. But at
24:09
Speaker 1: the end of the day, the only thing you can
24:12
Speaker 1: control is you. You can control you, You control your thoughts,
24:15
Speaker 1: you can control your own actions, and that is also
24:18
Speaker 1: your emotions, what's going on within your head. Nothing else
24:22
Speaker 1: is within your control at best. You can influence someone
24:24
Speaker 1: else at best, but you're not going to influence someone
24:27
Speaker 1: who doesn't really like you much at all. Okay, So
24:31
Speaker 1: indifference is the key, good or bad? Not your problem,
24:34
Speaker 1: not my problem. If you know, if you've gone off
24:37
Speaker 1: and something good has happened to you, not my problem.
24:39
Speaker 1: If something bad has happened to you, I'm not going
24:41
Speaker 1: to relish in and ahahaha is bad. No, You're off
24:44
Speaker 1: living the life that you deserve. I'm off living the
24:46
Speaker 1: life that I deserve. If I found out that my
24:48
Speaker 1: narcissistic X something terrible happened to him or whatever, I'd
24:50
Speaker 1: be like, well, okay, whatever, right, Like I'm not there
24:54
Speaker 1: celebrating in it either. It's just like we're not in
24:57
Speaker 1: each other's lives and more, I'm completely indifferent to this person,
25:00
Speaker 1: you know. I mean not that I don't wish anyone dead, obviously,
25:02
Speaker 1: but it's like, I don't you know, don't I don't care,
25:06
Speaker 1: I don't want an update. I don't really know this
25:07
Speaker 1: person anymore. They're a stranger. When you get to a
25:10
Speaker 1: point where you can see someone as as close to
25:12
Speaker 1: a stranger as possible. Then that's when you've got the
25:14
Speaker 1: least emotions possible. Like, if there's a complete stranger, you're
25:18
Speaker 1: not going to be wondering about the ins and outs
25:19
Speaker 1: of their life. That's where you want to get this person.
25:21
Speaker 1: That is indifference. Okay. You're not angry, you're not loving,
25:26
Speaker 1: you're not nothing. Okay. So that comes from kind of
25:30
Speaker 1: also knowing that impermanence is unavoidable. You are able to
25:35
Speaker 1: move through stage in your life so much better because
25:38
Speaker 1: you're like, some things are not meant to be permanent.
25:40
Speaker 1: Some relationships are not meant to be permanent. If I
25:42
Speaker 1: behave like it has to be a permanent thing, then
25:45
Speaker 1: I'm going to suffer a lot in my life. Okay.
25:48
Speaker 1: It makes you more resilient, It makes you be able
25:51
Speaker 1: to move on from relationship breakdown so much faster, and
25:55
Speaker 1: it helps you mind your own business so much better.
25:58
Speaker 1: When you learn to mind your own business when it
26:02
Speaker 1: comes to putting someone in the past, you aren't able
26:05
Speaker 1: to leave them in the past so much faster. Ask
26:08
Speaker 1: yourself every time you begin to spial, say is this
26:10
Speaker 1: my business? And very often you're going to be like no,
26:14
Speaker 1: I don't need to know this information. I don't need
26:16
Speaker 1: to listen to this gossip. I don't need to. Like
26:18
Speaker 1: one thing that I did when I went through the
26:22
Speaker 1: two of my big breakups, I said to all my
26:25
Speaker 1: family and friends, well, this is after a bit of healing,
26:29
Speaker 1: I said, I don't care if you bump into this person.
26:32
Speaker 1: I don't care if you whatever. I don't want to know.
26:37
Speaker 1: That person is not in my life anymore. It is
26:39
Speaker 1: completely irrelevant. And while I'm trying to heal from this breakup,
26:42
Speaker 1: I don't need unnecessary, ridiculously unnecessary pieces of information about
26:48
Speaker 1: that individual coming into my life. I've blocked them on
26:50
Speaker 1: social media. I'm not interested. I'm trying to heal, trying
26:52
Speaker 1: to fill that void. If you see them, good on,
26:55
Speaker 1: you do not tell me. And I say that to
26:58
Speaker 1: my friends if they ever went through a breakup, I say,
27:00
Speaker 1: would you want me to tell you if I saw
27:03
Speaker 1: something or not? Because some people are the absolute opposite.
27:05
Speaker 1: Whether I think that's healthy or not, that's completely irrelevant.
27:08
Speaker 1: It's about the personal preference of my friend. But I've
27:11
Speaker 1: had friends say, oh my god, if you didn't tell
27:13
Speaker 1: me that you walk past them, I'd be so angry. Okay, cool,
27:16
Speaker 1: if you want, if you want to know, that's on you,
27:18
Speaker 1: and I will tell you whatever you want to know.
27:19
Speaker 1: But me personally, I was like, do not tell me.
27:23
Speaker 1: And that is what helps you build that kind of indifference,
27:27
Speaker 1: but also it helps you build that resilience of like,
27:30
Speaker 1: I'm now minding my own business. What doesn't matter if
27:33
Speaker 1: this person was walking down the street. Why am I
27:35
Speaker 1: trying to bring this information back into my life, back
27:37
Speaker 1: into my life, back into my mind. That's just stopping
27:39
Speaker 1: me from moving on and stopping me from healing. We
27:41
Speaker 1: are desperate for bits of evidence and information. We want
27:44
Speaker 1: to know absolutely everything. But the only reason you want
27:47
Speaker 1: to do that is because you're feeding that kind of
27:48
Speaker 1: pain body that connects you to the drama. Okay, So
27:52
Speaker 1: when you were able to be like, you know what,
27:53
Speaker 1: it's not my business. If they've chosen not to be
27:56
Speaker 1: in my life, I will welcome that wholeheartedly, and I
27:58
Speaker 1: will facilitate that. If you don't want to be in
28:01
Speaker 1: my life, I will facilitate that. Okay, I'm not going
28:04
Speaker 1: to do the opposite. Your fucking wish is my command.
28:08
Speaker 1: You're out, and that's that, okay, and vice versa as well, like,
28:13
Speaker 1: if you've gotten rid of someone in your life, then
28:16
Speaker 1: you can't keep prodding and prodding and prodding and trying
28:18
Speaker 1: to see where they're at and trying to see whatever.
28:19
Speaker 1: You've made the decision to get rid of them, So
28:21
Speaker 1: you need to stick to your guns. You need to
28:23
Speaker 1: stick to that decision. Okay, guys, that is all for
28:26
Speaker 1: today's episode. A little bit shorter than normal, but good times.
28:29
Speaker 1: It's short and sweet, and that is how we're going
28:31
Speaker 1: to put someone in the past and leave them there
28:33
Speaker 1: and move the fuck on. It's all about indifference. It's
28:35
Speaker 1: all about using anger as a tool and moving through
28:38
Speaker 1: that anger so you can become empowered again. And then
28:41
Speaker 1: it's about filling that void and focusing on how you're
28:44
Speaker 1: actually going to fill that void with replacement of healthy
28:46
Speaker 1: things for you instead of filling the void with spiraling
28:50
Speaker 1: and you know, bait to get them to contact you
28:52
Speaker 1: and ultimately leave them in control of your life instead
28:55
Speaker 1: of you being in control of your life. So that
28:58
Speaker 1: is the episode of today, guys. Thank you so much
29:00
Speaker 1: for tuning in, thank you for listening, and as always,
29:04
Speaker 1: remember becond to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't
29:06
Speaker 1: taket shit from anyone, and especially don't text shit from yourself.
29:10
Speaker 1: Dogger