Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 19. "What Can I Do To Help?" - The Question That Broke the Internet

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19. "What Can I Do To Help?" - The Question That Broke the Internet · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Hello friends, welcome back to another week.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us for yet another episode.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for the way that we continue to grow this community and just for each one of you that shows up week after week.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: And welcome to those of you that are just finding the podcast.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: We're so grateful to have you here as part of the community this week.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We're just going to have a little bit of fun.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: This is a topic that was scheduled to happen way later in the year.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I have a flowchart for the whole year and what topics we're going to do some different series, some themes, and this was one specifically that we were going to talk about later in the year.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Well, something happened the crazy World Wide Web and I used a little part of this well, not a little part, a big part of what this conversation is going to be about on a simple title of an Instagram Reel and some crazy stuff happened with that Reel and we're going to talk about that in a second.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: But I want to give you guys a little bit of a background, kind of, to why I think it's really a crazy story and then we'll dive in after we've talked about this concept at the end, about why I think it's triggered some emotion on the internet.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: So, first of all, a couple weeks ago I think we've talked here several times or if you follow me on any social media, you know that I am working through reading the book of Proverbs 12 times this year, reading one chapter a day every month for 12 months, which means, since there's 31 chapters in Proverbs, except for the months where there's less than 31 days I will read a Proverbs a day and finish that book every single month and then redo it again the next month.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: So we are just in May, now starting the fifth time through the book of Proverbs.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: It has been so great for me.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I am absolutely loving it.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Anytime that you read something, whether it be a book, the Bible, something that you're trying to memorize, there is something powerful about that repetition and just reading it over and over and over.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I think it happens with anything.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Whether we're watching something multiple times, you start to pick out and see things or maybe read something different, or it hits you different, or you tie something together that maybe is at a different part of the book or in the story or the movie, and so it has just been a really great practice for me and something that I am just really loving and will probably be something that flows into other years of just picking a book of the Bible and reading it over and over and over 12 times in a year to really let it sink in and take root and be able to apply to memory a lot of it, actually.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: So, anyhow, I've been reading through the Proverbs and there's a couple of verses in there that I pray over my life and over the things that I think God has me working in, like the podcast or the business that I am involved in and that I work every day in with a lot of different individuals and my impact there things I pray over my family, over my parenting, over my marriage, just in all the different realms within my life and Proverbs is just stock full of wisdom and the overwhelming theme that I get every time I close the book at the end of the night is just the contrast of the fool and the wise person.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: But specifically in working with the podcast and being involved in social media, it is a wild world.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: The Internet is a crazy place and if you are somebody that's in that world of Internet, I think there's a lot of people on a lot of different spectrums when it comes to things like Instagram and Facebook.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: There's those that are just consumers.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: They just go there, they consume.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: There's those that go only to contribute and to put content out and don't really engage.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: They feel like their role there is just to put it in.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: And then there's those of us that are maybe trying to balance how do I contribute but also not become obsessed with consuming or become so laser beam focused with creating content that it kind of overtakes my world and we are in this interesting point of social media where there's a lot of video and a lot of real and it can feel like man, I just feel like I'm always feeling like I got to catch that video or I got to do that thing or I've got to add that value, and it's an interesting place to find yourself in.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I think that there's a lot of beautiful things that can come from the internet and from building community and just the ability to have reach with people.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: I would consider dear friends that I have never met in person and sometimes, as I'm having conversations and I realize, oh my gosh, I've never even met this woman that you know, we started talking about this one random thing on a post or she, you know, tagged me in something through a friend or I saw her, and then you build these relationships.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: There are some really cool things that can come from the internet.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: There is also a lot of really bad.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: So what I have been trying to wrestle with in my own life is am I supposed to be building the podcast, my personal business, all of the different things that I'm involved in?
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Am I supposed to be using social media as an avenue to build these things that God has placed on my heart?
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: Or am I supposed to just become still when it comes to that piece of life that can suck us in and just head down, keep moving, get off social and just trust God to bring the people to me without having to go out there and find them?
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Regardless of which way I go, I have to be trusting God that he's going to.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: My prayer has been since the very, very beginning of this podcast was three requests of the Lord either bless it, multiply it or burn it.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Whichever one it is that you want to do bless it, multiply it or burn it I will submit to that and I will trust that your ways are greater than mine and that if it's to burn it, you're protecting me.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: If it's to bless it, you're going to carry me.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: If it's to multiply it, you're going to sustain me and give the content and bring the guests and all of the assets and the tools that I need to be able to do this well.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: And so just this constant prayer of burn it, bless it, multiply it, and also having in place a council of advisors.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: There has been a handful of women in my life and then, obviously, my husband, who I have specifically asked to hold me accountable, who I've specifically asked hey, as you're listening to the podcast.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: If there's something that doesn't sit well with you, if there's something where you think I misrepresented something or I spoke in a way that maybe would be hurtful or harmful to somebody that I really care about, that I never would have intended to come across that way, I am giving you permission to speak that into me, to be able to hold me accountable, to call me and say, hey, I listened to the podcast and I heard this.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: It didn't really sit well.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: There's people in my life that I've given that permission because what I have learned over time is that there are two groups of people.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: There are people that you can allow to speak into you because you trust them, you believe that they're walking in a way that's worthy of having that voice over you, and then the world is full of people who will speak at you and very often we become so sidetracked by all the voices that are speaking at us that we haven't given permission to.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: The voices are gonna come all day long and we choose through the comments on the internet, through the things that people say in public or the opinions of the masses, we get to decide which of those voices get to go inside and speak into us, not just at us.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: And so in reading through Proverbs, there's a couple of verses that I have just really prayed over and over specifically about the podcast.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: And the first one is from Proverbs 11, 14, and it says where there is no guidance, a people fails, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: And then in Proverbs 15, 22, it says without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: And those are just two verses that I just speak over myself all the time asking Lord, give me wise counselors.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: A woman that I really admire came up to me this last weekend and just was very kind, saying that she's really enjoying the podcast.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: It's always very humbling when there's people who you consider ones that you would want to emulate and who you have seen do life really well, speak just life into what you're doing.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: And I just said to her I said, hey, I just want to let you know that you are a voice that I really trust, and so I gave her that same permission to speak into me, to be part of that group of counselors that's going to hold me accountable.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: That's going to call me out and it's just such an honor to have that.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Then the other one is Proverbs 16, and it says the heart of the man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his path.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: And just again it goes right along with that prayer of bless it, multiply it or burn it.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Because I can have all the plans in the world, I can have the two three-year long goals, I can have all of the guests, I can have all of the concepts and the things we want to talk about, and that can be the heart of me, the heart of man creating those ways.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: But I need to be looking for the Lord to establish my path, and so I tell you all of that to set up that, probably two weeks ago, in doing my Bible study and just sitting, my husband was traveling for work, so I had found myself at night just with a whole bunch of books and notebooks reading on my bed late at night and there was just this part of me that was really wrestling with.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to keep showing up on social media.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I don't know if it's the right place for me.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: It's taking a lot of time and a lot of effort and honestly, in full transparency, I struggle with it because I feel like, in trying to be very specific in the value that I'm adding on parenting, on marriage, on cultivating strong families, on faith the things that are at the core heart of my values.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: And so the issue with talking about those passions is, when you're being real and transparent and you're talking about the hard I wrestle with man, I don't want this to feel sad or depressing or like woe is me, because that's not my heart at all.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: And then when you're talking about the things that are going well and the things that you're learning and that you have learned from decades of practice in parenting and marriage, it feels like it can be boastful.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: And I certainly don't want people to think that I'm coming here like I have it all together because every single day I fall so short.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: And so it's this wrestling between, like man, I just I don't like sharing the negative because it feels yucky, and I don't like the positive because it feels boastful and so kind of, in this moment, on my bed out loud and through journaling, wrestling with am I supposed to continue to show up on social media?
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: In the past, typically I'll get anywhere from 1,000 to 5,000 views on a reel on Instagram.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: And that has been that way for a year, in working diligently, trying to create good content not totally 100% being honed in.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: And it was a couple of weeks ago where I felt like I was kind of getting in a groove of what I wanted to talk about, how I wanted to present myself.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Where I felt like I was kind of getting in a groove of what I wanted to talk about, how I wanted to present myself, and just kind of in that moment of prayer and journaling, knowing that 5,000 was the most that I'd ever had, I kind of threw out a prayer to God like, just make it clear to me, make it really clear to me, if I'm supposed to stay and show up on the Internet, then just like, have one reel, get 10,000 views, just show me that you can multiply it and bless it.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: And if not, fine If it goes all the way down.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: If the views go all the way down to nobody's seeing them and the algorithm hates us and nobody sees it and it's down to zero, then burn it and I'll trust that you're burning it.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Otherwise, if I see a reel when I continue to do exactly what I'm doing and be consistent in how I'm showing up.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: For the next couple of weeks, if a single reel gets 10,000 views, then I'm going to take that as you, blessing it and multiplying it and encouraging me to continue to use my voice in a positive way, regardless of my own insecurities, whether that be it makes me look boastful or it makes me feel vulnerable.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Either one of those work with those in my heart and I'll just keep showing up if I see that number.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Some might think that it's crazy to throw down an ultimatum like that, but what I can tell you is that in that moment I had spent zero thought before that thinking about I need to have a reel that has 10,000 views.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: I'm just constantly looking for growth and traction, but that night, in that moment, it just like it came to me 10,000 views.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: So I prayed that I continued to do what I was doing and probably five days later, I put up a reel and it was something that was from notes of the podcast that we're going to talk about later this year, just a concept of what can I do to help and it got great traction.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: That day.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: It was like five or 6,000 views and I thought, wow, that's awesome, that's growth and I honestly can't even remember how it happened, the numbers, the multiplying.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: But we're now 10 days past that, when I'm recording and in the last 10 days, since me and the Lord wrestling through some of those insecurities and committing the podcast and my steps to him and talking to my advisors or counselors about just where my heart is, that specific reel is currently at 1.6 million views.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: There's another reel that's at 220,000 views, there's another reel that's at 160,000 views and another reel that's at 70,000 views.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: You guys, it does not make sense.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Humanly.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: It does not make sense and I, honestly, I could care less.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Is it fun?
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: Is it crazy?
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: Has it made me more impressed with myself?
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Nope, actually, it makes me scratch my head and go.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: I did nothing different.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: People are like what song did you use?
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Did you do this, did you do that?
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: And I'm not doing anything different that I wasn't already doing.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Right, the things that we see?
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: Use the hook, use the trending audio, make it engaging.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: Do you know?
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: Be real footage, not super planned out?
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: Literally, I just was doing what I always do and God took I believe God took those reels and exploded them, not only just to say you're supposed to keep showing up.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: You're supposed to be bold.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I need you talking about family, I need you talking about marriage, I need you talking about parenting and faith, and I'm going to really show you.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: That's the only explanation to what has happened, and so clearly I think a lot of it too is the content of the topic that was in those, which is what we're going to dive into today, but also he has used that in another way, which we'll talk about more towards the end, in really allowing me to put into practice what I have been learning in Proverbs about the difference between a wise man and a fool and how he uses his words and his tongue.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Because, like I have said three or four times, the internet is full of crazy people and I don't want to get into it right now because I don't want to make this too long, but we'll talk about some of the crazy at the end and how I think it directly is tied into this point of what can I do to help and how it triggers for people different feelings and also just insecurities that come up when we put stuff out on the internet.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: So that's the backstory to why we're talking about the what can I do to help question.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: That was the topic of that reel that has gone viral.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: So this comes from a series that I listen to probably once a year.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: It's a series called Future Family by Andy Stanley.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: It's a series that he did man, I bet it was 10 years ago, because I have listened to this probably at least 10 times over.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: It's one that I keep saved.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: I will absolutely put all the links in the show notes.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: It's a five-part series on family and one session in particular it's the second session is talking about this concept of what can I do to help, and his whole premise is that if every single person in the home asked every other person in the home what can I do to help one time a day, how the entire dynamics of that home would change and what it is.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: It's about this mutual submission in family that I'm willing to leverage me for us.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: I'm willing to put all of me on the line for all of us, and it's this kind of dying to self and also saying I am aware that you carry a burden or a responsibility and I want to lean in.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: I want to be a member of the family that leverages my ability, my resources, my connections, my energy to help you, because when we help each other, we can go further faster, instead of what tends to be the average mindset in family so often is I'm first, I'm most important, you need to serve me, I get the biggest piece.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I get to sit in the front seat, I get to choose this, I get to choose that.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: You chose last, it's your turn.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: It's not my fault, it's not my responsibility.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: And when we change that dynamic to how can I leverage myself to help you?
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: It switches the dynamics of how we see each other and it's totally based on that verse of Philippians 2, 4, not looking at our own interests, but each of us taking interest in others and being ones of service mindset.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: And something that he talks quite a bit in this series about is the conflict between real and ideal, and we can get specifically in family and in relationships, this tension between what is real life and what I see as ideal and any of us, when we talk about what is the ideal family that maybe I had in my head when I was a young girl and I was thinking about what my family was gonna look like and my marriage and it was gonna be just totally set apart and respectful and just, family-centered and faith-focused, and everybody was gonna get along and we were gonna laugh all the time and the house was always gonna be clean and there wasn't going to be any conflict between me and my spouse and my kids were always going to, you know, lock arms and skip through the house, singing and smiling.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: And then there's that tension of reality, of overwhelm and conflict and selfishness and all of these things that we can almost become paralyzed and ideal just starts to be like that's not even worth going for, because the tension of the world, the real parts of our life feel so far away from that ideal version that I have or I want and this concept of mutual submission in our family.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: This isn't about anything other than recognizing that every single person in your family is carrying a weight and carrying a burden, and it doesn't matter if this is a small person that's learning how to put their toys away all the way up to the high schooler that's trying to navigate life, or the college student that's in the middle of just all kinds of new things, or the 40-year-old man who's in the job force, or the 30-year-old woman who's trying to figure out parenting and working and managing a home, no matter what stage we're in, we're all carrying a burden.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: And this concept of if I was able to humble myself enough and if every single member in my family was able to humble themselves enough each day to say to every other member of the family, hey, is there anything I can do to help what I have noticed.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: We've been practicing this for again.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: It's probably been 10 years ago that I first heard this concept and brought it to my family and said this is something I feel like we really need to implement.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: I think there's a lot of power and wisdom behind it.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: I think it could change some of the dynamics of how we do things and how we see each other, and it allows us to get outside of ourselves and not be so self-focused and really start to understand how we can support one another.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: And so we've been doing this.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: And because this is what I put on the reel, this was the concept and a lot of people have said in the comments like how did you implement it?
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: What did you do?
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: Is it too late?
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: And I will tell you that, of everybody in our family, I'm going to brag on him.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: My 14-year-old son for sure, does this the best for sure, without fail.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: He is very tender to almost every single day at some point, come up to me if I'm working on something, if I'm at my desk, if I'm cleaning the kitchen, and say to me hey, mom, is there anything I can do to help?
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: A lot of times it's before he's going to go sit down or relax or go outside and swing the golf club and he has just become in tune.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: He honestly does better than I even do at asking people is what can I do to help?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: And it's daily and it's precious and it is probably the thing that just makes my heart swell every single time he asked, no matter how many times he's asked it, but it is something that we've really tried to cultivate as the normal in our home.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: When I start to see that somebody is overwhelmed or is getting stressed or is starting to huff and puff, I have recognized that most often overwhelm and frustration is directly correlated to my.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: Burdens are heavy and I'm not even sure how to get it all done and when you can lean into that situation, because most often when you have somebody who's starting to get ramped up or is upset and not at all that, this is when you come in every time and ask that question.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: This should be just part of your day, but in the times where people are starting to lose their cool or reacting because of the burdens they're carrying, most often that's when you least want to ask it, but it's actually the point that you most need to ask it.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: So when a child is coming unglued or when a spouse starts to get short and you're like, clearly they're frustrated or they're overwhelmed with something, to lean in to that human, instead of pulling back and saying what can I do to leverage my resources, it's not saying that I don't have my own list.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: I've got a huge laundry list.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: Nobody's asked me yet today what they can do to help, but it's being second, being okay with being second, and leaning in and saying, hey, is there anything that I could do to help?
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: Is there anything that I could do to leverage my time and my abilities right now to help you with your overwhelm?
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: And then see what they say.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: Most often, in a situation like that, there is something, there's something very easy that comes out where a kid says I've got all these tests and I'm so overwhelmed and my room is a mess and I have to do laundry for that thing for tomorrow.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: And my Jersey is, you know, still in the car and it's saying okay, what can I do to help?
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Would it?
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Would it help you if I went in and found your dirty laundry and got your wash going?
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Is that my job?
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: No, it's not.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: Do I have to offer to do that?
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: No, am I coddling them by asking to do it?
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I don't believe I am.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: Could they have planned better?
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, but in my life, all the time I find myself in situations where I have a ton coming at me and I could have planned better and I could have been more prepared, I could have delegated.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: But just having somebody say what can I do to help and to be able to give them something tangible to help me in that moment automatically shifts the dynamics of the whole situation.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: And when every family member starts to do this, it radically changes how we see each other.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: A lot of times, when I'm asked this question or when I ask somebody else this question, there are a ton of times where somebody says, no, I'm good, thanks so much for asking and it's done.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: There are other times when somebody asks me and I'll say you know what, bud, actually, if you would be willing to?
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: It would be amazing.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be doing meal prep this afternoon and I need to cut up a couple onions and those peppers and whatever it is.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Would you be willing just to chop that all up and throw it in a Ziploc baggie for me?
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: That would really help me.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: Simple, right?
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: Or maybe it's asking an older sibling who's home to go help their brother with the homework or the math and just saying, hey, you know what?
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that would be amazing.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: Would you be willing to help your brother work on his algebra?
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Because, number one, I don't understand it and number two, my brain is just all over the place.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: That would be such a huge help If you could just sit for 15 minutes with your brother and do that.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: For those of you with younger kids, it might be having an older kid read with the younger kid, or go sit and do Legos with that kid.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: Or, hey, could you take the dog out and throw the ball, because the dog's kind of hyper and it's stressing me out.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: If you could go throw the ball with the dog.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Or I've got stuff by the back door that needs to go to the car for the bake sale tomorrow.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: Would you be willing to take all that out, and there's so many ways that you can build into the people that are asking as well.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: When I ask my son, or when I give my son a job after he's asked me that, and I say, hey, you know what, bud, I put a couple of boxes at the top of the stairs that are pretty heavy, that need to go to the basement.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: You are so much stronger than I am.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: Would you be willing to take those down?
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: That would help me so much.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: It might be a one minute job and it is the nicest thing to be asked ever.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: It makes you realize that people are seeing you and it allows you to appreciate people for being selfless and for leaning into relationship with you.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: And so oftentimes people are afraid to ask this because they're afraid like I just want to sit down.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: I have my own list.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: I've got all these things going on.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: And if I ask that, what if they give me like a huge laundry list?
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: Yesterday, when my son asked me this question and we've been laughing about it now that this reel has gone viral and it's hilarious how my kids will be like well, you better put another one up of me, because now I need to beat those numbers.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: It's really funny.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: It's become a big joke around here but I continue to ask this question after the reel went viral.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: He continues to ask me.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: It's just a funny thing.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: But yesterday he came up to me and kind of with a chuckle he was like is there anything I can do to help?
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: And I was like you know what?
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: I'm in a good spot, but I know, when your dad comes home from his work trip, the amount of dandelions that are in the front yard right now because of not having fertilizer out yet and all the things are like he's going to pull in the driveway, he's going to see the dandelions and he's going to be so stressed out.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: I was like, do you mind just taking like 10 minutes and just doing the dandelions with that special tool thing just in the front yard?
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: I'm like I'm not worried about the side of the house, the back of the house, but I know that if dad came home and the dandelions were gone, that would be a big deal.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: And he's like, no, absolutely.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: So I was able to leverage him asking me that question to bless his dad, who's not even here, and it just is a way for us to start to see the things that we can do to help each other.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: And it's very important that when we do this, if our kids ask us, we don't say, yeah, actually, if you could go clean all three bathrooms, that would be awesome.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: This is not like how can I get them to do all of the chores.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to have them do a small task, a five to 10 minute task or a favor that is going to actually help you, but it's not going to make them afraid to ask the question.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: And then, as you continue to do this and you continue to ask them, because it's as important for us as parents to say to you what can I do to help?
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: And it's something that I need to get better on, because I think, especially as moms, we all day work to support our family.
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: We do the dishes and the laundry and the cooking and the driving and the carpooling, and so we think, why would I have to ask that question?
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: Why would I have to do anything beyond this?
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: But so often when we stop and we ask that question, it tunes us in to the heart and the needs of our kids, far outside of just the tangible things that we do for them.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: It might be hey, will you help me talk through this situation with my friend that I had at school?
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: I'm overwhelmed by it or I'm just feeling sad.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: Would you go on a walk with me, because I really feel like I need to get away from my screen and just get fresh air.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: It could be something like can you help me put my license plate on?
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to do that and I got a new license plate and I need help doing that.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: It's not typically the things like can you fold my laundry?
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: It allows us to see where things are heavy in the lives of our children.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: And same thing for dads, who might think I work all day, every day, to provide for this family and I just I want to come home and I want to just be able to chill.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: I am telling you, men, if you, on the way home from work, called your wife and said hey, babe, I'm on my way home, is there anything I can do to help?
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: Do you need me to stop and pick anything up?
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Is dinner good?
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: Do you need me to run into the grocery store?
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Or when you walk in the door, as much as you want to just totally zone out and turn on the TV, to just walk up to your wife and say, hey, babe, is there anything I could do to help you out?
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: Is there anything I can jump in?
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Or to go to your kid who's at the table doing homework, that maybe is frustrated and crying, and say, hey, bud, is there anything I could do to help?
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: And when we start to have that demeanor, it just becomes such a beautiful, peaceful, other focused environment.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: And I'll tell you what else it does.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: It teaches our kids to look for ways to help outside of our home.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: The other night we were at an event and my son again, who is the star student in this specific thing, I saw him like just insistent with a woman or bring a chair to somebody that's standing.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of it is just his personality and the way God has wired him, but I 100% believe that for 10 years of him watching and doing this what can I do to help mentality it has given him eyes to see the needs of others or to ask if they need help.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: And it has also given him a servant's heart to be willing to say, absolutely, I'll go help you with that.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Or hey guys, I'll be back.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: I need to walk away from the basketball game because I see that woman over there.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: I see that little kid that looks like he's alone.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: It has just prompted up in him such a tender spirit to look for ways to help, and so I believe that this absolutely will carry outside of your home, into their teachers, into the church leaders, into the friend's mom where they're spending the night.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: And the friend's mom is in the kitchen.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: And one of the ladies on the Instagram post commented that she had just gotten a call from a mom where her son had a sleepover and she was like never in my years of parenting have I had a middle school child come in and ask me in the kitchen, what can I do to help you guys?
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: It trains up these little people who turn into others' focus.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: This will carry them into their jobs Again.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: There is nothing more attractive and enduring than a boss who has high position that will look at his employees and say what can I do to help?
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: Or look at her employees and say what can I do to help, how can I get involved, how can I leverage who I am, what I have, the resources I have to benefit you, what can I do to help, and so this is just something that I think is so amazing that we can implement into our families.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: What does it look like to get started if your kids are older?
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: So when we started this 10 years ago, we probably had a 12-year-old and a 9-year-old and Landon would have been four.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: So he has just it's been around since he was little, which is probably why it's more of a natural habit for him.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: But with our girls, with everybody, it just looked like number one, me having to get good at asking it what can I do to help?
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: I can sense that you're overwhelmed.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: Is there anything I can do to help?
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: Hey, I saw your schedule and I know you've got to go right from this practice to that thing.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Is there anything I could do to help, Just being in tune with what our children and our spouse needs?
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: But then also a way that was really easy for me to start to implement.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: It was when kids would come to me to say, hey, can I have the password for the computer?
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: Hey, would you log me into the TV, because most of that stuff we have locked up and they have to get permission to get on it.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: I would just say before I did that when their tasks were done.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: I would just say, hey, have you asked anybody else in the family what you can do to help?
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: Have you checked in with your sister?
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: Have you checked in with your brother?
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: Have you checked in with your dad?
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: And it's just a good way to kind of start it until in the beginning, before somebody sits down after their responsibilities are done, it's just a good time to be like sure, I'm happy to log you in for that, but have you asked anybody in the family if there's anything you could do to help?
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: And then it just prompts them to go ask one or two people.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: 10 minutes later they're back, sometimes 30 seconds.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: They're back because everybody's good and doesn't need help.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: Then I go ahead and say great, thank you for asking.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: And so sometimes it's actually just prompting them to think about it, to make it that response and this clearly I need people to know this is not them not having natural responsibilities.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: So this you know all of the stuff that blew up on the Internet, and I shouldn't even say negative.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: So if I guess I need to put it in perspective, if one point, six million people have seen it and twenty five have been somewhat nasty.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: That's probably really great odds.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: Actually, the majority of the over pouring of comments was this is amazing.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: I love this.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to implement or we do this in our home and it's amazing.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: But every single comment I think 100 percent the comments that were negative were.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: Are you kidding me?
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: They should just know.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: Comments that were negative were.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: Are you kidding me?
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: They should just know.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: And it was all of this conversation back to why has it got to be the mom's responsibility to tell people what needs to be done?
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: Why can't people just look around and see You're training up kids who just can't recognize what needs to be done?
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: And this is where, thank God, I'm reading Proverbs and I am trying so hard to act wise, not act a fool in controlling my mouth, and have just not been engaging with the negative.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: But the reality is that I disagree completely.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: I disagree that kids or spouses are just going to know what I need, what their siblings need, what their dad needs.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: To me, that is complete ignorance and I think a lot of the times we run into tension in our home is because we assume that everybody should know what I need, but I, a lot of times don't know what I need.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: I, a lot of times, I'm trying to balance.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: I don't know why I'm overwhelmed.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: I don't know why I feel frustrated, I just feel overwhelmed.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: And so for us to be naive enough to think that one day we pop out kids and they just figure out to just do all the things, that if the dishes are dirty they do them.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: If there's stuff on the floor, they pick it up.
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: If there's meal prep to be done, they just somehow know to go in the fridge and take out the peppers and onions and chop them up and say mom, I knew that you needed that done and so I just took care of it.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: Do they know that things need to be carried certain places?
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: And this is not talking about like we're a family and we all help do dishes and we all take care of our own bathrooms and we empty garbages and my son takes out the trash every Tuesday.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: Like we all have jobs.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: This is about seeing people beyond a to-do list.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: It's not about me making my kids do chores so that I can sit around and read a book and drink a cocktail.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: That is not what this is about.
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: This is about slowing down enough to lean in outside of the chores and really ask how can I assist you, how can I partner with you, how can I lean into this relationship and let you know that I'm willing to give up part of me for the benefit of us as a family?
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: And so, as much as I want to engage, maybe all those naysayers on the internet will somehow randomly come to this podcast so that they can really hear the heart behind this.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: But that's not the problem.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: God clearly wanted that message for the ones that it's going to bless.
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: But that's not the problem.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: God clearly wanted that message for the ones that it's going to bless and for those that don't.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: I think it also speaks into the fact that we're all longing for people to see us, and so the comments that are these mad women about?
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: It is not my responsibility to have to tell everybody what I need.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: They should be able to see it.
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: I think it's a pure point to the fact that we are all running single, focused on a to-do list, and we're not in community saying this is how you can support me and this is how this feels heavy to me, or even talking through the housework Like, hey, would you mind taking this or would you mind taking that.
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: It's teaching people to look to the hearts of others and to have that community spirit of we are in this together.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: So it has been a wild ride.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: It has been something crazy.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: Now I'm kind of like, okay, god, I get the point.
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: Now we can just kind of slow down.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: I don't need all the comments, I don't need all the stuff that's coming from it, but it has been just.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: It has been a wild ride and I do believe that that was a direct sign from God.
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: You guys might think it's total coincidence, which is absolutely fine.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: I'm going to take it as the sign to stay plowing forward and to talk as much and as boldly as I can about faith and family and marriage and parenting and just cultivating strong families.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: I think the world is desperate for it and I am just so excited to have you guys here on this ride with us this week.
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: I want to challenge you to really ask your family, each person, each member what can I do to help, to come alongside you, to ease your burdens and to leverage what I have to benefit you so that we can go farther faster.
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: One way that you can help me is if you are willing to share this episode with a friend, whether you text it to them or you share it on your social platform.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: I have been blessed by those of you that are sharing this and getting it out to others, as we are watching this community grow, so if you are willing to do that to help me, it would be so appreciated.
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: So until next week, friends, take care.