Latest / The Catholic Couple / What a 13-Year-Old Wishes Adults Understood | Parenting, Phones, Stress & Faith

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What a 13-Year-Old Wishes Adults Understood | Parenting, Phones, Stress & Faith · The Catholic Couple

• 0:00
  I think every generation believes they had it harder than the next generation.
• 0:03
  Adults look at kids today and say, man, they have it so easy.
• 0:07
  They have phones, they have technology, they basically have everything at their fingertips.
• 0:12
  But what if that's not true?
• 0:14
  What if being 13 today is actually harder in ways where most adults don't even think about and they just really don't understand?
• 0:22
  Well, today I'm going to be joined by my own daughter, Avery, who just turned 13 years old, just finished seventh grade, and she is going to talk about what it's actually like being a teenager today, the pressures, school, handling friendships, phones, and social media, how to talk about faith, how to deal with complexities in family, and maybe to help parents understand maybe just a little bit where their kids are coming from to better understand them.
• 0:48
  But before we jump in, I just want to thank our friends over at Saintly Society for sponsoring today's episode.
• 0:54
  One of the things we talk about all the time here is normalizing Catholicism, not hiding our faith, not being weird about it either, just living it openly.
• 1:04
  That's one of the reasons why I wear Saintly Society gear so often.
• 1:08
  Not because I think hat is going to convert somebody, but because it can start a conversation.
• 1:15
  And sometimes conversations really do change lives.
• 1:19
  The reality is most of us aren't called to be influencers or public speakers.
• 1:23
  We're called to be faithful disciples where God has placed us.
• 1:27
  That could be at work, at the gym, at the grocery store, or at our kids' games.
• 1:33
  Saintly Society is helping Catholics bring their faith into those everyday spaces through beautiful, well-made apparel rooted in the gospel and the richness of the Catholic tradition.
• 1:43
  If you're looking for a simple way to wear your faith and maybe start a few of those conversations along the way, then go check them out at saintlysociety.com.
• 1:51
  Now, let's get into today's episode.
• 2:02
  All right, welcome to another episode of the Catholic Couple.
• 2:05
  Katie is still in school, but I am blessed to have our daughter Avery Marie with us.
• 2:10
  She's going to join the podcast to talk about what it's like being a teenager.
• 2:15
  Avery just turned 13, a little less than a month ago, but she's going to share some insights, what it's like being a kid to help parents get a better understanding and for us maybe to step into the shoes of our kids to get a better understanding to what they're going through, uh, how they struggle and things that are great, what we could do better as parents.
• 2:34
  So, first and foremost, thanks, Avery, for being here.
• 2:37
  You're welcome.
• 2:38
  This is actually your second podcast, right?
• 2:41
  Your first one was on angels.
• 2:43
  So it's been a while.
• 2:44
  So we just turned 13.
• 2:46
  Seventh grade is finished.
• 2:48
  What's the best thing about being a 13-year-old?
• 2:52
  Probably the best thing about being a 13-year-old is that I have more freedom and and like I'm able to do like a lot of stuff now.
• 3:04
  Like a lot of a lot more stuff than you used to be able to do.
• 3:06
  Yeah, like I ride my bike to the park or like with my friends or in the neighborhood in the neighborhood.
• 3:13
  You get more freedom.
• 3:14
  We've we've let you have more freedom because you've earned it.
• 3:16
  Yeah.
• 3:17
  Not just because you're a year older.
• 3:18
  Yeah.
• 3:19
  But you showed us how it how you are responsible with being able to to trust you to go farther and to things like that.
• 3:26
  Yeah.
• 3:26
  So so what is the best thing about being what are some of your favorite things that you do as a third-year-old?
• 3:31
  What do you really like to do?
• 3:33
  Um, I like to call my friends.
• 3:36
  Like to call your friends.
• 3:37
  And I I do like to like ride my bike around the neighborhood and like just be outside and not like all on like my screen.
• 3:48
  So now let's talk about the flip side.
• 3:50
  So those are some of the good things about being a 13-year-old.
• 3:53
  You're starting to get more responsibility, you're getting more freedom.
• 3:56
  What's the hardest part about being a 13-year-old in today's world?
• 4:00
  I feel like the hardest part is like school, sports, and like friendships.
• 4:05
  School gets like pretty hard and like sports is harder to compete when you're older.
• 4:14
  And I feel like friendships are harder to navigate when you're older.
• 4:19
  So what what is it about school that's harder?
• 4:22
  And like what I know you've talked about it before, about like you feel stress about it.
• 4:28
  Explain what that means for uh the perspective from a 13-year-old.
• 4:32
  Why, why is school stressful?
• 4:34
  I feel like you always want to get good grades.
• 4:37
  So if you do bad or poorly on a test or a quiz or anything that tanks your grade, you get stress over, oh no, I'm just gonna be ending up my final grade, or just like stress of how much work you get.
• 4:53
  And it doesn't really matter about like what grades you get, it's just like how much work gets piled on.
• 4:59
  So, as a parent, what would be a way that parents can help kids to to minimize how you feel about that stress?
• 5:10
  Maybe praying about it as a family or like talking about it and like trying to like calm down and like tell like it's gonna be okay.
• 5:20
  I know we we've had some issues with vocabulary this year, your vocabulary quiz.
• 5:26
  You want to tell us about the story about how you used to go into those tests after you already did bad ones, and then how you changed it, uh, trying to explain uh how that happened, why you did that, and and where that came from.
• 5:39
  So the vocabulary tests that we have have like 20 vocab words, and you have to know synonyms and antonyms, but you don't know like which ones are gonna be on the test, and you just have to know all of them.
• 5:50
  And I feel like I would know most of them, and then like when we get to the test, like those most of them were on the test.
• 5:56
  I mean, like the opposite, like the ones that I didn't know.
• 6:00
  The ones you didn't know the best.
• 6:01
  Yeah.
• 6:02
  And so I used to go in saying, Oh, I'm I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do good, like this is gonna be a bad test.
• 6:09
  And then it would be like I would get like a 60 or something.
• 6:13
  But if I go into it, be like, I studied hard, I got this, like I don't I I will pass the test, and then I would go in with 90s, 95s, 100s.
• 6:24
  So like I feel like if you just tell yourself that you're gonna do good and you don't, so like you so you don't like tell yourself, you don't have that negative self-talk.
• 6:39
  So what you're trying to say is, for what I'm understanding, is that your self-talk changed.
• 6:44
  So you were you even though you were studying, you were still freaking yourself out by saying, I'm not gonna do good, I'm not gonna do good.
• 6:51
  And obviously, we still have to do preparation.
• 6:54
  You can't just go to a test that you didn't study and say, I'm gonna do good, I'm gonna do that.
• 6:57
  Yeah, you still have to like study, but like you still have to study.
• 7:00
  But I think that's an important lesson that especially for kids and and for parents to teach our children about how important their self-talk is, because the way that we talk to you becomes your self-talk.
• 7:12
  So the ways that we're trying to help to help you to be positive, to think about how good you're gonna do instead of how bad you're gonna do to, you know, that's what our Christian faith teaches us, is to have hope.
• 7:24
  And hope isn't saying, oh, we're just gonna fail.
• 7:27
  It's always saying, No, I know I'm gonna do good.
• 7:29
  It's having that positive uh mental attitude about it, and that really does have a big difference.
• 7:36
  So we we talked what's the hardest thing, but what's what's the one thing that adults need to understand about being a kid?
• 7:43
  Because we think being a kid is just really easy.
• 7:47
  What what things about being a kid do do most parents not understand?
• 7:50
  Like I kind of already said it kind of, like sometimes parents don't understand that like we also have stress as well.
• 7:58
  So, like with schoolwork and with sports and with friendships, like it's all kind of harder you're a teenager.
• 8:06
  And well, not just teenager, I mean like a kid too.
• 8:10
  But I feel like some parents don't understand that it's not just them that has stress.
• 8:17
  Yeah, I think we can do a better job of not minimizing your stress.
• 8:21
  Yeah.
• 8:22
  I know uh I'm guilty of this as adults.
• 8:25
  We think that only our stress is big stress, like we got to pay the mortgage, there's health diagnosis, I just have back surgery.
• 8:31
  So these bigger life kind of things.
• 8:34
  And then when kids talk about the problems that they have or things that they're going through, we kind of minimi minimize them and say, well, they're not that big, they're trivial in comparison to my issues, right?
• 8:45
  But to to little people, the these what seem to be little problems are actually big problems.
• 8:51
  And those are legitimate stresses and anxieties that you have trying to get good grades, right?
• 8:57
  That's a good anxiety to have, right?
• 9:00
  Because you're trying to do the best that you can and you don't want to fall short.
• 9:03
  And you know that means to, you know, get in NHS and then get better honors classes and get into college.
• 9:09
  So you're already starting at a young age to start to feel a little bit of pressure.
• 9:12
  So what can parents do to help make it not feel like it's so much pressure on you as a kid?
• 9:18
  That the balance of yes, still you're a kid, you should be having fun, but also preparing you to be an adult.
• 9:24
  What are some some ways that you would like to be treated when it comes to your grades and friendships and and and sports?
• 9:31
  I feel like I don't want you guys to just say like it doesn't it's not that big of a deal.
• 9:41
  Like it doesn't matter.
• 9:42
  Yeah, it doesn't matter.
• 9:43
  Even though it does matter to a lot of kids, like I feel like we don't understand like what what our parents' stresses are, so we just think our stresses are like the biggest.
• 9:55
  But even though I realize that they're not really yeah, and I think parents who are doing a good job, the kids shouldn't ever feel our stresses, right?
• 10:03
  Because you guys are like you said, you're going through all your own stuff.
• 10:06
  You shouldn't be struggling with what I'm going through, shouldn't bleed into what you're going into.
• 10:11
  You know, as a as a dad, my job is to try to never have to worry about finances.
• 10:16
  A kid shouldn't have to worry about things.
• 10:17
  And I know there's examples where that's not true and things are happening, but we should really try to help shield you guys from those kinds of stresses and to deal with the stresses that you have to deal with normally, like yeah, making a sports team or making a club team or getting good grades or how to handle those situations with friends, especially as you get older and those progresses, it gets harder.
• 10:39
  Um give me a story about how maybe you were feeling stressed out and mom and dad made it better.
• 10:49
  Can you think of anything where something that we did that made it easier or better, or maybe after the fact, something that made it better?
• 10:56
  Okay, I have one.
• 10:58
  So when I I played volleyball this year, and I feel like my team did like not care, and like we would always lose, and they just wouldn't try.
• 11:13
  And I feel like after every game I would feel so bad because like, well, I'm the only one trying here.
• 11:19
  And my parents would just say, Well, that's all that matters.
• 11:22
  That we know that you care.
• 11:25
  But even though it still like was like very disheartening.
• 11:31
  Yeah.
• 11:33
  It's not that it's just that maybe maybe they did care, but they didn't know how to show it, or they were trying to be maybe too cool to say, Well, it doesn't really bother me.
• 11:42
  Yeah.
• 11:42
  I mean, I'm sure some of the girls were actually did care.
• 11:44
  Yeah.
• 11:44
  But I think that's just the way that they showed it or expressed that you know, losing didn't really bother them the way it bothers you.
• 11:50
  When you lose, you get really upset because you're competitive and you want to win.
• 11:54
  Yeah.
• 11:54
  But I feel like you guys helped me by just like saying that.
• 11:58
  Saying that the important things are, you know, you know, this is cliche, but it's it doesn't matter if you win or you lose, it's how you play the game.
• 12:05
  Exactly.
• 12:06
  And I think that those are, you know, we were just having this conversation last week about the things that we're trying to teach you for the real world, right?
• 12:14
  Yeah, winning and losing, those things matter, right, to you, and there's stresses about it.
• 12:18
  But at the end of the day, sports is meant to be teaching you life lessons of hey, hard work, perseverance, how to how to cooperate with other people, even if they don't care as much as you, or they're not as good as you, or you're not as good as them, right?
• 12:32
  That this these are lessons that you learn, and sports do a great job of galvanizing a bunch of different people together.
• 12:39
  But we always tell you the things that you can control are your attitude, effort, and your communication.
• 12:48
  Yeah, so your attitude, your effort, and communication, those are the things that you can control.
• 12:52
  Even if you lose throughout the game, I want to know that you gave your best, that you tried 100%.
• 12:56
  That's your effort.
• 12:57
  Every ball, every practice, you're trying your best.
• 12:59
  And that goes for schoolwork as well.
• 13:01
  And then your attitude.
• 13:02
  You know, you you touched on that when you're going into a test, that your attitude of how you approach the test, being positive, makes a big difference.
• 13:10
  Yes.
• 13:12
  So moving on to friendships, and as kids get older, this gets a little bit more difficult on how to navigate different friendships, different friendship groups.
• 13:22
  Avery's got friends at school, friends in the neighborhood who are different, friends on our club volleyball team, older friends.
• 13:29
  And it's different, difficult as people grow up, grow apart, grow into different sports or different hobbies, and then different classes, that you're meeting new classmates.
• 13:39
  There's always a constant flow of this.
• 13:42
  So I think every parent worries about friendships for their kids because ultimately, I love the quote that we are an average of the five people that we spend the most time with.
• 13:52
  So we want our kids to have good friends that are going to help them make better decisions, right?
• 13:57
  To help have the same values and the same faith as us.
• 14:02
  So, in your your opinion, what makes a good friend?
• 14:07
  A good friend is always like there for you and like doesn't make things all about themselves and like cares about you and also like is kind and doesn't like talk behind your back or leave you out.
• 14:21
  Yeah, so that makes sense.
• 14:23
  And unfortunately, there's a lot of that happens, and it's just natural that I think we get a lot, we jump the gun and say, Well, that kid's mean or that kid's a bully.
• 14:33
  I just think that kids, especially in you know, sixth, seventh, eighth grade, middle school, are still trying to learn how to navigate within different friend groups because if one person isn't invited, it's like you left me out.
• 14:45
  Sometimes people just get overlooked.
• 14:47
  Sometimes, you know, there's just different things that happen.
• 14:49
  Some people, you know, in a group, it's hard for everybody to get along, you know, and that goes for adults too.
• 14:54
  And that's something that we struggle with as well.
• 14:57
  But I think a good friend are those things that you said, right?
• 15:00
  Somebody who who cares about you, who's gonna listen to you.
• 15:04
  Um, but we always try to explain to you and to Brayden is that if you want a good friend, you have to be a good friend.
• 15:14
  You have to be the kind of person to attract those kinds of people who are good people.
• 15:19
  But if you go into anything and it's just what what's in it for me?
• 15:22
  What about me?
• 15:23
  Let me talk about myself, versus you always finding, hey, how was your weekend?
• 15:28
  Hey, well, oh, that's neat.
• 15:29
  Where did you get that?
• 15:30
  Or trying to find out.
• 15:31
  And I think a lot of it comes down to curiosity, is that you're curious about them.
• 15:36
  You want to get to know them better.
• 15:37
  And that's the same with our relationship with God, right?
• 15:40
  Is that for me when I became Catholic, I had this initial experience, but then I wanted to get to know God better.
• 15:48
  So I spent so much time in prayer and reading and studying scriptures so I can get to know God better.
• 15:54
  And that's the same with our relationship, especially with friends, especially a new kid comes in or whatever.
• 15:59
  How else do you get to know people by asking them questions, spending time with them and getting to know them?
• 16:04
  So what do you think causes the most drama between girls?
• 16:09
  Because it seems that girls have a little bit more drama.
• 16:11
  Boys seem to be more just competitive and that stuff.
• 16:15
  But it seems like there's a lot of rifts that go easier through through girl drama.
• 16:20
  What do you think the the cause of that is?
• 16:24
  Probably when like girls like talk bad about others or like leave others out.
• 16:33
  How does that make you feel when when you feel like you've been left out or someone is talking behind your back?
• 16:38
  It isn't a good feeling, but also you can use it another way.
• 16:43
  Maybe they left me out for a reason.
• 16:45
  Maybe I'm off-putting to them.
• 16:47
  Maybe like I should change like the way I like approach things or the way I act.
• 16:54
  But I feel like it it does hurt though.
• 16:58
  So I I hear what you're saying.
• 17:00
  You're saying that sometimes it's for a reason, right?
• 17:03
  That it gives you a feedback loop to say, oh, okay, well, maybe it's not them.
• 17:08
  Maybe it's something that I'm doing that I could be doing better.
• 17:10
  Maybe uh yeah, I'm off putting, or maybe I'm, you know, making all the conversations more about me than about the group or or the individual person.
• 17:20
  So a lot of it stems with what do you find that's harder to be in groups together?
• 17:26
  I mean, one-on-one, it obviously seems a lot easier.
• 17:29
  What do you find that's with the group dynamics when you're in person with with you know your classmates or or your friends, what makes that tough when when you're actually hanging out?
• 17:39
  Um, I feel like a lot of people are just on their phones.
• 17:45
  Sometimes, like when we hang out, they're all just like on their phones, and I don't have a phone, so like I kind of just think it's pointless to like be all together in a room, even though you're isolated on your own different phone.
• 18:01
  But I feel like it's harder now because of all of the technology and electronics, because people are more they more care about like online life than real life, and it kind of just makes me sad that we can't just like talk to each other.
• 18:21
  Yeah.
• 18:22
  Yeah, and that's which I didn't understand that at all.
• 18:25
  And I know you were explaining to me that you know, yeah, you don't have phones and and and and it you want a phone because you want to try to fit in because that's what everybody else is doing, right?
• 18:36
  But you see the other side, it's like we can't just hang out, everyone's so preoccupied with their phones.
• 18:42
  And what I always find interesting is that it's not even that they're showing each other what's on the phone, like, hey, look at this or look at that.
• 18:48
  It's like everybody's just doing their own thing, but in the same room.
• 18:52
  And that goes the same for adults too.
• 18:53
  Adults are guilty of that too.
• 18:55
  It's like where you could be in a crowded room and still feel isolated because people aren't engaging into that conversation, into the to the real world.
• 19:03
  And you know, we're we're one of the few parents that haven't given their kid a cell phone yet, right?
• 19:10
  Are there any other kids in your your class that don't have a cell phone?
• 19:14
  The last one.
• 19:15
  Yeah.
• 19:15
  But you did get an iWatch.
• 19:17
  She just I don't have it on, but she don't have it on, but she did just get an Apple Watch.
• 19:20
  So Well, I got an iPad for Christmas too.
• 19:23
  Yeah.
• 19:24
  So I I think the difference between the iPads and the watches is that that's more for like group home group messages, or like, hey, if yeah, you're gonna go to the park, you're gonna go to the ice cream uh shop that you we can get in contact with with you if you had to from the watch.
• 19:39
  But it's not that everywhere you go, you're attached to this phone, and then that's all that you do because you're starting to see it with your own eyes.
• 19:46
  Why we're restricting phones because we know I won't be like that.
• 19:50
  Well, because the temptation is real, because we we we suffer, you know.
• 19:53
  I deal with this.
• 19:54
  I have a hard time with my phone from doing all the social media stuff that I do and all the creation, all the things that I do.
• 20:00
  It's it's a temptation to do more and to be on there, and then you get that that dopaminergic loop, so it feels good.
• 20:06
  You get, oh, I got these likes, I got this uh comments, I got this stuff, and that that feels good.
• 20:11
  So you're seeing first in and and uh firsthand what that feels like.
• 20:17
  That that parlays right into our next uh section about social media and phones.
• 20:23
  What do adults not understand about phones with this generation?
• 20:29
  I don't think they understand that all kids might not get like addicted to their phone.
• 20:36
  Like, actually, I have a friend that just got a phone, but she actually prefers her iPad over it because she's like, it's just something, just smaller iPad.
• 20:45
  She like thinks it's like and she doesn't go on it that much.
• 20:49
  But I feel like most of the kids do.
• 20:54
  So, what would you suggest for if we did give you a phone?
• 20:57
  What would be some good boundaries and some some things that we could do where you wouldn't get addicted to it, where you could still use it and not feel left out?
• 21:06
  What are what what would you suggest as some some boundaries or some parameters?
• 21:10
  Maybe like time limits on different apps, like that's what the friend has.
• 21:15
  She has like different time limits, and that's why she doesn't like that's why she doesn't get addicted.
• 21:21
  Is because like on different apps, like it's only for like what 30 minutes to an hour on each one.
• 21:27
  So limiting, uh having those blocks where you can still get on it, but you're not gonna be encompassing.
• 21:32
  What about rules as far as when we are together as a family that they're putting on?
• 21:38
  We have a rule that at dinner there's no cell phones, there's no TVs.
• 21:41
  Especially we see when we go out to dinner, what does it look like that everybody's on their cell phones and no one's having those conversations?
• 21:47
  Exactly.
• 21:48
  And that's the one of the best things about our faith is that what Jesus taught us is about table fellowship.
• 21:53
  When we're having meals together, it's such a great opportunity to not only share a meal together, but to share our lives together to get to know.
• 22:00
  People, especially what we try to do every every meal, we sit down every every day for dinner, is where we get to ask each other like how their day was.
• 22:08
  We do high low buffalo, or people do rows and thorns, or anything about a highlight of your day, or something low, or just something that you want to mention, or something that was challenging, or something that you learned today.
• 22:19
  We try to do that every single day and to engage because every relationship, you have to find out about the person.
• 22:29
  Like I can't know about you unless I ask you and listen to you, or if you just tell me that I still have to listen.
• 22:35
  So that takes attention.
• 22:36
  And I think the cell phones rob so many people of their attention because they're so focused looking down that it's hard to look up and and and to pay attention.
• 22:46
  Yeah.
• 22:46
  So what do you think makes social media so attractive to kids?
• 22:52
  Probably that other people like view it kind of, and like, yeah, like give like you said, like it's good to know that they give you likes or comments.
• 23:02
  I feel like people want to be seen more online than in real life.
• 23:08
  So they like to share like all the cool things that they're doing or the things that they got or what's going on.
• 23:15
  Do you see how that can become a problem for some people?
• 23:17
  Yeah.
• 23:18
  That sh you know, that this comparison we can fall into the trap of comparison that uh, you know, adults do that too.
• 23:24
  But for kids, especially girls, it's definitely harder.
• 23:27
  People are trying to say, well, that girl's prettier than me.
• 23:29
  That girl's got the newest handbag or the newest squishy, or the newest, you know, the the they went on the coolest vacation or they're going to Disney for the fifth time.
• 23:38
  That those are those things that we're trying to compare what we have.
• 23:41
  And I think it robs us of being grateful and and happy with what we already have.
• 23:47
  It's it's a nice tool to help share our lives to be social, but if it's making us disconnected from everybody else, then is it really being social?
• 23:56
  What do you think kids compare themselves to people like online?
• 24:02
  Do do kids like, do they do that?
• 24:04
  Do you find that with your friends' groups that they compare themselves to other kids about what's going on a lot?
• 24:09
  What have you noticed?
• 24:10
  I feel like girls always point out their insecurities and like what they don't have or what they don't look like.
• 24:16
  And I feel like it should be the opposite.
• 24:19
  Like you should show, you shouldn't be proud of what you look like.
• 24:23
  Proud of like yourself.
• 24:25
  You shouldn't like point out little things.
• 24:28
  Focusing on all the negatives or your flaws, because everybody has flaws, right?
• 24:33
  Except for the social media so they can use filters and do all these different things to try to hide AI to hide their their flaws.
• 24:42
  So what do you think some of the biggest downsides to social media and technology and cell phones are?
• 24:47
  Probably people thinking that they have like what I said, like finding insecurities.
• 24:52
  If they find someone, oh my gosh, she's way prettier.
• 24:55
  I don't look like that, then like it it'll turn social media like not a good thing, a negative thing.
• 25:06
  So what do you think is is a good solution for parents if they're watching and listening for kids?
• 25:12
  What what kind of suggestions about monitoring social media or cell phone use?
• 25:17
  What would be some good advice coming from a kid's perspective about what that should look like?
• 25:22
  Because if we're honest, taking them away, like I said, we she doesn't have a cell phone, but she does have an iPad where she can message her friends.
• 25:29
  She just got the Apple Watch.
• 25:31
  But if you just say no technology, never, it's all bad, that there's going to be this temptation to, you know, every time they go by their friends, they're going to sneak, they're going to hide.
• 25:40
  But having this healthy relationship, Poblio the 14th's newest encyclical Magnificat Humanitas, he talks about this in the document that social media and technology does have this nefarious aspect to it if we let it, it's not neutral.
• 25:56
  So it's how that we use those tools, how we monitor that time.
• 26:00
  But I think it's a very important, like you said, to have that balance.
• 26:04
  So, what are some ways as a kid that you think parents could do a better job of giving some freedom, but having some boundaries and having some some rules?
• 26:13
  What would you think would be a great compromise?
• 26:15
  I feel like what you guys are doing, like not a phone, but like an Apple Watch and like an iPad.
• 26:20
  I feel like Until high school.
• 26:21
  Until high school, yeah.
• 26:22
  Because I feel like if I didn't have any of that, I would be like a lot of isolated because like they text and then they come back, they talk about it.
• 26:31
  But and like not so much.
• 26:33
  But not having the the phone isn't that big of a deal.
• 26:36
  Yeah.
• 26:36
  Because you can still be in a group message on like an iPad where we can still kind of monitor what's going on.
• 26:41
  But when you're out playing, you're not holding your phone every two seconds.
• 26:44
  You can actually enjoy being a kid.
• 26:46
  Yeah.
• 26:46
  Because the line from uh Jonathan Haidt, his new newest book, The Anxious Generation, he says that the day you give your kid a cell phone is the day that their childhood ends.
• 26:57
  And I think that that is something that we should be thinking about because as soon as we give them that, the world in their fingertips, we're more worried about, you know, the stranger danger on the street.
• 27:07
  You know, I still don't know in my whole entire life one person has ever been kidnapped.
• 27:12
  And we're so worried about letting our kids go a little bit farther away from our house.
• 27:16
  Jonathan Heid's suggestion is that we can't just restrict cell phone use.
• 27:21
  His his advice is no phones until high school, no social media to 16, right?
• 27:26
  But then we also have to give them freedom.
• 27:28
  You can't just take away the way that, you know, that their technology without allowing them to go a little bit farther into their neighborhood to not necessarily be free-range kids, right?
• 27:39
  But there's ways to monitor and you know, um, there's tracking.
• 27:43
  We have uh our son has walkie-talkies, so he can go pretty far.
• 27:46
  So we were giving them some freedom, it, but we can't just say, no, you can't do this, and then not give them any kind of freedom in the other ways, right?
• 27:55
  But at the same time, parents are worried about you know, stranger danger, but they're not worried about giving a cell phone where you're literally inviting the whole world in here.
• 28:05
  And there's so many ways where the kids today can use that.
• 28:08
  And any, we've seen the the horror stories about how kids, you know, are in these chat rooms and roadblocks and all these other things, and then kids uh people disguise themselves as kids and they're really predators, and and so we have to really do a better job of doing that.
• 28:23
  We're not not to be so worried about stranger danger, which it still could be an issue, but to be more vigilant online of when we do give that freedom that we give you other freedoms, but we also monitor and keep uh what's going on.
• 28:37
  What do you think?
• 28:39
  You said uh you talked about the different stresses of pressure to get good grades, friendships, sports, what do you and fitting in?
• 28:48
  What do you think is the biggest stress out of all of them?
• 28:53
  I feel like can you say them again so they can like rank them?
• 28:58
  Yeah, so we have getting good grades, sports, friends, and fitting in.
• 29:07
  I feel it like it's fitting in school friends sports, sports, yeah.
• 29:18
  Even though sports is it's important, but it's not doesn't stress you out as much.
• 29:22
  Yeah.
• 29:23
  If yeah, if you don't make the team, obviously that's stressful, but we know that that's an opportunity to to work harder.
• 29:28
  It's God's will.
• 29:29
  It's God's will, exactly.
• 29:31
  Good job.
• 29:32
  And so so fitting in is one of the hardest parts, right?
• 29:37
  But you know, one thing that I like to remember is this Jim Cavizel quote who played Jesus in the Passion.
• 29:44
  He said that he said, be saints.
• 29:47
  You weren't born to fit in, you were born to stand out, right?
• 29:51
  Sometimes fitting in, if that means compromising who Jesus created us to be, then we have to watch that.
• 29:59
  But I know the pressure of a kid to kind of you don't want to stand out in the group, you want to fit in, right?
• 30:06
  Because the one who's kind of outside the group is ridiculed or cannot be included in things like that.
• 30:11
  So you're saying out of all the things, that's the biggest pressure is to fit in so that your other classmates like like you.
• 30:18
  What does that come from?
• 30:19
  What's the stress about it?
• 30:21
  I feel like some like people like might think you're like weird if you like do different things, but also being yourself, yeah, but also sometimes don't let it get to you.
• 30:35
  So there's a balance between I want them to accept me, but I want them to accept me for me.
• 30:40
  That you don't want to have to compromise the things that you're into or that you like just to fit in, but you also don't want to be ostracized because you are yourself.
• 30:50
  So it's that's one of my vocabulary workshop words.
• 30:53
  With ostracize?
• 30:54
  Well, good.
• 30:54
  So we can use it in a sentence.
• 30:56
  Very good.
• 30:57
  To cut out or leave out.
• 30:58
  Nice.
• 30:59
  So you are you are paying attention.
• 31:01
  Good.
• 31:02
  All right.
• 31:02
  So section on faith, which we are blessed that mom is the principal at the school and you're going to a Catholic school.
• 31:10
  But what is it like being Catholic at SJE?
• 31:13
  What do you what do you think it's what is the the best thing about going to a Catholic school?
• 31:17
  I feel like you have more freedom of uh like talking about your faith.
• 31:20
  Like you don't, you're not scared about because you went to public school for a few years.
• 31:24
  Yeah, I went to public school for like three years, and then like the switch was like way better because then I realized that I could talk about Jesus without people going like, oh, like because my old school, like you weren't even able to like bring up Jesus, or they'll be like, you can't say that word, or like something like that.
• 31:44
  That stinks.
• 31:45
  So I mean it's way better here because we get to like do adoration, mass, um religion class.
• 31:55
  Religion class, yeah.
• 31:56
  What does mom do best to help faith in the school?
• 31:59
  Do you think?
• 32:00
  I feel like the adoration in the mass.
• 32:02
  Adoration.
• 32:03
  Well, she doesn't do the mass, but she helps.
• 32:05
  She does the adoration, but she like helps.
• 32:08
  Starts the day with prayer.
• 32:09
  Starts starts and ends the day with prayer every day.
• 32:13
  What about Fridays?
• 32:14
  Oh, yeah, we go to mass.
• 32:17
  And then what about after school?
• 32:19
  Oh, Divine Mercy.
• 32:21
  We go to Divine Mercy Chaplet.
• 32:24
  Yeah.
• 32:24
  That's cool.
• 32:25
  So what do you think for kids?
• 32:27
  Do do the kids, even though they go to a Catholic school, do you think that kids think faith is weird or do you think it's more No, I feel like it's more open.
• 32:35
  It's more normal.
• 32:36
  Yeah.
• 32:36
  You're more open to conversations.
• 32:39
  So kids actually do talk about God outside of religion class?
• 32:42
  Yeah.
• 32:42
  Can you think of any examples of any kind of conversations you had with another classmate about God?
• 32:47
  Sometimes it's just like in religion class, like our teacher like brings up like a conversation or like a question.
• 32:55
  And like it like opens up like a lot of people, like what they think about different things.
• 33:01
  And it opens up outside of the religion class.
• 33:03
  Yeah.
• 33:04
  Like an into recess or passing periods.
• 33:07
  Any conversation that you've had about God that was interesting?
• 33:11
  Um, I can't really think.
• 33:13
  Can't think of anything right now.
• 33:15
  Well, what to you, what what makes faith interesting?
• 33:19
  What parts about the faith do you really enjoy about being Catholic?
• 33:22
  That it it wasn't just like back oh like in like the Bible like a long time ago.
• 33:29
  It's now.
• 33:30
  Like Jesus is always with us.
• 33:31
  It's not just like the Bible was something and Jesus was something, He is with us.
• 33:37
  So it's not just like history where you're just studying people who are old and who passed in the history.
• 33:42
  Well, what do you think makes faith boring?
• 33:46
  What are what are things that where you you don't really think that it's interesting and it's kind of makes it boring?
• 33:51
  BCTs.
• 33:52
  Remembering your BCTs, your basic Catholic teaching.
• 33:55
  Yeah, I feel like it's more boring when you just like memorizing the thing.
• 33:59
  Yeah.
• 34:00
  You like more of the conversational kind of conversation.
• 34:02
  Yeah.
• 34:02
  But you understand why you have to know the basic teachings that once you know them, then you can have a better conversation about it.
• 34:08
  So that's good.
• 34:10
  All right.
• 34:10
  What do you think helps young people stay connected to God the most?
• 34:15
  Probably like adoration.
• 34:17
  Because I feel like in adoration, my mom likes to do like a lot of like questions or like activities that we do, like with note cards.
• 34:25
  I feel like you to think about.
• 34:27
  I feel like when you write on a note card or instead of just thinking in your head, it helps a lot.
• 34:33
  All right.
• 34:34
  So let's shift to parents here.
• 34:36
  Okay.
• 34:37
  Okay.
• 34:39
  You're a kid, you're gonna give us a perspective about what it's like being a kid.
• 34:43
  What makes a kid feel loved?
• 34:46
  I feel like what makes a kid feel loved is when a parent like sees and like sees them by saying like you did something good instead of just focusing on like all the things that they did bad.
• 35:02
  Even though like you still have to like correct them, but like if like a few like positive things that you say, like, oh my gosh, she did really good on your desk, good job, or um good job on your overhand servant volleyball, or you look very beautiful today.
• 35:18
  Thanks.
• 35:19
  Stuff like that.
• 35:20
  So you so what you're trying to say is that you understand why parents pick pick out those negative things, but we can't just do those.
• 35:28
  We have to also, when you're doing something good, you like to you like those words of affirmation that you like to know when you are doing good that mom and dad are noticing and that they're verbalizing and communicating that with you because it feels good.
• 35:41
  It makes it feel like we we are noticing and and we love you.
• 35:45
  Okay, that's interesting.
• 35:46
  I think I agree with that.
• 35:48
  What do parents worry about too much, do you think, about kids your age?
• 35:52
  What are we worrying about too much?
• 35:54
  I feel like you guys worry too much about your room being clean?
• 36:02
  Yeah, like things that yeah.
• 36:07
  Well, you understand we've had this, we had this conversation last week, right?
• 36:10
  Why why did I tell you why it's important to have your room clean?
• 36:14
  Because you need to respect our stuff, you need to respect your stuff and your space, and that God created the universe, he created order out of chaos.
• 36:24
  And if your little space that we give you to live in is chaos, it's hard for you to feel the tranquility of that peace of that order.
• 36:32
  That as you get older, we're giving you more responsibility and bigger things.
• 36:36
  And if you can't take care of the things that we already give you, it's hard for us to trust you with the next thing, which will be a phone, then a car, these other things.
• 36:43
  If you're not going to take care of your room, you know, it's as I was explaining to you, or an animal or an animal, yeah, right?
• 36:52
  Or the dog.
• 36:52
  Like Leah.
• 36:54
  Yeah, is that the respect for your things is definitely part of it, but we're trying to teach you to be a responsible adult.
• 37:03
  So as you get older, you're gonna have your own house, you're gonna have your own car, and you're gonna have to take care of those things.
• 37:09
  When we take care of them, they last longer, right?
• 37:12
  That it shows that you you you're you're a good steward of the gifts and the talents and the things that you have, that you're not gonna waste it, you're not gonna abuse it, that that's part of being grateful.
• 37:22
  When you're grateful, you you take care of things, that you're not taking it for granted.
• 37:26
  If everything is just handed to you, and then if it breaks, whatever, I just give you another one.
• 37:31
  Then it doesn't really.
• 37:33
  It does you're not gonna appreciate the thing that you had to either earn or work or work hard for to get it because you earned your with your own money or you worked hard.
• 37:41
  Like this week I worked hard to get my Apple Watch.
• 37:43
  I cleaned my room the whole week.
• 37:45
  Yeah, right.
• 37:46
  So that was part of the deal.
• 37:47
  It's like, well, you got to show to us that they we're not gonna tell you one day this week, you gotta do a whole week where we're not gonna say, don't clean your room, that you're just gonna do it on your own.
• 37:57
  You're gonna keep the floor, uh, the floor clean, you're gonna put your clothes away, you're gonna make your bed, you're gonna do those things, and you're gonna show us that you are responsible enough to be able to have an Apple Watch.
• 38:06
  And and you did.
• 38:07
  So we had it there.
• 38:08
  But going forward, it's not a one and done.
• 38:12
  You're still gonna have to do that on your own.
• 38:14
  Yeah, we're not gonna tell you it's time to take a shower, you have to clean your room.
• 38:16
  That those are our expectations.
• 38:18
  Those are the things that you're respected to do.
• 38:20
  And then if you don't do them, then there are those consequences.
• 38:22
  But when we catch you, hey, I noticed your room was clean for the last three days.
• 38:26
  Good job.
• 38:26
  You cleaned your room, like you said.
• 38:27
  Yeah, that makes you feel like, okay, we are noticing.
• 38:31
  So not rapid fire, almost a couple more.
• 38:35
  Okay.
• 38:36
  So what do great parents do?
• 38:38
  What what do you think that parents are right?
• 38:40
  What do they do?
• 38:41
  I feel like great parents let their kids like just go outside and not just like go on a screen.
• 38:47
  And I feel like great parents um notice like what the things the kids are doing good, like how I was saying that like not just always focus on the things that they do bad.
• 38:58
  What about like how you're the difference between mom and dad?
• 39:02
  Like, what are some things that mom does that you really l enjoy about your relationship with her?
• 39:07
  I feel like she likes to like point out things about me like every day.
• 39:11
  She like made a promise to me that every day she'll say something like really nice to me, or write me sometimes she like write me a letter in the morning.
• 39:22
  So I feel like I like She's a good listener.
• 39:25
  She's always trying to listen to you.
• 39:28
  What about your dad?
• 39:29
  What do I do good if anything?
• 39:32
  You don't do anything about joking.
• 39:37
  Um, I feel like you like help like comfort me if I'm sad, or you're just there for me?
• 39:50
  And yeah.
• 39:53
  Well, I'm I'm glad to be there for you when you need me anytime you know that.
• 39:58
  Um so when do you feel most connected to mom and dad?
• 40:01
  Probably like more like one-on-one things where like you guys like say something to me or like just talk to me, like if we're having like a day together like we did yesterday.
• 40:12
  Yeah.
• 40:13
  So you prefer that you you know that's um it's not easy to do all the time, but you prefer sometimes some, especially if you got other siblings, that one-on-one time is very important.
• 40:22
  Daddy-daughter dates, or you go out with mom and you guys get your nails done or watch Hallmark movies or whatever we think that you guys do.
• 40:30
  Yeah.
• 40:31
  All right, so we are on to the rapid fire part.
• 40:34
  So you made it.
• 40:36
  All right.
• 40:37
  What is the most overrated app?
• 40:41
  Probably overrated?
• 40:43
  Um probably Snapchat and like TikTok and Instagram.
• 40:50
  What's the most underrated app?
• 40:53
  Duolingo or um I don't know.
• 41:00
  Roblox.
• 41:01
  Roblox.
• 41:02
  What's the best family habit?
• 41:04
  Um, probably praying every day.
• 41:08
  What's the worst thing about middle school?
• 41:10
  Uh probably so much school a lot of schoolwork.
• 41:14
  A lot of homework?
• 41:15
  Yeah.
• 41:15
  What's the best thing about middle school?
• 41:18
  More well, the kids like look up to you when you're older.
• 41:22
  Yeah.
• 41:23
  Who's your favorite saint?
• 41:24
  Saint Therese of Sioux.
• 41:27
  Yeah.
• 41:28
  What's your favorite favorite family tradition that we have?
• 41:32
  Um probably just like praying every day at night or like saying the Divine Mercy chaplet.
• 41:42
  What's one thing every parent should know?
• 41:46
  That you're doing good parenting.
• 41:51
  Like if you're having like a hard time, like with your kids, then just know that you're doing really good.
• 41:59
  That's good, because that was my last question, which was that imagine a mom or dad is listening to this right now and they're trying really hard and they don't always get it right.
• 42:09
  What would what would you want them to know?
• 42:12
  Like kind of that, like they're doing good, and like it'll all be okay.
• 42:17
  If like you're if you're having a hard time, it'll be okay.
• 42:20
  You just like let go and let God.
• 42:23
  Well, thank you, Avery, for taking the time here on your first day of summer break to come down here and do the podcast with Catholic Couple.
• 42:30
  So, what do we tell them to do next?
• 42:32
  Subscribe.
• 42:33
  Make sure that you follow us on TikTok and Instagram.
• 42:37
  Yeah, follow the Catholic Couple on TikTok, Facebook, and uh Instagram, and hit that hit that subscribe button here on YouTube.
• 42:45
  We put out weekly shows.
• 42:46
  So if you found this interesting, maybe you could share this with one of your teens or uh or you know, watch it together or shend it to another parent who may be struggling.
• 42:55
  That I think it's a lot easier sometimes for us to just go about our business and to and to forget what it's like to be a kid.
• 43:02
  It's good to step into their shoes and to remember what it was like so long ago.
• 43:07
  Uh, you know, we're growing up, but we forget that those problems that kids have are a lot bigger than we remember.
• 43:13
  So it's good to hear uh from Avery her her point of view.
• 43:17
  And I I hopefully it helped you.
• 43:18
  And if it did, like I said, hit that like, share, and subscribe.
• 43:21
  We do appreciate it.
• 43:22
  God bless you and have a beautiful night.