Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / The Coaching Favor Why Women Get Less Honest Feedback
Transcript
- Luna: Lucas, I want to run something by you. A friend of mine—Priya, she's a marketing director—got her annual review last month. It was glowing. 'Great collaborator.' 'Always supports the team.' 'Reliable.' She was promoted two years ago, but she's been feeling stuck lately. So she asked her new boss for the real feedback, the kind that helps her grow. And her boss said, 'Honestly? You need to stop being so helpful and start being more strategic.' Lucas: Oof. That's a gut punch. But I bet Priya's not alone. There's a growing body of research showing that women receive more 'coaching compliments'—positive, supportive language—while men get more direct, critical feedback that actually moves the needle. It's called the 'coaching favor,' and it might be one of the quietest career traps out there. Luna: The coaching favor. I like that phrase. So the idea is that reviewers, often unconsciously, give women softer feedback to avoid seeming harsh. But in doing so, they deprive women of the honest corrections that help people grow. Lucas: Exactly. And we have data on this. A 2024 study from Texas A&M looked at thousands of performance reviews across five Fortune 500 companies. They found that women's reviews were 30 percent more likely to contain words like 'supportive,' 'helpful,' and 'collaborative,' while men's reviews were 40 percent more likely to include words like 'lead,' 'drive,' and 'execute.' Separately, Textio, the augmented writing platform, analyzed feedback data in 2025 and found that women received 2.5 times more references to 'communication style' than men—often framed as a weakness—while men got more feedback on business outcomes. Luna: So women get praised for being good teammates, but criticized for how they talk. Meanwhile, men get told how to win. Lucas: Right. And that's the coaching favor in action. It's not that managers are malicious. They're trying to be nice. But they're also making a calculation—often subconsciously—that a woman might react emotionally to blunt feedback, or that it's safer to stick to praise. The result is that women get less actionable intel on what they need to change. Luna: And that compounds over time. If you're not getting the message that you need to delegate more, or take more risks, or own your wins publicly, you can hit a ceiling without ever knowing why. Lucas: Precisely. Which brings me to something I really want to highlight. We do our best to bring you this kind of actionable research without any ads or sponsors. That's a deliberate choice—we think the content should speak for itself. If you find value in episodes like this and want to support that ad-free mission, you can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure, just an option. Luna: I love that we keep it clean. It lets us go deep without interruption. Anyway, back to Priya. Her boss's feedback was actually a gift, in a way. But it came two years late. What could she have done to get that insight sooner? Lucas: That's the million-dollar question. One tactic that's gaining traction is called 'feedforward.' Instead of asking 'How did I do?'—which invites backward-looking praise—you ask 'What's one thing I could do differently in the next quarter to increase my impact?' That shifts the conversation from evaluation to coaching. Luna: Feedforward. I like that. It's harder for a manager to give you a platitude when you're asking for a specific forward-looking adjustment. Lucas: Exactly. And you can make it even more concrete by saying, 'Could you give me an example of a situation where I could have been more strategic?' That forces them to think of a real moment, not just a general impression. Luna: So it's about changing the question. Instead of 'How am I doing?'—which invites 'Great, keep it up'—you ask 'What should I start doing, stop doing, or do differently?' Lucas: Yes. And there's evidence that this works. A 2023 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology looked at feedback seekers who used specific, forward-looking questions. They received 40 percent more actionable comments than those who asked generic questions. And the effect was even stronger for women—probably because it counters the coaching favor directly. Luna: That's encouraging. But what about the manager's side? If I'm a manager listening to this, how do I make sure I'm not falling into the coaching favor trap? Lucas: Great question. One thing managers can do is audit their own feedback language. Keep a running list of the adjectives you use for each direct report. If you find yourself using 'supportive' and 'collaborative' for women, and 'strategic' and 'decisive' for men, that's a red flag. Luna: And then deliberately add more of the 'hard' feedback for everyone. Not to be harsh, but to be honest. Lucas: Right. And structure feedback so it always includes at least one area for growth. Some companies now require managers to include a 'development area' in every review, regardless of gender. That helps normalize critical feedback for everyone. Luna: So the fix is partly systemic—changing the review template—and partly individual—changing the questions we ask. Lucas: Exactly. And let's be clear: the coaching favor isn't just a women's issue. Men who get only blunt feedback without any praise can feel demoralized. But the data shows women are disproportionately affected because they're systematically under-corrected. Luna: And under-corrected means under-promoted. Because if you never hear that you need to be more strategic, you never work on it. Then when promotion time comes, you're passed over for someone who did get that feedback. Lucas: That's the mechanism. And it's subtle. In Priya's case, she had three years of glowing reviews. She thought she was on track. But her new boss saw the gap immediately. The question is: how many women are in that position right now, getting praised into a corner? Luna: It makes me wonder about the role of peer feedback, too. If your manager isn't giving you the hard truths, maybe a trusted colleague can. Lucas: Absolutely. Some companies are experimenting with 360-degree feedback systems that include peer input. But the coaching favor can show up there too—peers may also soften feedback for women. So it helps to ask peers the same feedforward question: 'What's one thing you think I could do differently to be more effective in our team?' Luna: And if you're a listener who's about to go into a review, what's your one takeaway? Lucas: Go in with three specific questions. One: 'What's the most important thing I could do in the next six months to increase my impact?' Two: 'Can you give me an example of a time I missed an opportunity to lead?' Three: 'What's one skill you think I should develop that I'm not working on now?' That third one is key—it's asking for the blind spot. Luna: And if they give you a vague answer, push. Say, 'I really want to understand. Can you think of a specific situation?' Lucas: Yes. Because vague feedback is the enemy of growth. And the coaching favor thrives on vagueness. 'You're a great team player'—that's nice, but it doesn't tell you anything. Luna: Priya ended up working with her boss on a development plan focused on delegation and strategic thinking. She's now six months in, and she says she's already seeing results. She just wishes she'd asked those questions sooner. Lucas: That's the thing. The feedback you don't get can be the most valuable. And if you're not getting it, you have to go get it. The system isn't going to fix itself overnight. Luna: But we can fix our own approach. Ask better questions. Push for specifics. And if you're a manager, audit your own language. It's a small change that could have a huge ripple effect. Lucas: I think that's a great note to end on. For everyone listening, we'd love to hear your experiences with feedback—what worked, what didn't. You can reach us on our website. And if you want to support the ad-free work we do, that link again: buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Thanks for being here. Luna: Thanks, Lucas. And thanks to Priya for sharing her story. Until next time.