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How To Live Happily Ever After: Goal Setting for Couples · Trauma Free Relationship

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  Everybody does it. Usually at the end of one year,
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  people begin to make resolutions for the next.
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  This includes individuals, this includes families, and this
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  certainly includes organizations.
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  No organization on earth goes into the next year and says, you
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  know what, let's just wing it. Let's just see what happens.
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  I don't know what our revenue goals might be.
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  I don't know what our marketing markers might want to achieve,
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  but let's just see what happens. That's not the way people grow.
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  It's not how they achieve their goals together.
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  So why should it be any different for couples?
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  I believe that couples need to learn how to set goals and
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  achieve goals together, and I believe it's an integral part in
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  how they learn to grow together as well, not only individually,
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  but grow together as a couple. So we're going to talk about how
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  do you live happily ever after? You do it by setting goals as a
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  couple. Let's get started.
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  Welcome to Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast that
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  provides support and guidance to help heal the wounds of
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  attachment trauma. Whether you find yourself
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  struggling with unresolved issues in the past or have
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  experienced trauma in your current relationship, our goal
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  is to provide accurate, scientifically informed
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  information as well as the tools to help you create a secure
• 1:25
  connection between you and your partner.
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  And here's your host, Tom Phillip.
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  OK. As I said in the introduction,
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  what we're going to talk about today is how do we achieve goals
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  as a couple. I think this is really, really
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  important for couples to do. As a matter of fact, I was
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  seeing a premarital couple not too long ago.
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  Just the most adorable couple they were.
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  They made such a cute team together and they just still
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  looked at each other with these adoring eyes and all the things
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  that you hope to see when you're starting your life together.
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  They were patient and kind and and and really understood each
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  other well, still open and engaged to learning about one
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  another again. All the hallmarks that you want
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  to see for a couple that's beginning their life together.
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  But as I began to dig a little bit deeper, I wanted to
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  understand, OK, what does it look like when they disconnect?
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  What does it look like when when they have some ruptures in the
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  relationship. And this couple, bless their
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  heart, they were very insightful.
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  They understood some of their patterns already.
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  They understood ways that they protected themselves and how
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  that perpetuated the disconnection and the cycles.
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  But at one point the spouse, in this case the the bride to be
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  said to me she's, you know what I want to do is I really want A
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  to build a strong foundation for us as we move into the future.
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  And I love that because I think that is exactly the right
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  mindset that couples should have before they get married and walk
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  down the aisle together. And my response was, well,
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  there's a good and bad news about that.
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  One is that you guys are going to continue to grow throughout
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  your lives. Sometimes you're going to grow a
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  little bit apart, sometimes you're going to grow closer
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  together. And that's normal in the family
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  life cycle to do that. And I said, but, but the good
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  news is that you have control over that foundation because so
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  much of your success depends on your ability to prioritize the
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  relationship and it depends on your ability to make sure that
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  you focus intentionally on ways that you all grow together.
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  And that's a little bit of how I conceive goal setting for
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  couples and goal setting it, It doesn't have to be absolutes, it
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  doesn't have to be written in stone, oh, we have to achieve
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  this goal or else. But rather, they are markers
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  that we're trying to accomplish as we work as a team together
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  for the benefit of us, for the benefit of the family as a
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  whole. And it's part of how we grow
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  into the future. So we're going to talk about 3
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  steps today that I think are vitally important for how we
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  grow together and how we grow into the future.
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  I'm reminded of a story Marshall Goldsmith, who's one of the
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  preeminent executive coaches in the country, if not the world.
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  He he told his story in his book How You Got Here Won't Get You
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  There. And he tells the story about
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  when he was traveling. So much probably still is
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  because of the demands of his job that he would set a goal
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  every year for how much time he spent with the family marked in
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  number of days. And maybe the first year it was
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  120 days of family time. So the next year he gathered the
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  family around he say hey, why don't we push that to 130 days?
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  And then the year after that he says can we go for 140 days.
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  So he was setting goals for himself and making sure that he
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  was intentional about spending quality time with his family
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  because of his extensive travel due to his his job, he always
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  had to fly out to where the executives are in various
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  organizations around the country in the world.
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  But it the funny part about this story is that he gets to a point
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  where he sits down with his family and he says, you know, I
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  think we can extend this another 10 days this year.
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  Why don't we go for 150 days? And what he didn't count on was
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  that his family had changed. The kids no longer needed or
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  required that amount of family time with them.
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  They were growing up, they were developing, they were getting
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  into their friends more. And so why he was still setting
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  these goals that it was extremely important to him.
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  He also, and this is the point of the story, had to be mindful
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  of how things were changing around him and be able to adjust
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  his goals based on the needs of the family as well.
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  So that's what we're going to talk about.
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  How do we make goals as a couple and how do we adjust those goals
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  if necessary based on the needs of the couple.
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  So one of the very first things I think we do when we talk about
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  setting goals is we have to align our core values as a
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  couple. This may seem a little bit
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  strange, but I don't think you can really make goals unless you
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  know what your shared values are as a couple.
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  Now this can be anything. It doesn't have to be
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  monumental, it can be small things.
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  But one strong indicator of what your shared values are as a
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  couple is where you put your time, money, and talent.
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  Where do you actually spend your money?
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  As a couple or a family? Where do you actually spend most
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  of your time? As a couple or a family?
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  And if you look back over, say, the last 12 months, maybe you
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  pull out your budget or a spreadsheet, or you just reflect
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  on what you've done over the past year.
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  Can you look at key moments where you've really invested
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  your time, your money or your talents in particular things?
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  And so I think this is really important.
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  So for example, in my family, music is one of our strong
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  values as a couple. My wife and I met through music.
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  I have two sons. They both are highly involved in
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  music. They both play jazz music.
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  I play a couple of instruments myself.
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  My wife sings and has a beautiful voice.
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  And so this is something that growing up was really important
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  to us and so it became a shared value in the family.
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  It certainly was where we invested a lot of our talents,
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  and not only that, we invested our time and money.
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  I built a little room on our house, a little makeshift studio
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  for the boys. We hung some guitars on the
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  wall, We put a piano back there, we've got a little drum set,
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  we've got a computer with a a DAW program in there so they can
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  record their their music together when they write their
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  songs. These are all things that we've
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  done to invest in music in our lives, not to mention just
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  generally playing music all the time in the house because it is
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  a strong shared value. So that's what I talk about when
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  I say a strong shared value. So you can even sort of reflect
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  together on some of these questions I'm going to ask here
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  in a minute. That kind of helps you lead to,
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  hey, what are some of our strong values?
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  What are some of our shared values that we have in this
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  relationship? So for example, what do you
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  enjoy doing in most of your free time?
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  So when you have free time together, do you love to go
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  camping, walking, exercising, shopping?
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  Do you love to go hiking? Do you love to play a sport?
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  What is it you do as a couple in your free time?
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  And and don't don't judge it, let's not have a layer of of
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  shame about it. Let's just kind of look at it
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  and point it out, OK. Maybe it's something that you're
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  recognizing that, yeah, this is a shared value.
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  We do a lot of this, but that's not really something that we
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  want to do in the future. That's OK too.
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  This is wonderful feedback for you all.
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  As you move through this exercise, you can recognize that
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  maybe that's not the value you want to have, but what you
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  really want is something else. So by reflecting on this, that's
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  a great way for you guys to strike up a dialogue about what
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  kind of shared value you want in the future.
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  So another question. If I had all the money in the
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  world, what would I spend it on? What would we spend it on as a
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  couple if if money was unlimited?
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  Is there something near and dear to our heart?
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  Is there a charity? Is there something we would do
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  to the house? Is there more money we would
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  give to lift up a family member, whatever that might be?
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  What is it that might bubble up to the surface?
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  If money wasn't an issue? If I had more free time, what
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  would I do? If I wasn't burdened with work
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  and family obligations or whatever else it is I might do?
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  Is there something I would spend a lot more time doing?
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  Maybe your deep, deep passion is bowling and you would bowl a lot
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  more if you had the chance. Great.
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  That might be a shared value for you and your partner to invest
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  more in bowling win or if that permits in your life, looking
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  past over the year on what did you spend most of your time and
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  your money. And again, you can just reflect
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  on this. You can even get methodical and
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  look back in your bank account if you want to and kind of see
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  where you spent most of your money.
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  Here's another question. Something I wish we could do
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  together is blank or I have always wanted to try.
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  Blank or blank is so important to me that I can't compromise it
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  so you can fill in those blanks with whatever it is that sort of
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  comes to mind. As you guys are reflecting on
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  these questions, another question might be what change
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  would I like to see in the world?
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  Is there a shared value around this for you and your partner?
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  What is the purpose of our money?
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  Do we see our money as a gift? Is it our responsibility to be
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  good stewards of the money that we make?
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  And is it our responsibility to be able to pass that down to our
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  children, or to be able to gift it to other people in need?
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  How do you reflect on, and what is your relationship with money?
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  Quite frankly, that sounds like a whole separate podcast I need
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  to do at some point now that I'm reflecting on it, so maybe we'll
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  do that in the future. What is a couple's relationship
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  to money? But for the purposes of this
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  podcast, use it as a way to be able to sort of generate some
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  dialogue between the two of you. And here's one final question.
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  How do we want to be remembered as a couple?
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  Not just as a person individually, but as a couple?
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  So these are just some questions that you can reflect on and
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  think about and dialogue about. Then what I want you to do is I
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  want you to build a spreadsheet with three columns, three
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  vertical columns up and down. In one column I want you to put
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  partner A and one column I want you to put partner B.
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  And in the last column I want you to put our shared values.
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  So one column partner A, second column partner B, third column
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  shared values. Then as you reflect and answer
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  those questions, put down whomever partner you are, A or
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  B, put down what your answers were.
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  And then and the third column, see if there's any overlap.
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  Are there any things that we agree on or if we want to start
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  creating that value for ourselves, can we put that in
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  our shared value column? So this just helps crystallize
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  what your values are. What do you spend your time,
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  talent and treasure on as a couple.
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  So that's the first step. The second step now is to
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  consider different types of goals.
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  As I said, there's no organization in the world that
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  just goes into the next year deciding to wing it.
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  They are intentional about what they want to accomplish.
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  And I think this goes the same for couples.
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  We have to be intentional about what we want to accomplish in
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  this next year. So the next step then, and these
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  are just some buckets that I want you to think about, but
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  what are some buckets that we could create goals around based
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  on our shared values? So one of the buckets is
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  spiritual or personal growth. Do we want to go to church and
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  pray more? Do we want to meditate or go on
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  hikes and be out of the nature more?
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  Do we want to read more self help books together or take a
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  class at our local Community College?
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  So what kind of personal and spiritual growth do we want to
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  accomplish together? Maybe it's reading a book
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  together. One book might be The Five Love
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  Languages. That's a huge book.
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  If you've never read that. It's a wonderful book.
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  It's an easy read. It's got a little survey in the
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  back. You guys as a couple could take
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  that. I read that book.
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  You could take the little survey and then share your answers with
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  each other. And it's a great way to sort of
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  understand a little something more about your partner and
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  maybe even about yourself. So what kind of spiritual or
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  personal growth do you guys want to accomplish as a couple this
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  next year? All right, second bucket, what
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  about fitness? Do we want to eat more healthy?
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  Do we want to exercise more? Do we want to join a gym
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  together or get up and exercise more together?
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  Do we want to walk, jog, run, hike?
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  Any type of fitness goals that we might have?
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  Maybe we want to go on a diet together.
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  Maybe we want to just eat more more healthily together, and so
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  how are we going to create that? How are we going to make that
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  happen for us? And what kind of goals can we
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  fit into this particular bucket as a couple?
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  The third bucket friends? Do we want to make more friends?
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  Do we want to socialize with more couple friends?
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  Do we want to have more buddies or or be introduced to each
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  other's friends more often so we can have time and share time
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  together with each other's friends?
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  So what is our social network going to be like and how can we
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  tap into that as a couple? I will say it's very important
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  as a couple to be able to have other couples to hang out with.
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  Once you get into a relationship, your single
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  friends are fine. There's nothing wrong with going
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  and hanging out with your single friends, but I do think that if
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  you are together for a long time in a committed relationship or
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  married as as at least most people are, then it's important
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  to have other couple friends to be able to hang out with.
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  So what? What does our friend network
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  look like and how might we create some goals around either
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  creating more friends or maybe creating different friends?
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  Maybe you don't like some of the couple friends you hang out with
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  and you really want to try. Try to create other friends that
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  that have the same shared values you do all right.
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  The 4th bucket family. How can we get more involved
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  with the kids? How can we have better quality
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  interactions with our kids? Do we need to have more
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  activities and more play dates or less activities and have more
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  just family days ourselves? What does it look like with your
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  extended family? Do we have any sick relatives
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  that we have to care for or do we need to see our families who
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  live in another state or province or wherever?
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  Do we need to see them more often and make that part of our
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  goals for the for the upcoming year?
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  All right. The next bucket is romance.
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  So scheduled date nights. Can we go some to some workshops
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  together? As I mentioned before, Can we
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  read some books together? Can we make time for each other?
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  What about our intimacy? Can we have more sex more often?
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  Can we have more non sexual touch in the relationship?
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  Can we have a vacation where we go on just the two of us?
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  Not with the kids or not extended family, just two of us
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  together. How do we plan these outings?
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  How do we operationalize our time together so that we sort of
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  keep that flame lit between the two of us?
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  And again, I think, I think a lot of that is just a matter of
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  being intentional about the relationship.
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  And then the final bucket is finance.
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  And So what do we want to focus on with our careers?
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  Do we want to start a a business together that we've been talking
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  about for years? Do we want to be able to save
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  more money or pay down debt or try to take on a second job to
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  increase our income? What do we want to accomplish
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  together with our finances this next year that we can write down
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  some goals? So that's the second part of
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  this plan. The first one is create shared
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  values. The second one is across these
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  different buckets. How do we want to try to set
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  goals for ourselves? And so the third one is to be
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  able to pull this into a written plan.
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  And yes, I said written because I want you to write these down.
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  I think that's really important to have a written plan and you
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  might want to post this somewhere that you can look at
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  it and see it every day. Or to put this as reminders in
• 19:10
  your phone or a shared calendar together.
• 19:13
  Maybe you're going to create certain due dates for certain
• 19:16
  items and you all share a Google Calendar or something together.
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  I think that's a great idea, so you might consider that as a
• 19:23
  couple. But the last part is step three
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  is to put this into a written plan.
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  So if you go back to that spreadsheet I talked out talked
• 19:32
  about, then you can create a spreadsheet with five columns,
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  and. And each column you could have
• 19:41
  your category, your goals, your key tasks and end date and
• 19:47
  measure results. And then in each one of those
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  buckets that I've talked about, spiritual, personal growth,
• 19:54
  fitness, friends, family, romance, and finance, you can
• 19:59
  simply list goals in the goal column that you've set for
• 20:03
  yourself in each one of these buckets.
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  Then what you're going to want to do is you're really going to
• 20:08
  want to operationalize these goals.
• 20:10
  How do we know we're moving in the right direction as a couple?
• 20:14
  Are we going to set a date night once a month for us?
• 20:17
  If so, that would need to be a key task.
• 20:20
  OK, Who's going to play in the first date night?
• 20:22
  Maybe you switch off each month. And so the first month you're
• 20:26
  going to take in January and you are going to schedule something
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  and you're going to schedule the date and you're going to make it
• 20:33
  happen. And then you're going to tell
• 20:35
  your partner when that date is and what you all are doing.
• 20:38
  Or if it's a surprise, you can surprise them for sure, but
• 20:41
  you're going to take the initiative.
• 20:42
  Then the next month, maybe the other partner takes the
• 20:44
  initiative, but you get the idea.
• 20:46
  You want real tangible tasks tied to each one of these goals,
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  then you want an end date. So if you're creating dates, the
• 20:55
  end date would be by December 31st.
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  We will have wanted to go on 12 dates this year.
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  And of course whatever these look like, you can feel free to
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  personalize these by all means. And then you know how do we
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  measure our results? Or we measure our results?
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  By being able to track, by reminding each other, by putting
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  up the plan in a visible place where we're going to see it each
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  day or each month. And so that's how we can keep
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  track of our goals as we move along.
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  So I think this is really important as we head into the
• 21:32
  New Year that as a couple the foundation that we set.
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  So much of it has to do with us being intentional, so much of it
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  has to do with us being planned and for us being able to create
• 21:47
  that dialogue around what we want to accomplish.
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  So just like we might make individual goals and just like
• 21:54
  organizations set goals and and achievable metrics heading into
• 21:58
  any new year, I think we can accomplish the same thing as a
• 22:02
  couple so that we can be on the same page and we're working as a
• 22:06
  team towards these achievable goals.
• 22:11
  Thank you so much for listening as always.
• 22:13
  I really appreciate the feedback you're giving.
• 22:15
  I encourage you to write me. Let me know what you like about
• 22:19
  these podcasts, what you don't like, if you want to hear
• 22:21
  anything different, If you need further help with anything that
• 22:25
  I'm talking about in this podcast, feel free to reach out.
• 22:28
  I'd love to schedule a coaching call with you to help you on
• 22:32
  your way as a couple. Thank you so much and we'll talk
• 22:35
  to you next time. Thank you for listening to
• 22:39
  Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
• 22:42
  attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
• 22:45
  Instagram, or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
• 22:50
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