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How can we talk openly about intimacy needs? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: So when talking about intimacy needs with a partner, it can obviously be quite difficult because it's quite a personal and a vulnerable thing.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I would advise as a counsellor to try and choose a time when you're both relaxed and unlikely to be interrupted.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Avoid bringing it up during an argument or out of frustration or where one of you is feeling stressed or tired.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can start the conversation by framing your own feelings rather than blame.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a good open communication strategy in general.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: For example, you can centre your own feelings and say things like, I've been feeling like we've become less close recently, and I miss the connection that we used to have.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: So that sort of puts across how you feel and how you want to feel without your partner feeling blamed and getting defensive.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Be honest about what intimacy means to you.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: It can include affection, emotional closeness, quality time, and feeling valued.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: You might ask, how have you been feeling about our relationship?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And has there been anything that's making it difficult for us to feel close?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Give your partner time to respond and try to listen without interrupting.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: They may have feelings or concerns that they haven't shared before.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you don't agree with everything they say, acknowledging their perspective can help keep the conversation calm and respectful.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Try avoiding accusations and accusatory language as these can make each other feel defensive.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, focus on working together by saying things like, I'd like to find ways for us to feel close again.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: What would work for you?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And remember that one conversation is unlikely to solve everything.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Rebuilding intimacy often takes time, patience, and ongoing communication, and a lack of intimacy can be caused by life stressors that can accumulate over time.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: So a part of working through those can be crucial to building intimacy again.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you're both finding it difficult to talk about your issues on your own and require a more neutral space, seeking support from a counsellor can provide a safe neutral space together, and it's not about the therapist taking sides, they will facilitate your conversation and help you build together what works for you.