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Am I Broken? · Trauma Free Relationship

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I want to talk about a sensitive subject today and try to open
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this just a little bit and allow a little bit of space for us to
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explore the idea of brokenness. And often times I will have
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couples or even individuals come to me and they'll come in and
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plop down on my couch and they may say something to the effect
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of I'm broken. You've got to fix me.
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There's something wrong. I'm defective.
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I'm. There's something amiss inside
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of me. And what I think they're trying
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to communicate is this idea that for whatever reasons they don't
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understand. They're finding themselves in
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situations that they're repeating or self sabotaging or
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falling in love with the same kind of person over and over.
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And they began to put this pattern together and recognize
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that it may not always be the other person.
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That the maybe there's something inside of me that's not quite
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right. And so they'll say something
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like I'm unworthy of love or I'm defective or I'm broken, as the
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title would suggest. It just breaks my heart every
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time I hear this, I I just feel so much for them.
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And so I want to explore that today, because underlining this
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sense of brokenness, this sense of needing repair deep down is
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the idea of shame. And So what is shame?
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What does it look like in us? What does it look like in our
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relationships? That's what we're going to
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explore. That's what we're going to talk
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about next. And we're going to answer the
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question. Am I broken?
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Welcome to Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast that
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provides support and guidance to help heal the wounds of
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attachment trauma. Whether you find yourself
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struggling with unresolved issues in the past or have
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experienced trauma in your current relationship, our goal
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is to provide accurate, scientifically informed
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information as well as the tools to help you create a secure
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connection between you and your partner.
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And here's your host, Tom Philip.
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OK, let's dive in. First of all, the role of shame
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and trauma is significant. Often times, especially with
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with trauma that is ongoing, repeated types of trauma as
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opposed to acute or one time trauma like say a car accident.
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Shame is very much a part of it and shame is a part of it.
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Because as a child or a young person, when something is
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repeatedly happening to us, we don't have the intellectual
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capabilities to look at that situation and go, wow, my
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parents, they're kind of messed up.
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Or jeez, the adults in my life, they, they can't handle this
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emotion in me. And it's really they're failing,
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not mine. A child doesn't do that.
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A child says, well, if I keep getting in trouble for this, if
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I keep getting ignored, neglected, shut down, if nobody
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in my life can show up and mirror this for me, then it must
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be me. And that's really what shame is
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about. Shame is a negative story that
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we tell ourselves about ourselves.
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It's an internalized experience or or set of experiences that
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ultimately result in a negative self concept.
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That's simply what shame is. So when we begin feeling shame,
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we also call it lower self esteem, although sometimes they
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can be a little bit different. But the idea behind shame is
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that we have a negative story we're telling ourselves.
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Those folks at the opening that I mentioned that come in and sit
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down on the couch and saying I'm broken.
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What they're saying to me is that there are times, or I'm
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living with this intense shame that tells me I'm unworthy of
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love, that I'm broken, and that I am bad as a person.
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So that's ultimately what shame is.
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It is it is a negative self concept.
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It is an internalization of multiple experiences that
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results in a story we're telling ourselves about us.
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That's usually a very negative story.
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Shame is created, as I alluded to a few minutes ago, through
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interpersonal or attachment trauma, and it's often, as I
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said, very common with repeated types of injuries.
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These are often unavoidable situations, situations that the
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child can't control. Parents that are unable to
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tolerate certain emotions, maybe because of their own traumas,
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they're dealing with situational, unavoidable
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situations like abandonment and rejection.
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Certainly sexual, physical, verbal abuse, humiliation,
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especially in the form of punishments.
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I I'm not going to go into that today, but I've heard so many
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stories of adults sitting on on my couch in the relationships
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with their partner and they get triggered because it brings up
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or evokes memories of how they were punished in a shaming and
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humiliating way when they were a child.
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I've seen them try to protect that sense of shame through
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laughing it off, through minimizing it, thinking, well,
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it wasn't as bad as it was. But hearing those stories, I'm
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just horrified and my heart just aches for these individuals that
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had to go through that experience because it never
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should have happened. Humiliation should never be a
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form of punishment of any kind. And so let me take a moment,
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too, as we transition, so that now we have a better
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understanding of what shame is. It's born often of trauma.
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It's born often out of our early, unavoidable relationships
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with our parents. And I want to distinguish from a
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couple of different things, shame versus anxiety.
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Shame is not the same as anxiety.
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Anxiety is a dangerous signal, either to ourselves or to our
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relationship. So anxiety comes up because it's
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signaling. That's that we're in danger of
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either getting close to an emotion that we are not
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comfortable with, a vulnerable emotion, an emotion that was not
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allowed and reflected and mirrored to us so that it's a
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part of who we are, but rather an emotion that feels warded off
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and dangerous. So that's one thing anxiety
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does, is it signals that we are heading into a territory within
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ourselves that is dangerous, that makes us feel very
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vulnerable and weak. Or secondly, anxiety comes up
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that there's danger in the relationship.
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We are in fear of having a large rupture or disillusion of our
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relationship. So shame is not the same as
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anxiety. Anxiety is different.
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Shame in in one's relationship is about one's identity.
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That I am unacceptable to my partner, That who I am as a
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person is unacceptable is not allowed in this relationship.
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That's more what the shame signal is trying to send us,
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which is inherently different than the anxiety signal.
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The other thing I really want to clarify is shame versus guilt.
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Shame is not the same as guilt, and often times in our culture
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we will lump these together, but really they're quite separate
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and we need to talk about them and understand them separately
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as well. Guilt is I've done something
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wrong. I've harmed somebody and I feel
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guilt over that, which moves me to then go and try to repair
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what was done to that person. When I was a little kid.
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I got in trouble one time because I was not allowed to
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have people over at the house, and as a result, I did allow
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somebody to come over. But I made-up a big story about
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it so that I wouldn't get in trouble with my parents.
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And what I didn't know was my parents ended up calling this
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close family members parents and telling them that this whole
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elaborate story I had made-up, well, I had to confess and admit
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that I had lied. And then I had to call that
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family member and confess that I had lied and apologize to them.
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And so I did that 'cause I felt terrible guilt.
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So guilt moved me to try to fix things in that sense.
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But shame is not about I did bad, Shame is I am bad.
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And so there's a significant difference.
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Shame is about the self. It's not about a behavior that I
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did that I dislike, but rather that I as a person and bad.
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So guilt is I did bad, Shame is I am bad.
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And so a couple really important distinctions I think to make is
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shame is not anxiety, It's sending us a different signal.
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And shame is not guilt. It's not about the behavior.
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It is about who we are as a person.
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OK, let's transition for a moment and let's talk about the
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messages of shame. And I've touched on this a
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little bit already. So shame is feeling a sense of
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helplessness. It's telling yourself you're a
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loser, you're defective. Shame shows up in a sense of I'm
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broken, There's something wrong with me.
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Maybe if you've had sexual trauma, there's something wrong
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with me sexually. I'm broken in that area of my
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relationship and myself. I'm weak, I'm incompetent or I'm
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stupid. And so anytime shame shows up,
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it's really important to understand what is the message
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that I'm sending myself right now.
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What's the story I'm telling myself about this sense of
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shame? And when shame does show up, it
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comes with certain facial expressions and with certain
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feelings inside our body. Often times, you will have your
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eyes averted downward and your head will move down in a very
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shaming type of pose. That's often times when we can
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recognize that we're feeling a sense of shame, as if we're
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trying to hide ourselves from others, especially if we feel
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like there's judgmental eyes of others upon us.
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And so when, when we avert our gaze, when we look down, when we
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sense a a terrible humiliation, like we're being exposed, almost
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like we're standing naked in a public square, That would be a
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sense of a feeling of shame where we just have this intense
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sensation from head to toe in our body that we are fully
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exposed and that we are being judged and humiliated by others.
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And so often times when that signal comes to us, the message
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then comes along with I'm defective, I'm broken, I'm a
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loser. And, and I think it's really
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important to understand that shame is really the feeling that
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we are bad, broken or unworthy, or of love.
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We are bad, broken, or unworthy of love.
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And that is a terrible, terrible place to be, in part because it
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is a huge barrier to couples in their intimacy.
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It's hard to feel connected to another human being if what
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you're actually feeling is a sense of defectiveness, a sense
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of brokenness, a sense of I'm unworthy of love, there's
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something wrong with me. Someone Like You could never
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love somebody like me. And so shame is a huge barrier
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to intimacy in couples. Not just physical intimacy, but
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just emotional connection, secure attachment.
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It is a huge barrier to that. And when shame is not dealt
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with, it often disrupts our relationships, because our
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protection against shame can show up as rage, it can show up
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as dominance and it can show up as control in our relationships,
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which looks very opposite of what I was saying earlier, which
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is the physiological response to shame is averted.
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Eyes head down, feeling of humiliation.
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But when we begin to feel that, that is because we're able to
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hold on to that shame long enough to allow that response to
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come through our body. But when we move away from that,
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when we move into our protective strategies or or erect defenses
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against shame, then we move away from that feeling and it often
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shows up as rage, dominance and control.
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We often talk about narcissism and shame and narcissism are
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closely related. They go hand in hand.
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You might say they're two sides of the same coin in the sense
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that underneath this, this exterior that is presented to
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the world as narcissists often do, this facade that they have
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erected to to combat the feelings of inferiority, to
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combat the feelings of being weak and being broken or being
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incompetent. So they have covered it with the
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facade of look at me, I'm the best, I'm the brightest, stay
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focused on me, I need to be the smartest person in the room, so
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on and so forth. And this constant need for
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attention or as covert narcissism is, we end up just
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making most things about us, right?
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So maybe it's not this, this I need constant attention.
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I'm going to walk into the room and I'm going to perform a
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cartwheel and everyone's going to look at me and oh about how
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wonderful I am. There's also a covert narcissism
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that is really where it's much more subtle in the relationship
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and much more subtle in interactions with our partners,
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where it ends up being that most things are about us.
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So covert narcissism might look like you coming to your partner
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because you're feeling sad. Maybe you want to discuss
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something that happened in the relationship that made you sad.
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And what ends up happening is your partner ends up making that
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about them because they can't tolerate and focus on your
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sadness, so it has to be about their feelings instead.
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And so we often see this rage, dominance, and sense of control
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as a as a protection against feelings of shame.
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When we think about the rage, it's it's not hard to imagine
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that at all. When people move into shame,
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they want to attack. They want to move as far away
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from that feeling. So it's a lot easier to rage
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over something when they feel out of control and they feel
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helpless and shame emerges to remind them that they're not in
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control of everything, but they are not allowed to not be in
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control. They've never allowed themselves
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to fail at something or to not have all the answers, and so
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they will rage at others in an attempt to try to regain that
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control and not lose face in that situation.
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And then when we talk about cycles in relationships, we
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certainly talk about a cycle of dominance and control, which is
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much more about identity cycles than necessarily attachment
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cycles. They're a little bit different,
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but identity cycles can take on a dominance and submissive type
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of cycle where one person's shame tends to try to dominate
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the the interactions and dominate them in a sense that
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their version of reality must be acknowledged and must be
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accepted more so than their partner's version of reality
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because they can't tolerate be due to their shame.
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The the idea that that that there's multiple realities or
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that that that an event could have multiple viewpoints.
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Instead they have to try to dominate or control that so that
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again they look and feel like they are asserting themselves
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and their dominance and they're maintaining that facade that
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they've erected for themselves. So shame, as I hopefully I'm
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demonstrating here, has a huge barrier to connection with
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couples because of the way it can show up and because of the
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protections that we put in place when we feel ashamed.
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Let's break this down a little bit into anxious attachment and
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shame versus avoidant attachment and shame.
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So when we talk about shame and anxious attachment, they're very
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much are those feelings of I'm bad, I'm defective, and I'm
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unworthy of love. And often time that shame will
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activate the attachment strategy of pushing and and pulling and
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turning up the heat and increasing pressure on the
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partner to get that reassurance that they so desperately need.
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In the extreme form of it, it often looks like merger.
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I want to merge with my partner. I want to be one.
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I want there to be no line, no boundary of separation between
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what they think and feel and between what I think and feel.
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Because only then will I truly feel worthy and will I truly
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feel accepted if I just completely merge myself.
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So in the extreme sense of anxious attachment, individuals
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will try to almost be one and have 0 boundaries between them
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and their partner. Because that sense of shame and
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effectiveness is is so at the surface it's so easily triggered
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and they're living with that day in and day out and so they when
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they feel a threat in the relationship.
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Again a a shame signal that I'm unworthy of love or I'm
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defective and and it can be a signal that has absolutely
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nothing to do with sending that message.
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But that's how they internalize that.
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So a partner might just roll their eyes at something the
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anxious attachment person says and that would be enough to
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trigger this feeling of defectiveness.
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And so now they're going to up regulate their whole Physiology
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is going to move into fight or flight and they are going to
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immediately try to repair that. Understand what that meant and
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get reassurance from their partner.
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So shame it is quite prevalent in anxious attachment.
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It doesn't mean it's the only feeling.
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Obviously anxiety plays a part of that, as the title of anxious
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attachment indicates. But shame is certainly a part of
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anxious attachment as well. So what does shame look like in
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avoidant attachment? Well, often times shame is very
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prevalent in avoidant attachment, but we don't often
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see it because by the sheer fact of avoiding attachment
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strategies, it means they try to deactivate their attachment
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strategy in in order to cope with that emotion that feels
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vulnerable and weak to them. So we don't often see avoiding
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attachments. Shame show up very often because
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they've deactivated their attachment needs, so they are
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totally OK being self reliant, autonomous, depending on
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themselves. And as I've mentioned in other
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podcasts, especially the one on avoid an attachment style,
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right, They're an island under themselves and they are
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perfectly fine with that, at least for a time being.
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Our attachment needs never go away.
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It's it's deep in our DNA and and we never not long for
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somebody to attach to. So it's still there but it is
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under layers and layers of protection.
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So the avoidant attachment style, when their shame shows
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up, they often use deactivating strategies and they down
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regulate. So they move away or
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disassociate that feeling because it reminds them of
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vulnerability and a sense of weakness.
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Anxious attachment style tells stories such as I'm bad, I'm
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defective. Avoidant attachment styles tell
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themselves stories of I can't ever get it right, I'm never
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going to be good enough, I'm never going to measure up.
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And so their stories send a little bit different message to
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them than anxious attachment styles do.
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And often they down regulate, they downplay, they turn off or
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lower their Physiology as opposed to up regulate meaning
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move into fight or flight. And finally shame plays a big
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role in disorganized attachment as well.
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And as I've said, we don't often see a lot of disorganized
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attachment. It's it's really less than 1% of
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the general population. But occasionally it does show up
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and this is especially damaging for people that have a
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disorganized attachment style because shame it it plays a huge
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role in how they try to protect and then also seek reassurance
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from this feeling. So disorganized attachment style
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shame shows up and they hyperactor attachment needs.
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So they in that moment, they need very much to be reassured,
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but then they'll also immediately down, activate and
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move away from their attachment needs because it's too painful
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and vulnerable. So they are caught in the worst
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kind of paradox. They are caught in in a
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Physiology that doesn't know what to do, doesn't have any
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particular style or strategy, and so they bounce back and
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forth between needing to be reassured and deactivating and
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moving away from the feelings of shame and ultimately this idea
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of being defective. And so they will often times
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create a facade for themselves that will bury deep, deep down
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feelings of shame, as I mentioned before, say in
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's also
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prevalent in Borderline Personality Disorder as well.
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So that's a little bit about how shame shows up in anxious,
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avoidant and disorganized attachment styles.
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As we head into talking a little bit about, OK, well, now that we
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know what shame is, now we can recognize it.
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We got a general feeling of what how it shows up in our body, how
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it shows up in our relationship. Before I jump right into what,
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what do we do with this feeling of shame?
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How do we start working on it and and recognizing it and
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recognize the triggers of it? I want to point out that
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inherently, well, I want to point out that there is an
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inherent conflict in shame. Shame, by its very nature, wants
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to make us hide. And yet the antidote for shame,
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and yet the ability to heal and move through it and replace it
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with a sense of healthy self esteem and healthy pride forces
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us to then expose that sense of shame.
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So there's a there's an inherent conflict here that I recognize
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all too well when my own shame comes up for me.
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Areas where I feel like I don't measure up.
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I want to run away. I want to hide, and I want to
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shut down. And as an avoidant attachment
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style boy, I'm really good at that.
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But what I also recognize is that there's an inherent risk in
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showing up and being seen and heard and understood.
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So I want to point out that that I understand this conflict all
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too well. And I understand what I'm asking
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everybody, including myself, to do in order to be able to heal
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that shame. Because connection is the
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healing of shame. Connecting to ourselves, the
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healthy part of ourselves, and having a safe, secure connection
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to others is in large part how we heal that shame.
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So shame involves an inherent risk.
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In order to heal it, we have to take that risk of showing up and
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being seen and heard and understood, in spite of the fact
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that shame itself wants to make us hide, it wants to make us
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move away and not be exposed. So there therein lies the rub
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with shame is that in order to heal it and get better, we must
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force ourselves in the appropriate way, in the
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appropriate context, with the appropriate people, to try to
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show up and be seen and heard and understood by them.
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So that can be mirrored and it can be seen, and it can be
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attuned to and it can be healed. In that sense, because it's only
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through those interactions where we are seen and heard and
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understood that we begin to change our stories from I am
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defective, I am weak, I am wrong, I am bad as a person to I
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am another human being that deserves love, and I am worthy
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of love. So healing involves integrating
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a course of connecting to your core self so that you can build
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a positive self-image, a secure self-image when you're in
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yourself, and also learning to be able to regulate your
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emotions better so that we don't act in, we don't punish
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ourselves for little mistakes, but we also don't act out.
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We don't rage or try to control. We have more tolerance for
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others as well, so that through that we are working to cultivate
28:07
those healthy, secure relationships along with a
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healthy connection. Another way that's really
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important for us to be able to heal that shame is through self
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compassion. It's OK when you get triggered
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and that shame comes up for you to be able to hold on to that
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long enough, to recognize it, long enough to allow that wave
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of emotion to rise up, hit its peak, and then begin to
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dissipate that. That is an important process of
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being able to tolerate that sense of shame and being able to
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tell yourself, OK, I know what this feeling is.
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Let me breathe through this. It's OK to feel this right now.
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I recognize the messages I'm sending myself, and as a result
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I'm going to breathe through and allow this to dissipate a little
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bit before I act on it. Before I act in and I punish
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myself or self sabotage, or before I act out and I I fly
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into a rage or I try to dominate or control my environment.
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So self compassion is really, really important in being able
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to understand and heal that sense of shame that we so often
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feel and carry with ourselves. And then focusing on the
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behavior, not you as a person is really important as as
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well-being able to recognize, OK, I didn't like what I did
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there, I let myself down, is actually a healthy form of
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shame. Most of what we've spoken about
29:51
today is unhealthy or toxic shame.
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But shame in small doses, in in the right context where it's
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understood is can be a healthy form of shame.
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A healthy form of shame says, You know what?
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I let myself down. I didn't try as hard, or I
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didn't perform in a way that I thought was my best.
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And so I'm going to go back to the drawing board.
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I can do better. I can.
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I can use this feeling to start progressing towards a better
30:26
sense of myself. And so when we have that kind of
30:30
a sense of shame, it can be motivating for us.
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Often times I will tell couples, especially if I'm working for
30:38
that with them over an affair. The the individual that had the
30:43
affair. I will, I will tell them this
30:46
does not get to define you as a person.
30:50
We can focus in on the behavior. No question that was this was a
30:54
poor choice. You probably feel ashamed of
30:58
other choice you made. But this does not get to define
31:01
you as a person. You can move past this, you can
31:05
heal this, You can begin become the kind of person you want to
31:09
be that doesn't make this choice again.
31:12
And so focusing on the behavior and not the signals, that's
31:16
telling you who you are as a whole is really important.
31:21
And then lastly, I think in terms of being able to heal our
31:25
shame is emphasizing the positive things that you do and
31:30
owning those and not just the negatives.
31:33
Because part of what shame the emotion does is it wants to
31:37
narrow our focus to everything we've ever done wrong in our
31:41
entire life. It wants to generalize, and it
31:45
only wants to focus in on those aspects of ourselves and our
31:50
behavior that that was failing, that didn't measure up to our
31:57
expectations or the expectations of others, of important others
32:02
in our lives. And but there's.
32:04
But it does so at the exclusion of all the things that we do,
32:09
right. And so I I tell people often,
32:12
look, if you're going to, if you're going to punish yourself
32:14
for something you did wrong, then you've got to have pride in
32:18
and take credit for the things that you do right to.
32:22
You can't have it both ways. You can't only own and accept
32:25
what you do wrong to the exclusion of all the things you
32:28
do right or vice versa. Only focus in on the things you
32:33
do right to the exclusion of anything you do wrong, which is
32:37
often what narcissism does. You have to be able to own both
32:41
truths about yourself and hold them in tandem, hold them
32:46
together. Healthy self esteem is being
32:49
able to say I'm not perfect, I can do better and each day I get
32:54
up and I try to the best of my ability.
32:58
Sometimes I fail, but sometimes I also get it right.
33:03
Sometimes I fail, but sometimes I also get it right.
33:08
That is a healthy sense of self esteem, a healthy identity, and
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one that I hope you continue to work towards as you work your
33:19
way through shame and trauma reactions in your own life and
33:24
in your own relationships. I want to say one final thing,
33:28
because I think it's really important to be said, especially
33:33
in light of what we've talked about here today, because I know
33:35
this is a really sensitive subject.
33:37
Talking about shame is not fun. It's not popular.
33:41
It's starting to have a little more discourse in our culture,
33:44
in our society, but I don't think it's really focused on the
33:48
way it should be. So I want you to know this
33:51
before we in our podcast today. You are not bad, broken or
33:57
damaged beyond repair. There are no permanent marks on
34:02
your identity, and you are not too much for others.
34:07
You are someone who is brave, someone who is strong, and
34:11
someone who is resilient. You are someone who's been hurt,
34:15
but despite those hurts, you have the fortitude to carry on.
34:20
You continue to March courageously into a better
34:23
future for yourself, and you deserve to be seen through the
34:27
eyes of hope and growth. And I say this to you not only
34:32
because I absolutely, 100% believe that, but I say this to
34:36
you because I want to be seen the same way as well.
34:41
I want to know that I am seen as someone who is courageously
34:45
moving forward despite my flaws, despite my failings, despite my
34:52
hurts and the areas inside me that I feel broken and damaged
34:57
as well. Thank you for listening and
35:01
we'll talk to you next time. Thank you for listening to
35:04
Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
35:07
attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
35:09
Instagram, or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
35:14
Be sure to look for our next episode on your favorite
35:16
streaming service.