Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Chasing Moxie

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The Fifth Hour: Chasing Moxie · The Ben Maller Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kaboom!
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, 1,200 minutes a
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: week was enough.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Think again.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: He's the last remnants of the old republic, a sole
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: bastion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: The clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: In the air everywhere, the Fifth Hour with me, Ben Maller,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: and you. We are side by side on a very
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: spooky edition of the Fifth Hour. In fact, we're doing
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: this not by candlelight, but I am holding a candelabra,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: just like at the Haunted Mansion. So try not to
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: be scared. Although it is a great day for zombies
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and boogeymen and demons and things that go bump in
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: the night. as today is the day, the big one, Halloween.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: What a great holiday. A holiday that has been hijacked
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: by you women. I'm not complaining. I don't know anyone
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: that is. When I was a kid, it was sweet
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: and innocent Halloween. You dressed up as a dog or
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: a bunny or whatever, and now it's how can we
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: make the thing that is not sexy... Really hot. And
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: no one I know complaining about that, right? There's a
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: race between the women to put on the hottest outfit.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Who complains about this, Mike? But what a great holiday. Costumes, candy,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: haunted houses, jack-o'-lanterns, and a lot of pumpkin spice latte
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: on the menu everywhere you go. It's great. The evening
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: before All Saints Day, also known as All Hallows' Eve.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: All Hallows' Eve is National Caramel Apple Day today. Another
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: thing that you don't eat outside of Halloween is the
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: caramel apple. You don't. It is National Knock Knock Day today.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: So have a good time with that. You can't really
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: do that much these days because you might get shot.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: And that was back in my day. We ding-dong ditched.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: We didn't knock-knock and do a joke. We ding-dong ditched,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: and that was our thing. We talked about in a
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: previous episode of the Fifth Hour podcast, the original jack-o'-lanterns
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: were not pumpkins. It's wild because even the pumpkin, like
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: you look at the pumpkin emoji, it's... It's synonymous with Halloween,
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: like around the world. It's like that's what Halloween is,
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: the pumpkin with the face carved out of it. But
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: as we mentioned, people in Ireland and Scotland carved turnips
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: and other root vegetables, and that was what they did
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: for Halloween. And then when people made the pilgrimage to America,
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: pumpkin was here, and so that became a popular thing
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: in North America. It is the biggest... Day for candy today.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: This is where Snickers and the Musketeers bars and the
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: Baby Ruth and the Butterfinger, they sell more candy. And
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: those miniature candies than any other time. Any other time.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: So there you go. And the word witch, I looked
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: this up. It comes from the old English words associated
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: with witchcraft and sorcery. So there is that. There's a
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: bunch of fun facts about Halloween. bunch of fun facts.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Spider webs are actually stronger than they look. They are.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: What else do we have? I mean, there's black cats.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: We're not always considered unluckily. I think we talked about
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: this a couple of years ago on the podcast. In
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: some cultures, they were symbols of prosperity and good fortune.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: It is wild. Things that are The same and then
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: completely different. In Russia, getting a bird to poop on
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: you is good luck. In America, not good luck. Not
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: good luck. So some of the events that happened on
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: this date in the history of the world, the legendary
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: George Hallis, Papa Bear, the founder of the Chicago Bears,
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: died on this date in 1983. He was 88 years old.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: They still practice, I believe, the Bears at Hallis Hall
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: in Chicago. Do you know who Earl Lloyd is? Are
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: you familiar with the name Earl Lloyd? No? You don't
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: know who Earl Lloyd is? He became famous in 1950. Yeah,
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: that's a long time ago, 76 years ago. Earl Lloyd,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: what did he do that changed a sport And to
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: this day has had major influence on that sport and
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: many other sports as well. In 1950, Earl Lloyd broke
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: the color barrier in the NBA.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: He became the first black player to appear in an
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: NBA regular season game. Doesn't get nearly the attention. Jackie Robinson, right?
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: You think about you got to be the first. You
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: got to be the first. And Jackie Robinson was the first.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: And Earl Lloyd was not the first. So you don't
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: remember number two. We talked yesterday about the second president,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: John Adams. You don't remember the second. You remember the first.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: But Earl Lloyd was the man that broke the color
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: barrier back in the day. Mount Rushmore was completed on
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: this date in 1941. Spent 14 years. 14 years. Today
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: it would take 44 years to build Mount Rushmore. I
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: have not been. I need to get to Mount Rushmore
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: at some point. The four American presidents. Now, I have
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: heard it does not look that big when you're there.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: It looks great on television, but it's a side of
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: a rock. It's a big thing. Who knows? What else
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: do we have? Today is the anniversary of the state
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: of Nevada. The state of Nevada was born. You say Nevada.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: I say Nevada. Anyway, it became the 36th state. It's
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: nicknamed the Battle Born State. because of its admission during
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: the Civil War, the Civil War going on in the 1860s,
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: and Nevada became a state. And the other factoid for
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: you on this date, 1926, a man whose last name
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: is synonymous with magic. His name became a thing, his
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: last name, the family surname, which was not his real
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: birth surname. Harry... Houdini. Houdini died on Halloween. The legendary
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: escape artist died at 52 from a ruptured appendix. Think
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: about that. He was just 52. He didn't live to
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: be in his 60s or 70s or 80s or 90s.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: 52 and Halloween this year marking the 100th anniversary. Of
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: the death of Harry Houdini, 100 years after this guy's gone.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: That's one, two, three, four, five generations, roughly. 20 years
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: a generation. Five times 20, 100. So five generations later,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: and still to this day, kids know what Houdini is.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: They know about Houdini. The Houdini. What else do we have?
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: We have someone named Violet Palmer. I actually remember when
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: this became a thing. 1997? She also made NBA history.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: She became the first woman to officiate an NBA game.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: There was a promising Hollywood actor named River Phoenix that
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: died on the Sunset Strip, if I remember correctly, on
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: this date. He was just a kid. He was in
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: his 20s. I think that was on the Sunset Strip
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: at a bar, nightclub place. And in 08, 18 years ago,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: a gentleman released Bitcoin to the world. Yeah, the first Bitcoin,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: white paper Bitcoin back in the day. It's Nick Saban's birthday.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Rob Schneider, the comedian. It would have been John Candy's
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: 76th birthday. He's been dead for a while. Dan Rather,
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: still alive. He's 95, still probably angry. Happy birthday to him.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: And all the rest, celebrating birthdays. But let's get to
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: the main event. The main event. Not Mr. Main Event,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: who we used to have back in the day. Let's
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: get right into it and not waste any more time.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: Because the meat of the matter, having spent a good
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: portion of my grown-up time watching professional athletes perform remarkable
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: feats of speed, strength, and agility, testing the boundaries of
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: the human body, none of them has surprised me quite
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: like my English bulldog, Moxie. Welcome to the meat and
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: potatoes of the Saturday pod, the Life of Malheur special.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: And you can get a doggy bag if you want. Yeah,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: why not? So until recently, I believe that Moxie's top
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: speed was approximately three miles an hour downhill with a
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: tailwind and a cheeseburger waiting at the finish line. And
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: then a neighborhood kid decided to walk past the Malheur
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Mansion and had a soccer ball. And all of a sudden,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Secretariat came back from the dead and out of retirement.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: There she was, galloping down the street like the Kentucky
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Derby had relocated from Churchill Downs to the Northwoods of
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Southern California. And there I was chasing my beloved Moxie
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: in clothes that suggested to the people in the neighborhood
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: that I had recently escaped either from a mental hospital
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: or a halfway house. The neighborhood was about to get
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: a free Comedy show. That's right. Unfortunately, it turns out
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: I was the headliner on the comedy show. So as
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I have waxed loquacious over the many years doing this podcast,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: a labor of love, I am a dog guy. Love dogs.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: Love dogs. Always had dogs. As a kid, my first
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: dog was Oliver. I had a dog named Corny. And
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I've had many, many dogs. We had Bella. We've had
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: Moxie recently. My dog, Moxie, is a wonderful dog, a
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: loyal companion, a beloved member of the Maller family. Her
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: primary household responsibilities include snoring, occasional flatulence on demand, and
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: she's able to position herself across my legs wherever I sit. Now,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: normally it's on the sofa, and whenever I'm trying to work,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: she's right there. And she doesn't move. It's very simple.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: The instruction manual says as long as you don't feed
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Moxie canned pumpkin, she's a good doggie. Mostly. I was
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: reminded of that distinction mostly during what began as an
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: innocent trip to the bathroom. Now, not my trip to
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: the powder room. I'm talking about Moxie. So just a
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: normal night, I was watching the World Series at home
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: before I drove into the mothership, getting ready for the
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: overnight show with Moxie serving as my research assistant. Now,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: her duties involved lying across my legs, occasionally snorting, She
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: might not like something. A bullet point I wrote, a
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: note for the monologue, she'll be, well, that's not going
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: to work. That guy in Utah is not going to
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: laugh at that, dude. And I'm like, okay, well, you
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: don't know what people in Utah are like. And she said, no, no,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: you've got to play to the Bible Belt. I said,
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: you know what, I play to everybody. And she has never,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: ever suggested a topic, contributed a useful statistic, helped me
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: prepare for the show. She's never improved the punchline. And
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: in that regard, She fits right in. She is more
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: than qualified to help out. And hell, she's qualified for
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: a management position in the broadcasting world. So at some point,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: nature called. Or at least I assumed nature was calling.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Moxie does not volunteer this information. She does not. So
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: getting Moxie to go outside requires a great amount of patience,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: normally reserved if you're an FBI hostage negotiator. People attempting
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: to cancel cable television back in the day. You don't
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: tell Moxie what to do because she's got Moxie. You
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: make suggestions. You present options. You hope the union approves,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: the doggy union. And eventually, after several minutes of gentle persuasion...
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Moxie wandered towards the front door. Our normal arrangement is
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: rather simple. We have a man-beast agreement. I walk her
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: to the door. I will open the door. She's unable
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: to open the door. Moxie will then waddle out like
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: a penguin. She will look around for a second. She
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: will then find the perfect spot to lean down and
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: conduct her business. And then she'll slowly... Turn around after
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: rubbing her legs like a bull in a bullfighting ring.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: She will then return. That's her way of celebrating. Moxie
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: will rub her feet like she's a, you know how
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: like a bull rubs their feet when they're ready for battle?
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: That's Moxie. She's a bulldog. And she'll return to the house. Well,
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: teamwork makes the dream work. It's a Netflix documentary on
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: the triumph of cooperation between man and beast. And so, okay,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: what could go wrong? Well, it turns out on this day,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: the master plan got twisted around. Everything went haywire. I'm
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: standing inside the house. Now, I'm wearing what I generously
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: describe as my casual inside attire. You know, there are
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: people who look very presentable, even when they're lounging around
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: the house. I'm not one of those people. I enjoy
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: the casual life. I look like a man who was disheveled,
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: had been awakened from a three-day nap behind a Greyhound
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: bus terminal, and I don't know how I got there.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Frazzled would be a word I would use. My hair
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: was a mess. My clothes were not the nicest clothes.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: I was dressed for an audience of zero. And that's
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: when Moxie saw the sign. Well, actually, it wasn't a sign.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: It was a soccer ball. And there were a couple
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: of kids walking down the street. A boy, I would say,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: was around 10, and his older sister, she was probably
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: around 13. Might have been younger because she was still nice,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: not an a-hole. And the boy was kicking a soccer ball.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: You know, just a perfectly ordinary scene in suburban America.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: Just the salt and earth of the country. Kids walking.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: It was late afternoon, sunshine. Birds were chirping. And suddenly...
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Moxie said, wait a minute. I am going to undergo
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: a metamorphosis. I am going to turn into Secretariat. I
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: cannot adequately explain the transformation. I didn't see it happen.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I just witnessed the after effect. The same dog who
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: is too lazy to even turn her head when we
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: enter the room. If you're lucky, you get some side eye.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: This dog who takes 45 seconds to turn around on
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: the carpet was suddenly accelerating like it had stolen a Ferrari,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: the dog, and was trying to get away from the cops.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: I didn't know she had that gear. Apparently, neither did she.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: Something deep in that prehistoric canine brain, in her DNA,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: had been activated. No scientists have studied this over the years.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: A bulldog can ignore a human voice, a ringing doorbell,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: the sound of a refrigerator opening... But introduce a soccer
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: ball into the arithmetic, and suddenly this animal has the
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: reflexes of a seasoned Navy SEAL. And so I'm like, Moxie, stop. Nothing. Moxie,
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: bad dog. No response. She was locked in. She had
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: laser-like focus. I might as well have been shouting instructions
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: at a passing freight train. I would have had better
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: luck getting the train to stop. At least the people
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: on the train, like the hobos in the back, would
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: be like, oh, Mallory, there's Mallory again. Now, before the
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: animal lovers start sending me angry emails at realfifthouratgmail.com, realfifthouratgmail.com,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: I should explain that this was actually frightening. Moxie ran
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: towards the street, and she did not look both ways.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: For a brief moment, A terrible moment. I, in my head,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, my God. She is going to, well,
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: you know what I thought was going to happen. Now, fortunately,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: there were no cars coming. It was rather quiet. The
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: streets were clear. And the only immediate danger was to
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: my reputation. Moxie reached the kid, the boy, who quickly
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: recognized that he had something the Bulldog wanted. So he
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: picked up the soccer ball, which is a sound thing.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: tactical decision. Unfortunately, the boy apparently had an allergy to dogs.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: That complicated things, not wanting to get too close to Moxie.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: He tossed the soccer ball to his older sister. And
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: I do admire the young lad's instincts. And when faced
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: with danger, you immediately transfer the danger to your older sister.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: I did it to my older brother. I didn't have
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: a sister. You give it to a family member. It
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: is a strategy that has served politicians well for many generations.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: The sister caught the ball and held it above her head.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: And Moxie began jumping. And I began running. I kept running.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: And the boy wisely maintained his distance. And suddenly... What
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: had been a peaceful neighborhood afternoon turned into a low-budget
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: vaudevillian comedy, a Three Stooges thing. Imagine a slightly disheveled
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: middle-aged or older man in his around-the-house clothes chasing an
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: English bulldog while a roughly tween teenage girl is holding
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: a soccer ball over her head. And a younger boy
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: watches from a safe distance because of a dog allergy.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: All you need to do is add the Benny Hill
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: circus music. That's all you have to do. Just add
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: the circus music, the Benny Hill music. You're good. So
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: you've got the picture. Now, the sister, I was like, oh,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: this girl's going to freak out because I have a
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: niece who gets freaked out by Moxie and my niece, Eloise.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: She gets freaked out. No, no. This girl was like
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: totally cool. She was delighted. She was like, oh, my God.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: She was on cloud nine. She wasn't frightened by Moxie.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: She was fascinated. She's like, what's her name? I said,
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: her name's Moxie. Can I pet her? Yeah, be careful.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: She can pet her. And she really wants that ball. Yeah,
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: she loves balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I was like, well,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: why don't I grab her first before you pet her?
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: And the girl's, oh, she's so cute. I'm like, yeah, yeah,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: she's very cute. And then she was worried about getting bitten.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: I said, don't worry. She's got like three teeth left.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: You don't have to worry about that. She doesn't really bite.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: She'll bite the ball, but she won't bite you. She'll
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: bite the ball. And she's really sweet. She loves people.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: And here's where I discovered something interesting about human nature.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: People see the same situation very differently. I saw a
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: runaway dog, a liability as a possibility, and a deteriorating
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: situation that That kid, the girl, she saw this adorable bulldog.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: And Moxie, Moxie saw the World Cup trophy. The boy
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: saw an allergy problem. He was like, I don't want
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: to get near that. And everyone was operating from a
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: different perspective. And nobody was reading mine. I tried to
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: explain that I needed to get control of Moxie before
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: we could begin the petting portion of the program because
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I realized after I initially said, yeah, pet the dog,
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: I realized, well, that's not a good idea. So the
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: girl was still very enthusiastic. Moxie remained obsessed. I remained
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: a man whose authority was being openly challenged by an
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: animal with a face resembling a collapsed accordion. My beloved Moxie.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: This is the hidden humiliation of dog ownership. Spent enormous
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: amounts of time convincing ourselves that we're in charge. We're
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: the boss. Buy the food. Take the dog to get groomed,
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: to the veterinarian, to provide the shelter. give toys, all
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: that stuff. And then one random afternoon, a soccer ball
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: appears in the peripheral vision of said dog, and the
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: entire chain of command collapses. I was no longer Moxie's owner.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I was her unpaid equipment manager. Meanwhile, Moxie continued to
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: make repeated attempts to acquire said soccer ball, have not
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: seen anyone work that hard for possession of the soccer
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: ball since Lionel Messi. And although Messi has the advantage
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: of being able to breathe through his nose, unlike Moxie,
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: who was snorting and jumping and gyrating and spinning and
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: generally behaving like a creature auditioning for a position with
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: the Argentine national team. So I attempted several times to
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: pick her up. This is easier said than done. An
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: English Bulldog is essentially a bowling ball covered in loose skin.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: There are no convenient handles. It's not like picking up
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: a suitcase or a duffel bag or any of that stuff.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: And when the bowling ball doesn't want to be lifted,
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: the problem becomes considerably more challenging. So Moxie's squirming. She's
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: focused on the ball. She's, leave me alone. I don't
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: want you. I want my ball. So I adjusted my grip.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: She twisted. I stumbled. At one point in this whole exercise,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I felt like a contestant in one of those county
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: fair competitions that happen in the summertime where you're chasing
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: a greased pig. Except the pig was my dog and
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: the audience consisted of two neighborhood children who I had
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: never met and will likely never see again. And there
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: was no blue ribbon waiting at the finish line. And
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: I wondered what those kids were thinking. I'm the old
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: guy for them. The girl probably thought Moxie was adorable
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: because she kept saying that. The boy probably wondered. what
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: the hell was that, and do I have allergy medication
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: at home? Do I need to tell my mom about that?
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: But both likely wondered why this large, port-bellied dog was
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: running around, and a poorly dressed man, completely frazzled, seemed
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: unable to control an animal that stood approximately 15 inches tall.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: And that's fair. All that is fair. And I have
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: no good answers. The situation was becoming increasingly absurd... Again,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: I'm a grown-ass man. I make my living talking into
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: a microphone, apparently incapable of communicating with a bulldog, and
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: it's the problem of my delivery. Perhaps Moxie wanted more
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: of an energetic approach. Maybe I needed to lead with
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: a stronger opening statement. Or perhaps she simply didn't give
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: an F. which is the most likely scenario. Now, the
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: last possibility just has to be it, right? Now, finally,
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: after a few more moments of wrestling and wrangling, I
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: managed to secure the fugitive. Moxie was in custody. The
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: soccer ball was safe. The boy was safe. The girl
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: was safe. Even my dignity, while badly bruised, I had
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: faint signs of life, and I apologized multiple times for
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: the commotion. The Kids seemed perfectly fine. The girl was
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: very excited. She said, oh, don't apologize. I'm so happy
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: to see your dog. She really enjoyed meeting Moxie. And
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: even if the encounter had slightly been more athletic than
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: I anticipated, nobody got hurt. Nobody got hurt. There was
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: no property that was damaged. And I had learned a
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: very valuable lesson about leaving the front door open around
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: an animal whose athletic abilities I had apparently underestimated. So
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: we made the walk of shame. otherwise known as a
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: return home, the walk of shame. Moxie settled down a
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: little bit, and within minutes, she was snoring. Just like that.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: No lingering excitement, no regret, no indication that anything unusual
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: had happened. She was snoring peacefully as if she'd spent
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: the entire afternoon contemplating municipal bonds, something really exciting like that. Now,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: it took me a while to recover. There's something deeply
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: unfair about the arrangement we have. The dog creates the emergency.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: The human in this drama manages the emergency. The dog
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: returns to sleep. The human spends the next several hours
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: replaying the emergency, wondering what the neighbors must have thought
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: when they looked out the window and saw my fat
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: ass trying to catch the bulldog. And if dogs had lawyers,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: Moxie would probably sue me for interfering with her recreational activities.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: And knowing the way we work today, the who hurt
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: me billboards, she'd probably win. Of course, it's hard to
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: stay angry with an English Bulldog. The wrinkles, the jowls,
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: the underbite, the hot belly, they look like cranky old
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: men who have just discovered the diners stop serving breakfast
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: at 11 and they really want some waffles and a
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: side of of eggs. They'd even take some pancakes. So
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Moxie looked up at me briefly when she was not
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: sleeping and apparently satisfied with her afternoon's work, and then
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: she immediately went back to sleep. So, it's great. I
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: did consider giving her a stern lecture about obedience and
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: the relationship between man and beast, traffic safety, look both ways,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: the importance of respecting other people's sporting equipment. However, It
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: would have been a futile act. Lecturing an English bulldog
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: is like delivering a motivational speech to a parking meter.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: Doesn't really matter. You might feel better afterwards. The meter
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: isn't changing its behavior. So I let her sleep. And
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I sat there wondering how not one but two neighborhood
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: kids had managed to enjoy an afternoon that nearly gave
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: me a nervous breakdown. The girl got to meet the
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: cute dog. The boy got the soccer ball back. Moxie
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: got a cardiovascular workout. I got a story for the podcast.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: So that worked out pretty well. And I will revisit
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: the industrial complex of the doggy leash. Not exactly an
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: even trade. That's life with Moxie. That is life with Moxie. 99%
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: of the time, she is a snoring throw pillow. She's
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: a throw pillow. The other 1%, she's a sporting event
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: requiring adult supervision. So next time I'm doing this, and
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: it's during the week, and she goes outside, she will
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: be on a leash. A sturdy one. Unless, of course,
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: I forget because she's so cute. And I'm like, ah, nah,
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: she won't do that again. What I should do is
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: put a leash that's approved for restraining livestock on Moxie.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: And I like the one. What are the odds that
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: a couple of kids with a soccer ball will be
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: walking down the street? Slim and none, right? And Slim's
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: at the airport. And Moxie doesn't really care about other
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: dogs or adults. She only cares about balls. She loves balls.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: And she's already moved on, like I said. She's asleep
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: on the couch, dreaming about whatever English Bulldogs dream about.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: Probably food. Possibly balls. And somewhere deep inside that wrinkled
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: little head of hers, Secretariat is waiting for the starting bell.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: And I just hope that the next race is not
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: scheduled during my bathroom break. So... There is that. That
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: is the tales, the life of Mallor. This being a holiday. Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: A bunch of dopey stories I saw this week. I
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: did want to mention one. It involves decorations. And it
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: turns out that pumpkins are America's favorite Halloween decoration. They're
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: the most popular. decoration in eight states, including California, Texas, Colorado, Pennsylvania,
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: and New Jersey. People in Utah decorate for Halloween the most.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: So that's a fun factoid. Ghost is, by the way,
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: the second most popular decoration for Halloween. And bats are
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: another favorite. followed by witches, scarecrows, and tombstones. I have
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: noticed over the years that with Home Depot and Lowe's
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: selling a lot of these inflatable decorations, that Halloween decorating
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: has gone completely off the rails. Suburban homeowners have turned
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: the front lawns into low-budget Universal Studio attractions. It's pretty crazy.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of money, a lot of money spent.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: They say it's about $ 100 in Halloween decorations, which I
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: don't think even buys one of those giant skeleton things
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: at Home Depot. You can get some stuff at Dollar
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: Tree and whatnot. There's a lot of noisy decorations there. Screaming,
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: motion-activated screaming and chainsaws and all that stuff out of
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: horror movies and whatnot. And the amount of time spent
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: on this. They say, according to research, 18% begin the
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: Halloween decorating October 1st. 37% put decorations up during the
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: first week of October 1st. And again, $ 99 on average, 49%
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: of the people surveyed said inflation caused them to cut
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: back a little bit. 87% of people, they do decorate somewhat.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: Although 47% report seeing that there's hardly any trick-or-treaters from
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: the year prior. Yeah, we hardly get anybody. We hardly,
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: when I was a kid, back in my day, we
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: had so many, so many. All right, on that note,
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: have a great rest of your Saturday. We'll have the,
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: enjoy Halloween, be safe. And we'll have the mailbag for you. Also,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: time change if you're in a state that changes time.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: Tonight's the time change, so we'll have an extra hour
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: to sleep. But we'll have the big time change will
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: take place tomorrow. So have a wonderful, or tonight actually,
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: like 2 in the morning. Have a wonderful rest of
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: your Halloween. And we'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: I said bye-bye. You're still there? Come on. Ferg dog.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: Turn it off. Turn it off. Mallard prop guy. Turn
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: it off. Turn it off now.