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Intuition vs. Fear: How to Know Which Voice to Follow · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi and welcome to a mini episode of no Shrinking Violets, where I just think of a topic and I talk to you about it and hopefully give you some insights that maybe you can apply to your own life.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So I want to talk a little bit today about intuition versus fear.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Now I'm talking about intuition like a gut feeling about what you're supposed to do or a decision that you have to make.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: So I think sometimes when we think about intuition, we can look at it like and I feel it's a superpower for women of in a situation there's a lot, I think, that we pick up on as far as emotions from other people, things that are unsaid.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: I think that we have a really good sort of nonverbal compass, and that could either be because our brains really are different than male gender brains, or it could just be that we've been socialized to be more that tend and befriend kind of being where we really want to connect.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: So when we're talking about intuition, as far as what I'm going to describe today, it's more like when you have to make a decision.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: So I had one decision recently that I had to make and to some of you this is going to be so minor, but I had to decide if I was going to take small tattoos that I had and have them be sort of folded into a much bigger and, I'm going to say, way more beautiful tattoo.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: But it would take up half my forearm and I am from the generation of nice girls.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Don't get tattoos, do I believe that?
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: No, but as I've talked about many times on this podcast, the social script is so strong, the belief system, so I did overcome it, even though I really did.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: I had a lot of worry, I had a lot of fear, which, again, if you are a tattooed person, you might think that's just silly.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: But when I knew that I was making the right decision for me, I get like this little sort of my heart lifts for a second and sort of this internal like yes, like this is really me.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: And so when I talk about taking up your space, this is something that gets in the way, I think is fear, because we can question is this really something that I shouldn't do?
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Becoming larger, filling your life, taking steps that you haven't in the past, is surely scary, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: So how do you tease apart these things?
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: And I think it is figuring out what is the feeling about.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: So when we have a sense of fear, it is our amygdala which is in our brain.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Our amygdala is that overprotective friend that's saying oh, you really shouldn't do that.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Remember last time.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: It takes things that happened and it generalizes and we are wired to protect ourselves which we need to do ourselves, which we need to do.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: But now that we are in a society where usually the sheer survival need is gone you know, we're not living outside in caves with dangerous animals around us those things are typically not our reality.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: So the things that we become afraid of are more relational things.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: What if I say something that someone gets mad at?
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: Because look what happened the last time?
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: So the amygdala and I always think of her as a very dramatic female she's going to look for things that are similar to situations in the past and she's going to send the alarm out.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: So it's like that smoke detector in your home that's supposed to keep you safe from the house burning down but that continually goes off when you burn the toast Overreaction.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: So how do you really know whether you're making a decision that you really want or you're backing away from something because of fear?
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: So first of all, observe the feeling in your body, and for especially us women, that feeling can mean a lot of different things.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Excitement and fear cause the same physiological reaction.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Our hearts beat faster, we start breathing faster, we might get shaky.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: So we can't always listen to the signals our body is sending.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: In this situation and I'm not talking about when you're walking down the street and your intuition is saying that person over there is dangerous you pay attention to those things, obviously, but when this, to those things, obviously, but when this is a decision.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: So let me put it in something that had a little bit more at stake than getting a tattoo, perhaps.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: So I was in a job at one point and I've always been a reluctant leader, but I knew I had the capability.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: I just felt like gosh, if I do this, I'm telling people that I think I can do it.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: So I had a supervisor, this man named David, who is still a very good friend of mine.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: He doesn't live close anymore, so he's actually in a different country, so I don't see him anymore, but he was really instrumental in encouraging me to take not one, but two leadership positions.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: The second one was much higher level.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: It was actually his position because he was my supervisor.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: He wanted to move into an interim role and kind of try that out, which meant I was going to step into his position and become boss of my coworkers.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: So my initial reaction when he called me and I will never forget the call where I was sitting I was like hell, no, I am not doing this.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: And what actually got me to act on it and say yes is that it was important to him.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: So isn't that funny that there was somebody I cared about and so I did something that I was reluctant to do because it was important to him.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: There's a lesson in that for another day.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: But in this case it served me well because I ended up loving it.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: So sometimes that amygdala, and almost always the amygdala's voice and let's name her Sheila, sheila's voice is way louder than the small voice that says you know what?
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: I think we can do this.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: There's much more at stake when we step out and say yes, I can do this.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: So what are you afraid of?
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: That is the question to start with.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: What am I most afraid of?
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: And sometimes it's going to be, almost always it's going to be failure, or what is the other person going to think?
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: So the tattoo I was afraid of being judged.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: And guess what happened?
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: There was somebody that had a reaction very close to me, that had a reaction that was the exact thing I was afraid of and it was before that I went through with it and that was.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: It was like the sun came out.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: I didn't die, it was all fine.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: It solidified what I wanted versus what I thought other people thought I should do.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: So that's the first question.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: What am I most afraid of?
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: What's the worst that can happen?
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: If the worst that can happen is failure, that's a learning experience.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: And in situations like that, where you're making a big move, maybe you're moving across the country, like your gut is saying I want to do this.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we do that and we realize, oh, I don't know that this was the best choice, but at the time it felt like the something that we can learn from, if we, you know, you can lick your wounds for a little bit and like, have a Netflix and ice cream day or whatever, but then you move on.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: So to get back to the intuition versus fear, that's the question to start with, what am I most afraid of?
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: And then, who are my supports?
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Let's look at, because we tend to focus on the people we are afraid we're going to disappoint or, I don't know, make angry.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Their feelings aren't our responsibility, so let's shift that and look at who are our supports.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: So, in my situation, if I took this higher position, I could make a whole list of people that were going to support me.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: That if I ran into a problem or something I couldn't handle, who am I going to go to?
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: That's your tribe, that's your team.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: And then the last part of it is to tell Sheila to sit there beside you and she can be there fretting and wringing her hands.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: But you're going to make a list of what you're good at and you're going to look at the situation.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: So, whether it's taking a job, whether it's moving across the country, what are the things that I know I can navigate?
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Can I in my situation?
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Do I have the leadership skills?
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, did do.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Am I?
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: I'm concerned about my coworkers?
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: I am, but what am I good at?
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: I'm good at talking, letting people express how they feel.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: I'm good at, you know, teamwork, all of those things.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: I did take that position and it changed my life for real in good ways.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Did I have times that were rough?
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: I had one person and because I ended up doing this at another campus, because I was working at a community college, that person, arms crossed, just did not want me there.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: And if you told me that was going to happen, I probably would have used it as an excuse.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: I don't want to deal with that, but I had to deal with it because I was already there and I grew from it, she grew from it, that person that I was supervising grew from it.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: So I had times where I stumbled, I had times where I doubted myself, but nothing in the world that's worth doing is a smooth, paved road, unless you're like walking to get ice cream.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: But the big things in life, they are the things where you're going to feel afraid because there is stuff at stake.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: You know your self-concept, all of those things, but ask yourself what's the worst that can happen.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: What am I most afraid of?
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Who's going to support me?
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: And write a little resume what are you able to do?
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: And those things you're afraid of, how are you going to navigate them?
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: So that's the way to start, at least teasing apart fear versus intuition.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: When you're making a big decision, remember that fear in your body feels the same way as excitement.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: me today and until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant Violet that you are.