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FOCUS: Cut the ties to your old self (you don't need it) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: You're never too far gone to create change in your life.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: No matter where you are, you can transform and have
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: a different life. Okay, so what are the reasons? What
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: are the reasons for why we struggle? Number one, we
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: don't want to easy is that we don't want to.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: We say we want to. We say we want to
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: have this new life. We say we want to behave
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: this way. We say we want to be happy, we
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: want to be more carefree, we want to respect ourselves more.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: We want this career. We want to be full of energy,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: we want to be driven la la la la. But
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: we're too attached to certain things from our past, and
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: sometimes the future seems a bit scary.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: While while the idea if it's all.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Well and good, the actual actions that you need to
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: take to get there are very unknown. They're a little
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: bit scary, and your old life represents comfort and ease,
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: so you don't want to really take that leap. You
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: like the idea of it, but the steps to get
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: there kind of freak you out of it, so you
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: don't want to do it.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: That's reason why.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Reason two is you feel naked without certain things from
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: your part, from your old life.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: You know, it's like you feel like you.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Need a netting below to catch you before you take
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: that leap into the next stage of your life. There
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: are so many relationships where and I'm not saying infidelity
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: as well. I mean it could be in fidelity, depends
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: how you look at infidelity. I mean emotional Emotional cheating
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: is a form of cheating. But there's many, many relationships
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: where someone will not leave their partner until they have
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: a sure thing with somebody else, even if they haven't
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: officially crossed.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: The line at least physically.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: They know, like, I've fallen in love with somebody else,
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: and I know that that person, if you were both single,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: would also want to be with me. Now I feel comfortable.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: Now I'm going to leave this relationship. That happens all
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: the fucking time. I've seen it, I've heard about it.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: I've seen it in so many of you know, my friends,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: where someone's either done it to them or they've done
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: it to their partner. You know, this happens all the time.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: It's this idea of like the monkey swinging from branch
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: to branch. They don't let go off the other branch
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: until they're holding on to the new branch.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: Okay, people do that in.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Relationships, people do that in jobs, people do that in
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: so many things. And it's just it's a security thing.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: It's a safety thing. It's I don't feel safe without
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: this part of my safety net is my job, my partner,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: my friends, even if I know it's not good for me.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: I would rather have something that's not good for me
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: than be in this kind of this open space with.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: You know, potentially nothing at all. Okay.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: So that's another reason number three, and this is a
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: huge one. We feel obliged to stay in certain aspects
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: of our old life, and then this prevents us from
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: fully entering the next phase of our life. For example,
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: staying a certain way because your family or your community
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: expects you to be like that. So you think, oh
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: my god, I can't do this because I'm going to
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: disappoint so many people. I can't drop this career or
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: this degree because the pressure that might like my parents
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: would never forgive me, or my parents would be so
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: disappointed in me.
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: Or I can't leave my partner.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Because I would just destroy their life if I leave
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: my partner, and I feel like I have to stay
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: with them even though they're not good for me, or
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: I can't leave this group of friends because we've been
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: friends from high school.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: Then, you know, what will they think of me?
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: If I just say, look like I'm going to start
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: hanging around with you less, or if I just you.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: Know, like tap out of this friendship group altogether? What
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: will people think of me? What will happen?
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: So, even if you don't want to be there, you
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: feel stuck, You feel tired. You either feel guilty or
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: you feel responsible for other people's feelings around your own
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: actions or what you do with your own life, so
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: you stay.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: So it's this feeling of being torn if you.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: If you think that you are doing people a favor
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: by living your life how they want you to live it,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: you are not. You are not doing anybody any favors
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: by pretending to live a life that you want to
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: live when you actually don't want to live it just
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: so they can be proud of you, or just so
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: they can be quote unquote happy. The reason you the
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: same reason that you seek approval in your parents as
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: to why you go and do this career or in
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: your community as to why you're going to do this career,
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: is the same reason why your parents expect that from
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: you it's all this external expectation and thinking, if I
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: appease the people.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: Around me, then I will be happy.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: So you're doing that to try and please your parents.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Your parents are putting the pressure on you to live
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: a certain life to try and please their community, whether
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: it's their friends or their family. It's all external bullshit. Okay,
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: So you could be living this life trying to please them,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: but they're only relieved at best, being like, oh, thank god,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: my child's a great representation of me.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: They're not truly.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Internally happy, and they're never going to learn that unless,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: you know, you kind of cut the ties to that
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: bullshit and they could turn around and say, oh my god,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: you broke my heart. You broke this, you broke that.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: No you didn't, No, you didn't. If you break your parents'
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: heart by quitting law or quitting being a doctor. They
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: were never happy to start with, and they had this
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: false sense of happiness which was attached to something that
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: was completely not under control and something that was completely
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: outside of them, which is another human being, which is you. Okay,
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: So if you think that you're making someone happy by
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: living the life you're living, you're just keeping someone in
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: a state of delusional quote unquote happiness, but it's not
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: actual happiness, so you don't have to feel guilty about
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: that anymore. You can say, you know what, all I'm
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: doing is pulling the plug on this delusion of yours.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: And the problem as if that's not already a big
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: enough problem. Another problem with living your life trying to
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: please other people and thinking that you know, you can't
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: cut the tie and branch into this two point zero
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: life that you want to live because you're going to
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: hurt somebody. Another problem with that is if you live
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: your life doing that, those people are then going to
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: always be needing and expecting more and more and more
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: from you to keep up this false sense of happiness
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: because it's not a real happiness. They're always turning to
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: you to make them happy, when in reality they're the
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: only ones that can make themselves happy, so now they're
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: relying on you always. Have you ever noticed that if
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: you look at this, you can even see this in movies,
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: but you probably can think of an example either personally
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: or you've seen it in other you know, friends or
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: family where the child that pleases the parent the most
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: is the one that has most of the pressure on
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: them the parents who the kind of parenting where they
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: put pressure on the child to make them happy. You
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: should be doing this, you should be doing that, you should.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Be doing that.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: There's often one child that kind of rebels against it
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: and says, fuck this shit, I'm going to break the
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: shackles and like fuck that. And then there's another child
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: that's like, I really want to please my parents. I
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: want to make them happy. I'm working hard for them,
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: I'm doing this. Who do the parents then put more
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: pressure on the child that's trying to make them happy? Right,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: they're not go to this one, and I say, rebel.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: They're just living their lives.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: They're not actually rebelling, but they don't go to the
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: quote unquote rebel who just saying fuck this. They don't
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: go to them because they have expectations of one and
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: they have another child where they can't put expectations on
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: so they don't. Okay, it's got nothing to do with
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: loving one child more than the other. One child is
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: in this infinite loop of frustration and never pleasing their
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: parents because their parents that keep expecting more and more
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: and more because they're the good child, and we expect
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: this from you because you're good. We don't expect this
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: from your sibling because oh, that would never do it anyway.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: Right, So you're setting yourself up for failure.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: You're setting yourself up for this life of never ultimately
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: pleasing somebody because you can't.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: And then one more.
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  Speaker 1: Thing to think about in this point three of why
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: you don't change is you can never be the best
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: person to someone in a relationship if you are not
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: the best person for yourself. Okay, so you've got to
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: ask yourself if I'm going to live the life I
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: want to live. Let's say it's career wise, how I
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: want to dress, the way I want to carry myself.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: I want to make a full change. I want to
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: have a full overhaul.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Of my life.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: I'm ready for this fucking life that I've always wanted
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: to live in, always been too afraid. If you're ready
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: for this and you think I can't live that life
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: because these people will be stuck in the past, then
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: you've got to think why they're going to be stuck
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: in the past. Is it because they're actually toxic and
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: I should be getting rid of them? Because great, go
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: ahead and then do that. But if you're worried that
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: you're not going to be a good enough friend or
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: or child to your parents, or to your friendship group,
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: or to your partner.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: It's the other way around.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: The more you do to serve yourself and make yourself happy,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: the more you can show up for the people around you.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: And it's the way you show up for them doesn't
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: have to be in living a life that they want
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: you to live. You just show up by being happy
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: and fulfilled and present and comfortable in your own skin.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: That's how you become.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: A good friend, a good child, a good partner because
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: you've shown up for yourself and so you're able to
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: do that for other people. Okay, don't get stuck in
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: this false loop that so many of us get stuck in.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Number four, This one's a fucking big one. It's fucking big,
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: so really listen before. Reason why we struggle so much
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: to release our ties to our old self is because
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: a lot of our pain and suffering makes up our identity.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: Now you've got to think, what is my identity? Really?
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Think hard, and I want you to be ruthless when
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: it comes to what you identify with as being you.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: And it's very hard to sever the ties to anything
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: that is laced with so much emotion, good or bad,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: because we've become reliant on that emotion and become addicted
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: to these emotional loops that we get ourselves into, and
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: they become so ingrained in us and such a big
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: part of our lives that when we suffer thinking about it,
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: we weirdly want more of it.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: Okay,