Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Whole Brain Child #2 Connect and Redirect | Ep. 82

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Whole Brain Child #2 Connect and Redirect | Ep. 82 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:02
  Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
• 0:05
  Do you ever struggle when you're feeling a lot of emotion and somebody just tells you calm down or list all the reasons you shouldn't feel that way?
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  Nobody likes that.
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  And yet, you know, as a parent, it's kind of one of the typical ways we deal with our children.
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  But a lot of times, it's because we just don't know what else we should do or why.
• 0:38
  I'm Cheryl Lang, and I'm glad you're here, because today on the Parenting Podcast, our recording team discusses this issue as we're doing a series on the bestselling book, The Whole Brain Child.
• 0:51
  A very helpful and simple technique we explore is when dealing with a child, or anyone, Who's emotionally reactive that we should connect and redirect.
• 1:09
  Cheryl: I don't know about you, but I am really excited about doing this book.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: Read that we're doing book club.
• 1:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: over the next number of weeks.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
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  Cheryl: Using this great book, the Whole Brain Child.
• 1:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: By Dr.
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  Cheryl: Siegel and Dr.
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  Cheryl: Bryson.
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  Christie: Well oh, yeah.
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  Christie: I, I feel like I wanna change the title to whole brain person.
• 1:30
  Christie: Absolutely.
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  Christie: It's really helped me with.
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  Christie: All my relationships.
• 1:33
  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: Not just with children.
• 1:34
  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: That that's
• 1:35
  Ellen: true.
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  Ellen: And I know that, in the book.
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  Ellen: He does directly talk to parents so we can become more whole
• 1:40
  Cheryl: brained.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: And that's what I would call the whole series, whole brained parent.
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  Cheryl: Right, right.
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  Cheryl: Because the truth is you can't give away what you ain't got.
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  Cheryl: Right.
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  Cheryl: Well,
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  Christie: and I just listened actually to a talk that Dr.
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  Christie: Siegel did.
• 1:53
  Christie: Oh.
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  Christie: At a, maybe at a university or a.
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  Christie: Some, some kind of sinner he did a talk with and you know, he's a therapist by, like, that's his profession.
• 2:02
  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: Even though he does all of the brain science and stuff.
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  Christie: But, um, yeah, just so applicable.
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  Christie: You know, he, he, he really takes the science and the data, but then thinks about the people behind all of that and, and how it can bring connection between.
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  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: People and relationships.
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  Christie: And I just really appreciated
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  Cheryl: that.
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  Cheryl: Well, that's what I like about this, that it's a really good mixture.
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  Cheryl: This is the science.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: And so we'll touch on some of the science today.
• 2:28
  Cheryl: Right.
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  Cheryl: But that's what he does.
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  Cheryl: He does a great mixture of, this is a science and this is how it works.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: But this is how you use it, right?
• 2:36
  Cheryl: Yes.
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  Cheryl: It's a tool, not the goal, because the goal is, Relationship.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: and about emotional health.
• 2:44
  Cheryl: Right.
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  Cheryl: Helping
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  Christie: to understand one another.
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  Christie: cuz he gives
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  Ellen: you the knowledge so you can understand why you're doing it the way you're doing it and why it works.
• 2:52
  Ellen: And that's helpful.
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  Christie: Well, and another thing he talks about is, you know, as parents we, we have to kind of understand our own emotional baggage, damage, whatever you wanna call it, and kind of navigate our own emotional needs.
• 3:05
  Christie: and have some healing ourselves.
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  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: So that we can then help our kids navigate their own emotional needs.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: And that's why listeners, We are encouraging you to get the book.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: Uh, and Christie, would you recommend following Dr.
• 3:21
  Cheryl: Siegel does he do a podcast or was this a standalone or was it just good?
• 3:24
  Cheryl: Yeah, he,
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  Christie: he had good stuff.
• 3:25
  Christie: He somewhere, but I, I know if you just search wherever you listen to podcasts, he has, I'm sure you know, he's been on lots of podcasts.
• 3:32
  Christie: He has other books that sound fantastic.
• 3:34
  Christie: I'm, I'm really looking forward to looking into some of his work.
• 3:37
  Christie: Yeah,
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  Cheryl: me too.
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  Cheryl: Because again, it's approachable.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: And I can use it.
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  Cheryl: Yeah.
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  Cheryl: You know, it's affecting me.
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  Cheryl: Yeah.
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  Cheryl: Instead of, here are the 30 things you need to do Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: Right.
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  Cheryl: That could really impact.
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  Cheryl: Well, and
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  Christie: you know, he tells the story in here of, um, his own experience of being very triggered by his sons crying when he was a baby.
• 3:58
  Christie: Yes.
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  Christie: And when he shared that story again on this podcast I listened to, he was, Very, um, apprehensive in telling it because it was a very vulnerable story for him.
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  Christie: Wow.
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  Christie: And I just thought, you know, this is a person that's done their own work, and has worked through their own.
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  Christie: Uh, trauma really is what he experienced and gotten himself to a healthy place.
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  Christie: And now he's turning around and not just helping his own children who are now grown, but others.
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  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: I mean that, that's, it's a heart's passion for him, not just scientific data that he's passing on.
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  Christie: Mm-hmm.
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  Christie: And it's just such a
• 4:31
  Ellen: practical book.
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  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 4:32
  Ellen: Yeah, that's the bottom line.
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  Ellen: I mean, you get some good science information.
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  Ellen: At a layman's level, right?
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  Ellen: But the practicality of just saying, okay, now this is how you do this.
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  Ellen: This is what it looks like when you're doing
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  Christie: it right.
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  Christie: Well, and, and not practical in a light way that doesn't matter either.
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  Christie: It's, these are life-changing things that we are giving our children.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: Instead of, here are the 30 things you need to do Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: Right.
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  Ellen: Everybody, because really you can use this everywhere.
• 5:00
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
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  Ellen: Yes.
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  Ellen: You use it with your friends, your husbands, your wives, it's not just kids, it's
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  Cheryl: really true because we're talking about emotional health.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:08
  Cheryl: And uh, and I've mentioned it, but in 2020 when everybody was isolated, I did a, a program that was on relational wisdom and it was emotional health, and I read books and what he's talking about here is information that profoundly affected me, right?
• 5:26
  Cheryl: Because, and we've mentioned it previously.
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  Cheryl: In Western culture, certainly the United States, we tend to be very, very fact oriented, logic, truth based.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Right.
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  Cheryl: And everything else is second rate a little bit.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: And you just stick with the facts and the orientation and the linear and just make those old pesky emotions submit.
• 5:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:52
  Cheryl: And one of the things I like, because some of the argument, the more linear do the four things list type of parenting, equipping.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: Would say, oh, anything else is permissive.
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  Cheryl: And you don't care about your children and you're just letting'em run wild.
• 6:08
  Cheryl: Yes, yes.
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  Cheryl: And he regularly, almost every chapter says, yeah.
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  Cheryl: We're not talking about letting your children manipulating you or it's child dominant and you're just letting their emotions run rampant.
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  Cheryl: But instead, a tool for healthiness, for balance, for flourishing.
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  Cheryl: And we're gonna introduce the word for integration.
• 6:28
  Christie: Right, and And you're really equipping your kids Yeah.
• 6:32
  Christie: For all of life's challenges.
• 6:34
  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: Because you know their behavioral issues.
• 6:37
  Christie: Are just challenges of how to navigate life.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: true.
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  Christie: And, and that's what he talks about the, um, different types of tantrums, looking at the motive behind it and, and the reasoning of, of why they're either they're overwhelmed or mm-hmm.
• 6:50
  Christie: You know, or they, you know, sometimes there is manipulation involved.
• 6:54
  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: But to get to the root of that and actually address it,
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  Ellen: and especially when we're living in a culture where it feels like everyone's outta control.
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  Ellen: Yeah.
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  Ellen: You know, you.
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  Ellen: Whether it's on the nightly news or in the grocery store.
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  Ellen: Yeah.
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  Ellen: Everybody, for some reason after Covid sort of came out with like, I can express whatever I want to, and you have to sit through
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  Christie: it.
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  Christie: Mm-hmm.
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  Christie: It's a really weird, um, well, you know the phrase wounded people.
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  Christie: Wound people.
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  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: And I think that's what we see a lot.
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  Christie: Is it.
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  Christie: Hurting people that did not have someone to walk through emotional health in their formative years.
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  Christie: Yeah.
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  Christie: It, it leaves them floundering, which is kind of the description of all of us.
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  Christie: That's true.
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  Christie: Of course.
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  Cheryl: But this is what I love what we're going to do.
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  Cheryl: Yeah.
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  Cheryl: Using this material because we don't have PhDs behind our name.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: And so that's our plan is to start walking through and he calls it, um, Strategies for nurturing your child's developing mind.
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  Cheryl: And we don't know yet if we're gonna do all of them, but what do y'all think if we'd like today?
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  Cheryl: Look at that first strategy and talk about it.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: And apply.
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  Cheryl: You wanna do that?
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  Cheryl: Yeah.
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  Cheryl: Yeah.
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  Cheryl: That
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  Ellen: kinda lays the foundation,
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  Cheryl: right?
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  Cheryl: For the book, you know, and we talk about the brain, and I would think most of my life.
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  Cheryl: I just thought of the brain, sort of like a computer and it, it directed and did all the work, sort of like my iMac, like the motherboard or whatever they're called now.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: In my iMac, it figures everything out and tells things what to do, but I had no idea what we're gonna talk about.
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  Cheryl: Like, I heard the terms left brain and right brain, but I thought they were.
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  Cheryl: Sort of static.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: And you either were mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: Left brain or you were right brain instead of it's what he's trying to do is the term integration that he is trying to say, let's use all the parts of our brains and.
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  Cheryl: Bring up our strengths and minimize the weaknesses.
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  Cheryl: And then to be integrated.
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  Cheryl: Yeah.
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  Cheryl: Directionally, he actually physically talks about the direction.
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  Christie: Right.
• 8:51
  Christie: Okay.
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  Christie: And I, I thought the same thing.
• 8:53
  Christie: I kind of just thought, well, you're either a left brain person or a right brain person, and that's how it is.
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  Christie: But, I think, you know, we are, Dominant in one side, but we all have the access to the other side to bring balance
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  Ellen: but we have to learn the skill of it, right?
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  Ellen: Yeah.
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  Ellen: Because I think that's where we get stuck.
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  Ellen: If you're a logic person, you don't understand or feel the need necessarily for the emotional side.
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  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
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  Ellen: The emotional.
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  Ellen: Person is like, well, you're so logical.
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  Ellen: You take all the fun outta life.
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  Ellen: Right.
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  Christie: Well, and I think we see that in marriages a lot because we tend to be, you know, opposites tend to attract, and we think, oh, are you an alien from another planet?
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  Christie: Why would you think of it that way?
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  Christie: And then we realize, okay, they just, they're not wrong.
• 9:34
  Christie: They're just different.
• 9:35
  Christie: Right.
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  Cheryl: just for a little bit of explanation, he describes.
• 9:40
  Cheryl: The two different hemispheres cuz they literally are physically to the two parts of your brain.
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  Cheryl: And the left brain's real easy cuz it's just all Ls.
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  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Like left.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
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  Cheryl: He says it loves order list.
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  Cheryl: Logical, literal, And likes things linear, that they're in sequence.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: And order.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: And taken care of and tends to be for the letter of the law.
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  Cheryl: Right.
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  Cheryl: This is the fact.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:07
  Cheryl: And we go that way.
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  Cheryl: So that tends to be the left brain.
• 10:09
  Cheryl: And like you're saying, Christie, I thought you were one way or the other, so you would think.
• 10:13
  Cheryl: Someone who went into computers or engineering that they tend to be more left brain like that.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: And then, or lawyer is all the L words we can think of.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: And then the right brain is, uh, sloppier in its definition.
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  Cheryl: Creative Tends to be holistic and then that the interest in nonverbal communication, not just words.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: Aware facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, um, not really big on.
• 10:46
  Cheryl: The details as much as the big picture and, um, when something happens, focusing on the meaning and the feeling of the experience.
• 10:57
  Cheryl: Right?
• 10:57
  Cheryl: Not the 1, 2, 3 facts.
• 10:59
  Cheryl: Uh, which makes me think of you, Ellen, when we were talking about lying, how Mike would Correct, right.
• 11:05
  Cheryl: All of your facts.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: Because you were going for the big story and how it felt.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: Um, and then specializes in imagery, emotion, personal memories.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: I just got this feeling.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: Which is not what the left brain says.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: Right?
• 11:21
  Cheryl: How
• 11:21
  Ellen: do you, my husband hates when I say that I just have
• 11:23
  Cheryl: this feeling.
• 11:25
  Ellen: We've been married almost 50 years, so now he'll stop and go, okay, what is it?
• 11:28
  Ellen: Uhhuh, and then is, You know, oh, Seely legitimate when I have a feeling you know
• 11:35
  Christie: about, but you know, but it felt very foreign to him in the beginning, I would think.
• 11:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:38
  Christie: He just
• 11:38
  Ellen: thought, yeah, what, whatever.
• 11:40
  Ellen: Who's speaking in your ear?
• 11:41
  Ellen: What creature from another
• 11:42
  Cheryl: planet?
• 11:43
  Cheryl: So, Well, I was just thinking about this when I was looking at his definitions of all these, when it said like the right brain meaning and feeling of an experience.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: So y'all know, I just.
• 11:55
  Cheryl: Recently got back from 16 days with my daughter and the majority of it we went and stayed on the island of Cyprus.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: And so this is the fact, and you have to.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: Organize a trip.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: With your left brain.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: You have to figure all the things out.
• 12:09
  Cheryl: And we did.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: And we, we know how to do that trip, but if I'm gonna talk about it, I'm gonna talk about the meaning and the experience, right?
• 12:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: Of how it felt and the beauty we saw.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: And then I'll say, but overriding all of it, 16 days with my daughter, you know, just our being together.
• 12:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:27
  Cheryl: So I definitely care about the right brain aspect of it.
• 12:32
  Cheryl: That's what I carry in my memory.
• 12:34
  Cheryl: But
• 12:34
  Christie: had you not done the planning that's exactly right, your brain, it would not have been a good feeling.
• 12:39
  Christie: It would've been a little chaotic.
• 12:40
  Christie: It'd be, it would be a whole brain
• 12:42
  Ellen: melt down
• 12:43
  Cheryl: it certainly would.
• 12:44
  Cheryl: Somewhere on the Eyeland you know, you'd still be there.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: So parents we're giving you some of this, um, vocabulary so that you can.
• 12:56
  Cheryl: Absorb what they're talking about.
• 12:58
  Cheryl: Another brain thing we've talked about, the neuroplasticity of brains.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: Well,
• 13:04
  Christie: that, that's my favorite word in the book, I think because it, it's the word of grace to me because Yeah, it's the fact that we can continue to grow and change.
• 13:13
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:14
  Christie: The more we learn and study and, and.
• 13:17
  Christie: Um, work on these practices mm-hmm.
• 13:20
  Christie: Of emotional health, then we can heal.
• 13:24
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:24
  Christie: Our brains can heal.
• 13:25
  Christie: Our brain brains are
• 13:26
  Cheryl: pliable.
• 13:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:27
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:27
  Cheryl: You know, but that's it Actually, the neurons are how we think and use our brain.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: And the neural pathways we can actually redo those.
• 13:35
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: So the example, and I can't remember if I Mentioned it before, but when we're on Cyprus, they drive on the left hand side of the road.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: And so we rented a car and I, no way, I would never do it cuz that is not my strength.
• 13:51
  Cheryl: And so we had to continually reorient our neural pathways to think left hand to think which way you look on a street.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: Just all of it.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: That's just a really good example.
• 14:05
  Cheryl: Of the plasticity of our brains.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: Joanna, dominating in that.
• 14:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:11
  Cheryl: Having to do completely different orientation from the decades that we've driven and of course lived here.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: so what would y'all say, how do you identify with left and right brain?
• 14:24
  Cheryl: Would you say you're one more than the other or you easily move back and forth?
• 14:29
  Christie: I feel like I go back and forth.
• 14:32
  Christie: Which maybe sounds healthier than it is because I think it's dependent on the circumstance.
• 14:38
  Christie: I think I can easily get like, locked into right brain or locked into left brain.
• 14:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:44
  Christie: In a certain circumstance, whichever feels most coping and protective in the moment.
• 14:49
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:50
  Christie: Um, I mean, I would say definitely now more than in my twenties, I can access both and go back and forth mm-hmm.
• 14:57
  Christie: And a healthier way, but I, I probably.
• 15:01
  Christie: In my natural state without any work towards it, I'm probably a little more right-brained.
• 15:05
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:05
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 15:06
  Ellen: I, I know I'm very right-brained and I don't particularly appreciate going over.
• 15:14
  Christie: You just have to find a friend that's left brain to point well, she married my.
• 15:17
  Christie: That's true.
• 15:19
  Ellen: You know, like, okay, I have to do that cuz if left to myself, I'd probably just enjoy my right.
• 15:24
  Ellen: Brainedness and mm-hmm.
• 15:25
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:26
  Ellen: All the activities in front that come with that, and then I have like real life things to do, like balance the checkbook, clean the kitchen, right.
• 15:33
  Ellen: Things like that.
• 15:35
  Cheryl: But you discipline yourself, you do that really well, right?
• 15:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:38
  Ellen: Well, you can't function.
• 15:39
  Ellen: I mean you have to make a choice at some point in time, whichever you're strong in that.
• 15:44
  Ellen: You have to go over to the other side too, to be well-balanced.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: Well that's why he promotes integration, right?
• 15:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:51
  Cheryl: So we're talking about as adults.
• 15:53
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:53
  Cheryl: We have to learn to do it cuz.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: Definitely I was subjective right brain.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: And I'm not artistic like you, but whole big picture and mm-hmm.
• 16:03
  Cheryl: Relationships and all of that.
• 16:05
  Cheryl: And if you could all could see the video.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: My hands are going in big pictures, So it's definitely very right brain and enjoying, you know, that aspect, like what you're talking about.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: But real life forces you Yeah.
• 16:20
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: To function well, and And I'm like you, both of you mentioning, I can say, no, this is a time I need to shift.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: And I have to go into thinking mode, I have to go into logic mode.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: right.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: And particularly, I will say single parenting.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: Widowhood forced me so much of the time to work outta my left brain.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: Uh, because my right brain was connected to my emotions the heart, it was really hurting.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: In my family.
• 16:48
  Cheryl: Um, but I will say like in an unhealthy thing, because of the pain that emotions were.
• 16:56
  Cheryl: Because of our loss and the grief and all of that.
• 17:00
  Cheryl: I would talk to God and say, couldn't you just cauterize the feeling part of my brain?
• 17:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: And let me only work out of Yeah.
• 17:09
  Cheryl: Like a computer.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: Unbalanced, not integrated.
• 17:13
  Cheryl: I wanted just the robotic work.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: So I couldn't feel, and that's not what we want to do with our children.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: And obviously that's not healthy.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: Well, I think
• 17:23
  Christie: you make a really good point though.
• 17:24
  Christie: Some, sometimes whatever we see in ourselves can be a coping skill.
• 17:29
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 17:29
  Christie: More than anything.
• 17:30
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:30
  Christie: And that he talks about in the chapter before about the river of peace.
• 17:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:35
  Christie: You know, floating down and serenity and one bank being chaos.
• 17:39
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:39
  Christie: And one bank being control.
• 17:41
  Christie: And I, I think we do use that control bank.
• 17:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:45
  Christie: For self-protective
• 17:45
  Cheryl: purposes.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: Thank you counselor for, all right, so one of the things that he did say about the right brain is children tend to be right-brained and.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Christie, you said, he said something on that podcast,
• 18:00
  Christie: what was it?
• 18:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:01
  Christie: He was saying that the right brain is the only part of the brain that's active in utero.
• 18:05
  Christie: Wow.
• 18:05
  Christie: That the left brain doesn't kick in until much later.
• 18:08
  Christie: I, I don't wanna misquote the age, but maybe up until 18 months, two years old.
• 18:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:13
  Christie: Something like that.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: But you can really see that, not, not that Right.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: Brainedness is immature.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: But children are feelings and Right.
• 18:21
  Cheryl: And that's why, Attachment and nurturing.
• 18:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: And safety and love are so important with little babies, even in utero because they don't have
• 18:30
  Ellen: a frame of reference yet to learn.
• 18:32
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:33
  Ellen: You know, when you're in utero, you're hearing, you're feeling, and that's what those early years are, is that parent helps the child through the feeling world.
• 18:42
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:42
  Ellen: Because they don't think, they just do, they just react in, you know, Under two.
• 18:47
  Cheryl: you know, and I think it's so good when you think about that right brain.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: Some of our areas that we're frustrated with little ones is a tantrum.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: Or meltdown.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: Well, and that's what he's dealing with this, that they're so right brain, they don't have the tools or.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: Oh, a few episodes ago we talked about lying, right?
• 19:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:09
  Cheryl: And I saw this applicable to that, that they're not thinking Right.
• 19:14
  Cheryl: Logically, diligently, linear.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: They're thinking, I wanted the cookie and I ate it.
• 19:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: And I don't have to explain it.
• 19:21
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:22
  Cheryl: Well, and
• 19:22
  Christie: we joke about, you know, Kids in their toddler years and compare'em to teen years.
• 19:28
  Christie: And it's kind of not a joke.
• 19:31
  Christie: You know, there's a lot of brain development happening Yes.
• 19:33
  Christie: In those seasons.
• 19:34
  Christie: And, and so they are kind of clumsy getting through and Yeah.
• 19:38
  Christie: You know, their lies sound ridiculous because they don't understand logic yet.
• 19:41
  Christie: And, and so yeah, it's a, a hot time for brain development.
• 19:45
  Christie: That's
• 19:46
  Cheryl: why I think one of the sentences that should be wiped out of parenting vocabulary.
• 19:51
  Cheryl: What were you thinking?
• 19:53
  Cheryl: Right?
• 19:54
  Cheryl: Because the person you had asked that to was not thinking Logically, linear right.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:02
  Cheryl: And the other thing, I was still thinking of little ones to help them with cause and effect.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: Because that's a development of the left brain Mm-hmm.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: And that's uhoh that's cause and effect they learned early.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:16
  Cheryl: And you can see that my grandson learned uhoh.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: And first it was when it was an uhoh and then he started picking up his spoon and dropping it and saying, uh oh.
• 20:25
  Cheryl: But that's that actual development of the left brain going cause.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: Effect.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: I thought it was
• 20:31
  Christie: fascinating.
• 20:31
  Christie: It's a new novelty, so it's too exciting in that time.
• 20:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:35
  Christie: Instead
• 20:35
  Cheryl: of frustrated.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:37
  Cheryl: Okay, let's focus on his, uh, strategy that he gives in this book.
• 20:42
  Cheryl: The first strategy that he gives, because remember the term he wants is integration, right?
• 20:48
  Cheryl: That we want to be, in this case, he says horizontally integrated because physically the right and the left brain are horizontal yeah actually to the right and left of each other.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: Don't know how to say that.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: But if you think of a brain, mm-hmm.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: So it's a horizontal relationship.
• 21:04
  Cheryl: He says, let's be horizontally integrated.
• 21:07
  Cheryl: And so his strategy, is We parents need to connect and redirect.
• 21:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:15
  That instead of trying to eliminate, or ignore, or wallow in emotions,
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 21:22
  we want to help our children by connecting with their right brain, which is being controlled by emotions, and then appropriately redirect horizontally to the left brain, so that you both then can use words and logic to think through what's triggering or bothering them.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: Yeah, I,
• 21:45
  Christie: I love this idea and I, I think, you know, in some degree I, I've done that, but maybe not as purposefully as what he talks about, but it's true.
• 21:54
  Christie: What you're really doing is, you know, when the child is in the moment of emotion or a tantrum or emotional outbursts of some kind, you're connecting with those emotions, those right brains.
• 22:07
  Christie: That right brain action of, I can only think about how I feel right now.
• 22:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:12
  Christie: And validating their emotion and then helping them.
• 22:16
  Christie: After you validated the emotion, help helping them access the left brain logic Yes.
• 22:21
  Christie: Of the situation.
• 22:22
  Christie: I'm, I know that you want to go to the park right now, but you see it's raining.
• 22:27
  Christie: And what would happen if we went out in the rain while we'd get wet and we wouldn't have as much fun?
• 22:31
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:32
  Christie: So let's wait until the rain's gone.
• 22:33
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 22:33
  Christie: And so you're, you're validating their emotion.
• 22:36
  Christie: But then bringing them into the logic.
• 22:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:39
  Christie: And
• 22:39
  Ellen: you have to calm that emotion down.
• 22:41
  Ellen: Yes.
• 22:41
  Ellen: You know, whether it's your friends a a two year old or a teenager, you have to get'em to a point where they can hear mm-hmm.
• 22:48
  Ellen: And listen.
• 22:49
  Ellen: Yes.
• 22:49
  Ellen: And so by entering into it with them mm-hmm.
• 22:53
  Ellen: As much as you can, then you've gained access to talk to them and help make the shift to the other side.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: exactly.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Well, and that's what we want for our children right?
• 23:04
  Cheryl: Yes And that's what's so good about this, instead of quit crying.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: Or whatever it is, trying to stop the emotion.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:12
  Cheryl: Or pander to it that like you're saying, connecting to it.
• 23:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:18
  Cheryl: I hear you.
• 23:19
  Cheryl: And then when it's.
• 23:21
  Cheryl: Settled down and not triggered.
• 23:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:24
  Cheryl: Now let's l look at how we can walk through it.
• 23:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:28
  Christie: And your empathy in that moment is building trust.
• 23:31
  Christie: Trust and relational equity for future.
• 23:34
  Christie: I mean, you're, every, every time we can do this, we're We're building up trust with our kids because we care and we're connected now.
• 23:40
  Christie: Yeah,
• 23:41
  Ellen: Yes.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: and relationships with people, right?
• 23:44
  Cheryl: You know, when I'm upset, I don't want someone going, now let's look at the four reasons why you shouldn't be upset.
• 23:50
  Cheryl: That's the worst feeling when somebody does that to you, Uhhuh, and I remember with Bill.
• 23:56
  Cheryl: Because of whatever it is, I'm ruining the children or they hate me, or whatever it was.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:02
  Cheryl: when I was upset about something yeah, definitely right.
• 24:04
  Cheryl: Brain indulging my emotions and he was trying to connect and help me.
• 24:10
  Cheryl: So we finally came up with a solution, which is really what we're talking about here.
• 24:15
  Cheryl: And he would say, honey, do you want me to listen?
• 24:19
  Cheryl: Or do you want me to fix it, right?
• 24:21
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:22
  Cheryl: And so I, no, I just want you to listen cause I'm saying I want you just to connect with me and validate me and encourage me Yes.
• 24:30
  Cheryl: Emotionally, and then we can talk about it.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: Because, um, he wanted to help.
• 24:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:37
  Cheryl: And both of us were frustrated, right?
• 24:39
  Cheryl: Because he didn't know how to do it.
• 24:40
  Ellen: He's in, he's in helping mode and you in, which is left
• 24:43
  Cheryl: brain
• 24:43
  Ellen: logic and, and you're in like, you know, emotional mode and they don't always go together.
• 24:48
  Ellen: But I mean, I think that's good when you learn how to respect where that person is at the time and wait for the moment, whether it's your child or your spouse or your friend to be able to relax enough so they could come over to the other side.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: It's so good One of the things that science has proven though is that men don't have all the connections, the bridges between the two hemispheres.
• 25:11
  Cheryl: Hmm.
• 25:11
  Cheryl: Theirs is not a strong connection.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: Interesting.
• 25:14
  Cheryl: So women tend to go back and forth more easily.
• 25:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:17
  Cheryl: And so men tend to little be a little bit isolated.
• 25:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:21
  Cheryl: Like if they're on one side or the other, they have a little trouble getting across.
• 25:24
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:25
  Cheryl: For example.
• 25:26
  Cheryl: With your sons particularly, um, If they're in emotion, they have a harder time finding the word to use for it.
• 25:34
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:35
  Cheryl: That's or how to put it in words.
• 25:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:37
  Cheryl: Or if they're in a logic mode like Mike mm-hmm.
• 25:41
  Cheryl: They have a little hard time even realizing that there are emotions attached to it, it's significant without being crippling.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: But just to be aware, it's not the same with sons and daughters.
• 25:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:53
  Cheryl: There's a difference.
• 25:55
  Cheryl: you've told me like with Mike, How you've worked to help him get in touch with his right brain.
• 26:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:03
  Cheryl: what, what have you done?
• 26:03
  Ellen: Well, he is very left brained, so very logical person.
• 26:08
  Ellen: And I was so frustrating when we first get married because every time he would tell me something, it was from that logic side and.
• 26:15
  Ellen: I would ask him, well, what do you think about this?
• 26:18
  Ellen: I learned to say, what do you feel about this?
• 26:21
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 26:22
  Ellen: And then he would naturally tell me what he thought.
• 26:24
  Ellen: And he said, I don't wanna hear what you thought.
• 26:26
  Ellen: What do you feel?
• 26:27
  Ellen: And then he had to kind of step back and I could see his wheels turning like, oh.
• 26:32
  Ellen: Feel,
• 26:33
  Christie: I forgot that was an option.
• 26:34
  Christie: I'm
• 26:35
  Cheryl: actually really mad.
• 26:37
  Cheryl: But you're connecting to his left Uhhuh and bringing him back to his right?
• 26:40
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:41
  Cheryl: So you're just doing it the opposite direction.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:43
  Ellen: But you know, depending on where you naturally fall mm-hmm.
• 26:47
  Ellen: You have to help each other to get to the other side
• 26:50
  Cheryl: to integrate.
• 26:51
  Cheryl: Cuz that's the word.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: I like that.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: Cuz it's flourishing.
• 26:53
  Cheryl: It's what we're doing.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:55
  Cheryl: But he's actually blending like you're blend your fingers together.
• 26:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:58
  Cheryl: He's trying to.
• 26:59
  Cheryl: Integrate the both sides.
• 27:01
  Cheryl: So rather than just whole brain persons, whole brain parent, whole brain child, whole brain marriage.
• 27:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:06
  Cheryl: Right.
• 27:06
  Cheryl: Whole brain relationships.
• 27:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:08
  Ellen: Like, and now he does it on his own.
• 27:10
  Ellen: Oh, that's great.
• 27:11
  Ellen: He came a skill that he know, he checks with his
• 27:14
  Christie: emotions now because of neuro pluses.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: There we go.
• 27:19
  Cheryl: Um, Well, and lot
• 27:20
  Ellen: of times you have to give your sons or your husband's words,
• 27:24
  Cheryl: which is what the next strategy Yeah.
• 27:26
  Cheryl: Is actually.
• 27:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:27
  Cheryl: I mean, but you're right.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: That's a good connection cuz are come back next time feeling.
• 27:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:31
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:33
  Cheryl: This is such good material.
• 27:35
  Cheryl: It is.
• 27:35
  Cheryl: Uh, I'm so glad cuz the three of us already are incorporating it in our lives.
• 27:40
  Christie: Definitely.
• 27:41
  Christie: So, and
• 27:41
  Ellen: even us older people, you
• 27:43
  Cheryl: know,
• 27:43
  Ellen: neuroplasticity.
• 27:44
  Ellen: Yes.
• 27:45
  Ellen: It's giving us, you know, continuing good tools and that just that reminder, oh, this is what I need to
• 27:50
  Cheryl: do in this situation.
• 27:52
  Cheryl: And
• 27:52
  Ellen: if you met a need of just listening to them that's right.
• 27:54
  Ellen: Sometimes that's all we want
• 27:56
  Christie: Well, and I think we remember information better when there's an emotional connection to it.
• 28:00
  Christie: That's really good.
• 28:01
  Christie: That's true.
• 28:01
  Christie: That's probably really helpful or
• 28:03
  Cheryl: just like with our children in this, you feel cared for.
• 28:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:06
  Cheryl: When someone.
• 28:08
  Cheryl: Connects to your emotions.
• 28:09
  Cheryl: Yes, we feel safe and cared for and now let's move on to other stuff, right?
• 28:14
  Cheryl: So we've got to wrap up here.
• 28:17
  Cheryl: Again, encourage you, get the whole brain child and we'll be working through the strategies and come back to it.
• 28:25
  Cheryl: Is there anything else I wanna say?
• 28:26
  Cheryl: No, I don't think so.
• 28:28
  Cheryl: Well, I feel how you feel about this.
• 28:32
  Cheryl: So parents remember, hang in there.
• 28:35
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 28:45
  As you heard us all say, we just think this book should be renamed whole brain parent, whole brain friend, whole brain person, because it's full of understanding and techniques that apply in all our relationships.
• 29:01
  So what about you?
• 29:03
  What are some ways that Connect to Redirect would be helpful within your family?
• 29:09
  We'd love to hear from you.
• 29:11
  Text us, contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 29:15
  com, DM us, or go to our website.
• 29:19
  Be sure you get yourself a copy of the book, because it has way more information than we could talk about on the podcast.
• 29:27
  The Whole Brain Child, by Drs.
• 29:30
  Siegel.
• 29:32
  And, I recommend you get a hard copy.
• 29:35
  Because of the charts and information, you may won't even put up on your refrigerator, or your bathroom mirror.
• 29:42
  Be sure to follow TPP.
• 29:44
  Next time, we're going to talk about Name It to Tame It.
• 29:50
  Hope you can join us.