Latest / Lightbearer's Library / When a highly sensitive man goes quiet... (INFJ / INFP)

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When a highly sensitive man goes quiet... (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had the experience where you're telling someone something that's truly meaningful to you?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps it's about your high sensitivity and how you have perceptions that maybe are beyond the normal.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're an INFJ, perhaps it's trying to express something about an existential crisis that you're going through, or anything that that is sort of deep within your inner world, and you just see and know that the other person is not meeting you there, is not understanding.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for highly sensitive men, one of the loneliest experiences that they, and I mean I've had this too, is a highly sensitive person and an INFP, like just being having no one around you that um really understands what's going on inside in your internal world.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I I think that when we, you know, when we share these things with with people, and then we get kind of feedback or in the in the conversation about, you know, oh, you just need to like, for example, my my thing was it's like my husband's going through an existential crisis.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's an INFJ.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like telling my my dad or other people, it's kind of like, oh, you just need to get out more, or you know, you're overthinking it, or you should focus on the positive kind of thing.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this, um, everyone feels that way sometimes.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe they unintentionally minimize what it is that you're feeling or sharing, or or with our sensitivities, our sound, you know, it's like loud noises.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, that's not that loud.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it's kind of like, but it is loud to me, you know.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or they try and maybe diagnose you with something.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, it sounds like you need, you know, you're depressed and maybe you need to take some drugs.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, I just need someone to listen, you know.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so it's well-intentioned for the most part, you know.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I know there are a lot of people who have people in their lives that are not well-intentioned, but I don't think we share these things with people that we know don't have good intentions towards us.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So um, but it's the it's our depth that wasn't met.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And because that's not part of the other person's maybe lived experience, right?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: If they're not an HSP, a highly sensitive person, if they're not maybe um have more intuitive or a feeling, like if we're talking about personality type, it's kind of just not part of their lens of perceived of how they look at the world.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: So when we share over and over again, you know, if you think back to your younger years, if you're older, when we get these responses constantly or over and over from sharing our deep heart, our deep feeling, and we can get this thought pattern in our mind that says, okay, well, I'm just I'm too much, no one gets it.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's easier not to say anything because it just it hurts.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It hurts so much to to offer pieces of our heart, offer pieces of our experience, offer things that are different from other people in the world, and and just and then to feel like misunderstood in that way.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it it really is painful, it's a painful experience.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we kind of put up this this protection from that hurt, and perhaps we, you know, we learn to not say what we're really thinking and feeling.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: We maybe keep it surface level and keep it simpler.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: We um we just kind of maybe smile and nod in a conversation.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: We try not to be too deep or intense and we because we don't wanna, yeah, we just don't want to have that hurt of of feeling misunderstood.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: So we then choose to maybe isolate more or we become smaller versions of ourselves.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: We're kind of dumbing ourselves down for other, you know, translating.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's how I like to think about it.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's like we have to translate ourselves, but that takes a lot of energy and it's not always appreciated, is it?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and uh and I I think that you know, there's a feeling in the comments, and I know I felt the same way, that there can be a sense of hopelessness and being resigned to being lonely and being isolated from others, other humans, and feeling understood.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I think if we look at this through a different lens, I think there's all hope for us.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's so I think that if we think about this in terms of you know, um, our high sensitivity, that we have this biological trait that makes us different from others.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think what we need to do is we actually need to find people who are who speak who speak a same similar language, find other HSP, HSPs, right?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or if we have a a certain personality type, for example, INFJs or INFPs, just because um, you know, there's there's a unique way of looking at the world there.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so finding other INFJs who know about existential crises and talking to them about the existential crises is like, oh, you understand, you know, and that's been wonderful for me in the comments, you know, having INFJs express their their um, I don't know what the right word is, but their knowing of what my husband is going through, and that helps me to feel not so alone in it, and him too, you know, it's just like, okay, it's not he's not crazy, and neither are you if you're going through that.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And we're finding people who are on the you know, the on a journey of personal development.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: We've got to be more have more discernment in who we share our inner world with.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I I I believe that there are people that can see us and at least have, you know, more um curiosity about what's happening.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so while not everyone is going to understand our inner world, that doesn't mean that we're too much.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that we have to find people who are on a similar, similar journey, who have a shared emotional language, who share similar lived experiences, and who can kind of appreciate the nuances of things, who um can go into more depth of thinking, whether it's uh like you're looking at your theory of everything, or you know, your the emotional uh feelings that are going on, or existential questions about God, like maybe you need to go and speak with a theologian, you know, I don't know.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: But um it's it's like yeah, ex somebody who can share all of those, or not share, but just who are at least open to curiosity is the the word that keeps coming back to me.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And because even if they can't imagine what it's like to be you and to have the experiences that you've had, they can at least sit with compassion and curiosity and be a witness to it.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's often what we're just needing is someone to just hear us and say, Oh, like that's a lot to be going through, or you know, wow, that sounds really heavy, or you know, to just be witnessed, to not need someone to fix us, to give us advice, to um because I I I don't know about you, but I just I'm I don't know that what we need is advice or fixing from others.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: What we just need is to be listened to with all full attention in this, you know, how often is it that people sit and give you your their full attention in this world, like full of full of people scrolling, right?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: So even just that is wonderful.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So the so our choices are in this in this like misunderstood kind of topic that we're is like trying to change ourselves to fit in with others, to minimize ourselves, to make us ourselves translatable, whatever that looks like, um, to become easier to understand, which then makes us feel smaller and kind of doesn't do ourselves fully justice.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we can choose to isolate ourselves from others and resign ourselves to never being understood, or we can find people who are willing to understand us.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I was feeling quite hopeless about this before I started my channel.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I also felt lonely and isolated and misunderstood and was feeling like I was minimizing myself with, you know, the family or friends that I did have in my life.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it just like I was feeling like I was dying inside.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: So starting this channel has really helped me to yeah, find others who who can understand what's happening inside of me.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's why I started the um the library men's groups.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a space where everyone kind of turns up with curiosity and compassion and the desire for genuine compassion or genuine connection with other men.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And because we all need somewhere to be able to say, you know, this is what I'm experiencing, this is what's happening in my life right now.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going through this change, and you know, it's bringing up a lot of stuff and and to hear other men or like often me, like just say, I understand, I, or at least like I feel you, it that's hard to just see us, um, somewhere to be recognized and to actually kind of come to a realization that, huh, I'm not as alone as I thought I was with this experience.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's that can be quite, quite, quite a relieving feeling almost.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a our our the burden of of feeling lonely and isolated is lifted a little bit.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so the next one of those is tomorrow.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're hosted on Wednesdays currently, Wednesday evenings.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if there are those of you who would like to have a deeper sense of belonging, um, the men's sanctuary is a four-week journey, we're gonna use that word, um, with the same small group of men.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: So it's an opportunity to be to kind of move beyond the the one-off conversations and experience, you know, what happens when I think there'll be more trust and more familiarity and connection that develops over the four weeks.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: So that starts on August 4th, if you would like to um join us.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: So all the links for those will be below.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I could really use your support in you know doing this work.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: So if you would like to help the library thrive, um, the links for um for donations will be below, or I guess it's almost like a contribution to keeping keeping the library going.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you so much for being here.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: I wish you so many blessings.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Signing off for today, XOXO Kate.