Latest / Alpha Men Podcast / Alpha Men Podcast Season 5 Ep. 15

Transcript

Alpha Men Podcast Season 5 Ep. 15 · Alpha Men Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_07: Ladies and gentlemen, TJ Michaels and John Stacy invite you on a roller coaster ride of Machismo on the Alpha Men Podcast.
9:47
SPEAKER_08: Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
10:01
SPEAKER_07: It's so cup, freaks.
10:33
SPEAKER_08: Couple of beers on the wall at night.
10:36
SPEAKER_08: They record, get the door laughing as they push the floor.
10:42
SPEAKER_08: No script, just truth.
10:44
SPEAKER_08: Talking like they're in your living room.
10:48
SPEAKER_08: Straight from the chest.
12:17
SPEAKER_04: To the Alpha Men podcast from the uh grand capital of the world.
12:21
SPEAKER_04: I don't know, uh, Barry, Vermont.
12:23
SPEAKER_04: It feels like I'm broadcasting from the sun tonight.
12:26
SPEAKER_04: But uh TJ Michaels, my partner in crime, is from Trinity, North Carolina.
12:30
SPEAKER_04: John Stacy, aka Baby Huey is here, and I gotta crack this beer, because I gotta tell you something.
12:36
SPEAKER_04: I feel like I'm in a factory right now in like uh Pin Yang, China, making iPhones.
12:42
SPEAKER_04: It is this studio is it's like on fire.
12:47
SPEAKER_04: And I gotta tell you something.
12:52
SPEAKER_04: It's not that warm here.
12:54
SPEAKER_04: It's like last night it was like 87 degrees at 10 o'clock.
12:58
SPEAKER_04: So uh, but last week it was 36 degrees at night.
13:04
SPEAKER_04: So no, I don't have my air conditioners in here, okay?
13:07
SPEAKER_06: So uh 68.2 year in central air.
13:12
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
13:12
SPEAKER_04: Well, you know what?
13:15
SPEAKER_04: It is warm in the studio right now.
13:18
SPEAKER_04: That's all I'm telling you right now.
13:20
SPEAKER_04: And we got problems, gas prices in Los Angeles approaching$9 a gallon.
13:29
SPEAKER_06: Anyway, stay home.
13:30
SPEAKER_04: Cost Mickey Work a hundred bucks to fill up his house.
13:36
SPEAKER_04: He lives in a van down by the No, I'm just kidding.
13:41
SPEAKER_04: Uh actually, Keon Reeves took the bus for the first time since speed.
13:44
SPEAKER_04: That's how expensive it is.
13:46
SPEAKER_04: It is in Los Angeles.
13:49
SPEAKER_04: Nonetheless, uh it is warm in here tonight.
13:52
SPEAKER_04: We we do have a uh a great show for you.
13:54
SPEAKER_04: I I gotta tell you, right before I came up to the studio tonight, I was watching the news, just making sure the world's you know still here and not blowing up all over the place.
14:04
SPEAKER_04: And the news ran a story about kids in recess.
14:08
SPEAKER_04: And I know your kids, John, are like real active.
14:10
SPEAKER_04: Like you know volleyball, baseball.
14:13
SPEAKER_04: Volleyball, baseball.
14:14
SPEAKER_04: Actually, I shouldn't say my kids are really active.
14:16
SPEAKER_04: Your kids are really good.
14:17
SPEAKER_06: You send us some money for these kids in sports.
14:20
SPEAKER_04: But Connor's what, doing doing baseball and volleyball.
14:26
SPEAKER_04: Doing volleyball.
14:28
SPEAKER_06: Yep.
14:28
SPEAKER_04: That's a story on the news tonight about recess.
14:32
SPEAKER_04: You remember recess, like like when that was like the best part of the day.
14:37
SPEAKER_04: Pizza Day at lunch and then followed by recess was like the holla, uh, the highlight of school.
14:44
SPEAKER_04: You know?
14:45
SPEAKER_04: And uh this story I'm watching tonight, experts say recesses have been shrinking over the years, worsening children's health.
14:54
SPEAKER_04: Like, we need that.
14:55
SPEAKER_04: There's not enough competition from the Mario and video games and all that other stuff.
15:01
SPEAKER_04: The story says kids get a minimum of 20 minutes of recess every day and multiple breaks, and a lot of schools are cutting recess now.
15:10
SPEAKER_04: How can you cut recess?
15:12
SPEAKER_06: That's all right.
15:13
SPEAKER_04: Like, so many kids don't move at all.
15:16
SPEAKER_04: Okay?
15:17
SPEAKER_06: Recess, I mean, it's in a social environment, first of all.
15:21
SPEAKER_06: Second of all, it gets an active environment.
15:23
SPEAKER_06: Even if they're walking around kicking rocks.
15:26
SPEAKER_04: Well, and and remember all the great games at recess and what it taught us.
15:30
SPEAKER_04: I mean, there were valuable lessons to be learned.
15:33
SPEAKER_04: Like like duck duck goose taught us trust issues, right?
15:39
SPEAKER_04: Alright, dodgeball taught us survival.
15:43
SPEAKER_04: Okay?
15:44
SPEAKER_04: Red Rover taught us how to close line a classmate legally.
15:51
SPEAKER_04: Tag taught us cardio before Fitbits were even a thing.
15:56
SPEAKER_04: Tag taught us betrayal.
15:59
SPEAKER_04: Unfreeze me, bro.
16:00
SPEAKER_04: Come on.
16:01
SPEAKER_04: Bro, unfreeze me.
16:02
SPEAKER_06: And also taught us to prepare for some people to prepare for the police.
16:06
SPEAKER_06: Freeze!
16:07
SPEAKER_04: Right, that's it.
16:08
SPEAKER_04: Heads up seven up.
16:09
SPEAKER_04: Alright, heads up seven up never really taught us anything.
16:12
SPEAKER_04: But you know, Recess prepared us as kids for kind of perfectly when you think about it for adult life.
16:20
SPEAKER_04: Trust issues, survival fittest.
16:27
SPEAKER_04: But when you think about it, all these games prepared us perfectly for adult life.
16:31
SPEAKER_04: Trust issues, survival of the fittest, legally sanctioned violence, brutal social hierarchies, endless running from your problems, backstabbing friends, long stretches of sitting in the dark wondering why the hell you're even there.
16:43
SPEAKER_04: I mean, it was all there.
16:44
SPEAKER_04: You know what I mean?
16:46
SPEAKER_04: And uh we gotta bring recess back.
16:49
SPEAKER_04: These kids need recess.
16:50
SPEAKER_04: That's just all that show.
16:52
SPEAKER_04: Uh listen, we got a great show for you tonight.
16:59
SPEAKER_04: Along with real or fake, real or fake news, and we're coming to the summer break.
17:05
SPEAKER_04: This show and next week's show, the final shows in season five.
17:10
SPEAKER_04: So welcome, my friends.
17:12
SPEAKER_04: This is season five, episode 15 of the Alpha Men Podcast.
17:19
SPEAKER_03: And now, men splaining the news.
17:23
SPEAKER_03: Tuesday night up.
17:28
SPEAKER_04: Here we go.
17:30
SPEAKER_04: Good evening, here's what happened this week.
17:32
SPEAKER_04: Uh the ceasefire with Rand is so shaky it can collapse at any moment.
18:33
SPEAKER_04: He looked like a deer in the headlights.
18:50
SPEAKER_04: Leo has now been a Pope for a year.
18:55
SPEAKER_04: You can tell he's the Americanized uh the Americanized Pope.
19:01
SPEAKER_04: There's a person who can wave running in the front of the in the front yard of the Vatican.
19:09
SPEAKER_04: El Chapo requested a transfer from a US prison to one in Mexico this week.
19:14
SPEAKER_04: Uh if he gets denied, uh he says he'll just tunnel there.
19:23
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
19:23
SPEAKER_06: I watched all the tunnels.
19:24
SPEAKER_06: I mean, I was just kind of obsessed with this guy.
19:26
SPEAKER_06: I mean, his his skill and and his his grit was just inspired.
19:31
SPEAKER_06: I mean for the stuff he did wrong.
19:34
SPEAKER_06: I mean, all the stuff was wrong.
19:35
SPEAKER_06: But I mean, the guy had smart for being a nobody to what he is.
19:40
SPEAKER_04: Details emerged this week that back in the 90s, the Air Force proposed a quote, gay bomb.
19:47
SPEAKER_04: It was full of aphrodisiacs that would make enemy soldiers irresistible to each other.
19:53
SPEAKER_04: Talk about extremely friendly fire.
19:57
SPEAKER_04: I called it Operation Satching Victory, I think, or something.
20:10
SPEAKER_04: Thanks to my American public education.
20:12
SPEAKER_04: I don't know if that's good or bad, but I do know that's like a logical hazard.
20:28
SPEAKER_04: Another way it has really never been a better time to be a cardiologist.
21:29
SPEAKER_04: I'll use that as a danger.
21:31
SPEAKER_04: Who knew that here in the year 2044 there'd be so many strippers named Clarity with a K.
21:41
SPEAKER_04: There's a remote tribe in China where men are considered useless.
21:46
SPEAKER_04: So the women raise their children without that.
21:50
SPEAKER_04: And what are the men doing about it?
21:54
SPEAKER_04: Celebrating is probably my guess.
22:00
SPEAKER_04: Showbiz News Grown Ups 3 is happening.
22:03
SPEAKER_04: Let's be honest, at this point, it's less of a film franchise and more of a jobs program for Adam Sandlish Buddies.
22:10
SPEAKER_04: I mean, that's just uh really what it is.
22:13
SPEAKER_04: Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon will go dark for Steven Colbert Bear's uh final show.
22:20
SPEAKER_04: So instead of not watching the originals, uh, you won't watch the repeats either.
22:25
SPEAKER_04: Uh Conan O'Brien hosting the Academy Awards for the third time, which means he will have hosted more Oscars more of the Oscars than the Tonight Show.
22:37
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, screwed that one up.
22:39
SPEAKER_04: That's alright.
22:40
SPEAKER_04: Kanye West lost a lawsuit this week over an uncleared sample in one of his songs, and uh he's apparently on his meds because he has not yet blamed the Jews.
22:52
SPEAKER_04: Yet.
22:54
SPEAKER_04: Uh Mark Hamill apologizing for posting a photo of President Trump in a grave.
22:59
SPEAKER_04: He should.
23:00
SPEAKER_04: Even Yoda was like, a douchebag, you are.
23:03
SPEAKER_04: Um Jerry O'Connell revealing his real name is Michael.
23:10
SPEAKER_04: And I was like, okay, Michael, can I get another diet Pepsi?
23:13
SPEAKER_04: Some extra blue cheese for my wings, please.
23:15
SPEAKER_04: I just that's really I don't care.
23:19
SPEAKER_04: Hey uh musical based on Weird Al Yankovic.
23:23
SPEAKER_04: Where's Michelle?
23:24
SPEAKER_04: She's gonna be commenting.
23:26
SPEAKER_04: Musical based on Weird Al Yankovic is in the works.
23:30
SPEAKER_04: It's called Dare to Be Stupid.
23:32
SPEAKER_04: They might have to change that though, because it's also the motto of AOC.
23:40
SPEAKER_04: Rapper Kodak Black arrested for drug trafficking in Florida this week.
23:46
SPEAKER_04: I'm uh intrigued to see how this affects his rivalry with rapper Fujifilm White.
23:54
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
23:55
SPEAKER_04: And finally, Minneapolis will host an event this summer honoring Prince.
24:01
SPEAKER_04: And remember, Vikings fans, this is as close to a downtown party as you're ever gonna get.
24:07
SPEAKER_04: Well, that's man's planning the news tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
24:22
SPEAKER_04: Holy crap, it's hot in here.
24:27
SPEAKER_04: It is hot in here.
24:29
SPEAKER_06: It's nice in here.
24:30
SPEAKER_06: I'm actually kind of a little chilly.
24:33
SPEAKER_06: Alright, welcome to the random facts.
24:34
SPEAKER_06: We have five random facts for y'all.
24:38
SPEAKER_06: So these are pretty good ones.
24:41
SPEAKER_06: Actually, I almost added a couple more, but I was like, uh, this will work.
24:44
SPEAKER_06: Because he said five, so I have to do five.
24:47
SPEAKER_06: There's a lot of cool facts in this world.
24:49
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
24:50
SPEAKER_06: All right.
24:51
SPEAKER_06: Hopefully you learned something from this.
24:53
SPEAKER_06: You know, Calasco's uh$1.50 hot dog instead of combo?
24:57
SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
24:58
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
24:59
SPEAKER_06: I mean, who hasn't?
25:00
SPEAKER_06: I mean, it's so popular uh that Calostos around the country serve 124 million hot dogs a year.
25:10
SPEAKER_09: Wow.
25:11
SPEAKER_06: That's a lot of hot dogs.
25:12
SPEAKER_09: A lot of hot dogs.
25:14
SPEAKER_06: That's around six times more than hot dogs than all major baseball parks, stadiums combined.
25:23
SPEAKER_06: And there's a lot of baseball games going on.
25:25
SPEAKER_06: I mean, most you gotta think most parks.
25:27
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, but still there's still a lot, there's still a lot of baseball games going on.
25:30
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and the hiking baseball park is only like$27.
25:34
SPEAKER_06: So Yeah, and a$40 beer.
25:38
SPEAKER_04: This one was by the way, adjusted for inflation, that$1.50 hot dog and soda combo should really today, if if if they allowed for inflation and everything, it's been the same price forever, should really be uh four dollars and seventy-five cents.
25:54
SPEAKER_04: But the CEO, the CEO of Costco will not let them raise it because it it brings people to the store.
26:01
SPEAKER_06: So yeah, they're gonna spend that dollar fifty and then spend another thirteen hundred.
26:06
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, right.
26:07
SPEAKER_04: Absolutely.
26:08
SPEAKER_06: All right.
26:08
SPEAKER_06: So this one was a really cool fact, which I I was very surprised by this.
26:13
SPEAKER_06: Did you know Big Bird almost died in space?
26:17
SPEAKER_04: I did not know that.
26:19
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
26:20
SPEAKER_06: Uh Carol Spinney, the puppeteer who applied Big Bird, yeah, was invited, was invited to fly on the Challenger as Big Bird to get more kids interested in NASA.
26:29
SPEAKER_04: Uh-huh.
26:29
SPEAKER_06: But but NASA said the costume didn't fit, so he couldn't go.
26:33
SPEAKER_04: And instead, they uh picked the first teacher in space.
26:38
SPEAKER_05: Uh-huh.
26:39
SPEAKER_04: And Krista McAuliffe, who was from New Hampshire, I think, I think Manchester.
26:45
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, it was that area.
26:47
SPEAKER_04: Uh, and uh, well, you know the rest of the story, but uh it's a good thing Big Bird didn't get blown up.
26:53
SPEAKER_04: Can you imagine how traumatic that would have been for kids everywhere?
26:56
SPEAKER_04: That would have been awful.
26:59
SPEAKER_06: Alright, so the Guinness Bulls Rec the Guinness Book of World Records exists because the director of Guinness Breweries, the beer, had an argument in 1951 over which gay bird is faster.
27:13
SPEAKER_06: Like the gay birds.
27:15
SPEAKER_06: Okay, the golden the golden pulver or the red goose?
27:19
SPEAKER_04: Grouse.
27:20
SPEAKER_06: Grouse.
27:22
unknown: Yeah.
27:22
SPEAKER_06: Same thing.
27:24
SPEAKER_06: Um he thought there should be a book to help settle, you know, arguments, you know, people back and forth.
27:29
SPEAKER_06: Y'all this, you know, this this coin shining together, whatever.
27:32
SPEAKER_06: Right, right, right.
27:32
SPEAKER_06: So he so he so he created the the book of world records.
27:36
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
27:37
SPEAKER_06: So, and by the way, the fastest bird is the golden pulver, by the way.
27:42
SPEAKER_04: Okay, there you go.
27:45
SPEAKER_06: So that's pretty neat.
27:46
SPEAKER_04: They actually distributed um when the book first came out in 1951 to bars all over the UK for free.
27:54
SPEAKER_04: So every bar had a copy of the Guinness Book of World.
27:58
SPEAKER_06: I didn't know that.
27:58
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
27:59
unknown: Yeah.
27:59
SPEAKER_06: Cool.
28:00
SPEAKER_06: I wonder if it's anything still out there.
28:01
SPEAKER_04: That's 35 years of useless trivia knowledge on the radio stations in this country.
28:05
SPEAKER_04: That's what that is right there, my friend.
28:07
SPEAKER_04: Go ahead.
28:11
SPEAKER_04: Uh-huh.
28:12
SPEAKER_06: This is one Google search takes more computing power than the entire moon landing mission in 1969.
28:21
SPEAKER_04: Well, that I mean, that's if you believe that we actually landed.
28:24
SPEAKER_06: I mean Oh, so you're a flat you're a flat Earth guy.
28:27
SPEAKER_04: No, no, I'm just kidding.
28:28
SPEAKER_04: I'm just kidding.
28:29
SPEAKER_04: No.
28:30
SPEAKER_04: No, but uh honestly, a lot of calculators have more computer.
28:34
SPEAKER_06: I mean, our phones.
28:35
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I mean, our phones are like, I mean, this is put 50,000 rockets in the sky back then.
28:42
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, there you go.
28:43
SPEAKER_04: Alrighty, number five.
28:45
SPEAKER_06: Hey, okay, the final one, the state that manufactures the most guns is What do you think?
28:52
SPEAKER_04: Uh let me guess.
28:56
SPEAKER_04: Florida?
28:57
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, uh no.
28:58
SPEAKER_06: It's not Florida.
29:00
SPEAKER_06: And this is based on total gun production volume, not the most manufactured licenses.
29:04
unknown: Okay.
29:05
SPEAKER_04: It's New Hampshire.
29:05
SPEAKER_06: It's New Hampshire.
29:07
SPEAKER_04: Home to six hours.
29:08
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, then it's followed by Minnesota, Florida, North Carolina, and Mississippi.
29:12
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
29:12
SPEAKER_04: Oh, that's in the top three.
29:14
SPEAKER_04: There we go.
29:14
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
29:15
SPEAKER_04: All right.
29:16
SPEAKER_04: That's pretty cool.
29:17
SPEAKER_04: John, random facts tonight.
29:20
SPEAKER_04: Five random facts delivered to your thick skull, so hope you learned something for the album podcast.
29:55
SPEAKER_04: Slap a powdered wig on it, and ask what would George Thomas Ben and the boys think if they time traveled to 2026 today.
30:04
SPEAKER_04: And tonight in the crosshairs, the D E I E S G movement.
30:10
SPEAKER_04: All right.
30:11
SPEAKER_06: What's a powdered wig?
30:13
SPEAKER_04: A powdered wig?
30:14
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
30:15
SPEAKER_04: I mean what George Washington wore.
30:17
SPEAKER_06: Why do they call it a powdered wig?
30:19
SPEAKER_04: Because there was powder in it to make it white.
30:22
SPEAKER_06: Huh.
30:22
SPEAKER_06: You said it all season.
30:24
SPEAKER_06: I'm like, what is a powdered wig?
30:25
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
30:26
SPEAKER_06: Should have been a fact for next week, damn it.
30:28
SPEAKER_04: There you go.
30:29
SPEAKER_04: Uh tonight in the crosshairs, the DEI ESG movement.
30:34
SPEAKER_04: Now, you know a fact, the Founding Fathers would not survive modern corporate America for more than six minutes.
30:41
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
30:42
SPEAKER_04: George Washington would walk into one HR meeting and immediately cross the Delaware again just to get away from these people.
30:49
SPEAKER_04: I mean, if you can imagine explaining DEI training, diversity, equity, and inclusion to the guys who literally wrote all men are created equal with a feather pen by candlelight.
31:02
SPEAKER_04: You'd have Thomas Jefferson sitting there like, hold on.
31:05
SPEAKER_04: So now before we hire the blacksmith, we gotta analyze the intersexual lived experiences of the horseshoe community.
31:15
SPEAKER_04: Benjamin Franklin would get canceled before lunch by HR.
31:19
SPEAKER_04: Ben Franklin was the original unsupervised podcast guy.
31:26
SPEAKER_04: The dude that invented electricity and bifocals, the lightning rod, and probably half of the inappropriate jokes in Philadelphia during the colony time.
31:38
SPEAKER_04: Modern HR would have had Ben Franklin in mandatory sensitivity training by tomorrow morning.
31:46
SPEAKER_04: Benjamin, several employees reported feeling unsafe after your maids prefer older statesman comment.
31:54
SPEAKER_04: And Franklin would be like, Madam, I literally discovered electricity with a kite.
31:59
SPEAKER_04: You know, these guys would lose their minds over corporate ESG scores, too.
32:06
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, imagine explaining to George Washington that companies are now graded on diversity metrics, carbon emissions, and social governance policies.
32:17
SPEAKER_04: He'd be like, wait a minute.
32:19
SPEAKER_04: Let me get this correct.
32:20
SPEAKER_04: Your company loses money, the employees hate working here, the customers hate shopping here, but the board receives an award because the office recycling bins are emotionally inclusive.
32:36
SPEAKER_04: What are we doing here?
32:38
SPEAKER_04: The Founding Fathers fought the most powerful empire on earth.
32:43
SPEAKER_04: And modern executives are scared to use the phrase you guys in an email.
32:49
SPEAKER_04: You ever read corporate emails now?
32:51
SPEAKER_04: Nobody says anything anymore.
32:53
SPEAKER_04: Hello, team! Just circling back to create an inclusive dialogue around the coffee creamer experience moving forward.
33:03
SPEAKER_04: Bro.
33:05
SPEAKER_04: Who stole the freaking French vanilla?
33:08
SPEAKER_04: That's what you put in the email.
33:10
SPEAKER_04: Say it with your chest.
33:12
SPEAKER_04: These guys dumped tea into the man uh into the harbor because they were angry about taxes.
33:17
SPEAKER_04: Can you imagine them seeing a modern HR department with 47 vice presidents of workplace culture?
33:26
SPEAKER_04: John Adams would be like, wait a minute, this company has no machinists, no salesman, no one building the product, but there are four people managing pronouns on Slack.
33:40
SPEAKER_04: Even the language doesn't sound right anymore.
33:44
SPEAKER_04: It sounds fake.
33:47
SPEAKER_04: We don't fire any people.
33:49
SPEAKER_04: We don't fire people anymore.
33:51
SPEAKER_04: We transition them into new opportunities.
33:55
SPEAKER_04: We don't disagree.
33:56
SPEAKER_04: We create tension with collaborative spaces.
34:00
SPEAKER_04: We don't have bad employees.
34:02
SPEAKER_04: We have under-supported contributors navigating performance challenges.
34:09
SPEAKER_04: Brother George Washington defeated the British in winter with wooden teeth.
34:14
SPEAKER_04: Nobody was navigating performances challenges.
34:18
SPEAKER_04: And ESG investing is hilarious.
34:22
SPEAKER_04: Sir, this company lost eight billion dollars! Yes, and we reduced the paper straw anxiety.
34:29
SPEAKER_04: Approved?
34:31
SPEAKER_04: The founding fathers would be so confused by modern corporations pretending to be governments because every company now acts like they're saving humanity.
34:42
SPEAKER_04: Dude, you just sell sneakers.
34:45
SPEAKER_04: Relax.
34:47
SPEAKER_04: Why does every shoe company sound like they're negotiating peace in the Middle East?
34:53
SPEAKER_04: At Nike, we're committed to elevating diverse voices through sustainable pathways towards global equity.
35:03
SPEAKER_04: You make freaking running shoes.
35:07
SPEAKER_04: Meanwhile, the Founding Fathers are looking like we formed a republic, and somehow Dave from Human Resources now controls speech more aggressively than King George.
35:18
SPEAKER_04: You know, the Declaration of Independence today would have been stopped by legal.
35:25
SPEAKER_04: You know, Thomas, we love your passion here, but phrases like tyranny and oppression that may create an exclusionary workplace energy.
35:36
SPEAKER_04: And there is no chance, zero chance, that they'd survive a modern diversity seminar.
35:44
SPEAKER_04: You'd have a 26-year-old corporate consulting explaining unconscious bias to a bunch of guys who fought in actual musket battles.
35:55
SPEAKER_04: You know, George, when you say men, some employees may feel unseen.
36:03
SPEAKER_04: And Washington would be sitting there like, you know, at Valley Forge, we were freezing to death wearing blankets made of dead horse fabric.
36:11
SPEAKER_04: No one felt seen.
36:14
SPEAKER_04: They believed in freedom, merit, independency, personal responsibility, and most importantly, meaning what you say and saying what you mean.
36:25
SPEAKER_04: Modern corporate culture is the exact opposite.
36:29
SPEAKER_04: Nobody says what they mean anymore.
36:31
SPEAKER_04: Everything sounds like a hostage negotiation written by LinkedIn.
36:36
SPEAKER_04: Honestly, if the Founding Fathers came back today, they wouldn't start another revolution over taxes.
36:43
SPEAKER_04: They'd start one after attending a mandatory two-hour Zoom seminar called Catering and Centering Equity through non-hierarchical communication pathways.
36:55
SPEAKER_04: That would have been the second Boston Tea Party right there.
36:59
SPEAKER_04: And that's Founding Fathers would not agree tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
37:46
SPEAKER_01: Step forward and plead your case.
37:48
SPEAKER_01: Just know the verdict was probably decided before you started talking.
38:08
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
38:09
SPEAKER_06: Um rise.
38:15
SPEAKER_06: Definitely questionable and honorable.
38:17
SPEAKER_06: TJ is presiding.
38:20
SPEAKER_04: Thanks, Bear to Justice.
38:21
SPEAKER_04: Uh, you send your domestic disputes in, and we haul them into mancourt for a ruling that'll hold up in any part of America.
38:27
SPEAKER_04: If you've got a problem that needs solving, you can visit any of our social media pages and drop your mancourt dilemma in a uh DM.
38:35
SPEAKER_06: You can join the free jury by just commenting wherever you are or watching tonight uh to give us our plaintiff some advice and just hit the comment button.
38:43
SPEAKER_04: All right.
38:44
SPEAKER_04: Let's dive into uh tonight's case.
38:45
SPEAKER_04: We have a docket number.
38:47
SPEAKER_06: Yep, 260-519.
38:49
SPEAKER_06: The plaintiff is Marcus from Flagstaff, Flagstaff, Arizona.
38:54
SPEAKER_06: A case of the weekend warrior warrant.
39:00
SPEAKER_04: Case of the weekend warrior warrant.
39:03
SPEAKER_04: All right.
39:04
SPEAKER_04: Uh TJ, baby Huey, and the Futuri.
39:08
SPEAKER_04: My name is Marcus.
39:10
SPEAKER_04: I'm from Flagstaff, Arizona, and I'm writing you halfway through a 12-year sentence.
39:17
SPEAKER_04: I need relief from the weekend warrior warrant.
39:21
SPEAKER_04: My wife's never-ending list of weekend projects that are slowly destroying my soul.
39:29
SPEAKER_04: Your Honor, I work 52 to 55 hours a week as a heavy equipment operator.
39:35
SPEAKER_04: Go ahead, say it.
39:37
SPEAKER_04: Go ahead.
39:37
SPEAKER_04: Go ahead.
39:39
SPEAKER_04: I remember my first part-time job.
39:41
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, go ahead.
39:42
SPEAKER_06: I definitely remember my first part-time job.
39:44
SPEAKER_06: Now I have a part-time job.
39:46
SPEAKER_06: Work 40 hours, that's it.
39:48
SPEAKER_06: It feels so weird.
39:49
SPEAKER_04: Uh, when Friday hits, all I want is two days to hunt, fish, watch some ball, maybe fix a thing around the house or two, if I feel like it.
40:00
SPEAKER_04: Every weekend, my wife has other plans.
40:04
SPEAKER_04: Exhibit A.
40:05
SPEAKER_04: Every single Friday night, she hits me with the quote list.
40:11
SPEAKER_04: It's never one thing.
40:13
SPEAKER_04: It's a scroll that would rival Santa Claus's naughty or nice list.
40:17
SPEAKER_04: Last weekend's list included Build New Raised Garden beds, power wash the house, fix dripping kitchen faucet, move pile of rocks from driveway to the backyard, finally hang the curtains we bought in 2023.
40:33
SPEAKER_04: Sounds like my house.
40:37
SPEAKER_04: Exhibit B.
40:38
SPEAKER_04: When I told her I was exhausted and just wanted one weekend off, she hit me with this nuclear line.
40:45
SPEAKER_04: You never quote, you never help around the house.
40:51
SPEAKER_04: Never Ma'am, I built the damn deck.
40:55
SPEAKER_04: I installed the garage shelving.
40:57
SPEAKER_04: I fixed the swamp cooler twice this summer.
41:00
SPEAKER_04: I'm not a handyman, I'm a married man who's slowly being worked to death on the weekends.
41:06
SPEAKER_04: And then exhibit C The smoking honeydew list.
41:12
SPEAKER_04: This Saturday, she woke me at 7 15 AM, standing over the bed holding a coffee and a clipboard like a prison warden.
41:23
SPEAKER_04: She said I made your coffee, so you can be ready to start on the fence.
41:30
SPEAKER_04: The coffee was cold.
41:31
SPEAKER_04: The fence doesn't even need fixing.
41:35
SPEAKER_04: Relief requested.
41:37
SPEAKER_04: A court order limiting honeydew projects to one reasonable task per weekend, pre-approved by Friday at 5 PM.
41:46
SPEAKER_04: The freak jury to declare that men who work full time are allowed at least one guilt-free weekend per month.
41:53
SPEAKER_04: Emotional damages.
41:55
SPEAKER_04: One full weekend off with no projects and no quote while you're up requests.
42:03
SPEAKER_04: No disappointed sighs.
42:06
SPEAKER_04: And punitive for every unauthorized project added, she has to spend one Saturday doing something I want to do.
42:15
SPEAKER_04: Even if it's sitting in a deer stand in silence for eight hours.
42:24
SPEAKER_04: Respectfully and extremely tired, Marcus in Flagstaff, Arizona.
42:32
SPEAKER_06: Two weekends off a month.
42:33
SPEAKER_06: One every other weekend.
42:36
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
42:37
SPEAKER_06: That's what I feel.
42:38
SPEAKER_06: I feel that you're if you're working, is she working?
42:43
SPEAKER_04: It doesn't say.
42:44
SPEAKER_04: That's a good question.
42:45
SPEAKER_06: I mean, my wife doesn't work full-time, so but she's a full-time mom, so she does work full-time because I wouldn't want to do her job.
42:52
SPEAKER_06: I won't tell her that all the time.
42:54
SPEAKER_06: But um props off to moms.
42:59
SPEAKER_06: But um deserve at least one or two weekends off a month not to do anything.
43:05
SPEAKER_06: Just do you.
43:06
SPEAKER_06: I would just do you.
43:08
SPEAKER_06: She does not hang currents, Michelle says.
43:10
SPEAKER_04: Having seven projects lined up every weekend seems a tad excessive.
43:16
SPEAKER_04: Does it not?
43:17
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
43:17
SPEAKER_06: It seems a lot excessive.
43:19
SPEAKER_04: Freak jury, what do you think of the case we presented tonight on Mancourt?
43:22
SPEAKER_04: You can comment with your advice uh uh for our verdict and uh advice from Marcus.
43:28
SPEAKER_04: And uh if you comment tonight, it'll pop up on the screen.
43:31
SPEAKER_04: Michelle's saying, Does she know how to hang curtains?
43:36
SPEAKER_04: Good question.
43:37
SPEAKER_04: Very, very good question.
43:40
SPEAKER_04: In fact, we're all about equality on this show.
43:44
SPEAKER_04: Which means if he can do it, so can she.
43:48
SPEAKER_04: Right?
43:50
SPEAKER_04: So if he's plugging off five, six different weekly chores on the weekend every weekend while she's shopping for new shoes.
44:01
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's a problem.
44:02
SPEAKER_04: Is it not?
44:04
SPEAKER_06: Just as also everyone needs a day to vegetate and stare at the wall once in a while.
44:09
SPEAKER_06: Or a fire.
44:10
SPEAKER_04: Or the wall.
44:11
SPEAKER_04: Absolutely.
44:15
SPEAKER_04: I don't think we have to deliberate much more on this one either.
44:18
unknown: No.
44:19
SPEAKER_04: Uh Marcus, you did not sign up to be a part-time construction worker on his only two days off.
44:28
SPEAKER_04: You already have a full-time job operating big heavy machinery, which by the way, is probably a pretty fun job.
44:38
SPEAKER_04: But the man moves boulders for a living.
44:41
SPEAKER_04: He shouldn't have to come home and move smaller boulders because they'd look better by the fence.
44:47
SPEAKER_04: And look, a man's weekend is a man's weekend.
44:51
SPEAKER_04: It's a sacred thing.
44:53
SPEAKER_04: It's it's not a blank canvas for your Pinterest board, ma'am.
44:57
SPEAKER_04: One project per weekend is more than reasonable.
45:00
SPEAKER_04: And any more than that, you're running a bed and breakfast for unpaid labor.
45:06
SPEAKER_04: The cold coffee and clipboard at 7.15?
45:09
SPEAKER_04: That's a war crime.
45:12
SPEAKER_04: That's not how you motivate him, ma'am.
45:15
SPEAKER_04: Okay?
45:16
SPEAKER_04: That's how you create a domestic terrorist.
45:20
SPEAKER_04: After careful review of the evidence and listening to Marcus's soul-crushing testimony, and imagining that terrifying clipboard of doom, this court has reached a decision guilty.
45:37
SPEAKER_04: Defendant hereby found of aggravated weekend slavery, honeydew list proliferation, chronic abuse of the phrase while you're up.
45:48
SPEAKER_04: Sentencing.
45:50
SPEAKER_04: The defendant limited to one pre-approved project per weekend.
45:54
SPEAKER_04: Said project must be submitted in writing by Friday at 5.
45:58
SPEAKER_04: No amendments allowed after happy hour.
46:02
SPEAKER_04: Marcus is granted one fully guilt-free weekend per month.
46:07
SPEAKER_04: No projects, no quick favors, no disappointed sighs when he sits on the couch.
46:12
SPEAKER_04: He can hunt, he can fish, he can watch sports, or he can just stare at the wall if he wants to.
46:19
SPEAKER_04: Doesn't matter.
46:20
SPEAKER_04: And Marcus moving forward, next time she starts making a list, look her dead in the eyes and say, Baby, I'm not a husband, I'm a union worker.
46:31
SPEAKER_04: My weekend rates are triple.
46:35
SPEAKER_04: Keep a second clipboard titled Marcus' Weekend.
46:39
SPEAKER_04: And when she gives you her list, hand her yours that just says, drink beer, watch ball, touch grass.
46:48
SPEAKER_04: When she ever pulls that you never help around the house line again, remind her that you once built the entire deck and threaten to go on strike until she remembers what life was like when you didn't.
47:03
SPEAKER_06: Remember, she still has something.
47:09
SPEAKER_04: Go take a nap.
47:10
SPEAKER_04: You earned it.
47:11
SPEAKER_04: Court is adjourned.
47:14
SPEAKER_01: On this week's episode of Armchair Legend, we break down sports like we're on the peril without ever leaving the couch.
47:21
SPEAKER_01: We've got bold takes, zero coaching credentials, and just enough confidence to tell the pros exactly what they can draw.
47:34
SPEAKER_01: Go.
47:35
SPEAKER_04: If I had to wear that thing any longer, I was gonna burst into flames.
47:41
SPEAKER_06: I'm hoping to get you on the sports one lately.
47:43
SPEAKER_06: You're still sitting there going, oh shit.
47:46
SPEAKER_04: Armchair Legends tonight, Washington Wizards won the NBA draft lottery this week.
47:51
SPEAKER_04: Uh it's the only thing they'll win this year, but they they did win the draft lottery.
47:56
SPEAKER_06: That's what's still going on.
47:58
SPEAKER_04: Florida Judge has uh approved prosecutors' request to subpoena Tiger Woods prescription for uh prescription drug records.
48:09
SPEAKER_04: Well, you thought a CVS receipt was long.
48:12
SPEAKER_04: Well, you see that baby.
48:15
SPEAKER_04: Josh Allen this week shared photos of his newborn.
48:20
SPEAKER_04: It is uh hard to think of Josh Allen as a dad.
48:24
SPEAKER_04: Uh it's even harder to think of him as a Super Bowl champion.
48:28
SPEAKER_04: Just say.
48:32
SPEAKER_04: Aaron Rodgers uh will play for the Steelers again.
48:35
SPEAKER_04: That broke this week.
48:37
SPEAKER_04: So at least we know one thing about his mystery wife.
48:41
SPEAKER_04: She must be annoying as hell to be around.
48:47
SPEAKER_04: He's a big part of the uh Steelers' plan to return to round one of the playoffs.
48:53
SPEAKER_04: Uh anyway, NBA playoffs cooking tonight, right now, Madison Square Garden, Eastern Conference Finals, kicking off with the Cavs and the New York Knicks.
49:01
SPEAKER_04: Game one.
49:02
SPEAKER_04: Cleveland just survived a bloodbath against Detroit in game seven.
49:06
SPEAKER_04: New York strutting like they already ordered championship hats.
49:10
SPEAKER_04: And well, that might be thanks to that WWE guy Danhausen.
49:15
SPEAKER_04: He uncursed them.
49:16
SPEAKER_04: I don't know if you saw that, but uh I expect the Knicks fans to treat this like a Broadway musical.
49:22
SPEAKER_04: Equal parts, drama, screaming, and uh questionable decisions.
49:26
SPEAKER_04: Tip off was at eight tonight on ESPN, so by now we're probably already seeing why Donovan Donovan Mitchell costs so much in therapy bills for opposing defenses.
49:35
SPEAKER_04: Out west, uh Oklahoma City Thunder, San Antonio Spurs gearing up for their own conference final showdown.
49:41
SPEAKER_04: Uh Sean Gilgas Alexander just uh cast the MVP check, making defenders look like traffic cones, and Victor Wembanyama, which is fun to say, by the way.
49:54
SPEAKER_06: By the way, the next are 23.
49:56
SPEAKER_06: Cowboys are 16 right now.
49:58
SPEAKER_04: There you go.
49:58
SPEAKER_04: Uh Victor Wembenyama is uh over there building a legacy taller than most buildings in San Antonio.
50:05
SPEAKER_04: Siri's gonna be appointment television.
50:07
SPEAKER_04: Catch that later tonight, or therapy, depending on how your bracket's doing.
50:11
SPEAKER_04: Major League Baseball, full swing in May, and the standings are deliciously weird.
50:16
SPEAKER_04: The Tampa Bay Rays somehow sitting pretty atop the AL East around 30 and 15, proving that baseball still runs on Chaos Magic.
50:26
SPEAKER_06: Uh the Sox are down 11.
50:28
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
50:29
SPEAKER_04: Yankees uh are uh chasing them.
50:32
SPEAKER_04: Of course, they're allergic to not being relevant.
50:34
SPEAKER_04: In the uh NL, the Atlanta Braves rolling with one of the best records in baseball.
50:39
SPEAKER_04: While somewhere in course field, a starting pitcher is crying into his altitude mask after another Homer barrage.
50:45
SPEAKER_04: Uh NHL playoffs.
50:48
SPEAKER_04: Uh we're in that weird space in the NHL.
50:51
SPEAKER_04: The pre-conference finals, it's kind of a breathing period.
50:55
SPEAKER_04: The western side is shaping up for a heavyweight clash between the Colorado Avalanche and the Vegas Golden Knights.
51:02
SPEAKER_04: In the East, we're waiting on the winner of Buffalo, Montreal, that mess uh to face the Carolina Hurricanes.
51:08
SPEAKER_04: So um hockey right now is basically who can bleed the least while still scoring.
51:13
SPEAKER_06: And uh Well no, the Hurricanes are playing the Canyons Thursday.
51:17
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
51:18
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
51:18
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
51:19
SPEAKER_04: All right.
51:19
SPEAKER_06: That's all I talk.
51:20
SPEAKER_06: That's all that's all I talk about down here.
51:22
SPEAKER_06: And my boss is a huge, huge.
51:24
SPEAKER_04: So the Buffalo Montreal thing was settled last night.
51:27
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
51:28
SPEAKER_06: Okay.
51:28
SPEAKER_06: Um the game six.
51:33
SPEAKER_04: Who'd have even thought they had a hockey team in Carolina?
51:36
SPEAKER_04: Holy crap.
51:38
SPEAKER_04: It's like the hockey team.
51:39
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, they won.
51:40
SPEAKER_04: Hockey team in Florida.
51:42
SPEAKER_04: What are you doing?
51:43
SPEAKER_04: It's not even ice there.
51:45
SPEAKER_04: You know?
51:48
SPEAKER_04: Uh that's Armchair Legends tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
51:56
SPEAKER_01: And now the Red Foreman Awards, where you make dumb choices, you will win dumbass awards.
52:02
SPEAKER_09: Dumbass.
52:03
SPEAKER_09: You dumbass.
52:16
SPEAKER_04: It is 7,000 degrees in the studio tonight.
52:19
SPEAKER_06: You've wait bitched every segment.
52:22
SPEAKER_04: I'm sorry.
52:24
SPEAKER_04: It just is.
52:27
SPEAKER_04: You see the beads of sweat coming down my face?
52:30
SPEAKER_06: I mean, it's so hot.
52:31
SPEAKER_06: It's so comfortable in here.
52:32
SPEAKER_06: She's walking around naked.
52:35
SPEAKER_04: I know she already sent me pictures.
52:37
SPEAKER_06: Um I'll turn the camera.
52:39
SPEAKER_06: I'll just kid I would do that to you.
52:43
SPEAKER_04: Uh, welcome to the Red Foreman Awards on the uh Alpha Med podcast, the only award show where the uh trophy is a size 12 steel-toed boot delivered straight to the rear end, brought to you by Point Place's patron, Saint of Dumbass Justice himself from that 70s show, Red Foreman.
52:59
SPEAKER_04: Tonight we're handing out golden Foremans to the absolute cream of the crop, mouth-breathing, window-looking, Darwin award-contending morons who are single-handedly keeping the gene pool from evolving too fast.
53:11
SPEAKER_04: Real people, real stupidity, zero excuses.
53:15
SPEAKER_04: And uh, let's get to it.
53:17
SPEAKER_04: The swallowed the evidence like a damn idiot award.
53:21
SPEAKER_04: And the envelope, please.
53:23
SPEAKER_04: Goes to 32-year-old Jalen Gilder from Texas tonight.
53:28
SPEAKER_04: Now, here's the story.
53:30
SPEAKER_04: Uh, this genius from the uh Lone Star State sold stole$770,000 worth of diamond earrings from Tiffany's in Florida.
53:44
SPEAKER_04: And then decided the best place to hide them was uh in his wrecked them.
53:54
SPEAKER_04: He swallowed them.
53:57
SPEAKER_01: Nice job, dumbass!
54:00
SPEAKER_04: Um wrecked him, damn near killed him.
54:03
SPEAKER_04: Anyway.
54:06
SPEAKER_04: He swallowed him down his throat.
54:08
SPEAKER_04: Uh when cops caught him, he hit him with the all-time classic.
54:13
SPEAKER_04: Hey, am I gonna be charged with uh what's in my intestines?
54:18
SPEAKER_04: Uh he later regretted that life choice, saying, I should have just thrown him out the window.
54:24
SPEAKER_04: It's too late now, buddy.
54:26
SPEAKER_04: Uh he's representing himself at trial because apparently he thinks he's a better lawyer than the public defender.
54:34
SPEAKER_06: And uh that's possible.
54:37
SPEAKER_04: Jathan also passed the earnings in jail, so some bonus mystery earnings that weren't even from this heist.
54:47
SPEAKER_04: Man's stomach is a lost and found.
54:50
SPEAKER_04: Uh congratulations, Jathan.
54:53
SPEAKER_04: You're a walking security risk and a certified dumbass.
54:58
SPEAKER_04: Next up, the vandalizing the police station because I'm a genius award goes to Marvin Walker Jr.
55:05
SPEAKER_04: from Tacoma, Washington.
55:09
SPEAKER_04: Now, hey, really?
55:11
SPEAKER_04: We gotta be we can't be too hard on Marvel.
55:17
SPEAKER_04: I really did what you or I would do.
55:20
SPEAKER_04: I mean, imagine this, it's 2 a.m.
55:22
SPEAKER_04: and you decide it's a great idea to start chucking chunks of concrete at the Tacoma police headquarters gate.
55:31
SPEAKER_04: And the cops just walked outside and they're like, huh.
55:36
SPEAKER_04: Look at that shit.
55:38
SPEAKER_04: When they searched him, they find the giant metal O from the word police in his hoodie pocket.
55:45
SPEAKER_04: Uh now Marvel claims he found it on the ground.
55:49
SPEAKER_04: Fresh Primark said otherwise.
55:52
SPEAKER_04: So now he's facing multiple malicious mischief and trespassing charges.
55:56
SPEAKER_04: Marvel, my man, uh, you didn't just mess with the police.
56:01
SPEAKER_04: You literally stole their own sign while they were home.
56:05
SPEAKER_04: Outstanding.
56:07
SPEAKER_04: Outstanding.
56:08
SPEAKER_04: One of them.
56:11
SPEAKER_04: The uh next award is our drunk drone douchebag award.
56:18
SPEAKER_04: Wanna guess where it's coming from?
56:20
SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna say Minnesota.
56:23
SPEAKER_04: No.
56:25
SPEAKER_04: 34-year-old Richard Carpenter from Yes, Florida.
56:30
SPEAKER_06: Let me guess.
56:30
SPEAKER_06: Hold on, let me say I'm gonna say Pensacola.
56:35
SPEAKER_04: Uh, probably.
56:36
SPEAKER_04: Oh, it's all right.
56:37
SPEAKER_04: Doesn't really say, it just says Florida.
56:40
SPEAKER_04: Now, Richard had a few too many and decided to terrorize a delivery driver by buzzing his parked car with a drone.
56:52
SPEAKER_04: When the guy didn't appreciate the splitting blades in his face, Richard reached into the car and tried to wrestle the man's phone away from him.
57:00
SPEAKER_04: He told police he thought the driver was following, and the driver was just delivering pizza.
57:08
SPEAKER_04: Richard?
57:10
SPEAKER_04: Turning paranoid drunk knights into felony charges?
57:13
SPEAKER_04: Brilliant.
57:15
SPEAKER_04: Just brilliant.
57:16
SPEAKER_04: Dumbass.
57:18
SPEAKER_04: Next, the Hoppy Highway Jackass Award.
57:22
SPEAKER_04: Wanna guess where it's going?
57:28
SPEAKER_04: Florida, yeah, you guessed it.
57:30
SPEAKER_04: Thanks for playing along.
57:31
SPEAKER_04: The uh winner tonight, 29-year-old Dalton Hubbard.
57:37
SPEAKER_04: This absolute legend led police on a 120 mile per hour chase while wearing a full bunny helmet with giant plush ears, blue eyes, and a pink nose.
57:50
SPEAKER_04: Not a full suit, just a helmet.
57:52
SPEAKER_04: Because nothing says getaway like looking like the Easter bunny on bath salts.
57:57
SPEAKER_04: He's facing reckless driving, fleeing, speeding, weapons charges.
58:03
SPEAKER_04: Dalton, you just didn't run from the cops.
58:05
SPEAKER_04: You hopped from them.
58:08
SPEAKER_04: I guess.
58:09
SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
58:10
SPEAKER_04: Absolute Florida man hall of fame material right there.
58:15
SPEAKER_04: And finally, the Bong Bandit Bonehead Trio Award.
58:21
SPEAKER_04: We have a tie, ladies and gentlemen.
58:24
SPEAKER_04: Logan Kelly, Damon Wife, and Caden Cooper.
58:30
SPEAKER_04: All 18 or 19 years old from Oklahoma.
58:35
SPEAKER_04: These three long-haired legends broke into a gas station with a hammer, stole two bongs worth 400 bucks, and got caught one block away.
58:46
SPEAKER_04: The broken windows, about$2,000.
58:50
SPEAKER_04: When asked how their brilliant plan fell apart so fast, the police sergeant said.
58:57
SPEAKER_04: I don't really know if they really had a plan put together or not.
59:02
SPEAKER_04: Shocker.
59:04
SPEAKER_04: You didn't just steal bongs, gentlemen.
59:07
SPEAKER_04: You stole the award for the most pathetic burglary of the week.
59:12
SPEAKER_04: And that, my friends, is the Red Foreman Awards tonight on the Alpha Men Podcast.
59:19
SPEAKER_07: I just got three things to say.
59:22
SPEAKER_07: God bless America! God bless America!
59:38
SPEAKER_04: I'm glad you don't for them anymore.
59:40
SPEAKER_06: I'm a fucking average.
59:43
SPEAKER_04: Dude, what the hell was uh come on.
59:46
SPEAKER_06: You see right off the battery.
59:50
SPEAKER_06: Right off the bat, someone.
59:53
SPEAKER_06: Um Liby.
59:56
SPEAKER_06: I didn't watch.
59:57
SPEAKER_06: I watched I I should watch more high clip my lips of this one than a lot of them.
1:00:00
SPEAKER_06: Because I want to see how this is gonna turn out.
1:00:02
SPEAKER_06: But um listen to Denny Hamlins podcast once again.
1:00:06
SPEAKER_06: Um they all said it, and I kind of agree.
1:00:10
SPEAKER_06: I guess the racing was really good.
1:00:12
SPEAKER_04: The racing was good.
1:00:14
SPEAKER_06: The format sucked It's awful.
1:00:17
SPEAKER_04: First of all, it's the it's the all-star race.
1:00:21
SPEAKER_04: Day of the day, by the way.
1:00:22
SPEAKER_04: All-star race under the lights, sparks going into the corners, lights shining off the root the special paint schemes, the whole nine yards.
1:00:33
SPEAKER_04: And what do we get?
1:00:35
SPEAKER_04: A race in Dover, Delaware that starts at one o'clock in the afternoon with the absolute dumbest format I've ever seen in racing.
1:00:44
SPEAKER_04: Ever.
1:00:46
SPEAKER_06: It was it was robot.
1:00:49
SPEAKER_04: You know, for a race that's not a points race, it's supposed to be a one-off special exhibition for a crap ton of money, a million bucks, right?
1:01:03
SPEAKER_04: 90 laps around Charlotte, you invert the field after the first segment.
1:01:11
SPEAKER_06: Which was cool.
1:01:11
SPEAKER_06: I give them aspect of that.
1:01:13
SPEAKER_06: That was part was it's different.
1:01:14
SPEAKER_04: And and you run it under the lights, and that's the all-star race.
1:01:18
SPEAKER_04: Okay?
1:01:19
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:01:21
SPEAKER_04: Oh man.
1:01:23
SPEAKER_04: The last segment was 200 laps.
1:01:27
SPEAKER_06: And and like they're saying, um, they actually start racing, like fully get onto it the last 50 laps.
1:01:33
SPEAKER_06: So you spent you spent 150 laps of them watching just all right, which jockey here, a little bit stay here, a little bit there.
1:01:39
SPEAKER_06: I mean, it's it's it was bad management by the chief scoring and um leadership.
1:01:45
SPEAKER_04: It didn't work.
1:01:46
SPEAKER_04: It didn't work.
1:01:47
SPEAKER_06: Kyle, Kyle, his crew, and uh put puts that format together, they go through time and scoring, and they you know to bring up the leadership and they vote on it, and that's how it happens.
1:01:58
SPEAKER_04: So it did not work.
1:02:01
SPEAKER_04: It sucked.
1:02:01
SPEAKER_04: All right.
1:02:02
SPEAKER_04: The racing was not bad, but the format was it was it was agonizing.
1:02:09
SPEAKER_04: It was I I watched the whole thing, and I gotta tell you, I'm getting a little tired of seeing Bubba Wallace uh the Bubba Wallace meltdown of the week every week.
1:02:19
SPEAKER_06: It's it's now become a thing, and it's gonna happen season.
1:02:23
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:02:24
SPEAKER_06: So I mean, for you know, but Bubba is very passionate.
1:02:27
SPEAKER_06: Hi, Amy.
1:02:28
SPEAKER_06: How are you doing, dear?
1:02:30
SPEAKER_06: Um SSI.
1:02:33
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I don't uh I don't care.
1:02:35
SPEAKER_04: I don't care how passionate he is.
1:02:37
SPEAKER_04: It's something new every week.
1:02:39
SPEAKER_06: It reminds me of Kyle Bush.
1:02:43
SPEAKER_04: Well, yeah, but here's the thing Kyle Bush won races.
1:02:48
SPEAKER_04: I agree.
1:02:49
SPEAKER_04: Okay, Bubba Wallace doesn't win races.
1:02:52
SPEAKER_04: And when Bubba Wallace doesn't win races, Bubba Wallace generally crashes, and it's everybody else's fault every single time, and it's it's getting old.
1:03:03
SPEAKER_04: It's getting really, really old.
1:03:08
SPEAKER_04: Uh in the in the uh in the Xfinity race, we had a driver quit in the middle of the race.
1:03:13
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, Natalie Decker.
1:03:14
SPEAKER_06: She uh No, it was truck race.
1:03:16
SPEAKER_06: Truck race.
1:03:17
SPEAKER_04: Oh, it's the truck race, that's right.
1:03:18
SPEAKER_04: It was like Talladega night.
1:03:21
SPEAKER_06: She she is uh Natalie is a seat filler.
1:03:28
SPEAKER_06: She raises raises all this money just to get a seat and then uh jumps in the seat and goes ringing.
1:03:34
SPEAKER_06: She never amounts nothing.
1:03:35
SPEAKER_06: I mean, she is not she was good in ARCA.
1:03:38
SPEAKER_04: She's just horrible and yeah, she well, she wasn't fast enough around the track.
1:03:43
SPEAKER_04: They black flagged her.
1:03:44
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:03:45
SPEAKER_04: And they black flagged her like three weeks in a row now.
1:03:49
unknown: Yeah.
1:03:49
SPEAKER_04: And she had a tantrum.
1:03:51
SPEAKER_04: You want to hear something incredible?
1:03:53
SPEAKER_04: Go to YouTube and type in Natalie Decker quits at Dover.
1:03:59
SPEAKER_04: And it'll bring up the radio transmission between her and her crew.
1:04:03
SPEAKER_04: And it is a meltdown of epic proportions.
1:04:07
SPEAKER_06: I mean talk about melt meltdown.
1:04:08
SPEAKER_06: Look at Ryan Priest.
1:04:09
SPEAKER_06: He almost freaking cooked himself.
1:04:11
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:04:12
SPEAKER_04: That was uh that was that was a scary, scary uh he got out pretty quick, but yeah.
1:04:17
SPEAKER_06: I mean, that was a hard hit.
1:04:18
SPEAKER_06: That was a that was a I mean, you don't want to see that no matter what it is.
1:04:21
SPEAKER_06: I mean, anybody in the last car, you don't want to see a fire in any racetrack, short track, dirt track.
1:04:26
SPEAKER_04: And the thing is they've done so much with those safety, with those safety cells in the back that that hold the fuel to keep them from bursting and and keep them from catch them fire during impact, but they're not gonna prevent it every single time.
1:04:41
SPEAKER_06: You see the fuel cell, the fuel um where they put the fuel right there, the little whole circle.
1:04:46
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:04:46
SPEAKER_06: From there to about the tank, it is about a 18 inches.
1:04:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:04:52
SPEAKER_06: And it's it's a three-inch tube, and it's just hose clamped on.
1:04:57
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:04:58
SPEAKER_06: So that's the only part that's exposed from impact, but it's designed when impact happens, the tank's supposed to shut.
1:05:04
SPEAKER_06: Rip off.
1:05:06
SPEAKER_06: It never shut.
1:05:07
SPEAKER_06: So I think Orion Priest is okay there.
1:05:10
SPEAKER_06: Um you hear uh well, Denny won the race, obviously.
1:05:15
SPEAKER_06: You know what he's doing with that check?
1:05:17
SPEAKER_04: Uh splitting among his crew?
1:05:20
SPEAKER_04: Nope.
1:05:20
SPEAKER_06: All of it.
1:05:21
SPEAKER_04: That's what that's what Mark Martin did.
1:05:24
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, no, he's giving us all to his mom.
1:05:26
SPEAKER_04: Oh, okay.
1:05:27
SPEAKER_06: And he's gonna pay the taxes.
1:05:28
SPEAKER_06: He's gonna give her the million dollars.
1:05:30
SPEAKER_04: There you go.
1:05:30
SPEAKER_04: She lost her house and her husband, so that's that's not a bad move.
1:05:35
SPEAKER_06: The more I listen to his podcast, the more I mean, I'm liking this guy.
1:05:38
SPEAKER_06: So I wish I had never shit on before.
1:05:40
SPEAKER_06: He's my favorite.
1:05:41
SPEAKER_06: If I have a driver, favorite driver, it's Danny Hamill now.
1:05:44
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I just don't have a I I just I come from that era of those days are coming.
1:05:49
SPEAKER_04: Tex Texas Terry Lobonti and Mark Martin and Dale and and and uh all those guys who get their asses kicked nowadays.
1:05:57
SPEAKER_04: Well Just don't have a driver.
1:06:01
SPEAKER_04: I I I was rooting for Kenseth and then Kenseth left.
1:06:05
SPEAKER_04: I guess if I root for anybody just because I was a Roush guy for so long, I I guess I root for Brad Keselowski now.
1:06:12
SPEAKER_06: Brad's a good chip.
1:06:14
SPEAKER_04: You know, just because but he's gonna be I mean, he's old.
1:06:17
SPEAKER_04: He's you know, they're all you know.
1:06:20
SPEAKER_04: I just can't get into these like 19-year-old kids that have a cup ride, and last year their whole experience was they raced in a simulator.
1:06:31
SPEAKER_04: You know, the Alex Bowman thing.
1:06:34
SPEAKER_04: I can't I just can't do it.
1:06:35
SPEAKER_06: No, William Byron's famous for that.
1:06:37
SPEAKER_04: William Byron, that's it, yeah.
1:06:39
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:06:39
SPEAKER_06: Bowman has to race his way in, works his way out.
1:06:41
SPEAKER_06: I mean he doesn't do that great.
1:06:43
SPEAKER_06: But so now they had the Charlotte this weekend for the long weekend.
1:06:46
SPEAKER_06: Uh forecast looks good, but he usually rains a Charlotte, so for the trace.
1:06:52
SPEAKER_06: I'm glad about it.
1:06:55
SPEAKER_04: NASCAR, with what they did this weekend, they eliminated the open, which was the best part of the All-Star race weekend to see who was going to race their way in, right?
1:07:05
SPEAKER_06: Me too, Amy, me too.
1:07:06
SPEAKER_04: You know?
1:07:08
SPEAKER_04: Um, see which drivers who weren't eligible would race their way in.
1:07:12
SPEAKER_04: They eliminated that, and then the race was a billion laps long.
1:07:19
SPEAKER_04: Like the last segment was two hundred laps.
1:07:24
SPEAKER_06: So the pit stop challenge used to be all about the pit crews.
1:07:27
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:07:28
SPEAKER_06: Now it's pit crews and drivers the last few years, and I have that stuck being part of that whole operation.
1:07:34
SPEAKER_04: They had a 90-minute practice on Saturday for the all-star race.
1:07:39
SPEAKER_04: Which is supposed to be an exhibition race, 90 laps, you know, something short and sweet, and let's pay a million bucks, you know?
1:07:47
SPEAKER_06: Yep.
1:07:48
SPEAKER_06: That's stupid.
1:07:49
SPEAKER_04: Just dumb.
1:07:50
SPEAKER_04: Just absolutely dumb.
1:07:51
SPEAKER_06: So just like it's awful.
1:07:55
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:07:56
SPEAKER_04: Um, I mean any anyway.
1:07:58
SPEAKER_06: It's just it's just disappointing.
1:07:59
SPEAKER_06: I mean, first I spent 25 years working my, you know, 17 years working to the pros, and and every year it got worse and worse and worse, and now it just sucks.
1:08:10
SPEAKER_06: I got to do sport.
1:08:11
SPEAKER_04: Kyle Bush won the truck race Friday night and made a 62 joke about his wife.
1:08:15
SPEAKER_04: About his wife, and she's in California.
1:08:17
SPEAKER_04: I just want to put that out there.
1:08:19
SPEAKER_06: You know, you know, so the next thing, you know, he knows about Kyle.
1:08:22
SPEAKER_06: If Kyle talks about himself in third person, yeah, he's got his confidence.
1:08:27
SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
1:08:27
SPEAKER_06: If he doesn't, when Kyle's talking like, oh, it's you know, it's me, me, me.
1:08:33
SPEAKER_06: Um it's this or other person's mind.
1:08:35
SPEAKER_06: He says, no, Kyle Bush does this.
1:08:37
SPEAKER_06: Kyle Bush does this.
1:08:38
SPEAKER_06: You know his confidence in it.
1:08:40
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:08:40
SPEAKER_04: Well the last three the last three weeks, those children's cars have been way more competitive.
1:08:45
SPEAKER_06: I think they've I think they found something.
1:08:47
SPEAKER_06: I think there was some they found something in their engines or trannies or something.
1:08:51
SPEAKER_04: All right.
1:08:51
SPEAKER_04: Off to Charlotte.
1:08:53
SPEAKER_04: This week.
1:08:54
SPEAKER_04: 600 600.
1:08:56
SPEAKER_04: And um that, my friends, is red flag rants tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
1:09:14
SPEAKER_04: You are fake news.
1:09:18
SPEAKER_04: I gotta tell you, I love how he handles it.
1:09:20
SPEAKER_04: Quiet.
1:09:21
SPEAKER_04: Shut up.
1:09:21
SPEAKER_04: Quiet.
1:09:22
SPEAKER_04: No, no, not you.
1:09:23
SPEAKER_06: Are you still hot?
1:09:25
SPEAKER_04: I am.
1:09:26
SPEAKER_04: It's it's I'm baking up.
1:09:28
SPEAKER_06: Well, you you didn't pitch about that in the segment.
1:09:30
SPEAKER_04: No, I know.
1:09:30
SPEAKER_04: I know.
1:09:30
SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna make sure you've cooled down or not.
1:09:34
SPEAKER_06: Anyway.
1:09:34
SPEAKER_06: Hey, hey, at least it'll put it this way.
1:09:36
SPEAKER_06: At least you're not in the studio with your shirt off.
1:09:38
SPEAKER_04: That's true.
1:09:38
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:09:39
SPEAKER_04: Shut up.
1:09:40
SPEAKER_06: I haven't seen that.
1:09:42
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, shut up.
1:09:43
SPEAKER_04: Uh, all right, time for real or uh fake news tonight.
1:09:46
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna feed Baby Huey five of the most insane headlines from this week.
1:09:50
SPEAKER_04: Four of them are 100% made up garbage, bull crap.
1:09:54
SPEAKER_04: One is gloriously and embarrassingly real.
1:09:58
SPEAKER_04: Baby Huey, your your mission is to find the real news story from the fake news story, all right?
1:10:06
SPEAKER_04: So here are your headlines.
1:10:08
SPEAKER_04: By the way, uh you can help Baby Huey by commenting in the comment section which headline you think is real.
1:10:15
SPEAKER_04: Headline number one tonight.
1:10:18
SPEAKER_04: Nevada man builds functional hot tub in bed of his pickup truck using a stock tank and leaf blower.
1:10:28
SPEAKER_06: That's normal.
1:10:30
SPEAKER_04: Headline number two.
1:10:32
SPEAKER_04: California is exploring the idea of high speed buses that go one hundred and forty miles per hour.
1:10:43
SPEAKER_04: Alright.
1:10:46
SPEAKER_04: Headline number three.
1:10:48
SPEAKER_04: Tennessee couple installs traffic light in driveway because teenagers won't stop speeding down it.
1:11:00
SPEAKER_04: Headline number four.
1:11:02
SPEAKER_04: New York man claims he can predict the weather by how his left knee feels.
1:11:09
SPEAKER_04: Launches app called Kneecast.
1:11:14
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
1:11:16
SPEAKER_04: And number five, Colorado Toll Town holds annual worst driver competition with trophies and gift cards to DMV.
1:11:30
SPEAKER_04: Alright.
1:11:35
SPEAKER_04: Functional hot tub, functional hot tub with leaf blower in a stock tank in the back of pickup truck.
1:11:42
SPEAKER_06: Believe it.
1:11:43
SPEAKER_04: California exploring the idea of high-speed buses that go 140 miles per hour.
1:11:48
SPEAKER_06: Don't believe it.
1:11:49
SPEAKER_04: Tennessee couple installs traffic light in their driveway because their teenagers won't stop speeding down it.
1:11:56
SPEAKER_06: I believe that one.
1:11:57
SPEAKER_04: New York man claims he can predict the weather by how his left knee feels, launches an app called Kneecast.
1:12:05
SPEAKER_04: And finally, Colorado Town holds annual worst driver competition with trophies and gift cards to DMV.
1:12:15
SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna go with the hot tub.
1:12:17
SPEAKER_06: That just sounds legit.
1:12:20
SPEAKER_04: No.
1:12:21
SPEAKER_06: Well, no way.
1:12:22
SPEAKER_04: Made that up.
1:12:23
SPEAKER_04: Well, it looks legit and it sounds legit.
1:12:26
SPEAKER_06: You bet a lot, you've been a lot.
1:12:28
SPEAKER_06: I've seen it.
1:12:29
SPEAKER_04: Ah, it just doesn't mean that it happened this week, and it doesn't mean that there's a leaf blower in a stock tank.
1:12:36
SPEAKER_06: What would the leaf blower do?
1:12:39
SPEAKER_04: Bubbles.
1:12:41
SPEAKER_06: Oh, okay.
1:12:43
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:12:45
SPEAKER_06: Makes sense.
1:12:45
SPEAKER_04: I made that one up.
1:12:47
SPEAKER_06: That's pretty good.
1:12:48
SPEAKER_04: That one up.
1:12:48
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
1:12:50
SPEAKER_04: Uh alright, so you got California exporting the idea of high-speed buses that go 140 miles per hour.
1:12:56
SPEAKER_06: They can't do a train.
1:12:58
SPEAKER_04: Tennessee couple installs traffic light and driveway because their teenagers won't stop speeding down it.
1:13:04
SPEAKER_06: Ron says kneecast.
1:13:06
SPEAKER_04: New York man claims he can predict the weather by how his left knee feels, launches app called Kneecast.
1:13:12
SPEAKER_04: Colorado Town holds annual worst driver competition with trophies and gift cards to DMV.
1:13:20
SPEAKER_06: I want to go with Ron with kneecast, because that sounds like something we do nowadays.
1:13:25
SPEAKER_04: Shit.
1:13:26
SPEAKER_04: No, I made that one up too.
1:13:28
SPEAKER_04: My wife was telling me how bad her knee hurt this week.
1:13:31
SPEAKER_06: He took that.
1:13:32
SPEAKER_04: I just turned it into.
1:13:34
SPEAKER_04: She always claims that she knows when it's gonna rain.
1:13:36
SPEAKER_06: I thought she had her knee surgery.
1:13:38
SPEAKER_04: She does, but she has another knee that's bad too.
1:13:41
SPEAKER_04: Gotta have another knee surgery.
1:13:43
SPEAKER_04: So I'm gonna have a new I'm gonna have a new model before she's done, you know.
1:13:47
SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah, you have a nice model there.
1:13:48
SPEAKER_06: She's a sweetheart.
1:13:49
SPEAKER_04: No, she is a sweetheart.
1:13:50
SPEAKER_04: And I love her, but I'm getting all new parts.
1:13:55
SPEAKER_04: I'm like, hey, uh, these knees are great, but what about uh, you know, something, something, you know.
1:14:03
SPEAKER_06: Let's test those knees.
1:14:04
SPEAKER_06: Oh we're Michelle.
1:14:05
SPEAKER_06: I'm sorry, Michelle.
1:14:07
SPEAKER_04: Anyway.
1:14:09
SPEAKER_04: Uh all right.
1:14:12
SPEAKER_04: So uh you're you're wrong on the knee thing.
1:14:15
SPEAKER_04: So now we're down to uh California exploring the idea of high-speed buses that go 140 miles an hour.
1:14:24
SPEAKER_04: Tennessee couple installs traffic light in their driveway because teenagers won't stop speeding down it.
1:14:29
SPEAKER_06: Go with that one.
1:14:30
SPEAKER_04: Colorado worst driver competition with trophies and gift cards to TMV.
1:14:34
SPEAKER_04: You want to go with Tennessee couple?
1:14:37
SPEAKER_06: Yep.
1:14:40
SPEAKER_06: All right, it's no way it's California.
1:14:43
SPEAKER_04: What's that?
1:14:44
SPEAKER_06: It's no way it's California.
1:14:47
SPEAKER_04: Would you like to phone a friend?
1:14:50
SPEAKER_04: Just yeah, just tell me what it is.
1:14:53
SPEAKER_04: California has been developing a high-speed rail system for decades without much to show for it.
1:14:59
SPEAKER_04: So why not double down by trying something even more ridiculous?
1:15:03
SPEAKER_04: The California Department of Transportation, Caltrans, is exploring the idea of high-speed buses that travel up to 140 miles per hour on its free race.
1:15:17
SPEAKER_04: So it's like chaos in the middle of the movie speed, only faster.
1:15:24
SPEAKER_04: Now, obviously, these speeding bullets aren't going to be taking people on short commutes to the library.
1:15:30
SPEAKER_04: They're for long-distance interstate travel, and they would have their own dedicated lane that no one else could be in.
1:15:39
SPEAKER_04: Although you imagine in any vehicle going 140 miles per hour in LA anywhere.
1:15:48
SPEAKER_04: Where the average speed on the freeway is closer to 14 miles per hour.
1:15:54
SPEAKER_04: So uh they say it's in the early research stage, but looking at long-term possibilities, they say even if the 140 mile per hour buses prove to be too complex, I mean it could go for a more moderate speed, like 80 to 100 miles an hour.
1:16:14
SPEAKER_04: That's insane.
1:16:16
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
1:16:17
SPEAKER_04: Well, they're trying to build that high-speed rail out there.
1:16:20
SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
1:16:20
SPEAKER_04: And they got like they haven't even built any track.
1:16:26
SPEAKER_04: And they spent like$300 billion on it.
1:16:29
SPEAKER_04: So in any case.
1:16:32
SPEAKER_04: There you have it.
1:16:33
SPEAKER_04: That's your real news story tonight.
1:16:35
SPEAKER_04: On real or fake news.
1:16:42
SPEAKER_06: Why did it skip it?
1:16:45
SPEAKER_04: I'm sorry?
1:16:46
SPEAKER_06: It's a skipper to Married Men.
1:16:49
SPEAKER_04: Oh.
1:16:50
SPEAKER_06: I pushed the button.
1:16:52
SPEAKER_06: It's spinning.
1:16:53
SPEAKER_06: It might show up.
1:16:54
SPEAKER_06: Well, hey, we're on Married Men for now.
1:16:59
SPEAKER_06: It's still spinning.
1:17:00
SPEAKER_04: Married Man's Survival Guide tonight.
1:17:02
SPEAKER_06: The Married Man's Survival Guide is your playbook for staying alive.
1:17:06
SPEAKER_06: Whatever.
1:17:07
SPEAKER_06: We're here now.
1:17:11
SPEAKER_04: If you're married, you're not just surviving a relationship, you're surviving a full contact sport with no timeouts, no refs, and penalties that last longer than a Pat's game at overtime.
1:17:21
SPEAKER_04: So, uh we got five fresh rules from the uh Married Man Survival Guide for you tonight.
1:17:27
SPEAKER_04: Number one, the toolbox tax rule.
1:17:31
SPEAKER_04: Every time your wife asks you to fix something around the house, immediately add a 25% toolbox tax to the job.
1:17:40
unknown: Okay?
1:17:48
SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
1:17:49
SPEAKER_04: Example.
1:17:51
SPEAKER_04: She wants a shelf hung.
1:17:54
SPEAKER_04: That's now a 45-minute job because you're going to make sure you have the right tool.
1:17:58
SPEAKER_04: That gives you plausible deniability to disappear into the garage, drink a cold beer, scroll on your phone for 20 minutes, you get the idea.
1:18:10
SPEAKER_04: Pro move if occasionally walk back in holding a random tool and say, This is more complicated than I thought.
1:18:19
SPEAKER_04: And go back out to the garage.
1:18:23
SPEAKER_04: Tip number two.
1:18:25
SPEAKER_04: The strategic forgetfulness technique.
1:18:29
SPEAKER_04: Gentlemen, master the art of strategically forgetting minor requests.
1:18:34
SPEAKER_04: If she asks you to pick up a few things from the store on your way home, forget one critical item.
1:18:43
SPEAKER_04: Milk, eggs, stick of butter.
1:18:47
SPEAKER_04: Forget the stick of butter.
1:18:49
SPEAKER_04: When you get home, she'll say, You forgot the stick of butter.
1:18:53
SPEAKER_04: Oh, sorry, babe, I had a long day.
1:18:56
SPEAKER_04: Now you have a built-in reason to leave the house again later when you actually want to.
1:19:03
SPEAKER_06: I like it.
1:19:04
SPEAKER_06: I like it.
1:19:05
SPEAKER_04: Brilliant, right?
1:19:07
SPEAKER_04: Number three.
1:19:09
SPEAKER_04: The measured response method.
1:19:14
SPEAKER_04: When your wife asks you to do something, never respond with full enthusiasm.
1:19:22
SPEAKER_04: Use measured, slightly disappointed responses like Yeah, I guess I could probably do that.
1:19:31
SPEAKER_04: Or let's see what I can do.
1:19:36
SPEAKER_04: Or I might be able to knock it out eventually.
1:19:42
SPEAKER_04: This lowers her expect Yeah, take a look.
1:19:44
SPEAKER_04: Good.
1:19:45
SPEAKER_04: Good.
1:19:45
SPEAKER_04: Very good.
1:19:46
SPEAKER_06: I'll take a look this weekend.
1:19:47
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, very good.
1:19:49
SPEAKER_04: What it does?
1:19:50
SPEAKER_04: It lowers your expectations.
1:19:52
SPEAKER_04: So when you actually do the thing, even three days later, you look like a hero instead of someone who was just supposed to do it anyway.
1:20:02
SPEAKER_04: The measured response method.
1:20:05
SPEAKER_04: Learn it.
1:20:06
SPEAKER_04: Number four, the sudden urgent errand escape.
1:20:14
SPEAKER_04: Now this is very, very similar to the strategic forgiveness or for forgetfulness technique.
1:20:20
SPEAKER_04: However, you need to develop a list of pre-approved urgent errands.
1:20:27
SPEAKER_04: Ones that you can deploy at a moment's notice.
1:20:31
SPEAKER_04: When things get tense or boring at home.
1:20:35
SPEAKER_04: Oh, we're almost out of propane.
1:20:39
SPEAKER_04: Oh, you know what?
1:20:40
SPEAKER_04: I really should check the tire press around the truck.
1:20:44
SPEAKER_04: Oh, jeez.
1:20:45
SPEAKER_04: You know what?
1:20:46
SPEAKER_04: The deer the the deer corn feeder might be empty.
1:20:50
SPEAKER_04: Alright?
1:20:52
SPEAKER_04: Now, these have to be said with genuine concern in your voice.
1:20:57
SPEAKER_04: Bonus points if you actually leave and come back with a single can of WD-40 three hours later.
1:21:05
SPEAKER_04: And finally, the preemptive praise maneuver.
1:21:13
SPEAKER_04: When you know your wife is about to hit you with a list of things she wants done, strike first with heavy strategic compliments.
1:21:25
SPEAKER_04: Like babe, you know the house looks amazing.
1:21:28
SPEAKER_04: You have been killing it lately.
1:21:31
SPEAKER_04: I don't know how you keep everything running so smooth around here, but man, you do it.
1:21:38
SPEAKER_04: You've got the best taste in whatever she recently bought.
1:21:44
SPEAKER_04: Do this before she can open her mouth about projects.
1:21:49
SPEAKER_04: This puts her in a good mood, makes it much harder for her to immediately start assigning you tasks.
1:21:55
SPEAKER_04: It's emotional judo.
1:21:58
SPEAKER_04: You're softening the battlefield before the war even begins.
1:22:03
SPEAKER_04: Reach advanced level, follow it up with, you know, I was thinking about tackling one small thing this weekend.
1:22:13
SPEAKER_04: Giving her a tiny win while protecting the rest of your time.
1:22:19
SPEAKER_04: Alright, gentlemen, that's another episode of the Merryman Survival Guide.
1:22:24
SPEAKER_04: Marriage?
1:22:25
SPEAKER_04: Beautiful.
1:22:27
SPEAKER_04: It's also a lifelong game of chess.
1:22:30
SPEAKER_04: Where your wife is three moves ahead and somehow stole your queen while you were taking out the trash.
1:22:35
SPEAKER_04: So remember the rules we gave you today.
1:22:38
SPEAKER_04: Because at the end of the day, we're not trying to win the war.
1:22:41
SPEAKER_04: We're just trying to survive with some dignity, a cold beer, and some weekend football or NASCAR.
1:22:51
SPEAKER_01: Views, jokes, and hot takes shared on this podcast are for entertainment purposes only and are not helpful.
1:22:59
SPEAKER_01: If you are offended, uncomfortable, or triggered by what human sarcasm, unqualified.
1:23:05
SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
1:23:20
SPEAKER_04: Part of the show where two married guys with dad bots questionable and questionable life choices tell you what's really going on.
1:23:28
SPEAKER_04: We are uh witnessing one of the funniest slow motion disasters in human history.
1:23:35
SPEAKER_04: The birth rate in America is collapsing.
1:23:39
SPEAKER_04: Big story this week.
1:23:40
SPEAKER_04: In fact, it's collapsing so hard that schools are starting to shut down because there aren't enough kids to fill the classrooms.
1:23:48
SPEAKER_04: Entire school districts are just merging.
1:23:51
SPEAKER_04: Kindergartens are becoming ghost towns.
1:23:55
SPEAKER_04: Why is it happening?
1:23:57
SPEAKER_06: It's really because here they're talking about we never school because there's too many people.
1:24:03
SPEAKER_06: That's weird.
1:24:03
SPEAKER_04: So we spent the last 30 years telling women that getting married young and having kids is oppressive.
1:24:13
SPEAKER_04: But getting railed by a rotation of situationships in your 20s while chasing a career in marketing is empowering.
1:24:23
SPEAKER_04: I'm saying people who spent 30 years telling women you don't need a man, you don't need kids, chase your dreams, freeze your eggs at 38.
1:24:34
SPEAKER_04: Most people are now shocked that nobody's having babies.
1:24:41
SPEAKER_04: It's almost like we ran a 50-year social experiment titled What if we convince the entire generation that marriage and children are prison?
1:24:51
SPEAKER_04: And career and travel and posting your avocado toast on Instagram is freedom.
1:25:00
SPEAKER_04: Well, the results are in.
1:25:02
SPEAKER_04: Civilization is getting absolutely cooked.
1:25:06
SPEAKER_04: And it's what happens when you let Instagram therapists and blue-haired feminists design civilization.
1:25:14
SPEAKER_04: You get a bunch of cat ladies with$80,000 in student loans, wondering why the strong, independent woman lifestyle feels like pure depression by 35.
1:25:29
SPEAKER_04: We've got women in their 30s crying in TikTok videos saying, where are all the good men?
1:25:36
SPEAKER_04: Well, they spent their 20s dating guys with neck tattoos and going on girls' trips to St.
1:25:42
SPEAKER_04: Bart's.
1:25:59
SPEAKER_04: It's a civilizational collapse with extra steps.
1:26:03
SPEAKER_04: We created a culture so toxic that young people would rather scroll, travel, and quote, find themselves than do the one thing every previous generation understood was the entire point.
1:26:20
SPEAKER_04: Get married, have some kids, raise a family.
1:26:28
SPEAKER_04: Now meanwhile, the only people who are still having kids are the religious ones and the crazy conservatives.
1:26:37
SPEAKER_04: That the feminist movement spent years mocking.
1:26:42
SPEAKER_04: Turns out when you don't treat a family like a prison sentence, people actually reproduce.
1:26:49
SPEAKER_04: The same elite who caused this mess and are panicking and talking about paying people to have babies.
1:26:56
SPEAKER_04: Congratulations, you've turned reproduction into a government subsidy program somehow, I don't know how.
1:27:02
SPEAKER_04: Real natural and organic.
1:27:05
SPEAKER_04: Look, it's peak modern stupidity.
1:27:09
SPEAKER_04: We told young women that being a stay-at-home mom was oppressive.
1:27:14
SPEAKER_04: So now we have women who are empowered but miserable.
1:27:18
SPEAKER_04: And men who are checking out completely because why bust your ass to provide for a future that doesn't exist?
1:27:28
SPEAKER_04: The trade guys and the religious people having four or five kids.
1:27:34
SPEAKER_04: They're out there looking like geniuses while the quote, you go girl crowd was accidentally committing demographic demographic suicide.
1:27:47
SPEAKER_04: Look, if you're a young man under 35, do yourself a favor.
1:27:53
SPEAKER_04: Stop listening to a dying culture that hates you.
1:27:57
SPEAKER_04: Find a woman who actually wants to build something real.
1:28:00
SPEAKER_04: Get married.
1:28:01
SPEAKER_04: Have kids.
1:28:02
SPEAKER_04: Break the cycle.
1:28:05
SPEAKER_04: And maybe don't listen to a culture that's actively trying to die out.
1:28:10
SPEAKER_04: Get your shit together.
1:28:12
SPEAKER_04: Find a good woman who actually wants a family.
1:28:15
SPEAKER_04: Have some kids before they start paying people to reproduce like it's an endangered species program.
1:28:22
SPEAKER_04: Because at this rate, in 20 years, the only thing left in America will be a bunch of lonely 50-year-old wine ants yelling at their cat.
1:28:31
SPEAKER_04: While the last kindergarten teacher on earth throws a retirement party for one kid named Leah.
1:28:41
SPEAKER_04: Maybe the people who birthed civilizations for thousands of years knew something this generation didn't.
1:28:51
SPEAKER_04: Just saying.
1:28:53
SPEAKER_04: That's unfiltered and underqualified tonight on the Alpha Men podcast.
1:29:00
SPEAKER_04: Uh before we go, uh we have uh next week's show will be our final show of season five.
1:29:09
SPEAKER_04: It's uh vacation time.
1:29:12
SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary to the awesomest wife ever.
1:29:23
SPEAKER_04: I I know we do Married Man Survival Guide and all of that stuff, but love her to death.
1:29:30
SPEAKER_04: Uh I'm gonna do a cruise and we're gonna uh be off for the summer.
1:29:36
SPEAKER_04: But uh we will be back with season six.
1:29:40
SPEAKER_06: And also 25 years.
1:29:43
SPEAKER_04: Well, well, Michelle.
1:29:46
SPEAKER_04: Shelley.
1:29:49
SPEAKER_04: Um before we go though, uh, we did want to dedicate this episode to a true thespian.
1:29:56
SPEAKER_04: That's thespian.
1:29:59
SPEAKER_04: Get your mind out of the gutter.
1:30:01
SPEAKER_04: A man who shaped our childhood was never politically correct, starred in two of the biggest movies of the 80s.
1:30:09
SPEAKER_04: Blood Sport was Jean uh uh Jean-Claude Van Damme and the unforgettable Revenge of the Nerds, he played Ogre.
1:30:21
SPEAKER_04: Donald Gibb passed away this week at uh 71, and one of his best moments on field film.
1:30:28
SPEAKER_04: Go ahead and roll it.
1:30:39
SPEAKER_01: Where are they?
1:30:40
SPEAKER_01: I think they're talking about us in a way.
1:30:49
SPEAKER_02: Come on, Lewis, let's go.
1:30:58
SPEAKER_06: What happened to the guy who fell?
1:31:00
SPEAKER_04: What a great movie that was.
1:31:03
SPEAKER_06: I just realized I didn't ever thought about that.
1:31:05
SPEAKER_06: What happened to the guy who dropped?
1:31:07
SPEAKER_04: Uh man, what a great movie.
1:31:09
SPEAKER_04: That was when we actually made comedies in this country.
1:31:12
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, and they were funny.
1:31:14
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and they were funny.
1:31:16
SPEAKER_04: They were funny.
1:31:16
SPEAKER_04: What a great movie.
1:31:18
SPEAKER_04: Um, Donald Gibb passed away this week, 71.
1:31:22
SPEAKER_04: Uh, that's it.
1:31:24
SPEAKER_04: If you loved it, tell your friends.
1:31:26
SPEAKER_04: If you hated it, uh, tell your friends and argue about it.
1:31:30
SPEAKER_04: Uh, either way, we'll be back for the final time this season next Tuesday night at 8.
1:31:35
SPEAKER_04: And in the immortal words of the Beverly Hillville's, you all come back now, you hear?
1:31:44
SPEAKER_00: All right, Alpha Pat.
1:31:46
SPEAKER_00: That's all the damage we're legally allowed to do tonight.
1:31:49
SPEAKER_00: If you're offended, confused, clutching your pearls, or googling, is it normal to agree with it?
1:31:54
SPEAKER_00: It's perfect.
1:31:55
SPEAKER_00: It's an accomplished.
1:31:57
SPEAKER_00: This has been the AlphaBed Podcast, where opinions are loud, facts are obstacle, and HR would have tackled this before the intro is a few and finished.
1:32:05
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for hanging out, bracket appeared for three, and pretending you were something while we aggressively were absolutely coming.
1:32:18
SPEAKER_00: Common sense for common as country with the unemployment.
1:32:24
SPEAKER_00: We've got to go with point for wise while we said that's where we