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4 Ways to Ruin Your Relationship · Trauma Free Relationship

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Let's talk about the four ways to ruin your relationship, even
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if you don't mean to okay.
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Well, welcome back. And today, actually, beyond the
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sort of grandiose title that might have gotten your
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attention, today's actually a really important topic.
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And what we're talking about is. Psychological defenses.
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Now, if you've known me, if you've followed my work at all,
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you know I talk a lot about two things I talk a lot about.
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We're made for protection and we're made for connection.
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It's just who we are. It's built deep into our DNA.
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It's structured around the way our brain works and functions.
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We never stop striving for a connection.
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With one or two attachment figures in our life, as Bobby
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says from from cradle to grave, that attachment drive is is very
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strong and defining who we are and then additionally we never
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stop protecting ourselves as well.
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And this is particularly important when we talk about
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past trauma. So if you've sustained childhood
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or complex repeated trauma. Then for certain, your brain is
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now acting you at all costs. And So what we're talking about
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today is defense mechanisms. Now in my work with couples,
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probably 60 to 80% of what I do is helping people feel safe
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enough that they can drop their defenses and they can learn how
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to feel safe with their partner. Because what's happened in the
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past with past trauma or even just past wounds, we all have
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sustained more or less that that your brains now wide around
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wanting to protect you. And it does a great job of
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protecting you and it fiercely protects those wounds, those
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past wounds that you have endured.
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So past trauma, past wounds, we we are built to protect those.
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And what happens is when we get into a relationship and we get
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triggered, then we automatically go into a place where we employ
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defense mechanisms or coping strategies.
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There's a lot of different words different authors use to talk
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about this this particular way. We protect ourselves and we
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employ those those coping strategies repeatedly.
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And many authors, including myself, see that when we use or
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have a certain number of coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms,
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and we rely on those too much, it actually limits our ability
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to be more flexible, more adaptable and to be able to
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create the kinds of relationships and to feel a
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sense of connection with our partner or even just another
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human being so. Defense mechanisms in and of
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themselves are a major part of us limiting our ability,
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shooting our self on the foot, if you will, creating the kind
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of life and the kind of future and the kinds of relationships
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that we really desire and we want now.
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There's a long history of defense mechanisms.
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Freud initially came up with them.
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And basically, he said, these were psychological strategies
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that people used that were largely unconscious and they
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were used primarily to protect against the anxiety that arose
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around unacceptable thoughts or feelings.
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So he noticed a pattern with people where they would use
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defense mechanisms to prevent the anxiety around unacceptable
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thoughts. And feelings that they had and
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we might as well place unacceptable thoughts and
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feelings in the bucket of trauma because that's really a lot of
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the cases he was seeing at the time were were trauma cases.
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And so I I like that definition. I think that's a pretty good one
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to start out with for sure. I I also like coping strategies
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to me it it takes off a little bit of the clinical bent if you
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will around that. And puts it more into an
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everyday ongoing process that we use as human beings every day.
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We think and we feel in every interaction with every person.
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And so coping and coping strategies to me is a little bit
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of more of a terminology that is used for everyday situations
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with all people, including myself, I we all use coping.
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Coping strategies. And so Freud originally noticed
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this happening. Now his daughter Anna Freud, she
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was actually able to build onto some of his concepts, and she
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added additional what was called at the time, ego defenses.
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It's another name for coping strategies or defense
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mechanisms. She added.
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Things like repression, regression, reaction formation.
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Some of these you might have heard.
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In common nomenclature. But she was able to build on
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some of that in her work as well.
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And so especially her 1936 book Ego and Defense Mechanisms is
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where a lot of this came from now, a few years later, in the
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50s and 60s, during the Cognitive Revolution, and I'm
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speaking about. Psychologists like Aaron Beck
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and Albert Ellis, they noticed something very similar, except
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they called there is irrational beliefs.
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So as I mentioned previously, there's a lot of different names
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when we talk about defense mechanisms, when we talk about
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ego defenses or or coping strategies.
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But we're all kind of describing the same, the same phenomena,
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the same. Type of behavior and a lot of
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it. If you were going to put it in
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one giant bucket, you would put it in the bucket of how do we
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avoid? Because all these to some degree
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or another are avoidance strategies and tactics.
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How do we avoid things that are uncomfortable for us.
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And so that's really what a defense mechanism or a a coping
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strategy is. It's avoidance of things that
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make us feel. Feelings we don't want to have
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and then make us think things that we don't necessarily want
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to think. So the the cognitive revolution
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in the 50s, sixties and into the 70s, especially around cognitive
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behavioral therapy they they came up with the same types of
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things but they called there's a rational beliefs things like we
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over generalize or we might catastrophize.
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Or, as Albert Ellis says, we might we might masturbate,
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meaning we we I must do this or I must do that.
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We put these these expectations on ourselves, and then we act as
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if they're true. I must always be nice to other
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people. I mustn't ever be angry or upset
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with my parents or my spouse. And so these these are still, I
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would I put them under the same umbrella.
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There are still ways of avoiding things that make us very
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uncomfortable. And So what we're going to
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actually do is we're going to dive into four particular coping
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strategies, defense mechanisms, however you want to, whatever
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term you feel most comfortable with using.
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And we're going to talk about from a couple standpoint what
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these look like in the relationship.
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And why they are so important to be able to adapt and be flexible
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in the way we use these? Because if not, if we lean on
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these repeatedly and too heavily over and over and over in our
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relationships, then research shows that about 97% of
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relationships can't survive these four that we're going to
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talk about today. They stem a lot from John
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Gottman's research, and he used a term that I don't think is
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hyperbole at all. He says they are the Four
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Horsemen of the Apocalypse. So he saw them being so
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significant and so dangerous to the life of of the couple in the
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relationship that he turned them the Four Horsemen of the
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Apocalypse. So let's talk a little bit about
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the four ways to kill a relationship, even if you don't
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mean to. Okay, as I said a second ago,
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we're going to talk about these four particular and and even
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somewhat dangerous defense mechanisms or coping strategies
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that if we used over and over and over, if if they're used
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chronically in our relationship, then they can be very, very
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damaging. And very few relationships
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actually from a research standpoint can even survive
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these longterm. So let me just say from the
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outset the four that I mentioned.
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Are are the four that are very common that are that everybody
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uses. So yes we talk a lot about these
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in in, in in the terms of trauma and and how we move into our
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protection when we've been triggered our our past trauma
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has been triggered. But in addition to that
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everybody uses these this is very common.
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The difference between somebody that's experienced trauma that
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uses these four coping strategies versus someone that
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hasn't is is a very thin line and really the the difference is
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someone would be much quicker. To use these.
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So they would move into these approaches much faster when they
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get triggered and they would typically last longer and be
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stronger in terms of holding on to these because the wound
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behind these, these protection protective strategies are so
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vulnerable. The wound is so big in many ways
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with trauma as opposed to someone who's who's just
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sustained some interpersonal wounds that wasn't necessarily
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as significant as or traumatic. For them that that the wound
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behind them is so deep that that there must be stronger
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protections in place for this individual.
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So it's not that we don't use these at all in our
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relationship. I've used all these, every
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single one of I've used in my own relationship at some point.
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So it's not that I haven't ever used these, it's it's not an
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either or bucket that we're trying to put somebody in, but
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rather is. Is how chronically do we use
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those in our relationship. Chronic means do these show up
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what seems like every time there's some kind of of
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disconnection and there's some kind of trigger And one or both
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partners. All right, so the four that
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we're talking about our defensiveness, criticism,
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contempt. And stonewalling.
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So these are the four that are very unique to couples and
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relationships. Now I mentioned earlier that
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Anna Freud came up with some and certainly denial, projection,
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intellectualization, these are some from an individual
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standpoint. But when we start talking about
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couples, they we what we see over and over and over as a
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pattern for couples is they tend to use one or more.
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Of these four, so let's break this down.
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The first one is defensiveness. So we all get defensive at
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times. It is not uncommon at all to to
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be defensive, especially if we feel like we've been attacked or
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blamed or criticized, which is the second one we'll talk about
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in a minute. So again, defensiveness is
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something that's common. We all feel like we protect
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ourselves, but particularly what is what is so toxic about
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defensiveness? Is if the person your partner
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feels like they can't say anything to you without you
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getting defensive, meaning that you're not taking responsibility
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for your role in the conflict. That's essentially what
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defensiveness is, it's inability to take a role, to take
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responsibility for the role in in your part of the conflict.
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So your partner might walk on egg shells.
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Because they don't know what's going to trigger you, what's
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going to make you angry, what's going to make you use that tone
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of voice again, or you you often will lead conversations by
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saying, well, I only did this because you did that.
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And So what happens is, is we find that that both partners can
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get into a place of defensiveness where they're
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blaming the other and neither is willing to take responsibility
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for how they show up in the relationship.
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Hey, I'm, I'm really sorry. I know that that came across
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with a certain tone and and I know you hate it when I use that
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tone because it feels like I'm, I'm, I'm blaming you or I'm
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turning things around. And I really didn't mean to do
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that. That is the antidote to
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defensiveness is being able to acknowledge and take
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responsibility for the way you're showing up in the
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relationship, especially during times of conflict.
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So that's defensive. This, the next one is criticism.
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So criticism is simply you're always blaming your partner.
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Your partner is the one that seems to be always at fault.
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You have a very difficult time being able to look at yourself.
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And again, just like defensiveness, being able to
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take responsibility for what you did or how you're showing up in
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the relationship. And so you're always sort of
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projecting. That's another defense
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mechanism, right? Projecting.
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Whatever it is, your feeling, it's not because it's come up
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for you, it's because your partner has made you feel that
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way. Well, you looked at me a certain
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way. Well, you used a certain tone.
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And so that's why I reacted or that's why I feel the way I do.
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So it's it's it's always focusing on your partner's
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wrongdoing and not being able to to turn the lens, so to speak,
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on yourself. Now the third one is contempt.
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And contempt is particularly toxic in a relationship.
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And contempt is it's much more. Critical than just defensiveness
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or criticism. It's when you begin to cross a
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line and attack your partner for who they are so they didn't just
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make you feel bad or they didn't do something that you didn't
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like, which would be criticism and and you respond with
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defensiveness, but rather they are stupid, lazy, dumb.
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Yeah, I mean, you see where I'm going here.
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You start using sarcasm or shaming language where they
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become less than and you are above them.
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And when a couple gets into using contempt as a form of
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relating, it is particularly toxic and it is very difficult
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sometimes to turn around because they feel so.
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Each partner feels so strongly and what they're seeing in their
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other partner, it's difficult to get them to stop and reflect and
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see how they're playing a role in that.
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And so when we talk about contempt, we talk about
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character attacks, we talk about put downs and and the
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relationship is not going to last very long when when one or
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both partners are contemptuous towards each other.
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All right, The 4th and final one is stonewalling, and that is
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simply just shutting down emotionally where your partner
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no longer has an impact on you. They can't seem to get an
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emotional response from you. You're emotionally unavailable
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at times and you're unresponsive.
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And so this is very difficult for partners because one of the
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things we crave more than anything is our partner to be
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available. And responsive and emotionally
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engaged, what we call attunement into our emotional lives.
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So stonewalling means that your partner has to shut you out
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emotionally. You no longer have the ability
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to to affect or have an impact on them.
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You've lost any influence over your partner and so that either
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remove themselves physically. Or they will remove themselves
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emotionally, which can be worse sometimes, because even though
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they're physically there in the room with you, you know, and you
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can almost see it in their eyes, oops, they're gone.
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I've just lost my partner. And so being able to pull
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somebody out of stonewalling means that you've got to get
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them to be able to reengage emotionally in themselves and
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then in the relationship. Sometimes that's not easy to do.
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Sometimes people have have tried so hard for so long to make an
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impact on their partner, to feel heard, to feel understood, feel
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seen by their partner that they're just emotionally
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exhaustive and they have nothing more to give.
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And at that point, the attachment bind really starts to
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bend and sometimes break. So these are the four
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psychological mechanisms, coping strategies.
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That couples tend to use in their relationship.
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You've probably seen through the description of these four there
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are times where you've shown up this way in your relationship,
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especially around conflict or especially when past trauma has
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triggered you. So I want to reiterate, it's
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really important to understand it's not because you do have
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done this once. It's only dangerous to your
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relationship if you do this chronically.
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If every time your partner says something, you move into a place
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of defensiveness. If every time your partner has a
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tone with you, you jump into criticism and blame, or even
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worse, you cross the line into contempt and you start attacking
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their character and who they are as a person, Or if chronically
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you begin to shut down emotionally, this is when it
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gets it gets difficult and it gets really hard in your
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relationship. To be able to turn this around
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and start seeing your partner as somebody who has your back,
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who's there for you and who's a safe place for you to open up
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to. Again, all of these mechanisms
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are ways for us to shut out and avoid the feelings we have in,
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in a relationship with our partner.
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And it's actually the unmet needs that are behind that that
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are the actual cause of so many of our defense mechanisms.
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Hey, I hope you've enjoyed this podcast and this video today.
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Thanks a lot.