Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Season #4 - Older Teen/Young Adult (Pt. 4) | Ep. 18

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Parenting Season #4 - Older Teen/Young Adult (Pt. 4) | Ep. 18 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:01
  Cheryl: Moms, We're back with the four of us again today talking about the releasing years of late teens, early twenties, and
• 1:09
  Cheryl (2): then
• 1:09
  Cheryl: being in a relationship with our adult children, which is the only season of parenting that has no end because we want to stay in a relationship.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: And so let's go around, introduce yourself to our listeners I'm
• 1:25
  Danae: Denise King and I have five kids and their ages, 20 to 28.
• 1:29
  Christie: And I am Kristy Gunckel.
• 1:31
  Christie: I have four daughters ages, 15 to 23,
• 1:35
  Ellen: and I'm Ellen ed slur.
• 1:36
  Ellen: And I have five children, uh, starting at the low end of 30, all the way up into the.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: And of course I'm Cheryl Lang and I go from mid twenties to early forties.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: I love our conversations.
• 1:50
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:50
  Christie: I've been thinking a lot since we talked because mine are just entering this young adult phase.
• 1:56
  Danae: I was just thinking of something, is that my, actually my last daughter, she always will open up to me at a coffee shop, but at home.
• 2:08
  Danae: It's almost like a different relationship that at home, she doesn't really want to open up.
• 2:14
  Danae: She doesn't want to talk.
• 2:15
  Danae: She doesn't definitely doesn't want my advice that maybe Cheryl it's because like you're saying of that, we're coming together more as friends sitting at a coffee shop talking about our coffee, what we like, we don't like, and all of a sudden this conversation just flows.
• 2:31
  Danae: It's more natural.
• 2:32
  Danae: She forgets your mom.
• 2:34
  Danae: Maybe we'll make coffee dates.
• 2:35
  Danae: And now she'll even come to me and said, when can we go to coffee?
• 2:39
  Danae: You know, every week or so.
• 2:40
  Danae: Yeah.
• 2:41
  Christie: I've noticed that some of my girls like to talk about things where they do want my advice over text, and I think it's a little more controlled and the environment.
• 2:50
  Christie: So yeah, it just, you might try different environments sometimes.
• 2:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: Then one of the things I had to train myself as they moved into this state of life is limit.
• 3:02
  Cheryl: So it's just not verbally on the phone or in person, but not too much texting and not too fast and not too many emojis, maybe just a thumbs up.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: But I picked up on their pattern.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: And so I'm so thankful for the delete button.
• 3:21
  Cheryl: I wish I could have that in real life.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: I can't, because I've written way too much advice.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: And my dad, and I'm not saying I was wrong and it was PR it was good stuff maybe that I was saying, but it wasn't the right time and it wasn't the right situation.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: And so I've deleted a lot more conversations that I wish I could do verbally to use my texting.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:44
  Ellen: I think maybe that's a negative thing about tech.
• 3:48
  Ellen: Is that we're not having that.
• 3:50
  Ellen: One-on-one where you can kind of explain through both sides and it's just information information, and you get too much, you know, cause if I get a long text, I'm like, oh, this is what's the email.
• 4:03
  Ellen: This is I'm gonna have to sit and I'm gonna have to say, I sit down and read
• 4:08
  Christie: it.
• 4:08
  Christie: I think one thing my girls might like about the text is I'm really bad about my tone and my facial expressions matching what I want to say.
• 4:17
  Christie: And so I think there's some comfort there that they don't have to second guess.
• 4:21
  Christie: And that's something I need to work on is presenting myself as listening.
• 4:25
  Christie: Well,
• 4:26
  Danae: And sending
• 4:27
  Ellen: the
• 4:27
  Danae: angry emoji kind of the opposite.
• 4:30
  Danae: I can get teary eyed really fast.
• 4:33
  Danae: And so I know a couple of my kids won't want to talk to me about things cause they, they don't want to hurt me.
• 4:39
  Danae: They don't want me to bring up emotions.
• 4:41
  Danae: And so I have to be very, I have to really try hard to not have those tears come, but then also to talk about it and just say, this is me, I'm fine.
• 4:50
  Danae: You know, but maybe that's the reason why some of mine are wanting to text me.
• 4:54
  Christie: So that's the case for me too.
• 4:56
  Christie: We just left our daughter from, you know, we were visiting her in Virginia after a few days and we left and I wanted to say all these things, you know, loving things, not, not critique or anything.
• 5:06
  Christie: So I just had to text them all because I didn't want to cry.
• 5:10
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: That kind of brings up something I would like to talk about with y'all because I have to release even when they're not ready.
• 5:21
  Cheryl: And a lot of moms that I talked to just everybody, but they're not ready.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: They're not mature.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: You know, Ellen talked about how they prepared with the money and all of this or whatever it is because they nobody's really ready for adult life.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: When, when it's time to do it.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: So I'd like to hear your thoughts or experiences with.
• 5:44
  Ellen: Well, you can give your kids skills, like some money skills and home keeping skills and things like that.
• 5:51
  Ellen: They can feed themselves.
• 5:52
  Ellen: Doesn't mean they'll have the maturity or the desire to use them.
• 5:55
  Ellen: Right.
• 5:56
  Ellen: You know, and you can scratch your head and go, oh, this place a pig pan, you know, and it's, that's just part of growing up and we need to always remember how, how was it when I was growing up, I didn't get it.
• 6:08
  Ellen: All right.
• 6:09
  Ellen: I did the, you know, you spend your twenties learning what, what you want to do and how to navigate things.
• 6:16
  Ellen: And they have a much more complicated world than, um, I had when I was their age.
• 6:22
  Ellen: So, you know, and I'm older than you guys.
• 6:24
  Ellen: So our world was fairly simple, but now, you know, they have so many things they have to deal with and all you can do is be there for them and make sure they know that the pathway to your house was always clear.
• 6:37
  Cheryl: Oh, I love that.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: Hello, love that, that I'm doing everything I can to remove the blocks on the bridge and my relationship with them.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: And then something I would never think of and they bring it up and whatever, you know, like you mentioned tattoos or something.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: That's a, that's a block if I talk negatively about tattoos, right.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: So I want to take that block off this bridge so that the path is open to me so that when they're ready, they can walk that to me.
• 7:14
  Danae: so I feel like I've had a little bit different experience.
• 7:17
  Danae: Um, the last few years.
• 7:19
  Danae: Just that my family went through a crisis, um, with the divorce of their parents.
• 7:25
  Danae: And then some other circumstances that my children have that have had that it's been better for them to be at home.
• 7:32
  Danae: I have one daughter who struggles with a chronic illness, and she's really been struggling over the last few years and not able to make money and do the things that we would think when you would be ready to release.
• 7:47
  Danae: And I have another daughter with a mild intellectual disability.
• 7:50
  Danae: So she will more than likely be home with me all the time.
• 7:55
  Danae: And then a younger daughter who's, she's, she's learning and growing and spreading her wings at, at 20.
• 8:01
  Danae: And, you know, I think why that communication piece is so big for me is because it's, it's, it's been forced upon me.
• 8:10
  Danae: It feels that way that I, I have to learn how to communicate with these adult children, because I, I want that.
• 8:18
  Danae: To be here with me.
• 8:19
  Danae: They need, they need me.
• 8:22
  Danae: Um, and, and, and I need them.
• 8:24
  Danae: And the sense of that relationship, we keep talking about not because being a mom is my identity and it's all that I am that because I love them.
• 8:34
  Danae: And I, I want to have this relationship with them.
• 8:38
  Danae: So with these children, um, I've loved having them there, but So this has been really hard if knowing what it is to release and to let these daughters be adults, but being in my home, I think it's working really well.
• 8:54
  Danae: Um, and one of the ways is, um, this word that Ellen has brought up, which is having courtesy for one another.
• 9:01
  Danae: Alan, will you talk a little bit more about
• 9:03
  Ellen: that?
• 9:04
  Ellen: I think that's what adult relationships are based on.
• 9:07
  Ellen: We're courteous to our friends.
• 9:09
  Ellen: That means we're thinking about them and what they need and being polite and kind, and really that's what we want in our relationships with our adult children.
• 9:18
  Ellen: We're no longer there to tell them you can do this.
• 9:21
  Ellen: You can't do this.
• 9:22
  Ellen: You have to be home at this time.
• 9:23
  Ellen: You can't.
• 9:24
  Ellen: We put it back on them and say, just remember to be correct.
• 9:28
  Ellen: Um, when you come in late at night, so you don't wake the whole family up.
• 9:32
  Ellen: Remember to be courteous because I would say to my kid, you know, I'm not, I don't care what you're doing or when you come home, just let me know.
• 9:39
  Ellen: Cause it's just that I don't have to worry about it.
• 9:41
  Ellen: I don't think about it.
• 9:42
  Ellen: And you're just being courteous to me, you know?
• 9:44
  Ellen: And that, then that's a different feel for them.
• 9:47
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 9:47
  Ellen: I need to respect that.
• 9:48
  Ellen: My mom might be sitting up going, oh, are they okay?
• 9:51
  Ellen: So I'll text her and let him, I'm, you know, I'll be home in two hours and, you know, go ahead and lock the door.
• 9:57
  Ellen: I got my key.
• 9:58
  Ellen: Right.
• 9:58
  Ellen: And
• 9:59
  Christie: that's no different than the respect they would offer a roommate or someone else appear.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: Perfect.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: I then in, you're thinking about it's a two way street, because one of the ways that I've made the mistake and I've seen it done moms, probably because they're taking it too personally.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: But throwing back at their children kind of, I told you so's oh, no.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: I mean, it is a Boulder on that bridge of relationship.
• 10:30
  Cheryl: I told you, so just on your face, sometimes I just, it's almost, it ruins them.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: It backs them up so far on that bridge.
• 10:43
  Cheryl: I have to reprove my trustworthiness to them.
• 10:47
  Cheryl: And how does courteous, because I don't say that to other adults and simply because I don't think there's mature or they're making decisions I should make.
• 10:59
  Cheryl: I just, that's just such a mean thing to do.
• 11:02
  Cheryl: It's discourteous
• 11:04
  Ellen: disrespectful.
• 11:04
  Ellen: And sometimes I don't, I mean, I would say my kids would agree that I was very guilty of that.
• 11:09
  Ellen: You know, if they did, especially when they were older, if they did something that I didn't approve of or.
• 11:15
  Ellen: I think that they did it, right.
• 11:17
  Ellen: I might not say it, but they knew on my face I was disapproving.
• 11:20
  Ellen: And then they would say to me, oh, so you didn't think I did it right.
• 11:23
  Ellen: Or you disapproved.
• 11:24
  Ellen: And that really hurts a relationship.
• 11:27
  Ellen: And, you know, I had to go back many times and apologize.
• 11:30
  Ellen: You're right.
• 11:31
  Ellen: You know, I didn't have a right to, you know, not to expect for you to do that perfectly or to be offended because you didn't do it the way I, you know, I wanted you to do it.
• 11:40
  Ellen: And that's hard because that's part of our letting go and our letting go of our expectations of what our children are going to take from us
• 11:49
  Cheryl: and the snarky, how's that working for you, those kinds of things.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: And just whatever, you know, it just, we have to slow down and think ourselves and love them in a new way.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: It's such a different way than we did through the other seasons.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: This is just going to require a lot of maturity from us.
• 12:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:12
  Christie: I think the, I told you, so just like.
• 12:15
  Christie: Uh, way any amount of respect and, and makes them feel like we never thought, and it's a lie because we have to learn things too.
• 12:25
  Christie: I mean, we're, you know, there's, we, we're all gonna make mistakes.
• 12:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:29
  Christie: And so there's no reason to say it because then you're just saying, I'm never going to make a choice that I will regret.
• 12:35
  Christie: Well, that's not true.
• 12:37
  Christie: Or, or let it show
• 12:38
  Ellen: on our face because sometimes we can be good about being quiet, but we can have that kind of disgusted.
• 12:43
  Ellen: Hm.
• 12:45
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:45
  Ellen: That
• 12:45
  Danae: is something that's really surprised me.
• 12:47
  Danae: One of my daughters recently actually said to me, mom, I always known when you're upset my whole life.
• 12:54
  Danae: I've known when you're upset.
• 12:55
  Danae: I'm like, wait, what?
• 12:58
  Danae: But I had that smile on my face.
• 13:00
  Danae: Oh, I could feel it.
• 13:02
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:02
  Danae: Oh, that was so disheartening.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: Isn't that interesting that we always say, oh, we need to be students of our children's students, our children.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: And they've spent their entire lives with almost with a computer typing up that's you know, being students or their parents.
• 13:20
  Cheryl: My kids
• 13:20
  Ellen: would always say, oh, we can tell when dad's really mad.
• 13:23
  Ellen: Cause my husband's pretty even tempered.
• 13:25
  Ellen: But when he's really mad, cause his jaw gets really tight.
• 13:30
  Danae: I know we're in big trouble.
• 13:32
  Danae: My knee, my nostrils flare my kids telling me I'm like, well, that's attractive.
• 13:39
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 13:39
  Cheryl: We have done several sessions here on this releasing time and our young adult children.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: Is there something that we should focus on and talk about so right here at the very end?
• 13:52
  Cheryl: What could we, what do we want to say that we don't want left unsaid?
• 13:56
  Danae: Well for one thing, I don't know if we actually answered like, what if they're not ready to be released
• 14:03
  Cheryl: How do we release them when they're still immature and they're not ready?
• 14:08
  Cheryl: Um, what's his
• 14:09
  Danae: release even mean?
• 14:10
  Danae: What are we even saying by release?
• 14:11
  Danae: Really?
• 14:12
  Danae: It's like you're
• 14:20
  Ellen: it's not like you're walking with them to the end of the diving board.
• 14:24
  Ellen: And then you're either waiting for them jumping.
• 14:26
  Ellen: If they don't jump you push.
• 14:29
  Danae: maybe when we think they're not ready, it's just, they're not meeting
• 14:31
  Cheryl: our expectations.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: you know, actually that's the answer to what we asked while ago.
• 14:35
  Cheryl: I think just
• 14:36
  Christie: reiterating that it's messy and you know that it's not a clean cut process and it's going to be different, you know, depending on your child and, or your young adult,
• 14:45
  Cheryl: Well, Christy said earlier incremental, and I think it's incremental for all.
• 14:50
  Cheryl: And that again, it's exactly what you're saying.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: It's a dynamic relationship and that if we don't continue to see if we go, well, we pushed you off the dial that we continued, this growth process we're talking.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: I
• 15:04
  Danae: think it's a messy, you know, so as we were talking about that bridge and having the boulders on the bridge, you know, so, you know, we said, I told you so, or something like that, that was a relationship breaker.
• 15:17
  Danae: I think we know that we can go to our children.
• 15:20
  Danae: We can ask, you know, to repair and to talk, to, to get that Boulder out of the way, you know, not much
• 15:27
  Christie: different than we talked about in the younger years of it being a process and it not being pass or fail, but it's, it's an ongoing process of, and I think that's what releasing is.
• 15:37
  Christie: It's a process.
• 15:39
  Christie: It's not one.
• 15:40
  Christie: Major event,
• 15:42
  Cheryl: if we want to stay in their lives and keep our love and our influence in the relationship.
• 15:47
  Cheryl: And, um, I think of several friends, I know that they would really be weeping through these conversations because they're not in a relationship with their child and they have done a lot of things to put the boulders.
• 16:02
  Cheryl: And so what encouragement and hope would you bring to that mom who's weeping over or very sad at what we've said?
• 16:11
  Christie: I think you can always, um, humble yourself and apologize.
• 16:16
  Christie: There's there's nothing wrong with that.
• 16:18
  Christie: And going to your child and saying, you know, I acknowledge where I may have been able to do things different.
• 16:26
  Christie: And I'm sorry.
• 16:28
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:28
  Danae: And I would say keep growing as a person that's, what's helped me.
• 16:32
  Danae: I would say one of the biggest things that's helped me with my children is that I have grown as a person and, and relationships and knowing myself
• 16:42
  Ellen: and be committed to continue to love them because they may reject, you know, when you come to them and say, Hey, I'm sorry, I did this wrong.
• 16:50
  Ellen: And I apologize.
• 16:51
  Ellen: They make, you know, whatever, but find ways to be in their life.
• 16:55
  Ellen: That's not pushy, but it's loving and just be consistent.
• 17:00
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 17:01
  Cheryl: I agree with all of that because I want to learn to love them better, not bring my expectations to it.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: Like I say, I thought we would have this kind of, whatever it is, no expectations, because I think that's a really good definition of love.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: Um, from my side is to love.
• 17:24
  Cheryl: Where you are and then to work, to remove the boulders and the things in the way.
• 17:31
  Cheryl: So maybe they will start coming steps incremental.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: This is your word This conversation is excellent.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: I wish I had had it 30 years ago speaking into my life.
• 17:44
  Cheryl: The worst part about doing this podcast and recording is because of the time and we get in here.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: We're having such a good time.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: So we've got to quit I want to thank you so much for coming in and sharing your lives with us today.
• 17:59
  Cheryl: Of course,
• 18:00
  Ellen: that was a lot of fun.
• 18:01
  Ellen: I wish my younger self
• 18:07
  Cheryl: So mom, where ever you are in this releasing process or in relationship with your adult children, remember hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 18:21
  Cheryl: Yes, it is.