Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / How Burnt-Out Parents Can Still Build Connection

Transcript

How Burnt-Out Parents Can Still Build Connection · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Many moons ago, I had a little bit of a
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: public spat with the one and only Wonderful Mea Friedman,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: who was on the record as saying I don't like
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: to play with my kids. She's basically saying the kid's boring,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: they're not fun to play with. Fun is horrible, especially
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: when the kids are little, but even when they're bigger,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: I don't want to play with them. They don't want
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: to play with me. It's really really difficult. It's I
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: don't know, and then you're exhausted, you're overworked, you burnt out,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: you just kind of want to have a bit of
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: me time and the kids want to play. But there
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: are so many benefits to it. And today we're going
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: to talk about how we're supposed to play with our kids,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: especially when we sometimes don't want to and have a
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: bad attitude towards it. Stay with us get a Welcome
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: to a Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every Day.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcasts, where Justin and
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Kylie calls some parents have six kids who often wanted
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: to play and sometimes we're not that enthusiastic about it.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Let's be honest it's.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: Not one of my favorite things either. I understand where
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: me is coming from, and I think that a lot
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: of times, as adults, we're so caught up in the
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: to do list of our lives that we actually don't
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: stop to smell the roses. Our kids are the perfect
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: barometer to help us do that, but we don't see
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: it that way.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: So before we get into how to play with the kids,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: I just want to make the argument about why play matters.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: And you've got an early childcare background, you probably know
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: as much, if not more about this than I do.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: As I do, but we've got to make the argument.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: And this argument doesn't just count for little kids. This
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: is for big kids as well, teenagers, and even for
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: one another as adults. Being playful changes relationships, Being playful
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: changes life. And there's this great quote. I can't remember
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: who said it. I think it was a guy called
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Rudolph Drikers, but I might be wrong on that. He
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: said play is the work of childhood. And I used
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: to just go, Okay, that's a really simple five six
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: word quote. Play is the work of a seven word quote.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: But over time, as I've learned more about play, I've
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: realized the depth, Like there's so much complexity, so much
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: complexity in that beautiful, simple statement.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: The fundamental principle I took away from my training in
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: early childhood, all of those years ago, was just how
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: essential play is for our kids. But while I think
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: that most of us understand the importance of play for
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: our kids, we don't recognize the value that we play
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: a part in their play.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to extend it. I'm going to say,
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: sometimes we treat play like a luxury item. It's what
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: we do when we've got time, It's what we do
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: when we're in a special place, it's what we do
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: when the circumstances permit. But play is not a luxury item.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Play is an essential, essential.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: And while we can talk about the physical development, we
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: can talk about there are so many different areas of
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: life where it overlaps. This is why it is the
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: work of childhood. The area that I want to zero
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: in on today because we do a short podcast that's
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: oriented towards coming up with solutions. I want to talk
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: about emotional intelligence. Play builds emotional intelligence. I do a
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: whole lot of webinars and seminars and presentations and keynotes
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: on emotional intelligence for executive leaders and for teachers and
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: for parents. So I'm just going to give a quick
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: definition of what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is when
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: you're aware of and regulating your own emotions, and you're
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: socially aware, so you can see how other people are feeling,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: and then you can regulate or navigate or manage interactions
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: based on where you're at and where other people are at. Okay,
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: So emotionally intelligent people recognize emotions, they react to others,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: and they're able to manage relationships effectively as a result.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: And this it requires regulation in ambition, that requires the
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: ability to turn your emotions up or down, and also
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: not to manipulate, but certainly work with other people's emotions
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: when they're up or down, and even bring them down
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: or bring them up appropriately, not in a coercive, horrible way,
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: but in a socially acceptable and desirable way. This is
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I think emotional intelligence is foundational for success in life,
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: the ability to get along with people. Google's project Aristol
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: years ago, most successful teams people had high emotional intelligence,
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: they knew how to work with each other.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: And I just think when you think about the importance
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: of this, and you think about our kids' school system. Oh,
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: we've literally completely turned it all on its head.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: So we're throwing a blanket over it. I mean, there
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: are plenty of teachers who are big on play, but overwhelmingly.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: Kids, our kids playtime has shortened, the equipment that's available
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: to them, and the activities that they're allowed to participate
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: in has massively sure, like just oh my goodness.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: I was at a school and I gave the principle
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: a bit of a hard time because we were talking
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: about the importance of risky play for kids. And I
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: called out to the audience and I just said, so,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: what was your favorite piece of play equipment when you
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: were a kid? And somebody near front straight away just
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: shouted out the tree.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: And I made the comment, how many schools in Australia literally,
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: how many schools in Australia have trees that kids can
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: climb in at recess and lunch?
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: They don't.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: It was actually the principle who put up his hand
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: and he said, none, they don't. The answer is zero.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: One of the schools that our kids went to when
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: they were younger, it was only a handful of years
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: ago they actually chopped the wall.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Down right, because you can't have a tree branch falling
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: on somebody. There's too much liability. People are complaining that
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: kids lack social skills and they're blaming screens. But the
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: problem is the problem is.
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: There isn't an alternative.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: That's right. They're not playing, they're not playing, so they
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: go to screens and that's what they're doing. So if
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: that's what emotional intelligence is, and play builds it better
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: than anything, we need to talk about a parent's play playbook.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Did I say that right? Parents?
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Parents play?
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: Parents play? Yeah, we need a playbook for parents play.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean? That made sense? I got
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: that right.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: I look at the times in our home where there
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: is contention and tension, and it's amazing what happens when
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: someone just chucks.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: A honey as opposed to chucks of wapling.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, somebody makes a joke or kind of. One
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: of the easiest ways to change the tide in our
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: house is literally, did I see smile?
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: I do that to the kids all the time, and
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: they hate it, but they love it because it's playful.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: It's not snide, it's not nasty, it's did I just
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: see a smile?
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: And it's not get over yourself. It's literally like, come on,
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: we can move through this. Yeah, we don't have to
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: hold on to it. We don't need to see it doesn't.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: Work all the time. It doesn't work all the time.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: Here's what I would put into the parents' playbook for
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: play with the kids, number one, and again with fifteen
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: year olds, and with five year olds, and with two
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: year olds, and with twenty two year olds and even
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: with each other. Number one. It's got to be dynamic
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: and in the moment, like when you try to structure
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: it sometimes it feels more like a burden or a chore.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: Number two. Where you are doesn't matter. It can be
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: in the playground, it can be in the kitchen, on
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: the trampoline, it can be in the car, it can
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: be walking down the street with a puppy dog on
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: a leash. Anywhere works so long as you've got a
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: playful mindset and the other person is consenting and along
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: with it. I think the key ingredient when it comes
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: to really high quality play is actually there are two.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: It's got to be playful for both of you. So
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: when Mia Friedman was saying I don't like playing with
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: my kids.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: She's probably saying, I don't want to sit down on
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: the mat and play Barbie Dolls with her for the
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: fifteenth deeenth.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: That's right. I don't want to do this imaginary thing
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: where we talk about dragons and dinosaur.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I've got to put on voices and I'm
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: going to wear a silly wig and yeah.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: That's not play, that's work.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Whereas play when it's both of you, there's a linguistic
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: back and forth, there's a toggle that engages creativity. There's
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: a playful attitude and the play.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: And it no longer feels like work because it's about connection.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Well, it's about connection, seene heard and value. That's the definition, right,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: But specifically when you think about the most fun play,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm having a bit of an
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: insight live as we have this conversation. The most playful
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: we feel is when we are conversing. So you might
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: be playing barbies, or you might be playing footy or
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: ping pong, but it's not the activity, it's the linguistic
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: back and forth. It's the conversation that makes it playful.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: You and I can be having a playful game of
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: ping pong, or we can be breathing threatening rantings at
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: one another as we try to defeat each other. One
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: of them is playful, one of them is not. We
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: can be in the kitchen and we can be playfully
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: doing the dishes, or we can be getting annoyed because
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: I can't believe how many dishes there are and I'm tired.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: So play is about the attitude we bring, and it's
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: about the linguistic back and forth. To me, those are
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: the essential elements of the playbook.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: If I was going to add anything, it would be
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: for parents to remember that this doesn't have to be
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: this big, long, convoluted experience.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Right buckleey in, we're playing for the next three hours.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: You spend five or ten minutes with your kids in
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: a fun, interactive interaction that does wonders for them and
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: for the relationship that you share. I love the idea
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: of making them the center of your world. You've talked
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: about this multiple times. The idea of what does your
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: face say when you see them? You know, do you
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: light up when they walk into the room, if they
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: feel that, that's instant connection.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about what you said there, not so
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: much about making them the center of the universe and
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: you're face lighting up. Although that is part of this,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: but when you sit down, I want to go back
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: to your five or ten minute idea. When you sit
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: down and just say I'm going to commit to this
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: for five or ten minutes. I'm going to be all in.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Even if you're not all in at the start, you
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: give a solid five or ten minutes and you start
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: to really enjoy yourself.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: It's about intention. I really think it's about intention. Too
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: often then we're just kind of going through the motions.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: But if we make an intentional decision I'm all in
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: for ten minutes or for five minutes. If you can't
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: handle ten, more times than not, you actually find that
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: the time disappears and it's not ten minutes, it's twenty
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: or twenty five.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: That's right. Then you sort of get into that flow
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: of it. I use this analogy all the time of
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: the Space Shuttle to get into orbit, it takes ten minutes.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: It's got to go twenty eight thousand kilometers an hour,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: But the first minute, first ten seconds one hundred k's
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: an hour, first minute one thousand k's an hour. The
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: amount of fuel that it goes through in those first
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: few minutes. But by the time it's doing twenty eight
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: thousand k's an hour, and it hits orbit and it
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: drops those tanks and then it's in orbit. It doesn't
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: use any fuel at all. Really when it's in orbit.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: It only needs enough fuel to come back to Earth
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: once it's finished orbiting. And I think play with the
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: kids is the same. You've just got to get in.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: You've just got to get through that first ten seconds,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: that first one minute, that first ten minutes. Get through
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: that and you're in orbit. It becomes I'm going to say, effortless.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: You get into the flow, you get into the and
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: it's beautiful and Kylie, I think the most important thing
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: to highlight here is a lot of people say, well,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I don't have it. I don't have the energy, I'm exhausted,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: I don't have the commitment. I'm not willing to do it.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: And apart from that, what am I going to do?
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Play with them all the time? You don't need to, like,
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: once you get through that first ten, fifteen to twenty minutes,
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: if you need to pull yourself away, your child's cup
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: is full and they're playing and you can usually set
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: them up with other activities that don't involve screens, and
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: they'll be fine. They'll be regulated because they've had you,
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: they've had all of you. It's worked for them.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: But I think there's another benefit that comes from it.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: As adults, we don't actually recognize the power of play
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: in our own lives. We live busy, harried lives and
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: we've got this massive to do list, and we don't
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: realize the power of taking a break and finding something
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: to be joyful about. Connection and creativity literally unlock.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Energy, but it also unlocks your children's skills. To wrap
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: this up. Our podcasts timing, we always go too long.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: This su much till we could talk about here, like
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: we could literally do a two hour pot on this if.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: I was to give you some ideas. Yep, these are
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: really simple things and you're probably actually already doing them,
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: but don't recognize them as being playful. Bedtime, book reading,
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: spending time together at the end of the day, reading books, voices,
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: having conversations.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: And I don't even care if you want to rile
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: the kids up just a little bit with some tickles
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: and some rough and tumble at bedtime, they will be okay.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: Why because they feel connected and it's just good for them.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I'm just putting it out there. I know people don't
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: like it. I know it goes against all the sleep rules,
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: but I've found that with our kids, they've always been okay,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: even if we've riled them up a little bit.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: Making magic moments out of the mundane.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: You're really good at this. This is something that I've
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: never understood, never quite gotten my head around.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: But you do this so well, whether it's you know,
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: can you hop on one foot to the basroom. Can
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: you walk as quiet as a mouse as you go
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: and brush your teeth? Can you blink all the way
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: to the car like? Whatever it is.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: It just doesn't work so well for seventeen year olds,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: but the three year olds love it.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: Just giving them a little action to do, and you're
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: increasing their capacity to kind of do tasks.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about what to do because our time
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: is up. This builds motional intelligence, it builds relationship foundations,
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: problem solving abilities, perspective taking skills. That's what play does.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: That's why it's the work of childhood. Your task, your
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: task this week, because this is about you making your
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: family happier, is to find a five to ten minute
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: window each day this week where your child can have
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: your full attention and you can be playful. Just choose
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: a really mundane activity and gamify it. Maybe it's getting dressed,
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: maybe it's a car ride, maybe it's cleaning up the
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: kitchen or the living room or the bedroom. And let
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: them lead, let them guide, you support as you say, Hey,
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: how can we make this fun? This is not about perfection,
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: This is about connection and presence, and I think you'll
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: get really big returns, returns from what is fundamentally a
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: fairly small investment. Play is not meant to be an
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: overwhelming Oh my goodness, I can't do it. It's one more
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: thing on my list. It's actually part of what we
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: do to integrate happiness into family life and it helps
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: kids to develop the emotional skills that they need for life.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: So start small, be consistent, watch their confidence and connection grow.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. Happy Families podcast is produced
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, and if you'd like
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: more info about making your family happier, you'll find it
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au