Latest / Session Zero Heroes | TTRPG Actual Play Adventures & Improv Storytelling / Criminals of Isla Numus - Episode 27 - Getting Hard

Transcript

Criminals of Isla Numus - Episode 27 - Getting Hard · Session Zero Heroes | TTRPG Actual Play Adventures & Improv Storytelling

• 0:00
  [MUSIC]
• 0:10
  Hello, Erie Traveler.
• 0:12
  I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here, but
• 0:16
  you have stepped into a realm of my creation.
• 0:19
  A sprawling city filled with danger and glory, and most importantly,
• 0:24
  lots of gold.
• 0:25
  I call it, Ilanumis.
• 0:28
  Who am I, you might ask?
• 0:30
  The name is Jarjim, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
• 0:34
  Long story short, this group of idiots, or as you may call them,
• 0:39
  heroes, made a bet with me that they had when it took to make a
• 0:43
  mass trove of gold, but left some of the key details blank.
• 0:48
  So I filled them in myself.
• 0:50
  I sent them to this pocket dimension, into the city I had created
• 0:54
  with brand new bodies they have to attune to.
• 0:58
  Can these fools pass my test, or will they be trapped here forever?
• 1:03
  So experience my world of trials and tribulations, and join alongside
• 1:08
  this posse of pitiful people, or as I like to call them,
• 1:12
  the criminals of Ilanumis.
• 1:16
  Welcome back, everybody.
• 1:17
  We're here for another episode of Criminals of Ilanumis.
• 1:20
  My name is Skylar.
• 1:21
  I'm the host and the Game Master, dungeon master,
• 1:25
  except once again, we have not really covered any dungeons,
• 1:28
  so there is that.
• 1:29
  But anyway, enough about me.
• 1:31
  Let's get to the players and their respective characters.
• 1:34
  To my right, we've got D'ae, playing Maki.
• 1:38
  Look at what Bunga.
• 1:40
  Playing Maki, the third guy, Kinku, a sorcerer.
• 1:46
  That's right.
• 1:47
  Look at my sheep.
• 1:48
  What am I again?
• 1:50
  Well, he used to be Rogue.
• 1:51
  That's true.
• 1:52
  Rogue.
• 1:53
  Rogue the sorcerer seems like a good transition.
• 1:55
  Is that you still playing that sorcerer or prompt as Nick Cage character
• 1:59
  that you bought up many moons ago?
• 2:01
  He'll come back someday.
• 2:04
  And next today, we've got Fatty Lumpkins playing Keto.
• 2:09
  Fatty here playing Keto, the cobalt echonite.
• 2:13
  That's right.
• 2:14
  So I was going to say Druid.
• 2:16
  He was a Druid.
• 2:17
  He was an elf druid.
• 2:18
  Elf druid.
• 2:19
  Elf druid.
• 2:20
  Elf druid.
• 2:21
  I almost thought you were going to say ectoplasmic.
• 2:23
  And I was like, whoa.
• 2:24
  Next to, well, a crass from Fatty Lumpkins.
• 2:28
  We've got Cameron who's playing Rarik.
• 2:32
  Hi.
• 2:33
  I'm Cameron.
• 2:34
  Man, you do that bit like every time.
• 2:35
  I've been editing through the episodes.
• 2:37
  Every time you get introduced, you're like, oh, didn't I feel like Makaela made fun of
• 2:41
  that at some point.
• 2:42
  I feel like you am a killer made fun of it.
• 2:44
  And I'm going to keep doing it because it's funny bit.
• 2:46
  You we bastard.
• 2:48
  I thought you were like, hi, I'm Cameron.
• 2:50
  Yeah.
• 2:51
  And you're Rarik.
• 2:52
  Yeah.
• 2:53
  Playing Rarik and pass.
• 2:54
  Okay.
• 2:55
  Fair enough.
• 2:56
  Not much to say about Rarik, but hopefully more to be said once the episode begins.
• 3:01
  Hopefully can see another one of his best friends or can make a new best friend.
• 3:05
  You best friend.
• 3:06
  You've made too many friends already.
• 3:08
  You're done.
• 3:09
  Your friend, this is my, DND is like my space.
• 3:11
  You only get like three friends.
• 3:13
  Well, sick as I have two currently.
• 3:15
  So I'd rule for a third.
• 3:16
  Dang it.
• 3:17
  I'd rule for a second too.
• 3:18
  Lastly, we've got Jackson who is playing decks.
• 3:22
  Uh, Dez.
• 3:23
  Dez.
• 3:24
  Gosh dang it.
• 3:25
  I always miss that.
• 3:26
  I played Dez.
• 3:28
  He was a Trident fighter gone.
• 3:31
  Cancun Ranger.
• 3:33
  And fun fact about Dez is he used to be monotheistic until the big worm God that he
• 3:39
  worshipped got cut in half.
• 3:41
  So now is he non.
• 3:43
  Now he's polytheistic.
• 3:44
  Oh.
• 3:45
  The joke's not funny if I have to explain it.
• 3:49
  I'm glad you did though.
• 3:51
  Cause that's, well you just, you just had to add that he now he's polytheistic and
• 3:55
  then that just like, Oh, I see what you did there.
• 3:57
  That's good.
• 3:58
  That's good.
• 3:59
  That's funny.
• 4:00
  That's funny.
• 4:01
  All right.
• 4:02
  And then lastly, lastly joining us today, um, because little sauce is still off on his
• 4:05
  own and we'll find out more about that later on.
• 4:08
  So Quinn is not here to represent him, but in his stead sort of not really, uh, we have
• 4:14
  Connor reoccurring guest Connor.
• 4:16
  So Connor, who are you going to be potentially voicing?
• 4:20
  Assuming these guys can get their act together and actually get to that character.
• 4:24
  Uh, if they can get to my guy, um, I am be going to be playing King Fortunous.
• 4:30
  King Fortunous.
• 4:31
  I hear he's all that he's been called by a different name.
• 4:35
  Uh, so we'll see, uh, what we'll see what he, uh, how he pronounces it.
• 4:41
  All right.
• 4:42
  Sounds good.
• 4:43
  And then the next thing and a surprise to even me, uh, with that being said, we're going
• 4:47
  to jump into today's episode.
• 4:55
  And we're back.
• 4:56
  All right.
• 4:57
  Just to kick things off the last time we played, you guys managed to fight and defeat the mitosis
• 5:04
  oris.
• 5:05
  Um, you then sold the body of the mitosis oris to an individual that a couple of you had
• 5:11
  met in the past, a mysterious figure known as Varus shadow caster.
• 5:16
  My new, new best friend.
• 5:19
  Sure.
• 5:20
  Um, from there, you guys just completely went straight over to the nearest magic store,
• 5:26
  uh, which was wacky, wavy, abatable wands.
• 5:28
  We spent an entire episode at that store.
• 5:31
  It was great.
• 5:32
  I will admit it was a lot of fun.
• 5:33
  Um, but a couple of you stole some wands that were at this shop and I would love personally
• 5:40
  to know about those ones.
• 5:41
  So I reached out to our community, amazing community on social media and had them send
• 5:46
  in a whole bunch of ideas for wands and they did and they were fantastic.
• 5:50
  Now keep in mind, these are wacky, wavy, abatable wands.
• 5:53
  These are trash wands.
• 5:55
  And by that, I mean they're not like your fancy wands that you'd spend a whole bunch of money
• 5:59
  on.
• 6:00
  These are cheap and, and you know, minimal use wants not to say that what they do is
• 6:05
  an amazing and hilarious and great, just that they don't do a lot.
• 6:10
  Right.
• 6:11
  You're not going to cast fireball with these moan wands, but with that being said, I would
• 6:14
  love to know what your wands do.
• 6:17
  So to either one of you want to start with telling us, as you guys open up the packaging
• 6:22
  for these wands inside, there's a note telling you a full description of what they do.
• 6:27
  Uh, you only have two.
• 6:29
  You go first.
• 6:30
  I can go first.
• 6:31
  Uh, my first one is called Wanda Starverse.
• 6:33
  Graded by Michael Baker.
• 6:35
  Vodka.
• 6:36
  Like a clock.
• 6:37
  Or a trademark.
• 6:38
  Or a starburst.
• 6:39
  No, no, I mean it's just a general.
• 6:41
  Starburst.
• 6:42
  Anyways, you spend one charge.
• 6:44
  It's definitely different because I spend one charge to produce a piece of safe, edible
• 6:48
  and delicious candy.
• 6:49
  That was a castor's choice as long as it's no bigger than five cubic centimeters.
• 6:54
  Trick is you cannot make an identical flavor to a previous candy produced that day.
• 7:00
  And then at the end of the day, all my charges come back to me.
• 7:02
  How many charges does it have?
• 7:04
  Well, holy cow.
• 7:05
  Make 12 candies a day.
• 7:06
  Now it's important that this comes with your...
• 7:09
  Why aren't you using them all up immediately?
• 7:10
  Sure.
• 7:11
  This goes with a lot of responsibility of you, Karen, making up candies as you're summoning
• 7:17
  them.
• 7:18
  Now I'm copyrightable candy.
• 7:19
  That's also true.
• 7:20
  Don't tell me you got a Hershey bar.
• 7:22
  I don't want to hear about that.
• 7:23
  I had a millemic with lemon lime.
• 7:26
  DL lemon lime candy.
• 7:28
  Lemon lime treat.
• 7:29
  That's fine.
• 7:30
  That's allowed.
• 7:31
  That's allowed.
• 7:32
  The first one I got was the wand of Breed garlic by the Thorn Flies podcast.
• 7:39
  The wand can be used on any bread to turn into garlic bread when the bread is consumed during
• 7:43
  downtime or a short rest.
• 7:45
  It restores 1d4 HP for each slice of bread eaten.
• 7:49
  For each slice, though, the player takes a minus one to any charisma check moving forward
• 7:54
  until they spend a short rest brushing their teeth.
• 7:57
  A whole short rest?
• 7:59
  That's like around like four...
• 8:00
  That's like one to four hours.
• 8:02
  Yeah, sit there brushing your teeth for at least a whole hour to get that charisma back.
• 8:07
  That'll be interesting.
• 8:08
  I'm excited to see if you use that.
• 8:09
  All right.
• 8:10
  Des, what magic wands did you steal?
• 8:13
  I grabbed three wands.
• 8:15
  I'm going to not read them in order.
• 8:17
  Okay.
• 8:18
  That's fine.
• 8:19
  The one of the wands that I got was the wand of Fish's mockery made by Whiskey Kitty Studios.
• 8:26
  Nice.
• 8:27
  When pointed at a fish, you let out a stream of very insulting profanity.
• 8:31
  To be clear, it is at the fish.
• 8:34
  Yes.
• 8:35
  It is in the fish language.
• 8:36
  In the fish's mind.
• 8:38
  Is what it's...
• 8:39
  No, in the fish language makes more sense.
• 8:40
  Yeah.
• 8:41
  Like, I guess if you were just like another person, like on your canoe sailing by and then
• 8:46
  Des...
• 8:47
  You just hear him go...
• 8:48
  To us, it's ASMR.
• 8:53
  To the fish, they're being actively traumatized by the horrific language coming out of this
• 8:59
  wand.
• 9:00
  Another one that I got is the wand of the Arborist.
• 9:04
  And by jamming the wand into the dirt, you cast plant growth to produce a single tree
• 9:09
  as a ritual one time at the cost of the wand as a material.
• 9:14
  It does not require concentration, verbal or semantic opponents.
• 9:18
  So you just jam that wand in the ground and it becomes a tree and then that's it.
• 9:22
  But hey, a well-placed tree is a powerful ally.
• 9:26
  I know exactly how I'm going to use it.
• 9:28
  Oh my gosh.
• 9:29
  For the final one, Connor, I must know.
• 9:32
  Does your guy wear a belt?
• 9:34
  I don't know.
• 9:35
  He's definitely shirtless.
• 9:37
  I mean, he has a W-A-W-E belt.
• 9:41
  Oh, we're having this waste at all times.
• 9:43
  For the sake of this wand, I want to say yes.
• 9:46
  He wears pants.
• 9:48
  I like the idea that he's got a champion's belt like that too.
• 9:52
  He's got a huge, like...
• 9:53
  He talks like the holster.
• 9:55
  He's got three minutes.
• 9:58
  So three minutes.
• 9:59
  It's a late day.
• 10:00
  I would say yes.
• 10:01
  He has a hole cool with it.
• 10:03
  He's got a brandy's face.
• 10:05
  On the cream.
• 10:07
  It's fitting with the bone size.
• 10:09
  I have made my decision.
• 10:12
  He talks like bone size.
• 10:13
  I like it.
• 10:14
  I like it.
• 10:15
  And he does indeed wear a belt.
• 10:16
  Yes, he wears a belt.
• 10:17
  So what is this wand?
• 10:18
  I had to do it.
• 10:19
  It's just the wand of in-between belt holes.
• 10:25
  It's by Alex is my name, but it's his name.
• 10:27
  That was his actual handle too.
• 10:29
  The wheeler can expel a charge to target a creature.
• 10:33
  The target must succeed on a wisdom saving throw against the caster's spell safe, wisdom.
• 10:38
  If failed, belts no longer fit properly on the target until midnight the day of the charge
• 10:44
  was expelled.
• 10:45
  Either the target's pants constantly fall down or the target feels like they are being
• 10:50
  cut in half by the belt.
• 10:52
  The charge can be restored by wrapping the belt around the belt.
• 10:55
  The charge can be restored by wrapping a leather belt around the wand's handle.
• 10:59
  The belt is consumed.
• 11:01
  So how do you decide if it gets tighter or looser?
• 11:03
  I'm going to flip a coin.
• 11:05
  Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
• 11:07
  I like that it's not per long rest.
• 11:08
  I just didn't finish reading the paragraph when I asked you about it.
• 11:12
  Oh yeah, that's right.
• 11:13
  Just the cost of a belt.
• 11:15
  Right, yeah.
• 11:16
  He wears a giant champion WWE belt.
• 11:19
  I am going to only be a kleptomaniac for belts from now on.
• 11:25
  Every time we're in a general store, that will be my first question.
• 11:28
  Skyler is furiously googling how much a leather belt would cost in D&D.
• 11:32
  With that being said, you guys are standing with your brand new wands, which you are now
• 11:36
  all aware of how they work and what they do.
• 11:38
  You guys are standing probably, let's say you walked a block away at least from this
• 11:43
  wand shop before you started just looking at the things you stole from them.
• 11:48
  And yeah, that's where you guys are at.
• 11:50
  What is your guys' plan right now?
• 11:51
  It's pretty early in the day, honestly.
• 11:53
  You guys kind of just got up not too long ago from a rest.
• 11:56
  So Gavin?
• 11:57
  No, Gavin went to go pick up his drag cleaning.
• 12:01
  Where are you guys headed?
• 12:02
  He told you all about King Fortunas, which is on your list to go find.
• 12:06
  So where are we going, gang?
• 12:07
  Uh, Dez Shrugs.
• 12:08
  Are we going to go kill that big bird fella?
• 12:12
  Even though Gavin specifically told us not to kill the big bird fella, which only makes
• 12:16
  me want to kill the big bird fella even more.
• 12:19
  Especially since I'm the toughest guy in town.
• 12:22
  Why are you laughing at me?
• 12:23
  Did you have a near-death experience against a puppet?
• 12:26
  Oh, man.
• 12:27
  You gotta bring up.
• 12:28
  Oh, man.
• 12:29
  Brutal.
• 12:30
  Okay, random citizen.
• 12:31
  Yeah, this dude's just in there.
• 12:34
  Oh, brutal bird.
• 12:36
  He told you about that puppet that beat you to crap.
• 12:40
  Man.
• 12:41
  Wow.
• 12:42
  And he just keeps walking.
• 12:43
  And as he's walking away, you just hear him go, "Whooey!"
• 12:45
  I didn't wake that guy.
• 12:47
  He's not going to be your new friend?
• 12:50
  He's going on the list.
• 12:52
  Him and Hal Hippodum.
• 12:55
  So are we going to go kill Kingfark Tutanus or something?
• 12:58
  He's over in the Atlantic Heights district.
• 13:01
  Speaking of belts, how many days we got left on your belt?
• 13:04
  Before it implodes on you.
• 13:06
  Oh, yeah.
• 13:07
  Oh, yeah, I'm wearing a belt.
• 13:10
  Dez, I see.
• 13:12
  There's a proverbial light bulb over here, huh?
• 13:20
  I think they had like three days or something.
• 13:26
  This would be, technically, this is day one.
• 13:30
  He's sitting in the heaven.
• 13:32
  I didn't hear nothing.
• 13:33
  What is it?
• 13:34
  Dez very reverently beholds the belt.
• 13:41
  On that he is just unhovered.
• 13:44
  Like heavenly light is shined on it.
• 13:47
  And Dez writes on his little chalkboard.
• 13:50
  He says, "I have an idea."
• 13:53
  What is it?
• 13:54
  Dez is wiping off his chalkboard.
• 13:58
  He writes on it some more.
• 13:59
  And it says, "We use the belt wand to potentially loosen your belts."
• 14:07
  There's a 50/50 chair.
• 14:08
  It's the saws of an hand.
• 14:09
  I tried to hear Reitz's intent.
• 14:11
  He writes up some more and he goes, "There's a 50/50 chance you could be really uncomfortable."
• 14:19
  I hate being uncomfortable.
• 14:21
  What does in character hands your guy with?
• 14:25
  The house.
• 14:26
  I can't read all that.
• 14:27
  I can read like a bit of characters.
• 14:31
  For you understanding by jargon, I can read now, remember?
• 14:34
  Oh, yeah.
• 14:35
  Let me hit it.
• 14:36
  You can read now.
• 14:37
  Okay.
• 14:38
  You've been reading all day.
• 14:40
  Yeah, I just, it's new to me.
• 14:43
  I'm so used to not being able to read.
• 14:45
  Okay, so there's a half 50% chance it makes this belt one belt loop looser.
• 14:53
  That's good.
• 14:54
  I can just squeeze right out of this bad boy.
• 14:57
  The other chance it makes it one belt loop tighter causing me to be an extreme painfully
• 15:06
  remainder of the day.
• 15:08
  Des gets you a thumbs up.
• 15:10
  Hey, I've got a great idea.
• 15:11
  And I don't tend to be how good an idea is, but I always have great ideas.
• 15:16
  Yes, the offense says specifically that the effects of it go away at midnight.
• 15:23
  So if you just cast it on the right before midnight, I could squeeze out if it's correct,
• 15:29
  but if it's wrong, I'll lay up to suffer for like a minute.
• 15:33
  Hmm, loop how?
• 15:35
  He's got a point.
• 15:40
  Des writes on his chartboard.
• 15:42
  What if you can't get out of the belt fast enough?
• 15:44
  Well, we're going to like five minutes before and make sure we have lots of butter.
• 15:49
  Des nods.
• 15:50
  Now, I do have a question.
• 15:52
  Do you think that I could just constantly be wrapping belts around this wand to continuously
• 15:58
  get charges or is it like one charge?
• 16:01
  I think it's able to hold one charge.
• 16:03
  You could get an attachment to the put to slide onto the back of the wand to add charge
• 16:09
  storage.
• 16:10
  Yeah, exactly.
• 16:11
  Yeah, back to the impovery.
• 16:15
  Well, you just gotta be careful.
• 16:18
  Once you use that thing, don't tuck it in your belt.
• 16:21
  Oh, oh yeah.
• 16:22
  Yeah, your pan frame falls out.
• 16:27
  It eats it like a noodle.
• 16:28
  I would like to roll to.
• 16:32
  That's a good way to put in my belt explicitly says you have to wrap it around.
• 16:38
  I would like to wait, we could take it out of me and then wrap it around it and it'll
• 16:44
  disappear and then they will feel the track.
• 16:47
  It's assuming you can get where they go until they want.
• 16:50
  Step one guys, step one guys.
• 16:53
  You guys have hours before midnight.
• 16:55
  Well, we'll get there eventually.
• 16:57
  I would like to immediately pick pocket someone's belt to get a belt off.
• 17:02
  Some money, some random person.
• 17:05
  Okay, I want we're in the middle of town.
• 17:08
  There's someone's got to disagree as you're rolling the D 20 for your slight of hand.
• 17:14
  I want you to think about how you're going about the idea of stealing a belt right off
• 17:19
  a person's waist.
• 17:20
  Okay, that is a net one.
• 17:22
  Oh my name.
• 17:24
  Des is going to do this like ballerina routines where he's like, no, he's doing periods and
• 17:32
  little spins here and there as he's in the middle of one of the spins.
• 17:35
  He just grabs someone's belt and just rips it.
• 17:38
  Can it be that one bystander that interrupted us?
• 17:41
  Dude, they're so far gone at this point.
• 17:43
  Anyway, no, this is just some random, some old dude with a cane is tossing a coin into
• 17:50
  the well and Des just starts doing his ballerina dancing.
• 17:55
  He splashing through the water surprises the old man who kind of lunges back a little bit
• 18:00
  because a bunch of water comes and sprays up and then you, you like you said, you puree
• 18:04
  with your arms out and just grab his belt as he's kind of leaning backwards and it all
• 18:09
  just slides right off his belt.
• 18:12
  Not the rest of his pants.
• 18:14
  Just to clarify, wouldn't his pants then fall off?
• 18:16
  Yeah, he takes a step back and his pants off and he's so distracted by the embarrassment.
• 18:22
  He doesn't really think about how they fell off or where his belt is.
• 18:26
  He just grabs them with his one hand that he doesn't require to be on his cane to keep
• 18:30
  him above ground.
• 18:32
  It was one of those back belts and then he falls on the ground.
• 18:35
  Oh, my back! My back! My back! My wrist came true. It's all turns out to be good.
• 18:48
  He like unfolds. Like he had severe scoliosis. It was the 90 degree man. Local legend, 90
• 18:57
  degree man. But now, now as he picks himself back up and he stands full height, he says,
• 19:05
  I don't feel the need to kill people because of my 90 degree-ness. And he goes and he drops
• 19:11
  the cane and he just goes walking off. So there you go. You got a belt and you also miraculously
• 19:17
  cured an old man of his severe scoliosis. He's out there and he's just thinking to himself,
• 19:23
  what kind of ballerina really helped me out today fixing my back? Well, he probably just
• 19:29
  thinks it was the well to be fair. It was just his wish in the well. Don't ask. I'll
• 19:33
  never tell. That's right.
• 19:35
  How about we go to the Atlantic Heights now? You guys are actually not far. You're on the
• 19:41
  same side of the river. We plan when it comes to confronting this drug-ridden falcon. Are
• 19:50
  we just going to go pick a fight and hope maybe we can challenge him to a game of chess?
• 19:57
  Yeah, but he's dumb. Yeah, he's real dumb. I bet he came and read. So you guys are headed
• 20:04
  to the Atlantic Heights district, which is just south of you. You ask someone along the
• 20:09
  way. It doesn't matter who or you just look at some kind of a map of the city that would
• 20:14
  be publicly displayed like at malls, how they have those those partitions that have like
• 20:19
  a whole map on them and they're like, you are here. There's one of those that shows
• 20:23
  you're in mediumville and Atlantic Heights district is just south of you. It is it borders
• 20:29
  the ocean on this side of the river versus the Gortham district where you were to help
• 20:35
  with the McGriddle situation, which is on the other side of the river, but also borders
• 20:40
  the ocean.
• 20:42
  And so spending, let's say, you know, three hours, you make your way into sort of the
• 20:47
  primary section of the Atlantic Heights district. Now, once you arrive in the Atlantic Heights
• 20:54
  district, I can give you a little bit of a description of what it looks like. Nestled
• 20:58
  along the city's waterfront, Atlantic Heights is a vibrant district that captures the essence
• 21:02
  of maritime charm. The bustling dock district buzzes with activity as ships of all sizes
• 21:08
  come and go carrying goods and passengers from allegedly distant lands. It embraces a very
• 21:14
  nautical theme creating an atmosphere that pays homage to the seafaring adventures and
• 21:18
  legends of the various people that populate it. The architecture of Atlantic Heights reflects
• 21:23
  a fusion of coastal influences, winding cobblestone streets lead visitors through a maze of bustling
• 21:30
  markets where the air is filled with the aroma of fresh caught fish, saltwater, and maybe
• 21:37
  above that the enticing sense of local cuisine. I'm not saying that the sense themselves are
• 21:42
  pleasant, but they are fresh. And they are local. And they are local. Stoles and shops
• 21:49
  line the waterfront and the town leading up to the waterfront, offering an array of nautical
• 21:55
  themed crafts, seashell jewelry, maritime memorabilia, and then of course fish, obviously. You
• 22:01
  know what I was just about to ask, are there fish that I can insult? Well, most of the
• 22:06
  fish you see are dead, but yeah, so that's, I mean, that's a basic gist of the Atlantic
• 22:11
  Heights district. It's filled with, it's honestly, it's very similar to the Gortham
• 22:16
  district. When you were there, the main difference is that maybe Gortham was a bit smaller and
• 22:22
  felt a little bit more condensed so that it doesn't span outwards and therefore is not
• 22:29
  as nice. It was a little bit more rough and rowdy. This feels like there's a bit more
• 22:33
  culture. There's a little bit more just existence within this part of the city because it's
• 22:38
  larger. Is there another fun map that gives us information where things are in this area?
• 22:44
  Are you looking for something in particular? Yeah, the gridiron. Yeah, that's not labeled
• 22:48
  anyway. I was about to say, yeah, the specific guy we're looking for. You are here. King
• 22:55
  Fortunus is here. Now, can I scan the proverbial crowd? Okay. And see if there's a person
• 23:02
  that looks like they might be a... Connor, what would you call yourself? A metalhead, a junkie,
• 23:08
  a body-hiller, an ego-head? You'd kind of had like a gym... He'd look like a, like a,
• 23:18
  like a roid, a roid rage. Roid head. I don't know what it's called. Most of the guy who definitely
• 23:27
  looks like he's on steroids. The sauce. So you all look for a lost-the-sauce guy.
• 23:32
  Roll, roll, uh, perception? 16. Okay. So you're looking for somebody that's lost in the sauce,
• 23:38
  and you see a familiar figure. You said lost in the sauce. Uh, you see a familiar figure.
• 23:44
  Big sauce. The guy that bought out little sauce. You do see him and his two cronies,
• 23:51
  whose names completely flown over my head by this point, if I ever said them. Weevis in what head?
• 24:01
  Yeah, sure. We'll go with that. Anyway, uh, they are standing there, uh,
• 24:06
  putting the finishing touches on a little stand that says, "Big sauces, sauce stand,"
• 24:13
  and then imprints these underneath Atlantic Heights District. This is the second location.
• 24:19
  Oh, cool. I don't know, walk up to them. Do you want me to tell you the other person that you see?
• 24:23
  Who's the other person I see? You see a ripped sailor dude. Like he's in one of them, like,
• 24:29
  striped stripes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in one of them striped sailor suits. He's got a sailor hat on,
• 24:33
  and this dude is tank. So you see this, this hulking tank gif, and he's wearing sort of that
• 24:40
  typical striped sailor outfit. He's got a sailor hat on with a little, like, red feather.
• 24:46
  He looks like he's wearing Popeye's outfit. He's got the harem pants on. It's great. Anyway,
• 24:52
  that's the other person you see. The him now. Gif? The gif? The gif. Okay. All I see is you
• 24:57
  do a Popeye impression. Okay. Hi, how are you? Yeah, what on? I'm doing just fine. That's pretty good.
• 25:07
  Hey, I got a question for you. You seem like a swarly fella. Yeah, I'm pretty swarly. What are
• 25:14
  you? I was a pirate in my former days. Do you like pirates? No, I don't like pirates on the web.
• 25:19
  That's fine. I'm not one anymore. Pirates are my worst enemies. Oh, well, good thing I'm not one of them.
• 25:25
  Brutal is a pirate. He's a real little stick in the mud. Yeah, pirates are the worst.
• 25:30
  Anyways, I had a question for you. Yeah, what do you want? Since you seem to be a bodybuilding.
• 25:34
  All right, but you better hurry up because I got to get home to avocado oil.
• 25:39
  Do you know where the gridiron is? He starts to look back and forth. He says,
• 25:46
  what do you need to do with the gridiron? I need the lifts of weights. We all do. And I point to my
• 25:54
  on Teraj let's just see but you
• 25:57
  don't look like the tight Fle Vorrell do a athletics check
• 26:01
  let's look literally what that's for performance but 7 rather than
• 26:09
  that I don't You mean don't give me wrong. You definitely need to
• 26:11
  bombsome iron, but I don't know if you're gonna fit in with the
• 26:15
  nacho beasts. I'm such a beast. They're beasts. No, no, no,
• 26:20
  no, no, no, no, no, no. The gang, the beasts. The gang beasts. Yeah, the
• 26:24
  beasts. The gang. Oh, well, how do you leave that to us to the
• 26:29
  side? Hey, man, maybe it's your funeral. Okay. Alright, here's
• 26:34
  what you want to do. You're gonna go down Main Street and then
• 26:37
  you're gonna take a left. Then you're gonna take a left. Then
• 26:40
  you're gonna take a left. Then you're not gonna take it to the
• 26:43
  left because you're gonna go straight for three straights. Then
• 26:46
  I'm gonna get the one on my street because it's an alleyway. And
• 26:50
  you're gonna go into that alleyway. There's gonna be a guy
• 26:52
  of every about as big as me, probably bigger. Okay. He's a
• 26:56
  spinach. He eats this. I eat spinach but I don't need as much
• 27:00
  as he does. Okay. This heels are gonna have a lower name.
• 27:05
  Olive oil. What? What's he doing to olive oil? I'll punch him.
• 27:10
  Smack him. So you said go straight, go left, take a left.
• 27:15
  No, I said go down Main Street, then into the left, left, left,
• 27:18
  straight. Take a left, go straight. All the way. All the way.
• 27:21
  Straight into the alleyway. Spinach. You got spinach? I don't
• 27:26
  got spinach. Oh, oh, right. See in the spinach guy. Yeah,
• 27:29
  that's what you want to do. And do I have to say a code doing
• 27:31
  with something? Uh, no, you probably have to fight him. Why
• 27:35
  am I bragging with spinach? Mmm, that might work. Okay. Do
• 27:39
  you know where I can get some spinach? Yeah, I'm not gonna
• 27:41
  tell you my sauce. That's my spinach. You get your own
• 27:44
  spinach. We're in a wait. Mr. What's your name again? My name
• 27:50
  is your name is your name is do you want to be my new best
• 27:54
  friend? Come talk to me after you've been to the grid. I got
• 27:58
  it. We'll do go listen wait. I'm gonna write potential new best
• 28:02
  friend acquaintance acquaintance by the and as he walks away,
• 28:08
  he you just hear him go. Alright. So that's what you've
• 28:13
  garnished. You now have alleged instructions to get you to the
• 28:17
  gridiron. Yeah. Oh yeah. So let's I'm gonna follow his
• 28:20
  directions but as we're following along, I want to see
• 28:23
  if there's a potential spinach stand or something we pass.
• 28:26
  Okay. Okay. Okay. They're all empty. Makes sense apparently
• 28:31
  with this towel. You uh you don't see any stands for a
• 28:35
  spinach. I'm gonna lead the way. Oh, I have a hunch this
• 28:39
  burst is actually just a can of spinach. He's not saying no.
• 28:45
  Okay. I got a great idea. Just lead us down to the alleyway.
• 28:50
  Just follow the direction. Straight down Main Street. Left
• 28:53
  left left. Yup. Straight alleyway. Is there a dude at the
• 28:57
  end of it in front of the door? There is a figure. Uh it's
• 29:00
  kind of dark in the alleyway because they're I mean the
• 29:02
  buildings around this area, they're pretty tall and they're
• 29:05
  all roofed in such a way so that it leaves a lot of
• 29:08
  shadows in the alleyways. So, you see in the distance the
• 29:12
  shadows coming down and there's a figure amongst the
• 29:15
  shadows and a door that's right next to him. Okay. We are all
• 29:20
  gonna walk up to him. Okay. As you approach, you start to look
• 29:26
  over this individual and you realize this isn't just a dude.
• 29:30
  This isn't just a ripped dude. Although this dude is massive.
• 29:32
  It is a warforged. Oh, cool. Hey, hello. Hello. Can we get in
• 29:40
  the gym? This is no ordinary gym. Yes. This is correct. I
• 29:49
  start flexing. I say, what's for behind me? I go, flex.
• 29:51
  Flex with me, boys. Flex with me, homie. Dad just starts just
• 29:56
  hoes in the yard. Yeah, I'll show you some flexing and
• 30:02
  Maki turns around and mumbles under his breath. Uh,
• 30:08
  indentations for silent image. Oh, he takes off his cloak with
• 30:14
  his with his back turned and he creates the image of, you
• 30:20
  know, just a supular muscular like bodybuilder. Nice.
• 30:25
  As broad as a wagon. He brought a wagon? As broad as a wagon.
• 30:30
  Roll me an intimidation with advantage. Oh, no.
• 30:37
  That's not gonna be good. Wait, intimidation? Yeah.
• 30:41
  Actually, it's an 11. 11? Well, he looks over at you and he says,
• 30:46
  I can see you are quite strong. Perhaps you would make a great
• 30:52
  addition to the package deal. Um, does does have a strength
• 30:59
  score of 18. What? If that means anything, I was gonna say, I
• 31:04
  would imagine Keto does. Uh, he looks over at the rest of you
• 31:07
  and he says, I'm definitely just the wimp of the group. He
• 31:10
  says, I will allow you all entrance if you can complete
• 31:16
  this one task. What's the task? New 20 pull ups and he
• 31:23
  points over and there's there's like a you know how like the
• 31:25
  stairs like the fire stairs coming off of a building and
• 31:29
  stuff like that. So, there's a set of those in this alleyway
• 31:31
  and he just points to one of the bars. I love this. Instead of
• 31:34
  doing 20 pull ups, how about a trade? What do you like spinach?
• 31:39
  I don't like spinach. I love spinach. Perfect. Okay. So, you
• 31:47
  let us in an exchange. I have a piece of salt water tapi that
• 31:54
  tastes exactly like spinach. But then it is not spinach. What
• 32:00
  it is. He looks at you quizzically. Candy. Cannot
• 32:03
  compute. Well, you will be able to compute once you try it.
• 32:08
  Proceed. Oh, and I'm going to pull out the magic wand of
• 32:12
  Starburst. Okay. And I'm going to open up my hand and I'm
• 32:15
  going to pull it along. I'm going to tap my hand and a
• 32:18
  greenish salt water tapi is going to appear in my hand and
• 32:23
  its flavor profile is spinach. Okay. Okay. Okay. He's
• 32:29
  salting us to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He takes it and he he puts
• 32:32
  it into his before he takes it. I said, do we have a deal? If
• 32:37
  this truly is like spinach, we have a deal. My mouth will be the
• 32:44
  judge. Okay. He puts it into his mouth. He starts to eat it.
• 32:48
  No. No. No. No. No. No. I mean, he likes it. This tastes like
• 32:55
  shit. So, it doesn't taste like spinach? This flavor is
• 32:59
  unfamiliar to me. Usually spinach is handled in a
• 33:06
  mild. Oh, it's time for pull up skies. Mini just just code for
• 33:11
  steroids. I think I think it's just his burst.
• 33:16
  He started calling it. They call it because the police were
• 33:21
  cracking down so hard on it and what's the best way for drug
• 33:24
  dealers to get the police off of you? Change the name. Just
• 33:27
  change the term. The street term. Um okay. So, you guys
• 33:30
  approach this dude. The only person that doesn't is Dave.
• 33:33
  Dave, you're clear. Uh uh Maki's clear for uh entrance. It's
• 33:38
  just whether these guys get in with him. So, the three of you
• 33:42
  using your athletics uh. I argue acrobatic. Yeah, sure.
• 33:46
  Because I mean, all things considered like your acrobatics
• 33:49
  plus one to plus 12. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I want you guys to get
• 33:54
  in, you know, 28. Nice. 23. 23. Uh nine. No. Okay. Well, the
• 34:01
  other two of you quickly finish up 20 pull ups. Uh Des is
• 34:06
  stuck at nine and then he he just he can't go anymore. You
• 34:12
  got jelly arms so bad. Dick deep. Des. Can you like inspire
• 34:17
  him or something? I do actually have bardic inspiration but
• 34:20
  I'm not sure if that would help in his current situation. I
• 34:23
  don't know. You could talk. Yeah, the power of of
• 34:25
  encouragement here. It's like go go go. Even encouragement.
• 34:31
  Mm. The bardic inspiration. What does that sound like? You got
• 34:34
  this Des. If you fail, we'll fail. Okay, what does he what does
• 34:39
  he get for that? A D? Just a D six. Okay, so roll the D six.
• 34:43
  So, you can add that. It's not going to get you to the 20
• 34:45
  that you need but it's going to get you close if someone else
• 34:48
  can do anything that help out as well. I don't know if anyone
• 34:51
  has any kind of magic. I think it could help her with my four.
• 34:55
  Four. Okay. Help them with my invisible maychan too. Sure.
• 34:59
  Add a add a D four for the maychan by pushing him up. So, you're
• 35:04
  at thirteen so far. Uh three. Three. Okay, so now you're at
• 35:08
  sixteen. Uh Kudo sees this. He's going to pull out the
• 35:12
  golden wood whistle. Blow his whistle and also send the
• 35:15
  little imps are going to show up and he's starting doing like
• 35:18
  the Rocky. The Rocky.
• 35:25
  Alright, since you guys all I think with with all the pitching
• 35:30
  in, I think you're able just like you just barely pull your
• 35:34
  chin up and then you just drop but you did manage to do 20.
• 35:38
  Well done. You may all enter the grid. Iron. I'm in. We all say
• 35:44
  that as the walk-ins. I'm in. One by one as you walk in. I'm
• 35:49
  in. I'm in. I'm in.
• 35:52
  [Music]
• 35:56
  Alright, as you enter the grid, iron, it is exactly what you
• 36:06
  would imagine. It is just an entire massive gym with any
• 36:10
  kind of workout equipment. Yeah, it's a big warehouse with
• 36:14
  gym equipment. Which is exactly what a gym is. It's
• 36:18
  open force facing. Yes. Massive building. Yep. It's hard.
• 36:23
  It's hard wood though or actually probably be like some kind
• 36:25
  of brick or cement even. Some kind of early cement that just
• 36:29
  covers the ground. Like they don't they're not like oh man
• 36:31
  we're going to cover this in foam or some kind of like rubber
• 36:35
  stuff because like well that's for pansies. We're hard.
• 36:40
  Whoa. Hey, yo. They're just all walking around with these
• 36:45
  giant. No, they'd be smaller because they've all been on
• 36:47
  cement. That's so much spinach. Yeah, too much spinach.
• 36:51
  That's right. Um no but there are characters from every species
• 36:56
  in Dungeons and Dragons in here and all of them are ripped.
• 37:00
  And to top that off, they're all looking at you as you pass by
• 37:04
  and they're kind of they're not just looking at you. They're
• 37:07
  looking down on you except for you. Uh Maki, I think you're
• 37:10
  they see you and they'll like they give a little nod. You're
• 37:13
  like one guy says, hey, you. Yeah. Nice pecs. Oh, thanks and I
• 37:21
  make them dance.
• 37:25
  Maki, I didn't know you could do that. So, I still have the
• 37:30
  silent image going and I'm just making the image move. Yep.
• 37:34
  Make mine. As long as it doesn't make sound, you can do it.
• 37:37
  That's awesome. Maki scans the gym for like a like a kitchen
• 37:41
  area or somewhere where they're you know, got people making
• 37:44
  protein shakes. So, like, oh, 100%. There's this giant rip like
• 37:49
  barista looking dude and he's got his he's got his protein
• 37:53
  shaker and he's just shaking it all like you would like with a
• 37:56
  fancy drink. Shake. He's got a shake weight but on either end
• 38:02
  it's just two protein mixer. Are you approaching this? Yeah,
• 38:06
  hit over there. And man, what can I get you? You want
• 38:11
  something? You want some you want some grow? You want some
• 38:15
  beef? What you guys do for pre workout around here? Man, I
• 38:20
  got anything you could ever ask for for pre workout. Man, I
• 38:23
  got I got pork. I got beef. He's just listing off meats but
• 38:28
  he's got shakes. I got well you like them fruity flavors. I
• 38:33
  got strawberry. I got peaches and cream. No, uh, don't
• 38:38
  mind. He uh, he would uh eat raw eggs. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
• 38:45
  See, that's some classic stuff right there. Yeah, I got how
• 38:48
  many eggs you want but they weren't just any eggs. He had uh
• 38:53
  I don't know how we got him but he had whale eggs. You ever had
• 38:57
  a whale egg? No. Me neither but I'd like to try one one day.
• 39:02
  What what kind of egg was you gonna say? Yeah, somehow got a
• 39:06
  hold of some wyvern. Wyvern? Wow. Now I'm saying somebody go
• 39:11
  so crazy in the gym. Oh, now we do it. That would do it. Did
• 39:15
  he grow an extra head too? Maybe two, maybe three. I think he
• 39:21
  started growing uh look like another appendage like maybe a
• 39:24
  tail. Man, if I could grow another bicep, I don't need the
• 39:30
  rest of the arm. Just the bicep and I'd be pumping that
• 39:33
  thing. You got any uh any specialty eggs? Specialty eggs.
• 39:38
  What's what's the best kind of eggs you got here? Uh but the
• 39:42
  the best egg I got. I got you. Zomaki is uh he was all the way
• 39:47
  over here. He was reading the black tome or whatever it was
• 39:51
  called. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh. Pretty homonculus. So, he's
• 39:55
  looking for eggs because that's one of the ingredients that
• 39:57
  you need. Well, uh I got an owl bear egg. What do you think
• 40:02
  about that? Oh, that actually sounds perfect. Yeah. Give it give
• 40:08
  it to me whole. I want to eat the shell too. He's hard. You
• 40:12
  look. It's the egg. That's why we're all eating eggs in here.
• 40:19
  Yeah. Alright. Just totally unrelated to whatever
• 40:23
  conversation they were having. It's just like he's hard. As you
• 40:27
  pass every guy, Des is just writing on his board. He's
• 40:30
  hard. He's just maling. He's telling. Marks for hard guys.
• 40:36
  He's hard. One, two, she's hard. She's. Stosterone goes both
• 40:41
  ways. Um yeah, he he gives you he gives you this uh this uh
• 40:46
  owl bear egg and it's pretty big. It's a big egg. It's
• 40:50
  probably about the size of your head almost. Okay.
• 40:56
  One bite. One bite. One bite. Oh, let me just clean it off
• 41:02
  here. I uh start wiping it down and I'm gonna cast use my uh
• 41:09
  sorcery skills to cast subtle spell which I'm gonna do minor
• 41:14
  illusion. Oh, okay. To create an image of an object. So an
• 41:19
  image of the egg. Oh, and then uh I gotta try to tuck the other
• 41:24
  one in my cloak. Okay. We're just gonna roll with it. I will
• 41:29
  use um my mimicry skills to create the sound of an egg
• 41:35
  cracking as I dip my beak into the spake image to this minor
• 41:41
  illusion and then I'll lift it up and and pretend to
• 41:45
  pretend to suck out the egg noise and make like
• 41:50
  mimicry. It's slurping noises.
• 41:53
  Oh, that's to stop you.
• 42:00
  And the guy's just like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's
• 42:06
  what I'm talking about. That's hard. That's how you get hard.
• 42:11
  That's how you get a whole room hard and there's a handful of
• 42:15
  other people around you that are like clapping. Oh, yeah, eat
• 42:18
  that egg and then all of a sudden from uh a second there's
• 42:23
  like a second floor in this warehouse. All of a sudden this
• 42:26
  dude just comes flying. He's like reasonably muscular, maybe
• 42:30
  not as muscular as some of the others. Um comes flying just
• 42:33
  hits the ground just flat onto the ground. He is dead. 100%
• 42:38
  He just got thrown from this ledge and then all of a
• 42:43
  sudden a second individual comes leaping off the edge slams
• 42:47
  into the ground three point pose and before you see this
• 42:52
  giant ripped falcon creature. Erick Hocker obviously but
• 42:58
  falcon kind of specific direction there with the looks
• 43:01
  massive muscles on muscles on muscles. This dude is huge.
• 43:05
  Like unnaturally huge and he stands to his full height at
• 43:09
  like seven eight. I don't know if that's marked on there but
• 43:13
  we're rolling with it. It's probably not. I don't think I
• 43:15
  have height on there. I mean we faced him off a guy who was
• 43:18
  seven feet tall. That's right. It's perfect. So, he's like
• 43:20
  seven eight and he says, Oh, yeah. Was he the Kool-Aid man? Yeah.
• 43:29
  And with that, we're going to close out this episode.
• 43:33
  Thank you so much for listening to criminals of Island Numus,
• 43:45
  a Dungeons and Dragons, fifth edition actual play podcast
• 43:48
  set in a homebrew world created by me, Skyler Gorsett. If you've
• 43:51
  been enjoying our show so far, be sure to like, follow and
• 43:54
  subscribe. Whatever it is that you're streaming from, whether
• 43:56
  that be Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube or anywhere else
• 43:59
  that podcasts can be streamed or just check us out on our
• 44:02
  website, SessionZeroHeroes.com. Additionally, if you enjoy
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  coin, you might enjoy some of Session Zero Heroes other
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• 44:18
  system created by Magpie Games or one of our various one
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  variety of games and TTRBG systems to tell a variety of fun,
• 44:27
  exciting, emotional and hilarious stories within our group. We
• 44:30
  have all sorts of other content that we highly recommend
• 44:33
  checking out within the SZH channel and more to come in the
• 44:37
  future to find out more about what we do at Session Zero Heroes
• 44:41
  and to keep up with a lot of the other content we produce and
• 44:43
  be made aware of future projects, shows and content. Be
• 44:47
  sure to follow us on social media on Facebook, X, Instagram
• 44:51
  and Discord. These are all great ways to get in contact with
• 44:54
  our team as well as to keep up to date with everything that
• 44:57
  we're creating and working on. We'd love to see you there. In
• 45:00
  the meantime, thank you so much for listening and don't
• 45:02
  forget to stay curious, stay heroic until we roll again.
• 45:06
  [Music]