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148: How to Break the Pattern of Self-Abandonment · Harder Than Life

• 0:07
  I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:23
  Welcome back to the Heart and Life Podcast. Kelly Siegel here. This episode is gonna hit home today. We're diving headfirst into one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make in your life. That is choosing peace over love. Choosing yourself. Let me be real with you. I'm working, I'm in the grinds of my relationship with my girlfriend right now. She's a beautiful soul, a woman I care deeply about.
• 0:52
  Um, and we took a little bit of a pause, not because I stopped loving her, not because she stopped loving me because I chose my inner child over her. And then she chose her inner child over me. Um, but I think that's a good point.
• 1:07
  But that's not the right thing to do. So we're going to break this down. I had to protect my peace. Chaos and confusion are not love. They're a trauma in a tuxedo. So if you're going through this, this episode is for men, for women, for anyone who has ever compromised their truth.
• 1:24
  to keep someone else comfortable. And we all been there. If you've ever lost yourself in the name of love, this one's for you. And by the end of this, I'm gonna give you the clear roadmap to recognize when you're abandoning yourself, how to break the pattern and the rituals that anchor you to you. So let's go. Let's start with why do we abandon ourselves
• 1:51
  in the first place? The answer is simple. Because somewhere in your childhood, you were taught that love is earned. Somewhere in your childhood, you were taught that love is earned. You get good grades, you got good praise. You did good work, you got an attaboy or attagirl. You were quiet and didn't complain, you got attention. You showed anger, rejection, sadness, shamed. So you learned early if you want love,
• 2:20
  Better not make waves. Then you grow up and we call that sacrifice. You label that compromise. You put someone else's needs before your own. And you call it noble. But listen to me, that's not love. That's self-abandonment. I've been there. I used to think being a good man meant being the rock, taking the hits, being the steady one.
• 2:46
  no matter the storm, but the storm was drowning me. And I realized that if I didn't choose me, who the hell will, I can go deep into stories about relationships and every single time they ended the same way, them not loving me. So I'm going to teach you how you can have both love and peace. Okay.
• 3:12
  but there are times where the peace does take a sacrifice and you're gonna question the love. So let's get into self abandonment. How do we spot it? Again, it is not noble. I always say awareness is the first step to growth. So let's get clear. Here's how you know you're abandoning yourself. These are the red flags. You're always the one compromising on time, on values, money, and space.
• 3:41
  You feel drained after being around your partner. You have to prepare to bring up tough conversations. Your needs are on the back burner, but you smile anyway, saying, this is being a man, or this is being the compromise. You downplay your dreams, your goals, or boundaries to keep the peace.
• 4:07
  If you're constantly shrinking yourself to fit in someone else's life, you don't have a relationship. You have a cage. Here's the deep truth. Most people are more afraid of being alone than they are of being misaligned. I've been there, man. I used to sit and say, why am I not lovable? And I would cry. And then I would go and I would abandon myself and get less than women. And it never works out.
• 4:37
  So if you be your aligned self, you'll end up attracting the right person. You may push away a lot of the wrong people and think that you're not good enough, but that's false. More on that later. I don't want you to stay in the familiar misery because it's less scary than the unknown. But the fear is keeping you from the life and the peace you deserve. Remember, fear.
• 4:59
  Face everything and rise. The Heart of the Life Self-Respect System, this is where we break down the darn pattern. Because when you're in the Heart of the Life Nation, it doesn't talk about transformation. We live it. And I'm battling through it right now, right with you. So here's your steps, five actions to stop abandoning yourself and start building radical self-respect. Number one.
• 5:27
  What does my inner child need right now? Bear with me. Close your eyes. Think about you as a little boy or a little girl. Would you let someone speak to them the way you speak to yourself? Would you let someone gaslight or confuse them? Of course not. Every decision you make, run it through the lens of your inner child. Would this make them feel safe, seen, or supported? Pro tip.
• 5:58
  through your journaling practices that I've told you in other podcast episodes, find the moment in time where this, where that child felt unseen, unsafe, unsupported, where they felt the trigger that you're probably feeling right now and dial right into that, that time. It'll have more impact. Action. Number two is build non-negotiables. Oh, yi, yi. Um,
• 6:28
  Funny story, and I'm sorry to my girlfriend, that she called this weaponizing. She told me I was weaponizing my boundaries. Never heard that one before.
• 6:38
  Build non-negotiables, which are otherwise known as boundaries. Boundaries are not walls. They're guardrails for peace. Literally, I put them in place for me to love her and myself at the same time. That's what boundaries are for, to allow people to interact with you and you both have respect for one another. So you create your list of non-negotiables. I do not raise my voice or allow it to be raised at me.
• 7:08
  I do not explain my worth. I do not tolerate chaos or hot and cold energy. I protect my peace like it's oxygen because it is. Write yours, frame it, live by it. A couple of weird ones, extreme ones that I live by is I have to protect my sleep.
• 7:29
  because my daily habits and rituals start at 4 a.m. So I can pour into all of you at Heart of the Life Nation, all my coaching membership and all the podcasts and national technology management. They are all an equal part. Of course, my girlfriend is that too, but I need to protect my peace by sleeping and eating correctly. And I hold that in as very, very near and dear to my heart. Number three,
• 7:58
  Get rituals that I just spoke about that rewire you. Here's what I do every day, which you've heard before. Morning movement, no matter what. I get to the gym, do my workout, first thing. Meditation for 10 minutes. It's the first thing I do when my eyes wake up. Journaling, I journal after the gym. And a gratitude list, again, just before I do my meditation.
• 8:23
  And then I check in and say, what is my soul whispering to me today? The ritual.
• 8:30
  is the resistance to falling back into old patterns. It will, we fall to our standards, not rise to our goals, people. Movement, meditation, journaling, gratitude, checking in with yourself. And then I add in the workouts, the podcasts, and just generally giving back and making the world a better place. So number four, reverse engineer relationships. Look at every relationship in your life
• 8:57
  whether it be romantic professional friends and ask, do I feel more alive or more anxious? Do I feel safe to be fully me or do I walk on eggshells? If the answer is not hell yes, then it's a hell no and a red flag. Remember too, another pro tip, you don't owe anyone access to you because you have history with them.
• 9:22
  Or this is going to be controversial because they're blood. If they're hitting your piece, if they're bringing chaos, you are allowed to put a boundary up. Number five, the self-trust workout.
• 9:38
  Just like your body, self-trust is a muscle. You don't build it by reading quotes or journaling once, you build it by making promises to yourself and keeping them. My 500 workouts this year, I wanna quit. Full disclosure, wanna quit, it's hard. I did not think it through, it's exhausting me, but by keeping the promises I make to myself, I build that self-trust so that I know that when I say something, I mean it and so do all you.
• 10:06
  I say it goes further. I say, I get up early. I did. I argue with my daughter every single day. She's like, my alarm didn't go off. I don't know why it doesn't work. I go funny. Mine works every single day. I also say I, I stopped arguing with people who don't listen. I'd say I walk away from chaos. And I did track these things like a scoreboard because confidence is built by keeping your own word. Even when no one is watching.
• 10:33
  What happens when you choose peace, man? So what's on the other side of all this? Here's what I can tell you from my firsthand experience. Anxiety drops. You sleep better. Your creativity and drive come back. Your standards go through the roof. Here's one that you'll hear all the time. Things that aren't good for you won't even look good to you.
• 11:00
  The most important one is you will feel safe in your own skin. Remember, it's nobody else's job to make you feel safe. It's yours by doing this work. So choosing peace is not always the easy choice. And in fact, it's not the easy choice. It is a brave one. But here's the heart of the life truth. Your peace is the power source for everything else.
• 11:29
  Here's a way to get, let's get tactical. You know, I don't just preach, I challenge. So here's a seven day challenge to stop self-abandoning. Day one. This is gonna be a good one. Journal the last three times you said yes, but wanted to say no. Remember, no is a complete sentence and does not require an explanation. So journal the last three times you said yes to something, but wanted to say no.
• 11:58
  Day two, meditate for 10 minutes and ask your inner child, what do you need from me? Day three, set one boundary and hold it. On day four, speak your truth in one conversation without softening it for others' comfort. Guys, I'm telling you right now, I have been going really calm with a lot of my podcasts, a lot of my posts, and I'm about to let it rip. This one is hard for me. Speaking your truth. I am...
• 12:28
  really intense and I've been bringing it down because I don't want to scare anybody, but that's just who I am and I am not being as authentic as I want to be. Look for more for that later. Now, day five, do something completely for you, guilt-free. I don't care if it's sitting on the couch, binge watching Netflix. This is the one time I'm going to give you permission to just do something for you. There's no secret I go to my Florida house and I take time for me. The challenge
• 12:58
  I've forgotten how to have fun, man. Winning is fun to me, but learning is a lot of fun to me. So do something for you on day five, completely for you, guilt-free. Day six, declutter your relationships. Remove one energy drainer. I just went through and unfollowed a bunch of people that I had no business, that were just not in alignment with me. Just unfollow them.
• 13:22
  Remove one from your life and you don't have to tell them you're removing it. Just don't return their calls. Don't return their texts. Slow play. They'll get the hint day seven, celebrate your growth, reflect, share it, share it with your people. So in closing, this is love in the heart of the life nation. This is the ultimate truth.
• 13:45
  You were never too much. You were just giving your love to people who weren't ready. I gave mine to a lot of narcissists. And I know that sounds terrible, but I learned every step of the way. But you're ready now.
• 14:01
  ready to stop settling. You're ready to stop bleeding for people who wouldn't give you a bandage. You're ready to choose peace, even if it means being alone for a little while, because that kind of solitude, that's not loneliness. That's alignment. And you will gain clarity and freedom, which will lead to the peace that we're all talking about. And the more you choose you, the more the universe will align with that decision.
• 14:32
  Guys, I'm gonna continue to bring you, I'll give you updates on what's going on, but all of this came together in real life, happening in mine. I'm gonna start sharing more and more of what's going on because I'm learning as I go, but I'm applying every single principle that I've wrote in both books to be happier than life and live a more aligned life and share with you because we're all going through the same thing.
• 14:57
  A lot of times I see you high achievers abandoning yourself for love. Don't do that anymore. You could reach out to me, you can DM me, you can tag me. I'm here to help. I wanna celebrate the hell out of you. And my goal is for all of us to live this harmonious, happy, euphoric life where we're all getting along
• 15:20
  And it's not just seven-year-old self dealing with another seven-year-old self, creating chaos, and then chasing after short-term gratification. Guys, we don't know how long we're gonna be on this earth, so let's make it worth it. Let's be kind to each other, love everyone, tell the truth, and if it pushes people away, they weren't for you. So it's not selfish to choose peace,
• 15:46
  It's sacred. And remember until next time, be harder than life. Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with. Delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.