Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E40 - The Roller Coaster of Child Counseling Progress

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S3E40 - The Roller Coaster of Child Counseling Progress · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we're continuing the Parent Companion series,
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  and we are going to talk about another visual illustration
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  to make sense of
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  how kids heal
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  and how they grow,
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  specifically in the therapeutic context,
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  but in general,
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  the way that kids operate,
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  sometimes
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  it is hard to understand unless you kind of have something to come back to.
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  So last week we talked about what I call the wave form.
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  Where we talked about the huge spikes,
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  kind of like Afib on a heart monitor.
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  And then over the course of the therapeutic
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  journey,
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  they have that really like rounded lower
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  wave,
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  more like a cosine.
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  So,
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  very similar concept today.
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  You're going to have to visualize something here and we'll,
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  we'll talk through it.
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  But what we're trying to understand is our adulthood bias
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  is always a factor.
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  And
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  when we think about
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  the way that kids are working through things,
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  it's not linear.
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  And our brains are wired cognitively and rationally
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  and intellectually.
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  And so we're always thinking
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  black and white concrete linear.
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  And kids are none of those things.
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  So,
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  it's helpful to have a visualization tool
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  where you can say,
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  all right,
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  I kind of have a sense of why this is happening and what this looks like.
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  It just gives you some why
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  behind
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  the behavior and the process,
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  which
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  doesn't necessarily make it easier,
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  but it does share some insight.
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  And that's usually pretty helpful.
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  So,
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  you're gonna have to
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  think about some things here for a sec.
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  So,
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  if you go back to high school math,
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  X and some of you are like,
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  oh,
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  please no.
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  I know,
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  I promise it's not that bad.
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  All right,
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  so you have your X and your Y axes.
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  And
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  you need to think about kind of,
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  you know,
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  like when you did graphing when you were in high school.
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  All right,
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  so you have your X and your Y axis,
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  and they meet
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  that meet point.
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  If you don't remember this at all,
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  is (0,0)
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  in parentheses.
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  So,
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  so you have your X axis going horizontally,
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  you have your Y axis going vertically.
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  And where that right angle meets
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  is (0,0)
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  So that's where you can think about a child,
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  really anyone,
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  any,
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  any human starting the therapeutic journey.
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  They're at the,
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  the basics at the bottom.
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  All right.
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  So,
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  here's what
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  we often think about
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  when it comes to
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  progress
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  or,
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  or moving or healing,
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  growing,
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  changing.
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  We kind of tend to think of up and right.
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  A lot of times you will see
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  a profit graph,
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  and you'll see up and right.
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  You'll see progress graph up and right.
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  OK,
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  so we kind of have this notion
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  based on an axis understanding.
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  We start at the bottom and then we're going to be going up and right,
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  and there's usually an arrow at the top
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  of that line showing that it continues indefinitely.
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  And you can essentially bisect
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  the.
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  Horizontal and vertical lines at a 45 degree angle.
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  And we're moving
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  in that direction,
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  and it's almost always in a straight line.
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  Why?
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  Because
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  the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
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  We understand this concept.
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  And as adults with adulthood bias,
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  we're going to say,
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  all right,
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  well,
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  if I'm starting here and I'm ending there,
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  let's go straight line.
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  That's the path.
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  And that
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  isn't even feasible for adults,
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  really,
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  but it is more feasible
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  because we have the ability to reason and be rational and be cognitive,
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  so on and so forth.
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  children,
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  on the other hand,
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  are experiential.
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  They're emotional.
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  We've talked about this.
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  We know this hopefully at this point.
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  And so when they're here and now,
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  and when they're feeling their way through things,
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  It's not
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  black and white.
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  It's not linear,
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  it's not in a line.
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  It's kind of all over the place,
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  really.
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  So here's what happens.
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  A child starts working through stuff,
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  and a child begins the healing process.
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  And we see some
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  change in a positive way.
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  We feel like we're moving up and right.
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  We get really excited about that,
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  as we should,
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  because we know that they're healthier and they're
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  happier and they're sorting through their stuff.
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  And
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  so we feel really
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  pleased with what's happening.
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  And then out of the blue.
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  Things go sideways.
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  And you see old behaviors popping up and you have a massive tantrum
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  and you see new behaviors that have never been around before and you're,
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  you're like,
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  oh my gosh,
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  things are getting worse.
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  Therapy is not helping at all.
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  It's making everything worse.
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  What is happening?
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  And that can be a very helpless feeling.
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  It can be a scary feeling,
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  and it can be a frustrating feeling.
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  And it's not
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  that all of a sudden we were going up and right,
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  and now we've slid down our 45 degree angle line.
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  It is that we were never on a line in the first place.
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  So what you need to think about
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  is a roller coaster track.
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  And I draw this.
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  So I'm,
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  I'm like finger drawing in the air,
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  which doesn't help you at all.
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  But
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  you have to think about,
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  you have the horizontal and the vertical line,
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  and then I draw a straight line in the middle,
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  but then on top of that straight line,
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  that up and right arrow,
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  I draw what looks like a roller coaster track.
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  So it has barrel rolls and loops,
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  and it goes sideways and it goes backwards,
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  and it's like a squiggly line.
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  All over the place.
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  Now,
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  here's
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  the noteworthy piece of this.
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  It is still moving in the general up and right direction.
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  We're not going down and left,
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  we're not going horizontally in either direction.
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  We are
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  moving
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  in an up and right trajectory.
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  It's just a very convoluted way to get there.
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  And so when you have moments where
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  it seems like all the progress that you've made is
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  Obliterated.
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  It seems like things are way worse than they were a week
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  ago or even before you even started therapy in the first place,
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  or before your child started
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  to heal,
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  and you're going,
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  oh my word,
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  what is happening?
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  You're on a roller coaster track.
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  So,
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  imagine your favorite roller coaster.
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  Whatever that one is.
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  Well,
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  I guess that's predicated on
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  the idea that you love roller coasters.
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  Maybe you absolutely hate them.
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  At,
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  at church on Sunday,
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  our pastor was talking about
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  Not roller coasters,
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  but it became part of the sermon.
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  So
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  he said,
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  you know,
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  you go to a
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  theme park with a friend and like you
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  hate roller coasters and they love roller coasters,
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  and they're like,
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  please ride with me.
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  It's just not as fun if I do it by myself and I need
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  you because it just feels so much better when someone's with me and,
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  and you get convinced,
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  if you do not like roller coasters,
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  you get convinced to ride one
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  and you just sit there and you grit your teeth
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  the whole time and you just like get through it.
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  There's nothing about it enjoyable for you.
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  You just get through it.
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  I was like,
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  I am not that person.
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  I don't even know what that's like.
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  I love roller coasters.
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  I love them.
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  So,
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  if you like roller coasters,
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  imagine your favorite one.
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  If you don't,
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  I'm not really sure how this analogy is going to work for you,
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  but
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  The track
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  of the roller coaster.
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  I
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  Starting at one point
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  and ending at one point.
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  We know
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  the ultimate trajectory of the roller coaster.
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  It starts and it ends,
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  and those are fixed points.
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  We know.
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  That those do not change.
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  But the track
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  is different.
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  And sometimes there's 3 barrel rolls and sometimes there's 3 loops,
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  and sometimes you go sideways and sometimes you turn upside down,
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  and sometimes you go through a tunnel and sometimes you
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  go up really high and it's just a huge drop.
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  I might be
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  making half of you want to feel nauseous.
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  I'm sorry.
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  But
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  roller coasters
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  are all over the place,
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  and for me,
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  the crazier the better.
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  The higher,
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  the faster,
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  the more loops,
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  the more barrel rolls,
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  I love it.
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  But I know
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  where I'm starting and where I'm ending.
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  It's the same thing with our kids,
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  y'all.
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  We know we're starting at (0,0) in parentheses,
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  and we know we're going up and right.
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  But there's a lot of twists and turns and zigs and zags along the way,
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  and that is normal.
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  We cannot expect the process to be linear,
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  because it's not.
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  And so
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  what happens is we are getting there.
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  But it's going to look
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  a little loony at times,
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  and you might feel a little sick at times,
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  I suppose,
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  to follow that analogy.
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  But
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  the goal is,
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  That we trust
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  that we are going in the direction that we want to go.
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  We trust our kids.
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  We trust the model.
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  We trust
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  that CCPT works.
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  And
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  sometimes,
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  yeah,
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  a kid takes a really crazy path.
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  But that's normal.
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  You know how many adults that are in therapy?
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  They don't
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  experience and feel their way through things.
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  They talk and think their way through things.
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  We understand developmentally we're in different places,
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  but adults take crazy paths to healing too.
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  Adults will just make excuses and not show up.
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  They'll ignore the deep,
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  dark stuff that they really need to talk about,
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  and they'll talk about their friends
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  and that they went out on the weekend and they
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  went to the beach and they did this and that.
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  They'll kill
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  time in sessions
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  to avoid the stuff they need to go.
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  They're,
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  they're doing circles.
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  They're doing doughnuts in the parking lot.
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  Look,
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  you need to just start driving,
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  like,
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  get going.
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  There,
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  there's a path,
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  go drive,
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  and they're doing doughnuts.
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  Why?
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  Because I don't want to do that yet.
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  So,
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  this is a very universal thing.
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  It's just it's more pronounced with kids
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  because they have to feel,
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  experience,
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  and emote their way through this stuff.
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  And as that process unfolds.
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  It can look a little wild and crazy,
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  but this is where you trust your therapist,
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  this is where you trust your child,
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  this is where you trust the,
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  the model.
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  And we know that we are in fact getting there,
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  and here's what will happen.
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  Not because I'm telling you,
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  because it's true.
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  And I could put you in touch with so many families with whom I've worked over the years
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  that have come to the center
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  that have expressed this very thing.
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  You're going sideways and you're going backwards
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  and you're going upside down and you're twisting and turning and you're like,
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  oh my word,
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  I don't even have any clue what's happening or
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  why we're doing what we're doing or where we're going
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  and then out of the blue.
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  You get to a part of the track where you're like,
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  oh.
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  Huh,
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  OK,
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  yeah,
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  we've,
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  we've been on the path the whole time.
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  It sure didn't seem or look or feel or anything like it,
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  but,
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  hm,
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  all right,
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  glad I stuck it out.
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  Glad I didn't bail.
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  Glad I didn't jump out of the roller coaster because
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  I see it now.
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  All right,
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  we're,
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  we're getting toward the end.
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  OK,
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  I,
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  I know where we're heading now,
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  and I can see
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  that we have been on that path the whole time.
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  It was just hard to decipher.
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  When you are patient and when you trust it.
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  You've always known where you were going,
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  even though it was hard to see.
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  That's why I draw this.
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  That's why I draw the straight up and right line,
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  and then I draw all the twists and turns and zigs and zags over top of it because
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  we have to bring ourselves back to this and remind ourselves of this.
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  Otherwise,
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  it's really frustrating and it's defeating and it's tempting to say,
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  yeah,
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  this isn't working.
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  I'm,
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  I'm not going to do this anymore.
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  You know,
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  the danger of jumping off a roller coaster mid-ride,
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  we wouldn't do it.
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  We don't want to jump off the
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  therapy ride
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  in the middle.
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  Because it's not finished.
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  And sometimes it's a very,
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  very crazy convoluted way to get there,
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  but we're getting there.
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  And so I hope that analogy is helpful,
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  even if your kid is not in therapy.
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  Please know
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  that as kids are working through things and as kids are
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  developing and as they're maturing and as they're sorting through life,
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  things go sideways and upside down and it's always temporary.
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  That is the nature of
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  childhood.
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  And we can't let our intellectual rational way of seeing the world
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  change
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  our perspective on that.
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  We have to come down to the child's level.
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  They can't come up to ours.
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  And so just having that visualization is often very helpful.
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  I hope that it was helpful for you.
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  So,
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  I love y'all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
• 13:11
  Bye.
• 13:12
  Thank you for listening to
• 13:13
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 13:17
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 13:21
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.