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The Hidden Tax of Asking: Women, Money & the Art of Negotiating · The Executive Reset

• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know that nauseating not in your stomach feeling when you know you need to do something, but the anticipatory anxiety is all consuming.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you've ever asked for a negotiation of your pay as a woman, you've likely experienced it at one point or another.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: But this is such a vulnerable thing, and it's connected to so many critical parts of our lives.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel so high stakes.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about negotiation and pay today.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to start with some research.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Unsurprisingly, a study by Hannah Riley Bowles, Linda Babcock, and colleagues found that women who negotiate assertively for themselves are more likely than men to be seen as demanding or less likable, and evaluators are less willing to work with them.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Other research suggests women often ask at similar rates, but get a yes less often.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: What this shows us is that the problem is not simply reluctance to ask, but that asking carries a different price for women.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And many of you have correctly noticed this, hence the anticipatory anxiety, or deferred the conversation altogether.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And we all know where that leads.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So what exactly are we anticipating when we fear asking for what we need?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing is backlash.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're weighing the money against the relationship cost.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're asking yourself, will this make me seem greedy?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Will it change how my boss sees me?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: That calculation is rational, of course, because the penalty is real.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: We are also facing really unclear salary ranges.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And without transparent pay data, you may be asking for less than the role pays.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that gap compounds with every raise, every bonus, and every equity grant built on your first salary number.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So this is really consequential.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: One thing that's positive from the research is that women tend to negotiate well, often even better than men, when they're advocating for a team or an organization.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So advocating for yourself often triggers the penalty, but advocating for others is seen as positive leadership.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that impact can eventually hit your own wallet.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So that's encouraging.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that women are often subtly dismissed for pay raises, often with a compliment sandwich, though, so it's a little bit more nuanced than just a no.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're often rewarded for your gratitude, praised for being a good worker as opposed to leveraging your expertise.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You might be told to be patient, that your work will be recognized eventually, and that now just isn't the right time.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, your male peers who push get paid.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: We also see that compensation structures are often really unclear, and equity, bonuses, titles, and scope often get negotiated in informal conversations where you may have less access to information and fewer allies.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Women often talk to me about the fear of getting cornered into negotiating a single offer versus negotiating their career as a whole.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And here we see that pay and promotion are often decided in rooms that you're not in, which directly connects to that sponsorship gap that we've talked about.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: The point is that negotiating puts your self-worth and your likability on the table at the same moment.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And many women leave these conversations either under-asking and resentful, or asking and then replaying every word.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: The cost is also financial.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Small gaps early on can pound over a career into very large differences in lifetime earnings and retirement security.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: There can also be a quiet sense of being undervalued by an organization that you're giving everything to, which further feeds the resentment that comes with overfunctioning.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you, this isn't just happening with male executives.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I once personally asked for a raise while I was working under two women.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'd run the numbers, and I knew I was being underpaid based on the market alone, much less my skill set.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I decided that if I didn't get the raise, I would need to move on because I truly couldn't afford to maintain the pay I was getting.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: My request was denied, and I subsequently put in my notice shortly thereafter.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I will tell you, an otherwise very positive relationship and position devolved very quickly, particularly with one of them.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: It became pretty aggressive and resentful.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just such an awful way to go out, to be seen as entitled and greedy, because I simply needed a living wage in a very expensive city.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure many of you can relate to that.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: We're all conditioned to undervalue women, even when we are one.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it can feel like there's no safe space to advocate for ourselves, even when there are other women in the room.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, I don't want to leave you here on this note of all of the challenges that we face with negotiation and pay.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So let's dig into some action steps that you can take if you want to elevate your position or your bank account without paying a tax on the ask.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: So first, I want you to get data before you have a conversation.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Market benchmarks, pay transparency information, and trusted peers in similar roles replace guesswork with evidence.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that makes the ask about the role instead of about you.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: It makes it a lot less personal.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: You also want to anchor high and be specific.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So a precise and well-supported number reads as researched rather than greedy, and it tends to pull the final outcome upward, even if you don't get what you asked for.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Frame it around value and shared goals.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So research suggests that trying to request to the results you deliver and the organization's needs draws less backlash than a purely personal framing.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's not fair, but it works.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Again, we're going with data over personal.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're also going to want to use a relational account.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So acknowledging the relationship while making the ask, something like, I'm excited about this role and want to make sure we're aligned on compensation.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: That softens the penalty by diluting the request.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're also going to practice out loud.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So rehearsing with a coach, a mentor, a peer, that makes the conversation feel less high stakes.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: You want to try to negotiate the whole package.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of women make the mistake of just negotiating salary as opposed to their entire package, and they can lose a lot of value there.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: So we're thinking title, scope, equity, bonus structures, flexibility, and even a clear review of timeline.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: That all has a lot of value.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And some are easier to get than just base salary.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: You also want to make asking routine.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: So asking for compraises on a regular cycle rather than as a one-time confrontation, it normalizes it and it also helps you to get more comfortable with the conversation over time.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: So women in leadership roles can also help with this by publishing pay ranges, setting compensation using clear criteria, running regular pay equity audits, and not penalizing negotiation behavior in the first place.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So let's quickly recap those eight action items.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: You want to get data before the conversation, anchor high and be specific in your ask, frame it around value and shared goals, use a relational account to make it less personal, practice out loud, negotiate the whole package, make asking routine, and then advocate for those around you by setting clear compensation criteria.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: The underlying point is that the goal is not for women to negotiate better so that they can absorb a bias that isn't theirs.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's to give them the information, framing tools, and support to ask without paying a hidden tax and to push organizations to stop making the tax necessary.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel ready to address this in your own role and you want someone to advise you on best practices, strategies, and communications, I'd be so happy to help.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I offer a 90-day high-touch business partnership for women who are looking to strategize on growth as an entrepreneur or an employee in a leadership position.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can book a call via the link in the show notes.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to hear what you have in mind and see if a partnership with me could be the right fit for you.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, I'm wishing you more peace, more profit, and more purpose.