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How The Thrill-Hangover Cycle Is Making You Miserable · Raising Daughters

0:30
Speaker 1: Hello friends, Doctor Tim Jordan here, and I'm bringing you
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Speaker 1: a brand new podcast about a topic today that's really important.
0:40
Speaker 1: I think all my topics are important, but this one,
0:43
Speaker 1: I think is causing a lot of grief in a
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Speaker 1: lot of people in our culture. And I'm gonna talk
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Speaker 1: today about something called the thrill hangover cycle. I'll explain
0:53
Speaker 1: what that is in just a moment, but let me
0:55
Speaker 1: tell you a story about a woman who I know.
0:58
Speaker 1: She's in her mid forties, and she was going through
1:00
Speaker 1: a tough period in her life. She had seemingly done
1:03
Speaker 1: everything right. She was married to her high school sweetheart,
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Speaker 1: she had three kids. They all attended good private schools.
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Speaker 1: She had risen to become a CEO of a successful company.
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Speaker 1: She was earning three hundred grand a year. She'd been
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Speaker 1: willing to work at sixty seventy eighty hour weeks that
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Speaker 1: involves traveling a couple times a month. She had leaned
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Speaker 1: in as Sheryl Sandberg had encouraged her to do, and
1:25
Speaker 1: she was perched at the top of her profession. And
1:27
Speaker 1: yet she felt like something was missing. And after talking
1:32
Speaker 1: to her, what she and I both realized was missing
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Speaker 1: was happiness, contentment, and a sense of fulfillment. I heard
1:42
Speaker 1: her story a long time ago. I think it was
1:44
Speaker 1: from Anthony de Mello, one of my favorite authors because
1:47
Speaker 1: he has so many good stories. He talked about this
1:49
Speaker 1: group of people who were traveling on a bus to
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Speaker 1: this gorgeous Tuscany countryside. But it was kind of weird
1:56
Speaker 1: because all the shades on the bus were pulled down
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Speaker 1: so no I could see beyond the windows. And these
2:02
Speaker 1: people spent the whole trip arguing over who got to
2:05
Speaker 1: sit in the front seat, who got to sit by
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Speaker 1: the window, who was in charge, who is to be applauded,
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Speaker 1: who is the most important, And so they remained until
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Speaker 1: the journey's end. And I think that's a good metaphor
2:18
Speaker 1: for how many of us are living our lives. I
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Speaker 1: think a lot of people today are walking around discontented, empty.
2:27
Speaker 1: People used to call it a midlife crisis. But I'm
2:31
Speaker 1: seeing in younger, younger people, they jump through all the
2:34
Speaker 1: prescribed hoops for success. They follow the prescribe path that
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Speaker 1: we've learned about, that they've learned about throughout their childhoods.
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Speaker 1: You go to a school, you get good, top grades,
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Speaker 1: you end up going to a top college, you end
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Speaker 1: up getting a really good job, and then you end
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Speaker 1: up making a lot of money, and that's sort of like,
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Speaker 1: is a prescription for this is a life that you
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Speaker 1: want to leave, This is a life of happiness. Young
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Speaker 1: people today are being encouraged to strive to be the best,
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Speaker 1: to be perfect, to follow this regiment that's been prescribed,
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Speaker 1: this path to take you to the top of your profession,
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Speaker 1: and yet most people have never stepped back along the
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Speaker 1: way to really decide what they want and are they
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Speaker 1: doing things for their reasons. I read a story years
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Speaker 1: ago about a young woman. Her name was Maryel, and
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Speaker 1: she was kind of nervous as she approached her yearly
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Speaker 1: meeting with her soccer coach that she was in college.
3:34
Speaker 1: It was her sophomore season at University of North Carolina,
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Speaker 1: and the coach surprised her with a question. He said, Maryel,
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Speaker 1: what do you want? So she was taken aback, but
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Speaker 1: then she quickly blurted out, I want to be the best.
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Speaker 1: Then her coach wisely asked her what does that mean?
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Speaker 1: And Maryel struggled to find an answer. Her coach noticed,
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Speaker 1: and he walked over to the light switch in the room.
4:00
Speaker 1: He turned it off, and then he turned it back on,
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Speaker 1: and then he said to her, it's just a decision,
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Speaker 1: but you have to make it each and every day,
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Speaker 1: and then he wisely left her to grapple with her
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Speaker 1: truth he walked out of the room. So this young
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Speaker 1: woman did some soul searching, and she decided she did
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Speaker 1: want to be the best at her sport. But she
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Speaker 1: realized she had shoes between mediocrity and excellence, and that
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Speaker 1: it was a decision she would have to make each
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Speaker 1: and every day. As her coach's light switch metaphor had
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Speaker 1: shown her, So mary O rededicated herself to put in
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Speaker 1: the work to attain her goal with amazing results. Mariy
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Speaker 1: O won the Women's World Cup in nineteen ninety one
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Speaker 1: and nineteen ninety nine, and she was on the Olympic
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Speaker 1: gold medal teams in ninety six and two thousand and four.
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Speaker 1: When she retired, she held the record for the most
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Speaker 1: international goals scored by a woman until twenty thirteen, when
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Speaker 1: her record was broken by fellow American play player Abby Wambach.
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Speaker 1: Muriel Is mia Ham. There are a lot of women
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Speaker 1: I meet kind of like mia Ham in their middle
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Speaker 1: late twenties early thirties who are already questioning is this
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Speaker 1: all there is? I've done what I've been told and
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Speaker 1: conditioned to do, but i feel like I'm missing something.
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Speaker 1: I've got this cool job in a big city, I'm
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Speaker 1: living in this cool apartment, I'm partying in clubs, I'm
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Speaker 1: going on dating apps and stuff, but I'm still feeling empty.
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Speaker 1: That's the hangover. In the thrill hangover cycle. At this juncture,
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Speaker 1: people oftentimes feel lonely, depressed, empty, empty is a big one. Frustrated, resentful,
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Speaker 1: or perhaps worse, they feel nothing. They're just numb. I
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Speaker 1: see a lot of young adults who feel numb, and
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Speaker 1: these people end up sleep walking through their life numb, doubt,
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Speaker 1: and they aren't even aware that they're sleeping walking through life,
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Speaker 1: and they have no clue as to why they're feeling
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Speaker 1: so numb and Low'd you listening to this podcast if
6:05
Speaker 1: you're in your thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, whatever, I think
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Speaker 1: a lot of people can relate to what I'm talking about.
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Speaker 1: I heard a story a long time ago about this
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Speaker 1: this homeless tramp in London who was settling in for
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Speaker 1: the night. He was cold, and he was hungry, and
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Speaker 1: he was walking around. He reached the banks of the
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Speaker 1: Thames River and he was just about to fall asleep
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Speaker 1: when the chauffeur driven rolls Royce pulled up and this
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Speaker 1: gorgeous woman stepped out and asked him if he wanted
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Speaker 1: to spend if he was spading the night out in
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Speaker 1: the rain, and he said yeah, he was, so she
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Speaker 1: invited him to come to her home for a good
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Speaker 1: meal and a good bed. So when they got through,
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Speaker 1: the butler took him and fed him a huge meal.
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Speaker 1: They took him up to this room where he had
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Speaker 1: his own room, a nice comfortable bed, and a little
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Speaker 1: whaile later, this woman remembered that she had a guest,
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Speaker 1: so she slipped on a nightgown and she went up
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Speaker 1: to his room and she opened the door and she
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Speaker 1: asked him if he'd had a good meal. They said,
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Speaker 1: oh yes, ma'am, it was great. They said, are you
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Speaker 1: want pretty comfortable? He said, oh yes, ma'am I am,
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Speaker 1: And she said, well maybe you could use a little company.
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Speaker 1: Why don't you move over a bit. So he starts
7:08
Speaker 1: scooting over in the bed and she slipped into it.
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Speaker 1: He moves over a bit more and he falls right
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Speaker 1: into the Thames River. The message from that story is
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Speaker 1: wake up. You might be sleepwalking through your life and
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Speaker 1: not really living the life that you were meant to live.
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Speaker 1: So what happens a lot of times we get to
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Speaker 1: a point in our lives when whatever we're doing isn't
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Speaker 1: doing it for us, it's not filling us up. That
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Speaker 1: holy grailla we've been reaching forward doesn't do it, And
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Speaker 1: so what we do is we don't want to feel unhappy,
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Speaker 1: we don't want to feel empty, so we reach for
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Speaker 1: things to pull ourselves out of the funk. And those
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Speaker 1: are the thrills, the thrill part of the thrill hangover cycle.
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Speaker 1: Thrills can look like a lot of things. I see
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Speaker 1: adults who end up buying a new house, they buy
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Speaker 1: a new car, they buy a boat, they start partying,
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Speaker 1: going to more afterword happy hours. They may end up
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Speaker 1: in some addictive behaviors using alcohol, partying, gambling, going to
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Speaker 1: lots of happy hours after work, over drinking, drugs, sex, gambling,
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Speaker 1: distractions like video games, TV, pornography, the internet, having an affair.
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Speaker 1: All those are thrills because those activities can make you
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Speaker 1: feel better for a little while while you're doing it,
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Speaker 1: but there's always a hangover afterwards. And besides the physical
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Speaker 1: hangover of maybe alcohol or drugs, even more importantly, there's
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Speaker 1: an emotional hangover, an emotional after effect that's even stronger
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Speaker 1: than the physical one. People end up feeling more empty,
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Speaker 1: more unhappy, and more discouraged when the high war is off,
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Speaker 1: and thus they feel more stuck. They may also have
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Speaker 1: added feelings of guilt or shame because of some of
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Speaker 1: their actions, because they know it's not right, they know
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Speaker 1: it's not good for them, So what do they do.
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Speaker 1: They reached for another thrill and it pulls them out
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Speaker 1: for a little while, but then they get right back
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Speaker 1: to that hangover, and so the cycle continues. And this
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Speaker 1: day and age, distractions are a huge business, with an
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Speaker 1: endless array of activities to distract us and entertain us.
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Speaker 1: These diversions and these thrills keep us from thinking about
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Speaker 1: our problems, feeling our emotions. But once that high word
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Speaker 1: is off, the issues are still there and we're back
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Speaker 1: in our funk. It's a part of our brain called
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Speaker 1: pleasure centers. Some people call them liking centers the liking system.
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Speaker 1: When we do something enjoyable, these spots in our brain
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Speaker 1: get hammered with chemicals like endocannabinoids, which makes us feel good.
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Speaker 1: It gives us a high, it makes us it causes
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Speaker 1: us to like wherever we just did. And after that point,
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Speaker 1: when our brain recognizes an opportunity for our reward, it
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Speaker 1: releases the chemical dopamine, which tells our brain what to
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Speaker 1: pay attention to. Dopamine does not make us feel good.
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Speaker 1: What it does is it creates a feeling inside of
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Speaker 1: us of arousal. We feel more alert, awake, captivated. We
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Speaker 1: recognize the possibility of feeling good, and we're willing to
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Speaker 1: work for that feeling. So again, the feeling is not happiness.
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Speaker 1: It's not pleasure. It's seeking. It's a wanting. It's a craving.
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Speaker 1: It's desire. It's anticipation. It's not satisfaction. It's not pleasure.
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Speaker 1: It's not the actual reward. It's not happiness, it's not fulfillment.
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Speaker 1: That flood of dopamine hijacks our attention and we become
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Speaker 1: fixated on obtaining and repeating whatever triggered the desire. The
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Speaker 1: other thing that's interesting is when our reward centers in
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Speaker 1: our brain releases dopamine, it also sends a message to
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Speaker 1: the brain's stress centers, and it triggers the release of
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Speaker 1: stress hormones, which makes you feel anxious as you anticipate
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Speaker 1: the object of desire. So we don't just we don't
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Speaker 1: just feel good. We get this sense of stress. It's
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Speaker 1: like what we need to get that thing that our
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Speaker 1: brain is telling us that we need. It makes it
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Speaker 1: feel like a life or death emergency. It's a matter
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Speaker 1: of our survival. And in those old days when we
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Speaker 1: were cavemen, it was a matter of survival, when we
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Speaker 1: were forging around. We saw a big bushel of blackberries.
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Speaker 1: Our brain said, get it, go for it. Now, seek it,
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Speaker 1: crave it, go for it because it may not be
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Speaker 1: there tomorrow. And that is still in our brain set
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Speaker 1: that reward system. That that's what dope mean does it
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Speaker 1: makes us want it? The high dope mean level causes
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Speaker 1: cravings and desire, does not cause us to feel happy,
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Speaker 1: are fulfilled our content. We actually get less and less
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Speaker 1: satisfaction from normal doses of dope me over time, so
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Speaker 1: a tolerance begins to arise and we need bigger and
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Speaker 1: bigger thrills. You know, all the way throughout our history
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Speaker 1: when people first started using drugs, it's always been for
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Speaker 1: good reasons because drugs are an easy way to escape
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Speaker 1: to feeling power, to cope with life, to survive. Much
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Speaker 1: of the rush that people get is from that loop
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Speaker 1: that comes from acquiring and using drugs. There's really good
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Speaker 1: metaphor that I read about not too long ago. It's
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Speaker 1: about Dante's Inferno and people who are in the grip
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Speaker 1: of this addiction thrill hangover cycle are like Dante's image
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Speaker 1: of Satan in the Inferno, Dante described Hell not as
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Speaker 1: a world of heat and fire, but rather as a
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Speaker 1: world of cold and ice, and Satan wanted to get
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Speaker 1: out of that hell and do the right thing, and
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Speaker 1: so all of his life he was flapping his wings
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Speaker 1: because that had worked in real life to get him someplace.
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Speaker 1: But now he was stuck up to his chest in
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Speaker 1: ice that was his inferno. In order to try and
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Speaker 1: break free, he starts flapping his wings, and these giant
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Speaker 1: wings flap harder and harder, and he never realizes that
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Speaker 1: by flapping those wings, he's actually creating an icy wind
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Speaker 1: that makes Hell and its ice colder and firmer, securing
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Speaker 1: him ever and tighter and tighter in his duck position.
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Speaker 1: And that's what the thrill hangover cycle is like, we
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Speaker 1: try harder and harder with more and more things, and
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Speaker 1: we keep getting those initial cheap thrills, but then we're
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Speaker 1: still stuck with the hangover. So what we need to
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Speaker 1: do is work to understand and find other outlets for
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Speaker 1: our feelings of restlessness and discontent. Once we realize and
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Speaker 1: accept that flapping our wings only makes things worse, we
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Speaker 1: can other ways out of our hell. So what can
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Speaker 1: we do to get out of this thrill hangover cycle?
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Speaker 1: First and foremost, you've got to become aware if you're
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Speaker 1: stuck in it. You have to become aware that you're
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Speaker 1: in the cycle, which might mean some quiet alone time
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Speaker 1: to think about what you're feeling, because a lot of
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Speaker 1: people don't take the time to do that and so
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Speaker 1: they just remain numb. So it's about allowing yourself to
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Speaker 1: go there and to be curious about why am I
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Speaker 1: feeling this? What am I feeling? Then to express those
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Speaker 1: emotions so you can start understanding where the unhappiness is
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Speaker 1: coming from. We need to shed just we need to
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Speaker 1: shine the light of awareness onto ourselves and wake up,
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Speaker 1: wake up like that like that guy did after we
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Speaker 1: fell into the Thames River. Once become aware that we're
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Speaker 1: in that cycle, and once become aware of the cost
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Speaker 1: of grabbing onto those that of those hangovers, I'm sorry,
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Speaker 1: with those thrills, then we can start to make some
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Speaker 1: different choices. When we start to feel unhappy, empty, whatever,
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Speaker 1: we can start to reach for some healthy fillers, not thrills,
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Speaker 1: but healthy ones, healthier ways to make ourselves feel happy.
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Speaker 1: So we can start doing things that fill us up,
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Speaker 1: things like maybe journaling, playing an instrument, exercise, writing songs,
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Speaker 1: writing stories, writing poetry, any kind of artwork, having some
15:30
Speaker 1: time with good friends, good conversation with your dear friends.
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Speaker 1: Time in nature is a big one. Acts of service
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Speaker 1: volunteering fill us up with some really beautiful feelings. You
15:42
Speaker 1: do things that when you're done doing them, you feel
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Speaker 1: happy and fulfilled and content, not cravings and desires. So
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Speaker 1: we had to switch out of the old cycle and
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Speaker 1: find some healthier thrillers. There was a man Alfred who
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Speaker 1: awoke one morning and he grabbed the paper and looked aside,
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Speaker 1: and he found his name in the obituary in the newspaper.
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Speaker 1: This is a true story. Somebody had mistakenly thought that
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Speaker 1: he had died, and the headline in the paper in
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Speaker 1: his obituary gave him pause because it said Dynamite King dies,
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Speaker 1: as well as a description in there calling him the
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Speaker 1: merchant of Death. Because Alfred was the inventor of dynamite
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Speaker 1: and he had amass a huge fortune from the manufacture
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Speaker 1: of weapons of destruction. This was an epiphany moment for
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Speaker 1: Alfred because he did not want that to be his legacy.
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Speaker 1: So for the rest of his life, this man devoted
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Speaker 1: his money and his energy to works of peace and
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Speaker 1: bettering mankind. When he actually did pass away, he was
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Speaker 1: remembered not as a merchant of death, but instead as
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Speaker 1: the founder of the Nobel Peace Prize. Alfred was for Nobel.
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Speaker 1: He became aware of his pattern, He became aware of
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Speaker 1: his thrill hangover cycle, and he started doing things that
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Speaker 1: were healthier for him. That gave him a different kind
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Speaker 1: of feeling. Now, you don't always have to change what
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Speaker 1: you're doing in your life. Sometimes you just need to
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Speaker 1: change why you're doing it. I told this story one
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Speaker 1: time in the previous podcast, so I apologized it's been
17:26
Speaker 1: a while, but so let me repeat it now. This
17:29
Speaker 1: was back, oh gosh, probably thirty years ago, thirty something
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Speaker 1: years ago, and my wife and now we're teaching some
17:36
Speaker 1: personal growth weekend retreats. I was teaching parenting classes and
17:42
Speaker 1: after the training in Colorado, I'm sorry down in Texas
17:47
Speaker 1: and one of my mentors was in a car ride
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Speaker 1: with me and and some other people, and I was
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Speaker 1: talking about how I wasn't I wasn't feeling that great anymore,
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Speaker 1: about when I gave talks, and like I used to
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Speaker 1: give a talk and then people would clap and it
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Speaker 1: would feel good and it filled me up, but it
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Speaker 1: wasn't doing it anymore for me. I remember this, this
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Speaker 1: mentor Bill. I was in the back seat and he
18:16
Speaker 1: was in the front. Remember him turning around, put his
18:19
Speaker 1: hand on the on the on the seat. He said,
18:21
Speaker 1: your problem isn't what you're doing, it's why you're doing it.
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Speaker 1: You to switch why while you're doing what you're doing.
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Speaker 1: And I realized in that moment that he was right.
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Speaker 1: I was doing things to be noticed. I was doing
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Speaker 1: things to be better than other people. I was doing
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Speaker 1: things to be applauded. I grew up the third boy
18:43
Speaker 1: in my family, and I had five younger sisters, and
18:45
Speaker 1: I my way of being noticed in my home was
18:48
Speaker 1: getting good grades, being a good boy, and so I
18:53
Speaker 1: think that pattern had started back when I was a kid,
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Speaker 1: And so what I decided to do was not stop
18:59
Speaker 1: teaching weekend retreats, not stop teaching the parenting classes, not
19:05
Speaker 1: stop doing anything I was doing. But I switched my
19:07
Speaker 1: intention from being famous, being important, being applauded to being
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Speaker 1: of service. I remembered I started way back then, thirty
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Speaker 1: something years ago. Like before, I would give a talk
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Speaker 1: and I would walk out in the stage, somebody would
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Speaker 1: be introducing me. I would be staying there, waiting, and
19:27
Speaker 1: in my mind, I was repeating the first line of
19:29
Speaker 1: the prayer of Saint Francis, which is, Lord, make me
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Speaker 1: an instrument of your peace, which to me meant, don't
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Speaker 1: do this, you know to be great and to be applauded.
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Speaker 1: Do this because you want to be of service. Don't
19:42
Speaker 1: do it because you're trying to get them to sign
19:43
Speaker 1: up for a class. Just do it to be of
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Speaker 1: service tonight. And when I did that, I started shifting
19:50
Speaker 1: my intention to just being of service to people. It
19:53
Speaker 1: made all the difference in the world for me. I
19:56
Speaker 1: got my fulfillment back. I got my contentment back. It's
20:00
Speaker 1: never too late to take stock of where you are
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Speaker 1: in your life, in your life's journey, and to make
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Speaker 1: some changes if you find if you find yourself unfulfilled, numb,
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Speaker 1: are miserable, I was lucky. I had that epiphany moment
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Speaker 1: where my mentor woke me up and you helped shine
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Speaker 1: the light of awareness onto my The reason I was
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Speaker 1: not being happy anymore, it was why I was doing something.
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Speaker 1: It was my intention. The first step for all of
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Speaker 1: us is to become aware of our thrill hangover cycle,
20:33
Speaker 1: and especially if for having those feelings of being numb, discontented, dissatisfied,
20:41
Speaker 1: never content, never enough. So the first step is to
20:46
Speaker 1: become aware that you're stuck in the cycle, and the
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Speaker 1: second one is to be able to wake up to
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Speaker 1: your feelings, be honest with your emotions, be honest about
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Speaker 1: why you're troubled, and then have the courage to do
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Speaker 1: whatever work you need to do to reclaim your life.
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Speaker 1: It might be shifting what you're doing, it might be
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Speaker 1: shifting your intention for why you're doing it. But it's
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Speaker 1: about reaching for some healthy thrills, some healthy fillers, I
21:14
Speaker 1: should say, not thrills, healthy fillers. You can decide what
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Speaker 1: your healthy fillers are. It can be things as simple
21:20
Speaker 1: as just time and nature, taking walks, surrounding yourself with
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Speaker 1: healthy people who are good for you, people who are happy.
21:29
Speaker 1: People will call you out if you will healthy fillers. So,
21:34
Speaker 1: whether it's journaling, whether it's playing an instrument, whether it's
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Speaker 1: taking a class, whether it's yoga classes, whether it's reading,
21:40
Speaker 1: whether it's time and nature, whatever it might be, you
21:45
Speaker 1: do those things to fill yourself up, and those things last.
21:51
Speaker 1: Those things will last, unlike the thrills that we're used
21:54
Speaker 1: to grabbing onto. I hope that this helps. I think
22:01
Speaker 1: those epiphany moments are really important moments in our lives
22:04
Speaker 1: when we step back from ourselves and kind of take
22:08
Speaker 1: take in. You know, am I where I want to be?
22:12
Speaker 1: Take stock? And if not, then you really Then you
22:14
Speaker 1: start to become more aware of I wonder why why
22:17
Speaker 1: do I have this feeling of discontent? Why am I
22:20
Speaker 1: not fulfilled by what I'm doing? Why am I not happy?
22:23
Speaker 1: I can be thrill happy, but that doesn't last. It's
22:27
Speaker 1: not real happiness. It's a thrill. Become aware, make some changes,
22:32
Speaker 1: and I guarantee that you'll feel a lot better. You'll
22:35
Speaker 1: feel more fulfillment and happiness and contentment. As always, thanks
22:41
Speaker 1: so much for stopping by here and listening to these podcasts.
22:44
Speaker 1: I always appreciate when y'all passes on to your friends
22:48
Speaker 1: people you know. I will be back here with a
22:51
Speaker 1: brand new podcast in a week. Check Out all the
22:54
Speaker 1: things I do at my website www dot d R
22:58
Speaker 1: Tim Jordan dot com. I've got seven books I've written
23:02
Speaker 1: those those are on there. My camps, my weekend retreats,
23:07
Speaker 1: all the stuff that my wife and I do. You'll
23:09
Speaker 1: find all this stuff on the website, all kinds of
23:11
Speaker 1: resources there for you. I've done now three hundred and
23:14
Speaker 1: sixty two of these podcasts, so there's a record you
23:17
Speaker 1: can look back and listen to any one you haven't
23:20
Speaker 1: heard before. Thank you so much for being here. Thank
23:23
Speaker 1: you so much for stopping by. I'll be back here
23:26
Speaker 1: in a week with a brand new podcast. See you then,