Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 231: "If You Loved Me, You Would Let Me": When Love Says NO.

Transcript

231: "If You Loved Me, You Would Let Me": When Love Says NO. · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Now, last week we talked about how to increase your personal levels of love ability, meaning your own personal capacity to love other people.
• 0:30
  And I know that during that episode, many of you were thinking,"Okay, sure, it's all well and good to love everybody no matter what they choose to do.
• 0:37
  But what about when people make you angry?
• 0:40
  What about when they take advantage of you?
• 0:41
  What then?
• 0:42
  What about when they're disrespectful?
• 0:44
  Am I just supposed to put up with it?
• 0:46
  Because I don't wanna be a doormat.
• 0:48
  I mean, yeah, I wanna be loving, and also, I want to be boundaried.
• 0:52
  So what does that even look like?" And that is a very valid question.
• 0:57
  So today, we're going to be breaking down how to be loving while also being well-boundaried.
• 1:02
  Now, there are two episodes that can really help out with this.
• 1:05
  There's last week's episode on increasing love ability, and also episode 173 on doormat versus welcome mat energy.
• 1:13
  And so if you want to dive deeper, go ahead and check out the show notes to find links to those.
• 1:17
  But today I'm going to be kind of combining those two ideas.
• 1:21
  Many people have the belief that showing up with love means letting other people do whatever the heck they want.
• 1:28
  So they find themselves in relationships where they're tolerating poor behavior or mistreatment or imbalance, or just really feeling taken advantage of in a relationship, and they stay in those relationships because they're hoping that the other person, that they'll eventually see how kind and patient and amazing and brilliant and self-sacrificing that they are, and eventually they might get some love and kindness in return But the thing is that while they think that self-sacrificing like that and letting people walk all over them is going to create appreciation and connection in a relationship, what it actually does is it creates a feeling of being walked over, taken advantage of, and honestly, just kind of feeling generally low and disappointed when people don't show up in the way that we would have liked for them to show up.
• 2:16
  And when we continue to tolerate poor behavior, then over time, it creates doormat energy.
• 2:25
  Now, there is a very big difference between doormat energy and welcome mat energy.
• 2:30
  The doormat energy, it carries the same energy as that really nasty rug by your back door where everybody wipes their feet.
• 2:38
  They all leave their crap there, and it never, ever gets cleaned.
• 2:41
  In fact, maybe you don't even remember what color that back mat is anymore because now it's just simply become a place to wipe your feet.
• 2:50
  But welcome mat energy, it is very different.
• 2:53
  Welcome mat energy, it sets a clear boundary between yourself and the outside world.
• 2:59
  It is very well taken care of, this welcome mat energy.
• 3:02
  In fact, it's often very beautiful.
• 3:04
  So it may have a whole bunch of personal touches around it, like it might have some planters on either side of the welcome mat.
• 3:10
  There might be a beautiful wreath hanging on the door above it, but the welcome mat, it's on a porch that is swept clean.
• 3:16
  It's warm.
• 3:17
  It's welcoming.
• 3:17
  It's beautiful.
• 3:19
  And also, because that space is very well-maintained, then it naturally demands respect.
• 3:26
  Nobody is going to go up on this absolutely beautiful porch and wipe their nasty mucking boots.
• 3:31
  All right?
• 3:32
  They can tell just by looking at this porch that, okay, this is not a place to leave your yuck.
• 3:38
  Welcome mat energy, it says,"I will be respected.
• 3:42
  My space will be respected.
• 3:44
  And if you show up just wanting to leave your crap here, I'm probably not going to let you inside." The truth is that you might actually meet people in life that want to try to get away with using you like a doormat rather than treating you like a welcome mat.
• 3:59
  And they might even tell you something like,"Hey, if you really loved me, you would accept me the way that I am.
• 4:04
  You would let me wipe my mucking boots all over your welcome mat.
• 4:07
  You would let me into your home.
• 4:09
  You would let me walk across your beautiful carpet and sit on your brand-new white couch with my filthy clothes on, because that's what love is.
• 4:17
  Love means accepting other people the way that they are.
• 4:19
  And if you don't accept me the way that I am and let me into your home, then you're not actually being a loving human." And when somebody tells you something like that, it has a way of really getting into your head.
• 4:31
  For many in my audience, then they really want to be warm and welcoming and friendly and genuinely love other people.
• 4:38
  They want to be loving and accepting.
• 4:41
  They want to love and accept everybody, regardless of their circumstances.
• 4:45
  But when they're left with a mess, not only on their rug, but they now have footprints on their carpet and they've got mud and grime and who knows what else all over their brand-new sofa, then it can really create some internal conflict because now it's negatively impacting them.
• 5:00
  Their level of tolerance is now negatively impacting them, and that makes it a lot harder for them to show up in that love and kindness over time.
• 5:09
  Now, of course people want to be loved and accepted exactly as they are, and it is possible to love somebody and to tell them no.
• 5:18
  And guess what?
• 5:19
  Loving and accepting people, it needs to go in both directions.
• 5:22
  So this means that not only is it your responsibility to learn how to love and accept people grime and all, but it also means that the other person, they need to learn how to love and respect that you have personal boundaries, that you can tell people that,"Hey, guess what?
• 5:36
  I'm not gonna let you in my house with these nasty boots on and with mud and who knows what else all over your pants." And that doesn't mean that you don't love them.
• 5:44
  It doesn't mean that you don't want a relationship with them.
• 5:47
  It just means that you have boundaries, and you can enforce your boundaries with a high level of love ability.
• 5:55
  So for example, you might say something like,"Hey, I see you.
• 6:00
  I love you.
• 6:01
  I fully accept the fact that you are covered head to toe in crap right now, and because of that, I'm not going to let you inside.
• 6:08
  I will sit on the porch with you, but you're not going to be coming into my personal space with all of that going on." Or you might say something like,"Hey, I love you, and I really wanna be there for you, and also, if you want to visit with me in my home, I'm going to need you to go home and shower and put on fresh clothes and get all of that cleaned up before you come inside.
• 6:29
  I want to spend time with you, and I really hope that asking you to clean up, that it's not going to get in the way of our relationship.
• 6:36
  But I am going to ask you to not come into my home until you're cleaned up." Or you might say something like,"Hey, how about if I come to your house?
• 6:44
  I just cleaned my carpets.
• 6:45
  I have a brand new white couch.
• 6:47
  So hey, let's visit at your house over there, okay?
• 6:49
  That would be so much better." Now, it's kind, it's clear, it's creating connection, and it's leading with love.
• 6:55
  And it also helps to set the standard for how it is that you expect to be treated in a relationship.
• 7:01
  You're not shaming the other person for being covered in crap.
• 7:04
  You're showing up with love and with warm and welcoming energy, and also, you're not going to let them walk all over you and make a mess of your place.
• 7:12
  Okay, so what does this look like in other situations?
• 7:14
  Let's play around with it a little bit.
• 7:16
  So maybe this looks like telling your teenager,"Hey, I love you, and I am really concerned about the vape that I found in your pants pocket while I was doing laundry.
• 7:25
  Vapes are really bad for you.
• 7:26
  In fact, they have so many chemicals in them that are known to cause cancer.
• 7:29
  So I'm sure that you can see why I might be concerned about your health.
• 7:33
  I'm concerned about your health.
• 7:34
  I'm concerned about how this might impact your brain development with you starting something so young.
• 7:39
  So I have a lot of concerns right now.
• 7:42
  And I wanna be clear that I'm not okay with you vaping, And vaping is not something that I'm going to allow in our home.
• 7:48
  So I have taken the vape away because it is my job to keep you safe, and I love you, and I want you to be safe.
• 7:54
  But for right now, let's talk about what kind of support you might need moving forward." Now notice that never once did this parent shame or blame or yell, but they also didn't tell their teen that it was okay to vape because they loved them.
• 8:06
  Instead, then they held a very firm boundary, and they explicitly told their teen,"No, vaping is not going to be allowed in our home." Okay, another example.
• 8:16
  You found out that your partner is looking at pornography, and your partner is saying,"Hey, it's not that big of a deal.
• 8:22
  Everybody does it." But you're not okay with it.
• 8:26
  You don't want his mess to come and impact your space.
• 8:30
  Now, if you wanted to state a boundary with a high level of love ability, then you might say something like,"Hey, I hear you.
• 8:37
  I hear you saying that it's not a big deal, and that might be true for you.
• 8:42
  But it is a big deal to me, and you're free to spend your time how you want to spend it.
• 8:47
  And also, I love you, and I want us to be able to talk about uncomfortable things.
• 8:51
  But I do not want to be a part of a marriage where porn is a part of the relationship." Now again, notice that the wife, she's being kind and clear, and she's also being firm about what it is that she will and will not tolerate.
• 9:05
  She's being very clear that she does not want pornography coming into the home.
• 9:10
  Or maybe the situation that you're dealing with is something that's a little bit more simple.
• 9:14
  So for example, maybe you're feeling overburdened by acts of service.
• 9:18
  For example, maybe you find yourself saying,"Hey, I really love this organization," or"I really love this congregation," or"Hey, I really love serving as a parent volunteer, and I want to continue to love it.
• 9:30
  I want to continue to love and to serve here, but right now I'm feeling like I'm taking on the bulk of the work here.
• 9:37
  I'm feeling really burned out.
• 9:39
  I'm feeling kinda taken advantage of right now.
• 9:42
  So I'm going to need some time and some space for me in order to make this more sustainable for me, in order to make this something that I can continue to love and continue to show up for." So many times in life, we really want to show up in these amazing ways.
• 9:57
  But when things get out of balance or we start to feel taken advantage of, we simply can't.
• 10:04
  In fact, maybe for you, then you're currently in a relationship where you've noticed an imbalance.
• 10:09
  If so, you might say something like,"Hey, I love and I care about you.
• 10:14
  And because I want our relationship to be something sustainable, because I want to continue to be in relationship with you specifically, then I just wanted to let you know that lately I've been feeling kind of burned out and taken advantage of.
• 10:26
  I love showing up when you need help.
• 10:28
  I love that you feel like you can come to me when you need support, and I feel very fulfilled by that.
• 10:33
  And also, lately, I've been feeling kind of unseen.
• 10:38
  And so I'm happy to show up for you, and also, I would appreciate something coming back in.
• 10:43
  I know that having an imbalanced relationship wasn't your intent, and I also know that you have a lot on your plate right now.
• 10:48
  But even if you were able to offer a sincere thank you when I do show up for you, that would go such a long way for me in our relationship.
• 10:56
  Because the truth is, I'm not going to be able to show up for you as often as I would like to if I don't have something coming in for me." When two people genuinely care about a relationship, then they want both parties' needs to be met.
• 11:10
  So it's 100% okay to tell other people what it is that you need in order to get your needs met too.
• 11:17
  And it's okay to tell them that,"Hey, right now I just don't have the capacity.
• 11:21
  So I can either get my needs met here in this relationship, and that would be the ideal for me because I want to be in a relationship with you, or I can get my needs met elsewhere.
• 11:30
  Where do we go from here?" People are going to be who it is that they're going to be.
• 11:35
  They're free to choose how it is that they wanna show up in life.
• 11:38
  And guess what?
• 11:38
  That is actually fantastic news because we can't control how other people are going to show up anyway And more likely than not, you're going to burn yourself out trying to change other people.
• 11:49
  By having boundaries and letting people know with kindness and love what it is that you need, it's not only going to increase the odds of you getting your needs met, but it's also going to allow you to keep your space clean, to not let their crap get dragged all over your carpet.
• 12:04
  And one really interesting thing to note here is that when we genuinely love people exactly as they are, then it can actually make it easier to move on if and when needed.
• 12:14
  It helps us to not take things as personally.
• 12:17
  We're better able to see things more as a compatibility issue.
• 12:20
  That, okay, it sounds like you want this in a relationship and I want this in a relationship, and those two things are different, so maybe it's time to go our separate ways.
• 12:28
  And that you're able to do so with love.
• 12:31
  It makes these differences more of a compatibility issue than taking things personally when someone won't change.
• 12:38
  You can love people, and you can want what's best for them, and you can also choose what is best for you.
• 12:45
  Other people, they're free to vape.
• 12:47
  They're free to look at porn.
• 12:48
  They're free to speak disrespectfully.
• 12:50
  They're even free to make requests of you when it comes to your time, your energy, your talents, your service, and you are free to adapt and change accordingly as you learn what is and isn't working for you in a relationship.
• 13:03
  You do not need to control other people.
• 13:05
  You don't need to convince them to change.
• 13:07
  You don't have to punish them if they don't change.
• 13:10
  You don't even have to stop loving them.
• 13:12
  You simply get to decide what it is that you will and will not accept in a relationship.
• 13:18
  And yeah, they still might say,"Hey, if you loved me, then you would let me do what I want.
• 13:23
  You would love me flaws and all.
• 13:24
  You would love me unconditionally, and that means you will let me bring my crap into your space." But the truth is that you can choose to love them, flaws and all, and still ask them to sit outside on the stoop if they show up with crap on their boots.
• 13:38
  Now, if you need help and support learning how to set boundaries with love, come and work with me.
• 13:43
  I would love to work with you.
• 13:44
  You can check out the show notes to find my contact information, but let's get you on the books.
• 13:49
  Well, I love you guys, I mean it, and I hope you have a great week.
• 13:52
  Let's talk soon.
• 13:53
  Bye now