Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Cravings, Chaos & Comedy – Unfiltered 🤣

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Cravings, Chaos & Comedy – Unfiltered 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my name is Lorena or Lorena, bless you.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: This is a recording, so if we could just bless you.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, we're gonna take it for one, two, three.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, my name is Lorena.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Get out of here.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is so exciting.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: I painted that painting.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'll get to it.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, my name is Loretta.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Or Lorena, depending on where you are and Duolingo.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's good.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm uh I'm Latina.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Crazy.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, we watch Narcos.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's very good.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's syndicated, is it?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: I just start doing a TED talk on just film and TV.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: How are you?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Great.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I am Latina, but people have a tough time believing I'm Latina, which is fair because you know, instead of having wrestling bitch face, I do have resting colonial man face.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, perfect.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well what's crazy is that both my parents are Latino, they're both Colombian immigrants, and they're non-traditional immigrants in the sense that they always encourage me to pursue happiness over money.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, which is very sweet, but I'm very poor.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very poor.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: People have been talking a lot about making passive income.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: I am still trying to figure out the active kind.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: But so this is true.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Before I worked in comedy, I was a professional soccer player, which is, yeah, oh my gosh, good.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: You guys, you guys, come on.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: I know I can't feel my knees.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's so bad.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, so I played soccer professionally, and it's kind of like crazy because you know, being a lesbian that's also a pro soccer player, it is too gay.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: It is, it is.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like even I'm like, I crossed a line.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like what's next?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm secretly the phantom of the opera.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, good.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna get you guys.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are crazy.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Stop it, I'm shy.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: But yes, I played soccer professionally and I really I had a short career, but I loved every second of it.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: The only thing I didn't like was like the lack of resources, which is unheard of in women's sports.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, for example, the men's team, right?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: They they had a medical staff of six different people.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: And the women's team, our medical staff was Advil and the Lord.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And you guys think I'm joking, but I sprained an ankle and I went from atheist to evangelical so quickly.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Just immediately.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I went through a lot of big changes last year that started with gay divorce.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, if you don't know gay divorce is what the plus symbolizes, an LGBT plus.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Although I would argue a minus would be more appropriate.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Those are math jokes.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: I want to get you guys, though.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: But so after my divorce, I was like, it's time to finally start working on my confidence.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Which is weird, but you know, like as an athlete, I was confident on the field.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: As a performer, confident on the stage.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: But as a person, you guys are witnessing sort of the end of an evolution.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like I I used to I used to I used to think that the weekend and Vampire Weekend were the same band.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: It just depended on the time.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: So the way I worked on my confidence was I would do mirror mantras.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: You guys know about these?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, unhealthy.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Perfect.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: So do these mirror mantras.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't know, mirror mantras are just a positive affirmation you say out loud to yourself in the mirror.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: It basically means you've reached the age where you care about your mental health, but your insurance only covers speaking to your reflection.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah, hell yeah.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: That one cuts deep where it needs to.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: But so my miramantra was calling myself handsome, right?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: And personally, you know, just an aside, I think we're way too focused on pronouns.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: I've moved on to adjectives.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: No, I think so.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think so.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: She, her, hers, no.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: I identify as hungry, horny, and high strung.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I got you guys.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: They like wordplay.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I would so I would call myself handsome in the mirror, and after a month of handsoming in the mirror, it worked.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: It really worked.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: I started feeling handsome on the inside, and more importantly, women started treating me handsome on the outside.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: It was so nice.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: It was the first time in my life genuinely where I felt confident.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: But then I think I got a little too confident.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I got cocky.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Literally, because I got so confident I decided to have sex with my first man ever.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, buckle up, we're at rock bottom.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Is everyone okay?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so sorry, there is no chiropractor in the world that can correct the whiplash you just experienced.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I would just like to say, if you're surprised, you know, how do you think I felt?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: You guys have known me for four minutes.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I've I've known me my whole life.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want to say though, okay, so to be clear, it was fun.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: It just was very surprising.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, it was an unexpected choice, you know, like having sex with a man for the first time as a butch woman in her 30s.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: It is kind of like winning the Willy Wonka golden ticket.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: But instead of walking into the chocolate factory, I just went right back into that bed and fucked those four old people.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't know if you've seen the whites at weddings, but it is their Super Bowl, okay?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: And on top of that, it was my first wedding since my divorce.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I was feeling a little nervous, okay?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I did what any ethnic person would do in the situation, and I cling on to the only other ethnic person at the wedding.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: What starts as a trauma bond turns into a genuine connection.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: We are laughing, we're crying, and then suddenly it's midnight, and he's looking at me like he wants to kiss me.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm looking at him like Judy Bloom did not prepare me for this.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: So we kiss, and it was very romantic, but just for us, because you have to remember people do know me at this wedding.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: And they know I'm so gay, how gay?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Gay soccer.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or they don't know me, which means that they're 70-year-olds who think they're watching two men kiss.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because me and this man are absolutely in matching suits.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: We look like the Jonas brothers.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: We go, okay, they're on tour.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: We go to his place, we hook up, nobody comes, and I'm told that that's fine.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: But I learned so much from the experience.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I I felt sort of like a foreign exchange student.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like I knew I'd have to go back to my native lesbian country, but in the moment I was like, wow, so this is New Jersey.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Here's what I learned.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Testicles.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Those are an unfinished project.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Those are not done, okay.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Testicles are a draft email that got sent out too soon.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: If eyes are the windows to the soul, testicles are the door to hell.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Blowjobs.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: I gave my first blowjob ever, and I was bad at it.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was not good.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: It was the first job I ever had where I thought, yeah, I should get paid seventy cents to the dollar.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I have to go.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I'm I'm sad too, but if we've learned anything in this, breakups are hard, you know.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they make you have sex with a man.