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What You Don't Need During Divorce - Part 1 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast where I'm going to talk you through a whole lot of things that you don't need in order to survive your divorce, to move through your divorce, to reorganise your life and your family afterwards.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there is a whole lot of stuff that you do need when you're navigating separation and divorce.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: You need sound legal and financial advice, you need emotional support and a regulated nervous system, you need to be able to communicate clearly and calmly, you need objective practical guidance, you need a solid strategy that you're going to stick to, and you need a future focus.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: There are a whole lot of things that you do need, but this is also a time to strip out all the noise because there really is a lot that you don't need as you move through divorce.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And in this episode, I'm going to talk you through some of those things that you really don't need while you're navigating separation, divorce, healing, reorganizing your life and your family afterwards.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing you don't need is added anxiety or added stress.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is inherently stressful.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't need added anxiety, added stress.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So here is an invitation to strip out anything that's making you feel wobbly, less than, more anxious, adding to your overwhelm, adding to your stress.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Minimize your additional or added anxiety, added stress by eliminating anything in your life that contributes to those feelings, those feelings of overwhelm.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And by that I mean stuff, any stuff, activities, even people.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: So this could mean decluttering your physical space.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: It could mean stepping back from certain activities or responsibilities, whether that is social or at work.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it could even mean distancing yourself from certain people, certain relationships.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that adds to your load, try and strip it out, minimise it, let go of it.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And also start telling yourself every day until you start to believe it that you will be okay.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge that this is really hard.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge the difficulty of what you're going through, what you're navigating, but also recognize that you can bring resilience.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you've overcome challenges before, and while this is really, really hard right now, you've done hard things before and you'll get through it.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: You'll ask for and find the help that you need, and that while it might not feel like it right now, you will be okay.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And part of that being okay through the process is minimizing the load you have to carry in terms of stress, anxiety, overwhelm.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing you don't need is negative self-talk.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You really don't need that negative narrative running.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: You do need faith and trust and posity, you know, if those voices come up telling you all the things, you know, I'm gonna be alone forever, this is terrible, this is gonna destroy us all, whatever that narrative that runs in your head.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, ask yourself, is it helpful, is it productive, and how can I shift and change that?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Also, it can be helpful just to acknowledge that thought, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be alone forever, and then add the next part.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I'm okay, I'm alone right now, and I'm choosing to sit in that aloneness forever.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: It won't be forever.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your mind will take you down rabbit holes at work while you're driving in the middle of the night, 3 a.m., and there'll be times when your inner voice, your inner critic shows up and shows up loud.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Self-doubt, self-criticism, all the what ifs, all the judgments, all the I should have's, I should not have's, they will all rise up.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you really don't need to be beating yourself up with negative self-talk while you're moving through separation, divorce.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So do whatever you can to try and shift this inner narrative.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's an earlier podcast episode on Inner Critic that if this is happening for you, it might be worth going back and listening to that one.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, remind yourself of your worthiness, of your strength, and how strong and powerful and amazing you are, that you've done the hard things and all the ways that you've shown up for yourself in positive ways.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Shift your mindset towards gratitude, towards being present, towards focusing on what you have instead of just what you what you're about to lose or what you're losing.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on what you're evolving into, what you're choosing to leave behind, including that negative chatter about not being good enough or whatever it is for you.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Shift your focus onto what you're evolving into.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And in saying all of that, I'm really not one for that toxic posity, everything happens for a reason, and everything's going to be fantastic.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, a lot about divorce is really, really shit.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: But that's divorce that's hard and terrible and shitty, not you.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So split out what's happening to and around you from who you are.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make it about you and your worth.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank your inner critic for showing up to help you stay safe because that's that's what it is all about, right?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's about keeping us in our zone of comfort.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Then remind yourself, remind your inner critic that they don't get to run the show, that your brave and kind and compassionate and amazing self actually has this under control, even if it feels really hard and even if it feels really heartbreaking.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So reframe, practice deep self-compassion, and try to shift that inner voice to one of kindness, tenderness, care, and compassion.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Something else you don't need as you're navigating separation and divorce is a better or different body.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a better or different body.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just leave yourself as you are.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's really easy at highly emotional, highly challenging times like divorce to go hard on ourselves, to turn the critical lens on ourselves, including how we look, feeling unhappy with our body.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Especially, especially if there's been heartbreak, betrayal, or being left for someone else, right?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: All the judgment, all the self-criticism rises up.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: All those things we are told by society, by the media, by deep conditioning over not just our lifetime but decades, centuries about women's bodies, that noise can get really, really loud during this season.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something you really don't need to take on right now.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is a time to be gentle.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is a time to be kind to yourself.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot going on right now.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: So adding to that burden by feeling you have to or wanting to change your body, your weight, whatever, is just something you really don't need.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: So again, like the inner voice, when you're thinking about your body, be kind, be accepting, be self-loving, and stop beating up on yourself.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: What you really do need is a healthy, strong body.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Nourish it, cherish it, but in terms of feeling like your body isn't whatever, leave yourself alone.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is really a time to extend yourself the most loving kindness you possibly can.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's an invitation to practice that self-acceptance, compassion, care, love, and to understand on a cellular level, not just in your head, but in your heart, in your soul, in your gut, that your worth, your worthiness is not tied to your appearance.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So again, switch your focus, switch your focus to nurturing and cherishing your body through healthy habits, eating nourishing foods, staying active, moving your body in ways that feel good for you, and really, really importantly, allowing yourself rest.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You really need your body to support you through this, and you can do this best by honoring and caring for it in healthy ways.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Move it with love, nourish it with good food, allow it recovery and healing with rest.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing you don't need during separation divorce is a partner.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a partner.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, you can choose to partner up after or even during your divorce, but you can also do this by yourself.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can be happy and you can cope with all that's coming at you by yourself, even if you've never been or it's been a really long, long time since you've been solo or single.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: It is perfectly natural for us to seek companionship, particularly in times that are tough, times that are challenging, because you know, as humans we are hardwired for connection.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And flip side, it's also perfectly normal to hibernate and self-isolate.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: So choose here what you need.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Your happiness, your worthiness does not depend on having a partner.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You being able to do the hard things also doesn't depend on you having a partner.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: This time really can be a gift to go inward, to heal, as I said, to hibernate, to rediscover you, yourself, your interests, what you like, what you no longer want in your life, a chance to explore and open yourself up to new experiences, even if that is sitting in your loneliness and aloneness.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a time to really nourish yourself, engage in activities that you love, maybe explore new passions, embrace your independence, and the freedom that this gifts you to make choices just for you.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Finding fulfillment within yourself is a really powerful healing step, and it allows you to cultivate a really rich, satisfying life, however that looks, whether or not a partner is a part of it.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to wait.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to wait to do the good things.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do the good things that you want to do now.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Navigating your way through separation, divorce, reorganizing life afterwards, all the practical, financial, legal aspects can take a really, really long time.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it can feel like a waiting game where every single part of your life feels like it's in limbo on hold.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: But you don't have to delay living your life.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to wait to do all the good things.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Start doing the things that bring you joy and fulfillment that uplift you now, whatever that is.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Don't put it off until the divorce is finalized.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Don't put it off until.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is for you, whether it's hobbies, traveling, or just simply spending time doing things that light you up with the people that you love, do them now.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Each small step that we take creates momentum in healing.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So don't wait to do the good things.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Stretch into, expand into the fun uplifting stuff.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Don't put your happiness on hold just because there are parts of life that by necessity at the moment have to be on hold.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Embrace where you are, embrace the present, and really fill it up with experiences that nourish you, nourish your soul.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need, or you don't necessarily need, a stressful, high-powered job.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a high-powered, high-paying job might seem really appealing.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's really critical here to assess whether it aligns with your values and your lifestyle.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that you don't need to chase stress and burnout, but instead seek a job or career that provides financial stability and also personal satisfaction.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe for you it's about finding work that you believe in, you enjoy doing, and that enables you to maintain a really healthy work life, home, family, work balance, right?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Prioritizing your well-being is essential, and having a job that supports you both financially and emotionally, and also practically, I guess, is significant here.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: You do need a good job, a good business, a career, and aligned income, however, that looks for you, that supports your lifestyle, that pays you well, and you also need to be supported in other ways by your work.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that is about you believing in and enjoying what you're doing, having it aligned with your core values, and it it is in service to your broader financial well-being.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: So don't hear me say you don't need to chase the money.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: You do, we all do, and you need to do it in smart, values-aligned ways that serve you holistically, serve you, your family, to live the way you want to live your life.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Following on from that, the next thing you don't need is to be super wealthy.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, do not hear me say here that money and wealth are bad.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: That is not what I'm saying.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: What I am saying is that if you're stepping out of a relationship, a marriage where there has been a lot of money, it can feel really challenging.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to reassure you here that you don't need to be super wealthy.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Money is great and it's a fantastic tool.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: We can use a resource, and also everyone, everyone is tipped into scarcity mindset, become divorce.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're splitting your assets, you're splitting your household income, you're trying to set up a new home with less than in inverted commas, but your overall happiness and contentment and well-being is not necessarily contingent on the amount.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, many of my clients and many in my community find that less is actually more here, and that even when there was a greater amount of money flowing in, many of them come to realize that their wealthiest moments were not necessarily their happiest moments.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Financial stability and financial wellness is the key.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, splitting assets and household income can push you into that scarcity mindset, and then it is about how you manage your resources and that money mindset.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: What does a healthy financial life, a happy, fulfilling life look for you after separation, after divorce, and what does that cost?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: What does living a good life look for you?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, what does it cost?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: You need full visibility and a clear picture both on the financial resources of the marriage, of the relationship, and also what that's going to look like potentially after you've separated, after your divorce.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: So do a full, deep, honest financial audit of your life.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: What does a good life look like for you?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Be really clear on what that looks like for you, and that's going to be different for everyone.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Get clear on what it costs, what's coming in, what's going out, and where it's going so you can make conscious choices around where and how you use your money.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Also, around exactly how you're going to divide the financial resources of your marriage while you divorce, negotiate your property settlement.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: What makes most sense for you and your family moving forward?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on creating a life that allows you to have choice, allows you to have freedom.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, even if there's less money, you still have more.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: More agency, more choice, more freedom to decide exactly what you want and where and how you will spend your money and how you will create a life that your financial resources can support, or you will create the financial resources to support the life that you want now and into the future.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's also about going deeper on your personal money story.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what were you taught about money in your family of origin?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: What messages were you given?
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: What stories were you taught to believe about money?
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce and the shedding that comes with it is a great opportunity to explore and heal your money story.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And again, there are earlier podcast episodes, there are quite a few actually that delve more deeply into money specifically.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I would encourage you to search for those and have a listen.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, when it comes to money as you're navigating your separation, divorce, and working out what you do and what you don't need, invest in yourself, whether that's coaching, whether that's therapy, whether that's support, whatever it is, invest in yourself so that you can maximize your money and utilize it well.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Allocating resources toward you, your personal growth, your education, or whatever is important to you is never wasted money.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing you don't need navigating separation and divorce is to feel guilty.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that's about what you did, what you didn't do, about the impact this is having on your kids, whether it's about letting friends, family down, whether it's feeling like a failure, you don't need to feel guilty about your divorce.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that is whether you chose it or whether you did not.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: You really don't need to feel guilty about divorce.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt is such a heavy burden, and you're already carrying so much, right?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: So prior, I want you to really dig deep into this, I want you to really hear this because prioritizing what you want, your needs, your well-being is not selfish, it's necessary, even if you've got kids, even if you're a parent.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: When you invest time and resources into self-care, you expand your ability to cope and to thrive.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of feeling guilty here for making choices that are aligned with what you most want for yourself, for your future, instead of feeling guilty for taking care of you yourself, prioritizing you, recognize that doing that enables you to be more present, enables you to make conscious, future-focused decisions, and it enables you to be supportive of others who need it, your children.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as women and mothers especially, there is a lot of guilt that we are conditioned to carry, and now is a great time to let go of that conditioning.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, how would it be to reframe and release from that and show yourself and your kids what living your empowered truth can look like, what choosing consciously about yourself and your future can look like.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's really easy for me to just flippantly say guilt is a waste of time, but really it is.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine if you spent the time you are feeling guilty on yourself and building up yourself and create consciously creating and choosing for your future.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine the return on investment there.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing you don't need when you're navigating separation, divorce, and parenting afterwards is a toxic relationship with your ex.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is not always possible for everybody, right?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I'm talking about is what you have, what is within your own capacity and power to control.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a toxic relationship with your ex.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: So the invitation here is to learn how or choose to let go.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Divorces emotionally charged regardless whether you chose it, whether it was not of your choosing, whether there's been pain, whether there's been betrayal, it's tough.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: But hanging on to that resentment or holding on to hostility actually only prolongs your pain and makes that co-parenting relationship even more challenging than it already is or needs to be.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, even if the other parent is making it hard, let go of what you are able to let go of.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is a business you're now in with your ex.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your your business is co-parenting, and really not much bad can come from you being polite and respectful, even if it's not coming back at you from the other side, and even if your ex really is a narcissist.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go of the past, letting go of past patterns, letting go of past ways of relating allows you to focus on the present and also the future.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, you're in a business now, your primary business with your ex is co-parenting, which asks of you.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: It requires a level of cooperation for the well-being of your children.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's essential, yes, to set boundaries and develop a workable relationship, and all of that helps reduce stress and benefits everyone involved.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible to coexist peacefully, even if your history is fraught.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: So prioritize communication, mutual respect, or if it's not mutual, at least you offer and show respect for the other person.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: For you and for the sake of your kids.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Find a way to work together that works for you.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, we're not talking about abusive situations here, we're just talking about tricky, highly charged emotional situations.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a toxic relationship with your ex.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: So work out what is and is not within your capacity.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: Control about that relationship and about that interaction and focus on that.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be back in next week with the rest of this episode.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: As is my way, I got a little bit carried away planning and mapping this out, and I'm trying really hard to keep the podcast short and sharp going forward.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll be back in here next week with some more things that you really don't need when you're navigating divorce.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: As always, if you know someone who would be supported to listen to this episode, please share it with them.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: It can be one of the things that tips someone towards a kinder, more compassionate experience of separation and divorce.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love it if you would share it with someone that you think might be supported to listen.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, thank you for being here.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflex, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.