Latest / Aging Parent TrapX / DOWNSIZING 40 YEARS OF STUFF

Transcript

DOWNSIZING 40 YEARS OF STUFF · Aging Parent TrapX

• Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: So it's the who, what, when, where, why, and how, ⁓ like, how are we not going to lose our dang mind when we're trying to get everything out of that house. Nikki Flynn: good. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Welcome to Aging Parent Trap X. This is a podcast and a YouTube channel and we are talking to you, the Gen Xers out there who are going through dealing with their aging parents and navigating their senior years. It's a tough one. I know personally I'm going through it. I have been going through it. I help clients. go through it ⁓ with respect to their houses. I'm here with Nikki Flynn with Elite Preparation Services. And what she does is help you prepare legal documents like wills, power of attorneys, ⁓ trust. And I'm also here with Julie Cook with Generational Transitions. And she helps families find senior living facilities like assistant living, independent living, memory care. we want you to know that you are not alone and We are here to talk about it and today we are talking about what? to do with all the stuff in mom and dad's house. So we're talking about the who, what, where, when, why and how. ⁓ in regards to our parents' house and emptying it out and starting with the why. That's what we're going to start with is why do we have to empty out their house? Did they go to senior living, ⁓ assisted care, independent care? Did they move out? Did somebody pass away? That's the other one that, you know, we're trying to talk about everybody as they're living, but that's one. But you guys have seen it in your business, especially ⁓ you, ⁓ you know, Julie. mean, people say, all right, People are moving out now, so now we gotta clear out the house. Julie Cook: Yeah, yeah. And you're right. All of those situations apply. ⁓ Whether mom and dad can no longer live safely at home ⁓ or perhaps they're just lonely, especially if they're widowed and they just need companionship. There's that situation. Of course, there's if someone passes, but all of those situations are things. And then sometimes it may just be financial where if the home isn't paid for, just the weight, the financial weight. And so we have to do something else. And so we have to downsize. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah, and Nikki, I mean, you're getting ⁓ people involved with signing documents, trust, power of attorney. Now somebody else is making decisions for mom or dad or mom and dad. They have to, yeah. Nikki Flynn: Yeah, it's well, I mean you see it in the the preemptive part where sometimes the parents are completely capable and they're still coherent and and they're lucid and they're able to start making their own decisions that when they're putting these documents in place It's something that we talk about ahead of time and just let them know like okay Maybe it's time to start cleaning and going through things part of doing that estate plan is not just marking down the memorable things that you want to give to certain family members but also keeping things very neat and tidy and organized so that way the family knows where to go to find certain documents and valuables and things that they are being told that they need to go and locate in the event something happens to their parents when they become incapacitated. So it's kind of like a catch-22. We either do it beforehand where you have control of doing it or it happens when the kids are having to do it and you have no more control and now they're left with Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Right. Nikki Flynn: I don't even know how half of this stuff got accumulated. I don't know what to keep. I don't know where to begin. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah, right. the, you know, so why, when kind of combo ⁓ situation because why, why are we doing it? ⁓ You know, in my case, I had to do it because my, you know, my mom fell one day, basically. We all kind of, we've talked about that story before and then left, went to the hospital and never, ever, ever came back. She went straight to assisted living after some rehabilitation and I had to deal with, you know, the house and all the contents of the house. So that was the why, win and ⁓ it was because of that particular situation. But the win is also like how fast, like how fast do we need to take care of that because everybody's situation is going to be different. And if you're under the gun because you have to empty it to sell it or empty it to rent it or you know, maybe you can just take your time and time is a good thing to have when you're doing it because you are going through a lot of stuff. ⁓ Well, yeah, the Y win. Julie Cook: And the win too, Allison, may also factor in, yeah, with someone who's moving into a senior living community, oftentimes those apartments are unfurnished. The point of that being, you're encouraged to bring your personal belongings, bring that favorite recliner, bring those family photos so that it feels like home. It's just a new chapter, but that's your home. And so that factors in too is we may not. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Mm. Right. Julie Cook: be ready to downsize everything, but we've got to pick the most important things because our parent has to move. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Well, and that goes into the what. mean, it's, know, with all of this, and this is why it's so hard for us to navigate this and do it. ⁓ in a structured way is that it's all kind of being thrown at us all at the same time. You're making multiple decisions all at the same time. We just went through the why, the when, and the now we're going into the what, but it's all happening at the same time because if they have to move to assisted living, you got to take some of their stuff with them. So you got to go through the what stuff, like what are they going to keep? What are they going to donate? What are they going to sell? I mean, those are some of the things you have to do while they're going, you know, for the to the when and the why. ⁓ my goodness. ⁓ my goodness. And so, you know, making these, this is why it's ⁓ How are you going to do this without losing your, and I said dang mine, but we all know it could be something else. You can just lose your mind because 40 years or more of accumulated stuff in a house, we're, I just say 40 years, because I'm talking about one house, but we're talking a lifetime of stuff. So it's 70 plus years of stuff, but maybe only in that one house for 40 years. You know, what do you, how do you decide? This is the end the what and the how kind of go together as well What how and what do you decide to keep? Donate sell how how do you do that? How I? Tell me your experiences and working with people and and how you help them Julie Cook: So I can say from experience that it is stressful and it is draining, completely exhausting. So I think you need to go into it with those expectations. Families who come in and in one weekend we're gonna knock this out, bless your heart, you're gonna be exhausted if you make that happen. So it's super emotional. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: It's emotional. physically taxing, but it's very emotionally taxing because you start to open up the photo albums or that one drawer that you didn't know that mom stashed all the little things that you made as a kid or whatever it is or the pictures when they were younger. And you get stuck in looking at all this stuff. ⁓ I'm not saying that's bad thing. I'm just saying it's a thing. It's a process. Julie Cook: Yes. Yep. And I think that's part of the process. Yeah, and I think that's therapeutic if you're in a situation where there's big changes for your loved ones and it's therapeutic to stop for a minute and look through those pictures and laugh and cry and enjoy all of that. That's part of the process and it's important to take the time to do that instead of just rush, rush, rush, we gotta get this done. So I think that's the first step is to know this is exhausting. Nikki Flynn: Okay. Julie Cook: maybe plan to do, we're gonna hit it for a couple of hours and then we're gonna go get lunch and then just take a break for a minute to pace yourself through the process. ⁓ The other thing that I would recommend from my perspective is to start with the low emotional items. Start in the bathroom, start in the garage. Don't start at the family photos. Don't start there. ⁓ know, pace yourself, build up to that and then... Nikki Flynn: you Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: ⁓ right. Julie Cook: Know that it's gonna be emotional and if your parent is up to it, involve them in it because this is their belonging. Sometimes it may be too much for them, but be sensitive to including them in the process. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Nikki, you did this not too long. I mean, I'm not sure exactly how long ago it was, but you personally did it. Oh, it was three years ago. Nikki Flynn: Three years ago. Yeah Yeah, three years ago when I was cleaning out my dad's house after he passed so that that was a little rough ⁓ only because it's I think it's like you go through the grieving process as you're going through those things so like Julie said it's kind of hard to not see those photos and like have that emotional toll or look at stuff that You have, like I found a letter that I wrote to him like many, many, years ago. I think I was like 18 years old and the fact that he still kept it, like it was something. you know, it plays its toll and you have to go through it. And I feel like it helps you grieve for sure, ⁓ but it's still not fun. And you, like you said, you definitely want to, you want to save that part for last. ⁓ my husband would come in the room sometimes and be like, why don't I hear you doing anything? And I'm just like sitting on the bed, like sobbing. he's like, and I'm like looking at like photos and he's like, ⁓ God, why are you doing that? Let's go. Cause you know, was a three hour drive for us too. So it was a trip every time we had to go up there. So it was like, go up there, do as much as you can, bring it back with you and then sort it. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: ⁓ no. Mm. Nikki Flynn: And then you could take your time and go through it. It's not like it has to be done right then and there. ⁓ But then you're like, ⁓ you want to save everything. And then you get home and you're like, ⁓ my god, what was I thinking? How am going to save all this? Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Well, that's true. I did kind of that thing when I was in charge of doing it for my mom's house. I really ⁓ I put things in categories, basically the the things that I knew that we didn't need anymore. Right. So some of the furniture, ⁓ was it in good enough condition to donate ⁓ or did it need to be taken away? ⁓ to the dump. know that sounds so heartless because it's somebody's personal belongings, right? But ⁓ most of the furniture we were able to either have someone pick up, there are lots of charitable ⁓ organizations that will come and get things, but they're getting more more picky. And so you think that they'll come, they'll say they're gonna, they'll ask you what they're gonna come get and they'll get there and they'll go, I'll take this, that and the other thing. And you're like, okay, but you won't take this and they won't take it. It's great shape but they don't have any customers for it like Habitat for Humanity. They have stores and they resell things and they just know when they just don't have ⁓ the need for another armoire or whatever it is or a china cabinet or whatever so they won't take that away. So then you have to make arrangements. So I dealt with the bigger things first ⁓ and clothing items and tchotchkes that did not have sentimental meaning. basically anything that didn't have sentimental meaning, basically tried to go through that at first. And then I did save the papers and the photos and all of that. I kept putting them in piles and some of that stuff and that was... but about two and a half years ago, it are in bins in my garage right now. ⁓ and my husband keeps, you know, saying, when are you going to go through that stuff? But I don't want to open it. It's like opening to go through it again. And this time I'm going to need to make, I'm never going to throw away the photos, but you know, there are things that I'm going to have to make a decision about that I couldn't make before. just eventually had to get everything out so that we could move on with the process. But it took months. It was and I also had a drive not as long as your drive But I was also kind of doing it mostly by myself So I highly recommend that people kind of organize stuff go through it ⁓ in categories, but kind of we're going to the how a little bit which is Do you hire someone to help you? Do you? Have an estate Salesperson help you that might be a good do you try and sell things on Facebook yourself? I mean, what do you guys think about that? Nikki Flynn: the above. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: you Nikki Flynn: Like that's, mean, that's because not everything is going to go to one specific place. So, and that's the part that is time consuming that people don't understand, whether it's going through things because somebody has passed away or going through things because somebody needs to downsize or is going into a facility. There's still going to be certain people that need to do certain things. And that is all tasked on the family members or the family friend. Julie Cook: Yeah. Nikki Flynn: whether they have documents or they don't have documents in place. Like there's one specific person whose shoulders get all of this responsibility placed on and they have to figure out what was meant to be important, what was meant to be passed down without any guidance, without any direction, any notes of things that they're wanting. It's very tough because you don't know what that is. And even if it's a child going through their parents' stuff, like there's some things I mean, think about it from our mid teen years until our adult years, we didn't know their every waking move. We didn't know all the things that were important to them. If there were certain memorable things, sentimental things that maybe they got from other family members, we don't know those things because we were building our life and living our life. So there's pieces where we don't know, we can't fill in that gap. So it's always going to be better for the family to be able to do it or at least give us guidance to help us. Otherwise, That's kind of what happens is the family just has to figure out what they think is important, what they think somebody wants, and kind of figure it out from there. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: I know you recommend something, Julie, to your families. And that's kind of the blue tape method or the sticky note method. Julie Cook: Yeah, absolutely. We, company in the past has helped people actually with downsizing and organizing and moving. And so that's one of the things we would do is suggest that they get just sticky notes or some blue tape and walk through the house. Ideally, ⁓ you know, with your aging parent or maybe the family does it if someone's stepping in to help sell items and say, these are the things that we want to keep or these are the things that my parent wants so that way they know what's off-limit at least gives you a starting point on where to go with all of that. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah, it's some of the stuff that's going to make you lose your mind a little bit is ⁓ the guilt that some parents will put on the children about you must keep this item. You must keep this, you know, thing that was important to them, but is not really important to you. And I struggle with that personally because, ⁓ you know, my mom liked to have what some people would consider antiques, but not collectible things really. I mean, she liked them, but some of of them were broken and you know nothing super valuable nothing came out of that house that was you know gonna be on what's that show antique roadshow nothing was going to be on antique roadshow let me make that clear so in my eyes it was just something I'm just gonna be transporting the problem to my kids in the future if I take this stuff to my house and keep it so that I don't feel guilt but I feel Julie Cook: You Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: And you know, that's what some of the Gen Xers and I'll say it because you know, lot of people aren't comfortable saying that this process can really upset them. It is emotional, but you'll go through a wide range of, know, don't guilt me. You know, mom, like don't my mom said to me, you can never ever get rid of the spinning wheel. I mean, what am I going to do with the spinning wheel? And I don't collect. I don't collect antiques. ⁓ You know, I had four kids in my house, so nothing ever stay nice for very long and you know it would get broken or whatever so you know and I feel guilt about it I have it I have it it's not it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it but you're gonna experience these things and it's okay to you're not gonna be able to get out of this without experiencing some kind of you know emotion about the whole process I I can't imagine but yes if you're able to do it or have families could do it in advance of any problems happening, know, any sickness, moving, it would make it so much easier on the people that end up doing the heavy lifting, so to speak. Julie Cook: I agree. And I think one thing, Alison, that you talked about that I want to just re-emphasize is the guilt of it. My mom passed away 25 years ago and I still vividly remember she had beautiful clothes and we didn't know what to do with them. So the right thing to do seemed like to donate them, let somebody else enjoy them. And I remember 25 years later carrying my mom's clothing to the thrift store. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: goodness. Julie Cook: putting it in the container and feeling like I've just given away, it was the guilt and the grief was horrible. And I still vividly remember that. So I think that's important to, as we talk about, you want to just be normal. And so I think it's important for people to understand this process, you're going to feel guilt, you're going to feel grief that comes in waves, even if someone hasn't passed just because a season and a chapter has passed. And so there's all these emotions that you're going to deal with. And that's Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah. Right. Julie Cook: That's okay, it's normal. And sometimes it's just nice to know even if you're doing a good thing, you're donating things, you're selling things so that the money can go to help your parents, there's still all these emotions attached to it. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: It's so true. You know, the thing for me right now and my mom is still alive. She's in an assisted living thing. But there was something that I remember growing up with and we moved around quite a bit and finally settled in Florida. But so this thing came with us and this thing was a glass bell. It was a bell. It was like rose colored. bell that and it was made out of all glass and you go ding ding ding ding ding and it wasn't tiny tiny it was you know about about this big about as big a little bigger than your hand and that was displayed everywhere and when i was like what am i going to do with this i donated it ⁓ and it haunts me and again it wasn't valuable and now i'm like i should have kept that bell but like what you know we go and i i think about that bell probably a couple times a week. Julie Cook: Isn't that crazy? But it's real. Yep. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: And if we didn't laugh about it, we would cry about it all the time. That's hard. And where would I put that bell right now? I don't have a spot for it. We don't display things in my house like my mom displayed things. You know? Nikki Flynn: They had the cherry oak, the cherry oak crab nets and yeah, curio, yeah. And then China. Yeah. Julie Cook: The curio with the glass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that only comes out once or twice a year, the China, and it's not in a China cabinet here, you know, but I just... I don't know, we all are gonna, this is why we're talking about it, because you are not alone with all of this, you know, so let's check this out. So we've done the, kind of the, ⁓ garage sales, by the way. I mean, that's another thing that you could do, and you can do that while mom and dad are still living in the house. Have them be an active participant in that, not that they have to, you know, it's hard, but they could get rid of some of the stuff that's not super meaningful. Right? Yes. Julie Cook: Yeah, those garage items, the low emotional items, the bike they haven't ridden in 10 years. Let's part ways with it. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Yes. Yeah. So the how, so picking through organizer, estate sale. Sometimes people that do those estate sales, I'm trying to find a really good contact ⁓ in the area and they're hard. It's like a house cleaner. Like you'll find a good one and then they disappear. You find a good one and they are you, do you guys find that too? I don't know what your experience has been Nikki, but I think Julie had that experience. Nikki Flynn: ⁓ I've dealt with the consignment stores, ⁓ but I haven't had any like the estate people. I know they like people just have a state sales and they put it in the newspaper and stuff like that. But I haven't had any encounters with like estate people who specifically handle that. Yeah. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Mmm. Right. I can't track them down. I mean. Julie Cook: I have had contact with some people who that's their specialty is to help with estate sales. And so I can get that information. We can put it in the comments for the people in the greater Tampa area. ⁓ And that's great resource. Again, the brunt of this falls to the family and to the close friends. But if you're just exhausted, you're running out of time and you say, okay, I'm keeping this, this and this, everything else, please sell for me. You know, it takes some pressure off. Allison Newlon, Greater Tampa: Right. That's perfect. Yeah. Well, so we did the win, which is how fast mom and dad move. ⁓ Sadly, if somebody has passed away, the what, what are we keeping donate cell sort, picking through all this stuff. Okay, so now we get into the who we kind of touched on the who a little bit. We touched on the who a little bit by, you know, saying some family, some friends, but the the who is really something we're going to talk about in the next time that we ⁓ get together and talk because ⁓ my gosh you can be an only child and do it like myself or you can have several brothers and sisters and everybody helps out all at the same time and everybody's gets along really well or you can have ⁓ someone wants ⁓ you know nothing to do with the entire process so we want to talk about the who and the dynamics about that next time ⁓ that we get ⁓ in the meantime look for us on ⁓ all of the places where you would find your podcast, Spotify, ⁓ Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, and we of course are on our YouTube channel, Aging Parent Trap X. ⁓