Latest / Dear Chelsea / Minisode: Bad Parenting with Chelsea + Catherine

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Minisode: Bad Parenting with Chelsea + Catherine · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, guys, here are my dates for the High and
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Mighty Tour. In September, I will be in New York City, Philly,
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: and New Haven, Connecticut. October is Atlanta, Baltimore, Saginaw, Michigan, Pittsburgh, Toronto, Boise, Idaho,
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: and Spokane. And then in November, I'll be in San Francisco.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I'm coming to Salt Lake City, Austin, Houston, Dallas, babies.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: I'll be there. And then in December, I am closing
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: out my tour in Denver and Vancouver. So get your
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: tickets at chelseahandler.com. For the High and Mighty Tour.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Hi, Katherine.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: Hi, Chelsea.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Hi.
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: Are you ready for our mini-sode today?
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: I am ready for our mini-sode. Estoy lista para nuestra mini-sode.
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: Very nice. Well, I have an update from Jeannie, who
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: had called in on our Adam Scott episode, and her
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: mom had, like, gone full MAGA, and she was wondering
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: whether to unbreak up with her mom.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: And what did we tell her? We told her, yes.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Break up with her.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: No.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: No, we said, it's okay.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: Reach out.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Oh, she's mental illness, I said, right?
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes. You said she's mentally ill.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Consider it to be a mental illness.
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: So she, Jeannie says, hi there. I wanted to let
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: you know that I followed Chelsea's advice to a T
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: two days after we recorded the podcast. My mom was
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: eager to put the past behind us. She immediately shared
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: stories of what's been going on with her as if
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: nothing had happened. My peace has been restored, which is
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: what I wanted. We don't talk or text as much
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: as we used to, but I can live with that.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: I have no plans on buying a plane ticket to
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: visit her and my stepfather because part of me still
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: feels disgusted with both of them. I've tried to reframe
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: my view of her as being ill as Chelsea advised,
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: but it is hard. Since the podcast aired, a couple
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: of friends have reached out and shared that they struggled
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: with their MAGA family as well, and your advice really
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: helped them. All this is to say people are incredibly complicated.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: We can all be good and bad, kind and callous,
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: wise and naive. I may never be able to square
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: the contradiction that is my mother, but at least I
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: can continue to have her in my life. She is
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: still teaching me lessons whether she intended to or not.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: There you go.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: That's a good outlook.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: I think so too. Well, are we ready for Sydney?
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: We have a theme of like some parents behaving badly
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: in this episode.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: So Sydney says, Hi, Chelsea. My name is Sydney. I'm
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: a longtime listener and fan. Well, the time has come,
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: and I need some advice. To make a long story short,
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: I went no contact with my absent dad about six
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: months ago. I've been ignoring calls and texts, and honestly,
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: it's been a relief not having him in my life,
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: on my terms. My sister is 11 years younger than
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: I am, and she loves our dad because he actually
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: was one to her. I know it bothers her that
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: we don't get along, but I really try not to
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: involve her in our shit. Nonetheless, my shitty dad, who
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: lives in Florida, by the way, decided to disregard my
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: boundaries and show up, unannounced, to my house in California
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: because he knew I wouldn't answer the phone. Turns out
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: my sister knew about his plan and didn't think to
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: warn me. She claimed she didn't want to get involved
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: or choose sides, yet she told my dad what my
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: work schedule was so that he could plan his trip
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: for when I'm off. Do I have a right to
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: be royally pissed with her? I'd love some insight. Have
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: a great day, Sydney.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Hi, Sydney.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: How are you? Good. How are you guys?
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Good. You know, it's interesting hearing your letter. Like, I
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: think there's a difference. There's two different kinds of people,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: possibly more. Some people are sentimentally attached to relationships with
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: their family for a variety of reasons. I mean, it
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: sounds like your sister had a more present dad, but
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: also like I'm in a situation with my family where
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not really speaking to my brother and his wife
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: and that side of the family and their kids, just
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: because I just don't like some of their views. And
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: And I don't really want to infect my brain with
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: it in this time. And everyone kind of agrees, but
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: no one would cut off. You know, they're like, they'll
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: still interact and they just ignore that part of them.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: But I don't have any sentimentality about it. Like I'm
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: not up at night thinking about it. It's just easier
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: for me not to have it. So I can relate
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: to what you're saying a lot. And I also understand
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: what you're saying about your sister. It's kind of like
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: the letter you just read from someone else who didn't
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: want to cut off their mom and their mom had
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: become MAGA. And like, they were really, you know, uh,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: kind of torn because they wanted their mother in their life.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: But every time they were, you know, they get into
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: the political stuff, it was just ugly. So it's like, I'm,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: I have a very, no frills attitude about it. I
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: don't get emotionally attached to that kind of stuff for
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: some reason, or maybe I'm missing some sort of emotional
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: DNA or But I definitely think that your sister needs
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: to understand, have a better understanding of like what your
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: boundaries are. You know, like, I don't think it's cool
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: that she did that. She didn't do it to be malicious,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: but she needs to not, she needs to understand where
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: you're coming from and why it's a boundary that's crossed.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: So have you had any conversations like that with her?
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: So she, she's 11 years younger than I am. So
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: for her college spring break, she came out here and
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: It was like right after I had done the no
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: contact thing with him and she and I went to
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: lunch by ourselves and we had a whole discussion about,
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: cause she didn't know a lot of my childhood cause
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: they don't talk about it. And I never wanted to
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: put that on her cause she was a kid. So
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: I opened it up to her and I told her
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: a lot of really heavy things and she was like,
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: that's crazy. Okay. And totally understood why I cut him
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: off and why I didn't want to have a relationship
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: with them anymore because But then I found out that
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: she knew that he was planning to come while we
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: were having that discussion. And she didn't think to go like, hey, well,
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: just heads up. He might be coming. Right.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Have you talked to her about it again after?
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: No. So it's been a little over a month. When
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: it happened, she was working as a little camp counselor
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: at a Jewish camp. So I didn't want to bother
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: her while she was like fully immersed in her camp.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: And so I thought maybe she would reach out because
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: I wasn't ready to. And now it's been over a
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: month and we just haven't spoken. And she's very avoidant.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: So unless I reach out, we're not going to. And
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I am ready because I'm going
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: to hurt her feelings.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: Well, it's not about hurting her feelings. It's about setting
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: up boundaries for yourself, which is going to be a
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: lesson and modeling for her also. Since she is 11
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: years younger, like it's if you're like you're enabling that
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: behavior by not saying anything. Do you know what I mean?
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Because if you don't say anything and then she does
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: it again, then you only have yourself to blame.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: Right. Yeah.
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: I think you got to go like full big sister
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: mode on this and like handle this from your wisest self.
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: And remember that like she's what, 20, what, 20, 21?
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: 20. Yeah.
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: So like she's a baby. The main thing she knows
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: about social interaction is like high school stuff, is like
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: early college stuff. So I think this is something we
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: really have to take her hand and be like, I'm
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: setting a boundary with dad. That doesn't mean that you
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: have to, but like I need you to respect my boundaries.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: And I think it's less about like hurting her feelings
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: as just like really going big, like wiser, older sister
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: with her and just having a really serious discussion, but
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: like telling her you love her, you understand why she,
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: you know, maybe tried to help dad get to you,
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: but you know, that can't happen moving forward.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: How was it with your dad when you, he did come?
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: It was rough, Chelsea. Let me tell you. He's a very,
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: I had very narcissistic tendencies. So everything, there was no
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: accountability ever. He was like, yeah, we can talk about
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: all the things that you don't like about me, but
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: anytime I would bring something up, it's someone else's fault.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: So he blamed my mom heavily on so many things,
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: blamed medical issues, blamed the economy, blamed everything but himself.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Not the economy. My behavior is a result of the economy.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh, the good old recess, you know, that got
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: him and he couldn't parent anymore. So, yeah, so it
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: just it it was it was rough. And then he
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: wouldn't leave, too, because I didn't let him in because
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: my mom was like, let him in. And I regret
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: it because he wouldn't leave. And I had my baby
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: and I was like, dude, I got to put my
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: baby for a nap. And he's like, no worries. I'll
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: go to the garage and smoke some weed. I'll, you know, I'll,
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: I'll get out of your hair and I'm like, no,
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: I need you to like leave. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: Like you came uninvited.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Just have a gentle, loving conversation with your sister and just,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: you know, if she's avoidant, this is a good opportunity
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: or a good learning. Like you can show her how
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: it's done. Don't be avoidant because she's avoidant.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm, I think I'm, I'm getting to
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: the point where I'm ready. It's just, I knew that
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: if I had done a conversation sooner, I would have,
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: I would have hurt her feelings. Totally. Totally. I was
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: too heated.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: No, I think you bring up a good point because
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: I feel like we've talked a little bit about this
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: on the show. This is something I'm learning in my life,
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: but just like when something makes you feel hot, when
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: you're upset about something, like just taking some time. And
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: even if that time is like a month that you
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: need to just like think about it and mull it
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: over and like let the, you know, the hotness dissipate.
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: I think that's the best decision. Yeah.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Cause this is like 20 years of, of background shit
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: with my dad. So, It's, yeah, it's pent up. Yeah.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: It's pent up. And she knew about it. That's why
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: it hurt. Yeah.
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: And bottom line, your dad is the one who broke
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: the boundary. Like, you're really angry with him and not
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: with her. So, yeah, I think you just got to be,
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: like Chelsea said, really gentle.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you guys so much. All right.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Well, thanks for calling in and thanks for being so thoughtful.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: Okay. Well, thank you guys. I appreciate your help. Okay.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Take care.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: Well, we'll wrap up with a shorty here. Jeffrey is
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: writing in. Jeffrey says, I'm a guy in my mid
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: thirties and I've always had a difficult relationship with my mom.
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: A few times a month, I vent in the six
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: sibling group chat and completely roast her. I call out
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: all her flaws. I don't hold back. It's not always nice,
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: but I never lie. Is the mom on the group chat?
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: No, no, no.
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: This is just siblings.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: For added context, she's in her mid-50s and was the
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: other woman when he left his wife and their seven
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: kids for her. There's a lot of buried anger and
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: unresolved trauma. So here's my question. Should I stop doing this?
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: Am I being too mean or bitter? Am I holding
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: on to something I should just let go of? Or
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: is this a justified outlet for a long-standing pain? Thanks
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: for your honesty. I know you'll set me straight, Jeffrey.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: I think airing your frustration and anger or, you know,
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: however you want to frame it is good to do
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: with a therapist or a professional. I think putting it
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: in a thread and writing it down gives it more
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: power somehow than actually talking through it with someone who
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: is not part of your family. Like, I just think
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: the bitching leads to bitching, begets more bitching. And then
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: you just become, even if it's just a burst, it's
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: just a negative thought pattern that you, and writing it
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: down is just, it's like doubling down. So I understand
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: your frustration, your anger, all of those things, but I
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: don't think that's the right outlet for it. And it's
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: kind of like, yeah, you don't like, unless you have,
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: it's kind of the perfect thing, I think, of texting
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: as if you don't have anything nice to say, don't
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: say it and certainly don't put it in writing. Also,
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: everything that you're putting in writing is... stored somewhere so
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: think of it that way like it's just not worth
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: it in this day and age to be putting that
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: kind of stuff down.
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: And also just like for your own mental health it
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: does you know it does become a sort of circulating
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: cesspool of like negativity when you're constantly thinking like what
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: other nasty thing can I say I think yeah I
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: think this is a job for a therapist go talk
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: to somebody about it like vent it out and like
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: maybe just yeah maybe not in the group chat.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah All right. All right.
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: Well, thanks, Jeffrey. Case closed. Yeah, case closed.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: See you next week. Okay, bye.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: If you want advice from Chelsea, write in to DearChelseaPodcast
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: at gmail.com. Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartMedia. Follow
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: Chelsea on all socials at Chelsea Handler and find Catherine
• 12:18
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• 12:22
  Speaker 3: by Brandon Dickert, executive producer Catherine Law. Find full video
• 12:26
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• 12:29
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