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EP.89: The Mask of Success Is Exhausting. I Took It Off | The Ambitious Podcast · Ambitious Podcast

0:00
I think a lot of us don't necessarily talk about openly or
0:03
freely what is success. Success, As soon as I could
0:07
touch, it, moved again. I think the reason that I really
0:10
lost my way a lot is because I didn't really have a definition
0:15
of who I was. Whoa, like, this is not me.
0:19
I had to wear a costume of someone else's success for a
0:22
very long time until I realized that I really have a different
0:25
definition. If you weren't on social media,
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how would you know you were successful?
0:30
Hello and welcome back to the Ambitious Podcast.
0:33
I am so excited to have you here today.
0:35
We are doing what was actually something really well received
0:39
and that you really enjoyed, which was our Unfiltered
0:41
episode. And this basically means that I
0:43
am coming in with basically no notes.
0:46
And if I do have any notes, they were created 20 seconds before I
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pressed record. I am going to be talking freely
0:52
today about something that I just, I was sitting there
0:56
thinking about what I wanted to discuss and I have all these
0:59
different things that I want to teach you strategically.
1:01
So we are never going to completely remove that.
1:03
We're always going to have incredible guests on.
1:05
We're always going to be teaching you strategy.
1:07
But there's also this underbelly of what all of us are going for,
1:11
which is we all want to be successful.
1:13
We all want to feel like we are scaling and we're achieving and
1:17
we're, you know, creating all these outcomes that are quote,
1:20
UN quote our dreams or vision. But I think a lot of us don't
1:24
necessarily talk about openly or freely what is success and what
1:29
does that look like? And what if our success and our
1:33
definition looks very different than the girl next to us or the
1:36
girl beside her? And when I started to think
1:38
about, you know, my vision for our business and our success, it
1:43
became very apparent to me that I maybe don't have the same
1:48
success idea as the person next to me.
1:51
Maybe I don't have the same vision as the next person.
1:55
And this was something that I learned kind of a hard way in my
2:00
business, to be honest, because I think for me, my version of
2:03
success, I felt a lot of shame around.
2:07
And I wanted to talk about this today because while I am now
2:10
seven years into my business, I will say that probably to some
2:15
of you, based off what I'm going to share today, this might be
2:18
the first time that technically you consider me successful.
2:23
And I want to unpack why that is because what we're going to dive
2:27
into today is really understanding what is success?
2:31
How do you know that you're successful?
2:33
How do you know that you've achieved?
2:35
How do you know that you've done the thing?
2:37
And also do you actually understand what success means to
2:40
you? Do you actually understand what
2:43
it looks like to make progress toward it?
2:45
And do you have a version of success that's yours, or is this
2:49
something that maybe somebody has given to you or that you've
2:52
adopted? I often say a lot of what we
3:04
live and breathe and who we are, there's two ways we become that,
3:07
which is what is caught and what is taught.
3:10
And I think a lot of our definition of success is caught
3:14
and taught. And so I want to unpack this a
3:16
little bit deeper, but I want to 1st rewind because I think to
3:20
the, you know, sentiment that we do have a lot of our beliefs
3:23
around success caught and taught.
3:26
The first place that we ever get that is our upbringing, which is
3:29
when our parents tell us what it means to be successful.
3:33
And so I remember growing up, and again, this was not
3:36
necessarily like my mom would sit me down or my dad would sit
3:38
me down and say, you know, this is what it means when you're
3:41
successful. But they're in the little
3:43
moments, right? They're in the little moments
3:45
where you try to make a decision off the path of what they saw
3:47
for you. They're in the little moments
3:49
where you know, you have this big idea, but they had a whole
3:52
other idea for your future. It's in those little
3:55
conversations. And very slowly you start to
3:57
pick up all these little pieces of the puzzle that really become
4:00
the picture of what your parents told you was the quote UN quote
4:04
right way. And it's different household to
4:07
household. It's also different culture to
4:08
culture. But for me, I remember growing
4:12
up that I was, you know, kind of given this like 5 step plan of
4:16
success, which is that you go to school, you get a good
4:20
education, you get like a very standard quote, UN quote safe
4:24
job, which was, you know, lawyer, doctor, teacher, you
4:27
know, anything that basically paid a good income that was also
4:30
safe in the sense of that it was always going to be needed.
4:34
We weren't necessarily always, you know, encouraged to go
4:37
become an artist or go become, you know, a musician or anything
4:41
that was considered a typical or not.
4:45
Yeah, I would say these classic 5 careers.
4:48
And so because we had this big narrative around school, I
4:51
always determined my success to be how good I can do in school
4:54
because if I do well in school, I'll go to university or college
4:57
and then from there I'll get a great paying job.
4:59
And that's great. From there, it then went into,
5:03
you know, to have a really solid partner and to have a really
5:06
solid marriage and to make sure that you picked somebody as your
5:11
life partner who was really stable and solid and and
5:14
somebody that you could really grow a life with to then
5:18
hopefully together have children and, you know, basically have
5:22
this classic, you know, white picket fence, dog in the front
5:26
yard, kids, husband, career boom done.
5:31
And growing up, you don't question a lot of that, right?
5:36
Like we always just assume that whatever our parents are telling
5:39
us is the way a lot of the time when we're younger, we just
5:42
adopt that as our version of success.
5:45
And I think truthfully, until I got into entrepreneurship, I
5:48
don't even know what I wanted. I didn't have any of my own
5:50
ideas around success. And so most of what I put my
5:55
energy into was this idea of money, like if I had money, all
5:59
the, those things could happen. If I had money, I could buy the
6:02
big house. If I had money, it meant that I
6:04
probably had that job. If I had money, I would have the
6:07
nice car. And it's so interesting because
6:12
a lot of it was very just these check boxes.
6:15
There was no, no depth in them. There was no route to them.
6:19
They were just check boxes. And so then, you know, when I
6:23
started in entrepreneurship, that really became the moment
6:27
where my brain started to get broken open to think about what
6:31
would my life look like if I built it.
6:34
And I never had that belief until that point.
6:37
I never believed that I could create this life and draw it for
6:41
myself. I always had this idea that
6:44
there was certain things based off of where I was raised or
6:47
where I lived or what career or, you know, education I had.
6:51
There were only a certain level of opportunities presented to
6:54
me. And so I kind of had to, you
6:55
know, leverage those to get the best life that I could.
6:59
And I think in entrepreneurship, we're all like insanely addicted
7:03
to personal development. We're never finished.
7:05
We're never finished. We're constantly open projects
7:07
and I think that it's beautiful because obviously it means we're
7:10
constantly in development. But I think that other thing
7:13
that it taught me is like this life is something that I can
7:16
really just draw and, and almost like, you know, with think about
7:21
it almost like a play DoH, like you can have us in front of you
7:24
and you can just build and, and pack it in any way that you want
7:27
to. And when I got into
7:29
entrepreneurship, that was like so exciting because I got to
7:32
define what success was. So just like anybody else who
7:36
starts an online business, especially where did I go?
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I went to the Internet. Well, that was the biggest
7:41
mistake ever because when I started the business, you know,
7:45
here I am server Kate and I, I really want to have this, this
7:49
online business. And so I go online and I start
7:51
to market, I start to create the Instagram, I start to create the
7:54
offer. And then you see, you know, Tom
7:57
and Sally everywhere with their messaging of like hit a 10K
8:01
month, hit a 10K month. And so I was like, whoa, OK, hit
8:04
a 10K month, got it. And so I kind of again, caught
8:07
versus taught. I was taught that my first goal
8:10
was to hit a 10K month. And then I was like, OK, great,
8:14
I'm going to do that. And then, you know, the next
8:16
thing became, well, you know, people back then this kind of
8:20
showing how this has been seven years ago, people back then were
8:23
buying followers and people were like, oh, it's all about your
8:26
following. You have to have a big following
8:28
to be taken seriously. So I thought, OK, great, I got
8:30
to get this big following because that means I will be
8:33
successful. And so I'm going for the 10K
8:35
month, I'm going for the followers, I'm going for even
8:39
more polished branding. So this is also years ago, you
8:43
know, your feet aesthetic was everything and it was something
8:46
that really, you know, determine people's, I would say level of
8:50
respect basically towards your brand.
8:52
Back then it played more of a role than it does now.
8:55
And so I remember doing photo shoots and trying to like, be
8:58
like, OK, like that is going to help me to look more successful.
9:02
And so not conscious of it at the time, this was not something
9:05
that I was aware of. It's something I'm aware of now,
9:07
but it's not something I was aware of then.
9:09
I remember just like playing this game and it was like, I
9:12
went for a 10K month, but that wasn't enough because then the
9:15
Internet told me I needed A20K month.
9:17
And then that wasn't enough because then I needed a 30K
9:19
month. And then that wasn't enough.
9:20
And that was 50. And then it was 70.
9:22
And then it was, you know, on and on.
9:23
And it felt like this constant rat race.
9:27
And it felt like success. As soon as I could touch, it
9:31
moved again. And it was like this frustrating
9:34
feeling of like I just had to keep going.
9:36
And all the while I remember, you know, I'm a full open book.
9:40
So I'm fully able to admit this. I remember when I started my
9:43
business, you know, when I was talking about aesthetic and the,
9:46
the significance of aesthetic for some people.
9:49
I remember that, you know, I would have these photo shoots
9:53
and I wanted to create this luxe brand because I didn't feel, you
9:59
know, if we're going to be really honest and transparent
10:01
about it, I felt like I had to play a part to be successful.
10:03
I felt like I'd show up a certain way for people to trust
10:06
me and for people to take me seriously.
10:09
And it was really at that moment that I remember there was a time
10:16
when I went and I bought a used Louis Vuitton bag.
10:22
And I remember if you go way back, like we're talking like
10:25
the first, second year of business, way, way back, I had
10:28
all of this Louis Vuitton bag in so many of my photos.
10:33
And it's so sad now because I realize how much of that is, you
10:37
know, just me begging to be validated or begging to be seen
10:42
or begging to be, you know, respected and feeling like if I
10:48
just have this thing, I would be able to be that thing that
10:51
people want me to be. But obviously, Louis Vuitton
10:54
bags are expensive. And so back in the day, I
10:56
couldn't afford to buy a Louis Vuitton bag when I first
10:59
started. And even if I could, I don't
11:02
think that I would because it's just not something for me
11:04
personally, like individually to me that I value.
11:07
And so I remember I went on Facebook marketplace and I went
11:13
and I picked up this Louis Vuitton at someone's house.
11:16
And I remember feeling so like such a weird feeling because
11:21
while so much of other people with labels and whatever had
11:26
deemed this to like be successful, I also the entire
11:29
time, every time I would carry that bag, I would think I'm such
11:31
a fraud. I'm such a fraud because I don't
11:34
even know how to tell if this bag is real.
11:36
Like for all I know it's a knock off, which it wasn't in the end,
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but for all I know it was a knock off.
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And I don't know how to tell if it's real.
11:42
What if someone finds out that I didn't buy it?
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Like I just, I didn't even feel like it was mine.
11:46
It felt like this weird thing that I carried to just look
11:49
better or feel better about where I was.
11:53
And it was in all my photo shoots.
11:55
It was in everything. And I remember my partner at the
11:57
time, he was so great to me in this moment in time when I was
12:02
really again, wanting to show up a certain way.
12:05
I remember he showed up at my house and he had bought me
12:09
Louboutins, which are like the red bottom shoes.
12:12
And again, like these are like $1200 pairs of shoes that he
12:15
bought me. And I remember at the time
12:17
thinking, whoa, because that was just so much money and, you
12:23
know, was something that I thought, again, would be like,
12:28
wow, now that I have these shoes in my photos, people will be
12:31
like, well, she can afford those kinds of shoes, then she can
12:33
whatever. And so it was like all these
12:36
like little moments that would start to come to awareness.
12:39
And I had so many of those little moments along the way.
12:42
I remember another moment where I had a photo shoot and it was a
12:45
photographer I was working with for the first time.
12:47
And I was a very, again, luxe brand.
12:51
And with this, I remember they said, you know, I have some
12:54
outfits that I've pulled for you And I was like amazing.
12:57
And they sent it to me. And I remember one of the
12:58
Blazers was like $3000. And I was like, I've never
13:05
bought a $3000 blazer in my life.
13:07
And I don't think there's there's nothing wrong with that.
13:09
I want to say that there's nothing wrong with that.
13:10
It was just for me at the time, I was like, this is not like it
13:14
was so confronting. It was like, this is not me.
13:17
Like this is just not me. And it's not to say it's right
13:20
or wrong. It's just not me.
13:21
And I, I realized at that moment I was like, what the hell is
13:26
success to me, 'cause this is getting so out there.
13:30
And it was so Instagram, and it was so people telling you which
13:34
money to make and people telling you how to look and people
13:36
telling you how to show up and people telling you what it meant
13:38
to be a polished brand and all these things.
13:42
And I have so many of these moments in my business where I
13:45
think I I just especially at the beginning, was trying so hard to
13:51
be liked, so hard to be successful, so hard to be
13:54
perceived as successful. And then I hit 7 figures.
14:00
And that was when seemingly, you would think, you know, when
14:05
we're thinking about these income things, you know, every
14:07
single business that I know is constantly throwing out this
14:09
label of seven figures, 7 figures.
14:10
And when I hit it, I thought, this is it, this is it.
14:13
Like this is the, the, the number one thing that I've been
14:17
working toward. And then I hit 7 figures and I
14:19
realized very quickly, I was like, this doesn't feel the way
14:22
that I would, you know, want it to feel.
14:27
And so I remember, you know, 7 figures meant that we had done 7
14:31
figures in revenue. And I just sat there and I
14:36
thought, I'm here in my like Old Navy pyjamas, OK, on the couch
14:45
in my apartment that I'm renting.
14:48
And I remember thinking, I have a Louis Vuitton and I have these
14:52
Louis Vuitton shoes that sit in a box in my closet.
14:56
And there's that me. And then there's the me here in
15:00
my Old Navy pyjamas on the couch.
15:02
And I thought, who am I? Because I didn't know I had this
15:09
like identity crisis. I'm like, I've hit seven
15:10
figures. That's amazing.
15:13
But this doesn't feel like the way that the Internet told me it
15:15
would feel. I thought I'd be on yachts.
15:17
I thought I would be, I'd be living a very different life,
15:21
you know? And so I had this whole
15:24
Instagram BS perception of success.
15:29
And then there I was. And so I remember in that moment
15:32
thinking maybe I'm playing the wrong game.
15:37
Maybe what I thought success is, is not what it is.
15:43
And I think that in order to challenge success and what that
15:50
means for you, the only way to really do that is to be really
15:55
confident in who you are and really confident in your vision
15:58
for your life. And I think the reason that I
16:02
really lost my way a lot is because I didn't really have a
16:08
definition of who I was. I was very lost in who I was,
16:11
frankly, if I'm going to be honest, until like a year and a
16:14
half ago. I don't think I really knew who
16:15
I was until basically a year and a half ago.
16:19
And it's sad because obviously I'm now 33.
16:24
And so it took a little long. I was a little bit of a slow
16:25
learner, but I, I think that that came through these little
16:29
invitations and these little invitations presented themselves
16:33
and I got to say like, what is the game that I'm playing?
16:35
And initially it was this game of my parents told me this is
16:39
successful. So that's who I'm going to be.
16:41
Then the next game was like the, you know, Internet told me that
16:45
this is my version of success. So that's who I'm going to be.
16:48
And then you hit that success and, you know, you have the big
16:52
seven figures that they all want to prioritize.
16:55
And you sit there and you don't feel what you think you're going
16:58
to feel. And I know that that's maybe
17:00
easy for me to say. And you might be listening to
17:02
this and say, well, Kate, if I had 7 figures, I would feel the
17:04
way I want to feel. Maybe, maybe not.
17:08
Maybe you are putting all of your identity into this number
17:12
when that number doesn't mean anything to you.
17:14
Maybe it's not about 7 figures, but it's about putting a pool in
17:17
the backyard for your kids. Maybe it's not about 7 figures,
17:20
but it's about, you know, writing a book that can impact
17:23
hundreds of thousands of people. Maybe it's not about 7 figures,
17:27
but it's about, you know, being able to give a scholarship to
17:31
somebody twice a year or start a charity, right?
17:34
Like, maybe it's just not about the seven figures.
17:37
And I think for me, it took me hitting that number for it to
17:41
break me open to be like, this is not what I thought it would
17:44
be. And I need something else to
17:46
grasp onto because this is not it.
17:50
And so I have this moment on the couch when I hit 7 figures.
17:55
And then I remember think, OK, well, it's not more money
17:59
because I'm making money and that's not making me feel
18:01
better, so let's keep going. And So what I did was I remember
18:06
saying to my partner at the time, I was like, I want to
18:08
upgrade our living situation, like I want to live in a better
18:10
place. I want to live in an, in a nicer
18:13
spot. And so we moved and we moved
18:16
into another rental. And you know, with this, it was
18:20
much nicer than the one that we had been in, which was OK,
18:22
great. Like we felt like we were making
18:24
it. We felt like we were making
18:25
progress. And I remember, you know, that
18:29
it was about, OK, well, we're going to start taking trips or
18:32
we're going to, you know, try to travel more or just like
18:36
reinvest back into the business. Like there was just always this
18:39
what's next? And I think at that moment, the
18:44
what's next for me was the fact that I want to live in a nicer
18:47
spot. And I really wanted to, you
18:49
know, kind of start my life as this next phase.
18:52
But again, all the while I remember I was in this rental
18:58
and I had, you know, wanted to take on even higher clientele.
19:03
And I remember being like, I want to redo this whole office
19:06
and like redesign it basically to make it feel even more lux
19:11
for, you know, the experience of where I want to film content.
19:14
And so much of what I'm describing to you, you're
19:16
probably going to see is this aspect of image.
19:20
And I truthfully, if I'm going to be really direct, I got
19:24
really lost because there's a lot of noise.
19:28
There's a lot of noise. And This is why I want to talk
19:30
about it because I think so many of us go through this and we
19:32
think, you know, we're alone in it.
19:35
Like we feel like we're alone in wanting the number.
19:37
We're alone and feeling like our house is not pretty enough or I
19:41
don't have the clothes that those girls wear.
19:42
I don't go the trips that those girls go on.
19:45
And I really got sucked into this massive success, not even
19:50
success comparison because I didn't care what other people
19:52
were doing in the sense of what they'd achieved, but I always
19:55
saw what other people had. And I thought, I want that.
19:57
Like I just, I didn't feel less than.
20:01
I just thought like, I, I want to do that.
20:02
I want to do that. And I have like all these like
20:04
dopamine spikes of all these ideas of what I wanted.
20:07
And then it was truly only about a year and a half ago that I
20:12
realized and really took inventory of, you know, mistakes
20:15
I made along the way, but also with that lessons that I
20:17
learned. And what I will tell you is that
20:20
I think the entire time. I have always come from this
20:24
belief of just success for me was always about people and it
20:28
was always about impact. And even though I lost my way,
20:32
there was always that through line that I was focusing on
20:34
people and impact. And what I meant by that is over
20:38
the many years I've done scholarships for clients over
20:41
many years, I have, you know, put team before myself.
20:45
Like in the sense of the fact that I, I always want to make
20:47
sure that like they're good in the sense of, you know,
20:49
financially that they're good, emotionally they're good.
20:51
Like just want to make sure they're always good.
20:53
And I also really thought about what my money would do for other
20:57
people. So like if there was a situation
20:59
where I could help somebody out financially, I was the first to
21:01
throw down a couple $1000 to help someone or something around
21:05
me. And when those moments happen, I
21:07
didn't realize it until afterwards, but I was like,
21:10
that's really where I felt the most alive.
21:12
That was really where I felt the most motivated.
21:14
That was really where I felt the most like charged around, like
21:18
go like just go handle this. It's when I could, I could have
21:21
experiences of the impact of income, not income alone.
21:28
And I think it was when income was put into something that had
21:31
no impact. It felt flat for me.
21:34
So that's why even though I had the shoes and I had the bag and
21:38
I had like, you know, the office or whatever, and I spent money
21:42
on all these superficial, to me, superficial, superficial surface
21:47
level things. I didn't feel any fulfillment
21:50
from it because that bag sat in my closet and those shoes sat in
21:53
a box and that office when I closed the door at night.
21:56
Nobody else was impacted by the design of those walls.
22:00
And it took me a long time to really figure out what success
22:06
meant for me. And finally, I know what that
22:09
is, but I think it's something I want to give your permission
22:13
slip that if you were at this point where you're trying to
22:16
figure out what is success for me, you're trying to figure out
22:20
what does that mean? I also want to just give you
22:24
some grace that like, it might take you messing up a couple
22:28
times. It might take you investing in
22:30
something that you don't actually care about.
22:31
It might take you, you know, spending on something that you
22:34
thought would make you feel better, but it doesn't.
22:36
And I had to go through those experiences as well because I
22:39
thought it was me. But it's only once I tuned into
22:41
the true feeling it gave me and the fulfillment it gave me, or
22:44
the lack of that I really started to have some awareness
22:47
of like, OK, whoa, this is not me.
22:50
This is not actually what I believe to be successful.
22:54
And truthfully, when I started to unpack it, I realized I
22:57
didn't feel confident in my version of success because the
23:02
Internet told me that it wasn't enough.
23:05
And I've now since then, now I've healed that I don't care
23:10
anymore. I don't care anymore.
23:12
I literally could care less. And I'm going to give you some
23:15
examples. So when someone sees A7 figure
23:19
coach, OK, they think you know labels.
23:24
They think fancy car, they think big lavish trips.
23:28
They think massive monster home. They think you know me on a
23:33
beach in Italy with the apparel spritz and the notifications
23:35
coming in. And listen, it's not that I
23:38
don't want anything to do with that life.
23:40
I'm fully accepting. If the world somehow blesses you
23:44
know me and gives me that opportunity, sure.
23:47
But it wouldn't be something that I would push for for
23:50
myself. And that's because truthfully, I
23:54
barely drive. I have no responsibility getting
23:57
a fancy car. Like I drive currently today,
24:01
the same Acura ILX that I had when I started my business.
24:06
And like, I don't care. Like I don't need to have a
24:10
Lamborghini for me to be legit, you know?
24:14
So for me, I realized I was like, I would see all these
24:18
girls on Instagram being like, got my dream car, got my dream
24:21
car. When I sat there and I thought
24:23
to myself, I was like, my car is perfectly fine.
24:26
I love my little car, my little Kathy, I love my little car and
24:31
she's perfectly fine. Like why would I get a new car?
24:34
I don't need a new car right now.
24:35
So like yes, when I have a family and I need to put
24:38
multiple car seats in the back, I will be getting a new car.
24:41
But for me in this moment, I just thought, I don't feel the
24:44
pull to do that. So why do I feel pressured to do
24:46
that? I also had this when, you know,
24:49
people would show crazy labels and like clothing halls and all
24:53
these things and I thought I am a Zara girl.
24:56
OK, Like I if Zara doesn't promote me soon, I'm going to be
24:59
pissed. But like Zara, I live in, I live
25:02
in like Old Navy and Zara and like these like the Gap, like
25:07
I'm just like, I love these like OG stores and I'm not that even
25:11
close to that fancy where I need that and I don't value it.
25:15
That's the thing. I don't value it.
25:17
For me personally, I have best friends who value that stuff.
25:20
There's nothing wrong with it. It's just a different bucket in
25:24
what they value and we respect that about each other.
25:28
I don't value it. So like they all joke.
25:30
Like let me guess, it's from Zara.
25:32
And I'm like, yeah, Because like I love for me, my thing that I
25:36
value is I'd love to have lots of options for clothes that cost
25:40
the same as someone else's 3 outfits.
25:42
And that's because that's just what I prefer.
25:45
Like it's just what I value. But again, I had an insecurity
25:48
around that and it wasn't until I stepped into it and I remember
25:52
now going to photo shoots, I said to anybody that I shoot
25:54
with, I was like, we do not put any of the models.
25:57
If we have models in our shoots or myself, we do not put any of
26:01
the models or me in anything other than clothing that a woman
26:05
who sees those those shoes or sees those pants or sees that
26:09
blazer, I want her to be able to message me and say, Kate, where
26:12
did she get that and be able to be like, Yep, here's the link
26:16
and she can go afford it. I am not sending her a $5000
26:19
link for a blazer. Not happening.
26:22
So it's not again to say that that's wrong.
26:25
It's to more be like, this is what I value and what I, I value
26:29
for me and for my brand and for me as an individual.
26:33
And I, so I, I really had these moments where I had to start
26:35
flexing that muscle. It was confronting because you
26:37
have again, what we are told is the right thing or what it we're
26:41
told is the thing you're supposed to go for versus what
26:44
you do. And I was so close.
26:46
I was close to buying the expensive clothes.
26:47
I was close to upgrading my car for no freaking reason.
26:51
I was close to these things. And I even truthfully felt
26:54
insecure for a very long time about renting because it wasn't
26:57
even about the fact that I couldn't buy a home.
27:01
It was about the fact that I wanted a specific house, which
27:04
I'll explain in a second. I wanted a specific house.
27:07
And I kind of was holding out for that.
27:09
I was kind of holding out that that was going to be the home
27:12
that I would have. And so, you know, that's really,
27:17
I would say the first big purchase outside of my business
27:22
that I've made. I've made insane amounts of
27:26
money and investments in my business, but I've never done
27:29
that in a personal way the same way.
27:31
So like, you know, I've dropped easy 6080 thousand dollar
27:35
$100,000 investments, but I haven't done that in my personal
27:40
life. And when it came to the house,
27:43
the reason I had not bought a home until seven years into my
27:46
business is because I had a certain home that I wanted.
27:48
And so recently one of the things that I value is family.
27:53
So my mom and my sister both work with me and one of the
27:59
things that was really important to me at the beginning of my
28:01
business was to help them to leave their 9:00 to 5:00 because
28:04
it was like something that, again, I really valued.
28:07
So I originally had helped my mom leave her 9:00 to 5:00.
28:10
And then after that, it was my sister.
28:12
And another big goal that I had shared since I was like 16 was
28:15
that I really wanted to buy the house that I grew up in.
28:19
And so for me, it was not always for sale.
28:22
So my mom lived in it. So because of that, she was
28:26
like, it's not for sale. I'm like, OK, so I waited.
28:29
And I had hoped that this was going to be like my home that I
28:33
would raise my family in. And so Fast forward seven years
28:37
after starting my business, this year was the first year that she
28:40
said, you know what? I think I'm at a place where,
28:42
you know, she is turning 70 this year and she's ready to
28:45
downsize. And she doesn't want to have
28:47
this four bedroom, you know, detached house anymore.
28:50
And so that became the moment where I was like, great.
28:53
Like, this is the moment. Like, this is the moment that
28:56
I'm going to buy it. And so it was like such a dream
28:59
for me to be able to like, to have the same stairs that I used
29:04
to run down when I was like, 6 or five and like, try to scurry
29:08
down to the Christmas tree to see what was underneath.
29:09
It is the same stairs that my kids will be on doing the same
29:13
thing. Like it's such a wholesome full
29:15
circle. Like it's the biggest
29:17
accomplishment that I could ever make in in what I value.
29:21
And even helping my mom and my sister leave their nine to five
29:23
is such a massive accomplishment for what I value.
29:26
Being able to take my mom to Paris because she was a single
29:30
mom of four kids is like everything that I would want to
29:33
do for her. And to be able to help her in
29:37
any capacity to do whatever she wants in her life is like my
29:40
ultimate dream. And so the thing that's
29:44
interesting with that though, is like, it's still not considered
29:47
in the scope of the Internet enough.
29:50
And I just realized I was like, I just don't want to play this
29:54
game anymore. Like I just don't like, I just
29:56
don't care. I don't care to play the game of
29:59
the labels. I don't care to play the game,
30:01
even if like, you know, the income thing like there was
30:03
always, and I started this years ago, but like there was always
30:07
this thing around you only hire the business coach who shares
30:09
their bank accounts. And like, it's always like, you
30:11
know, whoever has the most amount of screenshots basically
30:14
of their bank accounts or the business coach that you're going
30:16
to hire. And I just thought like, I don't
30:18
want to be that. Like I don't want to play this
30:21
stupid game. So years ago we stopped sharing
30:24
our own business income. Like it's just you cannot find
30:26
it anywhere. Obviously if someone's my
30:29
client, they're like, hey, and they asked me, I'm full open
30:31
book, but I'm not going to share that in marketing because I was
30:35
like, that's just, I don't want to play this game anymore of
30:38
like, you tell me what my value is.
30:41
And that's how it's felt is it's felt like not even just online,
30:45
but it feels like in general, we have such this like warped view
30:48
of what success is. You see the kids who are like
30:51
renting planes to take pictures as if they're in a private jet.
30:55
And meanwhile, like they're literally sitting on the tarmac
30:57
and they're not moving right? Like or like it's a stage thing
31:01
and it's not real. And I just, I see so much of
31:05
this pressure on, you know, myself as I was growing the
31:09
business and even on clients who will, you know, feel like
31:14
they're not enough for the income they're making.
31:16
They're not enough because they don't have the, the pristine
31:19
clean girl aesthetic kitchen or they feel like they're not
31:23
enough because their car is supposed to be more bougie
31:25
because they are at a certain level of business.
31:28
Meanwhile, they just don't care about that.
31:30
Like I, I feel like I would so deeply love to like just get
31:35
back to the 90s, back to like the moment where we could just
31:38
live and we didn't have this social media comparison because
31:42
that's really what it is. Social media has completely
31:45
skewed our belief and our understanding of success and
31:50
what that looks like. And so I started to think, OK,
31:53
well, like, what do I value? And I value family, my current
31:56
family. And what I hope to have is a
31:58
family one day. I value sentimental things like
32:01
I this ring that I'm wearing, which I know some people are
32:04
like, are you engaged? I'm like, no, what this ring is,
32:09
and this is again something that really like would be is more
32:12
sentimental to me than anything. This ring that I'm wearing on my
32:15
ring finger is actually something that my mom just got
32:18
me for my 33rd birthday. This stone is actually the stone
32:23
that my stepmom was wearing. It's her wedding stone that she
32:27
was wearing. She had a stroke and she passed
32:30
away very suddenly. So she went to the hospital with
32:32
a headache and basically within 24 hours was deemed basically
32:36
brain dead. And so I remember the nurse at
32:39
the hospital that day gave me her ring and said you hang on to
32:42
this. And so I obviously was in shock
32:45
that day, took the ring. And from then her finger was a
32:50
lot smaller than mine. So it never fit me for 10 years.
32:54
She passed away in 2014 and it never fit me for 10 years.
32:58
And on my 33rd birthday, my mom surprised me with getting it
33:02
resized so that it would fit me. And I cried because this ring
33:08
and the fact that it's from her and the fact that it's that my
33:13
mom took time and energy out to do that means more to me than
33:17
any bag you'd ever buy me. It just, it means something.
33:23
So for me, I just have these moments over and over where I'm
33:26
like, I just don't care. Like, I just don't care to play
33:29
this game anymore. And I will say it's so freeing.
33:33
It's so freeing when you just realize that like, you're good
33:36
in your bubble of success and that you don't need validation
33:42
from the Internet to deem you to be successful or to tell you
33:46
what it means when you're enough.
33:48
Because I was talking to a client the other day and she
33:51
said that she was struggling with the vision for her
33:53
business. Like I said, what's your vision?
33:55
And she said seven figures. And I was like, here we go.
33:57
Because every time I hear someone say 7 figures, I always
33:59
ask why? And she said, well, I don't
34:02
know, I really want to have like, you know, rental
34:04
properties, etcetera. And so I said, OK, great, I love
34:06
that. Like now we're getting
34:07
somewhere. This is really your vision when
34:08
you say rental properties. Like how much would you want to
34:10
have extra for your rental properties?
34:13
And so she started to unpack the numbers with me and we very
34:16
quickly realized she didn't need to have a 7 figure business for
34:19
the life that she wanted. She could have a $500,000 a year
34:22
business and be great in the life that she wanted.
34:26
And so This is why I really felt called to speak to this because
34:30
I think so many of us don't even realize we're living in someone
34:34
else's vision of success until we have this aha moment where we
34:36
go, whoa, like this is not me. And I had to wear a costume of
34:44
someone else's success for a very long time until I realized
34:47
that I really have a different definition, which is family.
34:50
It's sentimental things that are like this house, like this ring
34:53
that I'm wearing and it's experiences.
34:57
It's being able to go on trips with people and to be able to
35:01
take a week off or to be able to just give someone an experience
35:04
that they never thought they'd be able to have.
35:07
Or for me, like it's being able to go to dinners and not be as
35:11
stressed as I would have been years ago about how much is
35:14
that? Or like can I get this dish or
35:15
that dish is off the table because of how expensive it is.
35:18
Like that to me is real. For me, what I see to be I've,
35:22
I've achieved my level of success or, you know, for
35:27
example, I like, I'm the kind of person who, you know, those like
35:32
those they have here, it's called like Shoppers Drug Mart.
35:35
But I think in the States it's called like, well, anyway, what
35:39
your local drugstore is called, they have these like little
35:41
point systems and they have these little point cards that
35:44
you can use. So I'm like, I take those point
35:46
cards and I always stack up those points and I'll go like
35:48
use them to buy perfume and whatever.
35:50
Like I naturally am somebody who just, I would say, likes to live
35:55
a pretty simple life. And I think there's so much
35:59
shame around that until we figure out what that means for
36:02
us. And I think that this is an
36:03
invitation for you to say, if you weren't on social media, how
36:06
would you know you were successful?
36:10
The question I asked my clients last week, if you were not
36:14
consuming social media, how do you know that you were
36:19
successful? And what was interesting is I
36:21
had a client answer this. And then later in the
36:24
conversation, she said, you know, she was telling me, oh,
36:27
I'm just like loving life right now.
36:28
I have, we moved to a new property.
36:30
The kids are, you know, doing this.
36:31
I'm working less than I ever have.
36:32
I'm like, amazing, amazing, amazing.
36:34
And later on, I said, you know, if you couldn't be on social
36:36
media, how would you define success?
36:38
And she's like, I want to be home with my kids.
36:39
I would want to be this. I'd want to be that.
36:40
And I said, do you realize that you've achieved 9 out of the 10
36:43
things you deemed to be successful?
36:46
And there was just like the silence across the call.
36:50
And you could just see it land with her.
36:51
Like, she's already there. She's already there.
36:55
Everything she's ever wanted of her version of success, she's
36:58
already doing. And so everything after that is
37:02
just abundance. Everything after that was just
37:04
more, it was just, you know, ample opportunity for, for more
37:08
to happen, more money, more freedom, more flexibility.
37:12
And so I'm often asked, you know, when it comes to my
37:18
business and my success, why did it like take me so long?
37:23
And I think as I said, there was part of this, which is that I
37:27
didn't really know who I was. So I think because of that, I
37:30
was kind of trying on a bunch of different, I was taste testing a
37:33
lot of flavors before I realized it's ultimately just chocolate.
37:36
And so that's what I think was part of my process.
37:40
But I think the other thing was that I think I always knew
37:44
because obviously like I didn't, I had or could have bought a
37:46
home over the years, but I didn't.
37:49
I think it's because I always knew that that was just not what
37:51
I valued. So I think there was part of me
37:53
that was kind of hanging on for the larger vision of what I
37:56
wanted. And the other thing that I will
37:59
say has always been always, always, always been a huge,
38:03
huge, huge factor in my business is that I reinvest back into my
38:06
business aggressively, like aggressively.
38:10
Like we're not talking like I spend an extra 3000 on a coach.
38:14
Like I'm like website, do it like photo shoot, do it like
38:18
podcast set up here, do it like I don't spare expense on what I
38:25
feel will help us to grow the business.
38:27
And I have peers who are very quick to spend on their personal
38:32
life. They're very quick to upgrade
38:34
their car, they're very quick to upgrade their life.
38:36
But when it comes to investing in things in their business,
38:38
there's this like hesitancy. Mine's the opposite.
38:41
I will aggressively invest into my business.
38:44
And I think truthfully, it's part of why my business has been
38:47
able to grow the way that it has because my business and this is
38:50
person to person, but my business is not my personal bank
38:54
account. And that's because I recognize
38:58
that if I want something to grow, I have to put energy into
39:01
it. I have to put mental, I have to
39:03
put physical energy into it. I have to put financial energy
39:06
into it. Like it actually needs resources
39:08
to grow. So while, yeah, I could have
39:11
had, Oh my God, the, the things I could have bought over the
39:14
years, if I had not reinvested back into the business the way
39:18
that I, that I have or, you know, have done over the years,
39:21
I could have had a very different, I could have had a
39:23
Lamborghini, like I could have done those things.
39:26
But at the end of the day, number one, I don't value it and
39:29
#2 I wouldn't have the business I have today without it, without
39:32
all the things that I've invested into it.
39:34
So I think part of me also looks at asking ourselves the critical
39:39
question, which is, is your business truly a business or is
39:42
your business really just this, this kind of, you know, big bank
39:46
account that you like to leverage or this big bank
39:49
account that you love to have the ability to tap into?
39:51
And again, that's, there's nothing wrong with that.
39:53
We've talked in other episodes about, you know, the a business
39:56
for personal versus a business for growth.
39:58
And for me, my business is just not a personal business at this
40:02
current stage. And so I have a great life.
40:05
I have a very full life. I'm very comfortable.
40:08
I'm very free financially. Like there's no strain in my
40:12
current moment in my life, but I also don't need more.
40:17
Because if I had more, I wouldn't even know what to do
40:18
with it. If I'm going to be honest with
40:19
you, I wouldn't even know what to do with it because it's just
40:22
not something that at this moment I value.
40:24
And so I really want to invite you today to look back on what
40:34
were you taught to be success? What were the things that your
40:38
parents or your friends or your, you know, surrounding community
40:43
told you was success? What did other people tell you
40:45
was the quote UN quote right way?
40:47
And with that, what were maybe things that you tested?
40:51
What were things that you tried as your version of success?
40:54
Maybe it was school, maybe it's a certain purchase.
40:56
Maybe it was a certain thing that you went and did that you
40:58
thought would make you feel great, but it didn't.
41:01
And having an awareness of what those things are.
41:03
What are things that you thought would make you successful or
41:05
thought would make you feel like you've achieved, but you kind of
41:09
felt empty afterwards? And with that, if you could
41:13
define success for you, what is that based on nobody else's
41:17
metrics, based on nobody else's vision?
41:20
If you could define what success looks like for you and for your
41:23
life, what does that look like? Does it look like something
41:26
specific for you as a person, for your family?
41:29
Does it mean something specific for your health, for a give back
41:33
charity money? Like, what does it look like?
41:37
And I think it's important for us to constantly check in on
41:40
this because I think part of the reason I got lost along the way
41:42
is that I wasn't checking in on it.
41:43
I was just more, more, more, more.
41:46
And it was always this constant chase of of achievement without
41:49
ever asking if there was this race was even something I wanted
41:53
the trophy of. And so that invitation is
41:57
present for you. And I want to use this as an
41:59
opportunity to allow you to check in and say, do I feel like
42:02
maybe I'm building someone else's version of success?
42:05
And is there a permission slip you need to give to yourself?
42:07
Do you need to give yourself a permission slip of, you know, a
42:11
certain level of revenue that you want and that being OK, that
42:14
that's enough? Do you need to have a permission
42:18
slip that you know what, great. You don't have the crisp white
42:21
kitchen with the granite countertops.
42:22
Amazing. Perfect.
42:25
Like who cares? Like what's, what's the
42:27
permission slip of the thing that you kind of feel like in
42:30
your life or in your business that you feel insecure about or
42:35
you feel embarrassed about or you feel that you kind of don't
42:38
really want anyone to know about.
42:40
That's the thing that I would invite you to start having a
42:42
relationship with and start owning whatever it is.
42:46
And I, I say this as somebody who was that person who was the
42:49
person who didn't want anyone to know I had the ugly kitchen and
42:52
didn't want anybody to know that I have a same old, same old car,
42:55
right? I think once you own it, there's
42:58
just such, this deep sense of freedom.
43:01
And truthfully, this goes deeper because when you go into
43:03
business and you start marketing online, you start selling
43:06
online, you start to also just not care about all the noise.
43:11
You just start to not even care about what so and so's, you
43:14
know, bag, they got amazing. Bless your heart.
43:16
I don't care like, you know, like you start to see someone
43:19
else's purchase and you go, I'm so excited for her, but this is
43:22
not for me. You just start to become really
43:26
protected in your vision and protected in your piece of what
43:30
fulfills you. And so whatever that is, I want
43:34
to give you permission to invite that in and also start to make
43:38
more of a relationship with it and to to allow that to be your
43:41
home of success versus what other people tell you it should
43:44
be. And to also say, you know, what
43:47
are my core like values that I operate my life from?
43:51
And when was the last time that I checked in on how much those
43:55
are the center of what I'm trying to do, right?
43:58
Because if you have core values, those act as the bumper lanes to
44:03
keep you in line with the goals that you have and with what it
44:06
is that you're trying to achieve.
44:07
So if you are finding that you're kind of going forward,
44:11
achieving certain things or trying to go for certain metrics
44:14
and you're like, I just feel like I'm not as fulfilled.
44:17
There's a possibility that you've actually, you know, lost
44:21
your values and the core things that you believe in along the
44:23
way, which is why when you got there, you didn't feel the way
44:26
that you wanted. And so I hope today's episode
44:30
was helpful for you. I feel like this was a little
44:32
bit of a a scramble as it is when it's unfiltered, which is
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45 minutes of me with a microphone.
44:38
So you're either like this landed and I feel like I feel
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really seen today or you go, this was a scramble.
44:45
What did she say? So I love you either way.
44:47
And thank you for being here. Thank you for listening.
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I obviously would love love your feedback of you as well are
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really loving the unfiltered episodes.
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I know many of you have messaged me in the DMS and said hey, I
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listened to your 45 minute rant that was unfiltered and I loved
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it. So obviously if there's any
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feedback that you have any insights or even just something
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you want to share as a take away from today, my DMS are always
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open. I love to hear from you.
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So please let this be your invitation to reach out, even if
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it's not about anything in particular.
45:13
You just want to share something maybe from today's episode or
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even just about the show in general that's landing for you.
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I can't tell you how much that means to me and also to the
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incredible women behind the show that make this podcast happen.
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So with all that being said, thank you so, so much for
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listening today and I will see you on the next episode.
45:29
And, as always, stay ambitious.