Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #824 Cash for Comments

Transcript

#824 Cash for Comments · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: The importance of an explanation, whether it's choosing a movie
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: and understanding rocken Tomatoes or whether it's talking about the
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: needles sleep. The power of a clear rationale that kids
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: can get their head around when they're not too emotional,
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: can be profound.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show. My mum
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: and Dad.
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: Fridays are my favorites. On the Happy Families podcast, we
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  Speaker 2: talk about the things that are going well in our family,
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: and we get a bit introspective about things that maybe
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: aren't going so well. This is our chance to be
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  Speaker 2: intentional parents, reflect on the week that was, and try
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  Speaker 2: our hardest to be better tomorrow. It's called I'll do
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Better Tomorrow. I'm justin. I'm here with Kylie. We are
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: the parents of six kids, and I'm the founder of
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families dot Com. Dol Au Kylie, Today, I would
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  Speaker 2: love to hear what you've got to talk about.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: One of the things I absolutely loved about Parental Guidance,
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  Speaker 3: the TV show.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, the show that I'm the co host of and
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  Speaker 2: the parenting expert on. Thanks so much for mentioning it.
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  Speaker 2: It's available now on Channel nine's app nine Now.
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  Speaker 1: Was just the way.
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  Speaker 3: It the way to voked ideas and thoughts around the
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  Speaker 3: kinds of conversations I wanted to have with my kids.
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  Speaker 2: With our kids, they're ours, please, they are our children,
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  Speaker 2: all of them, all six and so.
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  Speaker 3: Over the last little while, when I have found myself
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  Speaker 3: in the privacy of the car with just one child,
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  Speaker 3: I've just started having little conversations with them, just tapping
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  Speaker 3: in and seeing where things are at. And the other
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  Speaker 3: day I was driving to Brisbane with one of the
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  Speaker 3: girls and I said, I've been having some thoughts around
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  Speaker 3: Internet safety and you know, the kinds of things that
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  Speaker 3: kids in general are being exposed to.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, can we play the bit from parental guidance? Go
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  Speaker 2: for it? She says, her name's Pepper.
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  Speaker 3: That's information she shouldn't be giving out.
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  Speaker 1: She's taught me something I've already ask if she knows
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  Speaker 1: the local shopping center. She says she does.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, keep building the relationship.
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  Speaker 3: See if she'd like to meet you at the shopping center.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my god, she said yes.
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  Speaker 2: Watching that really rattled me. Oh even hearing it now,
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  Speaker 2: it still does it to me. It's so powerful, And.
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  Speaker 3: There's a part of me that thinks that because of
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  Speaker 3: what you do for a job and the fact that
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  Speaker 3: we've had these conversations with our kids.
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  Speaker 2: Ongoing, that they're safe.
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  Speaker 3: But obviously, friendal guidance just highlighted you can have all
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  Speaker 3: the conversations you want and your children still find themselves
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  Speaker 3: in these really tricky situations. And so I just said,
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  Speaker 3: are you open to having a really open conversation about
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  Speaker 3: what's going on and what you've experienced, and she said, yeah, sure,
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  Speaker 3: I'll do about it tomorrow, might just before.
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  Speaker 2: Big years bigs. Are you insulting me?
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  Speaker 3: No, it's probably not for little children, not for little ears.
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  Speaker 2: Just big is what do I do if I'm thirty
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  Speaker 2: eight years old and I've just got really little ears?
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  Speaker 2: Can I still listen? It's okay, So what you're saying
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  Speaker 2: is we're about to discuss some themes that may not
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  Speaker 2: be for young children or for kids in general, teenagers
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  Speaker 2: and above. Yeah, okay, let's hear it.
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  Speaker 3: In spite of the fact that I know what needs
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  Speaker 3: to be said, I'm still sitting there feeling a little
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  Speaker 3: bit uncomfortable about asking the questions I'm about to ask her.
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  Speaker 2: You kind of get tongue tied even if you've planned
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  Speaker 2: it out in your head, don't you.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. I actually was sitting there for about two or
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  Speaker 3: three minutes, kind of mulling over these questions that kept
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  Speaker 3: popping up in my head, but was too scared to
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  Speaker 3: ask them right until finally I just what am I
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  Speaker 3: scared of?
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  Speaker 2: You know what you're scared of? You're scared of actually
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  Speaker 2: finding out the answer and discovering an answer that you
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  Speaker 2: don't want to hear.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe, maybe, anyway.
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  Speaker 2: That's what I'd be afraid of.
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  Speaker 3: Anyway, I just decided to ask, So I asked her
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  Speaker 3: if she'd ever been exposed to pornography. She acknowledged that
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  Speaker 3: one day she was scrolling and a couple of actors
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  Speaker 3: that she really liked had been kind of it sounds
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  Speaker 3: like artificially kind of simulated into a very passionate scene, so.
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  Speaker 2: She didn't believe it was.
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  Speaker 3: Originally she thought it was like a promotion for a
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  Speaker 3: movie or something, but realized quickly that it wasn't, and
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  Speaker 3: so she just scrolled past it. But outside of that,
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  Speaker 3: her friends haven't shown her anything particularly explicit. She's acknowledged
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  Speaker 3: that when her friends and her get together. They're not
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  Speaker 3: actually on their phones, they're having conversations.
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  Speaker 2: What you're saying is fairly consistent with what we think research, well,
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  Speaker 2: research is telling us, and we hope that it's indicative
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  Speaker 2: of what's happening in the real world, and that is
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  Speaker 2: that we're talking about teenage girls here much less likely
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  Speaker 2: to be exposed to and actively investigating explicit content.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I kind of As I was sitting there, I
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  Speaker 3: was like, this is exactly what I think how I
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  Speaker 3: thought the conversation would go.
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  Speaker 2: If it was a teenage boy, it would be a
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  Speaker 2: totally different conversation.
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  Speaker 3: But the one that actually got me a little bit
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  Speaker 3: nervous was she acknowledged that she had had a couple
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  Speaker 3: of unsolicited friend requests on Instagram.
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  Speaker 2: Where.
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  Speaker 3: Mature males had contacted her and said that they were
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  Speaker 3: really lonely and were looking for someone to talk to,
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  Speaker 3: would pay one thousand dollars if she would meet up
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  Speaker 3: with them, and promised that it wouldn't go any further.
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  Speaker 2: See I hear that, and I just I feel so
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  Speaker 2: many things. I feel so many things, and the first
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  Speaker 2: thing I feel is we need to double check those
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  Speaker 2: settings again. But even with great setting, stuff gets through.
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  Speaker 3: So I asked what she did when she got those messages,
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  Speaker 3: and she said that there were quite a few reels
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  Speaker 3: at the time because this actually happened during COVID. I
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  Speaker 3: really just found finding out about this. Now, this happened
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  Speaker 3: during COVID, And she said as she was scrolling, there
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  Speaker 3: were lots of reels by different people saying if you
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  Speaker 3: get a message like this, whatever you do, don't respond,
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  Speaker 3: block them, get rid of them. And so that's exactly
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  Speaker 3: what she did, and she didn't. I asked her why
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  Speaker 3: she didn't talk to me about it, and she said, well,
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  Speaker 3: I didn't feel like I needed to because there was
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  Speaker 3: got under control. Yeah, I dealt with it. Something happened,
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  Speaker 3: And I asked if there'd been anymore recently, and she
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  Speaker 3: said no, it seemed to be a very concentrated period.
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  Speaker 3: But I was really grateful for a couple of things.
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  Speaker 3: I wish she had have come and talked to us
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  Speaker 3: when it happened, but I was so grateful that she
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  Speaker 3: was confident in her own ability to recognize and know that, no,
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  Speaker 3: this isn't something I want to engage in.
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  Speaker 2: Delete, block, get rid of.
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  Speaker 3: And I was also grateful that the things that I
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  Speaker 3: felt we were doing to protect our kids were actually working.
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  Speaker 3: So my whole do better tomorrow is no matter how
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  Speaker 3: many times you've had the conversation, have it again. I
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  Speaker 3: think it's just so important for us us to be
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  Speaker 3: in constantly having those kinds of conversations with our kids
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  Speaker 3: and knowing you know, she was just so good about it.
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  Speaker 3: She didn't feel interrogated, she didn't feel like I was
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  Speaker 3: angry at her. Even when I found out, I said, what,
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  Speaker 3: you know, what made you not want to tell me?
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  Speaker 3: She said. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell.
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  Speaker 3: You said, I just didn't think there was anything.
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  Speaker 2: To tell me. I can't believe that the kids would
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  Speaker 2: be like, oh, this doesn't need to go to my parents.
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  Speaker 3: Wow, So what about you? What's your role do about
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  Speaker 3: it tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: I'm just reeling from this conversation. It emphasizes so much
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  Speaker 2: how important it is that we as parents are bold
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  Speaker 2: enough and encouraging enough and soft enough to have these conversations.
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  Speaker 2: That's that's what I'm really reilling from. So what I
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  Speaker 2: am going to talk about is two things. A very
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  Speaker 2: quick anecdote and then a story that I think a
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  Speaker 2: lot of parents are going to say, oh, got to
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  Speaker 2: try that. I don't know if it's going to work
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  Speaker 2: for everyone, but it's worth a shot. The anecdote first
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: sitting down to watch a movie with Emily the other day,
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  Speaker 2: nine years old, the TV suggests why don't you watch
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  Speaker 2: Inside Out, the Disney Pixar movie. I'm like, oh, Emily,
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  Speaker 2: this is brilliant. Let's watch. Let's watch inside Out. It's
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  Speaker 2: gonna be great. She says, no, I don't want to
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  Speaker 2: watch it. I'm like, why are you so rigid? Why
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  Speaker 2: are you so close mind? Why won't you watch this movie?
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  Speaker 2: I didn't get that excited about it, but that's what
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  Speaker 2: I was thinking in my head. I said, what do
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  Speaker 2: you mean you don't want to watch it? How come?
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  Speaker 2: And she said, because it's got ninety six Rotten Tomatoes.
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  Speaker 2: So you know, when the recommendation comes up on the screen,
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  Speaker 2: it often brings in the Rotten Tomatoes or the IMDb score.
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  Speaker 2: And she saw ninety six Rotten Tomatoes and thought it
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  Speaker 2: must be really bad.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I agree, I would think that too.
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  Speaker 2: I explained to her how Rotten Tomatoes works the website,
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  Speaker 2: and she got pretty excited about it. And she's changed
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  Speaker 2: to mind. She's okay. With watching movies with lots of
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  Speaker 2: rotten tomatoes. Now, I just thought that was fun and funny,
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: and it highlights how we need to explain things to
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  Speaker 2: our kids, which said ways beautifully into what I do
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  Speaker 2: want to share today, and that is the same child.
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  Speaker 2: We've made no secret of the fact that we have
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  Speaker 2: some additional needs that we lenge by with this little
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  Speaker 2: angel who we just adore. One of the challenges that
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  Speaker 2: we often experience is related to her eating behavior. She
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  Speaker 2: just doesn't eat, She forgets to eat, she gets cranky
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  Speaker 2: about having to eat, she wants to do other.
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  Speaker 3: Things, having to make decisions around eating.
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  Speaker 2: That's right, Yeah, the decision fatigue really hits her, and
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  Speaker 2: there are so many other things that she wants to
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  Speaker 2: do instead of eat. But while things aren't dangerous or
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  Speaker 2: medically unsafe at the moment, it's been something that I've
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  Speaker 2: just known we need to address in a way that
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  Speaker 2: doesn't create confrontation and defensiveness, because every time we try
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  Speaker 2: to do it, it creates confrontation and defensiveness. So the
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  Speaker 2: other day I sat down with all the kids, not
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  Speaker 2: just her, and said, I wanted to ask you a question.
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  Speaker 2: What is a calorie? And one of the kids brilliantly said,
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  Speaker 2: it's how much energy food gives us. I thought, my goodness,
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  Speaker 2: this kid is not even a dietitian, but that's a
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  Speaker 2: great answer. A calorie is literally the measure of the
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  Speaker 2: energy and food. And so we talked a bit about
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  Speaker 2: calories and then said how many calories do we each
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  Speaker 2: need to be eating a day so that we can
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  Speaker 2: be healthy and sustain life. And we talked about the
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  Speaker 2: difference between good calories and bad calories, or calories that
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  Speaker 2: support us and energize us and calories that actually deplete us.
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  Speaker 2: And at the end of that conversation, the kids knew
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  Speaker 2: that they needed somewhere between eighteen hundred and twenty two
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  Speaker 2: calories a day, depending on their age. They also understood
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  Speaker 2: about how many calories were in an egg or a carrot,
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  Speaker 2: or a number of other food items that we just
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  Speaker 2: had to look up because they became completely absorbed in
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  Speaker 2: the idea of calories. Then I made a very clear
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  Speaker 2: statement that we were not going to start counting calories.
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  Speaker 2: That's not going to be a healthy way to move forward.
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  Speaker 2: But we just need to make sure that we're getting
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  Speaker 2: enough calories. We've gone from this kid having essentially zero
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  Speaker 2: to one hundred calories throughout most of the day and
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  Speaker 2: then just eating whatever we can get into her at nighttime.
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  Speaker 2: The conversation has completely shifted her mindset. She knows her
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  Speaker 2: body needs energy that it consumes calories. She keeps saying, Dad,
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  Speaker 2: right now I'm just chewing Am I using calories? Now
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  Speaker 2: I'm just sitting on the couch. Am I using calories? Dad?
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: I'm running in the backyard with you? Is this using calories?
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  Speaker 2: And I'm like, even when you're not doing anything, even
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: when you're asleep, using calories, your brain's using calories. Your
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: body's using calories. And my concern is that she's going
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  Speaker 2: to become hyper focused on calories. Now we've had the discussion,
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  Speaker 2: and so I'm working really hard to downplay a number
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  Speaker 2: of elements here, But the overall message, the overall I'll
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  Speaker 2: do better tomorrow is in the book that I wrote,
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: The Parenting Revolution, which is just so helpful parents. One
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: of the things that I emphasize is that children need
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: to have a rationale for any behavioral requests. That is
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: why am I asking you to do the thing that
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: I'm asking you to do? And for a long time
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: now when it comes to food. We've been saying to Emily,
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  Speaker 2: you need to eat it because it's good for you.
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  Speaker 2: You need to eat it because your body needs energy
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  Speaker 2: you need and she keeps on saying, no, I don't
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  Speaker 2: need it. But as we've dived a little deeper into
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  Speaker 2: that rational as we've actually stepped through what a calorie is,
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: it's the energy that's in the food so that your
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  Speaker 2: body has energy. There's just something gentle about that additional
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: information that tweak in providing that rationale, And all of
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  Speaker 2: a sudden it's made a difference. Have you noticed it?
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  Speaker 3: Well, obviously we were only a few days in at
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  Speaker 3: the moment, but we've had some really big successes. And
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  Speaker 3: what I loved was the first night when we gave
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  Speaker 3: it a go, Emily came and jumped into bed when
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  Speaker 3: it was time for prayer, and you just looked at
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  Speaker 3: her and you said, hey, kidd, you've had some food.
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  Speaker 3: How do you feel now?
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  Speaker 2: Because before actually had food, I asked the question differently.
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  Speaker 2: I said, you seem to be a little bit different
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  Speaker 2: Emily now to who you were an hour ago.
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  Speaker 3: So we had some massive emotion, big.
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  Speaker 2: Meltdowns, and I just said to her, what do you
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: think is different about now compared to an hour ago,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: because it's bedtime. Now, you're supposed to be tired and
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: not doing great, and you actually seem like you're really happy.
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  Speaker 3: And she said, I feel really good. She felt calm,
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  Speaker 3: she felt peaceful. Yeah, regulated, and she acknowledged that she
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  Speaker 3: had a full time.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: Amazing. So the importance of an explanation, whether it's choosing
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: a movie and understanding rotten Tomatoes, or whether it's talking
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: about the need for sleep, or the need for food
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: and sustenance and energy, or the need for some time
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: away from screens. The power of a clear rationale with
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: some good, simple statements that are evidence based that kids
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: can get their head around when they're not too emotional,
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: can be profound. It can be so powerful. We really
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  Speaker 2: hope that you've enjoyed our conversation today. I'll do better tomorrow.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: We'll be back again next week. The Happy Family's podcast
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: is our executive producer. If you want to make your
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: family happier, We've got so many resources and so many
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: wonderful ways that you can do it. Please visit us
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: at Happy Families dot com, dot au,