Latest / insyed; cozy psychology / conditions, not character — what my calendar taught me about quitting on myself

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conditions, not character — what my calendar taught me about quitting on myself · insyed; cozy psychology

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  Welcome back to INSyed, the show where every
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  week I tell a short story that brings real psychology
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  research closer to the life you're actually living.
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  Like a diary that did its homework. Let's take
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  a peek INSyed. This is the third time that I'm
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  writing in my daily notepad. Looking at it, I
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  crossed out a lot of things I needed to do that
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  day. Not because I finished them, but because
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  I didn't have the will to do so. My calendar's
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  current time indicator, that thin red line, sliced
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  across the color -coded time slots labeled dissertation
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  focus and job search, reminding me of how much
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  time I thought I wasted while I sat there, doing
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  nothing. I got angry with myself. Clenching my
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  jaw, I began criticizing my inaction as if I've
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  done something even worse. Why couldn't I do
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  what I set out to do? I'm responsible, capable,
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  competent. But in the moment, seeing those unchecked
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  to -do list boxes made me feel otherwise. And
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  out of frustration, I deleted everything on my
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  schedule that day, destroying the connection
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  I made between myself and my actions. Everything
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  I did today, gone in seconds. At least, that's
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  what I thought. There, I stared at the screen,
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  watching that thin line move through a day that
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  looked as if it stretched forever. It started
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  filling up with something different. Things I
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  didn't expect. I started to see not of what I
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  was supposed to do, but what I had already done.
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  They weren't there on screen, but my mind started
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  reminding me of all the things I did. They painted
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  my calendar with more color than ever. I didn't
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  apply to any jobs, but I took the first step
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  and made job alerts. And although I didn't exercise
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  like how I wished, I had a healthy breakfast,
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  I listened to music to cheer myself up, and despite
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  the 7 -hour time difference, I even spent time
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  to wish my dad a happy Father's Day. None of
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  this was on my calendar, but they still became
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  part of my day, and that in my pursuit of choosing
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  quality over quantity, I had accidentally misplaced
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  the existence of all the little things which
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  give today its quality. What I had done was tie
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  my identity to my actions while ignoring the
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  rest. And psychologists understand this as conditional
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  or contingent self -worth. The way of thinking
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  that says that I'm only a good person if I can
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  do the things I list down, if I fulfill certain
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  conditions. And what psychologists have learned
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  is that unsurprisingly, failing felt worse than
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  succeeding. But it's what they found next that
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  really matters. Putting these conditions upon
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  ourselves not only made losing hurt more, Putting
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  these conditions upon ourselves not only made
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  losing hurt more, but it made winning feel better
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  too, an amplification of both outcomes. And because
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  I unknowingly chose those conditions over myself,
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  not only did I feel the highest of highs, but
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  the lowest of lows. If you don't stay mindful,
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  it becomes human nature to fall into creating
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  these conditions, those that decide we are what
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  we do, both good and bad. We've come to accept
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  this as a people. You are what you eat, and if
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  you don't always run, you'll never be a runner.
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  But what saved me and what I missed entirely
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  was the things that were never on my list. Listening
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  to music, getting up out of the comfort of my
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  own bed, turning a page of a book that I'm reading,
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  washing my cup of coffee. They were all still
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  a part of my day. Whether I noticed them or not,
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  some days you can cross everything off here to
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  do this. Some days you can't cross anything at
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  all. Either way, that same red line that started
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  at the top of your calendar will still reach
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  the bottom, eventful or not. And that brings
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  us to the end of this week's INSyed. Thank you
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  for spending your time here, and I hope you learned
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  something helpful today. And if you did, the
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  best way you can support is to tell a friend
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  about this show. You can also subscribe to this
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  show wherever you listen. And if you have the
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  time, Leaving a review or sending a message genuinely
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  keeps me going. I read and enjoy every message
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  I get. Until then, remember that there's always
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  more INSyed.