Latest / The imuRgency Room / Gen Z Not Wanting Kids Is NOT Selfish...

Transcript

Gen Z Not Wanting Kids Is NOT Selfish... · The imuRgency Room

0:00
The God is the planted white roses when I specifically asked
0:03
for red you. Couldn't always paint the roses
0:05
red. What an odd thing to say, I'm
0:08
child free and the freedom it gives me not only in my finances
0:11
but my entire life is something I wouldn't trade for the world
0:14
I. Have an incredible nephew.
0:16
I mentor younger women. I have a big loving family and a
0:19
fulfilled life. My words in this world is more
0:22
than just anyone. Title and yours is too.
0:25
Young people seemingly aren't wanting to have kids or are
0:28
aspiring to be parents anymore and the reasons why may shock
0:31
you or not. Hey guys, up to emergency and
0:35
welcome, welcome back to my channel today.
0:36
We're here talking about Gen. Z and millennials this time.
0:39
Hey guys, what's up? And specifically about the
0:41
conversation that's been going on online about the concept of
0:44
not wanting kids or pushing back having kids until later in life.
0:49
And this isn't just something that's going on with the people
0:50
that are actually giving birth to the children, but more
0:53
widespread sentiment around the entire generation.
0:55
With the stats showing that around one in three Gen.
0:57
Z Ers and millennials not having or wanting children and the
1:01
gradually declining birth rate in the US and also with other
1:04
countries in the world. It really has made people not of
1:07
this generation start to wonder why this is and what the general
1:10
sentiment around young people is around starting a family or not.
1:14
And in the studio going to talk about just that because I think
1:16
this is a very interesting conversation and is one that I
1:19
feel like we all kind of have with our friends or to
1:21
ourselves, then I think will be good to have in a more general
1:23
sense. We're digging into the history
1:25
of the American family culture, talking about the real reasons
1:27
why young people are kind of averse to starting a family in
1:30
the current day as well as getting into the conversation or
1:32
whether it is selfish or selfless to choose to be a
1:35
parent in modern day, among many other topics.
1:38
We really are going to yap for this video.
1:39
So if you are new around here and you have not seen my face
1:41
before. Hello, my name is Ruby.
1:43
Nice to meet you. Consider subscribing because we
1:45
talk about all things to do as Gen.
1:46
Z culture, both real and pop and also why I don't forget to leave
1:50
a black on this video because it helps out a ton with YouTube
1:52
algorithm as well as following me on my social site emergency
1:54
on Instagram, TikTok and Twitter.
1:56
You can also be sure to catch these videos over on Spotify on
1:59
my Spotify show, also called emergency.
2:01
So the link for that will be in the subscription below as well.
2:03
But from on one side, I think in order to start the conversation
2:05
around why Gen. Z or like why young people are
2:09
choosing to delay starting a family or just choosing not to
2:12
as a whole, we need to understand the historical
2:14
culture around families in the Western world.
2:16
And I think the hallmark of the classic American family starts
2:20
with the concept of the nuclear family.
2:22
The nuclear family is a term used to describe a family unit
2:25
that consists of two parents and their children, usually on
2:27
average also around 2, living in one house together.
2:30
The framework of the nuclear family was said to have gained
2:32
in popularity in the US during the post War 2 era.
2:35
Soldiers returned back home and to society wanting to move
2:38
towards a more stable lifestyle economically, socially and
2:42
emotionally after experiencing the devastating traumas that did
2:45
occur during World War 2. You'd see a lot of imagery
2:48
romanticizing the idea of the working husband, the stay at
2:51
home mom and typically 21 boy one girl kids with their white
2:54
picket fence that became the symbol of the American family,
2:57
the good old fashioned American dream.
3:00
And you'd see this all the time in popular media back then and
3:02
also in more recent times. This representation thus put an
3:05
explicit emphasis of the values of marriage in the family unit
3:08
in this country. This is where you'd see the rise
3:10
of sentiments, at least in the West, of like family being the
3:12
most important and all be all and not really needing or
3:15
seeking support in an emotional or physical sense outside of
3:17
your family until of course, your kids were of age to then
3:20
start their own families. This really started this sense
3:22
of self-sufficiency within the nuclear family.
3:25
But you know, of course it is unhealthy and unrealistic to
3:29
expect all of the needs of your life to be satisfied or there's
3:32
responsibility of satisfying or catering to those needs be
3:36
wrapped up mainly in only three people in your life and
3:39
realistically in a full capacity only with one person, that being
3:41
your spouse. So all the idea in mind was that
3:44
the nuclear family would provide that financial and emotional
3:46
stability would be having the ideal like 2 loving parents of
3:49
it all. That wasn't always necessarily
3:51
the case, as many of us know from either personal experience
3:54
or through representations of families and media.
3:56
And it goes without saying that relying only on your partner and
3:58
solely prioritizing your home and your family can be very
4:01
isolating. And it's deeply trenched in our
4:03
culture. We live in a very isolated
4:04
society. We think about that usually in
4:06
the sense of like the loneliness epidemic that we were all going
4:08
through. But that also can be argued to
4:10
be the case of the traditional family unit.
4:12
It was intended to be isolatory, you solely and primarily
4:15
focusing on you and yours before engaging with the world or
4:18
engaging with other people in your community, Making the act
4:20
of forming community more inconvenient and more of a chore
4:23
because it's not something that was inherently incentivized to
4:25
do. Doesn't say that Americans by
4:27
and large just don't have community because that's not
4:29
true. But I feel like people that have
4:31
that strong sense of community, especially nowadays, are more so
4:34
the exceptions than the rule. It's why we see so many people
4:36
not know their neighbors or why when you do try and reach out to
4:39
a neighbor, it feels very uncomfortable because both
4:41
parties are not necessarily used to that.
4:43
And of course, that aspect varies depending on where you
4:45
are in the country and what your community necessarily looks
4:48
like. But the traditional nuclear
4:49
family structure really does the whole of putting your partner on
4:52
a pedestal and inherently devalues the importance of
4:54
having or building community. Because when you think about it,
4:56
your family unit is your community.
4:58
It's the only community that really matters.
5:00
And within that there can be the sense of hierarchy, that being
5:02
the breadwinner, the caretaker, and then the children.
5:05
And in this traditional nuclear family setup, I think it's
5:07
important to acknowledge the inherent patriarchy that exists
5:09
in those traditional family structures, giving the
5:12
traditional breadwinner father and caretaker wife dynamic when
5:15
it comes to things like decision making and power in the
5:17
relationship. Because we live in a consumerist
5:19
society where the dollar and the dollar amount that you have and
5:23
own affords you power and influence.
5:25
The breadwater in the household is usually seen as the head or
5:28
the lead of the household being the one to make the majority of
5:31
the decisions because it's their money being used to finance and
5:35
support the entire family. And the peak popularity of the
5:37
nuclear family came at a time where a woman's role was defined
5:40
by her husband, often times leading her in sole care of the
5:43
kids. And a quote from the bell hooks
5:44
book. Feminism is for everybody,
5:46
passionate politics and a culture which holds the two
5:48
parent patriarchal family in a higher esteem than any other
5:51
arrangement. All children must feel
5:53
emotionally insecure when their family does not measure up to
5:55
the standard. Utopian vision of the
5:57
patriarchal family remains intact despite all evidence
6:00
which proves that the well-being of children is no more secure in
6:03
the dysfunctional male headed household than any dysfunctional
6:05
female headed household. And now to bring it to more
6:07
modern times, what does the family structure that Gen.
6:09
Z grew up with look like? Well, according to the Pew
6:11
Research Center, in 1970, sixty 7% of Americans aged 25 to 49
6:16
were living with their spouse and one or more children younger
6:19
than 18. So basically the white big
6:21
defense nuclear family of it all.
6:23
But that number has dropped significantly over the past five
6:24
decades, now landing on a middling 37% in 2021, which is a
6:29
big 30% drop. And as the data suggests, the
6:32
nuclear family is not necessarily the norm or the
6:34
majority anymore of families, especially considering that the
6:37
American family unit has diversified over the years,
6:39
specifically in relation to the family living arrangements.
6:42
Gen. Z is by and large grown up with
6:44
a more diverse range of family structures and family units,
6:47
giving us a wider range of what a home looks like.
6:50
Categories with this in the Pew Research article include
6:52
families that are married with kids, cohabiting with kids,
6:55
unpartnered with kids, married with no kids, cohabiting with no
6:58
kids, and other family members. And this is especially
7:01
interesting because the categories with no kids and
7:03
categories with other family members has been increasing more
7:06
so now than ever before. Historically, the pipeline of
7:08
getting married and automatically having kids has
7:11
been slowing down, and that in part is due to the normalization
7:14
and the visibility of other routes of life.
7:16
Getting married and having kids is no longer seen as the main
7:19
way to show your responsibility as an adult, and I personally
7:22
think that that's a good step forward for us.
7:24
So what shifted? Why aren't we wanting to be
7:26
parents? Well, as of 2024, the US birth
7:29
rate drops 3%, reaching a historic low according to the
7:32
CDC, with the birth rates continuing to decline for women
7:35
aged 20 to 39, that being millennials and Gen.
7:39
Z. And I'm sure if you are Gen.
7:41
Z or a young millennial, you already know some of these
7:43
reasons that are contributing to this drop, but let's take a look
7:45
anyway. One of the major factors that's
7:47
contributing to this is the general delay in life stages and
7:50
in love for a generation. Like we've gone deep into these
7:52
topics over delayed life stages and not finding love until later
7:56
in previous videos. So definitely go check those out
7:58
if you haven't already. But we just generally are taking
8:00
a longer time to find a partner and especially one that we like
8:02
enough to consider actually having children with them.
8:05
And I know that it may seem through celebrities and other
8:07
people that you see online that people are just popping out kids
8:09
left and right. But truly for the majority of
8:10
people and to struggle enough finding someone that you could
8:12
to tolerate, let alone have a baby by.
8:15
But these delays in life stages like dating, like marriage, like
8:18
having kids are truly due to intertwined factors such as the
8:21
economy, the job market, the housing market, and the modern
8:24
dating sphere. With all these things empowering
8:26
and almost incentivizing people to remain child free in their
8:29
adulthood and to prioritize other life choices.
8:31
Also, as an aside, showing how politics affect the social and
8:34
straight couples, one of the reasons why people may not be as
8:36
quick to marry is because people have more rights now,
8:39
thankfully. I mean like not all the way and
8:41
especially maybe not now, but like definitely more than like
8:44
the 1940s for now. For example, back in the day,
8:46
women couldn't get credit, which meant that they couldn't own
8:48
their own houses or properties without the cosine of a man,
8:51
which is actually insane until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act
8:54
of 1974, which is a lot more recent than you all give credit
8:57
for. Like for a lot of us, our
8:58
parents were alive during that time.
8:59
And of course, this was one of many barriers that oppressed
9:01
people's have faced and continue to face on a day-to-day basis.
9:04
But having more of these freedoms has opened up so many
9:06
different opportunities for different lives you could lead.
9:09
Now you can live a life that doesn't depend on you having a
9:11
family or having kids that gives you some semblance of rights or
9:14
liberties. But moving on, let's talk about
9:15
more reasons as to why we aren't having kids or why more young
9:19
people are choosing not to. And I have to point this thing
9:22
because I asked you all for your thoughts on a poll in my
9:24
community tab section. Definitely be sure to vote in
9:26
those when I do post them so you can be included in videos like
9:29
this. But your answers are truly
9:30
enlightening. I asked the question, would you
9:32
bring kids into the world right now?
9:34
And out of a response pool of around 86163% of you said that
9:38
you would not and do not want to bring kids into the world right
9:41
now. With the second most popular
9:42
response also being no, you wouldn't bring kids in the
9:45
world, but you still kind of want to.
9:47
And I think that that's so interesting because I can't say
9:49
that a sample of 8600 people accounts for the millions of
9:51
people that are in Gen. Z.
9:53
And especially some of the comments that are left under
9:54
that poll as well are very telling with one user saying
9:56
that I'm a 25 year old woman still living at home with my
9:59
parents. Even if I wanted kids, how could
10:01
I support them when I can't even afford to support myself?
10:03
And another saying that the world, or at least the US,
10:06
doesn't support us having children at all.
10:07
We don't have the opportunity to get jobs that could have us
10:10
making enough money to afford taking care of a family.
10:12
And these are both very real responses and kind of lead me
10:15
into my next point around why we're not wanting to have
10:17
children. And that's because of the
10:18
general economic pressures and the lack of feasibility of
10:21
having and kids right now. Times are hard.
10:23
My last video talked extensively about how times are very hard
10:26
and just generally everyone right now, like times are a lot
10:30
harder than they have been. And two, yellow sentiment.
10:32
It's very hard to think about sustaining another life and
10:34
committing yourself to taking care of and supporting
10:36
financially, emotionally, physically, whatever another
10:38
person when you are struggling to make ends meet for yourself.
10:41
And the data is supporting this. More millennials and Gen.
10:43
Z are moving back with their parents than ever, with roughly
10:46
one in three adults aged 18 to 34 in the US living with at
10:49
least one of their parents. While looking at Gen.
10:50
Z more specifically, specifically, a little over 50%
10:52
of Gen. Z says they don't make enough
10:54
money to live the way that they want.
10:56
And the high cost of living is the main financial struggle.
10:59
So like I said, seeing that this generation of young adults is
11:01
struggling to put food on the table, is struggling and having
11:03
a hard time affording a life of their own, children might not
11:06
necessarily be on the table right now.
11:08
And when you are struggling like this, it's hard to think about
11:10
wanting to have kids. It's hard to think about that
11:11
even being a possibility until your situation is a little bit
11:14
better. So I'd argue that while there is
11:16
still a large population of people that like just never want
11:19
to have kids, and that's very real, it also it is true, there
11:22
also is a population of people that do want to have kids, but
11:25
there's nothing really there to support that decision like
11:27
whether it be socially, politically or economically.
11:30
And let's dig into that really quick because I don't think we
11:31
talk enough about the cost of being a parent.
11:34
And specifically for women, the cost of giving birth like that
11:36
is insanely high because maternity costs can be so
11:39
unpredictable for much. Your insurance can and will
11:41
cover to the different types of individualized care that you
11:44
need as a patient. And you never know what you're
11:46
going to need until you're actually in the situation.
11:48
Like some people think that they're going to have a natural
11:49
birth and they need to have AC section.
11:50
Some people, people don't think that they're going to want or
11:52
need an epidural. But then the time comes and the
11:54
pain comes and you're like, Oh yeah, girl, give me the
11:55
epidural. And that all varies the cost.
11:58
And because of the American healthcare system, none of that
12:00
is cheap at all. For AC section birth, the
12:02
national median cost is $37,653.69 out of network.
12:08
In network, though, it's just a cute little $16,943.79, you
12:15
know, just pocket change. And for a Poom poom delivery, I
12:18
can't say the actual word for monetization reasons, but for
12:21
the poom poom delivery out of network is around $28,000 and in
12:25
network is around 13,000. So again, nothing cheap here.
12:28
And the price tag for having kids doesn't just stop at having
12:30
birth. I think that's actually where it
12:32
starts because you think about things like childcare, housing,
12:34
suitable transportation, clothing, food, and those are
12:36
just like the immediate things. And all of that really adds up.
12:39
And especially for new parents. This is all compounded by the
12:42
fact that a, as we mentioned in the past video, you see how
12:44
everything is connected. Like if you tap into the
12:46
emergency cinematic universe, you really get a dab of all
12:49
things going on in culture right now, period did.
12:52
But as we talked about previously, like the mass
12:53
layoffs that are going on right now, the subpar working
12:55
conditions for those that still do have jobs, in addition to the
12:58
rising gig economy for young adults means that many people
13:01
don't have reliable insurance. And too many people don't have
13:03
reliable work life balance or a substantial amount of parental
13:06
time off for both parents. Which means that if you are
13:09
going to be working, you kind of do have to have some form of
13:12
childcare. A woman in my town's Facebook
13:14
group shared these daycare rates today and she said how do you
13:17
afford kids here? Because nobody knows how anybody
13:20
is paying for this. For an infant for five days a
13:23
week with 10 hours of care, it is $664 a week.
13:27
That is just shy of $35,000 a year for one child.
13:30
And the price does not drop that much when they hit pre-K here,
13:33
it's $521.00 a week, which is about like $28,000 a year.
13:37
OK, these are incredibly high rates for daycare.
13:40
And of course you could drop down to 9 hours a day or
13:43
whatever it might be. But here's the thing.
13:44
When you go to daycare, typically you're going to take
13:47
the most hours because you have to commute to work.
13:50
You have to commute back from work and you have to work 8
13:52
hours a day. And unfortunately, when you miss
13:54
pickup by one minute, they start charging you like $2.00 a
13:58
minute. So usually it's more cost
14:00
effective just to pay the higher rate for the 10 hours than to
14:03
pay for the 9 hours, which is like crazy because it's one hour
14:06
difference. This is not just a parent
14:08
problem, right? But like, people constantly are
14:10
looking at adults who are married or, you know, birthing
14:13
years and say, why aren't you having kids?
14:15
And we're looking around saying how could we possibly have kids
14:18
when we can't even afford to buy a house?
14:20
We're going to start off with daycare.
14:21
This daycare is incredibly expensive and so we were paying
14:24
about $3000 a month in January of last year.
14:27
That is for two kids in full time daycare.
14:29
There was a toddler and a preschooler and that was $3080 a
14:32
month. It did increase significantly in
14:35
August when they had their annual rate increase, so you'll
14:38
notice a significant jump there. The total was $38,525.
14:44
Last year we had an after school nanny for our two older kids who
14:46
are in first grade and kindergarten because their
14:47
school gets out at 3:00 and we don't stop working at 3:00 and
14:50
so we needed some help in the afternoons.
14:52
It was about $2000 a month coming out to $14,000 for the
14:55
year. She did end in July because we
14:57
no longer have an after school nanny.
14:58
We now do after school care. And so they don't charge you
15:01
monthly, they charge you for like a six week session.
15:04
And so these are the payments I've made so far.
15:06
We've spent about $6000 this year and this smaller number
15:10
here is just for half days we had to pay for.
15:12
And the last thing is summer camp.
15:13
We spent over $8000 for summer camp for our two older kids
15:16
because in the summer they don't have school and we were still
15:18
working full time. And mind you, this is not a
15:20
sleepaway camp or anything like that.
15:21
This is a day camp. It's usually from 9:00 AM to
15:23
3:00 PM and some of them have extended day programs.
15:26
And so it all just depends. But yes, $8000 for camp.
15:30
All combined, it is a whopping total of $66,866 for childcare.
15:35
And as a generation, if you are who's going to have kids and
15:37
aren't living with your parents, you then have to fight with the
15:39
reality that like as Gen. Z and as millennials, we don't
15:42
really have a community like that to help you take care of
15:44
the kids. So it's more of a struggle to
15:46
figure out how is that going to work if you can't afford
15:48
childcare. Because again, if you're a young
15:50
person, your friends are likely also struggling too.
15:52
And I'm sure that someone will probably be done to help you,
15:53
but like, it's likely not going to be enough time to truly care
15:56
for your kid around clock and all.
15:58
That's not considering the fact that like things like climate
16:00
change and the political state of the world right now can and
16:03
is a big deterrent for people entertaining the idea of
16:06
starting a family. You often hear the discourse
16:07
over people feeling like it's selfish to bring a kid in the
16:10
world right now given the economic state, climate change
16:12
being a real thing that would likely impact the early years of
16:16
our kids lives and the political and educational practicality of
16:20
the world right now. Like, we all know the political
16:22
state of the world right now, or at least the political state of
16:24
the US right now. And teachers have been sounding
16:26
alarm bells for years talking about how the education system
16:29
is failing so many kids. And one of the answers to that
16:32
problem from the government was to get rid of the Department of
16:35
Education. So even educating kids right now
16:37
is very rough, pushing more responsibility on the parent to
16:40
either home school or figure it out through like a charter
16:42
school or a private school. Funny, but these are all real
16:45
things that young people are considering as they're growing
16:47
up and thinking like, do I want to have kids in this world right
16:50
now? I've been seeing a lot of takes
16:52
lately that are like this is the worst time in history to have
16:54
kids. If you have kids right now
16:55
you're selfish. The world is ending.
16:57
And initially I disagreed but then I thought about it and
17:00
Loki, y'all are right this is the worst time to have children.
17:03
But it's not because the world is in such significant state of
17:05
disrepair. It's because y'all hate
17:07
children. There is no village, there's no
17:10
community, there's no additional support or extra care.
17:13
If there are resources available which are fewer and fewer by the
17:16
day, you are picked on and looked down upon for taking
17:18
advantage of those resources. I mean y'all do not like
17:21
children. I mean there was once a whole
17:23
children should be seen and not heard era and that was pretty
17:25
bad. But y'all have taken that into
17:27
children should neither be seen nor heard.
17:29
We don't want to deal with them until they're like fully
17:32
functioning adults in society. That won't get on my personal
17:34
nerve. Like yes the world is bleak.
17:35
Yes the world is dark. Unfortunately, it always has
17:37
been. But the biggest kids specific
17:39
difference that makes raising children right now uniquely
17:41
difficult is that y'all do not like kids.
17:43
You don't want to be a part of anybody's village or community
17:46
and no matter how y'all try to disguise that as caring for
17:49
children, children are the ones who pay the price of that.
17:52
The general lack of support of current parents right now, both
17:54
socially and politically are unprecedented, which again
17:57
another deterrent. Like I said, childcare is
17:59
difficult to afford and to sustain.
18:01
The amount of space is not just for babies and young children,
18:03
but also like preteens and teens to exist and publicly are
18:06
dwindling down more than ever with the death spaces like
18:09
malls, arcades, or other third places that kids would typically
18:12
hang around. Like while there have been very
18:14
well documented worst times to have children, it still doesn't
18:17
invalidate the fact that times right now still are bad.
18:20
And the lack of resources right now for people that do choose to
18:22
have kids are a little concerning.
18:24
Now that we talk about some of the reasons why people haven't
18:26
had kids, let's talk about some of the pushback to that.
18:28
Like there really is a societal pressure to have kids because
18:31
that has been the norm for so many years.
18:34
And we've seen now, especially very publicly, people come out
18:36
against their sort of rebellion against the clear family
18:39
structure. Like, for example, there are
18:40
groups of people that inherently think that those that don't want
18:42
to have families or those that don't want to have kids are bad
18:45
people and not wanting to have kids is a bad thing.
18:48
People that are family traditionalists, like the
18:50
current vice president, for example.
18:51
Yeah. Very common stereotypes in the
18:53
zeitgeist characterizing women who don't have kids as crazy cat
18:55
ladies or lonely or jaded or basically anything else negative
18:58
under the sun. Implying that a woman can't be
19:00
fulfilled in life if she does not serve the purpose of
19:02
producing children or being a wife.
19:04
Which is especially ridiculous when you realize that the
19:06
stereotype for men who don't have kids or some kind of guy
19:09
that just can't commit or be like tied down.
19:11
Like the sentiment is very different.
19:12
Like y'all really just hate women.
19:14
And through a lot of comments from our leadership, like for
19:16
example the vice president asking questions like how does
19:19
it make any sense that we've turned our country over to
19:21
people that don't really have a stake in it.
19:22
Referring to Kamala Harris and AOC both not having children.
19:26
Again, implying that being an individual for one is not enough
19:29
and two, if you are not serving the purpose of having children,
19:32
you're not worthy of having an opinion.
19:33
And thankfully, this is more of a fringe extreme point of view,
19:37
but there are also more subtle ways that even in our culture we
19:39
reward people for being married and having kids.
19:41
Like just think of the number of celebrations we have for it.
19:43
You have things like baby showers, gender reveal parties,
19:45
engagement parties, weddings, anniversaries, and so on.
19:48
And this is not to say that we should party less or that these
19:52
things aren't valuable and should be things to celebrate
19:54
because they are great achievements.
19:56
But it can be something that we can look at and wonder, why
19:58
don't we celebrate other parts of our lives like things like
20:00
friendship, career, or life goals as much or to the same
20:03
degree as we do these other things.
20:04
And that inherently is because societally we don't see them as
20:07
the same caliber or level of importance.
20:08
As getting married or having kids, like it's really the
20:11
societal default to have kids and get married.
20:13
And women disproportionately get questioned all the time or like
20:15
why they are choosing not to have kids as opposed to people
20:19
asking like, oh, why do you want to have kids?
20:20
You know? And I think that's very telling.
20:22
Having kids has always been seen as the next step after marriage
20:25
or just generally the next step of adulthood.
20:27
But I think that people have been publicly challenging that
20:29
over the past several years. And a quote from licensed
20:32
psychologist doctor Linda Baggett, who was also the owner
20:35
of well women psychology. She states that I think that
20:38
current generations are feeling more empowered to be open about
20:40
and act on this preference, whereas in past generations,
20:43
people may have been more likely to have children anyway due to
20:46
societal expectations, economic labor factors and religious
20:50
beliefs. And I think that that's very
20:51
real. Like a lot of these factors and
20:53
pressures are still definitely there, as we've talked about
20:54
previously in this video. But by and large, I do think
20:57
that there is a more widespread push to normalize and make it
21:00
not a crime to not want or to not have kids, both as a woman
21:05
and as a man. Because while the majority of
21:07
backlash when it things like this does happen to be pit on
21:10
women due to the way that society loves to scrutinize and
21:14
shame women, men also do receive some pushback for just being too
21:17
old without kids. Like I said, there is that
21:19
bachelor stereotype, but a lot of times, especially in families
21:22
and communities where it's more so normalized for a man to find
21:25
a wife or to find a partner and to settle down.
21:27
The childless by choice movement has been picking up steam from
21:30
across social platforms with many people, mostly women,
21:33
speaking out about their intentional and conscious choice
21:35
to not have kids. And these generally range from
21:37
people that have always known that they don't want to have
21:39
kids to ones that have realized that an older age that their
21:42
want or need that their desire to become a mother just came
21:45
from socialization at a very young age.
21:47
And this is where we can really give a shout out and highlight
21:49
the child free content creators because some of them get the
21:52
nastiest, most misogynistic comments and engagement for
21:55
simply just not wanting kids, Which again, is a personal
21:58
choice. And not to bash anyone that does
21:59
choose to have kids, but it is important to show that that is
22:02
an option to choose to not have kids and to be perfectly fine
22:04
and to demonstrate that having kids isn't necessarily the next
22:07
step that everyone needs to take.
22:09
At the same time, we're on the same timeline because at least
22:11
on social media, it's been portrayed that way for years.
22:14
Like, think to the countless family channels that exploit
22:16
their children for views. It really just shows how
22:18
important it is to show these different paths of life because
22:21
motherhood is something that's so ingrained in our culture,
22:24
especially in young girls and young women growing up.
22:26
We're like motherhood is seen as the default, which it isn't
22:28
inherently, and that's OK. Or as long as I've known, I
22:30
thought I wanted to have kids. Now that I'm at that age where I
22:33
have to decide whether or not I want to freeze my eggs, I've
22:35
actually started to think that I perhaps don't want to have.
22:38
Back in the day when I saw a baby, I was the first person to
22:41
volunteer to hold that baby. I just saw a newborn baby
22:44
yesterday and a bunch of toddlers and it was the first
22:46
time where I didn't have the urge to want to hold the baby.
22:49
The sight of the screaming kids really started to repulse me.
22:53
Every time I get done with work, the thought of having to come
22:55
home to a child, I'm like, thank goodness I don't have one
22:58
because if I did, I think I would be over the edge.
23:01
I truly value my freedom and the thought that I have to give it
23:04
up to take care of a child. Like I just don't want to do
23:08
that. If I were to have kids, the only
23:10
way I would have it is if I had help, like if I had a nanny, if
23:13
I had a cleaner. Because I don't know if I want
23:16
to sacrifice my hobbies for a kid.
23:18
And for those who are going to come at me being like, oh like
23:20
who's going to take care of you when you're old?
23:22
That's selfish. Other thing that I am afraid of
23:24
as well is that when you get older, your friendships do
23:27
change, especially with life changes that I've noticed
23:30
already. Like with my friends who have
23:31
kids, everyone just talks about mom things and I don't really
23:35
have anything to add know that if I choose not to have a kid,
23:38
I'm probably going to be isolated away from those groups
23:41
of people and I'm going to have to find new friends who are
23:44
child free as well. In a study done by the Peer
23:46
Research Center that studied a group of 50 plus year olds that
23:49
didn't have kids and those younger than 50 who were sure
23:52
that they weren't going to have kids.
23:53
They found that the majorities in both groups say that not
23:55
having kids has made it easier for them to afford the things
23:58
they want, the time for hobbies and interests, and to save for
24:01
the future. And the younger group, about 6
24:02
and 10, also say that not having kids made it easier for them to
24:05
be successful in their job or career and to have an active,
24:08
which goes to show that people who don't have kids can and do
24:12
have fulfilled lives later in life, despite what stereotypes
24:15
and societal pressures may suggest.
24:17
And this point transitions us to the whole debate over is it
24:20
selfish or selfless to want to have kids or not.
24:24
And I think this is such a nuanced conversation and such an
24:26
interesting conversation because it really does depend on who you
24:28
ask and what you mean by selfish and selfless.
24:31
Because there's this notion online and you'll see a lot of
24:34
videos online of people saying like, oh, I'm not ready to stop
24:36
being selfish for myself. And living for myself, implying
24:39
that like when you have kids, you kind of have to give up that
24:42
selfish side of yourself, which in large part is true.
24:45
Like the hesitation to have kids and to push that later in life
24:48
is not always just because you don't want to have kids, but it
24:51
sometimes can be because you are kind of afraid of parenthood and
24:54
are not necessarily 100% ready to dedicate yourself 100% to
24:58
another human being for the rest of your life.
25:00
And that's valid. And honestly, I think that this
25:01
is something that people should consider a lot more before they
25:03
choose to have kids. Like again, I know this whole
25:06
video has so far focused on like the not wanting I have kids
25:09
aspect of it. I don't want to make it seem
25:10
like I'm trying to say that you shouldn't.
25:12
I think like you should have agency and the option to do
25:15
whatever you want to do, whether it be have a kid or not.
25:18
But I do want to talk about and dissentifies a lot of the
25:20
stigmas that come with having kids as well as like not in the
25:23
younger generation that I really do think that it should be more
25:26
of an intentional choice specifically around the
25:28
conversation of having kids. Because I think a lot of times,
25:31
and this might be a hot take, a lot of times the topic of like
25:34
having kids of your own is spoken about very similarly to
25:37
how someone would talk about getting a new car or a house or
25:40
planning a wedding or any other type of like luxury material
25:44
milestone. Like a lot of times people talk
25:46
about, oh, I want my kids around this time.
25:47
I want them to be like this. I'm just really excited to
25:50
create a family that's going to be exactly like this, this and
25:52
this. And I really want to make sure
25:53
that I'm creating a family that's going to be there to take
25:55
care of me when I'm older. Like I think sometimes the way
25:57
that we talk about having kids makes it seem very similar to
25:59
one of those things that you like wait a long time for and
26:02
one of those things that's just like planned on happening.
26:04
Any kind of sensationalized and almost itemize the whole process
26:07
of being a parent without really outwardly confronting the fact
26:10
that like it isn't just like a cute, quirky little thing that
26:12
you do with. You're bringing an entire new
26:14
human being into the world that you then have to take care of
26:17
shape and mold for the rest of your life.
26:19
And whether you like it or not, there are real sacrifices that
26:22
come with that. And one of those sacrifices, at
26:23
least in the immediate short term while you're adjusting to
26:25
everything, is sacrificing your quality of life.
26:28
Being a parent is one of the hardest things that you can do.
26:30
Some say it's the most rewarding thing that you can do, but in my
26:33
opinion, it should also be one of the most intentional things
26:36
that you do. And that's not to say that you
26:38
need to intend having a child all the time, like whether or
26:41
not you intended to have the child once a child is there,
26:43
believe that you need to be very intentional with how you raise
26:46
the child and how you are there for your child because that is
26:48
an entire human being. And knowing how so many of us
26:51
come out after having less than stellar family upbringings, it's
26:54
a very valid fear and concern for a lot of us young people to
26:57
not want to put ourselves and our potential children in the
27:00
position to go through the similar things.
27:02
And also valid on the potential parent to like not want to give
27:04
up that side of their life, yet like to want to wait or just to
27:07
not do it at all. Because it's truly one of those
27:09
things that change your life for the rest of your life because
27:11
you're never going to get your life truly back in the same way
27:14
that it was prior to having children.
27:16
And that can be for better or for worse.
27:17
But that is a change that you have to be ready for.
27:19
And the people call the aversion to wanting that as like being
27:22
selfish or like still wanting that time to be selfish or
27:25
really focus on yourself before you become selfless as a parent
27:28
and give yourself to another human being for the rest of your
27:30
life. But honestly, I would argue and
27:33
again, another hot take that oftentimes pushing for a child
27:35
when you know that you cannot provide for that child or be
27:38
there for that child, whether that be financially, emotionally
27:40
or physically, can be truly considered the selfish option.
27:44
Like wanting a kid for any other reason then creating and
27:47
nurturing another life is inherently selfish because
27:49
you're bringing another person on this world to experience all
27:52
that this world has to offer, all the great.
27:53
But if you're not really in a position to really care for your
27:56
child, and again, this does not just mean financially, but
27:58
you're doing it to like either salvage a relationship or prove
28:01
to yourself or others that you can be a good parent.
28:03
And that is an inherently selfish reason.
28:05
Again, not saying that it is also inherently bad to be
28:09
selfish, but that is something that you kind of got to own
28:11
because we've seen way too often so many kids be brought into the
28:14
world and then having parents that do nothing to support or
28:16
really love them after they're here.
28:18
Essentially bringing another person in the world to endure a
28:20
level of trauma and or suffering that they just did not ask for.
28:24
And of course, many of us are already victims of our own
28:26
circumstances. And a lot of societal factors do
28:28
play into why parents aren't able to show up in a way that
28:31
they maybe want to in certain situations because again,
28:34
everything's connected. But like the point kind of still
28:36
stands. And also another thing when it
28:38
comes to parenthood, I think one thing that this whole debate
28:40
does not usually address is like adoption.
28:43
Like adoption is so a thing. You don't need to always have
28:46
your own kids. Like I know the whole debate
28:47
about having kids doesn't necessarily matter with like
28:51
whose kids they are. It's the old fact of like
28:52
raising somebody else. But I think that adoption kids
28:55
and foster kids are oftentimes sort of left out of the
28:57
conversation when it comes to wanting childcare or wanting to
29:00
care for a child or raising a kid yourself.
29:02
Because there are a plethora of people that are already in this
29:05
world and already have to deal with the things in the world
29:07
that are looking for and would love to have a family to love
29:11
and support them. Now, I know that this has been a
29:13
long video, so we will end with this final point.
29:16
And this is more of a fun sort of chit chatty sort of point.
29:19
And honestly, something that's more relatable to both sides,
29:21
like people that have kids and those that don't.
29:24
And that is the drastic difference in lifestyles between
29:26
those who have kids and those who do not.
29:29
Like we need to talk about this difference in lifestyles because
29:31
it is very apparent because the experience is just so vastly
29:34
different. And this isn't to say that
29:36
couples can never have single friends or vice versa, or like
29:38
young people who have kids can't be friends with people who
29:40
don't. That's not the point.
29:42
I am saying that there is a common disparity in just general
29:45
life experience and priority in people's lives that cause a lot
29:48
of friction in these sort of friendships and relationships
29:50
because it's something that's so different and so novel and hard
29:53
to balance at times because oftentimes you just don't get
29:55
it. Like having a family can change
29:57
your life so drastically. Like we see it even like when
29:59
people get like partners, like when people get a boyfriend or a
30:01
girlfriend or a husband or a wife, most people tend to see
30:04
their single friends the less and less and prioritize their
30:06
partner more and more. Again, not single, this is a
30:08
good thing at all, but that's just what tends to happen again
30:12
with the family unit of it all. Like for a more extreme example,
30:14
like think you're a working parent now who gets two weeks
30:17
off per year. So with those two weeks you
30:19
choose to go on a family vacation as opposed to a trip
30:22
with your friend group. You see your friends just less
30:25
and less. You get invited to your friends
30:27
birthdays at the club, but your kids have to go to bed by 8 and
30:30
you have work in the morning. You can't get a sitter so again
30:32
you choose not to show up. Like, of course, these are all
30:34
like smaller choices in people's lives, but like, the small
30:37
things add up. These are all choices that have
30:40
an impact and on your friendships and in your
30:42
community. Like showing up for people is
30:43
important. And it just so happens to be the
30:45
case that when you have kids and when you have a family, there
30:48
are slight shifts as to where you tend to invest your time.
30:50
It goes back to the whole quote of like everyone wants a village
30:52
but no one wants to be a villager.
30:54
I saw this on Instagram and I said no one is like saying the
30:57
thing out loud. And then I got so many DMS of
31:00
people being like, you're not saying the thing either.
31:02
This is a really difficult conversation because there are a
31:04
lot of hurt feelings on both sides, right?
31:06
This person when you're single and childless versus a parent,
31:09
right? Or like a new parent, we're
31:10
talking about parents of newborns.
31:11
There is a really big schism in like your lives.
31:14
You are no longer the person that you were before you had
31:16
kids. Your life is completely
31:18
different. And the way that this country is
31:19
set up, mothers especially have like no support.
31:23
This is just me speaking in generalities.
31:24
I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing.
31:26
I'm just saying that This is why there's so much resentment
31:29
between the two groups. Right on Sobstack, I published
31:32
the sociology of begging someone to marry you.
31:34
And there I talked about the American obsession with the
31:36
nuclear family where a link to this article from 2020 where the
31:39
nuclear family was a mistake. And in it David Brooks says that
31:41
a lot of the reason that we see so many people begging for
31:44
community, why so many people are so lonely is because for the
31:47
last 70 years in this country, we've sort of platformed the
31:50
nuclear family as the ideal, right?
31:52
And it's like, I come from a culture where you live in multi
31:54
generational households, you live near your family, you have
31:56
your uncles, your aunts, your cousins, you have like a whole
31:58
large support system so people don't feel us alone.
32:01
In America, it's very different, right?
32:03
You live in your little house, you spend all of your time with
32:05
your partner. Your partner has to be your best
32:07
friend. Couples self isolate, parents
32:09
self isolate. And then the resentment builds
32:11
because they're like, why isn't anyone showing up for us?
32:14
And I don't think there's the same level of reflection because
32:16
again, I'm seeing a lot of these posts, I'm speaking to a lot of
32:19
people both in real life and on podcasts who are saying, you
32:23
didn't come to my wedding, you didn't come to my Bachelorette,
32:25
You didn't do any of the stuff that I did for you because you
32:27
had kids first. And like, now you're saying,
32:29
where's my village? Where's my community?
32:31
Where are my people? Where are your people?
32:33
I fully understand why this separation happens.
32:36
But like, there needs to be some awakening.
32:38
There needs to be some truth because a lot of people don't
32:41
want to acknowledge the way that they, like, cut people out of
32:44
their lives as they move into new stages of their lives.
32:46
And like, everyone is happy for you.
32:48
Everyone is happy that you got married.
32:49
Everyone is happy that you had a baby.
32:50
But like, you need to acknowledge that sometimes
32:53
friendships end, and that's no one's fault.
32:54
I know that Tinks talks about this a lot.
32:56
But I do think people in this situation need to look back and
32:58
take inventory of places where they might have dropped people
33:02
because they were moving into new stages of their lives and,
33:05
like, want to spend all of their time with their partners and
33:07
their babies and, like, don't have time for this person
33:10
anymore. I really like this TikTok and I
33:12
really love the TikTok or like shout out to tell the bees.
33:14
But this creator makes great points that like having a baby
33:16
can be a very isolating experience for both parties.
33:18
Like having a baby could be isolating for the mother because
33:20
your friends, as much as they will try, they just don't get
33:23
it. And as the friends with no kids,
33:24
it can be pretty isolating because you're never going to be
33:26
chosen first. Like your friends baby will
33:28
always come first in their life and then their partner will
33:31
always come second in their life because those are the closer
33:34
ties. So it's hard as the person who
33:36
grew up and was with that friend since before all of that, having
33:39
to take more of a backseat or at least having to reinvent your
33:42
friendship, which can be very hard, daunting and isolating.
33:45
And of course, when it comes to things like true community and
33:48
and true friendship like that, like there will always be like
33:50
as the parent with a child, there will always be those
33:52
friends, friends that will come together and like help you take
33:55
care of your kid. But that's not the case for
33:56
everyone. Like the highlight complaints
33:58
from both sides, those that are child free and single tend to
34:01
complain that like the extra workloads tend to pull on them
34:04
with no extra compensation when a Co worker goes on maternity or
34:07
paternity leave as opposed to companies temporarily hiring
34:10
someone else. But like that is more of a
34:12
company thing than anything else.
34:13
Or people who have kids or a family being more dismissive of
34:16
the single friends needs and wants because they are
34:19
preoccupied with everything else that's going on in their life.
34:21
Along with things like not only wanting to be contacted when
34:24
you're friends with kids, want a free sitter when there wasn't
34:26
any effort to maintain the friendship otherwise.
34:28
As well as the judgement and questioning from friends as to
34:32
when you plan to have kids as well.
34:35
So somebody with kids. I think from my perspective, the
34:37
reason why sometimes parents can get annoyed and frustrated with
34:41
people who don't have kids is that it's not just that they
34:45
don't want kids, but they openly insinuate that you are miserable
34:51
and hate your life because you have kids.
34:54
Like I personally could not give less of a about what anybody
34:59
does with their lives, whether people choose to have kids or
35:01
not. In fact, most of my friends
35:04
don't have kids and I don't care at all.
35:07
However, a lot of my friends have no problem with just like
35:11
openly talking me and the fact that I have kids right to my
35:16
face. I think it's the unapologetic
35:18
attitude that it would be so terrible to have kids and that
35:20
you must be miserable because you have kids.
35:23
That is the main issue that parents have with talking and
35:26
interacting with childless people.
35:28
Like, it's very insulting for somebody to just to your face
35:32
insinuate that your life must suck and that you're a miserable
35:35
person. And I don't think they even
35:37
realize what they're doing because like I said, some of my
35:39
best friends in the world will just casually say this stuff to
35:42
me. I don't think that even crosses
35:43
their mind that this would be hurtful to say to somebody.
35:46
It's just such an invalidation to such a large part of your
35:49
life and literal human beings that are a part of your family
35:53
that you love. Are there weirdos that have kids
35:56
that go around insinuating that childless people are miserable?
35:59
Absolutely. Are there weirdos with kids that
36:02
go around acting like if you don't have kids your life isn't
36:05
fulfilled? Absolutely.
36:07
I totally see that. And that absolutely happens.
36:10
But I'm not one of those people and yet I constantly experience
36:14
this. So in summary, I guess
36:15
ultimately I don't feel like it's very in good faith to just
36:18
say that people, parents are triggered by people that don't
36:22
have kids because they don't have kids.
36:24
I think it's more that a lot of them are very invalidating to
36:28
people with kids and just insinuate that they're
36:31
miserable, sad people, which is super insulting.
36:35
And of course there are complaints on the other side as
36:37
well. I make this seem like it's A1
36:38
pronged approach. There are also complaints from
36:40
the married people with kids side saying things like single
36:43
friends aren't as accommodating for their lifestyle, things they
36:47
have going on. As well as people just like
36:49
blatantly and very weirdly asserting how much they hate
36:52
kids and hate people who have kids or openly insinuating that
36:56
like you hate your life because you have kids.
36:58
Like honestly, to round this out, it just seems like people
37:01
don't like being judged for their choices, especially their
37:04
life choices, because these life choices are personal.
37:08
And it really wouldn't hurt for either side to be more
37:10
intentional with what you say or do.
37:12
All in all, the decision to have kids does put a different
37:14
priority in people's lives, but it's important to extend both
37:17
yourself grace and your friends some grace as people choose to
37:21
have different lifestyles and having a different lifestyle
37:23
from you, it just means that you have to extend a little bit more
37:25
empathy to understand where people are going through, where
37:28
people are coming from. And all of this is to say that
37:30
the American family dynamic is dressed basically changing and
37:33
is very different than it has been in past times.
37:36
People are rightfully worried about who they would be as
37:38
parents, as well as being more mindful about what is going on
37:41
in the world and how those real life things would impact the
37:44
development and the growth and the life of their children.
37:47
So yeah, I think that it's completely valid that Gen.
37:49
Z or young millennials or whoever are choosing to not want
37:52
to have kids or waiting to have kids and not to be a both sides
37:55
aspect. And it's also very valid to
37:57
understand why people would still choose to have kids
37:59
despite it all because at the end of the day, children are
38:01
seen as a light of hope and having that is also very
38:04
important. But yeah, that's going to be it
38:06
for this video. Y'all.
38:07
This video was very long. I hope you enjoyed it.
38:09
Let me know all of your thoughts down in the comments section
38:11
below. I'd love to hear from you.
38:12
Do you plan on having kids? Slash, do you have kids?
38:15
Be sure to let me know why or why not.
38:17
Again, if you're new to the channel, then definitely
38:18
subscribe, leave a like on this video and follow me on my
38:20
socials on Instagram, TikTok and Twitter.
38:22
But other than that, y'all, thank you so much for watching
38:24
again. I have an emergency and I will
38:25
see you in the next video please.